


The Light in the Dark

by PhanNotebook



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternative Timeline, Angst, Anxiety, Bullying, Comfort, Coming Out, Emotional Abuse, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, High School AU, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Strangers to Friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-21 02:10:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 197,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11347707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhanNotebook/pseuds/PhanNotebook
Summary: Dan is a 16 year old who is bullied at school. The only bright spot in his life is being able to go home and watch videos by someone called AmazingPhil. However when a bully overhears a conversation, a bully assumes Phil is Dan’s boyfriend, and decides to make Dan’s life hell because of it. Dan tweets Phil about it, and gets a surprising reply.





	1. Chapter 1

Dan’s least favourite sound was the sound of his alarm beeping. The sound itself wasn’t that bad, however it signaled the beginning of another awful day at school. Another day of coming up with excuses as to why he didn’t do his homework. Another day of dodging insults and punches from bullies. Another day of longingly counting down the seconds until he could return home. These days the only reason he opened his eyes in the morning was to see whether a certain YouTuber had posted or tweeted anything new. 

Dan opened up YouTube and felt a smile form when he saw his subscriptions box: his favourite youtuber had uploaded a new video. Dan clicked on the video instantly and was greeted by Phil’s familiar grin.

“Hey!” Phil waved to the camera.

“Hey Phil,” Dan muttered, waving back even though he knew Phil couldn’t see him. Phil launched into various anecdotes from his week. Dan laughed at Phil’s funny stories and mannerisms, and found himself hating the world a little bit less. The video ended but Dan just hit the replay button, not wanting Phil to disappear. Dan could listen to Phil talk for hours, even if he was only saying things Dan had heard a thousand times before. Phil had this incredible personality and Dan found himself just wanting to stare at Phil for hours. Phil had such beautiful eyes, this adorable smile and stunning cheekbones. His black hair always looked so cool (Dan had tried to style his in the same way but it didn’t seem to have have the same effect) and his t-shirts always complimented his looks. His videos were so creative and well put together. His username was incredibly accurate: Phil truly was amazing.

After re-watching Phil’s new video five times, Dan glanced at the clock and realised school was starting in ten minutes.

“Oh crap,” Dan said throwing his bed sheets off. It normally took him half an hour to get ready and get to school, so Dan was definitely going to be late. He rushed to get changed, and left the house in a hurry. Dan didn’t actually care about missing out on class time, he just dreaded having to walk into class late and have everyone stare at him while the teacher asked why he was late. Dan hoped he could make it before everyone else sat down. 

However, upon arriving to school the corridors were empty, meaning class had already started. Dan sighed, knowing what was coming, as he entered his Literature classroom. 

“Mr. Howell,” Dan’s literature teacher said loudly. As expected, everyone looked up from their books, and Dan wished he could turn invisible. 

“Why are you late, Mr Howell?” the teacher asked, eyebrows raised. 

“Uh,” Dan stammered, feeling his shoulders tense up. 

“Coz he’s a gaylord,” Ryan shouted. Ryan was the school’s biggest bully, who took great pride in attempting to insult or humiliate Dan whenever he had the chance. Dan had become very used to it, although that didn't make the knots in his stomach go away every time it happened. 

“I just overslept,” Dan said, unable to think of a proper excuse. 

“Take your seat, I’ll give you a detention slip later,” the teacher said, returning to the whiteboard. Dan slammed his books down on the desk, he hated school and all it’s ridiculous policies. 

“Why were you actually late?” his friend Tony muttered as Dan slid into the seat next to him.

“Uh,” Dan whispered. “I was watching something…”

“Was it Amazing Phil?” Tony asked, and Dan felt heat flood his cheeks.

“Of course you were,” Tony sighed, annoyance evident in his voice. Dan wished he hadn’t told his friends about Phil, however his younger self had made his obsession pretty obvious. When Dan had started watching Phil a couple years earlier, Dan couldn’t refrain himself from talking about Phil constantly. He was always talking about Phil’s new videos, or quoting something that Phil had tweeted. However, Dan quickly realised that his friends didn’t share his enthusiasm, or understand what YouTube was in the slightest, so Dan learned to stop mentioning Phil. However, from time to time his friends would catch him trying to check Phil’s twitter feed on the library computers or call him out on a ‘friend’ he was talking about. To be fair the ‘friend’ was always Phil, but Dan could never understand why it annoyed them so much. They all had things they were obsessed with too, why did it matter if he liked watching Phil?

Class ended (with Dan no more knowledgeable than when it started) and Dan went up to the front to collect his detention slip.

“Set an alarm next time,” his teacher said, passing him the piece of paper. Dan nodded, and stuffed it in his pocket, leaving the classroom.

He entered the school corridor to find that his friend Tony had been cornered by school bully Ryan. Tony had a knack for getting himself and his friends in difficult situations, but Dan couldn’t have expected what was about to happen. 

“So, I hear you were late because of a certain boy named Phil,” Ryan yelled across the corridor, and Dan felt like everything in the room had frozen. Dan felt his heart clench in his chest at the mention of Phil. How could Ryan know about Phil? Dan looked at Tony in despair. He knew Tony didn’t approve of Dan watching Phil, but what the hell did he tell Ryan for!

“Who’s Phil, your boyfriend?” Ryan sniggered, and a round of laughter followed. Dan felt the heat rush to his face, and became intensely aware of the 20 boys in the corridor watching the scene.

“No,” Dan stammered, which only bought more laughter, “he’s not!” 

“Oh I get it,” one of Ryan’s friends interjected, “did you fall for a straight boy, Howell?” 

The laughter grew louder and Dan wished he could just melt into the floor or that the universe would cease to exist all together.

“Wow! Bet he was creeped out by a gaylord like you,” Ryan snickered, throwing his head back in laughter. Dan’s heart was racing, his stomach began cramping up and Dan had to resist the urge to throw up. Why did this have to happen? Why him? The onlookers kept jeering, trading insults Dan couldn’t even keep track of. There was clearly no way Dan could talk his way out of the situation, so instead he kept his eyes down and walked through the crowd, hoping no one would grab him or punch him along the way.

“Yeah, Howell, walk away like the loser you are,” Ryan guffawed, as Dan turned the corner and entered his next class. 

Dan arrived at his next class early, so kept his eyes glued to the floor as everyone walked in. Dan knew they had all probably just witnessed what happened, and hoped they didn’t continue in here. After a couple minutes, Tony sat down beside him, and Dan couldn’t hold his anger any longer.

“Why the fuck did you tell Ryan about Phil?” Dan whispered angrily. Dan knew it wasn’t Tony’s fault, but he doubted the whole thing would have happened if Tony had kept his mouth shut.

“I didn’t mean to,” Tony stammered, clearly nervous, “I think he overheard us in Literature anyway.” 

“Whatever,” Dan said, knowing that nothing said now could erase the damage. 

The class started, but there was no chance of Dan concentrating now. His entire body was shaking, still shocked by what had just happened. He was pretty sure his face was still red and he could feel his clothes becoming covered in a nervous sweat. At times he felt tears form in his eyes, and it took every ounce of concentration to stop them falling. How was Dan meant to get through the rest of this class, let alone the rest of the day?

“Mr Howell? Daniel?” a voice said, but Dan couldn’t tell where it was coming from. He felt dizzy and suddenly his vision blurred. A hand shook him, Dan looked over to see it was connected to Tony.

“Teacher asked if you needed to go see the nurse?” Tony said.

“Oh,” Dan said, suddenly realizing he probably looked sick enough to get him out of school for the rest of the day. “Yeah, yeah I do,’ he said to the teacher, grabbing his belongings and rushing to the nurse’s office. The nurse took one look at Dan’s red face and sweat covered uniform and told him to go home.

Unfortunately, at this time, recess had just started, so Dan had to endure anouther round of jeering as he headed out the school gates.

“Rushing home to see your boyfriend?” Ryan laughed, seeing Dan leave. Dan rolled his eyes, knowing Ryan would say anything (no matter how inconsistent) to try make him feel bad. Dan just kept walking, focusing on making sure he didn’t let any tears fall.

As he walked home Dan couldn’t stop the thoughts racing through his mind. Dan didn’t understand why they had to call Phil his boyfriend. He knew it was just their way of trying to be funny, but it made Dan’s chest clench up with panic. Not that there was anything wrong with being gay, but Dan just knew that wasn’t. Or at least that’s what he always told himself. Sure, he liked Phil, but not like that. He just really liked the videos Phil made, that was all. And maybe he liked the way Phil looked, but that was more of an objective opinion, wasn’t it? 

Dan arrived home and tossed his schoolbag to the ground, kicked off his shoes and ran upstairs to his bedroom. He dived onto his bed, and stuffed his face into his pillow, wishing he could just forget the entire day. He hated school and all the idiots in it. He wished he could leave, and move as far away from this stupid town as possible. Dan was used to name calling, but hearing them use Phil’s name made him feel physically ill. He prayed that they had only overheard Phil’s name, and didn’t know he had a YouTube channel. Or that they would just forget the whole thing and move on to whoever their next target was. Well, at least Dan was home now, and could spend the rest of the day on the internet. 

Dan opened up his laptop and decided to rewatch all of Phil’s videos. After a few hours of smiles and laughter, Dan had mostly recovered (at least physically) from his horrendous morning. Dan then began scrolling through twitter, smiling at all of Phil’s tweets, wishing he was clever enough to come up with a witty response. He always wanted to reply, but everything that came to his mind sounded too stupid. Plus, it seemed Phil would always tweet when Dan was offline, so even if Dan did reply, his reply would become lost in the hundreds of other replies. Dan did, however, comment on all of Phil’s videos, telling him how much he liked them or how funny he thought they were. But Dan knew his comments would be lost amongst thousands of others, and it was unlikely Phil would ever even see them. Sometimes it filled him with despair to realise that the only person who made him happy would never even know he existed. To Phil, Dan was just another fan.


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the school week was one of the hardest of Dan’s entire life. It seemed that everyone in the school had caught onto the idea that Dan had a boyfriend called Phil. He only had to leave the classroom to have people ask him how his boyfriend was and make kissing noises. Dan couldn’t help but blush every time this happened, and it left him with a feeling of constant irritation. Dan could deal with people calling him a loser, nerd or even calling him gay, but every time he heard someone from school use Phil’s name he just felt like crying. Even though they had no idea who Phil actually was, Dan hated that they were using his name. Phil was the only person that made him happy, now hearing his name filled Dan with a sense of panic.

Dan’s biggest fear was that someone from school would find out who Phil really was. That is, they would find out Phil was a person from the internet. Dan couldn’t bear the thought of them finding Phil’s videos. Imagine if they watched them? Dan felt so protective of Phil. What if they started trolling his channel? Phil was pretty good at dealing with trolls, but Dan still feared what would happen if the people who were prepared to bully people face to face were let loose online.

Dan had begged his friends not to let it out, and they’d seemed to agree (well none of them had disagreed) but they seemed to find the whole situation rather funny. Every time someone walked past their lunch table and called out the word boyfriend (which Dan would immediately blush at), Dan’s friends would just start laughing.

“It’s not funny,” Dan told them one lunchtime.

“It’s so funny!” one of them said.

“Yeah, it actually is Dan,” said another, “have you seen your face every time someone calls him your boyfriend?” 

Of course, Dan’s face betrayed him here as well, turning bright right to prove their point.

“Exactly Dan. By the way you react, it always seems like you want him to be your boyfriend.” 

Dan felt his face grow hotter and hoped that no one noticed.

“Honestly Dan,” someone else said. “If it wasn’t so obvious you had a thing for him, no one would keep saying it,”

“I don’t like him!” Dan said defensively. He was only embarrassed that people thought he liked him.

“Are you sure?” his friend asked, which made the whole table laugh. Dan gathered his things and left the cafeteria feeling incredibly annoyed.

However, the question plagued Dan’s mind for the rest of the day. He was still contemplating the whole lunchtime fiasco as he arrived to his after-school detention session, and took a seat ready for an hour of boredom.

Dan found his mind drift back to the question: Did he like Phil? Of course, he didn’t. It was pointless to even think about it, since he didn’t actually know Phil after all. Dan wanted to know him, but that was just a friend thing, right? Obviously, people liked knowing things about their friends, that was how friendship worked.

Dan just liked watching Phil’s videos because he liked Phil as a person, not romantically. Besides, Dan watched loads of other YouTubers. He was only thinking this way about Phil because of everyone at school.

His friend’s words floated back into his mind  _if it wasn’t so obvious you had a thing for him._ What did he mean obvious? Anyone would be blushing in the same circumstances. But, another voice said in Dan’s mind, would he be blushing if they were talking about anyone else? Dan’s heart dropped as he realised the answer.

Maybe he did have a small crush on Phil. Maybe he occasionally watched his videos just to stare at him, imagining the way his hair would feel, how it would be to hold is hand or the way his lips would feel against Dan’s. Dan blushed just thinking about it, then shook his head vigorously, as if trying to shake the thoughts from it.  _Stop it Dan, you’re being creepy._  

“You may go,” the supervising teacher said from the front. Dan was surprised to see how fast the time had gone. He slowly packed away his things and began a slow walk home, ruminating on the week he’d just had. The thing was, if he did have a crush on Phil (which maybe he did), it made the whole week feel so much worse. Even though they didn’t actually know anything about Phil, or much about Dan for that matter, now it felt like everyone knew about his little crush. It felt like everyone had known before even Dan himself knew. But how was this possible? Dan wasn’t gay. He didn’t like guys. Maybe it was just Phil… was that possible? Dan’s head hurt just thinking about it. He couldn’t believe all this started because Dan blushed when Tony had mentioned Phil’s name in class…if only Dan hadn’t been late that morning.

Dan arrived home, and like always couldn’t wait to start watching some of Phil’s videos. However, now it felt different, as Dan found himself noticing his crush on Phil more and more. He’d catch himself imagining reaching out and holding Phil’s hand. He’d realise he hadn’t taken in a word of what Phil was saying, instead he’d become mesmerized by how incredible Phil looked. Or other times he’d become transfixed by how soft Phil’s voice sounded. Sometimes he wouldn’t even realise a new video had started, instead he had become caught up in a fantasy of what it would be like to meet Phil in person. Dan sighed, wishing he hadn’t realised that he did, in fact, like AmazingPhil.  

Dan flipped over to twitter, and felt his heart skip a beat as he noticed Phil had just tweeted. 

AmazingPhil: some guy on the train just called me mother. I have never felt so confused

He could reply and Phil might actually see it! He doubted Phil would respond, but at least Dan kind of felt like he was interacting with him. 

danisnotonfire: some kids at school kept calling you my boyfriend and I have no idea why. Not that I’d mind or anything ;)

Dan laughed at himself as he hit reply, but within a few seconds felt a sense of overwhelming regret. How could he have just told Phil about the stupid kids at school? He would probably think Dan had implied to his school friends that Phil was his boyfriend or something. But worse than that, why had he thought it was a good idea to type n _ot that I’d mind._ Was he trying to flirt with Phil? Phil was going to feel incredibly creeped out and probably block Dan after reading that.

It was okay though, Dan could just delete the tweet. Phil probably hadn’t even seen it amongst the hundreds of other replies flooding in. Just as Dan was about to hit the delete button a notification popped up.

_Phil Lester has replied to your tweet._

AmazingPhil: @danisnotonfire Woah, that’s insane! How did that even happen?

Phil had just replied him! He’d actually noticed Dan! He felt a burst of excitement, however then realised what had actually happened…Why Phil had replied to that tweet of all tweets? Did Phil find it humorous or did he just think Dan was crazy? What if he trying to work out whether to organise a restraining order? Dan had to explain this properly, so Phil didn’t think he was some obsessed fanboy (which he was, but Phil didn’t need to know that)

Danisnotonire: @amazingphil idk some jerk heard my friend ask if I had been watching you and came to the boyfriend conclusion

Would Phil would even read his response? To his surprise Phil responded within the minute.

AmazingPhil: well @danisnotonfire I wouldn’t say no to a boyfriend right now if you know what I mean

Dan’s whole body felt like it was going to explode in a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Dan began pacing the room, unable to keep still. What did Phil mean? Was he flirting with Dan?  _Don’t be stupid_ , he told himself. Did Phil mean he wouldn’t mind having Dan as a boyfriend? Dan nearly hit himself for even thinking such a ridiculous thought. Why would Phil mean that? He didn’t even know Dan! This was just Phil’s sense of humour. He was just trying to be funny. That was all. Dan shouldn’t read anything into this, and just be excited Phil had replied to him: twice in one night.

Dan barely slept at all that night. His heart pounded with excitement, with the realization that Phil had actually noticed him. But his brain was still riddled with confusing thoughts trying to determine the meaning behind Phil’s tweets. Trying to remind himself that there was no meaning, Phil was just being funny. He found himself opening his laptop at random intervals to check that it had been real and Dan hadn’t just imagined it.

Eventually Dan fell into a restless sleep, filled with crazy and confusing dreams. Dreams where Phil was asking to be Dan’s boyfriend, dreams were Phil was telling Dan to stop being such a creep and even one dream where they were getting married. Married? After one notice Dan was already imagining them married. He really needed to get a better handle on this crush.  _You don’t know Phil_ he reminded himself.  _And more importantly, Phil doesn’t know you._

Dan sighed, and opened up his laptop, to check what Phil had been up to. To Dan’s great surprise, he happened to open twitter one second after Phil had tweeted something.

AmazingPhil: Why does no one ever want to watch Buffy with me? It’s only the best show to EVER exist 

There was no way he’d be noticed two days in a row, but Dan liked replying to Phil, even if Phil didn’t reply back.

danisnotonfire: I’ve never seen it before, but I’d be happy to watch it with you

Dan happily tweeted it, but then once again felt a sense of overwhelming panic, that Phil must think he was crazy. He must sound like a crazed fan! Or worse, if Phil remembered him from yesterday, he’d totally sound like he was flirting with him.

AmazingPhil: well I’d hope my ‘boyfriend’ would be happy to watch Buffy with me

Dan’s heart was now beating faster than it ever had in his life. His mind was racing. Phil had replied to him again. Phil had remembered him from yesterday. Phil had just called him his boyfriend Not only had Phil remembered him from yesterday…he’d just freaking called Dan his boyfriend! Of course he was joking, but Dan found himself grinning. He jumped up in excitement and began pacing his room, unable to contain himself. Should he reply again? Was Phil flirting with him? Dan knew he had just been joking, but at the same time, Phil didn’t have to reply, or call Dan his boyfriend. What did this mean? Dan returned to his laptop and typed a quick response

danisnotonfire: of course, just give me a time and place and I’m there

Dan hoped he sounded like he was joking. He was joking, even if he wished that this was an actual exchange.

AmazingPhil: my house tonight 7pm

Dan couldn’t believe Phil had replied him again! How was this going so well? Whenever Dan tried to joke around with anyone at school it was always a complete flop. Dan risked his luck and replied again.

danisnotonfire: I wish I could but it would probably take me two years to earn enough money for a train ticket to Manchester

AmazingPhil: So October 19th 2009?  
  
Danisnotonfire: Sure I’ll put it in my calendar

Dan had expected for this to be the end of the conversation, so was surprised to see Phil’s name pop up in his messages. Dan laughed when he saw Phil had messaged him with a photo of a calendar, flicked to October 2009, with the words @d _anisnotonfire Buffy date :)_

If only it were a really date, Dan thought to himself.

Dan: Ok, well let me know if I need to bring anything

Phil: I will ^_^

Dan hated to not respond, but he really didn’t think he could add any further banter to the conversation, so instead closed his laptop with his mind in a complete daze. How had that just happened? He’d basically just had a full conversation with Phil. Phil must have enjoyed it to..or he wouldn’t have continued, or messaged Dan with the photo. Dan found himself grinning as a realised…Phil knew who he was. Sure, as a profile picture and username. But maybe, if Dan kept tweeting him Phil would keep noticing, and maybe…maybe it could go on from there.

Dan didn’t stop smiling the whole weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, I'd love to hear your thoughts :)  
> Next Chapter will be coming soon!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning that this chapter contains some really bad bullying & homophobia.

Dan’s euphoria lasted until his alarm went off on Monday morning. Every part of his body protested at the thought of having to return to school. Would everyone still be using Phil’s name to make fun of him? Would they have stopped calling him his boyfriend? Dan hoped that they would have forgotten about it over the weekend. Hopefully they had moved on. 

However, as soon as Dan arrived at school it became very clear that Ryan had not moved on.

“Spend the whole weekend with your boyfriend?” Ryan called out from across the hallway. Dan sighed, realizing that this wasn’t ending anytime soon. He continued walking, hoping that by ignoring Ryan, he would just give up. 

“Not talking Howell? Don’t want to divulge the intense sex you had?” Ryan yelled to the 30 people standing in the hallway. Dan’s face instantly turned right bright as everyone started howling with laughter. Clearly, ignoring them wasn’t going to get this to stop. 

“Look, I’ve said this before, I don’t have a boyfriend, okay?” Dan said to Ryan.

“Right, you probably just spent the whole weekend trying to make a move on this Phil,” Ryan retorted, and Dan blushed harder hearing Phil’s name.

“Of course he didn’t,” Tony suddenly said from the corner, causing both Dan and Ryan to look around in surprise. 

“How would you know, idiot?” Ryan spat at him.

“Because Phil doesn’t even know Dan!” Tony said, and Dan wanted to cry. Dan wished he could remove Tony’s vocal cords. Did he honestly think he was helping?

“What, so you just watch him from a distance? Shit, you’ve even more pathetic than I thought,” Ryan laughed. Dan began walking away, silently begging that Tony wouldn’t say anything else.

“Yeah, Phil lives in Manchester,” Tony said, and Dan’s jaw dropped. Was Tony trying to make the situation worse?

“I get it Howell,” Ryan snickered. “You’re one of the creeps who just stalks people online. Wow. You’re a bigger faggot than I could have ever imagined,”

“It’s not like that,” Dan stammered, but his voice was lost among the 30 or so people calling Dan a range of awful names he’d rather not remember.

Dan gave up. It didn’t matter what he said or didn’t say, he couldn’t fix this. Dan began to walk away from the group. After getting punched in the arm several times, Dan arrived at his next class, where he spent the next hour in a state of bewilderment and shock, unable to comprehend how the situation had become even worse.

Lunchtime arrived but Dan couldn’t face the cafeteria. He’d dealt with enough today. He didn’t want to see his friends (although, could he really consider them friends?) He didn’t want to deal with any of the jerks, and whatever else they would be saying about him today. He certainly didn’t want to deal with Ryan.

Dan sighed, realizing he was going to be spending lunchtime in the library. Oh well, at least he could go on the internet there.

Dan logged onto one of the library computers and opened twitter, to see Phil had tweeted that morning.

AmazingPhil: New video tonight ^_^

Dan smiled for the first time all day. He wished he could fast forward time until he could watch Phil’s new video. Dan was about to hit reply when the computer’s mouse was snatched from under his fingers. Dan was shocked, and looked up to see Ryan and two friends standing over him.

_Oh, shit._

“So, is this where you stalk your boyfriend?” Ryan sniggered, taking advantage of Dan’s surprise and grabbing the mouse as well. 

Panic was quickly spreading through Dan’s entire body, realizing he was trapped, with his twitter account logged in and open for them all to see. Dan frantically tried to grab the mouse but Ryan only pulled it away and laughed, while his friends stood behind Ryan as if they were his personal guard.

“Let’s have a look,” Ryan laughed, forcefully pushing Dan off the chair. Dan winced as his body hit the ground, his shoulder throbbing painfully from the impact.

“AmazingPhil…” Ryan read aloud, and Dan felt tears falling down his face. “What a loser name!”

Dan tried to stand up, but one of Ryan’s friends pushed him back down and held a hand against his back so Dan couldn’t get back up. Dan’s side was aching from where he had hit the ground, and his back was hurting from the pressure being placed on it, however Dan found himself not caring about the pain. He was far more concerned about what Ryan was doing on his account. He could the scrolling of the mouse, and Dan could only guess Ryan was scrolling through Phil’s tweets.

Dan felt his entire world imploding. They were going to see Phil call Dan his boyfriend. They were going to see all Dan’s tweets to Phil. Dan tried to free himself but his captor only gripped him tighter.

“Looks like you’re out of luck, Howell,” Ryan stopped scrolling and laughed, “seems like Phil already has a boyfriend.”

“What?” Dan asked, genuinely confused. Hadn’t Ryan realised that he was danisnotonfire? Relief flooded through his body.

“Wow, it’s not even the fact you’re a boy that put him off, turns out he just doesn’t like  _you_!” They all laughed, but Dan didn’t even feel upset. He actually had to refrain himself from laughing, thanking every possible force in the universe that Ryan hadn’t realised Dan was danisnotonfire. Dan felt the hand release him, and stood up watching as Ryan turned to leave. However, one of his friends held out a hand to stop him.

“Wait, Ryan,” he pointed to Dan’s profile in the corner of the screen, “I think Dan  _is_  danisnotonfire”

No! Dan’s heart constricted and every muscle in his body felt like it was cramping up again.

“Oh,” Ryan said, eyes narrowing. “Well, this changes everything.”

Dan leaped to grab the mouse and close twitter but Ryan got there first.

“So, Phil actually is your boyfriend, you gaylord,” Ryan snickered.

“He’s not, it was a joke,” Dan stammered, trying again to grab the mouse from Ryan, but at the same time Dan felt one of Ryan’s friends pin Dan’s arms to his side.

“A joke?” Ryan asked, as Dan tried to free himself. 

“It’s just Phil’s sense of humor,” Dan tried to explain.

“I see,” Ryan said slowly, “well I have a good sense of humor too. Since he played a joke on you, I think it is only fair, that you play a joke back.”

“No!” Dan said, tears forming, as he saw Ryan sit down at the keyboard and press reply to Phil’s latest tweet. “Please stop,” Dan begged.

“What did you say?” Ryan asked. “You want to tell Phil to stop? Stop what? Calling you his boyfriend? Well, if you want!” He gave Dan a sinister wink, and sat down and turned back to the keyboard again.

“@AmazingPhil” he called out as he typed the letters incredibly slowly. “I’m not your boyfriend, you faggot. Fuck off.”

No

No

NO

Tears were now falling down Dan’s cheeks. Ryan couldn’t do this. He couldn’t tweet Phil that message. Dan watched, as if in slow motion, as Ryan pressed reply, and turned to see the tears down Dan’s face.

“No need to cry, loser. He won’t be bothering you now,” Ryan snickered, before turning and leaving the library, friends following suit.

Dan’s arms felt bruised after being gripped so tightly for so long, but right now, the only thing on Dan’s mind was deleting that tweet before Phil saw it. Dan sat down at the computer, but the screen suddenly turned off.

“Computers are meant for school work only,” one of the librarians said, from behind Dan. Why did she have to come over now? Where was she when Dan was being pinned to the floor?

“But, just give me one minute,” Dan begged, gesturing to the computer.

“No, you’ve disturbed the library enough today,” she said sternly. He’d disturbed the library? How was it his fault what Ryan had done? Obviously, it didn’t matter to her, as she was sternly pointing Dan towards the door.

Dan left the library, shaking and trying to resist the urge to throw up as he realised he wouldn’t be able to access the internet for another three hours. Phil would definitely see the tweet.

Dan was suddenly filled with an immense hatred for school. He hated his so called friends. He hated Ryan and the jerks that sought nothing but to make his life miserable. He hated the teachers who didn’t care. He hated everything about the place.

Dan made up his mind. He was going home. He’d had enough. He didn’t care that he still had to classes to go. Maybe, just maybe, Phil was busy and wouldn’t be checking twitter. Maybe if he got home soon enough he could still delete it in time. If there was a chance he could fix this, he wasn’t going to waste the next three hours stuck at school.

Dan had never run so fast in his life. He was home within five minutes, and logged straight on, only to feel like his heart had been ripped in half.

AmazingPhil: No new video today :( Maybe tomorrow

AmazingPhil: Actually I think I’m gonna take a break from the internet for a bit…just a sad and stuff :(

Nooooo. Fuck. No. Endless curses ran through Dan’s mind, as Dan reread the messages and realised what must have happened.

Phil had seen. 

Not only had Phil seen, it had upset him so much that he wasn’t uploading. He was so upset he was taking a break from the internet.

No.

No.

Dan began crying again, wondering how things had changed so quickly. Was it really this morning Dan was still grinning about Phil tweeting him back?

Dan deleted Ryan’s tweet out of rage, but it didn’t matter. The damage was done.

Dan wondered if he should give Phil an explanation. But would Phil really believe what had happened? Even if he did, Phil would realise just how much of a loser Dan really was and never want to interact with him again. No matter what happened now, it was over. Phil would never want to message Dan again. 


	4. Chapter 4

Floods of tears accompanied the realization that Dan had lost everything. For the past year Phil’s videos had provided him with a source of comfort. They had been the reason for waking up in the morning. They had given him the strength to get through each harrowing day of school. But now, all that was gone. He would never be able to watch Phil’s videos again without remembering what had happened. He could never think about Phil without remembering how much pain he must have caused him. Dan hated himself. Why had he thought it was a good idea to check twitter at school? He shouldn’t have been so careless. Dan wished he could turn back time and fix everything. But he couldn’t, instead he would be stuck with these negative emotions forever. 

Dan felt another pang of anger at himself. He shouldn’t be feeling sorry for himself, not when it was his fault that Phil was upset. Dan couldn’t imagine how shocking it would have been to receive such as blatantly awful message from anyone, let alone someone he’d been joking with a few days earlier. Dan’s tears fell faster as he imagined Phil alone in his room, reading the message, seeing who it was from. Did Phil now see their previous interactions as a set up for Dan to humiliate him?  

Suddenly Dan felt a surge of anger. What the hell was Ryan’s problem? Wasn’t ruining Dan’s life enough? Why did he have to go bully someone on the internet too? Dan gasped at a horrible thought. What if Phil never recovered from this? What if Phil stopped making videos? Dan wasn’t sure if Phil had ever received hate before, but even if he had, the message was bad enough to make anyone want to leave the internet. Tears streamed down Dan’s face rapidly, audible sobs echoing throughout his room, as he realised just how bad the situation was.

Dan wondered whether he should tell Phil what happened. Maybe just knowing that the message wasn’t typed by Dan would make it a little bit better. That was, if Phil even believed him. Dan himself still couldn’t understand how it had happened and he had lived through it.

However, Phil deserved an explanation and Dan at least owed him an apology. Dan opened up a direct message to Phil, heart throbbing as it revealed their previous interaction.

Dan:  _Hi Phil, you probably saw an awful tweet from my account earlier. I am so sorry. I didn’t tweet it. It’s a long story, but I swear it wasn’t me. It was still my fault, so that I am very sorry. You see at school I’m a pretty big loser, so these guys always pick on me and stuff. Anyway today…_

Dan explained what had happened, fully aware of how fake and unbelievable his explanation sounded. Even if Phil did believe him, he would probably realise that Dan was far too problematic to be involved with in any kind of way. He’d see how much of a loser Dan was and would never want to interact with him again.

That was, if Phil even read Dan’s message. He might refuse to and block Dan completely. Dan prayed that he would at least read Dan’s apology as he pressed send.  Since Dan knew he would never hear back, he threw his laptop to the floor, not caring whether it ever worked again.

Dan then cried for hours, his eyes becoming sore and swollen, his chest aching from so much sobbing. He arms were already sore from the numerous punches that morning and the library fiasco. His leg muscles ached from sprinting home. But none of that was as bad as the massive emotional pain that was tearing through Dan’s heart and mind.  He curled up in his blankets and lay in bed for hours, feeling like he never wanted to get up again.

After many more hours, Dan felt the sudden need to use the bathroom. Getting out of bed seemed like too much effort, but in the end he realised it would be rather uncomfortable if he wet the bed.

As Dan returned from the bathroom he nearly tripped over his laptop. He’d forgotten he’d thrown it on the floor. As he picked it up he noticed that twitter was still open, and he realised he had several messages waiting for him. 

Several messages from Phil. 

Dan nearly dropped his laptop as he sat down, heart beating in anticipation, body shaking with nerves as he began to read the stream of messages. 

 Phil:  _Dan there is absolutely no way I am accepting this apology since YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DO NOT THINK FOR A SECOND THAT IT IS_

Phil:  _Okay, so now I got that out of the way….._

Phil:  _Oh, I’m so sorry this happened :( I know I don’t know you well, but I know you didn’t deserve that. Ryan and his friends sound like such dickheads, I wish I could come punch them for you. Well, in theory, since I don’t know how to punch and at the end of the day violence doesn’t help, but I’M STILL SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS_

Phil:  _Also, you seemed worried about me in your message! Don’t worry, I’m fine ^_^ I’ll admit I was upset after your message, but now I know it wasn’t from you, I’m all good :) Truth is, I was kind of worried I’d taken the jokes too far in our tweets the other day…Plus I think you’re a pretty cool person, and it upset me to think you would message that! But you didn’t so we are all good!_

Phil: _I’m just really hoping you are okay! That’s too much for anyone to deal with :( Just remember that one day you will be able to leave school and you’ll never have to see those jerks again. Also, they aren’t bullying you because you’re a loser (don’t ever call yourself that, I mean it) they are bullying you because they are mean and awful people._

Phil:  _Wow, sorry for all these messages O.o there was a lot to say…I better go finish editing my new video, I hope you’ll like it!_

Phil’s messages filled Dan with a sense of warmth that Dan didn’t know was possible. How could someone who didn’t even know him be so kind? Dan was still in shock that Phil had even believed him, let alone felt angry on Dan’s behalf. And Phil thought Dan was a ‘cool person’? Dan blushed, wondering how it was possible that Phil didn’t think he was a loser? Phil’s messages had come through hours ago, so Dan quickly typed a response. 

Dan:  _Thanks Phil :) You saying all that means a lot. But I am still sorry about the whole thing :( I hope you are okay, and you’re not just saying that you are, I know the message was awful to read no matter where it came from. Don’t worry about me, I will be ok, eventually._

Dan felt like his message was inadequate, but he didn’t know what else to say. Phil had gone to such efforts to help Dan feel better, and had been kinder to him than anyone had been for a long time.  Dan was still taking in all of Phil’s kind words when another message came through.

 Phil: _I know you are only saying sorry because you are nice BUT DON’T BE SORRY BECAUSE IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT OKAY? And it’s very sweet of you to be worried about me, but I am okay, I promise. I am worried about you though._

Phil:  _I’ve been thinking, that, if you want, I’m happy to talk to you more about this sometime over skype or something. I was bullied in school too and I never talked to anyone about it, and that only made things worse for me, as I had all these bottled up emotions I never dealt with. I know it can feel scary to bring it up with someone, and since I already know part of the story, maybe that would help?  
Of course, if I’m out of line just tell me! I won’t be offended if you don’t want to :)_

Phil:  _I’ll leave it up to you. My skype is PhilLester. You’re welcome to call anytime_ ^_^

Dan read the message, unable to comprehend what Phil had just offered. Phil wanted to skype Dan? He could actually talk to Phil? Not only that, Phil was happy to listen to Dan’s problems? No one had ever offered that to Dan before. Dan was about to respond when yet another message came through.

Phil:  _Or we can talk about other stuff. Confession time: I might have been stalking your twitter feed and it seems we have lot in common ;)_

Dan laughed as he started typing a reply.

  
Dan:  _Well since I’ve been stalking you for the last year, I suppose I can forgive you._

Dan:  _I’d love to talk to you on skype. That would honestly be amazing. However, maybe not tonight, as I look like a strangled swamp rat after this day, and I don’t exactly want that to be your first impression of me. My skype is Dan.Howell, maybe we could talk tomorrow?_

  
Phil:  _haha. No problem, I should probably try and get this video uploaded before it gets too late anyway, but I’ll look forward to seeing you all well groomed tomorrow. (I’m kidding I don’t care what you look like )_

Dan:  _Cool & sorry for distracting you from your video._

Phil: _That’s ok, I think I like being distracted by you_

Dan couldn’t help himself from blushing. How was this happening? He couldn’t believe Phil didn’t hate him, let alone had just given him his skype address and wanted to actually talk to him. How had the worst thing that happened in Dan’s life resulted in this?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a bit longer than usual!   
> I hope you enjoy :)

Dan wasn’t sure how he was feeling. Part of him still felt the lingering effects of the stressful afternoon, not to mention the physical pain from being punched in various places and pinned to the floor with no mercy. Yet, at the same time Dan couldn’t help but feel his heart race in excitement as he reread Phil’s messages from the evening. The again, Dan also felt incredibly nervous thinking about the Skype call, what if Phil didn’t like him?

Dan opened YouTube to check whether Phil’s new video was up yet, and was greeted a video called ‘My camping disaster’. Dan started playing it immediately, and could barely breathe from laughing as Phil recounted stories from an awful camping trip he’d been on a few weekends ago. As the video finished, Dan instinctively scrolled down to leave a comment when he suddenly realised...he could just message Phil.

Dan: omg your new video was so funny I couldn’t stop laughing

Phil: aww, thanks dan! I’m glad to make you laugh, especially after today ^_^

Dan: thanks phil :)

Phil: well, I don’t mean to act like an annoying parent, but you should probably get to bed it’s kinda late

Dan glanced at the clock to see it was nearly midnight, and was suddenly struck by intense anxiety, realising he would have to go back to school tomorrow. Dan doubted that Ryan had kept the library encounter private, and by now the whole school probably knew whatever inflated version of the story Ryan had told them. He couldn’t face it, he felt like throwing up just thinking about it. What would everyone say now they knew what was on his twitter feed? What if someone else decided Dan would make a good punching bag?

_Dan_ : I don’t think I can face school tomorrow I’m too scared

_Phil_ :  I know it can be terrifying but I also know you are brave enough to face it ^_^

_Dan_ : That’s kind Phil, but you don’t actually know me...I just can’t do this

Phil: I know enough about you to know that you can do it :)

_Dan_ : I can’t

_Phil_ : You can

_Dan_ : I’m going to skip

_Phil_ : That might seem like a good idea now but it will only make it even harder the next day

_Dan_ : I know but I’m scared tomorrow is going to be even worse than today

_Phil_ :  I hope it’s not :( but even if it is you know you have something to look forward to when you get home

_Dan_ : What do you mean

_Phil_ : Our skype call ^_^

_Dan_ : I never said I was looking forward it  

_Phil_ : Oh :( Sorry, we really don’t have to skype if you don’t want to

_Dan_ : Phil I was joking! Of course, I am looking forward to it

_Phil_ : Oh :) Good!

_Dan_ : But I’m scared you won’t like me

_Phil_ : I already like you

_Dan:_  but this is messaging, you haven’t had to hear my ridiculous voice or look at my ugly face

_Phil_ : I’ve already seen your face in your twitter icon and I wouldn’t exactly call it ugly

_Dan:_  no because calling it ugly would be a compliment compared to how horrific it is

_Phil:_  Dan! I think you have a nice face :)

_Dan_ : you don’t even know if that’s my real face…for all you know that might not even be me, I could be a 60 year old stalker plotting your murder

_Phil_ : I’m scared

_Dan_ : don’t worry I’m just a regular 16 year old stalker

_Phil_ : You’re actually making me nervous

_Dan_ : Well that’s a first, I can’t say I’ve ever scared anyone before

_Phil_ : maybe no one’s ever seen your dark side

_Dan_ : true that, I’m too busy getting bullied and punched

_Phil_ : :(

_Dan_ : but in all seriousness Phil you actually don’t have to skype me, I know you said you would but you’ve probably realised by now how annoying I am

_Phil_ : well unfortunately for you I happen to like annoying people so I guess you’ll be stuck with me  

_Dan_ : haha (I am laughing sarcastically in case you couldn’t tell)

_Phil_ : haha (I am laughing unsarcastically in case you couldn’t tell)

_Dan_ : I can’t tell if you are messing with me

_Phil_ : Maybe I’ve been messing with you this whole time

_Dan_ : wait what…I’m…:(

_Phil_ : Oh no! I was just joking Dan :( Sorry to scare you

_Dan_ : I know  _I_  was joking

_Phil:_  Dan! I was scared for a second

_Dan:_  haha

_Phil:_ well I can’t wait until I can hear your actual voice so I can tell when you are being serious

_Dan:_  I am never serious except occasionally

_Phil:_ that didn’t make things any clearer

_Dan:_  maybe you need to put on your glasses

_Phil:_ how do you know I wear glasses? I don’t remember ever wearing them in a video before….

_Dan:_  told you I’m a stalker

_Phil:_ but how did you actually know?

_Dan:_  dailybooth photo a few months back

_Phil:_  wait…I only had that up for a few minutes, because I got too scared of what people would say about my glasses….

_Dan:_  well you weren’t quick enough to delete it and now it is my desktop background. I also printed it out to add to my murder plot notepad

_Phil:_  *runs away screaming*

_Dan:_  besides I’m sure you’ve mentioned it in a video

_Phil:_  probably

_Dan:_  phil?

_Phil:_  yes?

_Dan:_ thanks for chatting tonight…I feel a lot better after joking around with you

_Phil_ : Your welcome!

_Dan:_  I should probably try to sleep, school tomorrow you know

_Phil:_  good idea :) I hope you sleep okay

_Dan:_  thanks, so what time should I call?

_Phil:_  Anytime that suits you will suit me!

_Dan:_  Okay, thanks a load Phil

_Phil:_ but maybe message just before you call, just so I can have the police on hold in case you are a murderer that can murder people through computer screens

_Dan_ : Got it

_Phil:_ good luck at school tomorrow Dan

_Dan:_  thanks I’ll need it

_Phil:_  you can do this dan :)

_Dan:_  thanks, well, goodnight

_Phil:_  good night ^_^

Dan fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 

Dan felt incredible amounts of anxiety on his walk to school the next morning. What had Ryan told everyone? Dan was sure Ryan and his friends wouldn’t let a chance to further humiliate Dan go to waste. They would have told everyone how about how they physically pushed Dan around, they would have recited all Dan’s tweets (probably adding some of their own too) and they certainly would have informed everyone that Dan was crying. Dan stopped walking and buried his face in his hands at the thought. Couldn’t he just go home now? He couldn’t deal with another day of name calling, punches in corridors, and whatever else that could happen today that Dan didn’t want to imagine.

Dan almost started walking home when he remembered Phil’s message. Phil was right, if he didn’t go today it would make it even harder tomorrow. As well as this, Dan also kind of wanted to be able to tell Phil he’d survived the day at school when they skyped this afternoon. With that thought, Dan continued his walk to school.

As Dan approached the school he noticed Ryan standing by the school gates, and Dan felt himself tense up. What was he going to say when Dan passed by him? Had he just been waiting for Dan to arrive at school?

“Surprised you showed up today, gaylord,” Ryan snickered as Dan entered the school. Dan kept his head down and kept walking, even though he knew this usual tactic of ignoring bullies never worked. 

“I thought you would have spent the whole day crying over your breakup with Phil,” Ryan snickered, and Dan blushed, hating himself for being so expressive. Why couldn’t his cheeks just not go red? Ryan followed Dan as he entered the main building and made his way to his locker.

“Don’t worry, Howell,” Ryan said, loud enough for everyone in the corridor to hear. “I’m sure you can find another boy on the internet to jerk off to,”

Dan froze in a combination of shock and embarrassment, heart hammering so fast he could feel it throughout his entire body. Every student in the corridor seemed to be staring at him, and Dan heard endless laughter and the repetition of the word gay coming from every angle.

“I don’t...” Dan stammered, trying to make things better for himself, but like always people just laughed.

“Stop pretending you’re not gay, Howell,” Ryan snorted.  

“I’m not,” Dan said quickly, even though he knew that might not be entirely true. Fortunately, the school bell rang and this point, and the hallway started to empty.

“Try not to daydream about Phil too much in class,” Ryan snickered, before leaving Dan alone in the corridor.

Dan, stood there frozen for a few minutes, feeling humiliated. Why did Ryan always have to make fun of him in crowded hallways? Why did everyone just go along with it, did they really all think this way? Dan honestly wasn’t sure what he defined his sexuality as, but why did it even matter if Dan was gay? Either way, Dan was a big enough target as it was so he would do his best to make sure they didn’t think he was.

Dan suddenly realised that his class had probably already started. Dan grabbed his books from his locker and ran to class. The last thing he needed was another detention. Thankfully, he arrived before the teacher and sat in his usual seat beside Tony.

“Late because you were watching Phil again?” Tony whispered.

“Honestly, just shut up Tony” Dan said, feeling absolutely furious. It was bad enough that the rest of the school acted like this, but wasn’t Tony was meant to be his friend?

“Well you usually are,” Tony whispered, looking rather taken aback.

“So what if I was?” Dan said, trying to refrain himself from yelling in front of the entire class. Tony didn’t have a chance to respond as the teacher walked in and began teaching, but Dan was pretty sure he wouldn’t have had an answer anyway.

The rest of the day passed slowly and painfully. The corridors were an absolute hell for Dan, with boys from all year levels of the school yelling out insults which Dan hoped he wouldn’t remember. The classes were only slightly better. With the presence of the teacher, most boys refrained themselves, however Dan still swore he could hear people whispering the words ‘gay’ and ‘phil.’ It made Dan feel incredibly anxious every time he thought he heard people talking about him. The only thing keeping Dan sane was the knowledge that he could talk to Phil after school.

When it came to lunchtime, Dan decided the cafeteria was probably the safest place. Although the humiliation would be unbearable there, there was a teacher on guard who always stepped in if things got physical. Although, Dan had no idea why he just sat there when kids were clearly being verbally attacked – surely it was his job to stop that as well? Dan arrived at his usual lunch table to find Tony and Isaac waiting for him.

“Dan, what happened in the library yesterday?” Dan’s friend Isacc asked as Dan sat down.

“Well, I’m sure Ryan’s already filled everyone in,” Dan said bitterly, wondering why Isacc was choosing now to be interested in Dan’s thoughts.

“Is it true you cried?” Isaac asked eagerly, and Dan resisted the urge to throw his lunch at him.

“Dan,” Tony said suddenly. “Why would it even matter if Ryan sent a rude message to Phil? It’s not like he’d remember you anyway,”

Was Tony actually serious? What that his way of trying to be a reassuring friend? Or was he just making fun of Dan too?

“Are you trying to be comforting?” Dan asked, biting into his sandwich. Tony didn’t respond.

“Well we can’t exactly help you when you didn’t even tell us what happened,” Isaac said.

“You haven’t tried to help this entire time!” Dan said angrily, slamming his sandwich down.  

“Well it’s not like we can really do anything,” Tony shrugged.

“You could just be nice,” Dan muttered under his breath, but by that stage they had moved onto another conversation. Who were these people Dan considered his friends? Perhaps it had taken having someone actually be nice to him to realise they didn’t exactly act like friends.

 

Dan was dismissed from his final class early, and for once luck was on his side, and Dan was able to avoid running into Ryan as he left the school. Dan couldn’t wait to get home, his phone call with Phil was less than an hour away.

Dan showered and re- straightened his hair, wanting it to look perfect for his call. He changed out of his school uniform into his favourite t-shirt. He then adjusted his hair for 15 minutes in the mirror, trying to make it look as nice as possible. He changed into a different t-shirt, then back into his original one, then had to fix his hair again. After half an hour of trying to improve his appearance, he realised this was probably as good as it was going to get, and sat down at his laptop and messaged Phil.

_Dan_ : Hi Phil, I am home and ready to Skype whenever you want, I mean if you still want to that is

_Phil_ : Of course I still want to Dan! I’ve been looking forward to it all day! Just give me a few minutes as I just got out of the shower and have to get dressed

_Dan_ : haha sure

_Phil_ : I’ll call you in like 5, okay?  
  
For the next five minutes Dan felt incredibly nervous. What would it be like actually talking to AmazingPhil? Dan had dreamt of this moment for so long, but he never considered it could actually happen. What if Phil didn’t like him? What if he found Dan’s voice annoying? Most people seemed to… Dan fixed his hair, flattening it out again. His heart was racing, and he had even begun to sweat a little. What if he just said everything wrong? What if Phil never wanted to talk to him or have anything to do with him again?

_Phil Lester is calling_

Dan took a big breath, sat up straight and pressed accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dan & Phil Skype call coming soon :)


	6. Chapter 6

The screen changed to reveal Phil’s smiling face and bright blue eyes. Like always, his black hair fell so perfectly around his face and he was wearing his red plaid shirt that Dan recognized as one of Phil’s favorites.

“Hi!” Phil said as he raised a hand and waved to Dan, who hit by a sudden feeling of intense disbelief. He had seen Phil wave to the camera countless times, it was hard to believe that he wasn’t just watching another AmazingPhil video.

“Hi,” Dan said, blushing with the realisation that Phil was looking at him. Dan prayed that the poor quality of the webcam and bad lighting would prevent Phil from noticing.

“Wow, it’s so good to be able to see you!” Phil laughed, and Dan’s heart skipped at beat at the sound of Phil’s familiar chuckle.   
“Well, for me it’s sort of weird that you can see me,” Dan admitted.

“I’m glad you’re and not a murderer like you would have had me believe,” Phil laughed. 

“For all you know I still could be. This could all be part of my plan,” Dan joked.

Phil made a terrified expression, then pulled out one of his green pillows to cover his face.

“Hey it’s your pillow!” Dan said, excited to see the familiar green object.

“Sure is,” Phil said, punching it out of the frame. “Now you have to show me your pillow in exchange.” 

“What?” Dan asked, confused. 

“It’s only fair. You know everything about me, so I have to start catching up,” Phil said, smiling at him.

“But I’m leaning against my pillow,” Dan complained, not wanting to move from his comfortable position. 

“Fine then, show me something else,” Phil laughed. 

“Er,” Dan gazed around his immediate area and blushed as his eyes landed on his toy teddy bear.

“Oooh, what is it?” Phil said, and Dan blushed harder realising Phil had noticed him blushing.  

“Um,” Dan hesitated again. Dan must already seem like such a child to Phil, with Phil being over four years older than him and at university. He really didn’t want to seem even more immature by showing him a teddy bear.

“Now you have to show me, you’ve kept me hanging for too long,” Phil laughed. Dan was beginning to wonder what Phil was expecting when he realised he might be imagining something much worse than a toy. 

“Okay, well,” Dan said as he pulled the teddy bear in to view, “this is my old teddy bear.”

“It’s so cute!” Phil said with a small squeal. He put his hands under his chin and Dan couldn’t help but think that Phil looked rather cute himself.  

“He says thankyou,” Dan said, moving the bear towards the webcam. Phil smiled, although oddly his eyes didn’t really seem focused on the bear. Dan put the bear back down on the bed beside him.

“Hey where’d bear go?” Phil said and Dan froze. How had Phil known Dan’s old nickname?

“How did you-?” Dan began to ask before realising that Phil had just been referring to the toy. “Oh right,” Dan laughed. “You meant my toy. Sorry I got confused.”

“What else would I mean?” Phil asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Um,” Dan said, suddenly embarrassed to be admitting another childish piece of information. ”My parents sort of used to call me Bear, when I was a kid…”

“That’s so cute!” Phil said then gasped. “Oh my gosh, can I call you Bear?” 

“What?” Dan said, taken aback. “Why?”

“Well everyone else calls you Dan, I want to call you something special,” 

“Uh, okay, if you really want to,” Dan said, reasoning that Phil would probably forget this within a few minutes.

“Yay! Bear! I love it,” Phil said, clapping his hands together. Just seeing Phil so happy made Dan smile, even if he didn’t understand why Phil was so excited.

“Hey, are you wearing a Muse t-shirt?” Phil asked suddenly.

“Oh yeah, I guess I am,“ Dan said, looking down and realising what t-shirt he had on.

“I love Muse!”

“Me too!” Dan said, “I mean obviously, I’m wearing their t-shirt.” He said, feeling like an idiot, but fortunately Phil just laughed. Phil then began asking Dan about his favourite Muse songs and albums, which then led into a discussion of other bands and then music more generally. Phil kept asking Dan questions, as if he was actually interested in what Dan had to say, and for once in his life Dan didn’t feel like every single word that left his mouth was stupid. Phil would smile as Dan talked, and laugh when Dan attempted to make a joke and every single response from Phil made Dan feel all warm inside.  

“Oh my god,” Phil laughed. “I just realised that we’ve been talking for over an hour. That went so quick!”

“Oh, wow!’ Dan said surprised to see how much time had passed.

“I feel so bad!” Phil frowned suddenly. “I didn’t even ask you how school went.”

“No! Don’t be! It was actually nice to forget about it for a while,” Dan sighed, insults from the day suddenly flying back into his mind.

“Well, Bear,” Phil said, surprising Dan with the continued use of the nickname. “You did it! You made it through another day!” 

“Well, I showed up…” Dan sighed. 

“Exactly! I’m proud of you,” Phil said and Dan felt his heart swell at Phil’s sentiment.  

“Thanks,” Dan stammered, hoping Phil didn’t notice him blushing again. Why did his skin have to be so affected by his feelings? He would sure get by a lot easier if his face could just remain its usual colour.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked, his voice soft and warm. “Or we can talk about other stuff if you’d prefer, I don’t mind” Phil said kindly.

Dan stared at Phil, his perfect lips curved into a slight smile, his eyes wide and glistening as he waited on Dan’s answer. Why was Phil being so nice? Dan wondered, then out of nowhere he felt tears form in his eyes. He couldn’t believe what was happening right in front of him… No one had ever asked. No one had ever cared. Yet, here Phil was, his favourite person in the world, sitting here skyping him, even though he barely knew him, and caring more than anyone ever had. Dan felt the tears fall out of his eyes, and hastily lifted a hand to wipe them away.

“Oh no,” Phil gasped. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean…maybe you don’t want to keep talking at all? We don’t have to…I’m sorry I brought it up,” Phil said quickly, panic in his voice, and Dan felt like crying even more. Phil was so kind to him.  He looked so worried about Dan, and suddenly it struck Dan as funny that Phil was worried about saying something wrong when Dan was crying at how wonderful he was.

“No, Phil,” Dan laughed, wiping away more tears with the corner of his bed sheets. “Sorry I just got overwhelmed, you were just being so nice. No one else has every really cared about me…no one’s ever asked me if I wanted to talk or anything, just, thanks for being so nice,”

“Oh Bear!” Phil said. “You don’t have to thank me for being nice! I just,” Phil paused. “I mean, I’m sorry that the rest of the world hasn’t been nice to you. I really am.” Phil said sadly. “You’re a nice person Bear, and you deserve to have people be nice back.” 

“Thanks,” Dan sniffed, and he suddenly felt like crying all over again. “I guess I just sort of realised today that the people I considered my friends aren’t really friends at all,” Dan sighed, avoiding eye contact with Phil.  

“Ah, well, sometimes it can be hard to see what’s wrong with our own situation…we just get so used to it, you know?” Phil said sympathetically.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded. “I guess it took all this for me to realise that they haven’t really been my friends, ever, they’ve never really understood me or even been nice to me, like…”

Dan recounted various things that had happened over the years with his ‘friends’, their lack of understanding of who he was, ongoing annoyance at Dan’s interests and not ever caring when Dan was bullied. Dan found himself at tears at certain points in the conversation, but surprisingly didn’t feel embarrassed crying in front of Phil. Phil would sit there, with his gentle smile and wide blue eyes, as if Dan was telling him the most interesting story he had ever heard. He let Dan talk, or let him fall into silence when he needed to. He nodded to show he was listening and didn’t interrupt Dan, only speaking if Dan asked him for his opinion.

“I mean friends shouldn’t treat each other like that, right?” Dan asked Phil. 

“No, it doesn’t seem like these people are treating you like a friend Bear,” Phil said sadly. “Which is not your fault. I don’t mean to put them down, but they don’t seem like very nice people, to say the least,”

Dan laughed. “Phil you’re welcome to insult them, it’s not like I like them or anything,” Dan said, now wondering why he had put up with them for so long.

“Well, they seem like little rats if you ask me,” Phil said, and Dan let out a huge laugh. “Who really don’t deserve you at all,”

Dan smiled, feeling lighter all of a sudden. Of course, nothing at school at changed, but Dan felt as if weights had been lifted off his chest just by talking about it with Phil. Phil made him feel like it wasn’t his fault. Maybe he wasn’t such a loser after all. 

“But what I am meant to do at lunch now?” Dan asked, “I don’t really want to sit alone.”

“Oh, Bear, you don’t have to! Well it depends how you are feeling! If you are prepared to put up with their, well, bullshit, it might be easier to sit with them.”

“I guess…” Dan said slowly. 

“But you don’t have to! You might be so done with them you want to sit by yourself,”

“Well, judging by how that went last time I’m not sure that’s such a good idea…” Dan said, remembering what happened when he went off on his own at lunch. 

“Hmm, maybe not,” Phil sighed. “Well, I suppose you’ll have to take it day by day. In time maybe you will find there are some nicer people you can sit with.”

“But,” Dan sighed, feeling sad, “right now I just feel like I have no friends.”

“That’s not true,” Phil said, smiling suddenly.

“What, you just said-“ Dan began but Phil cut him off.

“I’m your friend!” Phil smiled.

“Oh!” Dan said and smiled. “Right! Well I guess I’m your friend too!”

They fell into a comfortable silence, smiles on both their faces. Phil was now Dan’s friend…how had this happened? This was what Dan had always wanted. Phil was his friend! 

“Thanks for telling me about it all,” Phil said. “I know it can be really hard to talk about these kind of things, so I think you’re really brave for admitting it all,” 

“Oh, thanks,” Dan muttered, not feeling brave at all.

“Well, it’s 7:30, do you need to eat dinner or anything?” Phil asked.

“Oh, my mum usually just leaves something in the fridge, and I just microwave it when I get hungry,” Dan shrugged. “So, it doesn’t really matter when I eat.” 

“Oh,” Phil said. He looked like he was holding himself back from saying something, although Dan wasn’t sure what. “Do you eat dinner alone every night?” 

“Well, not on weekends, but my parents work pretty long hours during the week…” Dan explained, wondering again why Phil was frowning slightly.  

“Hey we could have dinner together then! I mean, eat while we are still on this call, since I’m just alone in my dorm room…” Phil said, smiling again. “If you want?” 

“Of course!” Dan smiled. “Okay, I’ll go get my food. You can watch this bear while you wait,” Dan said as he moved his teddy bear to where he had been sitting and started to leave the room. Then Dan heard Phil’s laugh come from his computer speakers

“Well I guess if I can’t have my Bear, this one will do,” Phil said. Had Phil just said that or had Dan misheard? If he did say that, had Phil intended for Dan to hear? Either way, he was glad Phil couldn’t see the deep blush that had formed when Phil said the words  _My Bear._

Dan was in such a good mood he practically skipped into the kitchen. He found some pasta in the fridge and started heating it up in the microwave, unable to stop smiling.  Dan couldn’t believe how well the Skype call was going. He and Phil seemed to be getting along so well. Talking to Phil felt so different from talking to other people, it was like Phil actually wanted to talk to Dan. Unlike everyone else who just seemed to find Dan annoying. Dan had always known Phil was nice, from his videos, but somehow he hadn’t expected Phil to be so nice to him…well, he never expected anyone to be nice to him, Dan realised. But Phil, was beyond nice, he was so kind and caring, Dan couldn’t put it into words. Phil was just so, amazing, to put it simply. The microwave beeped and Dan was dragged out of his thoughts from Phil. He took the pasta back to his room and sat back down on his bed to see Phil with a slice of pizza. 

“Leftover pizza?” Dan asked, taking a mouthful of pasta. 

“Yeah, but this is actually a rare meal for me. Usually I cook up something,” Phil said.

“Wow, I’m impressed. I wouldn’t have a clue how to cook anything other than toast,” Dan said and Phil laughed. They fell into an easy conversation of their favourite foods, which they found to be very similar, with the exception of one thing.

“How can you not like cheese?” Dan asked.

“It’s just so gross! I don’t understand why everyone likes it so much,” Phil said.

“But you’re eating cheese off that pizza right now!” Dan exclaimed.

“Yeah but it’s different on pizza,” Phil justified.

“Whatever, Phil. You have some strange tastebuds there,” Dan said, finishing the last of his pasta. 

“Maybe you are the one with the strange tastebuds,” Phil teased. Dan set aside his pasta bowl and yawned.

“Wow, I feel really tired all of a sudden,” Dan said.

“Well we’ve been talking for ages, and you had school all day,” Phil said.

“I suppose,” Dan sighed.

“Plus, you were talking about some hard things Bear,” Phil smiled. “That can be very emotionally draining.”

“I guess,” Dan said. Although it had felt incredible to talk to Phil about school, (and have someone finally make him feel like he wasn’t just a useless piece of trash,) he did feel quite exhausted after it all. Well, he reasoned, he never usually shared any of his inner feelings, let alone cried in front of someone else, so he supposed it made sense he was so tired.  “But I don’t want to stop talking to you, Phil.” 

“We can talk again tomorrow, Bear!” Phil laughed. “I’m sure you’ve got homework to do anyway,” 

“Eh,” Dan shrugged, knowing he wouldn’t do it anyway. “But I realise you might have uni work to do, so I will let you go,”

“Aww, thanks Bear. I do, but you are far more important,” Phil said offhandedly, and needless to say Dan blushed again. “I just think that talking about hard things can be hard you know! So, you should take a rest!”

“Yeah, probably,” Dan agreed. “So, we will talk tomorrow?”

“Of course, same time?” Phil asked.

“Thanks a lot Phil, this honestly means so much,” Dan said, looking down.

“Thankyou for talking to me! I’ve really enjoyed it,” Phil smiled.

“I feel bad, I feel like I didn’t ask you anything…” Dan said, realizing that Phil had had a whole life Dan hadn’t even think to ask him about.

“Well, Bear, I know you already know quite a bit about me. Plus, I think we’ll be skyping a lot from now on, so there will be plenty of time,” Phil said and Dan smiled. He couldn’t wait for more skype calls.

“Okay, well bye for now, ”  Dan said, feeling sad to be hanging up.

“Goodnight Bear! And good luck with school tomorrow!” Phil waved.

“Thanks,” Dan said, waving back to him.

“Bye Bear!” Phil said as he disconnected the call.

The call time finished at 3 hours and 42 minutes. Dan smiled. It had been the best 3 hours and 42 minutes of his life.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking a while to update! This chapter is a bit longer than normal, I really hope you enjoy it! :)

Dan walked to school with a smile on his face, almost unable to believe his Skype call with Phil had been real. He probably would have just thought it was some kind of incredible lucid dream, if he hadn’t woken up to the most wonderful message from Phil.

_Phil_ : I had the best time talking to you last night, Bear! Thanks for telling me about yourself, I feel like we are going to be really good friends ^_^ Good luck for school – I know you are brave enough to get through it! Oh and thanks for letting me call you Bear! ;) It makes me so happy to have a special name to call you! I’ll be counting down the minutes until we can talk this afternoon :D

Dan: I loved talking to you too! I can’t really believe that you are interested in talking to me at all, and I hope I’m right in thinking we got on quite well. I hope we can be good friends, I’d like that. Not sure I am brave, but I don’t really have a choice. And no problem about the Bear thing…I quite like hearing you call me Bear :)

Phil: OF COURSE WE GOT ON WELL BEAR :D Don’t doubt yourself so much! You are an incredible person and don’t let those people at school let you think otherwise. Only 486 minutes until our call! ^_^

Dan could have exploded from happiness at Phil’s messages. He was so kind and thoughtful, and his happy little smiley faces made Dan feel all warm inside. Dan wouldn’t have thought it was possible to like Phil even more, but here he was, liking Phil more with every word he said. Although, it was purely platonic, right? Surely his previous crush on him could be dismissed, now that he had actually talked to him.  His racing heart and inability to think about anything else, were just due to the fact he was excited to have Phil as a friend. That was all.

Dan arrived at the school gates, surprised (but very relieved) that Ryan wasn’t there to greet him. He headed towards his locker, pleased that no one yelled out obscenities at him as he passed through the corridors. However, arriving at his locker was a different story. It seemed that someone (although it wasn’t hard to guess who) had taken the time to stick post it notes labelled with insults on every inch of his locker. Dan sighed as he removed a few (reading  _loser, gay_ and _ugly)_ to get to his padlock, which he unlocked only to be greeted by an avalanche of small notes falling out of his locker to his feet. How had Ryan got them all in there? As if he could be bothered write, what looked like, a thousand notes just to inform Dan that he was a loser.

Dan sighed, looking at the mess at his feet. If any teacher saw him surrounded my all this paper in the corridor, they’d assume he was trying to make a mess and give him detention on the spot. Great. Dan began to pick up all the pieces of paper, unable to avoid reading their insults as he did so. Dan turned around, arms full of notes, ready to put them in the nearest bin, when he realised the bin that usually sat in this corridor had been moved. Dan sighed, of course, Ryan would go to any lengths to make Dan’s life more difficult. The bell rang, and with nowhere else to put them, Dan began frantically stuffing all the notes back into his locker. Then, as if Dan wasn’t annoyed enough, Tony arrived.

“What are all those?” Tony whined, as if he was upset he wasn’t greeted to a locker full of insults too.

“Here, want some?” Dan said angrily, throwing a fistful of them that had fallen back to the ground at him.

“Ouch!” Tony said, reading through some. “Who on earth put all these in here?”

Dan couldn’t determine whether Tony really was that stupid, or whether he was just trying to make Dan angry. Either way, couldn’t Tony have expressed some kind of consolation at what had just happened?

“Who do you think?” Dan scoffed, as he closed his locker.

“How would I know Dan? It’s not my fault someone hates you,”

Dan was about to point out that it kind of was Tony’s fault that Ryan even knew about Phil in the first place, but realised that conversation would go nowhere and decided to just get to class before he was late again.

Somehow, Dan managed to avoid Ryan all morning. He was almost beginning to think he might be able to avoid him all day when he came up behind Dan on the way to his final class.  

“Did you get all my notes, Loser?” Ryan asked, and Dan didn’t respond. “I’ve gotta say, I thought it would be a lot more work making a thousand of those things, but when I asked around, there were so many people who wanted to make sure you knew you were a loser.”   
  
Dan said nothing, hoping the embarrassment wasn’t showing on his face. He must have been doing a good enough job of avoiding Ryan, because he quickly changed tactics.

“You know, I was going to write you some love notes from Phil,” Ryan said. At Phil’s name Dan’s face betrayed him again, turning bright red, just showing Ryan how much his words had affected him.  

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Ryan laughed at Dan’s reaction. “Anyway, I thought that would be a bit harsh seeing as he just broke up with you…” Ryan snickered, and Dan tried not let his increasing nausea overtake him.  _Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him._ “Oh wait, no, it was you that told him to fuck off, wasn’t it?” Ryan snorted. Dan might have started crying at the mention of the incident, had it not been for the fact it had actually led to the best thing that had ever happened: his Skype call with Phil.

“Can’t you just leave me alone?” Dan muttered, feeling uncharacteristically braver at the memory of all Phil’s kind words.

“Why the fuck would I do that?” Ryan asked and Dan wished he could just disappear. At that moment, Dan crossed the doorway into his next classroom, thinking he was free of Ryan, but to Dan’s despair he entered the classroom as well.

“Thing is Howell,” Ryan said, taking a seat as Dan did, despite not actually being a student in the class. “I like seeing you suffer. I guess you could say my favourite thing to watch,” Ryan said, heavily emphasizing the word watch. Dan felt his heart beating faster, fear coursing through his body as he imagined what Ryan might say next.

“Just like your favourite thing to watch is AmazingPil,” Ryan scoffed, and Dan was horrified to realise Ryan remembered Phil’s username. Ryan stood up and began to leave the classroom, and Dan began breathing out sighs of relief, thinking it was over. However, Ryan stopped in the doorway to yell out once last thing.

“So, what’s it like being addicted to porn?” Ryan yelled and everyone in the classroom and adjoining corridor fell silent

“It’s not-“ Dan stammered, unwilling to say the word aloud and feeling incredibly embarrassed at everyone staring at him. Is this what Ryan was telling people?

“You keep telling yourself that, Howell,” Ryan laughed again as he swiftly left the room.

Dan was able to avoid Ryan for the rest of the afternoon, but he was unable to avoid his influence. Although no one directly came up and asked him anything, Dan heard enough to know that pretty much everyone was aware of what was said in the classroom.

As Dan packed his back to leave, more of the stupid notes kept falling out of his locker. He couldn’t be bothered trying to fit them back in, so he stuffed more of them into the front pocket of his bag, and left school in a very bad mood.

Couldn’t Ryan just leave him alone? Dan knew every time he blushed or reacted, Ryan just found it funnier and wanted to bully Dan more, but at the same time ignoring him wasn’t getting him anywhere. Dan wished he could punch him. Well he didn’t really, he knew violence wouldn’t solve anything, but he could do something big enough to just get Ryan to leave him alone. Was Ryan just going to continue treating him like this for the rest of high school?

Dan arrived home and saw his laptop sitting on his bed, and his mood suddenly changed dramatically. He would be talking to Phil soon! Dan rushed to get changed, wanting to start talking to Phil as soon as possible.

_Dan_ : Ready to Skype!

_Phil_ : FINALLY! Calling now :)

Dan’s heart was pounding as he answered the skype call. Phil was wearing a bright blue t-shirt, which made his eyes look even prettier than usual. Objectively, of course, Dan assured himself.

“Hi Bear!” Phil said, his smile lighting up his whole face. Dan felt his heart beating faster, and smiled when he heard the continued use of the nickname.

“Hi!” Dan said, suddenly feeling rather shy as he waved to Phil.

 “You made it through another day of school!” Phil said, giving him a cute little thumbs up.

 “Eugh” Dan groaned remembering the notes and encounter with Ryan, “hardly.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked, tilting his head to the side.

 “Mm, maybe later,” Dan sighed. “Firstly, I want to hear about your day.”

Dan wanted to make sure Phil knew that he cared about his life as well. He felt bad he hadn’t asked Phil anything in their first Skype call, and he wasn’t going to make the same mistake this time.  

“Okay! Sure!” Phil laughed, then began talking about all the university classes he’d taken that day. As Phil talked, Dan found it hard to believe he wasn’t just watching another AmazingPhil video.  Phil was such an engaging story teller, even when talking about something as mundane as classes.  He use all these funny gestures and pulled hilarious faces and it was hard not to get lost just staring at him.

“Bear?” Phil asked suddenly.

“What?” Dan said, realising Phil had asked him something.

“Oh, I was just checking you were still with me, you seemed to space out for a moment there,” Phil laughed.

“Sorry,” Dan blushed. “I guess I’m still not used to being able to talk back when you are telling stories.”

“Aww, that’s okay,” Phil laughed. ““Well, that was pretty much my day, except for this person I ran into…” Phil recalled an incident with a strange person who insisted Phil was a doctor.

“A doctor or The Doctor,” Dan asked, hoping Phil would get his reference.

 “A good question, Bear. I honestly have no idea” Phil laughed.

 “I swear you make up half these people Phil,” Dan joked, wondering if it was possible for someone to have as many strange encounters as Phil did.

 “No I don’t!” Phil insisted. “Just wait until you’re with me sometime,” Phil began saying, but Dan’s ears seemed to have turned off. With Phil sometime? Was Phil just joking or did he actually mean they might meet in person someday? Dan’s heart was beating like crazy a the thought of being in the same place as Phil.

 “Wait,” Dan interrupted whatever Phil was saying. “We might meet, in real life?”

 “I hope so!” Phil smiled. “I mean, maybe not for a while, and only if you wanted to.”

Dan’s heart could have burst with excitement, Phil was actually interested in meeting him? However, this was then followed by the crushing realization that meeting was practically impossible.

 “I’m never going to be able to afford to get to Manchester,” Dan sighed, thinking about how expensive train tickets were and his severe lack of money.

 “One day, Bear!” Phil said. “Besides, you owe me a Buffy date,”

 Date? Dan blushed deeply remembering their first twitter interaction. Was Phil joking? Was it possible he was interested in Dan?

“Oh Bear!” Phil laughed, seeing Dan’s reaction (although Dan knew he was misinterpreting it) “I’m just joking,”  
  
“Right,” Dan said, trying to play it off with a laugh.

 “But we will meet someday. Besides I’m sure I wouldn’t take me too long to save enough for a train ticket to visit you!” Phil said.

“Yeah, I’m sure my parents would be delighted,” Dan scoffed, imagining asking them if a boy from the internet could stay with them. Phil suddenly frowned.

“Can I ask you about your parents, Bear?” he asked softly, and Dan felt his heart melt at the sound of it.

“Uh, if you want,” Dan shrugged. “There’s not much to say really.”

“I just-“ Phil began, doing that cute thing where he tilted his heart to the side again. “You don’t really seem to see them much, does that bother you at all?”

“Um,” Dan said, thinking about it. Sure his parents weren’t really around, but even if he did want them around, it wasn’t like he could do anything about it. “It’s just the way it is, it doesn’t really matter what I think.”

“Do you ever see them during the week?” Phil asked gently.

“Uh, not usually, I don’t know, sometimes I hear them come home but I’m usually in bed…” Dan said, wondering if there was anything wrong with that. He knew other people’s parents were home on week nights, but his just weren’t. “I guess I’ve never really known any different…”  
  
“Okay,” Phil nodded, but Dan could tell he wanted to say more.

 “Phil, I don’t mind talking about it, honestly,” Dan said.

 “Sorry, I just don’t want to be like, interrogating you or anything,” Phil said, avoiding eye contact.

“You’re not!” Dan laughed, feeling rather flattered Phil cared enough to ask about his parents. All his, school associates (as he now referred to them in his head) wouldn’t have even known if Dan had parents at all.

 “Would you ever talk to them,” Phil paused, “about the stuff that happens at school?”

“Oh,” Dan said, thinking about his answer and suddenly feeling his mind flooded with uncomfortable emotions. Tell his parents about Ryan? He couldn’t..how could he even begin to explain it?

 “No I don’t think so,” he shook his head, voice now shaking, as he avoided looking at Phil.

 “Oh Bear! I’m so sorry I brought it up,” Phil said, noticing Dan’s mood change. “I understand, it’s okay.”

Dan looked up at Phil’s kind concerned face and it was enough for Dan to burst into tears.

 “Hey it’s okay,” Phil said softly, and Dan noticed him reaching towards the screen. “I wish I could just reach through this screen and hug you, Bear. I’m so sorry for asking, I shouldn’t have, I just wondered after yesterday…” Phil paused and lowered his head. “I’m such an idiot,”

 “No Phil, you’re not,” Dan said, wiping his tears. “I’m actually really flattered you cared enough to ask about these things. I guess that’s the thing..my parents never really ask, so I just never bring anything up.”

 Phil nodded and gave Dan a small smile.

“I understand,” Phil said. “I don’t want to make this about me, but when I was bullied.” Phil paused and dropped his gaze. “I never told anyone either…it wasn’t that I thought they wouldn’t care…I was just so embarrassed. Like I thought it would change people’s opinion of me if they knew I was bullied. But once I finished school, I told my parents, and they were so great about it, of course they wished I had told them earlier, and I kind of had too…I think it would have helped me. But the point is, they didn’t think badly of me of me at all. I know you’re different to me….but I just, I can probably understand how you feel,”

Dan nodded a tears now dripped down Dan’s face. His throat was choked up. That was exactly how Dan felt. He didn’t want his parents to just think he was some loser of a kid at school who was just bullied all the time.

 “I just don’t want them to think I’m a loser,” Dan said, trying to stop himself from crying.

“Oh, Bear. I know I don’t know your parents…” Phil sighed. “but I don’t think they would. Most people can see that the bullies are the one’s to look down on, not you.”

 “That’s kind Phil..but,” Dan stopped, unsure what he was trying to say.

 “Bear. It took me a long time to realise, so I hope that you learn this before you leave school. Just because bullies telling you are a loser, it doesn’t mean you are.”

 “I just don’t think that’s true in my case,” Dan sighed, remembering every stupid thing he’d ever done at school. “At school I am such a loser…I mean, look at this,” he said, grabbing his school bag and pulling out some of the notes from his locker.

 “Look at these, Phil,” Dan sighed, trying to stop more tears leaking out from his eyes. “There were over a thousand of these in my locker this morning, reminding me that I’m a fucking ugly loser.”

 Dan was able to stop himself from crying again until he looked up and saw Phil’s expression. His eyes went wide in shock and his mouth formed into a quivering frown. Phil himself looked like he was going to cry.

“Bear,” Phil said slowly, his voice shaking “That’s so awful, I can’t believe this..were their really a thousand?

“Yeah…” Dan sighed.

“And were they from,” Phil paused, “Ryan?”

“Him and everyone else it seemed,” Dan sighed, telling Phil what happened in the hallway. Although he didn’t include the part Ryan said about porn, maybe he’d tell Phil one day…but not today.

 “Anyway, then he said he enjoyed watching me suffer.” Dan finished.

“Oh, Bear, let’s pretend I’m giving you a big hug right now,” Phil leaned into the camera and Dan laughed. “Remember that Ryan is just a dickhead, okay? The fact that he acts this way just shows that he is the loser, and not you. His opinions mean nothing and everything he says about you is false, Bear”

 “But it’s not just him…it’s like the whole school, they all helped write those notes Phil, they all call me those names in the halls,”

 “Don’t let yourself believe them, Bear”.

“Well, it’s hard to believe anything else when that’s all your ever told,” Dan scoffed, throwing the notes to the floor. Phil looked sad for a moment then suddenly smiled.

“Oh my god, I have an idea” Phil said, sitting up straight and suddenly looking excited.

“What?” Dan asked.

“I’m so excited,’ Phil said, clasping his hands together.

“What?” Dan said, smiling now just seeing Phil’s excitement, even if he had no idea what it was about.

 “You’ll see, but first of all I need your phone number.” Phil said pulling out a phone

 “Uh ok,” Dan said, pulling out his phone as he recalled his number.

  _HI BEAR ITS PHIL_

Dan laughed and added Phil to his contacts.

 “So what is this about?” Dan asked.

“I told you, you’ll see!” Phil smiled.

“Okay,” Dan said, feeling rather nervous, what was Phil planning? 

“Sorry for crying in front of you so much,” Dan sniffed.

“Oh, don’t be!” Phil said. “Crying isn’t a bad thing, I think that sometimes it’s really important to cry, if you need to. You can spend all our Skype calls crying if you need to!”  
  
Dan smiled. Phil seemed to have something nice to say about everything.

 “Now Bear,” Phil said. “I’m rather hungry…do you want to have dinner again?”

“Yeah!” Dan said.

“Well, that’s a relief. I cooked my dinner this afternoon, hoping you would want to!”

“Of course, hang on, let me just get mine,” Dan said, moving off his bed.

“What about your teddy bear?” Phil asked. “Isn’t he going to entertain me while you’re gone?”

“Oh!” Dan laughed, moving his teddy to the webcam. “Sure,”

Dan returned to find Phil eating some sort of curry.

 “Did you cook that?” Dan asked, moving aside his bear and sitting back down.

 “Sure did,” Phil said. “It’s one of my favourites.”

 “I kind of wish I could cook,” Dan said. Although his Mum always left him meals in the fridge, he sometimes grew rather tired of microwaved food.

 “Hey, well maybe one day I’ll teach you,” Phil said,  and he started talking about all his favourite cooking shows, before he began asking Dan about his favourite things to watch on tv. They talked about tv shows for about an hour, although Dan already knew most of Phil’s favourites. They seemed to like the same kinds of shows. Dan sighed, if only Phil lived closer to him…it would be so nice to have a friend to watch new episodes with.

‘Now Bear,” Phil said after a while. “I realise it’s getting kind of late.. but before we say goodbye, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you but I don’t know how to say it,”

“Uh, sure,” Dan said, feeling rather nervous.

 “I just wanted to tell you that I think you were really brave to tell me what happened with Ryan and the others,” Phil said.

“Oh!” Dan said, surprised, “that’s kind Phil, but it wasn’t really brave…it was more because I was worried about how’d you be feeling,”

“Of course it’s brave! I would have never admitted to anyone I was bullied…and I know we are different, and the situation is, but you typed me such a long message to explain exactly what had happened, like I know you say you were worried about me, but you still could have just lied and said your friends did it…”

“I wasn’t going to lie to you!” Dan said, it had never even crossed Dan’s mind to give another explanation.

“Exactly. Wheras if it was me, I wouldn’t have admitted how badly I was bullied, especially not to someone I watched from afar for so long…”

“Oh,” Dan said, remembering how stupid he had felt writing that message to Phil. Thinking that Phil would never believe him, and that Phil would think he was such a loser. But..Phil had thought it was brave?

 “I know that day was obviously awful, so I just thought it was so brave to tell me, and I wanted you to know that,” Phil smiled.

“Oh, thanks,” Dan said blushing deeply at the compliment.

“Anyway, that’s all!” Phil smiled. “I should let you get to sleep!”

“Thanks,” Dan said, unable to think of anything else to say, still overwhelmed by Phil’s kind words.

“Make sure you check your phone tomorrow,” Phil said.

“Okay,” Dan said, wondering again what Phil was planning.  

“And will we skype again tomorrow?” Phil asked.

 “Yeah, if you want,” Dan said, hoping Phil wasn’t getting tired of talking to him after another long call.

“Of course I want to! Yay! I can’t wait! Well goodnight, Bear” Phil said waving.

“Goodnight!” Dan smiled, and Phil ended the call, leaving Dan feeling nothing short of euphoric. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this fluffy chapter!

That night Dan had so many thoughts swarming around in his mind that he found it impossible to fall asleep. Between the notes from Ryan and his conversation with Phil, Dan’s mind was working in overdrive trying to process everything that had happened.

The notes from Ryan and everyone else weighed heavily on his mind, it felt like all the harsh words were jumping out of his memory and attacking him. Why did everyone at school hate him so much?  _Well_ , he reminded himself,  _because he was a loser_. But how long would they continue? What was Ryan planning for tomorrow?

At least he would be able to talk to Phil again tomorrow. Their skype calls had seemed so perfect, but now conversations from their skype call replayed over and over in Dan’s mind, and Dan began to worry. Analysing everything Phil had said and everything he himself had said. Wondering what would happen in the future. What if Phil hadn’t enjoyed their skype calls? What if he didn’t want to continue talking to Dan? Did he even like Dan?

Dan really hoped that Phil liked him. Phil was so nice, and had a way of making Dan feel so warm inside. For the first time in his life, he actually felt like he mattered. He still felt like a loser, so he wasn’t sure how Phil thought he could change that, but Dan found himself liking Phil more just for trying to help him.

He also couldn’t help but imagine how incredible it would be to meet Phil in real life. Phil seemed to think that they could one day. Dan’s heart raced at the thought of standing next to Phil..of seeing him up close…hugging him..doing more than hugging him..feeling his skin against his own..No! Dan stopped his thoughts. He didn’t like Phil like that. He just liked him as a friend. Phil was nice and they got along, they were friends. He wanted to meet him because they were friends. Friends. There was nothing else to it.

When Dan’s alarm went off the following morning he honestly wasn’t sure if he had slept at all. Dan lay there for a few minutes, contemplating whether he could get away with missing school. He imagined lying under his warm blanket all day until he remembered that Phil had wanted Dan to check his phone throughout the day at school. Although he had no idea what Phil was planning, Dan recalled how excited Phil had been and he didn’t want to mess up his plan. He’d hate to disappoint Phil, so Dan began sleepily eating a bowl of cereal then left the house to begin a slow, sad walk to school. Halfway through his walk to school he decided to check his phone. He wasn’t really used to checking it (after all no one ever messaged him), so he was surprised to find three messages from Phil waiting for him.

 _Phil:_ NICE

 _Phil:_ FRIENDLY

 _Phil:_ FUNNY

Dan read the words again. What? Was this some kind of strange word game? Perhaps it was something Phil was doing in one of his Linguistics classes at university. As Dan contemplated the meaning behind these words another one came through.

 _Phil:_ COOL

Dan couldn’t help but laugh. What was Phil up to? Was he meant to respond?

 _Dan:_ Phil what are all these random words?

 _Phil:_ They are things that describe you! :)

 _Dan:_ Why are they capitalised :\

 _Phil_ : Just pretend they are being yelled at you from across the school halls

 _Dan:_ What? Phil, what is this all about?

 _Phil:_ Since you always have people yelling mean things at you I thought I would yell (well, text) nice things at you ^_^

Dan laughed.  How could he have thought this was something to do with Phil’s uni classes? But..why was Phil doing this? Dan once again felt overwhelmed by how nice Phil was. 

 _Dan:_ That’s very kind of you Phil, but you really don’t have to do that

 _Phil:_ But I want to!

 _Dan:_ How long are you planning on keeping this up?

 _Phil_ : Until you believe that you are not a loser ;)

 _Dan_ : I’m not sure that will ever happen

 _Phil_ : I’m not sure you understand how many words I have

 _Dan_ : Ok…but I’m still afraid this won’t work

 _Phil_ :  Well I’m afraid this will work so well that I’ll have to remove the word loser from the English language

 _Phil:_ Wait, I’m not afraid of that at all..although it would be sort of hard to get everyone to agree not to use it…

 _Dan:_ haha, yeah, I doubt Ryan will ever agree

 _Phil:_ :(

 _Phil:_ BRAVE

Every time Dan returned to his locker, he would find that Phil had text him two or three new words. Even though Dan didn’t feel like any of the words applied to him, he had to admit that they did make him smile, and certainly made a nice change from the insults being yelled at him from every corner of the school. Dan still couldn’t understand why Phil was going to such great efforts for him.  Dan resolved that he’d probably forget after a few days, so he should just enjoy it while it lasted. Besides, there were only so many nice words, Phil was going to run out within in a week.

 To Dan’s great surprise, two weeks alter Phil was still messaging him around 15 times a day. Dan found himself looking forward to getting back to his locker after every class just to see what word Phil had come up with. As he had sent so many, the words  were becoming more and more obscure, and it had reached the point where Dan needed to keep a dictionary in his locker.

 _Phil:_ EFFERVESCENT

 _Dan:_ Hold on while I consult my dictionary

 _Phil:_ Well at least I’m expanding your vocabulary

 _Dan:_ I’m guessing you mean the lively definition?

 _Phil:_ Yeah

 _Dan:_ Couldn’t you have just said that?

 _Phil:_ It’s more fun this way ^_^

 _Dan:_ How is that even a compliment

 _Phil:_ Because you said once that you are boring and this word means you are not!  
  
Although Phil’s words seemed random, every time Dan asked why he had sent one of them he always had a reason. 

 _Phil:_ BLUE

 _Dan:_ what? Coz I’m always sad?

 _Phil:_ Because you looked really nice in that blue shirt last night!  
 _Phil:_ DOG

 _Dan:_ Did you just call me a dog?

 _Phil:_ Yeah! Because dogs make people happy! And you make me happy!

 

 _Phil:_  MUSE

 _Dan:_ ok explain this one

 _Phil:_ Because I like muse and I like you!

If nothing else Phil’s messages (and explanations) always made Dan laugh. Phil’s mind worked in such a unique way, and Dan found himself liking Phil more and more with every message. He actually began to look forward to walking through the school corridors, just so he could see whatever Phil came up with next. He even found that his anticipation of the message acted as a sort of barrier from the insult being yelled at him along the way, 

Although the corridors were more bearable, the Ryan situation was as bad as ever. He still liked to humiliate Dan in front of an audience once or twice a day. Dan still went red every time he mentioned the words boyfriend or Phil. People still laughed at him whenever it happened and the people at his lunch table still didn’t care. He still felt like a loser. He still felt ugly. He still felt stupid. He continued to get notes in his locker and punched on the arm occasionally. School was still a hellzone for Dan, but thanks to Phil, at least a little bit of happiness was able to reach him while he was there.

However, Dan still hadn’t been able to find away to bring up the situation with Phil again. Even though they were skyping every day, Dan found it hard to bring it up, and preferred to stick to the happy topics of conversation. He knew Phil would want to listen but Dan always felt so happy when talking to Phil he didn’t want to bring down the mood by wallowing in sadness over his school life.

He knew he would talk about it with Phil at some point. Phil often asked if Dan wanted to talk about it, but Dan always said not today and moved onto some easy banter and conversations about music and tv shows. 

They skyped every day, usually for three or four hours. They began talking as soon as Dan returned from school and Phil refused to stop talking until they had eaten dinner together. On weekends Phil usually had commitments, and Dan had to eat dinner with his parents, so they usually ended up having three or four separate Skype calls throughout the day. Last Sunday, Dan had even woken up at six just so he could talk to Phil as he ate breakfast before work

Everything felt so easy with Phil, talking to him felt so natural. Unlike everybody else, whenever Dan made a comment or passed an opinion Phil’s response always made him feel validated. Like, what he had to say and the thoughts in his head weren’t useless. Dan was surprised they hadn’t run out of things to talk about yet. In fact, it was really the opposite. Every time they talked about anything it just seemed to generate more conversation. Whenever Dan revealed something new about himself, Phil just kept asking him questions. Likewise, every time he learnt something new about Phil he wanted to learn more. He found himself just wanting to know everything about Phil.

Sometimes, they were on a skype call but they weren’t even talking. They often fell into silence and Phil would begin doing a piece of homework while Dan scrolled through twitter. Although a lot of the time, Dan closed twitter and found himself just staring at Phil. Watching as he frowned in concentration over some complex linguistic problem, as he smiled and said ‘aha’ when he figured out the answer or the way he laughed when he realised that Dan was watching him. Dan always made out like he’d only been watching him for a few seconds, when in reality sometimes an hour had passed. Dan kept ignoring the way his heart raced when Phil said Bear, and the way he blushed every time Phil complimented him. He wouldn’t admit how far his daydreams would travel, or that there was rarely a moment when he wasn’t thinking about Phil.

 However, as much as he liked Phil, Dan was often gripped by anxiety that Phil didn’t like him as much. He feared that Phil might begin to see all the messages and the skype calls as a burden. Dan honestly had no idea how Phil was even able to commit so much time to Dan with work, classes and his Youtube videos. They had spoken for at least three hours since the day they started talking, and somehow Phil always made sure Dan had a message or two waiting for when he returned to his locker.

Dan was worried he was taking too much of Phil’s time. Although Dan’s only commitment was school, Phil had classes, social events, work and not to mention his YouTube videos. Were all their calls taking away time from Phil’s other friends? What if Phil’s grades started dropping because of Dan? Once or twice Dan had begun to express these concerns to Phil, yet Phil just dismissed him every time telling Dan he didn’t need to worry about him.

One Thursday evening, when they had both just finished eating dinner, Dan decided to bring it up again.

“Phil,” Dan said.

“Yeah, Bear?” Phil said, looking back to the Skype screen. “Hey that rhymed,” Phil laughed.

“I’m worried I take up too much of your time,” Dan muttered.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked, tilting his head to the side in the way that made Dan’s heart flutter.

“Well, you send me like 15 or 20 text messages a day,” 

“It takes me about three seconds to type out a word Bear, that’s like a grand total of a minute,” Phil laughed.

“But,” Dan said. “We skype for like three hours a day,” 

“Yeah,” Phil said.

“It’s just a lot of time you spend with me when I know you-“

“Dan,” Phil interrupted. Dan was so used to Phil calling him Bear that it made him rather worried when Phil actually called him Dan. “You keep to seem forgetting that  _I like you,”_ Phil said slowly. 

Dan knew Phil meant it in a purely platonic way but Dan’s heart starting racing and by now he wasn’t remotely surprised to feel heat spreading through his face.

“Dan I want to Skype you!” Phil continued. “It makes me happy to send you all those messages and I like talking for three hours a day! In fact I wish we could talk more,” Phil said exasperated, but smiling. Dan gave him a small smile back

“But I just worry about all your other commitments and stuff,” Dan muttered, still unconvinced that talking to Dan was best for Phil.

“Oh, Bear, you’re so sweet,” Phil laughed. “But you don’t have to worry, I’ve got everything under control!”

“Yeah, but like, you haven’t been uploading as much lately,” Dan pointed out.

“Haven’t I?” Phil asked, sounding genuinely surprised. 

“Well usually you upload twice a week, you haven’t even uploaded this week at all!” 

“Oh, I guess I keep forgetting,” Phil said frowning.

“See I feel like I’m just a big distraction” Dan sighed.

“And I feel like you’re just the best distraction” Phil said and Dan blushed again. 

“Bear! Don’t stress, I’ve got my videos under control, okay! I doubt any one else has even noticed,” Phil said. “Oh, wait,” Phil frowned. 

“What?” Dan asked.  

“I just checked twitter…”

“Is everyone asking why you aren’t uploading as much?” Dan asked.  
“Well, actually the more common question is if I’ve started dating someone,” Phil laughed and Dan turned red for the third time in about five minutes. He thanked the poor quality of his webcam and prayed Phil hadn’t noticed.  

“Well, I should probably make a video tomorrow then!” Phil said looking back at Dan. “I always forget how much people care about my videos.”

“Must be pretty cool, having so many people watch your videos,” Dan said, imagining what it must be like. 

“It’s quite unbelievable really, like the numbers don’t feel real! Even when I hit a hundred subscribers I couldn’t believe it, I was like wow, imagine if they all came over to my house!” Phil said and Dan laughed. “Have you ever thought about starting a youtube channel, Bear?”

“Oh!” Dan said. Thought about it? He’d spent hours at a time daydreaming about the kind of videos he wished he could make. He smiled at the thought of uploading things he’d made, and having people enjoy what he had created. However, the crushing reality always snapped him out of his daydreams “Yeah, but then I realise that no one has ever liked me, so why on earth would anyone want to watch my videos?”

“I’d watch them!” Phil said. “And Bear…just because you’ve had bad experiences with people so far, doesn’t mean the rest of the world is going to be like that! I promise there are loads of people out there who would love you,”

“I doubt it…” Dan scoffed. Although Phil was constantly saying nice things about him and his happiness had improved dramatically, Dan still couldn’t see himself as amounting to anything in life. 

“I wish you could see the way I see you.” Phil sighed, tilting his head to the side. His blue eyes were glistening and he had that small half smile on his face. “I know you can’t see it yet, but.. Bear..you are really, really special,” Phil said softly and Dan felt as if something huge had just changed. He wasn’t sure if it was the way Phil was looking at him or the gentle tones in his voice. It didn’t matter that they were hundreds of kilometres away and speaking through bad quality webcams. Dan had never felt so connected to anyone before.

They were still staring into each other’s eyes when suddenly a yearning settled in Dan’s chest. He wanted to reach out to Phil, to hold his hand, to touch his hair, to kiss those soft lips. Dan’s eyes flicked back to Phil’s eyes and he blushed deeply, realizing Phil had probably been watching his eye movement. However, it sort of looked like he had been blushing as well..had Phil felt it too?

“Anyway Bear,” Phil murmured. “It’s kind of late, you should probably go to bed and all,”

“Er, yeah,” Dan said, his heart still pounding from Phil’s comment and his mind still travelling to more places he wouldn’t dare admit.  

“So will we talk again tomorrow?” Phil asked.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, still unable to form proper words after the moment they had. Well, the moment Dan had, he didn’t know for certain whether Phil felt it too.

“I can’t wait!” Phil said, and Dan realised he was about to end the call. 

“Wait Phil,” Dan said. “I just-“ he stammered, “I wanted to say…that I think you’re really special too, Phil,”

Phil let out a small noise and this time there was no doubting that he was blushing. Dan found himself imagining holding those soft beautiful cheeks in his hands…

“Thanks,” Phil said quietly, and looked back into Dan’s eyes. How were Phil’s eyes so blue? Dan wished he could get closer, and found himself leaning into the webcam. What was he doing? 

“Well goodnight!” Dan said quickly, not wanting to say or do anything he’d regret.  

“Night Bear,” Phil smiled and then disconnected the call.

Dan couldn’t deny it any longer. He liked Phil, and as more than a friend.  In fact, he was pretty sure he was falling in love with Phil.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've nearly finished the next chapter, so it will be up soon! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don’t mind that this chapter is quite a bit longer than normal! It just felt right to have all these parts together :) Hope you enjoy!

As the weeks passed by Dan found himself falling more and more in love with Phil. With every conversation, every smile, every look, Phil became even more beautiful to Dan. His kind words, his adorable messages, the way he could make Dan laugh no matter what…everything he did just made Dan’s heart race. Every skype call Dan wished he could dive through the screen and touch him. He wanted to feel him in his arms and be able to kiss every part of his perfect body. He wanted to be able to see him and hear him in real life, not through a bad quality webcam. He wanted to be able to hold hands as they watched their favourite shows together, and eat the same meals at the same table. He want to sit next to Phil while he did his homework instead of staring at him through his laptop. He imagined Phil comforting him with soft touches and whispering his kind words into his ears. He imagined them saying goodnight with their noses touching, and waking up together in the morning. He imagined being able to see and touch and talk to Phil every moment of every day. But then reality would strike and Dan would remember that none of his fantasies could ever happen…because Phil would never feel the same way.

Dan was terrified at the prospect of Phil finding out he liked him. Regardless of sexual orientation, Dan feared Phil would be so creeped out to find out his best friend had fallen in love with him, that he wouldn’t even want to be friends with Dan any more. He’d stop sending Dan messages and stop their skype calls. He would try to make Dan fall out of love with him by reducing the time together. Phil meant everything to Dan. He was the only light in his otherwise dark world. He couldn’t imagine what his life would be like without Phil. He couldn’t risk it. Phil could never learn the truth.

This fear was causing Dan greater anxiety than ever. He was never worried while he was will Phil, however once they finished their skype calls, Dan spent hours worrying whether he had said something wrong. Then his worries would extend further. What would happen if they actually ever met? How could Dan see him in real life and resist the urge to hold him in his arms and never let go? How could he stare into his eyes without accidentally leaning in and kissing him? Dan tried to put these worries aside…they might not ever meet after all. Although, the idea he might not ever get to see Phil’s beauty with his own eyes brought him incredible sadness.

Things with Ryan became even harder. These days, simply seeing Ryan caused him to start shaking in fear. Not only was Dan worried about what Ryan might do to him next, but the boyfriend and Phil taunting seemed so much worse now. Every time he said it, it was as if yelling those words through the corridors would reach Phil, and Dan might lose Phil. Of course, Dan had already told Phil how Ryan called Phil his boyfriend in their original messages, which only filled Dan with greater anxiety, what if Phil realised all those taunts were founded on truth?

Despite all this, Dan was finding it easier to get through his classes at school. In the past, every time he caught himself thinking about Phil he would try to not think about him, but now he allowed himself to get lost in daydreams of Phil, which probably wasn’t very productive, but it certainly made classes pass incredibly quickly. Occasionally, Dan would get lost in a daydream where Phil actually liked him back…where he told Dan all their skype calls and messages were because he loved Dan back…but then Dan would be heartbroken realising that could never happen. They talked a lot because they were friends. He tried to help Dan because they were friends. He continued to send messages because _they were friends._

Dan still returned to his locker after every class to find a message or two from Phil. Phil had long since run out of words with actual complimentary meanings, so usually tried to connect some random word to some kind of compliment. Dan still didn’t believe any of his compliments, but seeing what drawn out connection Phil could make always made Dan laugh. Dan had taken to writing down all of Phil’s meanings in the margins of his dictionary, and the book was now filled with circled words and alternative meanings. Sometimes, when Dan couldn’t sleep he’d flick through the dictionary and read all his entries again. Of course, he read over all their messages too, but there were so many it took hours to get through.

_Phil:_  Square

_Dan:_  how is this a compliment? Isn’t square usually used as an insult to mean boring

_Phil:_  Errr…well in this case it means exciting

_Dan_ : ?

_Phil:_ Because my I am always excited to talk to you on skype and skype is on laptops and laptops are square shaped ^_^

_Dan:_  I think that is your worst connection yet, besides, laptops are shaped like rectangles

_Phil:_  Oh yeah…well rectangles are a type of square

_Dan:_  No, they’re not  

_Phil:_ I’m pretty sure I learnt that in maths class

_Dan:_ No Phil squares are a type of rectangle :\

_Phil:_  Isn’t that the same thing?

_Dan:_  No!  

_Phil:_  See you can even make a conversation about squares exciting!

 

_Phil_ : Dolphin

_Dan_ : ?  
_Phil:_  Dolphins are intelligent and so are you!

_Dan:_  explains my low test scores

_Phil:_ it does! Dolphins intelligence couldn’t be measured by school results and neither can yours! 

_Dan_ : oh, haha *sarcasm*

 

One Thursday morning Phil text Dan another one of his complicated words.

 

Phil: Loskycala

Dan: Are you sure that’s a word, I can’t find it in my dictionary

Phil: That’s because I made it up!

Dan: :| …well what does it mean?

Phil: It means that I’m looking forward to our skype call later ^_^

Dan: Me too

After texting back Phil, Dan slipped his phone back into his locker and locked it before realizing he still had his dictionary with him. He was about to put it away when he heard a voice that made his chest constrict with panic.

“Looking up some words, nerd?” Ryan laughed and Dan tried to stop his hands from shaking.  “Trying to figure out what loser means? I’ll save you the trouble. It means you suck.”

Dan heard a few laughs and winced as he braced himself for whatever Ryan would say next. He could feel his hands shaking more and more…so much that he dropped his dictionary on the floor, which Ryan snatched up within a second.

“Give it back,” Dan said, his voice shaking too. He felt sick to see Ryan holding the dictionary which contained all of Phil’s words for Dan.  

 “You don’t need that,” Ryan scoffed, throwing the dictionary to one of his friends. “I can tell you that ugly means you look awful all the time, that idiot means you’re stupid and that gay means you want to fuck that Phil kid,”

Dan felt familiar waves of nausea and tried to resist the urge to throw up. He was mortified by Ryan’s words, and horrified that his dictionary was still in the clutches of Ryan’s friends. What if they opened it and began reading it? What if they took it and Dan could never get it back?

Dan leaped forward and tried to grab his dictionary, however at the same time someone had stuck their foot in front of Dan’s and Dan went tumbling to the ground. His shoulder hit the ground with an alarming amount of pain and then his head smacked against the ground as well.

For a few moments Dan could hear laughter, but then all of a sudden it stopped, which was strange since Dan hadn’t heard the school bell. With great pain, he looked up to see his geography teacher standing over him.

“Come on, we’ll need to get you to the nurse’s office,” he said in a gruff voice. He looked down at Dan expectantly as Dan struggled to stand up again without putting any pressure on his shoulder.  

“They say you fell over your own feet?” his teacher, walking with Dan to the Nurse’s office.

“Uh,” Dan said, still unable to process exactly what had happened, but suddenly feeling grateful his teacher had walked through the corridor before things had gotten any worse.

 His teacher left him at the nurse’s office, where the nurse started asking Dan a flurry of questions about how he fell and where the pain was. She sat him down and began inspecting his shoulder and head, muttering as she did so. She got him to rate his pain and asked him to move his shoulder around, then also checked his blood pressure. Dan was beginning to worry. Surely a stupid fall like that couldn’t do any serious damage?

“Is it serious?” Dan asked after the silence became too stressful.

“No, you would be in a lot more pain if it was serious,” she said, and Dan breathed a sigh of relief.

 “Your head isn’t bleeding, and you don’t present any symptoms of a concussion, however if at any point you lose feeling in your limbs, if you throw up or lose consciousness you’ll need to be taken to the emergency room,” she said sternly. 

“To hospital?” Dan said, his voice breaking.

 “It’s unlikely,” she said, “although it’s best if you have someone with you tonight just in case. Can I call one of your parents to pick you up?” She asked.

 “No!” Dan said suddenly. He knew his parents hated to be interrupted at work, and he really didn’t want them to think he’d been stupid enough to trip himself over. “I’ll call them,” Dan lied.

 “Good, now keep this ice on until they get here,” she instructed. Dan pretended to call them, and waited an appropriate amount of time before telling her they were waiting in the school corridor for him. Fortunately, she didn’t follow him to check that they were, so Dan darted to his locker before she could catch him out on his lies.

 As he walked up to his locker, he was surprised to see his dictionary lying on the floor. He picked it up and noticed, with a feeling of horror, that Ryan had not left it untouched. Dan didn’t have to do stop on individual pages to see that Ryan had made his own marks in there.  

Dan felt a tear roll down his face…his dictionary…Ryan had ruined it…all his words from Phil…Ryan had ruined them too. With incredible sadness, not to mention a slicing pain in his shoulder and a throbbing forehead, Dan left the school alone and began walking home.

 About two minutes into his walk it suddenly occurred to Dan how completely alone he was, and how incredibly stupid he was to be walking home by himself when the nurse had told him to have someone watching over him in case he fainted. What if he fainted on the way home from school? Who knows how long it would be until someone found him…what if his head injury was actually serious?  

Dan started panicking. He was beginning to feel light headed. He wasn’t sure whether it was from the panicking or the injury, but either way he didn’t want to feint. What was he meant to do? He was freaking out, imagining what would happen if he fainted on his walk home, and no one knew where he was or what had happened. He should have called his parents. But he couldn’t call them now he’d left school... Dan felt his breathing quicken as he tried to decide what to do. Should he go back to school? But what if someone saw him…

He needed help.

Dan pulled his phone out and brought up Phil’s number. Phil always said he could call if he needed Phil for anything…and Dan really needed Phil right now. Dan dialled the number, hoping Phil wouldn’t be too alarmed that Dan was calling in the middle of the school day.

 “Are you okay, Bear?” Phil said quickly, not hiding the panic in his voice.

 “Uh,” Dan said, unsure how to tell Phil what happened.

“Oh my god, what happened?” Phil asked.  

“I tripped over,” Dan wailed. “Well, I think one of Ryan’s friend’s tripped me over and hit my shoulder and my head and the nurse said not to be alone in case I faint, but I lied and said my parents were picking me up but I am alone and I’m scared I’m going to faint,” Dan said all of this very quickly, unable to keep the distress out of his voice. 

“Where are you?” Phil asked quickly.

 “Walking home from school,” Dan admitted.

 “Bear!” Phil exclaimed. “The nurse said to call an ambulance if you fall unconscious?”

“Yes,” Dan cried. “I know I’m so stupid. What if I faint?”  
  
“Do you feel like you are going to faint?” Phil asked.

“Well I’m feeling rather light-headed and kind of dizzy,’ Dan said quickly.

 “Okay, well first of all sit down,” Phil said, and Dan sat down on the pavement. “How about we breathe together?” 

“What?”   
  
“Just, trust me, it’s important to get your breathing back to normal,”   
  
“Okay,” Dan said, realising how shallow his breathing had become.

 “Breath in, and out,” Phil said and Dan followed with Phil’s pacing. “Breath in, and out,” 

After a few minutes following Phil voice, Dan was beginning to feel less light-headed, and simply calmer all around. How had Phil known exactly what to do? Dan’s dizziness had disappeared, and although his head still hurt from the fall, he didn’t think he was going to faint.

 “I think I feel better now,” Dan told Phil.

 “That’s great,” Phil said. “So, do you still feel light headed?”

“I don’t think so,” Dan said, standing up. “I’m going to keep walking I think,”

 “Okay… what street are you on?”

“Uh, why?”   
  
“Just in case case I have to call an ambulance for you,” Phil said.

“What?” Dan exclaimed.   
  
“I don’t want to make you panic again, Bear,” Phil sighed. “But you told me the nurse said to call an ambulance if you fainted, so the second you don’t respond I am going to, but I need to know where you are,”   
  
“Oh,” Dan said, really hoping it wouldn’t come to that.   
  
“It’s just in case, Bear,” Phil said gently.  
  
“Okay,” Dan gave him the names of all the streets surrounding his house as well as his home address.

“I’m really sorry, Phil. I should have called my parents to deal with this,” Dan said, suddenly feeling awful. He’d just put so much responsibility on Phil, when Phil was hundreds of kilometres away. No doubt Phil was also stressed, and probably working hard to not show it in case he upset Dan.

 “It’s okay, Bear!” Phil said. “I’m really glad you called me.”

 “Well, the other thing is, the nurse said I kind of need someone with me the whole night,” Dan admitted.

“So, I’m on doctor’s duty?” Phil laughed.

“Well, I mean we skype every night anyway…you just have to make sure I don’t faint.”

“Ok, ok. Hopefully, the fact you don’t feel faint, means you won’t feint, right? Are you still there?”

“Yes, Phil,” Dan laughed.

“So what else did the nurse say?” Phil asked.

 Dan explained what had happened in the nurses office, and what she had said about his injuries.

“My head doesn’t really hurt to bad now, my shoulder’s sore, but it will heal eventually,’ 

“Hopefully soon,” Phil said. “Are you still there?”  
  
“No,” Dan joked.

“Bear! Don’t mess with me! Every time I can’t hear you I’m scared you’ve fainted!” 

“I’m fine. Honestly. Besides I’m nearly home,” Dan said as he turned into his street.

 “Okay, good.” Phil said. “You’re lucky you live so close to your school,”

  
“I guess,’ Dan sighed. “Yeah, can you imagine if I had to catch the bus with Ryan! I’d get this injured everyday,” Dan laughed.

 “That’s not funny Bear,” Phil sighed.

 “Well it’s true,” Dan said, as he walked into his driveway and unlocked his house door.

 “I’m home,” he told Phil as he dropped his bag and locked the door behind himself.

“Thank goodness,” Phil breathed a loud sigh of relief.

“Well, at least the paramedics will know where to find me,”

“Dan!” Phil said, and Dan found himself shocked by Phil using his actual name.

“Woah! I was joking Phil,”

“Please don’t joke, Bear,” Phil said, and suddenly Dan realised how scared Phil must be, having Dan call him in the middle of the day and tell him he might need to call an ambulance if he fainted. Not knowing if Dan had fainted or if he’d just been silence for a moment.

“Sorry,” Dan said. “I’m fine, I promise, you don’t need to worry about me, I just panicked. My head isn’t even sore now, I think it was just an initial shock.”

 “I’m glad Bear.” Phil said. “Now, didn’t the nurse say you should put ice on your shoulder?”

“Yeah, I’m getting some peas now,” Dan said, walking towards the freezer.

“Peas?” Phil asked.

“Well we don’t own any of those ice pack things so some frozen stuff will have to do,” Dan grabbed a bag of peas from the freezer and headed into the bedroom. He grabbed his pillows and adjusted them until his shoulder was as comfortable as he could make it, then he added the frozen peas on top.

“Okay, hang on, I just have to put the phone down to open up my laptop” Dan said, trying to avoid moving the arm connected to his injured shoulder. He opened his laptop and called Phil on Skype.

“Oh, Bear,” Phil sighed. Dan would have thought he would be used to Phil by now, but his heart still raced at the sight of him.

“Hey,” Dan said, unable to stop himself smiling just looking at Phil.

“So, you don’t feel feint or sick or anything?” Phil asked, tilting his head to the side.

 “No just in pain,” Dan grimaced.

 “Well that’s good, well not good but I don’t think we’ll need an ambulance,” Phil said.

 “Yeah, I think I’ll be okay,” Dan said, feeling relieved.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Phil asked, in a voice so soft Dan thought his heart and lungs and entire body might melt. “Only if you want to,” he added, probably mistaking Dan’s swooning for hesitation. Dan explained how Ryan saw him holding his dictionary, and what happened after.

“I think Ryan did something to my dictionary,” Dan sighed, pulling out the book from his bag.  Sure enough, when Dan opened the book all the happy words he’d highlighted form Phil were either crossed out, or their page was half ripped out. In addition, Ryan had also circled a bunch of his favourite insults or written his own in the blank areas. Dan felt his lip quivering as he tried not to cry.

“It’s okay,” Phil said, “You can get another one.”   
  
“No Phil, I can’t” he said angrily.

“Why not?” Phil asked, and then Dan realised he had never told Phil about adding in the things Phil said.  
  
“Oh…well I,” Dan blushed, not wanting admit just how much he enjoyed circling all Phil’s words, and drawing in happy faces around his favourites. “I circled all the words you were sending me…or wrote in what you said…and now Ryan’s destroyed it,” Dan held back tears. It was just a stupid book, what did it matter if Ryan had ruined it? But, somehow it felt like Ryan had ripped all Phil’s nice words away from him. As if this book represented how much Phil had helped him, and Ryan had just destroyed it all without a second thought.

“Bear…” Phil said. “This doesn’t change everything I sent you..”

How did Phil always know what Dan was thinking?   
  
“But now it’s ruined…”  
  
“You could make another one,” Phil said gently.

“It’s not the same, it was special because I looked them up in that dictionary, and I wrote them in after every message…I can’t make that again,” Dan said, throwing the dictionary to the floor and bursting into tears. “Why can’t they just leave me alone?

Suddenly Dan knew that now was the moment to tell Phil everything Ryan had done. Phil had always skirted around the topic, not wanting to upset Dan. He knew the basics, but there was so much he didn’t know. Dan couldn’t stop himself. All the stories of all the things Ryan had done tumbled out of his mouth. Every single name. Every single punch. Every single time Ryan had gone that little bit further to bring Dan down. Every single tear Dan had bottled up for years, not able to tell anyone how much he was hurting. The only thing he left out was the fact that Ryan was right about how he liked Phil. But everything else, he shared. All the stories Dan wished he could forget. All the things he hadn’t told his parents, when he knew he should have. All the reasons why Dan had learnt to hate himself.

Phil was the perfect audience. He told Dan how brave he was and how strong he was to get through it. That how the people at school treated him didn’t define who he was or who he could be. How it was going to be okay, and one day he would get out of there and never have to see them again. He cried with Dan at the hardest moments. At times, simply the way Phil was looking at him made Dan cry harder, realizing how incredible Phil was and how shit everything was in comparison. How hard it had been before they started talking.  Remembering, just how lonely Dan had been for so many years.

“I wish I wasn’t so lame,” Dan sniffed, after finished all the stories. “Then Ryan and the others would leave me alone.”

“Bear,” Phil said, in his beautiful soft voice. “You aren’t the problem, they bully you because they have all their own problems and they just take them out on you.”

“Yeah, but why me?” Dan said, readjusting the peas and moving his pillow to make his sore shoulder more comfortable. “There are like 2000 boys at my school, Phil, they could take out their issues on anyone, so why me?”   
  
“It’s-“ Phil paused. “I don’t know why they pick on you in particular.”  
  
“Because I’m a lame stupid loser,” Dan said. It didn’t matter how many words Phil sent him. Ryan would always be there to take them all away from him.  
  
“No Bear! It’s not that at all, more likely it’s the opposite,” Phil murmured.  
  
“What do you mean?” Dan said, wondering where Phil was going with this.   
  
“I don’t know, Bear…” Phil sighed, fixing his fringe and giving Dan chills. “I can only guess.”  
  
“Well tell me your guesses then,” Dan said.   
  
“Well, Bear, the thing is you’re just so,” Phil began “I don’t know how to phrase this any other way..but…well you’re just beautiful Bear,” Phil murmured, and despite the ice still on his head and shoulder Dan felt incredible warmth spread through his entire body. “Outside, and even more on the inside.” 

Dan couldn’t speak. Phil really thought he was beautiful? How could he ever respond to that? However, Phil kept talking.

“When people are insecure about themselves, like Ryan..they often look at people that make them feel more insecure and try to make them feel bad, so they can feel better about themselves…and with everything you’ve told me about Ryan…I mean I’m not him so I don’t know…but I’m guessing…I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me if he…” Phil paused, his speech was so fragmented Dan was beginning to feel nervous about what he was about to say.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Bear, but the thing is he has gone to so much effort…like so much,” Phil paused. “Like, he seems more intense than an average bully…while that is indicative of the horrible person he is…it seems his main insult is calling you gay, or telling everyone that you have a boyfriend…maybe he’s using you to try hide that,” Phil paused. “I don’t like assigning labels, and I’m not trying to…I just wonder if maybe he might be attracted to boys,”

“What?” Dan said, suddenly realizing what Phil was saying, “He couldn’t be! He’s like the most homophobic person,”

“Well, sometimes people deal with their feelings in strange ways…he might not be, maybe he is just a dickhead…but often that kind of resentment comes from somewhere” Phil shrugged.

“I don’t know Phil,” Dan sighed.

“I don’t know either, Bear. But you asked why they pick on you…and I know that’s not a concrete answer, and might not be accurate, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was part of it.”

Could that be true? It would explain a lot…but at the same time they had no evidence that was the case. Not that he needed any…it didn’t change the way Ryan was acting.

“It still doesn’t change anything,” Dan said, once again readjusting his frozen peas and trying to get his throbbing shoulder more comfortable. 

“No, it doesn’t Bear, which is why it probably isn’t always helpful to think about these things, because we can’t know. But what we can know is that it isn’t your fault. That you are not a loser or lame or anything they want you to believe. They bully you to make themselves feel better, in their horrible twisted ways.”

Dan sat there in silence taking in Phil’s words. The genuine, incredible words coming out of the most beautiful person.

“I know that me saying that probably doesn’t make it easier to deal with day to day…but I guess I wish someone could have told me when I was bullied, so it’s important to me that you know that it isn’t you and it isn’t your fault and you shouldn’t hate yourself because of them.”   
  
Dan wiped a tear away at Phil’s words. Dan wondered if Phil was always this kind, or if his own horrible experiences had given him greater empathy. Perhaps..Dan could get through this...perhaps he would be ok. Phil was bullied too, and now he was the most amazing person. Dan wasn’t sure of the details of Phil’s struggles, and he never wanted to upset Phil by asking. He hoped Phil knew he cared.  

“Hey Phil,” Dan asked. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything, Bear,” Phil smiled.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Dan said, worried that Phil might be angry at Dan for asking.

“I’m sure I’ll want to,” Phil said.

“What happened when you were bullied?” Dan asked.

“Oh,” Phil said, dropping his eyes.

“I shouldn’t have asked-“ Dan said quickly. Phil probably wished he could just forget everything that happened to him and here Dan was making it fresh in his mind all over again.

“I don’t mind, Bear. I’d like to tell you the story someday…but it’s a long story and it’s getting kind of late..,”

Dan nodded even though it really wasn’t that late. He knew this wasn’t Phil refusing to talk, he just wasn’t ready to talk now.

“Okay,” Dan said.

“I’m not trying to avoid your question, Bear,” Phil began to say, and Dan’s heart broke at the frown on his face and the sad look in his eyes.   
  
“I know!”   
  
“It’s just complicated…” he said. “I don’t want to be so closed off, especially when you’ve just gone and been so open tonight, I don’t want you thinking I don’t want to talk to you because I do…I just can’t right now...I just can’t find the words to tell you”

“Phil, It’s okay,” Dan said, wishing he could reach out and comfort Phil. “I know you find it hard to talk about…that’s why I said you didn’t have to answer. You don’t ever have to tell me…I just want you to know, that I don’t want to ignore what happened, I care about you so much, so if you want to talk you can… but like, I know it must be so hard when it’s all the past…when you are ready we can talk, like if you want, but I don’t mind, honest,”

 “Bear, you are so lovely,” Phil said and Dan blushed deeply. Usually when Dan blushed, Phil didn’t seem to notice, but this time Dan could tell his eyes were flicking over his face. He then looked back in Dan’s eyes and blushed himself, then he quickly looked away. There was a silence for a moment before Phil spoke again.

“I should let you get some sleep. Is your head still okay?” Phil asked.

“Honestly, it’s fine,” Dan said.

  
“Shoulder?” Phil asked.

  
“It hurts but it’ll heal,” Dan sighed.

  
“I hope it does soon,” Phil smiled.

  
“Me too,” Dan said.

  
“Well goodnight Bear,” Phil said, doing Dan’s favourite thing where he tilted his head to the side. How was he so cute?

  
“Night Phil,” Dan smiled.

  
“I” Phil paused and blushed. “Night,” he said and ended the call.

 I? What was Phil going to say. I love you? Dan blushed at the thought, then reminded himself that Phil would never say that. He was probably going to say I hope you feel better or something like that. But what about Phil’s blushing face? His aversion to eye contact and calling Dan beautiful?  Dan wasn’t sure if he was reading too much into the situation…but Phil seemed to be acting a lot like Dan felt…was it possible that Phil was in love with Dan too?


	10. Chapter 10

Dan spent the whole night wondering whether it was possible for Phil to like him back. Replaying every conversation in his mind, recalling every time Phil complimented him, wondering if Phil’s blushes meant the same thing Dan’s did.

Dan was confused. He’d never had a real friend before, so he couldn’t tell whether Phil was acting like a normal friend, or if there was something more. Dan’s heart would race with every compliment, every time their eyes met, every time Phil laughed at Dan’s jokes, did Phil’s heart race the same way? Or was he just being a good friend?

What would happen if he told Phil he liked him? What would happen if he asked if Phil liked him back? But Dan couldn’t deal with the heartbreak if Phil said he didn’t like him back. As well as this, if he did bring it up and Phil didn’t like Dan, it was going to make things incredibly awkward. They could never achieve the same level of easy banter if Phil knew that Dan liked him. Phil would probably ease up on the messages and shorten their skype calls to stop Dan falling more in love with him. No, it was too risky. He couldn’t lose what they already had.

Between his conflicting thoughts and his aching shoulder, Dan was prepared for a sleepless night, however the abrupt sound of his alarm beeping indicated that he must have fallen asleep at some point, even if he still felt exhausted. Dan suddenly became aware of intense pain in his shoulder. With difficulty, Dan pulled off his pyjama shirt, and looked down to find a large blue bruise spread across the front of his shoulder where he had fallen. Dan sighed, grabbing his school shirt and buttoning it up, at least grateful that no one would be able to see it.

Dan was reaching for his straightener when the house phone rang. It only ever rang for his parents, so Dan ignored it, and picked up his straighenter. He was wondering how he was meant to fix his hair with only one good arm, when he realised that the phone call might have been the school nurse. Dan unplugged his straightener and ran for the phone, praying the nurse wouldn’t try to call his parents’ mobiles. He checked their message bank and the nurse had indeed left a message, so Dan quickly dialled back.

“Good morning this is Nurse Julie speaking, how may I help you?” Dan heard the nurse’s voice.

“Oh hi,” Dan said. “Um, it’s Dan Howell, you called my house earlier?”

“Yes, I was wondering if I could speak to one of your parents,” she asked.

“Oh, well they’ve already left for work,” Dan said, they added. “They asked me to pass on any messages,” Dan lied, hoping that she wouldn’t call them.

“I was just checking in on your injuries, Dan,” she said. Why did she need to talk to his parents then?  
  
“Um, they’re fine. I mean, my head is. My shoulders sore, but yeah,” Dan said. She then asked him a range of other questions, before concluding there was no chance of concussion, which Dan was relieved to hear.   
  
“Keep icing your shoulder today, and you’ll be expected back at school on Monday.”

“Wait, I don’t have school today?” Dan asked.

“No, it’s expected you would give your shoulder a few days to heal,” she said. “So, back on Monday.”

“Okay, bye,” Dan said, before she could ask anything else about his parents.

No school until Monday! Dan could barely contain his excitement and went straight to his phone to text Phil.

Dan: PHIIILLL. The nurse called and I have the day off school coz of my shoulder! Wooh! I don’t have to deal with Ryan for 3 whole days!

Phil: BEAR! WOW! I’m so happy for you! And this is so crazy but my class just got cancelled, so we could Skype! ^_^

Dan: Wait like right now?  
  
Phil: Well I only have an hour, but if you want to?

Dan: YES

The day off school and now he could talk to Phil for an hour? Dan couldn’t keep the smile of his face as he answered Phil’s skype call.

“Morning, Bear!” Phil said.  

“Hey,” Dan said, smiling even more now he could see Phil’s face. He was wearing a bright blue top, which made his eyes seem even bluer. Dan wondered how he was even going to manage to hold a conversation without getting lost in Phil’s eyes.

“Is that your school shirt?” Phil asked, although Dan barely heard him, unable to stop staring into his eyes.

“Bear?” Phil asked tilting his head to the side and breaking Dan’s trance.

“Oh!” Dan said quickly and Phil laughed. Had he noticed Dan staring at him? “Oh, yeah, yeah, it is, I already changed before the nurse had called.”

“It didn’t seem your normal style,” Phil laughed, and he looked so cute Dan had to look away to stop his heart from bursting. However, he then caught sight of his straighter on his bedside table.

“Oh shit,” Dan said. In his excitement to have the day off and to talk to Phil he’d completely forgotten about straightening his hair.  

“What?” Phil asked.

“I forgot to straighten my hair,” Dan sighed, examining it in the small screen in the corner. “At least it hasn’t gone full curls yet.”   
  
“Wait, your hair is normally curly?” Phil exclaimed.

“Yeah, I straighten it every day,” Dan admitted.   
  
“So, do you ever wear it curly?” Phil asked.  
  
“No! if I do I look like a freaking hobbit,” Dan said.   
  
“Aww, I want to see!” Phil said clasping his hands together beside is cheek. How was it possible that Phil just kept getting cuter? At this rate Dan would have to put his hand over the screen to just be able to speak properly.

“Please! One time you have to not straighten it,” Phil insisted.  
  
“No!” Dan said, suddenly realising he hadn’t spoken for a minute.

“But it would be so cute!” Phil said and Dan blushed. Dan prayed Phil would never find out what all Dan’s blushing really meant.

“Anyway, Bear. How’s your shoulder?” Phil asked, either not noticing or ignoring Dan’s deep blush.

“Well it hurts a lot to move, and it turns out shoulders do a lot more moving than I realised,” Dan sighed. “Plus, it’s got a nice blue bruise all across the front.”

“Oh, that sounds bad, I really hope it gets better really soon” Phil sighed. “So, you got the day off school?”  
  
“Yeah the nurse called the house.” Dan explained. “I didn’t want her to call my parents so I called back and yeah, no school for me today.”  
  
“Bear, I don’t mean to worry you, but aren’t your parents going to find out?”  
  
“Um,” Dan said, hoping the nurse wouldn’t call again. “I dunno, hopefully they won’t.”

“But, Bear, if you say its bruised,” Phil said softly. “Won’t they notice?”

“Nah, it’s under my shirt, they won’t be able to see,” Dan said, making a mental note to wear long sleeves just in case.

“How bad is it?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know, I’m not really an expert on bruises.”

“Can I see it?” Phil asked tentatively.

“Uh…I’d have to take my shirt off,” Dan said blushing again.

“I don’t mind,” Phil said and Dan blushed harder. Was Phil flirting with him? No, he couldn’t be, he just wanted to check on Dan’s bruise, that was all. Friends saw each other shirtless all the time. It was no different to going swimming at the beach. Dan undid the first button on his shirt, but his hands were shaking as he did so. His whole body seemed to become filled with nervous energy. He knew it wasn’t a big deal, but somehow it felt so intimate. He found himself worrying about what Phil was going to think when he saw his bare chest. What if he thought Dan was ugly?

Phil must have noticed Dan’s hesitation. “Bear, you don’t have to show you me the bruise, if you don’t want to…I just thought it might help to have another opinion of if you might need to see a doctor or something,” Phil said gently.

“Yeah well, you probably wouldn’t be able to see it through the webcam anyway,” Dan lied, rebuttoning the top of his shirt. What was wrong with him? Why had he freaked out at the idea of Phil seeing him shirtless?

“Hey, Bear,” Phil said, and Dan looked up to see concern etched through his face. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t,” Dan said quickly, not looking at Phil. It wasn’t Phil’s fault he’d freaked out. Phil wasn’t asking him to doing anything obscene, he was just concerned for him.

“I was just worried you might not realise that your bruise was really bad,” Phil said, confirming Dan’s thoughts, then added, “I swear I wasn’t trying to see you shirtless or anything.’ 

Phil sounded so serious, and if Dan wasn’t mistaken, a little scared. He seemed to be almost horrified that Dan might think that was what he had meant. Dan’s heart fell. Although he’d been nervous at the prospect of taking his shirt off in front of Phil, if Phil had wanted to see Dan shirtless…well, Dan only dreamed Phil might like him like that. However, Phil’s sentiment confirmed that certainly wasn’t the case. The fact Phil didn’t see Dan taking his shirt off as a big deal was proof that he only thought of Dan as a friend. Nothing more. Dan’s heart suddenly ached, of course Phil didn’t like him back. He’d been stupid to even think he might be flirting. 

“I know,” Dan sighed, suddenly feeling sad. “Let’s just move on,” he said, wishing the whole thing hadn’t happened. Why did he have to be wearing his school shirt today? If he’d been wearing any other shirt he could have just rolled back the sleeve and avoided the incident.

“Okay,” Phil said slowly, no doubt noticing that Dan was acting weird. “Um, so do you have anything on over the weekend?   
  
“No,” Dan said. “You?”

“Um, working Sunday, and a couple assignments, but that’s all,” Phil said.

“Don’t you have any social events on or anything?” Dan asked. Usually Phil had something on with his friends, it was strange for him to have such an empty weekend.

“Uh…no, I mean sure I could go if I wanted but I’d rather hang out with you,” Phil said rather sheepishly and Dan’s heart started racing again.

“But,” Dan said, as much as he’d love to have Phil to himself, he worried sometimes that Phil was giving up too much time for him. “you don’t have to do that Phil, I don’t want you to lose connection with your other friends!”

“Aw, that’s very sweet, Bear, but I see them plenty,” Phil smiled, “too much if I’m honest. They’re nice and stuff, but none of them are as good a friend as you are Bear.”

“Oh, ok,” Dan said, trying to keep the giddiness out of his voice. Sure, Phil had said friend, but he’d made it pretty clear that Dan was his favourite. The knowledge that Phil would rather spend time with him than anyone else made it impossible for Dan to contain his smile. “Wait, I just realised, that means you have nothing on tomorrow!”

“We could have a record skype day!” Phil laughed. “Although, I’ll have to work on my assignments, but I quite like doing them with you there,” Phil said and then started blushing. Dan’s heart warmed seeing Phil’s cheeks because a gorgeous shade of red. God, he wished he could reach out and touch them. Not to mention his beautiful red lips…

“Sounds good,” Dan said quickly, not wanting his thoughts to travel any further while Phil was looking back at him.

“Well I better get to class,” Phil said. “But I’ll call you this afternoon, like normal, okay?” 

“Sure, hope your classes go well!” Dan said.

“Thanks, Bear, enjoy your day off,” Phil looked down suddenly “I do I hope your shoulder is okay,” he said quietly, and Dan suddenly felt awful. Phil clearly felt awkward about asking Dan to take of his shirt.  

“Yeah, it will be fine,” Dan sighed.

“Okay, bye!” Phil waved.

“Bye!” Dan said, feeling more confused than ever about whether or not Phil liked him. He’d called him cute and told him that he wanted to spend time with him over anyone else, yet he seemed to feel so awkward about Dan taking his shirt off. He’d sounded so serious when he told Dan he wasn’t trying to see him with his shirt off, as if he was worried Dan might think that he wanted to. In fact, he’d sounded rather horrified that Dan might be thinking that at all. He needed to stop thinking that there was a chance Phil liked him because he was only going to end up heartbroken. He needed to just focus on their friendship.

Dan checked the time, it was only 9:30am and Phil wasn’t going to be calling back until around 4, what was he meant to do all day? He knew that he should take the opportunity to some schoolwork, but he had a sore shoulder, and even though it wasn’t the one connected to his writing hand, in Dan’s mind, that was a good enough excuse not to do homework. He’d just check his school emails and see what schoolwork he had to do, that was productive enough, surely?

Dan opened his inbox and was immediately shocked to find 10 emails from Ryan waiting for him. Although, everyone’s emails were available via the school’s intranet, Dan had never received one from Ryan. Dan sighed, just when he thought he could avoid him all weekend, Ryan found another way into his life. 

_Ryan: Not at school loser? You’re so weak and pathetic, a tiny fall and you take the whole day off? I guess that’s what happens when you are a GAY UGLY IDIOT. Everyone is talking about how much they hate you. Bet you’re watching those stupid Phil videos, daydreaming about f*cking him. F*GGOT_

School policy prevented them swearing in their school emails, but that couldn’t really stop them. Dan sighed, looking at the insults, the words seeming more real now they were written out in front of him. He could practically hear Ryan’s laughter through the screen. Without reading them, Dan deleted the rest of the emails. He’d read enough.

Dan skimmed through a few emails from teachers giving assignment instructions, and then surprisingly found an email from Tony. They had barely spoken over the past month, ever since Dan realised what a crap friend (well, not even a friend) he was. Sure, he still sat at the same lunch table, but Dan only ever spoke when spoken too, which wasn’t often. Dan hated having to sit there, but there was no way he could sit at any of the other tables. He considered sitting on his own in the library, but he was far too scared Ryan would find him and something even worse than last time would happen. Dan opened the email from Tony.

_Tony: Ryan says you were arrested for pornography is that true? But he also says that you are wagging because you went to go stalk Phil so I’m confused_

Dan suddenly felt nauseas. He’d been away from school a few hours, and Ryan was already spreading vicious rumours about him? Dan felt a sudden sense of intense dread for returning to school on Monday. How was he meant to deal with this? He couldn’t think of anything but to message Phil.

 _Dan_ : Ryan sent me like 10 hate emails and Tony told me he’s spreading awful rumours about me, what do I do? I hate this I hate this I hate this

 _Phil_ : Oh Bear :( You don’t deserve that, but you don’t have to do anything except ignore them, okay? *Sending big hugs*

 _Dan_ : Thanks

 _Phil_ : Hey I just heard a rumour about you…It was that you are the funniest and kindest and most interesting person in the whole world.

 _Dan_ : Nice try Phil. But thanks anyway

 _Phil_ : It’s gonna be okay, Bear. Try not to let this ruin your weekend. I’ve got to head back into class but I’ll be sending you nice thoughts ^_^

 _Dan_ : Thanks Phil, can’t wait to skype :)

Dan felt a little better after Phil’s messages, so returned to his inbox. Dan had been planning on ignoring Tony’s email but realised that with his big mouth, Tony might start spreading the rumours further if Dan stayed silent.  

_Dan: Neither I tripped and hurt my shoulder. Nurse said to let it heal before coming back to school._

_Tony: Oh, I suppose that makes more sense. But, I wasn’t sure, you’ve been acting so weird lately. You keep smiling into your phone, who are you getting messages from anyway_

Oh no, Tony had noticed? Dan dreaded the idea of anyone finding out he was actually in contact with Phil. But, Dan realised, why did it even matter to Tony? Dan sighed, knowing this was just a quest for information rather than genuine interest in Dan, so he just ignored the email and closed his laptop, seething with anger about school and everyone in it. Tony’s emails were merely an annoyance, but Ryan, couldn’t he just leave Dan alone? Now Ryan was attacking him when he wasn’t even at school. Everything was just getting worse. Dan had long given up hope that Ryan would leave him alone, but now he was beginning to worry; just how far would Ryan go to make Dan’s life miserable?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already drafted the next chapter, so the next update will be a lot sooner than this one!  
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! :)


	11. Chapter 11

Returning to school on Monday was worse than Dan could have imagined. Ryan had clearly spared no effort to ensure that everyone in the school had some skewed version of why Dan was absent on Friday. Many of the kids obviously knew it was a hoax, but still took pleasure in asking Dan about one of many obscene activities. However, an alarming number seemed genuinely confused about which story was true, and even more confused when Dan told them none were. To make things even worse Tony had been telling everyone about Dan’s injured shoulder (although not out of concern) and instead of replacing the rumours people took it as an opportunity to make sure Dan’s shoulder really was injured. Punch after punch left Dan’s shoulder feeling worse than when he had originally fallen, and he hoped that he wasn’t going to be facing any permanent shoulder damage. The sheer anxiety of it all left Dan feeling constantly nauseas and shaky.

The worst thing was, with all the extra attention on Dan, he couldn’t even risk checking his phone between classes. He felt way too scared that someone would read Phil’s messages, so Dan felt like the only way to ensure they didn’t was to not read them himself. It made school so much harder, but not as hard as it would be if anyone found out he was actually in contact with Phil, so his phone remained hidden in the bottom of his bag inside his locker all day. He then spent the entire walk home catching up on them and smiling at their obscure meanings, which Phil now included since he knew Dan wasn’t responding during the day. Although, he’d given up writing them down; it simply wasn’t the same, and no matter what Phil said Dan didn’t want to make another book of them.

If it weren’t for his Skype calls with Phil to look forward to each day, Dan wasn’t sure he would have even made it through the week. He arrived home every afternoon and burst into tears, unable to stop crying for hours. Phil was so incredibly patient, telling him kind things all night as Dan went through tissue box after tissue box. Although it was this week that had brought on the onslaught of tears, the tears weren’t really just for this week, but for all the weeks he never cried. Phil kept telling him it would be okay. Dan didn’t believe him, but his voice was so soothing he just let Phil talk.

“You’re going to be ok, Bear. I know you don’t feel ok. It’s ok to not feel ok. But I’m going to be here, and one day you’re going to move away from this town and these people, and we’re going to be able to meet,”

“It feels like that will never happen,”

“Of course it will Bear, I’m going to make sure of it. We’re going to meet and I’m going to show you that the world isn’t always this bad. You’re going to be so strong inside after all this Bear, you’re already so strong, you’re so brave.” 

Phil’s words were so beautiful, and his voice was so gentle and calming. Each night, Dan found himself closing his eyes for a bit, just to listen to Phil’s words. He’d lie down in a comfortable position, laptop on his bedside table, and think of nothing but how much he loved Phil. And each night, even though he knew he had the night before Dan fell asleep to Phil’s words.  Each morning he’d find his laptop’s battery dead and a sleep well text from Phil. Every afternoon he’d apologise to Phil, and Phil just laughed, telling Dan he was happy to help him fall asleep. Dan wasn’t sure how it was possible, but he found himself loving Phil even more every day. Even through all his sadness and anger, there wasn’t a moment where Phil wasn’t on his mind.

By Friday the rumours had settled down a bit, and Dan was very relieved the weekend was so close. He could only hope that the rumours would be contained within the week, and this was the final day he would have to deal with people asking him about sex tapes or police charges. Friday went slowly, a constant battle of trying not to cry from humiliation or intense pain in his shoulder.

_Phil_ : So incredibly brave

_Dan_ : That’s three words

_Phil_ : Hey you’re texting me back!

_Dan_ : I’m hiding in the bathroom, I couldn’t face the cafeteria

_Phil_ : Are you actually in a locked toilet stall?

_Dan_ : Maybe

_Phil_ : Bear :( This isn’t good you know

_Dan_ : Really here I was thinking I was having the time of my life

_Phil_ : Bear, we need to talk over the weekend

_Dan_ : Well I sure hope we will talk

_Phil_ : Like serious talk, this is getting out of hand, I think you need help

_Dan_ : You help me all the time Phil

_Phil_ : That’s very kind Bear, but it’s not what I meant

_Dan_ : What did you mean then

_Phil_ : Don’t worry, we’ll talk about this later, just focus on getting through the rest of the day, okay?

_Dan_ : Okay, but now I’m scared

_Phil_ : Oh Bear, I’m sorry, I’m so silly...I should have waited to bring it up :( Do you think I’m scary?

_Dan_ : what? No! I’m just worried what you are going to say

_Phil_ : Well, if I’m not scary then I promise what I have to say isn’t scary!

_Dan_ : haha, okay, we’ll talk once I’m home

_Phil_ : You’re nearly there :)

Dan left the toilet cubicle, wondering what Phil could mean. What did he mean Dan needed help? Was he going to suggest talking to his parents? All that would do was make them think Dan was some kind of stupid kid who couldn’t deal with anything on his own. 

Dan grabbed his things from his locker, surprised to only be yelled out the usual set of insults, and began walking to his literature classroom. He was halfway there when he remembered they were having class in the library. Dan sighed, knowing he was bound to be late, and endure everyone staring at him and cracking jokes amongst each other.

Dan walked into the library and saw everyone in his class seated. There was only one spare seat and Dan started shaking when he saw who it was next to. No, this couldn’t be happening.

“Daniel, sit down,” his teacher instructed when she saw Dan standing in the doorway.

“Uh,” Dan said, frantically looking around, hoping there was a seat he’d missed.

“There’s a seat right there next to Ryan,” she said, and Dan saw Ryan smile gleefully and pat the seat next to him. With no other choice, Dan staggered towards Ryan and sat down, shaking and trying to not to hyperventilate. The teacher was giving some kind of instructions but Dan couldn’t do anything other than focus on his breathing and try not to pass out. He considered asking to go see the nurse, but he feared Ryan would start up a whole new set of rumours in his absence.

Suddenly everyone got up and moved towards the computers, and Dan followed blankly. What were they doing? He hadn’t heard a single word the teacher said. Dan sat down at a computer before being abruptly shoved by Ryan.

“It’s one between two loser,” Ryan said, “and I’m controlling ours.” 

“What?” Dan said, standing up before Ryan pushed him off the chair

“We have to work with who we were sitting next to. I know you’re an idiot but that means you’re working with me.” 

Dan really wanted to throw up.

“What are we doing?” Dan asked, voice high and shaking, unable to conceal how terrified he was. 

“Wow, gaylord, I knew you were dumb, but not this stupid,” Ryan laughed as he opened up google. Dan looked away for a few moments and was shocked to see the YouTube homepage when he looked back. Dan didn’t need to have listened to know this wasn’t what they had been instructed to do. Ryan started typing in the search bar: Ama...

“No, what are you doing?” Dan said quickly, heart beating faster as Ryan typed out the letters Dan feared he would.

“Just commenting on some videos,” Ryan winked, pushing enter on the search AmazingPhil.

“No!” Dan said, knowing what was coming. He reached to grab the mouse but Ryan was too quick. He clicked on the first video, paused it and began typing in the comments. Dan tried to pull Ryan’s hands from the keyboard but Ryan was way too strong for him and shoved Dan off.

“Please don’t,” Dan begged, it was bad enough that he had to deal with Ryan, he didn’t want Phil to start receiving hate from him too. Phil wouldn’t know it was Ryan, he’d be devastated to receive awful messages on his videos.

“Don’t what?” Ryan laughed, pausing his typing for a moment.

“Don’t comment,” Dan said, heart aching as imagined how Phil would feel reading whatever Ryan had in store for him.

“But loser, I comment every day,” Ryan laughed and Dan felt an intense wave of cold panic travel through his body. He couldn’t comment every day, Ryan wouldn’t go to that much effort, he was just saying that.

“He always deletes them, it’s a bit rude really,” Ryan laughed. Dan couldn’t speak, eyes darting between Ryan’s hands on the key board and Phil’s latest video on the screen. Ryan was surely lying about the comments to get to Dan, so he just had to make sure he didn’t comment now.

“It doesn’t matter if you comment on Phil’s videos, it’s not like that affects me,” Dan lied, praying Ryan would change his mind if he thought Dan didn’t care.

“Of course, it does, idiot, every day I leave a comment about  _you,”_ Ryan snickered.

“What?” Dan said, nausea rising. He was lying. He had to be lying. He was just messing with Dan. If someone was leaving comments about Dan, Phil would have told him. This was just Ryan being awful.

“See,” Ryan pointed to the screen.

_This video sucks. But not as much as you. But even you don’t suck as much as this kid I know called Dan Howell. He’s in love with you. It’s pathetic. Sorry such a loser has to be attracted to you. I guess that’s why he thinks your attractive. Because he is so ugly himself. Lol_

Dan reached for the delete button but Ryan pushed Dan at his right shoulder and Dan fell to the ground in pain.

“Oh, yeah I heard that rumour you hurt your shoulder. Guess it was true,” Ryan laughed. Dan heard the mouse clicking, no doubt posting the comment. Dan tried to tell himself it would be ok. He could explain everything to Phil this afternoon. Phil would be fine. But what if the comment was the one thing that made Phil realise, Dan was in love with him? No it will be fine, of course Phil won’t believe Ryan…

“Oh look, like always he’s deleted it already,” Ryan laughed, and Dan stood up to see  _your comment has been deleted._ How was Phil so fast? This wasn’t a regular thing, was it? It couldn’t be. Phil must have just been online and seen the comment and deleted it.

“What do you mean always?” Dan couldn’t help but ask, although he hated to see the gleeful look on Ryan’s face. Ryan knew he had Dan under his control now.

“How are you so stupid Howell? I tell him what a loser he is, what a faggot you are, and then he deletes them a few seconds later. It’s like a fun game” Ryan sniggered.

“No, you don’t,” Dan said. He couldn’t have done this before. This had to be a once off thing. Phil wouldn’t have kept this from him. He would have told Dan if someone was commenting about Dan…wouldn’t he?

“I’ve been doing this for months,” Ryan laughed. “Making sure to keep him updated on all you scandals, make sure to tell him every time you blush at his name,  _PHHIIIL,”_

Dan’s face sure was red, but for once it wasn’t at Phil’s name. It was red due to the sheer and utter panic that had settled in Dan’s entire body. What if Ryan had been commenting? What if Phil knew Dan liked him? But why hadn’t Phil told him? What was going on? Dan’s entire body felt like it was going to explode in agony, and before Dan knew it bile was rising up his throat. He couldn’t hold it in anymore, and he swiftly he threw up all over the library floor. He heard laughter, but Dan barely even registered it. He heard his teacher tell him to see the nurse, and grabbed his stuff and ran from the library, trying to tell himself that Ryan had to be lying.

He wasn’t seeing the nurse today, he was going straight home. Straight home to skype Phil and find out exactly what was going on. He needed to hear Phil tell him how he had deleted the comment so quickly, and tell him Ryan was lying about the rest of them.

Dan walked home, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Trying not to let his anxious thoughts spiral out of control. Desperately hoping Phil would be able to calm him down. Breathe In. Breath Out. Right foot. Left foot. The journey home felt endless. What if Ryan really had been leaving comments for months? If he had that meant Phil would have been reading and deleted them for months…and not telling Dan. Why wouldn’t he tell Dan? What had Ryan been saying? What if Phil realised that Dan liked him? What if Ryan had told Phil things before Dan had, and Phil had pretended not to know? Why would Phil keep something like that from him? Surely, Ryan had to be lying. Phil wouldn’t do that to him.

As soon as Dan arrived home he opened his laptop to skype Phil. He didn’t waste any time to grab a snack or change, he needed to talk now. He pressed call. Phil’s face appeared on the screen but Dan couldn’t even muster a smile. He was too scared.

“Has Ryan been leaving other comments about me?” Dan said quickly. 

“Huh?” Phil said.

“He left a comment about me today, and you deleted it, like straight away somehow, and he said he left others about me, and he did it all the time and you always deleted them but you don’t do you? You would have told me right?” Dan said, unable to hide the sound of desperation in his voice.

“Bear,” Phil said softly, his voice shaking, “I’m so sorry.”

Dan felt his like everything had stopped. Everything seemed silent. All the colours seemed to have been drained from the room. No, why was Phil apologising? Why wasn’t he telling him Ryan was lying?

“I’m so, so sorry,” Phil cried, tears now falling down his face.

“No,” Dan said, finally able to find his voice. “You can’t be sorry, because, it can’t be true…” Dan said, still in disbelief. How could this be happening?

“I didn’t know if it was Ryan…I was scared…I didn’t know how to tell you...” Phil sobbed.

“But someone has been leaving comments about me?” Dan said, unable to grasp the reality of the situation. Ryan hadn’t been lying. Ryan had told him something Phil hadn’t. Phil had known. Phil hadn’t told him.

Phil nodded, and Dan started sobbing. How was this possible? How was it that Ryan had been communicating with Phil, and Dan didn’t know? How could Phil have kept this from him?

 “But why didn’t you tell me?” Dan said. They talked for five hours a day, Dan complained about Ryan everyday…how had Phil never told him?

 “I didn’t know how, Bear. I just..you’ve been so so sad this week, I didn’t want to make things any worse. I didn’t know how to bring it up. And I was worried it wasn’t Ryan, and if it wasn’t I really didn’t want to make you more scared..”

“Who else would it be Phil! Who else would say those kinds of things?” Dan said. After everything Dan had told Phil about Ryan, how could he think that anyone else?

“Someone might have seen me call you my boyfriend on twitter a few months ago..you have your real name…it could have been them…” Phil voice was so shaky he could barely string a sentence together. 

“But you knew there was a chance, a good chance it was Ryan,”

“I-I-yes,” Phil admitted.

“Then why didn’t you tell me Phil!” Dan was hysterical now. “You know him…you know everything I’ve told you…you must have known he would use anything against me Phil. Especially this! And you didn’t warn me Phil…do you know what happened today? When he commented on your video I got so stressed I fucking threw up! In the library in front of everyone!” 

“I’m so sorry, Bear,” Phil cried but Dan kept talking.

“You could have prepared me…I was so worried about you Phil! I was worried you would be upset at his comment…but you’ve known all this time…and you didn’t tell me…Ryan’s probably been planning this for ages and you…you could have warned me...” Dan wiped his face against his sleeve. “What did he even tell you Phil? Did he tell you things before I did and you pretended not to know?”

“No of course not!” Phil said.

“But how can I even believe you Phil, when you’ve been keeping this from me? I don’t understand how you could do this to me,” Dan cried. 

Phil was meant to be the one that didn’t hurt him. Dan’s entire body ached…feeling worse than he ever did when Ryan teased him. It was worse than walking down the corridors. It was worse than every punch to the shoulder. He felt like every conversation about Ryan had been a lie. Dan had been so honest, but Phil hadn’t. Every time he had trusted Phil with something, had Phil already known?  Every time Phil comforted him…had it been a pre-prepared response?

“I’m so sorry,” Phil was hysterical now, and Dan could barely make out his words, “I just didn’t know how, you’ve been so broken and I didn’t want to break you anymore,” Phil looked up at him, with watery blue eyes. His eyelashes laced with tears, his nose tinged with red from crying. He looked so beautiful to Dan, and Dan’s heart clenched with a weird combination of love and pain. Phil had been the only one to ever care about Dan. He’d been the only one who was ever nice to Dan. The only one Dan could count on to be there when he needed him. He was the only person in the world who Dan had ever loved, and that was why it hurt much. Phil’s last words echoed in Dan’s ears;  _I didn’t want to break you anymore._

“I think you just did,” Dan sobbed, looked away from Phil’s teary face and ended the skype call.


	12. Chapter 12

That night seemed endless. Dan hugged his legs to his chest, feeling his raging heartbeat through his entire body. His mind flipped between everything and nothing. Moments when his dark thoughts and fears were so strong he felt like he was drowning. Moments where blankness cascaded and he wondered why his chest physically ached. At times, his emotions became so intense he felt like he couldn’t move. He couldn’t see or hear anything. He could barely breathe. Dan didn’t know how to escape. He had become so used to Phil being there to calm him down. What had he done before Phil? He’d watched his videos... Before that? Before that he had been stuck…stuck in a big void of bad thoughts….and now the void was calling him back.

He didn’t like the void. It told him things he didn’t like. Things he didn’t want to believe but his mind insisted they were true. It told him Phil had never liked him and their friendship had been a lie. Their skype calls were a joke to Phil. Dan was a big joke to Phil. Phil didn’t care about him.

It gave him all the reasons why Phil hadn’t told Dan about Ryan’s comments. Phil had wanted Dan to find out at school. He’d wanted Dan to throw up in the library. Phil had known everything about Ryan all along. The trust he’d built in Phil was fake.

Then Dan’s deepest fears rose to the surface. That the comments had caused Phil to realise Dan was in love with him. Phil didn’t want to date Dan. Phil was horrified and wanted revenge on Dan. He was horrified a boy would fall in love with him. A 16-year-old boy with no friends who was a loser like everyone always told him. What if it was worse? What if Phil had known and had been making fun of Dan this whole time? What if he’d been trying to make him fall in love with him?

Dan wasn’t sure how, but at some point, he fell asleep. If it weren’t for the seemingly instant change in the lighting in his room he wouldn’t have realised he had been asleep. But things felt clearer somehow, like his mind had worked through his worries during the night, and separated them so they weren’t as daunting.

He was upset, knowing that Phil had known something about Ryan, and never told him. He was upset that Phil had let it go on for so long, to the point where Ryan brought it up at school. But Dan realised…he was mostly upset because he was scared. He was scared why Phil had kept it from him.  Dan sobbed, realising that above everything, he was terrified that Phil knew Dan liked him and didn’t want to be friends anymore. What if the reason Phil hadn’t wanted to tell Dan, was because he’d realised Dan liked him?

But he didn’t know that for sure….he hadn’t even given Phil a proper chance to explain.

Suddenly an image of Phil, devastated and crying appeared in Dan’s mind.

Oh no. Phil.

Phil had been crying. He’d been crying the whole skype call. He’d been crying because of Dan. How had Dan not realised this? He’d been crying because of Dan and he was probably still crying now, and it was all Dan’s fault.

No. No. No.

Suddenly Dan felt horrified. He had made Phil cry. He hung up on Phil. He told Phil…he told Phil he’d broken him. How could he have said that? How could he have said that…to the person who had put him back together?

How could Dan have been so stupid? How could he have thought Phil didn’t care about him? Of course he cared about Dan. He hadn’t told Dan  _because_  he cared about Dan. Maybe he hadn’t thought the whole thing through very well, but in Phil’s mind, he had been trying to help Dan.

Oh no, Dan had messed up. He knew he would have hurt Phil. Even though Phil had hurt him, it didn’t make what he’d said right. He told Phil he broke him…He’d made him cry. After everything Phil had done to help him, he’d made Phil feel absolutely awful.

He was still upset Phil hadn’t told him. He was still terrified that Phil knew he liked him. But how could he have acted the way he did? He had been so selfish. He hadn’t even thought about how Phil was feeling. What was Phil thinking right now? He probably thought Dan hated him. He probably thought that Dan didn’t want to be friends anymore.

Dan’s heart ached, realising how much pain he must have caused Phil. No matter the reason for not telling Dan…he still wanted to be friends with Phil. He still needed him. He still loved him.

Dan started shaking. Shit shit shit. How was he meant to fix this? Dan didn’t know what to do. He’d never had a proper relationship of any kind. He’d never had a fight with anyone he’d loved.

He wished he could Skype Phil. He wished he could go back in time before the whole thing had happened. He just wanted to go back to how things were. But what if they couldn’t? What if Phil thought Dan had acted so immaturely he didn’t want to be friends? What if telling Phil he broke Dan…what if Dan had just broken Phil?

Dan got out his phone. There were no new messages from Phil but Dan hadn’t been expecting any. Phil probably thought Dan never wanted to hear from him again. Dan began typing, but then deleted everything. Everything sounded wrong. Everything sounded inadequate. He typed and deleted for hours.  

 _Dan_ : Hi Phil. I’m really sorry :( About everything. I’m sorry for hanging up on you. I’m sorry for making you cry, I hope you weren’t crying all night because of me. I’m most sorry for telling you that you broke me, when you have been the only one who’s ever built me up. I’m still upset you didn’t tell me, but I should never have said that. I was selfish when talking to you and I didn’t think about how you would be feeling :( I realise I didn’t give you a chance to say what really happened, I hope that you’ll let me listen properly some time. I hope you know that I don’t hate you. I hope you don’t hate me after the way I acted :( Yes, I was upset, I’m still upset, but I still want to be friends. If you still want to be.

By the time Dan sent the message the sun had gone down. He ate dinner with his parents, but he barely heard a word they were saying. They asked him how school was and he told them it was fine. They asked if anything was wrong and he told them he was fine. They didn’t ask again. Dan went back to his room and started crying again. Phil hadn’t replied. Phil probably hated him. But before Dan’s mind could give him reasons why Phil would hate him, his phone beeped.

 _Phil_ : Hey Bear, I’m really sorry too :( Thankyou very very very much for your message. I could never ever hate you, okay? I have a lot to say, and I’ve been trying to type it but I’m worried it won’t come across right in a message. I know it might be too soon to talk to me..but I was wondering if I could talk to you? I can call you on your phone, and you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.

Should they talk on the phone this time? It would be weird not to be able to see Phil, but maybe it would be easier if they couldn’t see how much they had made each other cry. But things could be misinterpreted over the phone too…they needed this to go well.

Dan: I think it would probably be better to skype

Phil: Oh me too, Bear, I just thought you might not want to. Can I call in maybe 10 minutes?

Dan: Sure

Dan got out of bed and changed into a clean t-shirt. He washed his face with water, and half-heartedly tried to flatten his hair. His eyes were so red he was surprised his parents hadn’t asked. They probably hadn’t noticed. He tried to smile in the mirror but it wouldn’t come. He didn’t really want Phil to see him like this, but if they were going to move past this they had to skype, and the longer they didn’t talk the harder it would be.

Dan sat down, nerves settling in his chest. He was scared to see Phil, scared to see how red his eyes were and the dark circles that were probably under his eyes. He was scared to see how much he’d hurt Phil.

The call came through. Dan hit answer and Phil’s face appeared on the screen. Despite all his pain and stress, Dan’s heart still melted at the sight of Phil. He was wearing his glasses and his hair was very messy, he looked so cute that Dan almost forgot the reason for skyping.

“Hey Bear,” Phil said softly.

“Um, hi,” Dan said, suddenly remembering how upset he’d been that Phil hadn’t told him, how scared he’d been Phil wouldn’t want to be friends anymore, remembering how much he must have hurt Phil.

“I um,” Phil said. “I’m really glad you messaged. Thanks for um, messaging me. I wanted to message you the moment you left…but I thought that you might not…I mean I didn’t want to make anything worse,” Phil said, looking down and biting his lips together. “I um…so like, um how do you want to do this?” Phil asked.

“Er,” Dan said, it felt like his voice was trapped in his throat, “maybe if you just talk.”

Phil seemed so nervous and so scared. Shit, Dan had done that to him. His carefree smile and bright eyes were gone, replaced by nervous lip biting and a downward gaze. Dan felt so guilty.

“So uh…thanks for what you said in your message. It, um, really meant a lot to me. I guess, I mean, I’ve been feeling so awful Bear… I never ever wanted to let you down, and I did and I’m so sorry.” Phil spoke quietly and quickly. His eyes would occasionally flicker back to Dan, but they would never linger like they used to.  

“I don’t hate you, I promise. I know you think you acted badly, but Bear, I don’t think you need to be sorry, really. I messed up, Bear. Not you. I really should have told you sooner. I wasn’t crying because of you, I mean I was, but because I knew how much I hurt you, and I couldn’t believe I’d done that to you. It was on me Bear, not you,” Phil sighed and wiped his eyes.  He hated that Phil was crying. He hated that Phil thought it was all his fault.

“Phil,” Dan said. “I know I hurt you too. I told you…I told you, you broke me.”

Dan began crying, in shock to realise how bad what he’d said was. “I can’t believe I said that when it couldn’t have been more wrong….that was the worst possible thing I could ever say to you Phil, and I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hurt you must have been to hear me say that…” Dan couldn’t look at Phil. He didn’t want to see how much he’d hurt him

“I was upset,” Dan sniffed. “It’s not an excuse for what I said, but I’d had the worst week and everything seemed bad and I don’t know why I said it…because could never break me Phil. You’re the one who doesn’t break me…you’re the one who fixes again every time...You’re spent everyday since I’ve known you, since before you even knew me, putting me back together”

Dan finally looked up to see Phil had his head in his hands. Dan could see him shaking and hear his sobs through the webcam. He didn’t know what to do. Had he just said the wrong thing? Had he made everything worse?

“I’m so scared, Bear,” Phil said finally looking up. “I don’t want to lose you,”

Phil was worried about losing him?

“Scared? Phil don’t be scared, I’m right here.” Dan said. “You’re not going to lose me. I’m sorry I hung up on you Phil, I really am. But you…you couldn’t lose me, Phil. Not after how much you’ve given me,”

Phil was crying harder now, and Dan was growing more nervous. Phil was always the one comforting Dan, he didn’t know what to say to comfort Phil. He wasn’t even sure why Phil was so upset.

“It’s ok Phil. I know we are both upset but we can fix this,” Dan hoped they could fix it.

‘Bear…Bear, you, you,” Phil sobbed. “You don’t even know the whole story yet,”

“Oh,” Dan said.

Oh no, Phil was right…what if the real story made things worse? What if Phil was about to hurt him more? Dan wasn’t sure how to feel. He didn’t want to upset Phil again, but he didn’t want any of his fears to be confirmed true. Dan wasn’t sure how he would handle it if Phil told him something he didn’t want to hear. What Phil if Ryan had told him things before Dan did? What if Phil knew things about school that Dan didn’t?Oh god, what if Phil knew Dan liked him? What if he was about to tell Dan he knew and he didn’t feel the same way? What if he thought he would lose Dan by telling him?

“I guess..I guess I just tell you everything?” Phil asked, wiping some tears off his glasses, arms shaking as he put them back on.

“Ok,” Dan choked, fearing what was about to come.

“So, a few days after we first started talking,” Phil wiped his nose. “I started getting random hate comments, but I thought it was just a normal hater. I sort of just ignored them for a while, but then I was getting a lot, so I banned the user from commenting,” Phil said. “But then they obviously just created another account, and the comments started getting more intense, and more um,…they kept asking if i…if I was gay..and if I had a boyfriend,” Dan looked up to see more tears streaking down Phil’s cheeks.

“…and I thought it was weird, because that what Ryan kept saying to you, but I thought that it must just be a coincidence...and I thought I should probably tell you…but um, I didn’t tell you…because um…and I didn’t want you to know, what they were saying…so I kept blocking, but they kept coming back. And I did this thing where if the word gay or boyfriend came up I would be notified, so I could just delete them straight away…”

Dan felt awful. Phil was so upset, he could barely pronounce any of his words. His sentences were choppy and broken and he had to keep pausing to wipe his tears. He must have been stressing over this for so long. Dan still didn’t really understand what he was trying to say, but Phil had obviously been stressing over this for a while. Dan’s body started shaking harder as he realised Phil had been dealing with bullying himself and Dan hadn’t even even know.

“I’m so sorry…I feel like it’s all my fault, you shouldn’t have been getting hate Phil, it’s all my fault Ryan knew who you were,” Dan said, looking down. It was bad enough Dan had to deal with him, but Phil had been dealing with him for months too. Dan’s felt sadness seep into his whole body.

“No Bear,” Phil sighed. “You are not responsible for his actions, okay? It didn’t even bother me that much until…until a few weeks ago…when he started mentioning you…” Phil sighed and looked up at Dan for the first time.

“I swear he never said anything about you that you hadn’t told me, Bear. I know, I can see how you must have been worried, but I promise like, we had already had that night where you cried about everything that happened for hours…well, almost… but it actually, it was that morning Bear.” Phil looked away again “It was the morning when he tripped you over and you called me in the middle of the day, I got this comment about you and then you called me, and I was so fucking scared,”

“Wait, what did it say?” Dan asked, recalling how freaked out Phil had sounded when he called him. He thought it had just been the fact he was calling in the middle of the day, but what had the comment said?

“Oh,” Phil said. “It was just sort of…I mean the sort of stuff Ryan would usually say to you…like um you know, I mean, you know liking...m-…that usual stuff” Phil stopped. Wait, was Phil blushing? Dan felt like a knife had just gone through his chest, as he came across a worrying thought. Usual stuff? The usual stuff was the boyfriend stuff…and if Phil was blushing he was probably embarrassed. Oh no. Had Phil realised? Did Phil know Dan liked him?

“It was just like the stuff you always tell me he says….so I wondered if it could be him, and then that afternoon you told me so many things, and you were so upset and you were injured and I thought you had too much on your plate for me to bring it up…..and I knew I should tell you that weekend. But you were so happy when you had the day of school…and then I... I didn’t want to make you sad, and then there was the rumours thing, and I didn’t want to make you even more upset, and I also was um…” Phil paused and buried his face in his hands for a few minutes. Dan’s heart was racing…what was Phil going to say next?

“Sorry Bear..I’ve just been so scared…because the comments…I think you saw the one Ryan typed on Friday. About…about you liking me,” Phil cried. Dan’s body started shaking so hard he had to move his laptop off his lap.

“…I knew that I couldn’t tell you about them without telling you what they said…and I knew I should have told you sooner. Like I was trying to find the right time, and there were so many times when I should have told you but I was scared…becuause I didn’t know how to tell you.” Phil sobbed.

He didn’t know how to tell Dan? This was it. Dan wanted to throw up. He knew Phil was about to tell him he didn’t like Dan back. Dan started crying too, wondering how they could still be friends when Phil obviously found it awkward that Dan liked him. Phil was crying so much. Oh no.

“I didn’t want to ruin everything Bear. These past few months….having you as a friend, has been so amazing, Bear…and I didn’t want to destroy that,”

No no no no no no no.  Phil thought they couldn’t be friends any more. He liked Dan as a friend, so he hadn’t wanted to bring up that he knew that Dan liked him, because he knew that once they both knew, their friendship was done.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen Bear... but the night we started talking I knew, I wouldn’t admit it but I knew,”

What? Oh shit. Phil had known all this time? Dan had only ever deluded himself into thinking he’d been hiding it. Oh no. Phil hadn’t wanted to made it awkward, but he’d probably been feeling so awkward this whole time.

“It was just when we talked, and every time we talked and every time I see you, oh my gosh, Bear. I didn’t mean to, I know you just needed a friend, and here I am ruining it. I know that I’m just making all the bullying worse, because I know you are teased about…. about liking me…so I didn’t know how to tell you Bear, because I didn’t want to…destroy you,”

Dan’s heart was pounding. He couldn’t decide whether he’d prefer Phil to never tell him, or for him to just hurry up and get it over with. Phil was crying so much at the thought of telling him…he knew they wouldn’t be able to go back to the way they were after this. Even if Phil could..how was Dan going to be able to look at Phil again, when he knew that they could never be together?

“I swear I didn’t mean to, Bear…like I know it looks like I was trying to set you up with the whole boyfriend tweet and everything, but I swear I was joking at the time….and I..I did stalk your tweets, but I just wanted to be friends, I swear I wasn’t…I’m not..some older guy trying to take advantage of you when you were down or anything. But then I fucking asked you to take off your shirt and you freaked, and I was scared what you thought I meant...because I didn’t mean it like that...but the way you reacted..I knew you didn’t feel the same way...i knew you were scared that I wanted to....so i knew that if i told you...you might think it was like that....so I didn’t know how to bring up the comments without…”

Wait what? Trying to set Dan up? He thought Dan had thought what? Phil wasn’t even speaking in full sentences anymore. Dan was completely lost. 

“What are you talking about Phil?” Dan interrupted.

“Don’t you see Bear? The messages were like a deadline I didn’t want to face. I knew deep down...since you didn’t feel it too...we couldn’t keep being friends, because when you found out...even if you didn’t hate me...or think something really really bad...you’d find it awkward…and I knew the whole thing was made worse by the fact that you were teased about it. I kept pushing it back and back, just praying that Ryan wouldn’t bring it up. I didn’t want to tell you what they said....I didn’t want you to think I was trying to do things with you...and worse, I knew we couldn’t be friends anymore...I knew that it would obvious...

“Phil,” Dan said, utterly confused. “What is this? What would have been obvious,” 

“I know you don’t feel the same way, but,” Phil cried. “Bear, I’m in love with you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave you on another cliffhanger! I hope this is a nicer one :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting for this chapter! I really hope you enjoy it :)

_Bear, I’m in love with you_

The words echoed in Dan’s mind. They didn’t make sense. Bear..he was Bear, wasn’t he? Phil was in love…Phil was in love with him? Had Phil really said those words? The person who had reached out when he was all alone, the person who had helped him through every bad day…had he really just said he loved him? He looked up at Phil. Dan’s heart was racing so much he could feel it in every part of his body. Dan looked from Phil’s perfect hair, to his stunning eyes to his soft pink lips...how could those words just have come from those lips? How could it be that Phil loved him?

“I’m so sorry,” Phil whispered. Why was Phil apologising? If Phil loved him…this changed everything. They could be…they could be more than friends…Dan could tell Phil how he felt about him…he didn’t have to fear Phil finding out…they could tell each other they loved each other whenever they wanted…one day they could meet…Dan wouldn’t have to imagine what it would be like to touch Phil’s hair or hold his hand...Phil would want to hold his hand…they could…maybe they could have a future together…

“Bear say something, anything,” Phil begged, his voice slicing through Dan’s daydreams. Dan blushed when he realised how far his thoughts had traveled.

 “It’s okay…you don’t have to feel bad about not liking me…” Phil said tentatively. Not liking him? What was Phil talking about? Hadn’t Dan just…oh wait…suddenly Dan realised he hadn’t even spoken since Phil told him he loved him, and worse Phil thought he didn’t like him back.

“Phil,” Dan said quickly, ready to tell him he loved him, but somehow his voice wouldn’t produce the words. His heart was pounding, and his hands were shaking. How would Phil react when he told him he loved him?

“It’s okay Bear, I understand if you find it too awkward” Phil said, with a downward gaze.

 “No!” Dan said quickly, still trying to muster the courage to tell Phil how he really felt.

 “Phil I,” Dan said, feeling suddenly overwhelmed by his love for Phil. He began thinking of all the lonely nights he spent watching and re-watching Phil’s videos. He began remembering their first skype call, and the way he had felt when Phil told him they were friends. His heart swelled as he remembered all the times Phil had told him everything would be okay. Every conversation, every text, every thought seemed to flicker through his mind.

He remembered Phil calling him beautiful. He remembered the way Phil laughed at Dan’s stupid jokes. He remembered the way Phil looked when Dan told him everything that was happening at school. He remembered Phil telling him he would rather spend time with Dan than his other friends. 

His heart was racing when he remembered the moment he knew couldn’t deny it anymore. The moment that he knew he loved Phil: the moment that Phil had called him special. Of course, Phil hadn’t just called him special, every day Phil made him feel special.  

 “I,” Dan stammered, his mind flashing forward to minutes ago when Phil had said the beautiful words. Now it was his turn to say them back “Phil, I love you too.”

Phil’s eyes grew wide and his head jolted up, he opened his mouth to say something but Dan kept speaking.

“I’ve liked you since before you even knew I existed, Phil,” Dan said, and he was surprised to feel tears forming in his eyes. His voice was shaking but he continued. “Phil, I’ve been falling in love with you since the first time we skyped…” Dan sobbed, and he noticed tears streaking down Phil’s cheeks too. “Everytime we talk, everytime you send me message, fuck, anytime I just look at you I fall more in love with you Phil…Phil, I love you so much.”

“You…you love me back?” Phil sobbed. Dan’s heart melted, seeing how much his own words had meant to Phil.

“I do, Phil, I really do,” Dan said, smiling through his tears.

“Oh wow, Bear,” Phil sniffed, wiping his eyes. “I- um…I don’t know what to say,”

“Can you tell me you love me again?” Dan asked.

“Bear, I love you more than anything,” Phil smiled.

Now they both had tears streaking down their cheeks. Dan couldn’t believe it. Phil loved him. Some kind of strange feeling settled in his chest. He wasn’t used to it. He didn’t know how to describe it. It was like some kind of vibrant energy, an energy bubbling in his whole body, that he hoped would never leave. It was like…like complete happiness.

He smiled, as he looked at Phil. Phil loved him. The most incredible person in the world loved him. Dan couldn’t stop crying and it seemed Phil couldn’t either. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there crying. Occasionally one of them would giggle, as if suddenly remembering what had happened. Every time Phil giggled, he’d do that cute little thing with his tongue, and Dan would be overwhelmed by how much he loved him and start crying even more.

 Dan was amazed that Phil could still look so beautiful even when crying. His eyes were a little red, but his blue irises still left Dan in awe. His skin was paler than normal, making his pink lips stand out more than usual. Dan’s eyes rested on Phil’s lips…wondering how soft they would feel against his own. Oh no, how long had he been staring? Dan blushed, realising he’d been imagining kissing Phil..while Phil was staring right back at him.  

 “Bear” Phil laughed. “I haven’t been able to say this before…but I just find it so cute when you blush like that,”  Phil smiled, wiping some tears off his cheeks.  

“Oh,” Dan said, blushing harder, “I’d been hoping you hadn’t noticed.”

“Well, I’m afraid you blush quite a lot, Bear,” Phil laughed.

“I know, I hate it,” Dan sighed, why did his skin have to give away everything?

“Aww, why Bear?” Phil said and tilted his head to the side and Dan felt his heart swoon. He couldn’t believe how cute Phil was. Dan found himself blushing again.

“Well Phil, thing is,” Dan sighed. Was he really going to tell Phil this? “I don’t just blush when I’m embarrassed...usually when I blush, it’s because I’m thinking about…about you.”

“Aww Bear,” Phil raised his hands to his cheeks. “That’s like, the cutest thing I have ever heard. Oh my gosh, no wonder you blush so much in our Skype calls.”

Dan only blushed harder at that sentiment. Even if Phil found it cute…he still hated how much he blushed.

“Wait, so if you noticed I was always blushing…how come you didn’t realise I liked you?” Dan asked.

“Oh Bear, I don’t know, I guess I figured it was just a Dan thing,” Phil shrugged.

“Well…it’s pretty much a Phil thing,” Dan sighed and Phil laughed.

“But no…I honestly, I’m really in shock right now Bear… I like… if you told me right now you were joking about the love thing…I think I would find that more believable than this.”

“Well, I wasn’t joking, Phil,” Dan said. How could Phil have thought he didn’t like him? He thought he’d been so obvious. “But how come you thought I wouldn’t like you?”

 “Oh,’ Phil sighed. “Um…loads of reasons I guess. I mean I guess, I just thought I made it pretty obvious I liked you…and I don’t know you never seemed to like me back? I guess I just missed your signals.”

“Wait, obvious?” Dan said. He guessed there were times when he had wondered if Phil liked him…but he had always thought it was his heart getting in the way. He thought he was letting his imagination run wild, making him see things that weren’t there. He hadn’t thought there was actually any evidence that Phil did like him back.

 “Well, Bear…I’m not sure if you noticed,” Phil looked down. “But I kind of sent you about 20 reasons why I liked you every day since we started talking,” Phil blushed.

“Your messages were reasons why you liked me?!” Dan exclaimed. What?

“Phil I thought you were just…” Dan paused. How could have not realised what all the messages meant? How was he so stupid? “I thought you were just being nice,” Dan sighed.

Had Phil really been telling him that he liked him all this time? Dan just hadn’t noticed?

“Hang on,” Dan said, grabbing his phone. He scrolled through the last few weeks of messages, his blush growing when he read ones that were obviously more than just nice.

  _Phil:_ Corgi

_Dan:_ I’m pretty sure you already said dog one time

_Phil:_ But corgi are my favourite dogs and you are my favourite person :D

_Phil:_ Stylish

_Dan:_ I wish…

_Phil:_ Bear you look good in anything ;)

  _Phil:_ Buffy

_Dan:_ Let me guess coz you like Buffy and you like being friends

_Phil:_ Bear I like you even more than Buffy ^_^

 “Oh my god,” Dan said, slapping a hand to his forehead. “Shit. I am such an idiot.”

“Oh Bear, you’re not,” Phil laughed.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Dan asked.

“Well, coz Bear…I guess I thought I was pretty forward…after a while when you didn’t say anything like that to me…I figured you just wanted to be friends,” Phil sighed.

“I’m really sorry Phil,” Dan said, feeling awful. How could he have missed this? “I guess I was just really blind. I mean, I’ll admit there were times I wondered, but in the end… I just thought you were being a good friend.”

“Well, I mean I was trying to be a good friend, Bear,” Phil smiled. “I realise that you haven’t really had many people treat you like friend at all…so I guess you just didn’t realise that um…sending someone that many messages a day, is sort of more than friend behavior,” Phil smirked.

“Oh Phil..I’m actually so sorry…I just, I don’t even know what I was thinking!” Dan sighed. If he’d just actually thought about it, he could have realised Phil liked him ages ago. They could have avoided this entire situation. “No wonder you thought I didn’t like you.”

 “Well there was that…and there was also…” Phil sighed. “Well you were always so upset whenever you were bullied about liking me.’

“Phil,’ Dan laughed. “I was upset  _because_  I liked you.”

“Oh!” Phil said, drawing out the syllable and looking away from Dan. “Oh wow. Oh wow,” Phil’s eyes were flickering around the room. “That actually kind of makes sense. Now  _I_  feel stupid. I should have realised.”  

“Yeah…that’s why I was so worried about the comments, Phil.  I was scared that the comments would make you realise I did and you wouldn’t be my friend anymore.”

“Wait what?” Phil’s eyes went wide, “Is that why you were so upset?”

“One of the reasons,” Dan sighed. “Okay, the main reason,” Dan admitted.

“Oh…” Phil sighed. “I’m so sorry…I guess we were both scared for the same reason then. We were both scared of losing each other,’ Phil gave a small smile. 

“I was so scared, Phil. Like that entire time, you were telling me you liked me, I honestly thought you were about to tell me you knew I liked you and didn’t like me back,”

“What?” Phil said. “Then…I’m confused…did you understand anything I said?”

“Well….I got the bit where you said you loved me,” Dan sighed, remembering how he couldn’t figure out what all of Phil’s waffling meant.

“Oh. I’m sorry Bear…do you want me to start my explanation again?” Phil tilted his head to the side again and Dan couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well, I mean, I got the comments bit at the start. But when you started talking about how the comments mentioned me I started panicking,” Dan sighed. “So maybe from there?” 

Phil spent a while re-explaining everything, and Dan wondered how he could have thought Phil was about to say he didn’t like Dan. It retrospect, it was obvious Phil was talking about himself. It helped that Phil was talking slower now, and wasn’t panicking or pausing as much. As Phil explained himself, and why he hadn’t told Dan, Dan found himself forgiving Phil. Sure, he would have preferred if Phil had told him first, but Phil was doing everything he could to not upset Dan. The comments had been going on for a much shorter time than Dan had thought, and in that time Dan knew…he’d pretty much spent all his time crying to Phil for the past few weeks. There really hadn’t been much of a chance to tell him. Besides, Dan knew Phil was scared of losing him, which wasn’t helped by the fact Dan had been so blatantly blind to all Phil’s attempts to tell him he liked him. If Dan had noticed, well none of it would have happened at all. Also, Dan really had no idea what he would have done in the same situation.  

 “So, um, are you still mad?” Phil asked.

“Phil, I’m not mad. I understand. Thankyou for explaining everything to me again. I know you were doing the best you could, and Phil, I forgive you,”

“Oh Bear! I’m, I’m so relieved,” Phil smiled.

“But I’m still so sorry about what I said,” Dan sighed.

“Oh Bear…you’ve already apologised for that, and I’ve already forgiven you. To be honest Bear…I’m so proud of you, like it takes a lot to make the first move after a fight. I should have reached out to you, but you reached out to me. The fact that you realised, what you’d said..so quickly Bear, well it just makes me love you even more.”

“Oh, well, I love you too,” Dan laughed, feeling euphoric. Everything felt right. Not just right, everything felt perfect.

“But Dan, I am still worried about a couple things,” Phil sighed. Oh no, Dan thought the mess was behind them now. What now? 

“I know when you first tweeted me,” Phil sighed. “I was joking about being your boyfriend and the date and stuff on twitter. I wasn’t trying to like, emotionally manipulate you into liking me when you were sad…I just wanted to be your friend, I swear I wasn’t looking to take advantage of you or anything…”

“Oh Phil!” Dan sighed, feeling relieved that was all Phil was worried about. “Of course, I know that!” How could Phil even be worried about such a thing?

“Well, there’s just one other thing then,” Phil sighed. “Remember a few weeks ago when I pretty much asked you to take off your shirt?”

“Oh,” Dan said, blushing at the memory. 

“Well, you sort of freaked out…and I’ve been worried about why ever since. Like I thought you were liked creeped out,” Phil paused and looked uncomfortable. “I was worried that you thought I was trying to…you know…get you naked or something.”

“What no! No,” Dan said, blushing harder. Shit, how could Phil have thought that Dan was thinking that? “Um…Phil, no I freaked out because I was nervous what you’d think of me…without a shirt on.”

“Oh!’ Phil’s eyes went wide. “Oh,wow, I’m so stupid. I totally…totally misread that…now I’m just embarrassed,” Phil said and blushed. “Well…um, forget that…but I, Dan,”

Dan was surprised at the use of his actual name. Phil used it so rarely Dan was always nervous when he did.

“I really wasn’t trying to see you shirtless…I just wanted to see your bruise…I’m, I promise I’m not like that, and that’s not what,” Phil blushed again. “I’m just not that kind of person, who would just ask you to take of your shirt or anything…like I’m not trying to-”

“Phil I know, I didn’t think it was that way at all,” Dan cut him off, not wanting this conversation to go anywhere else. “I actually thought that you thought that I thought that you liked me and you were horrified that because you thought I thought I was thinking you did,”  
  
“Bear, I have absolutely no idea what you just said. But I think whatever you said just shows that well, I think we need a new strategy,” Phil said.

“Strategy?” Dan asked.

“Well…I think all of this stemmed because…we kept imagining what each other might be thinking. How about we just ask each other instead?” Phil laughed.

“That would probably save a lot of panic,” Dan smiled. Phil was right…if they had just told each other what they were thinking, instead of worrying about what each was thinking…well they could have avoided this mess.

“Okay…well what are you thinking about, about us liking each other?” Phil asked.

“Well...what does this mean?” Dan asked. Now that they both knew they liked each other, where did they go from here?

“What do you want it to mean?” Phil asked.

“Um,” Dan blushed. “I mean…I guess I’d hope we would date…but we can’t exactly.”

“Why not?” Phil frowned.

“Because we live so far apart,” Dan said.

“But what does dating mean to you Bear?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know…I guess it means you spend a lot of time together, and you would tell me you loved me-“

“Well, we can do that over Skype,” Phil laughed.

“No but Phil…I can’t like,” Dan blushed. “Hold your hand or anything,”

“Oh Bear,” Phil laughed. “No, I guess we can’t hold hands. But if we dated…well it would mean I could call you cute when you say cute things like that.” 

Dan blushed again.

 “But that’s not exactly dating,” Dan sighed.

 “Dating means different things to different people, Bear. And for us, for now, it could mean that you know we spend a lot of time together and tell each other we love each other…and just I guess,” Phil smiled, “knowing that there might be a future somewhere.”

“Future?” Dan asked

“Well, we know that when we do meet, then I could hold your hand,” Phil smiled. 

“Oh well, I guess that sounds good,” Dan said, blushing. 

“And Bear…we could have like, skype dates,” Phil said excitedly. 

“What?”

“Well there’s loads we could do! We could wear nice clothes and eat special meals at the same time, we could watch movies at the same time, we could play board games-“

“Phil” Dan interrupted, “I’m sorry but how would that all work?” 

“I’ll show you,” Phil smiled. “Okay, Bear, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah…” Dan said, feeling nervous. What was Phil going to say now?

“Can I take you on a skype date tomorrow?” 

“What?” Dan asked, wondering how on earth that would work.

“I’ll show you, tomorrow we are going to have a date and it’s going to be amazing,” 

“Do I need to bring anything?” Dan joked, rolling his eyes.

“Hmm,” Phil frowned. “You might need some money for when we go shopping.”

“Shopping? Phil, I can’t skype while shopping,” Dan said.

“I can call you, Bear, you’ll see this is going to be great,” Phil clasped his hands together at his right cheek. Dan couldn’t help but smile. What was Phil up to this time? “I’m so excited.”

“Well, I guess I am too,” Dan said. As long as he was talking to Phil, in whatever form, he would have a good time.

“Well..Bear it’s kind of late, and I have a date tomorrow,” Phil smiled cheekily.

“What a coincidence, me too,” Dan joked.

“It’s gonna be great, Bear, just trust me okay?”

“I do, Phil,” Dan smiled.

“Well, Bear…I just really want to thank you for listening to me tonight,” Phil said sincerely.

“That’s okay…I should have listened to you last night,” Dan sighed.

“Oh, don’t worry Bear. But I’m still kind of in shock. Like I expected this to be the last time I ever spoke to you,”

“Oh Phil,” Dan sighed, no wonder he’d been such a wreck at the start of the call. Dan still felt guilty he’d made Phil feel that way.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. You don’t, don’t feel bad over any of this. I want to put this behind us,” Phil said. 

“Okay, Phil,” Dan sighed, although no matter what Phil said, he knew he’d always be a bit angry with himself. But at least they had sorted things out with each other.

 “I’m just so happy,” Phil smiled.  

“Me too Phil, I’m glad we could sort this out,” Dan smiled.

“So, I’ll pick you up at 11?”

“Where should I meet you?” Dan said sarcastically.

“Just be ready for skype at 11,” Phil laughed, “but don’t be in pyjamas, because we’re going places.”

“Should I pick out a suit,” Dan joked.

“No! Just normal clothes, Bear,” Phil laughed.

“Okay, see you then I guess,” Dan laughed.

“I love you Bear,” Phil laughed.

“I love you too Phil,” Dan smiled, ending the skype call.

Dan crawled into bed, heart racing with excitement. He loved Phil and Phil loved him. They were going on a, _kind_   _of_ , date tomorrow. Dan couldn’t stop smiling. Phil actually liked him back? Despite everything, Dan still couldn’t really believe it. He had trouble sleeping again, but not for the usual reasons. Tonight, he just felt too happy to sleep. He couldn’t stop reliving all the things Phil had said. He couldn’t stop himself wondering what Phil was planning for tomorrow. His mind also returned to it’s usual Phil fantasies, although this time they were completely free of external worry. Dan was imagining what it would be like to meet when he heard his phone vibrate.

_Phil_ : I can’t sleep I’m too excited ^_^

_Dan_ : Same

_Phil_ : Hi Bear <3 

_Dan_ : Hi Phil <3

_Phil_ : I’m so happy Bear :D

_Dan_ : Me too

_Phil_ : I’m kind of nervous though :\

_Dan_ : Aw, why?  
_Phil_ : I’m worried you won’t enjoy our date :(

_Dan_ : Phil, if it’s with you I’ll enjoy anything

_Phil_ : Aww, that’s very sweet

_Dan_ : Except maybe not like murder or anything

_Phil_ : well I’ll have to change the plan then

_Dan_ : Phil!

_Phil_ : just kidding Bear

_Dan_ : I know

_Phil_ : It will be a great Sunday, well I hope :)

_Dan_ : Oh no..Phil..it’s Sunday, don’t you have work?

_Phil_ : Um…I might have cancelled

_Dan_ : Phil you don’t have to cancel work for this

_Phil_ : Well, actually I called them this morning…I thought I’d be to sad to go in

_Dan_ : Sorry :(

_Phil_ : It’s ok coz I’M SO HAPPY NOW :D :D :D :D :D

_Dan_ : Me too, but I’m getting kind of tired

_Phil_ : Me too

_Dan_ : I think I’ll try to sleep now

_Phil_ : Ok, text me when you wake up

_Dan_ : Sure, goodnight Phil

_Phil_ : Night Bear ^_^ I love you

_Dan_ : I love you too

Dan fell asleep with a smile.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for all the lovely comments :)  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

When Dan woke up it took him a few moments to remember why he felt so happy. His heart started pounding as the events of the previous night flooded back into his mind. Dan felt such joy that tears started forming in his eyes as he remembered the way Phil had looked when Dan had confessed his feelings. It was hard to believe it had even happened, but it had, and now they were going on a date today. Well, a skype date, but it was more than Dan could have dreamed of this time yesterday.  

What were they going to be doing on this Skype date? Dan still wasn’t sure how it was going to work, but as long as he could spend the day with Phil, he was excited. Should he be nervous? Surely, it wouldn’t be that different to their regular Skype calls, although he imagined Phil would probably go overboard with the compliments. Was Dan meant to be more affectionate? Although Phil knew he liked him, he couldn’t imagine just telling him every time he thought he looked cute. Oh well, he’d just have to see how Phil acted and follow his lead.

Dan rolled over to check his phone and found a bunch of messages waiting from Phil.

 _Phil_ : Bear I can’t decide which date idea to go with

 _Phil:_ Would you prefer to go out somewhere or just stay in?

 _Phil:_ Does your wifi reach your backyard?

 _Phil:_ Wait do you even have a backyard?

 _Phil:_ Oh no, I think it’s going to rain here…scrap that idea

 _Phil:_ Are there any cafes with wifi near you?

 _Phil:_ Wait, you might not want to go out at all, what do you think?

 _Phil_ : I know what I would find fun, but what do you want to do?

 _Phil_ : What’s your ideal first date?

Phil had been sending him messages every few minutes over the past half an hour. Dan couldn’t help but laugh at how much thought Phil was putting into the date. Although, Dan felt bad that seemed to feel so worried about making sure Dan had a good time.

 _Dan_ : Phil stop stressing! I’ll have fun no matter what we do. All my ideal first date involves is you.

 _Phil_ : But if it doesn’t go well you might not want to go on a second date :(

 _Dan_ : Trust me you really don’t need to worry about that. What’s your ideal first date?

 _Phil_ : Idk, going out for coffee and playing videos games but that’s probably too casual

 _Dan_ : That sounds kind of perfect

 _Phil_ : Really? ^_^

 _Dan_ : Yeah and there’s a starbucks near me…I could ‘meet’ you there

 _Phil_ : YAYAYAYAY!!! OMG! We can have a starbucks date! Okay okay okay, so I’ll call you on the way, and then we can skype while there (yay for free wifi) and then it will be amazing and then we can come back home and play videos games online together while also on skype! THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT!!! :D :D :D :D

 _Dan_ : Okay, well I have to go get ready, I’ve got someone I want to impress

 _Phil_ : You always impress me :)

 _Dan_ : Who said I was talking about you?

 _Phil_ : :( Is there someone cute that works at starbucks

 _Dan_ : Nah, there’s this cute guy who I’m meant to be skyping today

 _Phil_ : You’re making me more nervous

 _Dan_ : Relax Phil, this is isn’t any different to our normal skype calls

 _Phil_ : Normally we don’t know we like each other

 _Dan_ : Well I guess it’s our new normal then

 _Phil_ : Exactly so I have to get it right or you might not like me anymore

 _Dan_ : Phil honestly, nothing you could do stop me liking you

 _Phil_ : Really?

 _Dan_ : Promise, so you’ll call me at 11?

 _Phil_ : Yep :) Can’t wait

Despite assuring Phil the date would be fine Dan was beginning to feel a little nervous himself.  _It’s Phil_  Dan reminded himself  _he already likes you._ However, Dan still found himself trying on eight different outfits and straightening his hair three times before he was ready to leave the house. He double checked he had his laptop, phone and money. Wow, if this is how he was getting ready for a skype date with Phil, how was he ever going to manage even meeting Phil, let alone going on a real life date with him? Dan tried to put that thought out of his mind, reasoning that they weren’t going to meet for a long time, and he just needed to focus on this skype date.

Dan’s phone rang and he smiled when he saw Phil’s name.

“Hey Phil,” Dan said, unable to stop himself from grinning.

“Hey Bear, you sound happy,” Phil laughed.

“Well, I am going on a date with you,” Dan said as he left the house.

“See, I told you skype dates would be fun,” Phil teased.

“Technically this is a phone date,” Dan said walking down his street and heading towards Starbucks.

“Fine, long distance date then,” Phil laughed. “So, my Starbucks is only 5 minutes away, so just tell me when you are 5 minutes from yours and then we can get there at the same time.”

“Sure,” Dan laughed, realizing how strange what they were doing was.

“So, how’d you sleep?” Phil asked.

“Oh, pretty good,” Dan said, and then blushed remembering all the dreams he’d had of Phil.

“Did you dream of me?” Phil asked. How had he known?

“Maybe,” Dan said, blushing more.

“Ooooh, what were we doing?” Phil asked, and Dan was really glad Phil couldn’t see how red his face had turned. “Bear, you still there?”

“Yeah, sorry…we were um, just hanging out I guess,” Dan lied.

“Sure we were, I can practically hear you blushing through this phone,” Phil laughed.

“Hey!” Dan laughed. Was Phil ever going to let that slide?

“Were we holding hands?” Phil asked

“Maybe.”

“Kissing?”

“Phil!” Dan exclaimed.

“What it’s an innocent question,” Phil said.

“Do you really want to know all the things I’m thinking about you?” Dan asked, not expecting a response.

“Yes,” Phil replied and Dan rolled his eyes.

“Ugh, fine we were kissing a bit,” Dan admitted.

“Awww, how sweet, well, one day Bear,” Phil laughed.

“Um Phil,” Dan said, “I have to confess something.”

“What?”

“Well…thing is…um, I’ve never actually kissed anyone before,” Dan sighed.

“Bear, you don’t need to worry about that!”

“But-

“Don’t be silly,” Phil laughed. “That’s actually so exciting, if I get to be your first kiss,’

“Oh…I suppose…but I won’t know what to do,” Dan sighed.

“Course you will.”

“I’ll be awful.”

“I promise you won’t be.”

“How do you know?”

“Because as long as it’s you, it will be magical,” Phil giggled.

“Now you’re just being cheesy,” Dan laughed.

“It’s my first date I’m allowed to be,” Phil insisted.

“Okay,” Dan laughed. “I’m like five minutes away.”

“Great, I’m leaving now,” Phil said.

“So, you made me talk about my dreams, what about yours?” Dan insisted.

“My dreams are too crazy to even explain.”

“That’s not fair I told you mine,” Dan insisted.

“Well, okay-“ Phil started.

“But it has to include me since mine included you,” Dan interrupted.

“Well, last night I dreamt we were having dinner and I accidently poisoned you,”

“What?” Dan said.

Phil then launched into a very detailed explanation of a dream involving Phil cooking for Dan but accidently poisoning him, but somehow there was also a dog and a violin player involved. Dan had a hard time following what was going on.

“I hope this isn’t your subconscious telling you to poison me,” Dan said as he entered Starbucks.

“No I think it’s my subconscious telling me that dogs will fix all your problems,” Phil joked.

“If you say so,” Dan laughed. “Now what should I order?”

“That was not five minutes,” Phil said.

“Yeah it was!” Dan said. “You must be a slow walker.”

“Well, I was doing all the talking, hang on just give me like 30 seconds,” Phil said.

Dan looked up at the board trying to decide what to have. He rarely went to Starbucks (it wasn’t like he usually had anyone to go with) so he had no idea what most of the drinks were, let alone which were the best ones. Phil on the other hand, seemed to go once a week.

“What do you usually have?” Dan asked.

“Just depends how I’m feeling,” Phil said.

“What are you having today?” Dan asked.

“Caramel macchiato sounds pretty good today, what about you?”

“I’ll have that too,” Dan said, even though he had absolutely no idea what he was ordering. He figured it had caramel, so he’d probably like it.

“Ooh, we’re that couple with matching orders,” Phil said and Dan blushed at the word couple.

They hung up while they placed their orders, leaving Dan with a few minutes to stare around Starbucks and think to himself. What were they going to talk about once they had their drinks? What did people usually talk about on his first date? Dan was surprised to find his stomach was churning, he hadn’t expected to be nervous. Despite his earlier certainty, Dan was now worried, what if this didn’t work out? What if he made it awkward?

An employee called out Dan’s order and Dan took it and set up a table in the corner, connecting to the free Starbucks Wifi and putting on his headphones.

Dan: Ready for skype when you are

Phil: One sec :D

Dan suddenly found his nerves growing even more. His heart was racing and his palms were sweating. He fixed his hair in his laptop reflection and sat up straight. Did he look okay? He tried to remind himself Phil already knew what he looked like, but he could still feel himself shaking. He was trying to adjust his screen to the best angle when Phil’s call came through.

“Hi!” Phil said excitedly when Dan answered the skype call. If he thought his heart was racing before, it was nothing compared to how it felt now. Had Phil become even more beautiful over night? His hair looked perfect and his smile was so gorgeous Dan nearly fell of his seat. He was wearing a new blue t-shirt which made Phil’s eyes look even bluer than normal. Dan was going to have a hard time not getting lost in them.

“Aww, Bear, you look so beautiful today!” Phil said and Dan blushed.

“You do too,” Dan replied, “I really like your shirt.”

“Thanks, I’ve been saving it for a special occasion,” Phil said cheekily.

“Wow, I hope I’m special enough,” Dan said, taking a sip of his drink.

“To be honest I think this shirt isn’t special enough,” Phil laughed and Dan blushed.

“There’s that blush,” Phil giggled.

“No! Are you always going to point it out now?’ Dan sighed.

“Well, seeing as it makes you blush more, probably,’ Phil laughed.

“Great,” Dan said sarcastically.

“So, do you like your drink?” Phil asked, sipping his.

“Yeah, it’s great,” Dan said, taking another mouthful and enjoying the delicious caramel flavour.

“Oh, good, I picked this one because I thought you’d like it,” Phil smiled.

“Wait, what?” Dan said. “I thought you wanted this one.

“Well I figured you’d copy me, and I wanted you to like it” Phil shrugged.

“Hey!” Dan laughed. “I hardly come here, so I didn’t know what to get!” 

“I know,” Phil laughed.

They fell into a silence and Dan felt himself beginning to worry. They sat in silence all the time and it was never uncomfortable, but this was a date. Dan frantically began trying to think of conversations. What could Dan ask Phil that he didn’t already know?

“Oh my gosh,” Phil smiled. “I’m sitting by the window and a dog just sat down at the table outside. Look! It’s so cute!” Phil shifted his laptop so Dan could see the dog too. It was very blurry, but Dan could make out a small fluffy dog wagging its tail.

“Aww,’ Dan smiled, as Phil shifted his laptop back.

“Oh, I love dogs, I wish I could have one,” Phil sighed.

“Yeah, me too,” Dan said.

“My grandparents used to bring their dog over when I was younger,” Phil smiled, and began talking about the dog, as well as a whole lot of other pets he used to have and all the memories he had with his family taking care of them. Phil looked so happy talking about his family, his eyes seemed to light up and he kept laughing at his own stories. Dan felt his heart racing just watching Phil talk. He was so animated and vibrant when sharing stories, Dan couldn’t stop smiling. At times like this it still seemed strange that Phil could see him too, and this wasn’t just another AmazingPhil video. It was strange to think he had spent so long admiring Phil, and now here he was on a date with him. How was he so lucky?

“What about you, did you have many pets?” Phil asked, moving his empty mug to the side and putting his hand under his chin.

“Well,” Dan laughed. “I had a hamster called Suki, but,” Dan recalled the story of how he spent all his money on his hamster before it ran away. “Of course, I chose _that_  hamster,” Dan sighed.

“Oh, that’s so sad” Phil frowned. “Well, I used to breed hamsters!” Phil said excitedly.

“What? You actually bred hamsters? Man, I couldn’t even look after one,” Dan said and Phil laughed.

“We had 15 at one point their names were Phoebe, Norris, Kevin, Barry, Buffy, Spike, Tom, Jerry, Treacle, Badger, Snowball, Lucy, Winston, Mouse and Fluff.” Phil finished proudly.

“You had a hamster called Mouse?”

“There were 13 babies it was hard to come up with names!”

“How on earth do you remember them all?”

“Well, you better remember too because I’m going to be quizzing you on them all later,” Phil said.

“You better be joking.”  

“Yeah it’s for my end of date quiz to see if you passed the date,” Phil joked.

“Well, no second date for you then,” Dan joked and Phil frowned.

“Okay, I’ll pass you on the grounds that you looked really cute even if you weren’t paying attention,”

“Hey! It’s not my fault you had so many pets,”  

“Never a dog though,” Phil sighed. “Although my rabbit Hollie was practically a dog, she used to stand up on two feet to get food,”

“Dogs don’t do that!”

“Yeah, some do!”

“Whatever,” Dan laughed and Phil smiled. “I still can’t believe you had that many hamsters.”

“Oh it was great, they used to all run around me while I played video games,” Phil laughed.

“Aww, that’s actually really cute,” Dan smiled.

“Me or the hamsters,” Phil said cheekily and Dan rolled his eyes.

“I miss those hamsters,” Phil sighed. “I can’t even play bubble bobble without thinking of them all,”

“What’s bubble bobble?” Dan asked.

“You don’t know what bubble bobble is!” Phil exclaimed. “Oh my gosh, it’s like the best game ever, we have to play it some time together.” 

“Um, okay.’ Dan laughed.

“We have to it’s like my childhood in a video game.” Phil smiled. “What video games did you first play?” 

“Oh,” Dan couldn’t help but smile as he recalled all his favourite old video games. Dan didn’t usually find it so easy to talk about his childhood but with Phil he felt like he could talk forever. Phil had a way of making Dan feel like everything he said was right. He laughed at every joke Dan attempted, and even when he wasn’t trying to be funny. He had a hand under his chin, and looked at Dan with such genuine interest, it made Dan’s heart flutter so much sometimes he had to look away just to be able to concentrate on what he was talking about. 

Their conversations progressed to all their old favourite television shows, and Dan couldn’t believe how quickly the time passed. Dan was shocked to see they’d been talking for two hours. Their conversations had flowed so well; Dan couldn’t believe he had been worried that it would be hard to talk to Phil on this date. In contrast, Dan found their conversations even more enjoyable, as he was no longer worried about what would happen if Phil found out he liked him. He didn’t have to pause to make sure he didn’t sound like he was flirting, and he didn’t have to wonder whether Phil’s compliments meant he liked Dan. Now, their conversations felt like they were set to a beat only they could hear. They had this undeniable rhythm and filled Dan with such energy. Despite being hundreds of kilometres away he felt incredibly close to Phil, it felt like they were linked somehow, even though they’d never even touched. He wasn’t sure how it was possible, but after this Starbucks date, Dan was even more in love with Phil.

“Hey, you look lost in thought,” Phil pointed out.

“Oh what, sorry,” Dan blushed.

“Don’t worry I was thinking about you too, it’s hard not too when you’re just so,” Phil paused.

“So what?” Dan smiled wondering what compliment Phil was going to come up with.

“Well, so you I guess,” Phil smiled.

“Er, thanks?” Dan laughed.

“I just love you so much,” Phil said softly.

“Aw, I love you too,” Dan smiled. How was he so lucky?

“Well, my laptop’s running out of battery,” Phil sighed. “So I guess we better head off?”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, remembering where they were. His eyes flicked up and took in the scene. He’d been so engaged in talking to Phil he hadn’t noticed how busy the cafe had become. “It’s getting crowded anyway” Dan said, looking at the large amount of people waiting for their drinks.

Suddenly Dan spotted someone who made his heart stop. If felt like all the warmth was being drained from his body. Even with his back to Dan, Dan would recognise that figure anywhere.

“No,” Dan whispered. No, he couldn’t be here. This was his date with Phil. This couldn’t be happening. Dan felt himself starting to shake.

“Bear, what’s wrong, are you okay?” Phil asked, concern in his voice. Dan shook his head. He was not okay.

“He’s here,” he whispered, trying not to cry.

“Who?” Phil asked.

“Ryan,” Dan whispered.

“Oh my god,” Phil said, eyes opening wide. “It’s okay, it will be okay. Here’s what were going to do. You’re going to close your laptop and pack up your things. Remember to breathe, Bear’ Phil said, and Dan reminded himself to breathe deeper. “You’re going to call me on your phone and walk out of here. Don’t look at him, don’t engage in any conversation.”

Dan heard Phil’s words, but he felt frozen to the spot. What would happen if Ryan saw him?

“I feel sick,” Dan said, imaging how brutal Ryan would be without the threat of rules or punishments to stop him.

“That’s okay,” Phil said softly. “How about you quickly pack up your things, and call me, and then we’ll walk out quickly without looking in his direction, come on, Bear, you can do this,’ Phil said.

Dan couldn’t’ take his eyes off Ryan. How long it would it be before he noticed Dan? Should Dan hide under a table?

“Just pack up you’re things and walk out,” Phil said more urgently, “Dan now.” Phil said, and Dan suddenly became very alert. He ended the skype call and stuffed his stuff in his bag, and began walking as quickly as he could out of the café. Why did there have to be so many tables? Why had he chosen a seat at the back?

Dan remembered Phil telling him to call him and dialled his number. He picked up straight away.

“It’s okay, come on, don’t speak or he might hear you, just keep walking and once you are out of Starbucks you’re going to tell me okay? Don’t look,” Phil said but Dan couldn’t stop looking. He was scared if he looked away Ryan would suddenly jump on him or something.

“Just keep walking,” Phil said. Dan kept walking. It felt like the door was still forever away. Dan glanced at Ryan. Oh no, Ryan was getting his drink. Phil’s voice was in his ear telling him to keep walking. He reached the door. Ryan turned around. _No. No. No._  Dan silently begged. _Please no_. Dan kept his eyes on the floor as he opened the door and left. Had Ryan noticed him? Was he going to follow him out? Dan walked past the window. He kept walking. He looked behind him. Ryan wasn’t following. He reached the end of the street and glanced back.

“Oh thank goodness,” Dan sighed with relief as he turned the corner.

“You made it?”  Phil asked.

“Yes, I just turned onto another street,” Dan sighed.

“Are you okay? You looked like you’d seen a ghost,” Phil said.

“I’d welcome a ghost any day over him, I swear if he had seen me.” Dan shuddered.  He didn’t want to think about what might have happened.

“Well, let’s just be glad he didn’t,” Phil said.

“Of all the fucking times,” Dan said angrily. “Why today, why now?”

“Hey it’s okay,” Phil said gently.

“Sorry, I feel like I just ruined the end of the date,” Dan sighed. Why did Ryan have to ruin everything?

“Of course not! We were there for hours and we had a lovely time, we’re lucky he wasn’t there until the end.”

“I really don’t call that lucky.”

“I know, but we were leaving anyway. So, let’s just remember how lovely all our conversations were and all the times we laughed okay?”

“Okay,” Dan smiled.

“And now we’re going to go home and play some video games,” Phil said.

“Yeah, what are we playing?” Dan asked.

“I don’t know what do you want to play?”

“Well it has to be something we can battle each other online, and something we both have,” Dan said.

“Okay, let me look through my collection,” Phil had arrived back at his room and was now reading out titles to Dan. By the time they settled on Halo 3 Dan had already arrived home. He got his laptop out of his bag and called Phil on Skype again.

“Yay I can see you again!” Phil laughed. “Time to play!”

“Hang, on let me just set up Halo,” Dan said, as he plugged in his console. They got everything set up and began playing.  Dan had never actually played video games with anyone else before. He’d played online before, but it was a completely different experience playing with Phil next to him. (Well, with Phil on skype open next to him.) Rather than actually concentrating on winning, Phil seemed to pour most of his efforts into trying to distract Dan.

“Don’t do that you little weasel,” Phil said, as Dan ran around the corner.

“What,” Dan laughed. “Stop these weird names you’re distracting me.”

“Well you keep distracting me by laughing.”

“You keep making me laugh,” Dan laughed.

“Stop it you Bulbasaur,” Phil said.

“What? Phil this isn’t Pokemon! No!” Dan groaned as Phil attacked him.  

“HA! I got you,” Phil laughed.

“Yeah because I was so confused by you calling me a Bulbasaur,” Dan said defensively.

“Well I quite like Bulbasaur they’re like little houseplants with legs-“

“Phil! Shut up!”

“What’s your favourite Pokémon?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know, I’m concentrating.”

“There’s so many now there’s like 400, I can’t keep up.”

“Well try and keep up with this battle instead,” Dan suggested.

“I can’t you’re like a freaking ninja.”

“Phil, all this shooting is hardly silent.”

“Well you’re a loud ninja then.”

“NINJA’S ARE QUIET.”

“Unlike you,” Phil teased.

“What, that’s only because you keep making me yell,” Dan complained.

“Hey, I’m just concentrating on the game.”

“You have a strange definition of concentrating.”

“Well, I guess I’m just too good for you.”

“Phil I’ve won every round,” Dan laughed as the end screen came up.

“Well, that might be what it looks like, but I got to hear you laugh a lot, so who’s the real winner here,”

“Me, because I was actually playing the game.”

“I was playing too,” Phil insisted.

“Well then you’ll admit I beat you!” Dan said.

“Well that was just because I’m out of practice,” Phil insisted.

“Phil, I haven’t played this game in months,” Dan laughed putting down the controller, and looking at Phil on his laptop screen, “I wasn’t even trying that hard.”

“Don’t say that!” Phil pouted. “Well, I haven’t played this game in months either. I used to be a lot better, but I’m out of practice because now I just spend all my spare time talking to you,”

“Yeah…what did I used to do before we talked so much?” Dan wondered aloud.

“Watch my videos,” Phil teased and Dan blushed.

“Well what did you used to do?” Dan asked trying to change the topic.

“Uh…I don’t know,” Phil laughed. “I mean, well I mean a lot of the time on skype I do stuff I would do anyway like eating and homework. Well, I spent more time socialising, but I really don’t miss that. I used to play more video games and watch more tv I guess,”

“Now I feel kind of bad for taking up all your time,” Dan sighed.

“No! Don’t! I’d much rather be with you,” Phil smiled. “Although, I really need to call my parents, I haven’t skype them in so long they keep texting me to ask if I’m okay,”

“Phil,” Dan sighed. “You can always tell me to go away if you want to call parents.”

“I just keep forgetting, I guess I’m just thinking about you too much,” Phil laughed.

“But Phil, I mean it, like I’m never going to be offended if you want to skype less to hang out with some of your other friends.”

“Nah, I see them in classes and stuff. And they’re usually around when I’m cooking dinner at 2 in the afternoon so I can eat with you in our skype calls. Everybody keeps asking who I’m talking to,” Phil smirked.

“How do they know?” Dan asked.

“Well they can kind of hear me through the walls a bit,” Phil shrugged.

“Oh right…what do you tell them?” Dan asked.

“Um…I tell them it’s just a friend, but I don’t think anyone really believes me,” Phil laughed.

“Well, I am your friend,” Dan said.

“Actually Bear,” Phil smiled. “I want to ask you something.”

“What?” Dan said, nerves suddenly growing.

“Well, I had a really great time with you today,” Phil looked down and blushed. “Um, like I think this has been the best day I’ve had in a really long time…um, so I guess I was wondering, I mean I know we’re kind of already dating but, um, would we be able to like, be boyfriends?” Phil looked up.

“Oh, yes, oh my god, yes,” Dan laughed.

“Yay! This is great! You’re my boyfriend now, wow.”

“I guess you’re my boyfriend,” Dan said, smiling at how the word boyfriend sounded. Dan’s heart couldn’t help but fluttering; Phil was his boyfriend. He was Phil’s boyfriend.

“Well, thanks for agreeing to go on this Skype date thing,” Phil laughed. “I know it’s a bit of a weird date-“

“No Phil, it was perfect,” Dan said.

“Oh!” Phil looked delighted.

“I honestly had the best time,” Dan laughed.

“Yay, I’m so happy! I had the best time too! I can’t wait to do this again!” Phil laughed.

“But we’ll still skype like normal after school, tomorrow right?” Dan asked. He hoped these skype dates wouldn’t replace their usual calls.

“Yeah, of course! Well, we should probably end the date there, I think you’ll probably have to have dinner soon, and I promised my parents I’d call this weekend,” Phil sighed. “But we’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Awesome,” Dan smiled. “Well, thanks for the date, Phil,”

“Aww, thank you for the date, Bear,”

“Well, bye,” Dan waved.

“Bye!” Phil waved. “Thanks for the best day!”

“It really was,” Dan smiled as Phil ended the call. He was pretty sure it had been the best day of his life.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took longer than normal!   
> I hope you enjoy it :) (Well the Phil parts, Ryan is awful)

Dan groaned as the sound of his alarm blaring pulled him out of a wonderful dream of being on a real date with Phil by his side. He put his alarm on snooze and tried to return the feeling of Phil’s hand in his, until it suddenly dawned on him that he had to go to school. The realisation that he had to go to boring classes, endure people laughing at him all day, and mostly just face Ryan, made him feel sick to his stomach. Dan cringed as the memory of Friday afternoon at school surfaced in his mind, remembering Ryan’s gleeful face as Dan threw up in the middle of the library then ran out. Dan knew Ryan would make sure he didn’t forget it anytime soon.  Out of nowhere Dan started crying. How was he meant to get through the whole week?

Dan was panicking as he got dressed for school. What was Ryan going to say? Was he going to bring up the comments again? Dan dreaded the mention of Phil’s name. Why did they have to know about him? He wished Phil could just be his happy little secret. Oh no, what had Ryan told everyone else happened in the library? He doubted he’d been truthful, what other rumors was he spreading about Dan?

Dan checked the time and smiled when he saw he had enough time to text Phil. 

 

_Dan:_ Phil I’m scared to go to school, how am I meant to survive the whole week?

_Phil:_ It will be okay, just focus on today for now

_Dan:_ Today is going to be awful

_Phil:_ But at least you can come home and we can Skype ^_^

_Dan:_ I still have a day of horror to get through first

_Phil:_ Well, you’ve been able to get through so many other days, so I know you can get through this one! :)

  _Dan:_ Yeah but the last time I was at school I threw up on the library floor and ran out and as far as Ryan knows I’m still freaking out about the comments  

_Phil:_ Oh yeah…I’m so sorry, I feel so awful :( :( :(

_Dan:_ The throwing up wasn’t your fault, it was Ryan  

_Phil:_ I still feel bad

_Dan:_ What do I say when he says something?

_Phil:_ He might not

_Dan_ : Phil this is Ryan we’re talking about

_Phil:_ I need to tell you something, can I call you?

_Dan:_ Well, yeah, but I have to leave for school soon though

_Phil:_ Oooh, can I walk you to school?

_Dan:_ Sure, hang on just let me leave the house first

  _Phil:_ Yay I get to walk my boyfriend to school! ^_^

 

Dan almost rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile at the word boyfriend. It still hadn’t really sunk in yet.  _Phil was his boyfriend._ He grabbed his stuff and locked the door, smiling as he began his walk to school and called Phil.

 “Hey Bear,” Phil said brightly as he answered Dan’s call.

 “Hey,” Dan said, smiling wider at the sound of Phil’s voice. “How are you today?” 

“Well I’m pretty happy to hear your lovely voice,” Phil said. “But I’m sad because I have to tell you that Ryan left another comment,” Phil sighed.

“No,” Dan groaned.

“I’m sorry to tell you on your way to school but I thought you needed to know,” Phil said sadly.

“No, I, I mean, thanks.” Dan stammered. “What did it say?” 

“Oh, just the usual stuff. Called me a bunch of names, called you a bunch of names, and um you know…same kind of stuff he said in the Friday one…” Phil said quickly. Oh no, Phil sounded sad too. He hated Ryan even more, it was bad enough that he treated Dan like shit, but Phil too? Phil didn’t deserve that. He hated that Ryan knew about Phil because of Dan. Poor Phil.

 “Are you okay?” Dan asked but Phil just laughed.

 “Oh, you’re so sweet, I’m fine, I’m just worried for you,” Phil said gently.

 “Oh,” Dan said. 

“I mean, sure it’s annoying, but I’m just sad he always treats you like this,” Phil said.

 “What am I meant to do about him? He’s never going to leave me alone. I’m fucking doomed forever,” Dan said angrily.

 “Not forever, because one day you’ll finish school and you’ll never have to see him again,” Phil said.

“But how I am meant to survive the rest of this year and all of next year, I feel like throwing up every second I’m at school, like I’m constantly panicking just thinking about what he will do next” Dan said, feeling his nerves growing at just the thought of Ryan. Phil was silent. “Phil, are you still there?”  
  
“Oh…oh sorry,” Phil sniffed. Oh no, had he been crying?  
  
“Phil it’s okay,” Dan said, hearing Phil sob into the phone.   
  
“Why are you comforting me?” Phil let out a small laugh.

“Because I could tell you were crying,” Dan said. “I’m fine, Phil.”  
  
“But you’re not,” Phil said sadly.

“I am Phil. I just get scared of what he’s going to do next,” Dan sighed.

 “Is that what happened yesterday?” Phil asked tentatively.

 “What do you mean?” Dan asked.

 “Well…you sort of froze a little,” Phil said slowly.

“Oh..yeah,” Dan sighed remembering how terrified he’d been when he’d seen Ryan in Starbucks.

 “I didn’t want to ask while we were still on our nice date,” Phil began. “But what like...what were you thinking?”

“Oh…I guess I was just worried what he would do if he saw me,” Dan sighed.

 “He seems like a scary guy,” Phil said sadly.

 “That’s an understatement,” Dan laughed. “But, come to think of it I didn’t really get a chance to thankyou, like Phil, for just like talking me through it. Your voice and your words, you’re honestly so comforting and all.”

 Phil laughed. “Well, I’m glad. I guess…I used to get scared like that a lot too, so I was only saying the things that would have helped me. I’m glad they helped you too. But I know it’s so hard being that scared.”

“Yeah, school’s a freaking torture zone,” Dan sighed.

 “I wish I could help more,” Phil said.

 “You help so much, Phil.” Dan said.

“But I wish I could give you a set of instructions that would make him just leave you alone.”

“Well, I don’t think they exist.”

“No…people like that are impossible to predict,” Phil sighed. “You’ve just got to stay brave, Bear, and know that no matter what happens at school, you are incredible, okay?”

“Well, my boyfriend thinks so,” Dan smirked.

 “Well, do you value his opinion?” Phil asked cheekily.

 “I don’t know, we’ve only been on one date so it’s hard to tell,” Dan said.

 “Hey!” Phil exclaimed.

 “I’m joking! Honestly, your opinion is the only one I care about.”

“Exactly, so you know whatever they say at school is rubbish. But anyway..speaking of dates, I was wondering if I could take you on another date on Friday night?”

“Yeah you can,” Dan smiled.

“So your parents won’t be home will they?”

“Why?” Dan said nervously.

“Oh, don’t worry! I just was hoping we could use your dinner table and obviously it would be easier that they weren’t around.”

“Oh yeah, that’d be a fun conversation, here’s Phil, my boyfriend from the internet.” Dan said sarcastically. “But, yeah, they’ll be out.”

“Great! And you haven’t moved since you gave me your address?”

“No,” Dan said slowly. “Why? Besides, you would have noticed!”

 “Just checking. I have a surprise planned. Although, don’t get your hopes to high…it’s not me actually coming..”

“I wish!” Dan sighed.

 “One day…but you’ll still like this.”

“Does it involve people coming to my house?”

“Probably a delivery guy,” Phil said. “But don’t worry I’ll give you plenty of warning.”

“Okay,” Dan smiled. “I’m excited.”

“You should be!”

“Well I um, better get to school,” Dan sighed. He wished he could stand talking to Phil all day.

 “Good luck today,” Phil said.

 “Thanks, I’ll skype you when I get home?” 

“I can’t wait!” 

“I really hope you have a nice day today,” Dan said.

“Aww thanks, love you Bear,” Phil said. 

“You too,” Dan smiled and hung up.

Dan felt his anxiety growing as he walked the last few blocks to school. These days, just the thought of Ryan was enough to make him feel light headed. Dan tried to focus on imagining his date with Phil on Friday night, but it was hard as the school gates became closer and closer. As he approached them, Dan groaned, of course, Ryan was there to greet him.

 “Morning pukeface,” Ryan snickered as he walked through the gates. Dan didn’t respond and tried to settle his pounding heart.

 “Spent the whole weekend crying over the comments?” Ryan laughed, following behind Dan as usual.

 Dan felt himself begin to shake. Ryan had no idea how much he’d cried over those comments. God, he’d nearly lost Phil because of those comments. He hadn’t though, he reminded himself. Even better, Phil was now his boyfriend.

 “I’m sure Phil cries at all of them too,” Ryan said. Dan tried to remind himself that Phil was okay, but he was filled with such anger. It wasn’t fair that Ryan was awful to Phil. Dan clenched his fist and let out a puff of air.

 “I’m guessing that’s a yes,” Ryan sniggered as they passed into the school corridors.  _“_ I can’t believe you actually threw up over those comments, you’re such a fucking loser.” Now they were in the corridors, a few people laughed, and added their own insults into the mix. 

Maybe they were right…Dan was weak, why couldn’t he just control his emotions like everyone else? Why did he have to throw up in the library? He felt like such an idiot. He tried to focus on getting to his locker, but Ryan grabbed his shirt and stopped him

 “You’re nothing but a piece of shit,” Ryan said into his face, and suddenly Dan felt like he was drowning. Everyone was laughing. His heart was pounding. So many people were crowding around him. He felt like he was going to faint. Ryan was still holding his shirt and hurling abuse at him. He wanted to cry. He was so scared, what if Ryan hurt him? Awful names were flying everywhere. He wanted to disappear. He heard Phil’s name and wanted to cry even more. He wished they didn’t know about Phil. He wanted to throw up again.

Suddenly the school bell rang and the crowd around him seemed to be spinning. He wasn’t sure at what point Ryan had let go of his shirt, but it was completely crinkled so he must have been holding on pretty tight. Dan’s mind was a mess. What had just happened? Had he nearly fainted?

Dan took a few moments to restore his breathing, mind going over the scene of everyone yelling and laughing at him. Why did everyone hate him so much? Maybe Ryan was right…Dan was nothing. Perhaps it was probably only a matter of time before Phil realised that too.

Dan couldn’t concentrate in any of his classes that morning. He felt so drained from panicking so much, he wished he could just go home. Recess arrived and Dan slipped his phone into his pocket and dashed to the bathroom. He locked himself in a cubicle, so no one could see or insult him anymore. It smelt awful, but it was better than the people.

  _Phil:_ Lost (now we’re boyfriends I have a whole new set of words <3)

 Despite Dan’s mood he couldn’t help but laugh.

  _Dan:_ just realised, these are going to turn into cheesy love things and pick up lines aren’t they

  _Phil:_ You bet they are :D

 Dan smiled, of course Phil would never think Dan was nothing. Why had he let Ryan make him think that? Although even with Phil..he had to admit..he still felt like maybe he was nothing.

_Dan:_ Let me guess, you’re lost in my eyes or something

_Phil:_ I wish! Right now I’m just lost because I don’t know how to spend my time without you

_Dan:_ Don’t you have class?

_Phil:_ Don’t you!

_Dan:_ Nah it’s recess what’s your excuse

_Phil:_ I’m in a lecture they won’t notice, how’s school? :(

_Dan:_ Awful awful awful :(

  _Phil:_ :( *hug* Remember they are the jerks and none of their words are true, they mean nothing, okay?

  _Dan:_ I feel like I’m nothing

  _Phil:_ NO DON’T SAY THAT OR IM GOING TO START CRYING IN THIS LECTURE THEATRE :( :( :( :( :(

PLEASE DON’T BELIEVE THAT OR THEM!!!!! YOU ARE SO MUCH! JUST READ THE THOUSANDS OF WORDS I’VE SENT YOU!!!!

 Dan: sorry, just having a bad morning :(

 Phil: :( I feel so sad I’m crying

Dan: Me too :(

Phil: Bear, read all my messages again, and you’ll see how amazing you are

Dan: You’re the amazing one

Phil: Exactly, I’m AmazingPhil so I would know! The people who call you names and make you feel so bad…they are wrong! I need you to tell me this! Tell me you know the things they say are wrong.

Dan: I do know sometimes it just feels like what they say is true…

Phil: I know that’s why they are so awful..I want it to never feel that way :( You like me right?

Dan: Phil I love you

Phil: Then believe me! Not them!

Dan: I’m trying but it’s hard

Phil: Of course it is, that’s why I need to keep reminding you how special you are 

  
Dan: Thanks, I don’t know what I would do without you

Phil: <3 <3 <3

Dan: Well, I better go…sorry to interrupt your education again

Phil: You’re so much more important

Dan: Oh thanks, sorry to make you cry again too

Phil: It’s okay, I just want you to be ok

Dan: Thanks <3

The rest of the day was almost just as bad as the morning. After Ryan had seen how much he could affect Dan, it was almost like he was going to extra effort to do it again. Everyone else seemed in on it too. It didn’t matter where he stepped or what class he was in, someone was there to whisper something nasty, or ask if his shoulder was healed (which it wasn’t, thanks to their continuous punching.) 

He tried not to cry on his walk home. He didn’t how to tell Phil what had happened. Not that Phil would judge…Phil would just be so sad. He hated to make Phil sad, even if he knew Phil was only sad because he cared so much about Dan.

They started skyping and Dan cried again as he told Phil what happened.

 “Are there any teachers you could talk to about this?” Phil asked and Dan shook his head.

“No, if I do Ryan will know and it will just be even worse,” Dan sobbed.

“But…Bear…it scares me how much they are hurting you,” Phil frowned.

“There’s nothing I can do about it.”

“But a teacher might be able to stop Ryan.”

“I already said it will just make things worse.”

“Well..” Phil sighed, and Dan hated to see he was crying now too. “I think things already are getting worse…”

“I know,” Dan cried. “But…”

“I know it’s scary, but if the teachers knew they could help you.”

“But they hear it and they do nothing! They don’t care unless they see someone get punched.”

“But you do get punched!”

“It’s not like I can prove it,” Dan said.

“Well, I’m not about to ask you to show me your bruise again, but I’m imagining it’s pretty fucking bad.’

“So what, I just have to deal with it,” Dan said.

“No you don’t!” Phil said. “If you tell someone then Ryan could get suspended or something!”

“Yeah, and then he’ll come back angrier than ever.”

“But they’ll keep a better eye on him then,”

“No they won’t my schools a shithouse Phil,” Dan said bitterly.

“I’m sorry,” Phil sighed.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t mean to sound so angry,”

“Of course, your angry,” Phil said gently.

“Yeah, but not at you!”

“I know. But Bear…look I understand that you don’t want to tell anyone. But if it gets any worse, I think you have to.”

“Phil-“

“I’m serious, I wanted to say this to you on the weekend…but, well we were a little distracted but…” Phil sighed. “I think this is getting out of hand.”

“It’s been out of hand for months,” Dan groaned.

“Exactly. Look, can you just think about it? Theoretically, if there was someone you would tell, who would it be?”

“You.”

“Well I’m not exactly the adult authority figure you need, and I live a bit far away.” 

“There’s no one else.”

“What about your parents.”

“No.”

“I know they’re not around but I think they still care,” Phil said.

“They do, but I can’t admit this to them, Phil. What are they going to think of me?”

“I understand, I didn’t tell my parents either, because I was so embarrassed. But they really surprised me when I told them…like my Dad, I thought he was going to tell me I should have manned up but he… he was actually crying when I told him.”

“Oh, wow,” Dan said.

“It actually...telling them made us a lot closer. I know my relationship with my parents, is different to yours. But they might surprise you. I’m happy to help you think of ways of how to tell them, if you want.”

“Um,” Dan muttered.

“Bear, you don’t have to tell me now, just think about it, okay?”

“Ok.” Dan nodded. “I will.”

 Dan did think about it over the rest of the week. Every punch and insult reminded him that Phil was right…things were only getting worse. However, Dan just didn’t see how telling his parents would help. It wasn’t like they could make Ryan stop. And if they did contact the school, what were the school going to do about it? Ryan wasn’t the type to worry about punishments, in contrast they would probably just make him more determined to hurt Dan. It was like every time Ryan saw how much he could upset Dan, he saw it as a challenge to try upset him more. Still..maybe he should tell his parents. They would want to know about something like this. Maybe, he could ask Phil what he could say. Theoretically. 

Through all of this Dan couldn’t feel more grateful Phil was in his life. Without Phil…he couldn’t imagine how he could do anything without his support. Phil was always so kind in their skype calls and still sent him messages every day. He taken to spending every recess in the bathroom stalls texting Phil, just to help him get through the day. 

_Phil:_ Butterfly

_Dan:_ You make me see butterflies?

_Phil:_ Wow thanks! 

_Dan:_ THAT WAS GUESS

_Phil:_ Well, I was going to say you give me butterflies  _εїз_

_Dan:_ What on earth is that 3 thing at the end  

_Phil:_ A butterfly!  _εїз  εїз  εїз_

_Phil:_ Pancakes

_Dan:_ Well go make some then

_Phil:_ I’d rather you than pancakes

_Dan:_ Wow, I’m flattered

_Phil:_ Flattered is such a funny word! It’s like flat but not! And pancakes are flat! Haha!

_Dan:_ I love you

_Phil:_ Heart <3

_Dan:_ It’s going to be something really cheesy

_Phil:_ Depends on what you call cheesy  

_Dan:_ You make my heart beat really fast

_Phil:_ Good guess but nope

_Dan:_ That wasn’t a guess ;)

_Phil:_ Oh! <3 Well, you make my heart beat really fast too

_Dan:_ What were you going to say

_Phil:_ You stole my heart

_Dan:_ Good thing you have mine to keep you going

_Phil:_ Look who’s cheesy now!

Even with Phil’s messages, school was harder than ever. Dan was nearly in tears multiple times a day. He spent every lunchtime at the table with the people who didn’t care, trying to ignore all the verbal abuse yelled across the cafeteria. Dan’s school inbox was now filled with hate emails from Ryan. He deleted them, but he couldn’t help but see as few things they said as he did so. His shoulder was a mess and Dan wasn’t sure it would ever heal. He was constantly aching from all the punching, and he was terrified just how far Ryan would go. If he let himself even start worrying, he felt like he was going to throw up and faint all at once. Phil was right...he couldn’t deal with this on his own much longer. He needed some help. 

But in the meantime, to cope, Dan had decided every time he came across a worrying thought he’d try to focus his attention on his date with Phil on Friday. It worked well, since he was so excited for the date. Sure, it was just another Skype call, but he couldn’t wait to see what Phil’s surprise was. He’d also decided to tell Phil on his date that he was going to tell someone and get help with the whole Ryan situation. He knew Phil would be proud of him so he was excited to tell him. 

When it was finally time to walk home from school on Friday, Dan simply felt elated. One more week of hell down. One more week of insults and punches behind him. The whole weekend without Ryan or anyone else tearing him down. Best of all, it was finally time for his date with Phil.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update will be much sooner! I've drafted it so it should be up in a couple days :)


	16. Chapter 16

When Dan arrived home, he found himself oddly nervous for his date. What was Phil planning tonight? Dan showered and spent half an hour trying to decide what to wear. He wished he owned cooler clothes, everything he owned was so boring. He knew he shouldn’t be so worried, Phil wouldn’t be, but at the same time he just wanted Phil to think he looked nice.

 _Dan_ : What’s the dresscode for our date?

 _Phil_ : I don’t know..whatever you like! :D

 _Dan_ : Pyjamas :)

 _Phil_ : Clothes Bear

 _Dan_ : Joking Phil  

 _Phil_ : Well, hey if you really want

 _Dan_ : Is a plain black t-shirt too casual

 _Phil_ : I don’t mind what you wear! Whatever you feel comfortable in :)

 _Dan_ : but I want you to think I look nice

 _Phil_ : I always think you look nice! :D

 _Dan_ : But it’s date

 _Phil_ : Bear, you always look beautiful to me, okay?

 _Dan_ : ok :)  

 Dan put on his t-shirt and started straightening his hair. His features seemed so plain and boring…he’d had people calling him ugly more times than he could remember. His hair always looked awful no matter how hard he tried with it. But hearing Phil say he looked beautiful, well, it made him feel like….maybe he didn’t look like trash after all.  After checking his hair would stay flat for a fourth time, Dan text Phil.

Dan: I’m ready for our date, where does it start?

Phil: Your longue probably, or just any nice seated area :)

Dan: okay, couch it is

Dan moved into the living area, set his laptop down on the coffee table. He adjusted his hair one more time, sat up straight and called Phil.

“Hi!” Phil said excitedly, “you look hot.”  

Dan blushed. How did Phil always do this to him? “Feels like my face is pretty hot now too.” 

“Sure is,” Phil winked.

“That was the worst wink I’ve ever seen,” Dan laughed. “But you look great too.” Phil, as always, looked stunning in the colored plaid shirt he’d picked out. Dan’s heart was racing just looking at him.  

“Aww thanks,” Phil laughed. “Well, it’s nice to see a different part of your house!” 

“Yeah, my thrilling living room,” Dan said as he panned the camera around the room.

“Where are you?” Dan asked, noticing Phil was in a chair he didn’t recognise.

“Well, I couldn’t have our date in my living room because there are always people around…so I bought this armchair upstairs.”

“How the hell did you get that upstairs?” Dan exclaimed.

“I had some friends help me,” Phil giggled.

“Oh my god, Phil,” Dan laughed, “you’re lucky you didn’t hurt yourself.”

“I wanted our date to be special!”

“Yeah, nothing says special like breaking your back pulling a chair upstairs.”

“Well I didn’t!” Phil laughed. “Anyway, it’s date time.”

“So, what’s the plan?”

“Well,” Phil grinned excitedly. “I really wanted to play some Board Games, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it work over Skype but then,” Phil smiled. “I found some online scrabble.”  
  
“Okay, but I have to warn you,” Dan smiled. “I’m pretty great at scrabble.”    
  
“We’ll see,” Phil laughed. “Although, I was testing it out earlier and it is a bit annoying because it won’t accept a lot of my words.”  
  
“What, your made up words?” Dan teased.

“Hey!” Phil laughed.

They set up the scrabble game and put their laptops on split screen so they could still see each other while they played. Phil wasn’t bad at scrabble, but unfortunately for him, Dan seemed to be having incredible luck with the letters he was getting.

“Did you hack this game to get all the letters you need?” Phil pouted after about an hour of playing.

 “Yeah, definitely,” Dan laughed, “that’s how I could do this.” Dan put down a z on a triple letter score to complete a word.

 “No!” Phil said and Dan laughed.

 “How are you so good at this!” Phil groaned.

“I’m not Phil, you know Scrabbles half about luck, right?”

“I wanted to win,” Phil sighed.

“Too bad, Philly,” Dan laughed. “Although we haven’t actually finished yet.”

“You’ve already thrashed me,” Phil said. “Besides it’s nearly dinner time,” Phil smiled.

 “What are you having for dinner?” Dan asked.

 “Well, Bear, you don’t even know what you’re having for dinner,” Phil smiled cheekily.

 “Wait, did you?” Dan began to ask, but Phil interrupted.

 “I ordered you some take-out!” Phil smiled. “That’s why I needed your address.”

 “Phil!” Dan laughed. Phil had ordered him dinner? “Oh my god, Phil! This is so exciting!”

“Well, we always have dinner together, so I had to take it up a notch,” Phil laughed. “Besides, you always complain about your microwaved meals, and on a real date I’d take you out for dinner but um...this was the closest I could do,” Phil said.

“Phil! Argh, you’re the best!” Dan laughed, he couldn’t wait for the meal. Phil was right, he got so bored of eating the same meals from the fridge every week, this was perfect.

“Well, we have to get ready first. We’re doing this at the table, like a proper date,’ Phil said.

“Okay,” Dan stood up and moved his laptop to the table. “Well here’s my kitchen and our dinner table,” Dan said showing the area and placing his laptop on the table.

“Well here’s mine,” Phil said showing a table setting on his desk and Dan laughed. “Sorry,” Phil laughed. “but I couldn’t exactly use our table. I do have a candle to light though!” Phil held up a small candle to the camera.

“Ooh, I’ll get one too, hang on,” Dan went and found a candle. “Vanilla,” he sniffed. “What’s yours?”

“Well, it’s meant to be an evergreen forest, but I’m not even sure what that’s meant to smell like,” Phil said as he lit the candle. “It smells sort of woody I guess.”

“What kind of food did you order?” Dan asked.

“You’ll just have to see,” Phil laughed. “First of all, you need some cutlery and stuff.’ 

“So not pizza I’m guessing,” Dan said, standing up and walking into the kitchen.

“Nah, no pizza tonight,” Phil laughed, as Dan sat down again and set his place.

“Wow, it’s nice to see all of you for once,” Phil giggled.

“Oh,” Dan said, realising Phil would have been able to see all of him when he walked into the kitchen. He was glad he’d put on jeans. “Well yeah, I have legs.”

“Nice ones too,” Phil said and Dan blushed.

There was a knock at the door. “Ooh, I think my foods here,” Dan jumped up to answer the door.

“Your order,” The man said passing Dan a large bag. How much had Phil ordered?

“Er, thanks, how much?” Dan asked.

“You already paid for it,” The man frowned.

“Oh, cool, thanks so much,” Dan said and closed the door. 

“Phil!” Dan said sitting back down on the couch. “You paid too!”

“Well, I’d pay if I took you out for regular dinner,” Phil smiled “and I wasn’t going to make you pay for something I’d ordered without telling you!”  Dan opened the bag.

“Oh my god, Chinese food, I love you,” Dan said.

 “Yay! You said it’s your favourite a while ago!” Phil smiled.

“I can’t believe you, you looked a place near me and called and everything?” 

“You make it sound more impressive than it really was,” Phil said.

 “This is perfect Phil!” Dan said, beginning to open one of the containers. “Wait did you order some for yourself too?”

“Sure did,” Phil laughed. “Hang on, I got one of my friends to hold it for me be back in a sec,” Phil jumped up leaving Dan to marvel at how kind he was.

“Alright, let’s eat,” Phil said.

They ate together, laughing as they talked about how good everything tasted.

“Phil you’re actually amazing,” Dan said, finishing up his dinner. “I love you so much.”   
  
“I should order you food every night,” Phil laughed.

“This was incredible, thankyou so much Phil,” Dan said.

“Oh, you’re welcome!” Phil laughed. “Man, I’m so full.” 

“Me too,” Dan laughed.

“You wanna go back to our comfy chairs?” Phil tilted his head back.

“Sure,” Dan laughed. “Let me just put this away first.” Dan cleaned up quickly, making sure to leave no traces of the meal for his parents to see.

“Hey!” Dan said walking back to his laptop which he left on the table. “You were watching me the whole time, weren’t you?”

“Well I hardly ever get to see you standing,” Phil shrugged and Dan laughed, as he sat back down on the couch.

“Okay, I have something I want to tell you,” Dan said.

“What?” Phil asked, sitting up straight.

“So um,” Dan said nervously. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said, about like, um telling my parents.”

“That’s great!” Phil smiled.

“And…I think you’re right. I think that I should tell my parents,” Dan said.

“Bear!” Phil said, hands flying to his face. “This is so amazing! I’m so proud of you!”   
  
“Well, I haven’t told them yet.”   
  
“But you want to now! I thought you wouldn’t, wow this is great! This is going to be so great!” Phil sounded so excited.

“I have no idea what I’m going to say though,” Dan sighed.

“That’s okay, we can work it out together!”   
  
“Really?”   
  
“Oh of course, Bear! Trust me, I think this is going to be really really good,” Phil clapped his hands together.

“Okay. Well, yeah, I guess I was hoping we could plan out what I could say tomorrow, and maybe I could tell them tomorrow night” Dan said.

“Oh my gosh! Yes! The whole day if we need to! As long as it takes!” Phil wouldn’t stop smiling.

“Okay, cool,” Dan blushed.

“Thankyou for telling me tonight! Honestly, I’m so glad. I am so so happy.” Phil grinned.

“So, you think it will go well?” Dan asked nervously.

“They’re your parents. I think, well I really hope, you’ll find they will be really good, Bear. Like, I know it’s different, but I was so glad after I told my parents. Like, even though it was in the past for me…I was so surprised, in a good way.”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked.

“Well, I expected them to be mad at me…but they weren’t at all they were just mad at the guy who bullied me. And, they were like…well my situation was different to yours, but they literally went over to my bullies parents house and yelled at  _them._ Turns out his parents had no idea either… and then they yelled at the guy who bullied me, and then he actually,” Phil looked uncomfortable. “It was a different situation, but he wrote me this really long apology letter and he...” Phil’s voice broke.

“Hey, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Dan said softly. “I know it must be hard to remember…like as soon as I’m out of high school, I’m going to be trying my hardest to forget Ryan’s existence. “

Phil laughed. “Thanks, Bear. It’s just a really long story…which I’ll tell you from the beginning someday.”

“You don’t have to, I promise I don’t mind either way.”

“I want to…just not quite yet.”

“Okay.” Dan smiled.

“I just don’t want to worry you. I know how much you care about me, and since well…you’ll probably be upset so…and I know you’ve got enough on your plate, so I just want to focus on us dealing with Ryan.”

“Oh…thanks,” Dan stammered. Phil was so thoughtful. “I feel bad…your so thoughtful, and here I am just dumping all my stresses on you.”

“Oh Bear, no don’t say that! I’m currently in the fortunate position where my life is very low stress, whereas you have a lot going on, and you know, sort of need a little help,” Phil gave a small smile.

“But I still feel bad, I wish I could do as much for you as you’ve done for me,” Dan sighed.

“You’ve done so much for me,” Phil said softly.

“No I haven’t,” Dan sighed.

“You have no idea, Dan.” Phil said. Phil was calling him Dan…he knew he was serious. “I was honestly so lonely before we started talking. I was going okay…I mean I had friends, but no one like you. No one who’d listen to me like you, or make me feel so great all the time, no one gets me as much as you do. I’ve always known I’m a weird guy, and YouTube helped a lot with feeling comfortable with that….but you helped the most.”

“Really?” Dan asked. Was what Phil was saying really true? He always felt like Phil was just the one helping him out…but it warmed Dan’s heart to hear Phil saying Dan had helped him too.

“Yes! You laugh at my jokes, you seem so interested in anything I say. You actually like all my silly messages and all my weird stories,”

“Phil your messages literally get me through school,” Dan said. “And of course I love your stories,” Dan laughed.

“And because of you I’ve learned to love them too.” Phil smiled.

“But…but in your videos…you always seem so sure of yourself,” Dan said.

“Well, camera’s are easier than people,” Phil shrugged.

“But even when we started talking-“ Dan said but Phil interrupted.

“Well I was talking to you, wasn’t I?” Phil smiled.

“Oh, wow, I had no idea.’ Dan said.

“And there’s more...but well, you probably think I’ve been cheesy enough for one night.” Phil smiled. 

“Nah, tell me!” Dan insisted.

“It’s complicated,” Phil sighed. “But, I want you to know that you’ve helped me get over something big....Dan. Which I’ll tell you about when I can. But like, my life is just so much happier with you in it. Don’t ever think you haven’t helped me, because you’ve helped me more than anyone in the world, okay?

Dan wanted to cry, he couldn’t believe he’d actually helped Phil. How had he helped him though? He was curious what Phil meant, but he didn’t want to make him talk about anything he didn’t want to talk about. But Phil saying his life was so much happier...wow....how was Dan meant to respond to that?

“Er well, thanks,” Dan said awkwardly.

“What are you thanking me for?” Phil laughed.

 “I don’t know! I didn’t know what to say!” Dan laughed.

“Okay, just say that’s ok, I’m glad my obsession with you resulted in both our happiness.”

“Oooh,” Dan laughed, unable to come up with a comeback.

“I’m kidding, I’m glad you liked my videos so much that this all worked out,” Phil said seriously.

“You know, it’s actually kind of funny…” Dan said. “If Ryan had never started teasing me about you…maybe you wouldn’t have noticed me.’

“Nah, I think it was just fate, you know?” Phil said.

“No! Now you’re being cheesy!” Dan said.

“I’m serious!” Phil insisted.

“There’s no such thing as fate, Phil.”

“Well how did this happen then?” Phil asked.

“Coincidence! That’s why it so special,” Dan laughed.

“No it’s special because it was meant to be!” Phil laughed.

“Whatever, as long as we are together it doesn’t really matter,” Dan sighed. “Although I wish we could be together, like next to each other.”

“I know,” Phil sighed, placing a finger on the screen. “I wish I could reach through this screen,” Phil placed his whole hand on the screen.

“I wish I could hold that hand of yours,’ Dan sighed.

“Me too,” Phil sighed.

“Sorry…I just made our date sad,’ Dan frowned.

“Nah,” Phil said. “It will happen one day.”

“When though?”

“Soon I hope,” Phil smiled.

“How soon?” Dan asked.

“Well…I don’t know, Bear,” Phil frowned.

“But um Phil…what would we do…like when we meet?”

“Well, we could have actual dates and talk to each other’s faces rather than through laptops,” Phil laughed.

“That sounds good,” Dan smiled. “But like…would we like,”

“What?” Phil asked.

“Well if we’re boyfriends, would we hold hands?”

“I’d like that,” Phil smiled.

“Would we kiss?”

“If we wanted to,” Phil shrugged.

“But Phil..” Dan said. He was so nervous at the prospect of kissing Phil…

“We don’t have to decide anything yet,” Phil said quickly, looking away from Dan. 

“Phil you seem worried,” Dan said. Did he not want to kiss Dan? Did he not want to meet him at all?

“I’m not,” Phil said dismissively, but Dan couldn’t help but worry. Why didn’t he want to talk about meeting? What if...no. He couldn’t imagine what Phil was thinking, that’s what got them into their mess last time.   
  
“Phil..” Dan sighed. “I don’t want to imagine what you’re thinking…what are you thinking?”

“Oh Bear, we’ve had such a nice date, I don’t want to upset you,”

“You won’t!”

“I think, just in case I do, we just need to sort out all the Ryan stuff first.”   
  
“No Phil, please, can we talk about this or it’s going to stress me out even more. I’m scared you don’t want to meet me at all,” Dan said.

“Oh no, don’t say that! I really want to meet you and, it would be nice to kiss you Bear..but..”   
  
“But what?” Dan asked.

“But you’re very young,” Phil said quietly.

“I’m nearly 17,” Dan sighed.

“But you’ll change a lot in the next few years…Bear...I just....I’m worried in a few years you might resent me, like I’m worried I’m taking advantage of you.”

“Phil, no, just, I-“ Dan paused. “This I silly, of course you’re not.’

“But Bear,” Phil interrupted.

“Phil, I know I’m a bit younger than you,” Dan started.

“Quite a bit” Phil seemed to be panicking.

“Phil…honestly what would I resent you for Phil? Kissing me?” Dan blushed.

“I know Bear… but um…well,this is the conversation I was scared of having, I guess I just want to check with you…before we meet, are you…are you thinking about…you know?”

“What?” Dan asked.

“Sex,” Phil said softly.

Dan blushed. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it, but in a fantasy way. In reality…in reality the idea of each touching Phil’s hand filled him with such incredible nerves, he couldn’t even really fathom a small kiss with Phil.

“Phil, I’m…just…no,” Dan shook his head and blushed.

“Oh Bear…sorry I didn’t mean,” Phil sighed. “I’m sorry to make you uncomfortable again…that’s the last thing I want to do. That’s why I didn’t want to talk about this, because I was scared of what you were expecting, and I wanted to talk but not freak you out if you hadn’t thought about it or anything...but if you’re not thinking we will,” Phil blushed. “Then I know now we’re on the page.” Phil sighed.

“Wait, you thought I wanted to?” Dan asked.

“No,” Phil shook his head. “I had no idea that’s why I was scared.” 

“Phil, I” Dan laughed. “I’m freaking out at the thought of holding your hand!”

“Oh,” Phil laughed. “Me too a little bit.”

“In terms of…you know,” Dan blushed. “Sex. I’m nowhere near ready.”

“Bear that’s okay!” Phil said. “I want you to know I’m not in any rush…I know I asked you to be my boyfriend…but that’s not what this is about.”

“Phil I know. I never thought it was. To be honest talking about this is stressing me out, and I think it’s stressing you out too.”  
  
“Yeah,” Phil admitted. “...sorry I shouldn’t have brought it up.”   
  
“You didn’t I made you talk about it. Besides, I think it’s important we talk about stuff like this. But Phil…can I ask you something?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Well, before….when you were saying…do you feel awkward because I’m younger than you?”

“Oh no!” Phil shook his head. “Legally it’s fine....just like personally..it's not like you Bear...it's not like that...I don't feel awkward...i just get worried because like...sorry...we're good at communicating...I’m being stupid”  
  
“You’re not Phil,” Dan said. “Look, how about we don’t talk about this again like until I’m completely finished school…then we can think about it.”

“Sounds good,” Phil smiled.

“I mean..that’s not saying we will...I mean…I love you and..but” Dan stammered. 

“I know Bear, being boyfriends isn’t about that, we can show our love to each other whatever way we like. We don’t ever have to you know, do it, it’s up to us”

“I’ll probably want to one day,” Dan blushed.

“Well with you,” Phil blushed.

“But not for a while,” Dan said.

“No...a while would be good,” Phil said, sounding nervous. Wait…had Phil ever…?

“Wait…have you,” Dan blushed. “Sorry, that was...don’t answer that.” How could he have just asked that?

“It’s okay,” Phil softly, looking like a thousand thoughts were upon him. "I haven't...no....”

“Oh!” Dan said.

“I wasn't ever really ready,” Phil said slowly.

“Phil, don't worry, that's cool...I'm not sure I'll be ready for ages either, and even if I am...like.....i just mean like, when we're both ready, in the future, if we're both ready...shit Phil, I'm freaking out about being in the same room as you, why are we still talking about this?" Dan sighed, but Phil was giving him a strange kind of smile. What was that about? Well...they'd just been talking about sex so he'd try not to dwell on it.

“Well, I’m really glad we’re on the same page…so um…now we got that sorted,” Phil said, suddenly sounding extremely cheerful. “I’ve been wanting to say this for a while…but I’ve been sort of scared to have the conversation we just had.” Phil blushed.“Anyway, we’re not talking about that anymore. But…well…I’ve been thinking...I’ve saved quite a lot, and I mean I have enough for a train ticket…and since your summer holidays are coming up,” Phil paused. “I could come to visit you?”

“Oh, Phil…” Dan sighed. “I would love to meet you more than anything but…but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for you to come here. I mean, with my parents and what if someone recognised you?”

“Well, I thought you might say that…so I was thinking I could pay for you to come to me” Phil suggested. “My parents wouldn’t mind having you stay, coz I’ll be back home over summer,”

“I couldn’t let you pay for me,” Dan sighed.

“Well, I was wondering…it could be your birthday present?” Phil smiled.

“Oh,” Dan sighed. He’d love to go and visit Phil. And if it was a birthday present… “Wow…I guess…wow I didn’t think we could…I. Wow,”

“You don’t have to decide now, but just think about it, okay?” Phil smiled.

“Phil, I don’t have to think about it…if it’s a birthday present…if you’re parents are really okay to have me…then of course it’s a yes!”

“Really?” Phil asked.

“Why do you sound surprised?” Dan laughed

“Oh my God we’re going to meet!” Phil laughed.

“Well, I mean we both have to sort it out with our parents…I don’t know how I’ll convince mine. But they’ll be working during the week anyway, so they probably wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t here.”

“You have to ask them!” Phil insisted.

“But they’ll say no,” Dan groaned.

“Well, if they say no I’ll call them up myself,” Phil said.

“Well…we’ll see,” Dan laughed. “But um, you have to ask your parents too, they might not want to have me.”

“They won’t mind, trust me. Which reminds me, I was talking to them the other night and they kept asking me why I was so happy,’ Phil laughed. “So, um I was wondering, would it be okay if I told them about you?”

“Of course Phil!” Dan laughed. “But won’t they find this whole thing sort of weird?” Dan gestured to their skype screens.

“Probably, but as long as I’m happy their happy, so I think they’ll be pleased.”

“If you say so,” Dan laughed.

“So um, is it okay if I ask them if I can invite you over for the summer?” Phil asked.

“How is that even a question?” Dan laughed.

“Just checking!” Phil laughed.

“And don’t stress if they say no, even though we’re talking about this, I’m still not expecting to,” Dan sighed. As much as he wanted to meet Phil he still didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“Well even they do…we’ll find a way, at some point, we will meet.” Phil smiled.

“Yes,” Dan laughed. “We will.”

“How did it get so late?” Phil asked.

“Eugh,” Dan sighed. “I should move back into my room in case my parents get home. “

“True true,” Phil sighed. “Anyway, we should probably get to bed.”

“I want to keep talking,” Dan groaned as he walked back into his bedroom. 

“We can talk tomorrow!” Phil said.

“That’s ages away,” Dan complained. “And then we have to talk about my parents and Ryan and that seems stressful.”  
  
“But that’s the whole point in talking about it! We’re trying to make your life less stressful.”   
  
“I know,” Dan yawned.

“Look you’re tired!” Phil laughed.

“But sleeping is so lonely,” Dan sighed.

“Well, just dream of me,” Phil joked.

“Trust me I will,” Dan said then blushed.

“You’re too cute,’ Phil said.

“Stop,” Dan laughed.

“I love you,” Phil smiled.

“I love you too, thanks for another perfect date,”

“No, thankyou Bear,” Phil smiled.

“Well, goodnight,” Dan said.

“Night!” Phil laughed.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really long chapter today!  
> Hope you like it!   
> Also, I named Dan's Mum Karen as I wasn't sure of her name. (It's only used a couple times and it's obvious from context anyway)

Dan woke up from another dream of meeting Phil. He couldn’t wait to meet him – to be able to know how his hands felt in his, to see his blue eyes up close and hold him in his arms. His heart ached thinking about how long it would be until he could. His heart ached just not being able to talk to him right now. Dan reached for his phone.

Dan: I’m awake skype me

Phil: Good morning to you too

Dan: Soz I just I miss you

Phil: I literally just woke up

Dan: Me too

Phil: Well great if we skype now I’ll get to see your curly hair :D

Dan: Never

Phil: Haha, how long until we can skype then? (I miss you too)

Dan: Give me 10 minutes

Phil: Ok <3

Dan got dressed quickly and fixed his hair in record time, (although that was partly due to the immense straightening he’d done for their date the night before.) He raced into the kitchen to grab some breakfast, eager to start talking to Phil as soon as possible. His heart was racing with excitement to see Phil’s face and his thoughts were so focused on Phil that he nearly crashed into his Dad on his way out of the kitchen.

“Someone’s in a rush,” his Dad laughed.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled, picking up the spoon he’d dropped.

“Do you have somewhere to be or something?”

“Er, no,” Dan said quickly returning to the kitchen and grabbing a clean spoon.

“No eight hour phone call today?” his Dad asked.

“Wh-what?” Dan asked nervously.

“Well, I haven’t failed to notice you spend most Saturdays talking to someone all day,” his Dad said.

“Oh,” Dan said. Oh no, his parents could hear him talking? Who did they think he was talking to? He prayed they hadn’t heard anything he said. “It’s um on Skype, like video chat, not calling,” Dan said, hoping to avoid the question of who he was talking to.  

“Anyone you want to tell me about?” his Dad asked wiggling his eyebrows, and speaking in a voice that suggested he thought it was some kind of romantic interest. Oh no, his Dad could not find out about Phil. 

“Uh,” Dan said, trying to work out what to say as quickly as he could. “He’s just a friend Dad,” Dan said and then his heart stopped as he realised his mistake.

_He. He. He._ Dan was shaking so much he was lucky he didn’t drop his whole bowl of cereal.

“If you say so,” his Dad smiled and winked, clearly not buying the friend excuse. Had he noticed Dan said he?  _Oh shit._ Was his Dad making fun of him? Or was his Dad trying to say he wouldn’t care if it was a he? Did he think nothing of it? What was Dan meant to say now?

“Well don’t let me stop you talking to whoever he is,” his Dad laughed.

Oh shit. Whoever  _he_ is? His Dad had noticed. Fuck. Was he teasing him? Did he actually already know about Phil? Dan had no idea how to handle the situation so bolted back into his room, shaking and heart racing.

He put down his cereal and grabbed his phone to find some messages from Phil.

_Phil:_ Ready to Skype whenever ^_^

_Phil:_ Where are you :\ You’ve been ages

_Phil:_ Hair troubles?

_Dan:_ fuck fuck fuck fuck something just happened with my Dad Phil I think I’m screwed fuck

_Phil:_ oh no oh no oh no oh no can I skype?

Dan: Yeah but I’ll be whispering

“I have to whisper because I’m scared he can hear me,” Dan whispered as he the call came in. He put his head phones on just in case, and started stressfully eating his breakfast

“Bear, what happened?” Phil asked with a panicked voice, and Dan launched into the story of what had happened with his Dad.

“And then I was trying to throw him off the trail and I said he!  _He_ Phil,” Dan said. “And my Dad noticed because he said he too and I’m screwed he knows Phil! He knows.”

“Okay, come on, it’s okay, I think this is worse than you think.” Phil said gently.

“He thinks I have a boyfriend!” Dan exclaimed.

“Well….you do,” Phil said.

“But he can’t know that!” Dan said, so annoyed he gave up on whispering.

“Well, I understand why you’re upset, but just listen to me for a minute. First of all, well, I don’t know your Dad but it kind of sounds like he was joking about the whole thing.”   
  
“I said he! He said him!” Dan said, he was still shocked at what had happened. He was still shocked his Dad had even noticed he was spending all his time talking to someone in his room.   
  
“And maybe he does just think I’m a friend,” Phil suggested.

“He doesn’t!”

“He was probably just teasing you.”

“ABOUT A BOY!” Dan yelled, unable to keep his stress inside any longer. How was Phil so calm about this? 

“Okay, Bear, don’t yell or he might hear you and also this isn’t bad.”

“Yes it is,” Dan said, trying not to yell again. “He knows Phil! Who knows how much he’s heard me saying to you.”

“And he’s going to hear you now if you don’t keep your voice down.”

“Fine,” Dan whispered.

“Did he seem shocked when you said he?”

“Well, no he was just doing that I know it’s not just a friend kind of voice and he was freaking me out!”

“But Bear, maybe this is a good thing!”

“How Phil?”

“Well, maybe he’s open to the idea of you liking boys,” Phil suggested.

“Or he’s so opposed to it that’s why he was teasing me.”

“Well, Bear, from what you told me it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.” Phil said.

“What if it is? What if he’s heard me saying I love you Phil? What if he’s heard me saying thanks for being such a great boyfriend Phil? What if he knows and now he’s going to make fun of me for it too?” Dan whispered.

“I don’t think he was making fun of you,” Phil said again.

“He was!”

“I know it feels that way, Bear, but it actually sounds like he was just interested. And by the sounds of thing, maybe he’d like to hear about a boyfriend,“ Phil shrugged.

“But-“ Dan said but Phil ignored him.

‘If you’re worried he already knows then, well you can’t change that he knows…”

“Exactly so I’m freaking out here!”

“But that means he would have known for a while and don’t you think if he had a problem with it he would have raised it earlier?”

“I don’t know!” Dan said.

“Bear, I think he was either just joking around and meant nothing by it, or maybe he was trying to let you know it’s okay to tell him.”

“But how do I know?”

“You could ask him?” Phil suggested.

“No!”

“But, I think this is actually really good, because if he was going to freak out about it, then I don’t think he would have joked about it in the way that he did.”

“He might Phil! You don’t know him.” 

“No I guess don’t,” Phil sighed. “I just hope I’m right.”  

Dan didn’t know what to say anymore. Could Phil be right? He hoped so, but Dan was way too scared to have the conversation with his Dad. His Dad had never seemed like the sort who would have a problem with it…but Dan really had no idea, and he was even more confused after whatever happened in the kitchen.

“You know there’s nothing wrong with liking boys right?” Phil asked, breaking their silence.

“I don’t even know if I do like boys!” Dan exclaimed. “Well except for you, obviously,” Dan said and Phil laughed.

“I’m glad you like me, but other than that, you don’t have to know! I mean we’re dating so it doesn’t really matter. But even if we weren’t, you don’t have to know what your sexuality is, and honestly you don’t have to label it ever.”

“Yeah but the thing is, people, like my Dad, will just assume I’m gay if they know I have a boyfriend.”

“Well…maybe, but you could explain that you don’t call yourself that.”

“No one will ever understand.”

“Course they will. Maybe not at first, but if you explain that you know you like me, but you’re not sure about your sexuality and you don’t want to label yourself right now, it’s really not that hard to understand.”

“So you think I should tell my parents?”

“I don’t know, it might be quite relevant.” Phil sighed.

“Phil! If I told them they might kick me out!”

“Well, you can come live with me,” Phil joked.

“Now I want them to kick me out,” Dan said and Phil laughed.

“There’s no way they will kick you out,” Phil said seriously.  
  
“You’re right, they won’t because I’m not telling them,” Dan said.

“Not ever?” 

“Not anytime soon,” Dan said.

“But…what if it comes up?”

“I’ll just deny everything.”  
  
“But um…I don’t know how to say this, but don’t you think it’s important, to sort of understand the whole bullying thing?”

“I’ll just leave that out,” Dan shrugged.

“But…Bear,” Phil sighed.

“What? Dan snapped.

“It’s sort of…well one of the big problems.”

“You think I don’t know that!” Dan said angrily.

“I’m only trying to help you!” Phil said. “I know you’re angry about all this, but don’t get angry with me.”

“I’m sorry, shit, I didn’t mean to sound so angry,” Dan sighed. “I’m not angry at you I’m just so stressed out…I don’t know what to say about Ryan, and now I feel like I have to tell them about you too and I don’t want to talk to them at all.”

“Oh, it’s okay, I understand,” Phil sighed.

“I just want to leave here and come be with you,” Dan said.

“One day you can.”

“That day is too far away,” 

“Well that’s why we’re doing this. We’re trying to make things as easy as possible until then,’ Phil smiled. 

“I love you,” Dan whispered.

“I know,” Phil smiled. “And I love you, even when you take out your anger on me.” 

“I’m really sorry,” Dan sighed.

“I know you’re not angry at me, and it’s a really tough situation for you,” Phil said. 

“I’m still sorry.” 

“It’s okay. Now, how about we play some Halo to get some of that anger out, and then we can talk about what you’re going to say your parents in a nice calm manner.”

“Okay,” Dan sighed.

Phil was right, Dan felt a lot calmer after playing Halo with him for an hour. Although, Dan was pretty sure Phil’s ridiculous names and commentary were more of a stress reliever than the game itself. Either way, Dan was in a much better mood once they were finished.

They spent hours discussing all the ways they could tell Dan’s parents. Dan asking Phil what he could say for every possible reaction. He was still really scared, what if his parents just didn’t care? What if they blamed him? What if they told him he should just fight back? What if they thought he was a loser? What if they just laughed at him? What if his Dad did ask if he was gay? There were too many things that could go wrong. But Phil kept saying there were too many things that could go right for Dan not to tell them.

Dan kept changing his mind. At times Phil made it seem like such a good idea to tell his parents. But at other times Dan became overwhelmed with his insecurities and decided he didn’t want to tell them at all, only for Phil to spend another hour convincing him that he should.

In the end they decided that it would be too much to mention Phil or anything related to his parents tonight. Phil thought that he should talk about the homophobic insults at some point, but Dan couldn’t deal with the prospect of telling them he had a boyfriend, so they decided Dan would just tell them about the bullying. Phil told him it was okay to do it in stages, but it was important to start the first stage tonight.

Dan sat down to dinner and he was as nervous as ever. He felt like he was going to school and facing Ryan again. He hoped Phil was right and it would all be fine, but what if it wasn’t? What was he meant to do then? Phil said they could work it hard whatever happened, but that didn’t’ stop Dan’s heart racing as he and his parents began eating their meal.

“How’s school, Dan?” his father asked. Dan was shaking, and he could feel himself sweating. Could he really go through with this?

“It’s um,” Dan’s voice caught in his throat. “It’s not so good at the moment,” he said while staring down at his dinner plate.

“Oh,” his mother said. Oh? Was that all she was going to say?

“Some people have been giving me a bit of a hard time,’ Dan said quickly. Oh no, that wasn’t what he and Phil had practiced. “Well, more than a bit.”

 “Oh, Dan, I’m sorry, that’s terrible,” his Dad said, and Dan felt a little relieved. Okay, so maybe his Dad cared…but his Mum still hadn’t said anything.

 “What are they doing exactly?” his Dad asked so kindly it made Dan want to cry. He took a few bites of his dinner before answering. His Mum still didn’t say anything. 

 “Um,” he muttered. What had Phil said to say? He couldn’t remember anymore. “Insults and stuff.”

 “Just try to ignore them,” his Dad said. “They’re not worth your time, Dan.” 

Oh no, his Dad didn’t get it at all. He took a deep breath in. Phil had said there was a lot to explain so he shouldn’t expect them to understand everything straight away. 

“Well its sort of also punching and well,” Dan said. “This one kid Ryan’s sort of got it in for me, he won’t really leave me alone.”

 “I had no idea,’ his mother finally spoke. She didn’t sound that concerned. Dan was worried - why hadn’t she said anything else? Maybe she really didn’t care at all. Dan’s heart was racing and he felt so nauseas he couldn’t keep eating. 

 “Is it just you?” his Dad asked, as if his mother hadn’t spoken.

 “What?” Dan asked.

“Does Ryan bully other kids or just you?”

“Oh…well it used to be others, but now um…I guess it’s sort of just me,” Dan tried not to cry. Between his Dad’s overwhelming questions and his mother’s complete lack of response Dan was beginning to wish he hadn’t brought it up.

“Does anyone else see it happening?” his Dad asked.

“Um, yeah most people…” Dan felt tears forming. Oh no his Dad probably thought he was such a loser. Imagining him being insulting and punched in front of a crowd. Which was what always happened...but he didn’t want his parents to see him like that.

 “So how often does this kind of thing happen?” he asked.

Why was his Dad asking so many questions? He knew it was a good sign, but he hadn’t been expecting so many. He was overwhelmed and didn’t know how to answer them anymore. Why was his Mum not saying anything? What was she thinking of him? It was all too much and Dan couldn’t stop himself from crying.

“Oh Dan, honey,” his mother stood up, “don’t cry.”

Dan wasn’t sure whether she sounded angry or upset. Either way it made Dan more nervous. She started patting Dan’s back, which Dan thought was probably meant to be a comforting gesture, but unfortunately it was far from it.

 “Ow!” Dan said as she put a hand on his injured shoulder.

 “Oh, Dan did you hurt yourself?” she asked, at least she sounded concerned this time.

 “Um, yeah my shoulders a bit,” Dan sniffed, and without Dan being able to stop his Mum, she peeled back the sleeve of t-shirt enough to be able to see the edge of the bruise.

“Honey, this looks bad,” she said. “Why didn’t you tell us? These things only get worse” she said coldly.

“Because it’s probably from that idiot Ryan,” his Dad said angrily, surprising Dan. “Don’t give him a hard time about this Karen. Dan, is this from Ryan?”

“Well sort of…it’s a long story,” Dan sobbed. Why didn’t his Mum seem to care about how he was feeling at all?

“Well I’ve a work call at 7:30 so you’ll have to make it quick,” his mother said and Dan wanted to cry even more.  More than that, he wished he could just sink into the floor and cease to exist. She didn’t care at all. She was more worried about her work call than Dan.  Phil was wrong she didn’t care at all. Dan couldn’t stop floods of tears from falling now.

“Karen! Don’t you think this is more important, Dan needs our help!” his Dad said angrily.

“Dan can wait, I could lose my job if I don’t take this call,” she yelled. Oh no, he hated when his parents fought. He hadn’t prepared for this with Phil. What was he meant to do?

“Well go take it then!” his dad yelled. “Come on, Dan, let’s go to the sitting room.” 

“Uh,” Dan said, following his Dad out, not wanting to be left alone with his mother. Dan was shaking.  _Dad cares._ He reminded himself.  _It’s okay, Dad will help, it doesn’t matter about her._ He tried to calm himself down.

“I’m really sorry about your mother,’ his Dad sighed as they sat down on the couch. “She does care-

“No she doesn’t,” Dan cried. “She cares more about work than me. She always has.”

“She—she’s just in her own little world, but don’t worry about her, please. I’m here, and I’m going to help you, okay?” Dan’s Dad smiled but Dan couldn’t smile back.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,’ Dan sobbed. He’d been scared that his mum wouldn’t care, but even after everything Phil had prepared him for, he hadn’t been ready to see it in front of him.

“I’m sorry,” his Dad sighed. He grabbed a box of tissues and passed them to Dan. They sat for some time while Dan cried. Even though he’d been worried about this, he couldn’t believe Phil had been wrong. He’d assured Dan that she did care, but right now it felt mother didn’t care about him at all. How was he meant to tell Phil what had happened?

“Please,” his Dad asked breaking their silence. “I’m worried for you Dan, don’t let her mother stop you from telling me, this is really important. I love you Dan, and I’m so sorry that I’m not around more to-“

“It’s okay, Dad,” Dan interrupted. He knew his Dad cared, but he wasn’t in the mood for a conversation about his parents always working right now.

“No it’s not,’ He sighed. “Now, how about you tell me more about what’s going on and I’ll try be a good Dad for once.” 

“Um okay,” Dan said. They fell into silence for a few minutes. Dan knew he should continue what he started saying at dinner. His Dad wanted to help. One caring parent was better than none. Phil would want him to talk to his Dad. 

“So how did this all start, Dan?” his Dad prompted.

“Um,” Dan said. “Well..it’s been going on since the start of the school year I guess, and it’s um getting a lot worse and um….I don’t think they are going to stop.”

“So it’s not just this Ryan kid?” his Dad asked. Dan risked a look up and saw concern etched through his face.

“Um…well the others sort of join in too,” Dan said, looking back down at the tissues that had amassed in his lap.  

“Oh, and what is it they do?” he asked.

“Well they um…just call me lots of names, and tease me about anything and um, punch my shoulder and stuff.”

“Where are the teachers?”

“Well, it’s mostly in the corridors, I mean with the punching…the insult are everywhere but the teachers I don’t know.” 

“Do they know it’s going on?” he asked.

“Um,” Dan sniffed. “I don’t know, I’m not sure that they see.”

 “Don’t see or turn a blind eye.”

 “Um, I don’t know.”

“What about the insults? What do they say?”

“Uh,” Dan said. This night had been so stressful already, he didn’t want to have to talk about Phil or liking boys or anything else that could end badly.

“You don’t have to repeat what they say,I guess I’m just wondering…” he glanced behind him and then whispered. “Is this bullying…is it, do they bully you because of him?”

“Him?” Dan was shocked…surely his Dad couldn’t mean Phil? How could he know? Dan felt familiar feelings of nausea return.

“The boy you’re always talking to on the um, Skype?” his Dad offered.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. He knew. He thought he had a boyfriend. No, he knew he had a boyfriend.

 “Sorry, you don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to…I just know, I went to an all boys school myself so I know how boys can be about these kinds of things.”   
  
How was Dan meant to handle this? How was he meant to respond? He’d agreed with Phil that he wouldn’t tell them yet. This was way too many things all at once.

“I hate to think their bullying you about who you are, Dan. I hope you know that  I love you Dan, I mean I love  _you._ I don’t want those bullies to make you think you have to change who you are. “

How was Dan meant to respond? His Dad seemed so accepting…but Dan was still terrified of saying anything. Gosh, it didn’t seem like his Dad would think badly of him…but still. Dan couldn’t do it. 

“It’s okay, Dan you don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know that, I’m here for you. Even if I’m not always around as much as I should,” his Dad sighed. “Also, don’t worry, your mother has no idea about your calls or anything. I won’t tell her about this him either, because I’m sure you don’t want me to,” his Dad smiled gently. “All I wanted to say is that you can talk about anything with me, if you want to, and I don’t want you thinking badly of yourself or trying to change or anything for those idiots at school.”

“It is to do with him,” Dan said suddenly, surprising himself. “They bully me a lot, because of Phil,” Dan started sobbing again. He couldn’t believe he was actually telling his Dad. He’d seemed so open to the idea…but now Dan was worried, what if his Dad was going to hate him? What if he wouldn’t want to help him out with Ryan anymore?

 “Is Phil-“ his Dad began slowly.

 “Phil’s my boyfriend,” Dan sobbed.

“That’s great Dan, I think it’s wonderful you have a boyfriend” his Dad smiled and put his arm around Dan. His Dad thought it was wonderful? Dan grabbed for more tissues, although he wasn’t crying of sadness anymore. His Dad’s words echoed in his mind.   _That’s great....wonderful…boyfriend._ Dan couldn’t believe how, how amazing his Dad was being about this. Of course, he should be, but Dan wasn’t used to it. Other than Phil, everyone else always made him feel like having a boyfriend was a bad thing (even though he knew it wasn’t). He was so happy.  _Wonderful._ His Dad actually said that. 

 “So not just a friend then,” his Dad said.

“Er, no,” Dan blushed, wiping away some tears. 

“I figured , Dan,” his Dad chuckled.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked.

“I probably pick up on a lot more than you realise.”

“Have you been eavesdropping on me?” Dan asked, suddenly smiling.

“No! Well, not intentionally,” his Dad said rather awkwardly.

“Dad!”

“Look, sometimes in the evening when I’m making tea after work. The kitchen’s close enough to your room, that I can sometimes hear your through the walls. You just sound very happy when you talk to him, and I sometimes hear you saying,” he paused. “goodnight to him as I’m having my tea.” 

“Oh no,” Dan blushed again. Every time when they said goodnight they always said I love you.

“I’m sorry, Dan, I only heard it one time,” his Dad sighed, “you know you’re allowed to love whoever you want.”

Dan leaned in and hugged him around the stomach and his Dad laughed.

“I love you Dad,” Dan said suddenly. It felt so strange, when was the last time he had said that?  

“And I love you Dan, and I love that you felt like you could share this with me,” he smiled.

“Well you seemed to already know, but how did you know it was a boyfriend?” Dan asked.

“Well, I hear you say the name Phil quite a bit, which is usually a boys name” his Dad sighed. “And then you confirmed it for me this morning.”

“Oh,” Dan said. Dan would have been annoyed at himself for his slip-up, but this conversation was going so well he was almost glad he did say it.

“I promise it doesn’t worry me that you’re gay,” his Dad said.

 “Oh I’m not,” Dan said quickly.

 “What? But,” his Dad looked confused.

“This may be hard for you to understand, because I don’t really understand it myself, but I just I’m not sure about it all. I love Phil, and for now that’s all I need to know. I’m not labelling myself for the moment.”

“Oh Okay, um, I’m sorry,” Dan’s dad said, he seemed a bit confused but he seemed to be going with it. “Well, that must um, make it extra hard at school then.”

“Er, yeah,” Dan sighed, filling his Dad in on some of the things Ryan had said and done. Although, he made out like they’d seen Phil on the street or something…rather than from the internet. One thing at a time.

“Fucking hell, Dan, this is…this is just not good,” he shook his head. “I’m really glad you told me.”

“Well, yeah Phil kind of made me,” Dan admitted.

“Well thank Phil for me. What does he say about all this?”

“Oh lots of things,” Dan smiled.

“So, wait, does Phil go to your school?”  

“Oh no…he um…actually…he doesn’t live around here,” Dan said awkwardly, hoping his Dad wouldn’t find out Phil was from the internet.

“Oh, how’d you meet then?” 

“Er, through a mutual friend,” Dan lied, not sure his Dad would understand how he could have a boyfriend he hadn’t actually met yet.  He’d tell him…at some point.

“Wait, so you’re doing a long distance thing then?”

“Er, yeah.” 

“Oh, that’s a shame,” his Dad sighed. “Well, at least our long hours mean we can pay for all those internet bills,” 

“Sorry,” Dan said, suddenly realising they were probably sky high.

“I’m joking. I’m really glad you have Phil,” he said sincerely.

“Me too,”

“He’s treating you well then?” 

“Probably too well,” Dan said.

“Don’t say that, you deserve it, kid.” 

“Oh thanks.”

“Thanks for telling me, Dan. It means a lot to me.”

“Oh, um, that’s okay, thanks for being so cool about it, and for listening to me about everything” Dan actually felt really relieved he’d told his Dad. “You won’t tell anyone will you?”

“Course not. No one. But we do need to talk about this bullying Dan, because I’m not letting that continue.”

“Right,” Dan sighed.

“I realise that it’s tricky, as you wouldn’t want Ryan to find out, but I have to call the school Dan, I have to. I’ll be careful don’t worry. I’m thinking I could ask them to have staff in the corridors, that way, well at least the kids won’t be punching you as you’re trying to get to class.”

“I don’t know if the teachers would do that Dad,”

“Well I can be quite persuasive. Just let me try, Dan.’

“Okay,” Dan smiled.

“I’m sorry this has gone on for so long,” he said sadly.

“I should have told you sooner, Phil kept telling me to.”

“It’s okay, I guess with your mother I can see why you might have been apprehensive too, I hope, that at least, I was an okay parent tonight.”

“The best,” Dan hugged his Dad tight.

“Well, I’m sure Phil will be dying to know how this went,” his Dad laughed.

“Er, probably,” Dan smiled.

“Go on, go call him. We can talk about this more tomorrow.”

“Okay, thanks Dad, I love you.” 

“I love you, I’m proud of you Dan.”

“Thanks for listening,” Dan smiled as he went back to his room. 

“Anytime Dan,’ his Dad said.

_Dan:_ I’m ready to skype :)

_Phil:_ Oh my gosh did it go okay?

_Dan:_ Mostly _,_ just don’t freak out as I’m telling you, because I’m fine now

_Phil:_ I’m scared

_Dan:_ I’m calling you now.

 

“Hey,” Dan said smiling.

“What happened?” Phil said frantically.

“Well, I’m fine, I promise,” Dan said. “I’m really glad I told my Dad. He was so good. You were right, he cares a lot, and he said he was going to call the school.

“Oh Bear! I’m so happy this is so amazing!” Phil smiled. “I’d be ecstatic, but I’m scared what you’re leaving out, did something happen with your Mum?”

“It was-” Dan sighed. He explained what happened with his Mum, the shock on Phil’s face confirming how bad it had been.

“Oh Bear,” Phil sighed. “I feel so awful, that’s just awful, she can’t do that.”

“Well she did,” Dan sighed, trying not to cry. “I’m okay.”

“Well I’m not! I can’t believe it,” Phil said, and somehow Dan was able to laugh through the oncoming tears. Phil was so cute when he was angry about something, especially when it was on Dan’s behalf.  

“Phil, it’s fine,” Dan wiped away some tears. It wasn’t fine really, but there was nothing he could do about it.

“I know it’s not, Bear,” Phil sighed. “But how about we talk about your Dad instead, because that seemed to go well.”

 “Well…It sort of what even better than we could have expected,” Dan said, wondering how to tell Phil. He was worried Phil would be upset with his Dad…not that his Dad had forced him to come out, but Phil might be worried he had.

“What happened?” Phil asked.

“I’m not upset, I’m fine, and I think it was a good outcome and stuff, and my Dad’s actually, well he surprised me and he was really super nice and like accepting-“

 “Oh my god I’m dying here what happened?” Phil said.

“Well,” Dan sighed “He sort of knew I had a relationship and then this morning I confirmed it was a guy, but he kind of already know about you anyway, and then he asked if the bullying was about you and then he was saying how it was okay to be myself and stuff and then I told him,” Dan said quickly.

“Oh my God! Bear are you okay?” Phil looked like he was panicking.

 “Yes it was really fine and he was like happy and I was happy and it’s all good.” Dan explained.

 “Wow! Bear this is amazing! I’m so proud of you!” Phil said with a huge grin and Dan blushed. “Wow! You’re so amazing, you told him like everything?  
  
“Well not exactly everything,” Dan sighed, filling Phil in on the details he’d left out.

“That’s okay, you did so well. You can take this in stages. But you said so much tonight! I’m so proud right now,” Phil smiled, and Dan felt himself blushing immensely.

“Well, I think we need to back track a little, tell me everything that happened,” Phil said.  
  
Dan told him everything that he could remember from when he sat down at the dinner table to when he started talking to Phil again.

 “I’m really glad I told him,” Dan finished. “I think you were right about this morning, I think he was trying to tell me it was okay without being too obvious about it. “

“Well, I’m glad I was right about your Dad,” Phil sighed.

 “It’s not your fault about my Mum,’ Dan said.

“I know, but I still feel so bad,” Phil sighed. “But I’m so happy about your Dad.”

“But I feel really relieved that Dad knows, like he said he promised he’d help me get through it.”

“Argh! This is so great Dan! I like, love your Dad.” 

“Me too,” Dan smiled.

 “But what if this all goes badly?” Dan asked. “What if Ryan just bullies me more.” 

“Well, it seems like your Dad really gets it, so I’m sure he’ll handle it well.”

“I guess,” Dan said.

“And you know what the best part of all of this his,” Phil smiled cheekily.

“What?” Dan asked.

 “Well if your Dad already knows, and he’s on your side…well it’s a step closer to us meeting isn’t it?”

 “Oh my god I didn’t even think about that,” Dan smiled. “You’re right, oh my god.” Dan’s heart started beating…gosh the way his Dad was acting, he wouldn’t have a hard time convincing him to let him stay with Phil for some time over summer.  

“Well one thing at a time,” Phil smiled. “But somehow, I think we’ll be meeting soon.”

“I can’t believe it,” Dan said.

“I won’t believe it until I’m hugging you,” Phil smiled.

 “Well I know you’ve got work tomorrow, so I should let you get to bed.” Dan said realizing how late it was.

“You can call me if you need anything tomorrow. I can take a toilet break at anytime, and I want you to call me if anything big happens.” 

“Phil my Dad was great. I’ll be fine.’ 

“Well, just in case,” Phil said.

“Okay, thanks,” Dan said.

“I love you Bear,” Phil said.

“I love you so much Phil,”

 “Night!”

“Night!” Dan smiled.

He hung up the phone and couldn’t stop smiling. Things with his Dad were amazing. Things at school were probably going to get better. Best of all, meeting Phil was so likely to happen he could barely contain his excitement. He was so happy he couldn’t sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely comments on the past chapters, they make me so happy!  
> The next chapter will be soon :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou again for all the lovely comments on the last chapter! They give me so much motivation to keep writing :)

With Phil at work, Sunday passed incredibly slowly. Dan spent a few hours lying in bed, chest aching from missing Phil, wishing he could talk to him, or better yet be with him. Every minute felt like hours, but at least he wasn’t at school. He tried to play some video games to pass the time, but he couldn’t stop imagining the things Phil would say if he was playing with him, which only made Dan miss him more. He figured maybe he should try finish some homework, but he grew bored and found himself daydreaming about Phil. In the end, Dan found himself back on Phil’s YouTube channel, re-watching every single video he’d ever made. He still found it so strange to think that when he first watched these he just wished Phil would notice him, and now Phil was his boyfriend. How had he been so lucky?

The day passed quickly watching Phil’s videos. The only time he left his room was for food, which wasn’t unusual for a Sunday, however this time it was filled with incredible fear that he would run into his mother. What was she going to say after last night? Would she apologise? Dan doubted it, but what if she asked him to finish talking? There was no way he wanted to talk to her about anything now.

He saw his Dad a few times, who greeted him with warm smiles and told him not to worry about his Mum.

“Did she say anything about it?” Dan asked his Dad.

“Well, she was on her call all night,” his Dad sighed. “But don’t worry about her, Dan, I’ll talk to her.”

“But don’t tell her-“ Dan started to say but his Dad interrupted.

“I won’t,” his Dad smiled. “Besides, I probably won’t even see her until we’re at dinner – she seems to be holed up in her office on another call.”

“Right,” Dan sighed.

“Hey, but there was one thing I meant to ask you,” his Dad said.

“What?” Dan asked, suddenly feeling nervous. What was his Dad going to say?

“How about we sit for a minute?” he said, and they sat down together at the table.

“So, I just wanted to check. Do the kids at school actually know Phil is your,” he glanced behind him then whispered, “boyfriend?”

“Er, no,” Dan shook his head. “They sort of just think he is, but they don’t actually know that I even know him.”

“Right,” his Dad nodded looking confused. Dan started to worry – sooner or later his Dad was going to find out he knew Phil through the internet…

“So um, I hate to ask, but is this Phil the same Phil you were always talking about a while ago?” he asked gently.

“What?” Dan asked, genuinely confused, when had he talked about Phil? Well, he supposed when he’d found his videos he was so excited he couldn’t really stop talking about him, until he realised his school friends found it weird. He hadn’t remembered he’d talked about him at home too.

“Yeah, it was a while ago now, but whenever I used to ask you what you were up to you always said you were watching Phil’s videos or something,” his Dad said. “Of course, when you said videos I was concerned,” his Dad laughed. “But you, um told me quite a bit about them, and you were, um very keen on that Phil so I just wondered if that Phil was this Phil?”

Keen on him? Dan blushed. Did his Dad realise he had a crush on Phil, even before Dan did? Dan couldn’t believe his Dad remembered anything he’d told him, he always assumed his Dad forgot everything he ever said. Turned out his Dad had always cared a lot more than he realised. But...was his Dad mad he hadn’t told him? Was he going to tell him to stop talking to Phil, since he met him online?

“I’m not worried if it is, Dan,” his Dad smiled kindly.

“Er, yeah,” Dan sighed. “It is him. I didn’t…I didn’t think you’d remember me talking about him.”

“I’m sorry, kid. But, I see you so little, that the things you say are really important to me, so I do remember most of these things.”

“Oh,” Dan said, trying not to cry. How could he have never realised how much his Dad cared? “Sorry I didn’t tell you that part last night.”

“That’s okay, Dan you said a whole lot last night,” his Dad smiled. “I wish that I could have waited until you were ready to say this part too but I just needed to know to understand these bullies. So I’m guessing they’ve seen him on the internet, and knew you watched him, and decided he was your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Dan said, wondering how his Dad put it all together.  

“Well, that’s what I figured, but I just wanted to check.” Dan’s Dad nodded.

“How did you have this all figured out?” Dan asked.

“Just a lot of thinking, Dan,’ his Dad smiled. “But the one thing I couldn’t work out, is at what point did Phil actually become your boyfriend?”

“Oh, only a like a week ago actually,” Dan admitted, although it sure felt like a lot longer. “Well I mean we’ve been talking for over six months, but we didn’t know we liked each other until just recently, and yeah,” Dan sighed remembering the mess they’d got themselves into. “It was a bit complicated.”

“Wait, hang on,” his Dad said, looking confused. “Wait, so did Phil know they were bullying you about liking him, before he actually knew you liked him?’

“Err…that’s what made it complicated,” Dan sighed. “Well other things too, but we’re good now.’

“Well, I’m confused, but as long as you got it sorted and your happy now, then that’s all that matters.”

“Thanks Dad,” Dan leaned in and hugged him.

“No worries, Dan. Sorry I had to ask, but if Phil wasn’t AmazingPhil, then I didn’t understand the whole bullying thing, and I didn’t want to contact the school without having all my information right. Not that I’ll be telling them that part,” his Dad said quickly. “Just for myself.”

“So, what are you going to say?”

“Well, I figured mentioning names might not be so helpful at this point. I’m going to ring and ask what their bullying policy is, I won’t even say it’s me, I’ll just say I’m a concerned parent.”

“I’m pretty sure they don’t have a bullying policy Dad,” Dan said.

“Well, should be an interesting phone call then,” his Dad laughed. “I think they’ll have something, obviously they do nothing about implementing it, but I think it’s a good first stage.”

“Okay, but what will we do after?”

“Well, I don’t know, Dan,” his Dad sighed. “I know you don’t want names to come up, but if the school is prepared to do something about it they might have to.”

“But-“ Dan protested. He couldn’t bare the thought of Ryan finding out they’d contacted the school. Ryan wouldn’t even care if he was in trouble, but he would care about making Dan’s time at school even more miserable.

“Don’t worry, it won’t be for a while, and we’ll be prepared for when that comes, okay?” 

“Okay,” Dan sighed. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready...but he also really wanted Ryan to stop. Well, there was no harm in asking about the bullying policy, then they could work out the rest. 

“Now, you’re probably keen to get back and talk to Phil.” 

“Oh, yeah! He’s probably off work by now,” Dan said checking the time.

“Well, go on then,” his Dad said.

“Wait Dad,” Dan asked. “Wait, when I talked about Phil like before I knew him, about his videos last year..” Dan said blushing. Should he ask? “Did, did you know I liked him?”

“Er,” his Dad laughed. “I didn’t know for certain, but I thought you might have a bit of a crush.”

“Wait, so you basically knew all this time?” Dan said.

“Well, no, I mean,, you wouldn’t stop talking about Phil, so,” he shrugged.

“How come you never brought it up?”

“Well I wasn’t sure, and just wanted you to be ready to tell me,” he said. “Plus, the gender of the people like doesn’t really affect me, Dan. As long as those people make you happy. All I’ve ever cared about is that you have people that make you happy, and now you do. That’s all that’s important.” 

“Dad,” Dan hugged him, once again wondering how he could have missed how much his Dad cared.

“Now, go talk to Phil,” His Dad laughed.

Dan went to his room and found texts from Phil.

_Phil:_ I’m leaving work, how was your day ^_^

_Phil:_ Bear??? Hmm….where are you

_Phil:_ I’m hoping your having a nice chat with your Dad or something

_Phil:_ I’m home now, SKYPE SOON I MISS YOU

_Dan:_ Argh, sorry! I was talking to my Dad! I miss you too, skyping now :)

“Hey,” Phil yawned. He looked so cute Dan felt his heart melt a little. He loved Sunday afternoon chats because Phil was always so tired. He had this lazy smile, and he’d always hold a hand under his chin as if to keep him from dozing off. He couldn’t wait to one day have Phil doze off beside him and watch him sleep…Dan blushed at the thought.  

“Hey, what are you blushing for?” Phil asked, with that cute smile.

“Nothing,” Dan blushed again.

“Well, I don’t think me saying hey would have embarrassed you, so what were you thinking about me?” Phil asked.

“Um, you just look really cute when you’re tired, that’s all,” Dan looked down at his hands as he said it. Even though Phil complimented him all the time, Dan still felt a bit weird to say such things aloud after keeping them in his head so long.

“Aww, thanks Bear, you always look cute too,’ Phil laughed. “So, how was your Dad?”

“Oh yeah, he well,” Dan sighed. “He actually knew you were from the internet, he knew you were AmazingPhil.”

“What? How?” Phil exclaimed.

“Well, thing is,” Dan said, blushing again. “He sort of um, remembered me talking about you when I started watching your videos, and sort of just put two and two together,” Dan sighed.

“Oh Bear!” Phil laughed. “Was your Dad worried?”

“Um, not really,” Dan said, telling Phil what else happened in their conversation.

“Oh, wait, so does he think we’ve met or not?” Phil asked.

“Um, I don’t know, I didn’t ask,” Dan said. 

“Oh well, we’ll be meeting soon enough,” Phil smiled. “I’m going to ask my parents tonight, while you’re having your dinner I’ll call them.” 

“Oh my god, I’m so nervous,” Dan said. He didn’t want to get his hopes too high in case they said no, but at the same time Dan knew he would be crushed if they did say no. He wanted to meet Phil so much, he couldn’t bare the thought of anything preventing them from meeting.

“I’m sure they’ll say yes,” Phil assured him. “It’s just, they’ll want to make sure it’s okay with your parents.”

“I think I’ll be able to convince Dad, but Mum,” Dan sighed. “Do I have to ask her? She wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t here for a week, honestly, I haven’t even seen her at all today. The only time I saw her all week was at dinner last night,”

“I’m sorry Bear, but it’s probably best you do ask.” Phil sighed. “I hope dinner is okay for you tonight.”

“Dad said he’d deal with her, but I just, like don’t know what to expect,” Dan sighed. “Anyway, tell me a story or something from your day.”

Phil laughed and began talking about his day, and soon enough Dan heard his mother yell out for dinner.

“Oh no,” Dan said “dinner time.”

“Oh, good luck, your Dad will be there, so hopefully it will be okay,” Phil said.

“Have fun talking to your parents,” Dan said.

“Well, I can stop talking to them at any time, like if you have any disasters you can call me, okay?”

“That’s okay, I’ll manage,” Dan sighed.

“But seriously, you can call me,’ Phil said.

“Thanks, I love you,” Dan said.

“Aww, love you too,” Phil smiled and ended the call.  
  
Dan sat down at the dinner table, reminding himself it would be okay. Knowing his mum, she probably wouldn’t even ask. She’d just pretend the night before had never happened, and they’d talk about irrelevant things like they always did.

At first that was what happened. Dan sat silently eating his dinner while his Mum talked about things that were happening at her work that Dan didn’t understand. His parents discussed some friends of theirs Dan didn’t know. Dan could tell his Dad sounded annoyed with his Mum, which made Dan rather pleased if he was honest.

“I emailed your school today,” she said suddenly and Dan was so shocked he dropped his cutlery on the floor. What the fuck had she said?

“You what?” his Dad exclaimed.

“Well, you said Dan needed our help, so I helped,” she shrugged. Dan couldn’t speak, too many worries taking over his mind. If she’d emailed, they would know it was Dan’s Mum. They would know it was Dan. What had she said? Had she said anything about Ryan? Had she complained? If Ryan found out…

“What do you mean helped?” Dan’s Dad asked angrily.

“I told them Dan was being bullied by Ryan, and they needed to stop it,” she said coldly.

Dan buried his face in his hands. No no no no no no no. Dan could hear his Dad’s voice but he couldn’t make out the words he was saying. This wasn’t what was meant to happen. His Dad was meant to help. They weren’t meant to say names yet. What was going to happen what Ryan found out? Dan wasn’t ready…this wasn’t meant to happen yet. His Mum had done the worst thing she could have done. He felt sick to the stomach. He wasn’t ready. He had to go to school tomorrow. He had to see Ryan tomorrow. He was pretty sure he could throw up at the thought. 

“You don’t even know the whole story!” Dan’s Dad said. He was saying other things as well, but Dan could barely hear him. He couldn’t believe his Mum. She hadn’t even checked to see how he was feeling about the whole bullying thing. She hadn’t even asked him if he was okay. He and his Dad had a plan, and she interfered without even bothering to ask or try to find out what was going on.  

His parents were yelling now. Dan covered his ears. He knew his Dad was probably trying to help, but there was nothing he could do. The damage was done. Dan finally found the energy to move to his room.

He spent a while crying, trying to figure out whether or not to call Phil. He’d probably been talking with his parents for an hour, how long did he usually spend talking with them? He said he could call, but he didn’t want to interrupt his call. Maybe he’d just text him, that way if he wanted to keep talking he could.

_Dan:_ dinner went bad :( you don’t have to call me, but um, when you’re done with your parents it would be good to talk

_Phil:_ I’m finished anway calling right now

Dan opened his laptop and Phil’s skype call came through a second later.

“Oh Bear,’ Phil gasped, obviously seeing Dan’s face covered in tears.

“Mum emailed the school. Ryan’s going to find out,” Dan cried.

“Wait what? I thought you…I thought your Dad was going to sort things with the school?” Phil asked.

“I know, she just did it without even talking to us.”

“Do you know what she said?” Phil asked.

“My name. His name. I’m screwed,” Dan said.

“Well, there’s a chance Ryan won’t find out,” Phil said gently.

“I’m scared what’s going to happen if he does,” Dan sobbed.

“But he might not. You’ve said that your school aren’t very proactive, so maybe they will just ignore it,” Phil suggested.

“I wish Phil, but it just totally ruins what we were going to do. My Dad can’t be anonymous anymore, they’ll know who it is.”

“Well, what if the school do something? What if it helps?”

“It’s not going to Phil. Because if they want to do something about it, Ryan will get in trouble, and then he will know it’s me, and when he does he’ll come for me.’

“That’s a lot of maybes Bear,” Phil said softly.  “Well, we can’t know what’s going to happen yet, so you just have to hope for the best.”

“I’m done hoping.”

“Don’t say that, look, thing is, I understand you’re upset with your Mum, and you should be. But, you knew that at some point, your name and Ryan’s names were going to come up.”

“Yeah, but when we were more ready! I have to go to school tomorrow!”

“It might be okay. They wouldn’t have even read the email yet, so nothing is going to happen. Maybe, some teachers will just keep an eye out now, and that would be good, wouldn’t it?”

“No because the second Ryan gets in trouble he will come and punch me or something,” Dan said.

“Well, he might not, and also, Bear, I think with all this…at some point he is probably going to get in trouble.”

“But-“

“I know this is sooner than you’d like, but in the long run it actually might help.”

“But Mum should have asked me about it! She can’t just do that!  She doesn’t even know anything!” 

“I know, regardless of her intentions or anything, that was really bad of her to do that without asking you,” Phil said, suddenly sounding angry. “As if she wouldn’t come and talk to you about it. She just found out you were bullied, and she hasn’t even asked how you are feeling. Like, if she had the time to send an email she should have spent that time coming to see if you were okay.”

Dan started crying harder, Phil’s words revealing exactly what he had been most upset about.

“Oh no, Bear,” Phil said frantically. “Sorry…I shouldn’t have said that, it just came out. Sorry, I was just so angry with your Mum..I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that now.’

“But you’re right,” Dan sobbed. “She didn’t even want to see how I was.”

“Oh Bear…I’m sorry. That was so thoughtless of me.”

“I’m crying because of her not you!” Dan said, looking around the room for tissues, but not able to see any. Phil put his head in his hands.

“I don’t know how to make you feel better about this,” he sighed. “I’m just, really sorry if I made you realise, like, what I just said.”

“You didn’t I already thought that,” Dan sniffed.  

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked.

“There’s nothing to say really,” Dan said. 

“I think your Mum just...she probably thought she was helping but…well she just,”

“Has no common sense,” Dan said.

“Well no, like, feeling sense,” Phil added and Dan nodded. 

“Well, I can’t fix the problems with your Mum, but I do have something that might cheer you up,” Phil said. “I talked to my parents, and I told them about you and stuff,” 

“Oh my God, what do they think of me?”

“They said anyone who I like they like” Phil laughed. “I mean, they don’t know you yet, but they like anyone who makes me happy.” 

“Oh, that’s good. So what did you say about me?” 

“Just how wonderful you are,” Phil smiled and Dan blushed, not crying anymore.

“They know we haven’t met and your age and everything, and they weren’t at all worried.” 

“That’s good,” Dan said.

“They said they knew there must be someone new in my life, since I seemed so happy and stuff,” Phil laughed. “Oh yeah, My Mum, um, she also wanted for me to give you a message.” 

“Oh,” Dan said, surprised. 

“It’s sort of long, and um, I don’t know if you want to hear it tonight,” Phil said slowly.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Dan asked, confused. 

“Oh, I just wasn’t sure with the timing, and your Mum,” Phil sighed. “I’m worried this…it’s a really nice message…I don’t want it to make you sadder.”

“Phil whatever your Mum said doesn’t change the way mine acted. I’d really like to hear a nice message after what happened, what did your Mum she say?” Dan asked, curious.

“Its really long, I got her to text it to me because I couldn’t remember it, do you want me to forward it to you, or read it to you,”

“Just tell me,” Dan laughed.

“Hi Dan, it’s Phil Mum,” Phil read out. “I’m really sorry to hear about how you are being treated at school. From what Phil’s told me, you’re a very special person, and unfortunately bullies often take out their own issues on wonderful people like you. As hard as this may feel, remember there is nothing wrong with you, in contrast the fact that you are different is going to get you a lot further in life than them. They will be stuck with their own issues, while you will be able to on to do incredible things. Don’t let them change you or make you think badly of yourself. Listen to what my Phil says about you, because I know it’s all true. If you ever want someone to talk to, if Phil isn’t around, or you need another ear, you’re more than welcome to call me. Take care and I hope to meet you soon.”  
  
As Phil read the message, Dan tried his best not to cry. Her message was so kind, and thoughtful, it made Dan feel so emotional to have another person saying anything kind about him. He wasn’t used to people telling him things like that. He felt his mothers’ lack of response hit even harder now. But at the same time…it felt really nice to know that there was someone else there for him.

“That was really nice of her,” Dan said, trying not to start crying.

“Sorry if it makes you feel bad about your Mum,” Phil said. 

“A little bit,” Dan interrupted, deciding he wasn’t going to make this about his mother. He was just going to be glad, there was another person in the world looking out for him. Another person telling him that he wasn’t worthless. Someone else who cared. “After my Mum said nothing…its nice to hear those things. I mean it, thank her for me, because that was really lovely of her.”

“You know that its true right?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know,” Dan sighed. He would love to believe them…but he still didn’t.

“It is Bear, your gonna do so many great things, I promise.” Phil said.

“Thanks Phil,” Dan sighed, still not really believing him.

“Well, um, as well as that, I also asked my parents if you could stay over summer,” Phil said quickly, “and they said they would love to.”

“Really?” Dan asked, heart beating faster. He could…he could meet Phil?

“They said you could stay as long as you wanted,” Phil smiled. “They can’t wait to meet you. They said anytime over summer is good…so all we need to meet, well, they said to ask you parents, and if your parents said no, they said they were happy to talk to them and stuff.”

“Ah, yeah, well, it’s just Mum,” Dan sighed, heart suddenly stopping. “I like to think Dad will be able to convince her, but after tonight I guess I can never be sure what she will do.”

“But, Bear, we’re nearly there!” Phil smiled.

“I guess,” Dan sighed, worried it might never happen “I’ll ask my Dad as soon as I can.”   
  
“And if he says no, my parents will call, okay?” Phil smiled.

“Okay,” Dan smiled, hoping that somehow this could happen. That he could see that smile in real life rather than behind a screen.

Dan heard a knock on his door.

“Dan it’s Dad,” he heard his Dad say through the door.

“It’s my Dad,” Dan sighed, “I should probably go talk to him.”

“Can I say hi?” Phil asked excitedly.

“Oh,” Dan laughed. He was a little apprehensive about his Dad meeting Phil…but Phil seemed so excited. “Um I guess, if you want.”

“Dad, you can come in,” Dan yelled.

Dan’s Dad opened the door.

“I was um, talking to Phil,” Dan said. Why had he agreed to this? This was going to be so awkward. “And he wanted to say hi.”   
  
“Hi!” Phil said brightly waving to the screen as Dan turned it to show his Dad. His Dad sat down on the end of his bed and smiled.

“I’m Phil,” Phil smiled.

“Nice to meet you,” Dan’s Dad laughed. “Thanks for making this one so happy,” he looked at Dan and Dan blushed.

“Oh, he makes me pretty happy too,” Phil said happily.

“But thanks for helping him out so much, I really appreciate it,” his Dad said.

“Oh, that’s okay.” Phil said. “I’m glad that um, you are helping him too. Well, I better let you guys talk.”

“I’ll call you back later,” Dan said to Phil. 

“Sorry, Phil, I won’t keep him too long,” Dan’s Dad laughed.

“I don’t mind, well bye!” Phil said cheerily, ending the call.

“Er, well that was Phil,” Dan blushed. What had his Dad thought of him? What if he didn’t like Phil?

“He seemed nice,” his Dad said. “He’s a bright guy, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, he is,” Dan laughed.

“Well, he seems like a good fellow, Dan, I know I’ve said this already, but I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks for being so great about this all,” Dan said, overwhelmed again by his Dad’s unexpected support.

“Dan, I’m just doing what any parent should,” he said seriously. “Now, I’m really sorry about your Mum, I don’t think there’s much we can do about what happened…we’ll have to see what the school responds with,” he sighed.

“But what do I do about Ryan?” Dan said nervously.

“Well, fingers crossed he doesn’t hear about this.” 

“But if he does?” 

“Just try to ignore him. I mean try to avoid him, but obviously you can’t. I guess, just be on guard,” Dan’s Dad sighed. “I wish I had better advice.” 

“It’s okay, Dad.” 

“I made your mother promise not to interfere again,” he said seriously. 

“Okay,” Dan said. 

“I think she was trying to help, but she just…” his Dad stopped.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine,” Dan said, even though it wasn’t.

“Well, it’s not. But, we can’t change it now. I’ve got her password and stuff, so I’ll be checking for a response all day. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything,” he said.

“Thanks,” Dan sighed.

“Anyway, that’s all. Good luck with Ryan tomorrow. If you need me at any time you can call, I might not be able to get to it straight away, but I will as soon as I can.” 

“Okay, thanks Dad,” Dan said.

“Well, goodnight,” he began to leave the room but Dan stopped him.

“Oh, Dad,” Dan said. “Can I um…well I just wanted to mention something.”

Dan’s heart was beating really fast…what if his Dad said no?

“Anything, Dan.” 

“Well, um, Phil’s parents, um, said that if I wanted to, and if it was okay with you, um, over the summer, I could stay with them for a bit,” Dan said quickly, “and um, I guess I was wondering if you thought that maybe that could happen?” 

“Dan,” his Dad laughed. “You think I would stop you from seeing your boyfriend?” 

“Er,” 

“Dan of course you can stay! This is fantastic! What a wonderful thing to look forward to.”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief, his Dad said yes!

“That’s so nice they asked you. Where do they live?” he asked.

“Er…Manchester,” Dan admitted. 

“Oh, okay, that’s a bit further than I thought,” he frowned.

“Oh yeah! I forgot, the train ticket is my birthday present from Phil,” Dan said.

“Oh Dan, I can pay for your train ticket,” his Dad sighed.

“Oh...oh, thanks, I’ll tell Phil, he might want to pay I don’t know,” Dan said quickly, surprised that his Dad would pay for him. 

“Well, you just let me know the details of this trip, and then we can work out the money and well, your mother,” his Dad sighed. “Don’t worry it will happen, I won’t let her stop you going.” 

“Really?” Dan smiled, his heart beating fasted…could this be real? Was he actually going to meet Phil?

“Of course.” 

“Thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou,” Dan jumped up and hugged his Dad.

“Alright,” Dan’s Dad laughed. “That’s okay, well, goodnight Dan.”

“So I can tell Phil I can come?” 

“Yes go tell him,” Dan’s Dad laughed, and Dan started calling Phil the second his Dad left the room.

“PHIL HE SAID YES,” Dan couldn’t contain his excitement.

“To coming?” Phil asked. 

“HE SAID I WAS GOING AND HE SAID HE’D SORT MUM OUT AND” Dan stopped for breath.

“We’re meeting?” Phil grinned.  

“We’re gonna finally meet Phil!” Dan said, quieter, just in case his Dad could hear him.

“Bear I’m gonna cry!” Phil said, placing his hands on his cheeks.

“I can’t believe it,” Dan said, feeling like crying himself.

“Summer’s only a month away,” Phil said. 

“Oh my god,” Dan said, heart racing. He would be meeting Phil so soon. He would be seeing him in real life. 

“I’m finally going to be able to give you a big hug,” Phil smiled.

“I’m never going to let go,” Dan said.

“I can’t even express how excited I feel right now,” Phil said.

“Me neither,” Dan laughed, and Phil laughed too.

All of Dan’s worries seemed to vanish, replaced by visions of touching Phil’s hair, and holding his hand and cuddling together as long as they wanted. He could hear his voice, and see his beautiful face up close and they could go on real dates. He could stare into his blue eyes, and they could talk right next to each other and do whatever they wanted together. Nothing about school seemed important anymore, all that mattered was that soon enough, he would be meeting Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for your patience waiting for this chapter! :) I haven't been sleeping well lately so it's been hard to get writing done :( But anyway, here's a long chapter! Thanks for reading <3

Dan was absolutely terrified. He dreaded to think what could happen if Ryan found out about the email. Despite what Phil had said, Dan didn’t believe anything good could come from the email. He’d like to think that his school could stop Ryan, but his brain was far to occupied worrying about what Ryan would do to him when he found out. Just thinking about the whole situation was enough to make Dan feel nauseas and shaky, and every moment at school felt like absolute torture.

By Wednesday, the school still hadn’t responded to the email, which was making Dan more and more worried. Had they read it? Were they just planning on ignoring it? Dan couldn’t decide whether he wanted them to act on it or not. All he knew was, he didn’t want things with Ryan to get any worse. Every time Ryan came up to him he felt like he was having an internal meltdown, his brain fearful of a thousand horrible things that could happen. It became even harder to walk away when Ryan was following him and even harder remind himself what Ryan said didn’t matter. Despite the newfound support of his Dad, and Phil’s ongoing kind words, at school Dan was feeling more worthless than ever. As soon as he got home, he knew their words weren’t true, but it was another story when surrounded by the usual mob of homophobic teenagers, yelling everything and anything to make him hate himself. Dan wished he could just ignore all the insults, but they still got to him every time, making him feel stupid and useless.

On top of this, many of Ryan’s friends seemed to take it as a challenge to punch Dan in class without the teachers noticing, and if Dan ever reacted or a noise of pain slipped out, he would usually get in trouble for interrupting the class. This only served as a greater incentive for Ryan’s gang to keep it up. The last few days had given him bruises all over his arms, blue and purple in so many places. They hurt like hell. He’d been told off in class multiple times for not doing the work, when in reality his arm had been too sore to fathom moving a pencil.

Dan was becoming torn of how much to tell Phil about school. Phil wanted to know, but Dan felt so bad every time Phil got upset. Phil seemed to be becoming dimmer, his bright words and hopeful statements were wavering. In the past, Phil always had an answer for everything, a different way to look at the situation. But now things were so bad, Dan could tell Phil was having trouble figuring out what to say.

On Wednesday afternoon, Dan finally plucked up the courage to show Phil how bad the bruises on his arms were. Phil’s lip was quivering when Dan showed him, and he could tell Phil was trying his hardest not to cry. Dan felt bad that his own bullying was affecting Phil so much. He knew it was only because Phil cared so much about him, which was beyond incredible, but he still hated to see the sad look in his eyes every time Dan talked about school. He also worried he was just bringing back all of Phil’s bad school memories, but every time Dan mentioned it Phil assured him that wasn’t the case. Dan still wasn’t even sure what had happened to Phil, but Phil said he wanted to be able to tell Dan when they were together.

“That way I can hug you when you get sad,” Phil reasoned, when Dan bought it up again after showing Phil his bruises.  

“Phil, I think you’ll be the one needing a hug,” Dan said.

“Ah, probably,” Phil said softly. “Well, we can hug each other.”

“To be honest Phil, as soon as we are together, I don’t think there are going to be many moments when I’m not hugging you,” Dan said.

“Well we have months and months to make up for,” Phil said.

They’d arranged their meeting for the first week of Dan’s holidays, neither wanting to wait a day longer than they needed to finally be together.  Dan’s mum didn’t exactly know yet…but his Dad had assured him it wouldn’t be a problem.

Thinking and talking about what would happen when they met, became Dan’s coping mechanism for dealing with everything. At school, the only thing that could get Dan’s mind off his worries and fears, was imagining being with Phil in real life. Most of the time, he couldn’t stop his heart beating with excitement, thinking of how incredible their time together would be. Although, there were some parts Dan was pretty nervous about.

“Phil, when we meet, are we going to kiss?” Dan asked that same afternoon.

“I’d love to, but only if you want to,” Phil said kindly.

“Of course I want to!” Dan laughed. “I just-“ How did he explain what he was feeling? He couldn’t even explain it to himself. Just looking at Phil’s lips made him fantasise about how they might feel on his, but at the same time he felt nervous in a way he couldn’t articulate.

“I understand,” Phil said, without Dan needing to say anything. “But remember, it’s just me, I’m not scary, am I?”

“Terrifying,” Dan joked and Phil pouted.

“I just don’t want to get it wrong,” Dan said.

“You can’t,” Phil smiled.

“But what if I do?” Dan asked.

“Okay, I’m not sure what you think you would do wrong, but if you do, then we’d just kiss again! Problem solved,” Phil said.

“What if you don’t like my kisses?” Dan said nervously and Phil started laughing. 

“Sorry, not laughing at you,” Phil said, still laughing. “It’s just, that’s so silly Bear! Of course, I’ll like your kisses. As long as their your lips, I’ll love them.”

“Okay,” Dan blushed.

“Don’t stress over this! We’ll kiss when you’re ready, and when you are it will be wonderful, okay?”

“Okay, but I’m still worried,” Dan said. “Are you worried?”

“About kissing?”

“No, just about meeting in general,” Dan asked. Phil was so perfect at alleviating Dan’s nerves about meeting. He didn’t seem at all nervous himself, but Dan suspected he was probably feeling the same kind of butterflies Dan often felt.

“Oh!” Phil said surprised. “Um, I don’t know, I mean a little bit, but I’m just so excited. Well, I’m a bit nervous how you’ll find my family, I guess,”

“I’m sure I’ll love them,” Dan assured him. “but what if they don’t like me?”

“They already love you,” Phil laughed.

“They don’t know me though!”

“Well, I promise that’s not something you have to worry about.”

“Can we talk about what we are going to do again?” Dan smiled. They’d spent hours over the past few days, talking about all the things they could do in Manchester together, but it was a conversation that Dan wasn’t going to grow tired of anytime soon.  

“Well, Starbucks is a must,” Phil said.

“Yeah, real Starbucks date,” Dan agreed.

“We could go on the Manchester Eye, and there’s loads of cool restaurants we could eat at, plus we can do so much stuff at my house! We can watch movies together and play videos games next to each other and I’m sure Mum will cook us lots of great meals,”

“You have to cook for me!” Dan said. “You said, you said in our first call one day you would cook for me.”

“Oh! Yeah I forgot, I did, didn’t I?” Phil laughed. “Well, I’ll cook for you one night!”

“And we have to play board games too, like not over the internet, on actual boards,” Dan said.

They continued talking about all the things they could do together for hours, and Dan couldn’t stop smiling as he imagined how amazing the week with Phil was going to be.

“But what about like the moment we meet,” Dan said suddenly.

“Well, you’ll get off the train, and I’ll be standing on the platform waiting for you. I’ll wear a really bright shirt so you can see me easily.”  
  
“Can I hug you the second I see you?” Dan asked. 

“Well, if you do I might never let go,” Phil said. 

“Well, even if we spend the whole week standing there hugging, it will be the best week of my life,” Dan said.

“I’ll probably be crying,” Phil said. 

“Me too,” Dan admitted. Even though they’d talked so much about meeting, sometimes Dan found it hard to believe they actually were.

“Oh hey, my Dad just messaged,” Dan said, checking his phone, and growing worried all of a sudden. “Oh, he said his boss is letting him leave early, and he wants to talk to me over dinner.”

“That’s great!” Phil smiled.

“It’s probably about Ryan! Oh no, the school might have replied,” Dan said, beginning to panic.

“Oh, oh, well I hope it’s okay,” Phil sighed, seeming to be at a loss for words again. “Call me after?”

“Of course,” Dan said. “Well, better go.”

“I love you!” Phil said quickly.

“Love you too,” Dan chuckled as he ended the phone call and headed into the kitchen, where he found his Dad waiting with takeaway pizza.

“So,’ his Dad said as they began eating. “Your school principal called me today.”

“Right,” Dan said, feeling nervous. What had they said? 

“Well the good news is, I don’t think Ryan will find out,” his Dad said quickly.

“Really?” Dan asked, feeling relieved for a minute before realising what this meant. “Wait-“

“They basically said they wouldn’t do anything,” his Dad said sadly.

“Oh,” Dan said. It wasn’t a surprise, his school had never gone to any effort to address bullying. “What did they say though?”

“A whole lot of rubbish,” he said angrily. “Some ridiculous statements about how boys will be boys, and needing to toughen up to prepare for the real world, which isn’t true Dan,” his Dad said seriously, but Dan couldn’t find any words to respond. “I told them you couldn’t keep getting this injured this much at school, and they said there was nothing they could do.”

As much as Dan hadn’t wanted Ryan to find out, Dan suddenly realised that if the school weren’t going to do anything, then that meant nothing was going to change. Dan couldn’t do anything to make him stop, so there was going to be no end to this bullying. There was nothing he could do now, except endure Ryan’s taunting until he finished school.

“I’m really sorry Dan,” his Dad said sincerely and Dan nodded. “I know this seems bad, and it is bad, but I might be able to figure something out.”

“Thanks for trying,” Dan sighed. He didn’t see the point in hoping that his Dad could somehow make things better when it was obvious nothing was going to change.  He felt empty all of a sudden, and he wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t as if he’d been expecting things to change, but he hadn’t realised that he’d still had some hope things would change. Now…now there was nothing. “I think I’m going to go to bed,” he lied, just wanting to be able to talk to Phil.

“If you like,” his Dad said. “I’m not offended if you just want to go talk to Phil.”

“Oh,” Dan blushed.

“Just give me a hug first,” he said and Dan stood up and put his arms around his Dad, shoulder hurting as he did so.

“It’s going to be okay Dan,” his Dad said. Dan nodded but he didn’t believe him in the slightest.

He called Phil back and told him the news. He was Phil’s face fall as he told him what the school said, and saw him bury his head in his hands without saying anything.

“Phil?” Dan asked, after a minute of silence.

“Sorry,” Phil sighed looking up, face now teary. “I don’t…I just don’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay, Phil. This time, there just isn’t an answer,” Dan sighed.  

“I-“ Phil faltered.

“You don’t have to say anything, Phil,” Dan sighed, knowing that even Phil couldn’t make this better.

“How are you feeling though?” Phil asked gently. And maybe it was that familiar gentle voice, that finally triggered Dan’s tears.

“Phil I’m scared,” Dan admitted.

“I know, but you’ve managed for this long, it’s just a few more weeks,” Phil said slowly. Phil always said things like this, but this time Dan could tell that he didn’t believe what he was saying.

“Phil, I can tell you’re scared too,” Dan said, and Phil dropped his gaze. “I know you’re trying to be brave for me, but you don’t have to be.”

Phil still didn’t speak.

“Phil?” he asked. “What, what are you thinking?”

“Ok, I’m scared too,” Phil sobbed. “I don’t know what to suggest, and I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, and I don’t want anything to happen…and I just don’t know.”

Now Dan wasn’t sure what to say.

“I want to be able to make things better for you, but I can’t,” Phil sobbed.

“Phil you always make things better,” Dan said.

“But this isn’t fixed!” Phil said angrily. “I want Ryan to just, to just fucking go away.” 

“Me too,” Dan sighed. “but it’s not your job to fix this,”

“I know, but I wish I could,” Phil wiped away some tears. “How about we go on another date tomorrow…I know it won’t change school, but maybe it will cheer us both up a bit?”

“Sounds good,” Dan smiled.

“Good, I’ve already got a plan,” Phil said, smiling for the first time since Dan told him the news.

When Dan woke up the following morning, he had this unsettling feeling of impending doom. Now he knew the school wasn’t going to do anything, his mind was in full on panic mode. He knew summer was only a few weeks away, but after that, how was he meant to get through another year? He already felt like he needed about 10 years to recover from what had already happened, how was he going to cope with another year of insults and punches? Dan was beginning to think he was going to be lucky if he escaped high school without any major injuries, because at this rate his shoulder was never going to heal.

The date was a good idea, giving Dan a reason to get out of bed and something to think about all day in between insults from Ryan and punches from various people. Although, Dan was beginning to feel a little angry too, realizing how unfair this whole situation was. He’d done everything he was meant to, told his parents, contacted the school and yet nothing was going to change. In Dan’s mind, everything was just going to get worse, which was a terrifying thought. So terrifying he couldn’t stop his body from shaking all day.

Dan was about to head off for his final class, when he checked his phone.

Phil: Can’t wait for our date ^_^ Can I pick you up from school (well, call you?)

Dan: YES!!!! omg i can’t wait today has been absolutely awful

Phil: Oh Bear, I’m so sorry, you ok?  
  
Dan: not really :(

Phil: One day this will all be better, I promise

Dan: I hope so, better go

Phil: I love you <3

Dan: I love you too Phil <3

Dan had sport last, which he had (like always) conveniently forgotten his sports uniform for so sat out on the sidelines, watching everyone else run laps of the oval. It was boring at times, but at least this way he could freely think about his date with Phil, and meeting Phil, and just generally think about how much he loved Phil. He found himself smiling and blushing many times – he really hoped that no one had noticed. Well, he hoped Ryan wouldn’t notice. But they were all so far away from him he doubted they could see him.

The school bell rang and Dan began walking back into the school, with a huge sense of relief. The school day had seemed to go on forever, and now he could finally leave and go on his date with Phil. He just had to quickly grab his stuff and then he could get out before Ryan caught up to him. Dan started walking up the staircase back into the main building when he heard Ryan yell out.

Noooo. Just when he’d thought he could slip out of school quickly, here was Ryan again.

“Hey fat loser,” he yelled, and Dan heard the usual cackle of his friends behind him. “Sat out of P.E again because you’re such a gaylord?” he laughed, and despite the fact his insult made no sense, Dan felt the familiar waves of stress pass through his entire body. He was shaking so much, he had to hold on to the stair railing just to make sure he wouldn’t fall over.

“What were you smiling at the whole time, Howell, thinking of fucking Phil?” Ryan sneered.

“No,” Dan said defensively, blushing. Sure, he had been thinking about Phil, but nothing like that. He kept walking up the stairs. 

“Sure, you weren’t, I saw you the whole time,” Ryan sneered, and it suddenly occurred to Dan.

“Wait, why were you even looking at me?” Dan said stopping at the top of the staircase, suddenly remembering he had been sitting quite a distance from where the class were running their laps. Ryan would have had to be making an effort to look at Dan to even notice him smiling.

“I wasn’t,” Ryan said quickly. Ryan’s friends had now caught up with Dan and Ryan at the top of the staircase, and had formed their usual mob around them.

“But I was ages away,” Dan said, and saw Ryan’s features by taken over by an incredible rage. Dan suddenly realised he’d made a big mistake. Why had he talked back to Ryan? Oh shit oh shit oh shit, what was Ryan going to do now? Dan was stuck…in the middle of the group, with a very very angry looking Ryan. He looked so angry, he was so red in the face himself, that Dan wouldn’t be surprised if exploded right in front of him.

“Oooooh,” one of his friends mocked. “Why were you looking at Dan, Ryan?”

Other people in the group came up with similar taunts, and Dan frantically tried to escape from the mob surrounding him. He could see the anger growing in Ryan’s eyes, and he didn’t want to be anywhere near him. He was more scared than he’d ever been. Why couldn’t he have just kept his mouth shut?

“Yeah, Ryan, you spend an awful lot of time looking at Dan, now I think of it,” someone said, and more laughter ensued.

Dan could see Ryan clenching his fists, and knowing just how well Ryan dealt with his anger, Dan wanted to scream in fear. He’d never felt so shaky or so nauseas, or felt such genuine fear in his entire life.  He was beyond terrified at the look on Ryan’s face…he was scared Ryan was going to destroy him with his bare hands.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Ryan yelled so loud that some of his own friends seemed scared too, and began to back away. Dan saw a gap in the group surrounding them and took it as an opportunity to escape Ryan, however Ryan took a swift step after him and raised his arms.

Screaming internally, Dan raised his hands to cover his head, hoping to protect himself from what seemed to be inevitable damage. However, Ryan didn’t even aim for Dan’s head. No his powerful fist, made direct contact with Dan’s already injured shoulder. 

The punch was fueled by Ryan’s incredible anger, and accordingly caused Dan more pain than he’d ever experienced in his life. The pain, paired with his incredible fear Ryan would strike again, was enough to make Dan lose his balance, in the worst possible place he could have lost his balance – the top of the 37 concrete stairs Ryan had just followed him up.

Dan couldn’t exactly remember what happened next. In his memory it was just this huge abyss of pain and darkness. Everything seemed blurred. The only thing he could clearly remember was the sound of a loud snap from his right shoulder. Everything else was just pain.

Dan couldn’t really see anything. There was grey in his vision. Everything hurt. He wished he could chop off his shoulder it hurt so much. He couldn’t hear anything. His vision went black. He couldn’t feel anything for a moment, then all at once, he could feel everything. A moan escaped his lips. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What had happened? He felt dizzy. He couldn’t figure out where any of his limbs were. He wanted to throw up.

Where was he? Was he still at school? He heard panicked voices which was strange, no one ever panicked when he was injured before. His eyelids were too heavy to open _._ He wanted to move but everything hurt so much. He felt like he was inside a moving vehicle, although his perception was so distorted he couldn’t really tell.

What had happened? Why did he feel like this? He remembered stairs…way too many stairs, and then suddenly it all came back. The mob of people, the fear, Ryan punching him in the shoulder…the snap from his shoulder as he fell down so many stairs. Was he in an ambulance? Was he on his way to hospital? Did his parents know?

Then he remembered. Phil. He was mean to be on a date with Phil right now. Phil was going to be so worried about him when he didn’t hear from him. Oh no, Phil was probably beside himself with worry. Phil had to know.

“Phil,” Dan said desperately, hoping someone would hear him and tell Phil he was okay. Was he okay though? He didn’t know….he didn’t really feel okay.

“Oh thank God,” Dan heard a familiar voice say. Who was that? It wasn’t Phil…it took his brain a few moments to realise it was is Dad. His Dad! His Dad could tell Phil.

“Phil,” Dan said again, not able to get out any further instructions.

“Phil’s just fine, Dan,” he heard his Dad say with a shaky voice. “Don’t worry about Phil. Phil’s not worried about you, so you don’t need to be worried about him, okay?”

Did Phil know what happened? Wait, how did his Dad even know what happened? Dan had no idea what was going on.

“Don’t worry about anything. Just listen to me. You’re going to be absolutely fine. We’re about to get out of this ambulance, and they’re going to take you in for some tests and things, okay?”

Tests? What kind of tests? Were they going to hurt?

The next few hours were a series of strange machines and too many doctors for Dan to keep track of. He kept his eyes closed for most of it, he was simply too tired and in too much pain to keep them open for very long. Doctors kept asking him questions. There were way too many questions. His Dad answered a lot of them for him, but Dan had to keep telling them what hurt and how he was feeling. He didn’t even know how he was feeling. He just felt weird and sore. Really really sore.

Eventually they got to a point where there were no more doctors, and Dan was left alone in room by himself in a hospital bed. Dan was confused. Everything hurt too much for him to think clearly. Should he be worried about himself?

“Hey Dan,” His Dad said suddenly, giving Dan a freight. How long had he been there? Dan opened his eyes.

“I just got the results of all your tests, and you’re going to be okay,” he shot Dan a small smile.

“What’s wrong with me?” Dan moaned, he couldn’t be completely fine…he felt so awful.

“Nothing to worry about, well, you have a concussion, but the doctors didn’t seem worried so you shouldn’t be either,” his Dad said. Dan hated to admit it, but his Dad sounded worried. “They want you to stay overnight for observation, just in case, nothing to worry about.”

“Everything hurts,” Dan said.

“I know,” Dan’s Dad frowned. “You’ve um, hurt a lot of different places. Lots of sprains they said.”

“My shoulder kills Dad,” Dan groaned.

“Ah, yes, um, you…you’ve broken your shoulder Dan.”

“Oh,” was all Dan could manage to say.

“It will heal. Fortunately, you don’t need surgery,” His Dad said quickly. “They can give you some more painkillers if you want, they just weren’t quite sure how much you needed.”   
  
“Oh yeah, more’s good,” Dan said.

“Well, you might be a little drowsy and out of it, for the rest of the night. But I’m not going anywhere, okay? If you wake up at any point and I’m not around, I’ll be right back okay?”   
  
“Okay,” Dan said, suddenly wondering where his Mum was. Probably still at work….

“Just relax, and don’t worry about anything,” his Dad kept telling him.

Dan kept slipping in and out of sleep. He was attached to lots of machines and people kept checking on him. He wasn’t sure what they were checking, Dan just wanted to sleep, but he could never sleep for long with all the different people coming in and out of the room. He heard his Dad’s voice at times, and the nurses voices at other times, although Dan couldn’t be sure what was real, half the time he just felt like he was dreaming. He felt so confused and he kept having trouble remembering what was going on.

At some point hours later, Dan woke up to the curtains had been closed, and only a dim lamp in the corner was on. It was still too bright to look at so Dan closed his eyes again. He could hear his Dad talking to someone, although he was whispering and so was quiet he couldn’t make out what they were saying.

Then Dan heard someone crying…he wasn’t sure who. It didn’t sound like his Dad. Maybe it was his Mum, but it didn’t sound like her either.

“He’s going to be okay,” his Dad whispered.

“I know, I just, I’ve been so scared,” the other voice said. It sounded familiar, but for some reason Dan couldn’t quite place it. It didn’t help they were whispering and crying at the same time.

“Me too,”

“The train ride over here, I was..I felt like I was dying,.”

“I know, I’ve had trouble breathing ever since I saw him sprawled at the bottom of those stairs.”

“I can’t..oh it must have been awful, I want to throw up thinking about it,” the voice said.   
  
“My heart felt like it had stopped…I didn’t breathe until we were in the ambulance and he said your name,”

Who’s name? Was his Dad talking about him or not? Dan could hear louder sobs now. Was he imagining this? Once again he couldn’t tell if he was awake or if he was just dreaming.  

“Hey, it’s okay, he’s going to be just fine, come on, you look like you need a hug,” his Dad said.

“He’s going to hate you for getting a hug from me before he does,” the other voice said. 

“What do you mean?” 

“We had it all planned, we weren’t meant to meet like this.”

“Have you…wait, you, you haven’t met yet, have you?”

“Oh no oh no oh no, oh my gosh he’s going to hate me…Oh my god, I’m such an idiot. Oh no please don’t blame him, don’t be angry at him”

“Phil,” his Dad said.

Phil? Wow, now Dan knew he was dreaming. A vivid dream, but he let it continue. It was nice to imagine Phil amongst all his pain. Although, it was weird to think he would be talking to his Dad…and mentioning they hadn’t met. At least it was just a dream.

“Relax, I’m not angry at Dan,” his Dad continued. “Don’t stress, I won’t tell him you let it slip. Although, I’m confused…you’ve only ever talked online?”

“I’m sorry, I promise…I really love Dan, I’d never to anything to hurt him, I’m not some crazy internet predator I promise”

“Phil you just travelled across the country to be here, you’ve been crying for hours, you don’t need to prove anything to me.”

Wow, imagine if Phil had come all the way to see him. Dan couldn’t imagine what it would be like to see him in the hospital. Dan realised he probably looked awful, so it was good this was a dream. Even if he sort of wished Phil could be here.

“When we first started talking, I swear, I didn’t mean to, we were just going to be friends.”

“Well, maybe you were, Phil, but I think Dan always had other ideas. Don’t tell him I said that.”

Thank God it was just a dream. Imagine if his Dad actually said that to Phil?

“It’s okay, he sort of already told me as much.”

“Well, I have absolutely no idea about this whole internet thing. I don’t know how you’ve made it work, but I’m glad you did,”

“Oh, um, well me too,”

“Phil, I wouldn’t have been able to get to him quickly enough if you didn’t call me.”

“I’m glad I called, I thought I was being stupid. I wish I hadn’t waited five minutes.”

“I wish the bloody school had called me. Hey, I might just go get something to eat, can I get you a coffee or anything?”

“Oh that’s fine, thankyou though, what do I do if he wakes?”

“Ah, you’ll figure it out,”   
  
“But is he like, will he want to see me?”   
  
“Oh, I think it will probably make this all worth from him. Although, don’t expect too much from him, he hasn’t talked much, and his reactions are pretty, well he’s not really reacting to anything much. Don’t be offended or anything,”

“Oh I won’t, I just want him to be ok.”

“He is okay, Phil, and I’m sure it will mean the world to him that you’re here. Anyway, I’ll be back soon,”

Dan heard footsteps leaving the room, and the room went quiet. If this was a dream why was it quiet all of a sudden? His shoulder still hurt a lot…wait, if this was a dream, why did Dan still feel so much pain? You weren’t meant to feel pain in dreams.

Dan opened his eyes and slowly moved them around the room. He saw a figure sitting on a chair by his hospital bed, looking down at the floor. He wore shoes Dan would recognise anywhere, although he’d only ever seem them as pixels behind a screen. His eyes travelled up. Black skinny jeans on really, really nice legs. He hadn’t had much of a chance to see those legs…well if they were the legs he was beginning to think they were. He recognised his familiar torso, and hands clenched tightly together like they always did when he was worried about something.

Was this a dream? Was it some kind  hallucination? He couldn’t be here…could it really be him? Dan couldn’t see his face, as his black hair falling down, obscuring it. But deep down…Dan knew it was him. He didn’t need to see his face to know exactly who it was.

Still, he still couldn’t quite believe he was really here. How was it physically possible he was here? Time meant nothing to Dan at the moment…but he must have gone to a huge effort to get here. His university was hours away. How had he so quickly? Dan wouldn’t have believed it was possible...but the figure in front of him was saying that it was. 

He was here…he was actually here. In the same room as Dan. Right now, Dan could just open his mouth and say his name and talk to him. Dan couldn’t wait any longer to talk to him. He didn’t care if he was bruised, in a hospital gown and connected to machines. He didn’t care that they weren’t meeting in the perfect circumstances that they’d planned.  All that mattered was that he was here, and they could finally look at each other without a screen in the way.  He couldn’t wait a single second longer to talk to him. 

“Phil?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for stressing you all out! I nearly left this on a cliffhanger after Dan fell down the stairs, but I realised that would be way to stressful :)  
> I hope this cliffhanger was a better one - prepare for loads of fluff in the next chapter :D


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

The moment Dan began to say Phil’s name, Phil’s head flicked up. Dan couldn’t believe it - after years of watching Phil’s face through a screen he was finally able to see it with his own eyes. Dan had always thought Phil was beautiful, but it was clear now that their cameras had always masked how beautiful he really was. He looked like some kind of angel. Perhaps it was just the lighting in the room, but his skin looked so flawless, it was like he was glowing. His features, which were so familiar, were somehow more perfect than they had ever been before. He had these magnificent cheekbones Dan felt like he had never quite appreciated before, and his lips looked softer than their webcams could ever capture.

“Hey Bear,” Phil smiled. It was really him. He was right there, sitting right beside Dan’s hospital bed, looking at him like he was the most important thing in the world.

“Hi,” Dan giggled, unable to stop his happiness from spilling out. “You’re really here,” he smiled, marvelling at how real Phil looked. Of course, Dan had always known he was real, but it still seemed so strange he was now sitting right beside Dan.

“Course I am,” Phil smiled, but Dan was confused. How had Phil known he was in hospital? Wait, why was Dan in hospital?

“Why am I here Phil?” Dan asked. Suddenly a memory flashed into his mind… _the stairs, the pain,_  Dan winced and shut his eyes tight, wishing to forget it. But it seemed to be replaying over in his mind, and Dan heard himself moaning as he remembered the pain. The mere memory, seemed to make everything even more painful now. His head was pounding…where was he again?

“Hey, are you okay?” a voice said softly. “I mean, stupid question, just, I mean, can I get you anything, do I need to get a nurse or-“

That voice…

Dan opened his eyes.

“Phil!” he smiled. Why had he had closed his eyes when he could have been looking at Phil? He looked from Phil’s nice legs, to his broad chest, up to his face, eyes scanning all his beautiful features, until he reached his eyes. Suddenly he forgot everything. Phil’s eyes were unbelievable. Dan had always thought they were blue, but they were covered in little green and yellow specks, which swirled around his irises in an incredible pattern. They had so much depth to them, like they went on forever. Dan never wanted to look away.  

“Phil, your eyes,” Dan said, mesmerised.

“Oh, sorry,” Phil said looking away suddenly. No! He wanted to keep looking…they’d been so pretty. “They might look a bit red, but I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

What was Phil talking about? Dan hadn’t even noticed that Phil’s eyes were red, he was too lost looking at how beautiful the irises of his eyes were.  

“No, your eyes, they’re so beautiful Phil,” Dan explained and Phil turned back, filling Dan’s heart with warmth as he could gaze into them again. Wow, they were Phil’s eyes…they were such nice eyes. “Phil…they’re like wow…” Dan said, unable to articulate just how incredible he thought they were.

“Oh thanks,” Phil laughed.

“They are! They’re so many colours, Phil. I thought they were just blue, but they’ve got all these little green and yellow specks too Phil!” Dan giggled. He couldn’t believe he was looking at Phil’s eyes. Phil was looking back at him, with a certain fondness. Dan wondered why he had such a loving look in his eyes…

“Your eyes are beautiful too, Bear,” Phil said. 

“Really?” Dan asked. Phil thought he was beautiful? Is that why his eyes looked so in love?

“So beautiful, more beautiful than our skype calls could ever show,” Phil said softly.  Dan smiled as he realised Phil’s voice was so much softer than it seemed through his computer speakers. It was so gentle and kind, and had this calming quality that made him feel like he could just fall back to sleep….

 

Dan opened his eyes to see complete darkness. That was weird…his room wasn’t usually this dark.  _Oh hospital, right._ Dan was having trouble keeping track of what was going on. He couldn’t remember why he was in so much pain or why his head felt so weird. He cast his mind back, trying to remember what had happened, when suddenly the memory of falling down stairs entered his mind again. He shook is head, as if trying to shake the memory out, but all that did was make his head start throbbing. He wanted to cry, everything hurt so much, he just wanted all the pain to go away. Dan let out a moan and heard movement.

“Bear, bear you okay?” A voice said. Bear….only one person called him that.

“Phil?” Dan asked. Was Phil really here? He tried to remember what happened before he went to sleep, but it was like his mind was stuck.

“Your Dad literally just went to the bathroom, what do I do, do I call a nurse?” Phil said, he sounded worried.

“Um, maybe, everything really hurts,” Dan winced, and within a few moments a nurse had already arrived, and began checking on all the machines surrounding Dan. Why were their so many machines? She began asking him questions. Had he thrown up? No. Did he feel too hot or cold? No. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much did everything hurt. 10. She took his blood pressure, and measured his heartrate, and changed around the strange tube that was connected to his hand. 

“Can you make it not hurt?” Dan said, crying now.

“I’ve just given you some more pain relief, that should kick in soon, is there anything else I can do for you?” She asked.

“My brain also feels really weird,” he admitted, trying to stop crying. 

“That’s okay, concussions can do that to you,” she said. He had a concussion? Had he known that? He tried to remember. He thought his Dad said something about a concussion, but he couldn’t quite remember what. “You might feel a bit confused and you might have trouble remembering things, but that’s perfectly fine.” She began leaving the room.

“I’ll just be one sec,” Phil said to Dan and followed her out. Where was Phil going? Now Dan was all alone. How had Phil got to the hospital so fast? He didn’t know what was going on. Dan was surprised that his head wasn’t throbbing anymore, nor was his shoulder. It was still sore…way too sore, but he felt a bit better. He wasn’t crying anymore. He didn’t feel like he needed to cry anymore either.

Dan watched as Phil walked back into the room. He was taller than Dan had thought. Well, he’d known he was tall, but somehow Dan hadn’t realised just how tall he was. He had legs too - he’d seen his legs occasionally in videos, but he’d never been able to appreciate how nice they were. Phil sat back down in the chair. Wow…he was just so beautiful. Every part of him was just so perfect. He couldn’t believe this perfect boy was all his. 

“I love you Phil,” Dan said smiling again.

“I love you too,” Phil said, but this time his voice sounded shaky. Dan looked at his eyes, and it looked like he was about to cry. Why was Phil sad? They were finally together, he should be happy! Dan watched as a tear fell out of Phil’s eye.

“Oh no!” Dan said. “Phil! Why are you sad?”

“Sorry,” Phil said, wiping away his tear. “I’m not sad, I’m fine, I promise.”  
  
“Then why are you crying?” Dan asked.

“I just love you a lot,” Phil said, shedding another tear.

“Oh…” Dan said. He was confused…should he be crying too? 

“I’m just really glad you’re ok, that’s all,” Phil said, wiping away more tears. “The nurse, I just, I wanted to ask her, and she said that you were doing great. Sorry,” Phil sniffed. “It’s just been a really emotional day, but look at you Bear, you’re so brave. If anyone should be crying its you, not me!”   
  
“Would it help if I cried too?” Dan asked and Phil let out a small laugh.

“That’s okay,” Phil smiled, but Dan could see he was still crying. Dan looked down and could see Phil’s hands shaking. He still didn’t understand, why was Phil crying? Dan couldn’t think of anything to say. He wished he could just hold Phil’s hands to help him feel better. Wait…there were no screens anymore!  How had he not realised? He could finally touch Phil!

“Can I hold your hand Phil?” Dan asked.

“Huh?”

“I can hold your hand! It will make you feel better!” Dan said.

“That’s very sweet, but,” he sighed, “um, I’m not sure if you can.”

“Why not?” Dan said sadly. He didn’t see any reason why they couldn’t now that they were right next to each other. “There are no screens anymore Phil!”

“But, um, Bear, I don’t want to hurt you,” Phil said gently.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked. Why would Phil hurt him?

“Well, um, your hands might be a bit sore, I wouldn’t want to hurt you.”

“Oh…but,” Dan said, unable to tear his gaze of Phil’s hands. He knew everything hurt a lot but he still wanted to hold Phil’s hand. He thought about his hands...they hurt, a lot. His left one wasn’t as bad though. 

“Hold my left one! It’s okay! It hurts a bit, but I want to hold your hand!”   
  
“Um…well you’ve got your drip in there,” Phil said. What was he talking about? Dan looked down at his hand.

“Oh, that thing!” Dan said, looking at it closely for the first time. It that had a long tube coming out of it, which was connected to a plastic bag on a silver stand. “What is it?” he asked.

“It’s your IV tube, to give you all your medicine and stuff,” Phil frowned, and Dan looked back down at the thing in his hand. It didn’t hurt at all. Well, maybe a little bit, but it seemed like nothing compared to everything else.

“Oh, well you can still hold my hand,” Dan said.

“But I just-“ Phil said but Dan interrupted.

“Please let me hold your hand,” Dan said.

“Bear…”

“Please Phil! It won’t hurt me I promise. And if I does, I don’t mind! Look you put your hand down, and I’ll put mine on top of it! You won’t be doing anything, I’ll just be touching your hand!”

“Okay, but if this hurt, you have to tell me, okay?” Phil sighed as he placed his hand on the bed, palm up. Dan wondered if he should feel nervous…for some reason he didn’t feel particularly worried about anything right now.  

The moment Dan placed his hand on Phil’s, he felt this surge of tingling energy between their hands. It seemed to spread through Dan’s entire body, making him feel so warm inside. He entwined his fingers with Phil’s, smiling as he did so, thinking about how amazing it felt to be holding his hand. His skin was so soft, and smooth and warm. It felt like…like that hand would keep him safe. He wished he could hold on tighter, but it already was hurting his wrist, so he loosened his grip, until his fingers were just resting in the gaps between Phil’s. That was better…that was perfect. Even though it was the loosest grip, he was holding Phil’s hand! He really liked Phil’s hand.

“I like your hand Phil,” Dan said. “It’s so soft, Phil, and feels so nice.”

“I like your hand too,” Phil giggled.

“Yay! Your laughing! See I told you holding hands would make it better!”

Phil laughed again. “Yes, I like, holding your hand.”

“Let’s never let go,” Dan said. This was the best feeling; the best sensation Dan had ever felt. He closed his eyes, so he could focus on enjoying the feeling of Phil’s hand in his….

 

When Dan woke up he was immediately aware of the fact that Phil’s fingers were still entwined with his. He smiled as he looked down at his hand on top of Phil’s. Dan looked over to Phil and he had his eyes closed, was he asleep? Dan didn’t want to wake him. He’d just been asleep and now he felt so much better. His head was less foggy, and his thoughts made more sense. Phil should sleep too, he kept crying, so he was probably quite tired.

He also didn’t feel in as much pain as earlier, he supposed that was the painkillers. But right now, his arms hurt a lot. He looked down at his arms and saw them covered in bruises, and scratches and gashes.  They looked red…like they could start bleeding at any moment. How had they all got there? He tried to remember… _the stairs..._ Oh no. There had been so many stairs, and they were all concrete…he remembered the awful slicing feeling on his skin. Had he bled much? Had he left blood all over the stairs? Dan shuddered then suddenly felt Phil’s hand move. He looked over and Phil was opening his eyes.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I woke you, didn’t I?” Dan said.

“Nah, I can’t sleep, I was just resting my eyes, how long have you been awake?” Phil asked yawning. He was so cute!

Dan felt an urge to hug him, but then realised…that was very impossible right now. It was like their hands were hugging…but he wanted all of them to be hugging! He wanted to hug Phil’s whole body.

“Hey,” Phil said softly. “Is there anything you need me to get? Or anything you want?”

“I want to hug you,” Dan said sadly, knowing that being stuck in this hospital bed, with all his painful limbs and body parts, meant they couldn’t possibly hug. “But I can’t.”

“I know,” Phil sighed.

“It’s not fair, you’re right there and I can’t even cuddle you,” Dan complained.

“One day,” Phil said sadly.

“I want it to be today.” Dan said. “I want to squish you and hold onto you forever, and never ever let go-“

“Hey!” Phil interrupted. “I have an idea, I just have to get something.”

Dan slowly let go of Phil’s hand. What was Phil getting? All Dan wanted was to hug Phil….

“Here!” Phil grinned, and Dan looked to see was holding a very familiar green object.

“Hey, it’s your pillow!” Dan said.

“Sure, is,” Phil laughed. “You realise, that’s like one of the first things you ever said to me.”

“Was it?” Dan asked. He thought he remembered their first skype call pretty well, but it was like his brain was having trouble accessing the memories right now.

“Yeah, those exact words,” Phil smiled. “I said I was glad to see you weren’t a murderer, and then you said maybe this was your plan, and I hid behind my pillow, and you said hey it’s your pillow,” Phil recalled with a fond smile.

“Oh yeah,” Dan giggled, now remembering showing Phil his Teddy Bear right after. “Then you started calling me Bear.”

“Yay! You do remember,” Phil grinned. “Well anyway, maybe I could put this on your lap or something, and then it can sort of feel like your hugging me?”

“Really?” Dan asked, looking down at the pillow in front of him. How many times had he seen that pillow in Phil’s videos? How many times had it been in in the background of their Skype calls?

“Wait, is it going to hurt if I place this in your lap?” Phil asked nervously.

Dan shook his head quickly. He really wanted to touch that pillow.

“Um, okay, but if it does, let me know,” Phil said, tentatively placing the pillow on his lap. Dan smiled, and with great effort slid his left hand on top of the pillow. He felt the soft fabric beneath his hand, and smiled thinking about how many times Phil’s head must have rested on this pillow.

“Thanks Phil,” Dan smiled, patting the soft fabric.

“I wish I could do more for you,” Phil said sadly.

“Hold my hand again,” Dan said, and Phil returned his hand to the position on the bed. “No on your pillow! I want to hold your hand on your pillow.” Dan insisted.

Phil laughed. Why was he laughing?

“What?” Dan asked.

“Nothing,” Phil smiled. “Here you go,” He placed his hand on the pillow.

“YAY!” Dan exclaimed, as he placed his fingers on top of Phil’s. 

“Your hand is just so nice, Phil,” Dan said happily, feeling his skin beneath his own. Phil laughed, although Dan wasn’t sure why, but he was glad to see him smiling again.

“I like your smile Phil,” Dan said.

“Thanks,” Phil laughed.

“And your eyes look so happy when you smile, and your cheeks too,” Dan said and Phil laughed again. “You have really nice cheekbones Phil.”

Phil laughed.

“Thanks Bear but-“

“And I really nice nose, and nice hair,” Dan continued and Phil kept laughing.

“What?” Dan asked. “Why do you keep laughing?”

“Nothing,” Phil said, tilting his head to the side, in the way Dan loved so much. 

“Ah!” Dan let out a squeal of delight.

“What?” Phil said, frantically looking around the room.

“You did the thing!” Dan giggled. “The head thing you always do! Do it again!”

“What head thing?” Phil laughed.

“Like where you tip your head to the side! It’s my favourite thing!” Dan said, excitedly, and Phil burst out laughing. He had a really nice laugh. It was so melodic…

“I really like your laugh Phil,” Dan said and Phil laughed again. But then Dan realised, why did Phil keep laughing?

“What is so funny?” Dan asked. Why did Phil keep laughing?

But Phil kept laughing.

“Tell me!” Dan insisted.

“You’re just very funny,” Phil laughed.

“Me?” Dan asked. “But I’m not making any jokes.” 

“Well, you’re making me laugh anyway,” Phil smiled.

“But what did I say?” Dan tried to figure out what had made Phil laugh so much.

“Well, Bear, I’m just, I’m not sure you would normally be saying all this, “ Phil giggled.

“All what?”

“You know, all the compliments and things,” Phil giggled.

“Why not?”

“Well, maybe in a few days you’ll be able to answer that yourself,” Phil laughed.

“Will I see what’s funny then too?” Dan asked.

“Er…I’m not sure you’ll find it the same kind of funny as I do,” Phil said.

“I don’t get it,” Dan sighed.

“Don’t worry, Bear,” Phil smiled. “I’m just glad your medications working.”

“Huh?” Dan said. What did medication have to do with this? “What medication?”

“Well, all the painkillers and stress relieving stuff that they’ve been giving you,” Phil said gently.

“But I didn’t take any tablets,’ Dan said.

“Yeah, but they give it to you in your drip,” Phil said.

“What?” What was Phil talking about?

“Remember, this thing attached to your hand,” Phil said, Dan looked down.

“Oh yeah! That thing!” Dan sighed, remembering the nurse coming and changing it over earlier. Why did he keep forgetting some things? He was still so confused? What was wrong with his head? Maybe it was just too sore to remember anything.  “I think my brain’s too sore to remember anything tonight.”

“Oh Bear,” Phil sighed, and Dan suddenly smiled, thinking that it sounded like something Phil would say during their Skype calls.  

“Oh Bear,” Dan copied, giggling. 

“Are you copying me?” Phil asked.

“You say it all the time so I wanted to say it,” Dan said.

“Do I really say it that often?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, you always say it when you feel sad for me. it always makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I like it a lot.” Dan admitted.

“Oh, that’s good,” Phil laughed. “Anything else you’d like to tell me you like?” Phil said.

“I like everything about you,” Dan said happily.

“Aww, I like everything about you too,” Phil said.

“Even all my bruises and scratches and random marks?” Dan said sadly looking down at his arms again.

“Oh,” Phil sighed, voice dropping. “Well, I’d prefer that…you know, you weren’t in pain.”

“Me too,” Dan said. “Why does everything hurt so much? What’s wrong with my brain?” 

Phil didn’t answer.

“Phil?” Dan asked, and when Phil looked back up there were tears on his face.

“Oh no!” Dan said. “Did I make you cry again?” 

Phil shook his head and quickly wiped his face. 

“Yeah I did, I’m sorry Phil,” Dan said. He wasn’t sure what he said, but now Phil was crying.

“No!” Phil said quickly. “Don’t apologise for anything!”

“But why are you crying?” Dan said…oh wait, Phil was crying earlier too…what had he said? “Oh, wait, hang on,” Dan said, trying to remember. “You were crying before…but why? I can’t remember…” 

“Bear, it’s okay, you don’t have to try to remember anything at the moment,” Phil said.

“Good!” Dan said happily. “I’m exhausted all this thinking and talking is so tiring.” Dan said, and Phil gave him a half smile.

“You can sleep at any time,” Phil said.

“But you’re here,” Dan said. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Phil said.

“Oh, that’s good, because I want to keep holding your hand, and talking to you and,” Dan felt his eyes closing…

 

Dan woke up confused again. Why was he in so much pain? He tried to open his eyes, but they didn’t seem to want to open.  _Think Dan._  He tried to think about where he was…he wasn’t at home. Oh right, he was at the hospital. But Why? Oh yeah…stairs. Too many stairs. Oh no, now he wished he hadn’t remembered. Everything was so painful…wait…but what was that? Something felt nice in his hand…oh yeah! It was Phil’s hand! He was holding Phil’s hand! How could he have forgotten?

“Do you think he’ll remember any of this?” A voice said…a nice voice.. that was Phil!

“I’m not sure, Phil,” said another voice…which voice…hmm, oh that was his Dad! He could listen to them talk and they wouldn’t even know!

 “They’re not sure how much he’ll remember of the um, you know,” his Dad sighed.  _You know?_  Dan didn’t know what his Dad meant.

“I almost hope he doesn’t remember,” Phil said. What shouldn’t he remember? “I mean, we still don’t know exactly how it happened…but...”

“Well, I’m finding out today. I’ll ask every kid at that bloody school until I know.”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“When he’s ready,” his Dad said. What were they telling him? Ready for what? Dan was confused. Why was everything so confusing?

“What if he asks again?”

“Just tell him something nice, and he’ll probably forget,” his Dad said.

“Uh ok, but what if he remembers? Is he going to freak out?”   
  
“Nah, that’s why he’s on so much anxiety reducing medication. If he remembers, he shouldn’t feel overwhelmed by it at least, for the moment,” his Dad sighed. What would he remember? The stairs? He already remembered the stairs. Was there more?

“Oh, well that explains why he’s so…uh,” Phil laughed.

“What?”

“Well, I don’t know, just saying stuff he’d normally wouldn’t say,” Phil laughed. What did Phil mean? He hadn’t said anything embarrassing, had he?

“Extra affectionate?” His Dad said. Extra affectionate? Sure he’d been telling Phil how much he liked him, but did he not normally do that?

“Er..yeah,” Phil laughed. Dan was confused again.

“Well, enjoy it.” 

“He’s going to be so embarrassed though!” Dan wasn’t sure why he’d be embarrassed.  

“Relax, the fact he was able to talk to you for as long as he did is incredible. The doctors thought it would be days before he could have an actual conversation,”

“But I was kind of worried…he seemed to find it really hard to remember some things, and he kept getting confused.”

“Doctors said that’s expected. It’s just the concussion, they’re treating it, don’t worry Phil. He’s going to be fine. His progress is better than expected already, so don’t stress.”

There was a silence.

“Hey, I know it’s absolutely awful to see him like this, but he’s just going to keep getting better, okay?” His Dad said.

“I know, the nurse told me not to worry so much like five times,” Phil sighed.

“Listen, I know you want to stay here, but you should really get some rest,”

“I don’t want him to wake and get confused though,”

“It’s okay, listen you rest, and I’ll be here if he wakes up to tell him you’re sleeping.”

Sleeping…why wasn’t Dan sleeping right now? He was so tired…

 

When Dan woke up he couldn’t feel Phil’s fingers anymore, and he began to worry all the memories of Phil by his hospital bed were a dream. But he could still feel a pillow beneath his hand. He opened his eyes and was relieved to see it was Phil’s pillow. He was really glad he hadn’t imagined the whole thing.

“Hey Dan,” his Dad whispered from the chair Phil had been sitting in. “Phil’s just having a bit of a rest.”

Dan looked to see Phil curled up in the armchair in the corner.

“Oh, that’s good, he seemed tired,” Dan said.  

“That’s a nice pillow you have,” his Dad smiled.

“It’s Phil’s!” Dan smiled. “Phil’s so great. He came all this way, can you believe it?”

“Well, he’s a pretty special guy,” His Dad said. His Dad was right, Phil was so pretty!

“He is pretty isn’t he? He’s even prettier in real life Dad,” Dan told him.

“Err, that’s great,” his Dad let out a small laugh.

“Have you seen his eyes?” Dan said.

“Um, yes, they’re very blue,” his Dad said smiling.

“No they’re not their like three different colours,” Dan said, looking over at Phil. “Look at him! He looks so cute sleeping!” Dan said and his Dad laughed. Why was everyone laughing?

“Oh great, now you’re laughing too,” Dan said. “Phil kept laughing at me. I don’t get it.” 

His Dad laughed but didn’t answer.

“Dad, how did Phil get here?” Dan asked suddenly.

“He caught a train,” his Dad said kindly.

“But how did he know?” Dan asked. “How did you know?”   
  
“It’s a long story Dan,” his Dad sighed. “Might be best we save it for another time.”

Dan didn’t have time to think about that, as suddenly his shoulder started throbbing again. He realised how sore his arms were, and his legs, and his chest hurt a lot too. Not to mention his brain felt all foggy again. 

“Dad, everything hurts,’ Dan said suddenly.

“I know, buddy,” his Dad sighed.

“Hey, I think we could get you some more pain relief, how does that sound?”

“Will it make everything hurt less?” Dan asked.

“Yes,” his Dad smiled, and pressed a button on the side of Dan’s bed.

“What’s that?” Dan asked.

“That calls the nurse,” his Dad said as a nurse walked in.

“Wow, that was quick,” Dan said.

“Good morning Daniel,” the nurse said. It was the same nurse as before, but why was she calling him Daniel? .

“No one really calls me Daniel,” Dan said.

“Oh, you just go Dan then?” the nurse asked.

“Yeah, or Bear, but only Phil really calls me that,” Dan said.

“Bear?” his Dad said in surprise.

“Wow, it’s weird to here you say it.”

“How does Phil know we used to call you that?” his Dad asked.

“Uh, well he showed me his pillow and then he said I had to show him something of mine so I showed him my bear, and then he said bear, and I thought he was talking to me but he wasn’t, and then he was like what, and I was like well my parents used to call me that, and then for some reason he wanted to call me Bear too so now he always calls me Bear,” Dan finished, and his Dad and the nurse were staring at him.

“What?” he asked. Why were they staring at him? Had he said something wrong?

“That’s very sweet,” The nurse said, continuing to check all the machines around Dan. “He seems a nice boy.”

“He is,” Dan smiled. “He’s the best boyfriend ever.”

Both his Dad and the nurse laughed. Why was everyone laughing? He wanted to know what was so funny.

“Yes, well, I’m glad he’s finally asleep, he was wide awake every time I came to check on you,” the nurse told him.

“Really, what did he say?” Dan asked.

“Well, he just kept making sure you were okay.”

“Oh, that’s nice of him. Do you think he’s okay?”

The nurse laughed,

“He’s okay,” she said.

“Are you sure? He kept crying and I didn’t know what to say, so I was holding his hand, so he’d feel better,”

The nurse looked at Dan with a strange expression which he couldn’t interpret. Why did she keep staring at him? Was it all his bruises or his scratches? Wait…were their marks on his face too?

“Don’t worry, he’s absolutely fine, Dan. Pretty lucky actually,” she said quickly. Lucky? What was she talking about? Phil was rather unlucky to be honest, he always ran into strange people all the time. 

“Now Dan, I’ll just have to talk to your Dad for a few minutes,” she said, and she and his Dad went into the corner and started whispering.

“Okay,” Dan said.

What were they talking about over there? Oh well, he’d prefer to look at Phil anyway. He looked over to Phil, who now had his eyes open and waved at Dan.

“Phil!” Dan smiled.

Phil put a finger over his mouth and gestured to his Dad and the nurse.

“Oh, we’ll just finish this outside,” Dan’s Dad said. “you guys talk.”

As they walked out, the nurse whispered something to Phil and Phil blushed. What had she said?

“What did she say?” Dan asked as Phil sat down beside Dan. 

“Er,” Phil laughed. “What did you say is more the question?”

“Huh?”

“She said hold onto that one,” Phil said.

“What one?”

“You,” Phil laughed.

“Oh yeah, hold my hand again!” Dan said excitedly.

“That’s not what she-“ Phil stopped. “Sure, Bear,” he laughed, as Dan put his hand on top of Phil’s again.

“Are you okay, Phil?” Dan asked.

“Me?” Phil laughed.

“Yeah, you kept like, being sad earlier.”

“Oh, Bear, I’m just fine. Just focus on yourself for now, okay?”

“But everything hurts and I can’t remember anything,” Dan sighed, and saw Phil’s face fall again.

“Oh!” Dan said, finally making the connection. “Oh, are you sad because I’m in hospital?”

“Yeah, it makes me sad to see you so hurt,” Phil said, trying to smile, but failing.

“Oh, your sad because I’m in pain…oh,” Dan said. Now he really wished he wasn’t in pain. “I’m really sorry Phil.”

“Bear!” Phil exclaimed. “Don’t apologise!”

“Sorry,” Dan said again and Phil laughed.

“Now listen, you have nothing to be sorry for, okay? None of this is your fault! Please don’t worry about me. I just love you so much, okay?

“Okay Phil, but I love you more,” Dan said.

“Well I love you most,” Phil said and Dan giggled. Dan’s Dad walked back into the room, and when Phil noticed him he blushed. Why was he blushing? Wait…why wasn’t Dan blushing? He always blushed when he was talking with Phil but…

“Hey boys,” Dan’s Dad said, interrupted Dan’s train of thought. “The nurse was so impressed with you Dan.”   
  
“Why?” Dan asked.   
  
“Well, we just didn’t expect you to be so bright or chatty,” he said. Dan couldn’t think of a response. Of course he was bright, Phil was here! “But the doctors just want to give you another CAT scan.”   
  
“Cats?” Dan asked and Phil laughed. What did cats have to do with anything?

“Just like a head scan, to check your concussion hasn’t worsened,” he sighed.

“Oh,” Dan sighed. “Can Phil come?”  
  
“Um, not to this one,” his Dad said.

“But I’ll be right here when you get back,” Phil said quickly. Dan still felt sad. He was finally with Phil, he didn’t want to be apart from him already.

“It will be quick, Dan, not as long as yesterday,” his Dad said, but Dan couldn’t keep his eyes of Phil.

“Okay,” Dan sighed, watching Phil scratch the back of his head. He looked so cute!

“I’m so proud of you Dan, you’re dealing with this so well,” his Dad said.

“With what?” Dan asked, eyes still on Phil, who’d now put his hand under his chin. 

“You know, hospital stuff,” his Dad said, and Dan suddenly remembered he was in the hospital. How did he keep forgetting? Phil was just so distracting.

“Well Phil’s here, so I don’t mind,” Dan said.

“Aww, Bear,” Phil said, as a doctor entered the room. Dan groaned.

“I’ll miss you,” Dan said to Phil.

“I’ll miss you too, but it will be quick,” Phil smiled.

“I love you Phil,” Dan said as he let go of Phil’s hand.

“I love you too,” he smiled.

It didn’t seem to take as long as the previous day, and the bright lights didn’t seem to hurt his eyes as much. It was easier to answer their questions today, nothing seemed as intense as it did yesterday. Everything still hurt, a lot, but it was better. It wasn’t long until they returned to the room where Phil was waiting.

“Phil! You’re still here!” Dan said, still surprised he was here.

“Course I am,” Phil laughed. “How’d you go?”

“I don’t know there were more machines and more doctors and more questions,” Dan sighed. “I’m so tired,” he closed his eyes.

“He did well, they said he’s looking good,” his Dad beamed.

“Oh, that’s so great!” Phil beamed.

Dan was pleased to see everyone seemed so happy, however he himself felt really tired. Answering so many questions had really tired him out. He began closing his eyes.

“I just need to talk to you for a minute,” his Dad said.

“Okay,” Dan sighed, struggling to keep awake.

“Now, your concussion is, well it’s manageable. But, the doctors suggested it might be helpful to stay one more night here. That way you can have all the medication you need,”

“Right,” Dan sighed, he hadn’t even thought about when they would be going home. “Will Phil still be here?”  

“Of course I will be,” Phil said gently.

“Oh that’s fine then, as long as Phil’s with me, I don’t mind where I am,” Dan said closing his eyes and falling back off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for reading!! :D
> 
> For anyone wondering why Dan's Mum wasn't around...well, you'll see in the next chapter :(


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Dan spent the rest of the day slipping in and out of sleep. He'd wake to a painful throbbing in his head or aches throughout his entire body, feeling confused and disorientated. But then he’d feel a warm hand beneath his or open his eyes to see Phil’s smile, and that was enough to distract Dan from focusing on his pain, or wondering what had happened to make him fall down the stairs. Of course, he was still in incredible pain, but Phil’s distractions made it bearable enough to get through the time until his next painkillers, or until his mind would let him fall asleep again.

As soon as Phil noticed Dan was awake, he would begin telling him stories or recounting fond memories from their skype calls. Every time Dan complained about how painful everything was he’d call for a nurse and talk to him so he wouldn’t have to focus on it as much. If Phil wasn’t there, Dan was pretty sure he would have been crying the entire time. He still cried a lot, every time it got so painful he felt like he couldn’t breathe, which only made it worse, as crying hard made everything hurt as well. He still shed tears though, when his head felt so muddled, and overwhelmed by trying to remember what happened to him. But Phil was there to with his soothing voice, talking to him until things didn’t seem quite as daunting. Dan knew there was no way he could have coped through his time in the hospital without Phil.

The whole time Dan still found it hard to believe that Phil was really sitting beside him. Sometimes it seems so surreal that Dan had to grasp Phil’s hand a little tighter, just to remind himself that he really was there.

“Phil?” Dan asked.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know, I just wanted to say your name,” Dan admitted.

“Aww,” Phil laughed. “Say it as much as you like.”

“Phil, Phil, Phil,” Dan smiled and Phil laughed, which made Dan smile more. He was glad at least, it didn’t hurt to smile. Everything else hurt though, and thinking about how much everything hurt seemed to make it hurt more. Plus, it made his head start pounding, caught up in confused thoughts. Nothing made sense. Dan felt like all sense of time had disappeared. It felt like he’d been in the hospital for a while.

“Phil, What day is it? I feel like I’ve been here for a week,” Dan said.

“Well, it’s Friday afternoon and you’ve been here about 24 hours,” Phil said gently. 24 hours? Had Phil really been just sitting there that whole time?

“What have you been doing the whole time?” Dan asked. 

“Oh,” Phil blushed.

“Have you been watching me sleep?” Dan asked smiling.

“At times,” Phil gave a small smile. “And you know talking to your Dad a bit.”

“But you’ve just been sitting there, don’t you get bored?”

“That’s okay, I’m glad I can just sit here for you,” he smiled.

“Phil?” Dan said.

“Yeah?” Phil smiled.

“Thank you for coming,” Dan said, “It would have been so much harder, well impossible, without you here.”

“Oh, Bear, of course, I couldn’t not come,” Phil said.

“Course you could have not come, Mum hasn’t even shown up,” Dan said.

“Oh well, let’s not think about her,” Phil sighed. “But I haven’t had a chance to say, your Dad just had to duck out for a bit, but he’ll be back really soon.”

“Okay,” Dan said.  

Dan’s Dad was constantly entering and leaving the room. If he wasn’t there when Dan woke, Phil would tell him when he’d be back, and the couple times they needed him to talk to a nurse he was back within seconds.

Dan wasn’t sure where his mother was. He expected she was probably at work, and didn’t see the need to come and visit Dan in hospital. Dan tried not to think about it too much. It wasn’t like there was anything he could do about it, but at the same time he couldn’t help but dwell on her absence. Did she really not care about him? Was she not worried about how he was?

“Dan, you okay there?” Phil asked, seeing Dan lost in thoughts. Dan looked over to Phil and caught sight of his eyes.

“Phil, I know I told you this, but I really like your eyes,” Dan said.

“Thanks,” Phil laughed.

“You’re still laughing at me,” Dan said, although he didn’t really mind. He still didn’t understand why Phil was laughing, but he loved his laugh.

“I’m not laughing at you.”

“Yeah you are, this has been happening all day! I tell you I like your eyes or your hair or something and then you laugh!”

“Because these things you say, that you know, you don’t normally, say,” Phil sighed. “You’re just very cute Bear.”

“You think I’m cute?” Dan asked.

“The cutest.”

“I like that you think I’m cute,” Dan said and Phil laughed. Dan could feel his eyelids beginning to droop.

“What about me, am I cute?” Phil asked, as Dan closed his eyes.

“Yeah, you’re really…”

 

When Dan next woke confusion was flooding his brain again. It was like every time he woke up he had to run through a mental checklist. He was Dan. He was at the hospital. Everything hurt because had fallen down some stairs. Why had he fallen though? Was he just clumsy? He felt like there was something more to it, but his brain just hurt trying to remember. Dan could feel Phil’s soft pillow beneath his hand…but not Phil’s hand. Was Phil still here? Oh no, had he just dreamt Phil?

He opened his eyes and saw his Dad sitting beside his bed.

“Where’s Phil?” Dan asked.

“Sorry, Dan, he’s actually having a bit of a rest himself,” his Dad said, pointing to a sleeping Phil on the chair in the corner.

“Oh, that’s good,” Dan sighed. He felt bad for Phil, he’d been awake a lot, and although Dan’s perception of time was rather warped, he still thought Phil should have slept more.  

“How are you feeling?” His Dad asked gently, distracting him from his thoughts from Phil.

“Everything hurts, and my head still doesn’t make sense, and I can’t remember what happened,’

“It’s okay, don’t try to think too much now,” his Dad smiled.

“But what happened Dad? I can only remember stairs, why did I fall?” Dan asked.

“Um, don’t worry about that now, Dan,” his Dad sighed.

“But why can’t I remember?” Dan asked, feeling a bit frustrated.

“Well, it’s probably a combination of things, but we can talk about it another time,” His Dad said.

“You kept leaving, where’d you go?” Dan asked.

“Well, we had to check in with your school,” his Dad said slowly.

“We?” Dan asked. “As in Mum?”

“Yeah,” his Dad sighed.

“Why hasn’t she come?” Dan asked.

Dan’s Dad didn’t answer, looking down at his hands.

“Dad!”

“Well, your Mum’s had a busy few days at work,” his Dad sighed.

“Oh,” Dan said. Of course. She was too busy working to even visit him in hospital. Dan had known that would be the answer…but somehow it still hit Dan hard that she was just working. “She really doesn’t care.”

“She does care. I know she’s not here. She’s not good on the feeling stuff, doesn’t think it’s necessary for her to be here since she can’t do anything.”

“She could come say she’s glad I’m okay,” Dan said bitterly.

“I know,” his Dad said shakily…wait, was his Dad crying? “I said she should come. She said she might drop in tonight…but don’t, she might not…”

“Oh, Dad, it’s okay if she doesn’t, I mean, as long as you and Phil are here. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to come,” Dan said, feeling terribly confused. He didn’t understand his mother. First of all, she didn’t care enough to hear about how Dan was bullied, then she emailed the school and now she’ll visit the school but not visit him in hospital.

“Wait!” Dan said aloud, feeling like he’d just remembered something important. “Wait…” The bullying…Ryan…how had he just completely forgotten about Ryan? It was all flooding back to him now! The stairs, he’d fallen because of Ryan. Why hadn’t he remembered before?

“Dad it was Ryan!” Dan said suddenly, the memory flashing back stronger. He remembered the feeling of terror as he tried to flee from Ryan, but was stuck inside a large crowd. He remembering Ryan’s fist coming towards his shoulder. He remembered how furious Ryan been. He still couldn’t remember exactly why he’d been so furious though, but he had to tell his Dad. “He was so angry! I don’t remember why he was so angry, but he punched my shoulder and then I fell backwards down the stairs! I was so scared Dad, he was just so angry! I don’t remember why; did I say something?”

“Dan! It doesn’t matter why he was angry that’s no excuse, there’s no excuse for punching someone down the stairs,”

“But he didn’t push me, I fell,” Dan said. He could clearly remember the punch, then there was a moment he was scared he would punch again, and then he began falling,”  

“Dan, we’ve been at the school for hours today…. I’ve talked to so many of the boys, and it’s clear that he practically pushed you down the stairs. Sure, he punched you, but to the same affect…”

“Wait, so you already knew what happened?” Dan asked, head throbbing with confusion again.

“Yes,” his Dad nodded.

“Did Phil know too?” Dan asked.

“Yes, I let him know once I did.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me then?” Dan asked.

“Well, we didn’t want to tell you before you were ready. You know, shock you into remembering before your mind wanted to.”

“Oh, thanks, I guess,” Dan sighed, terribly confused about the whole ordeal. It was like his brain couldn’t process any of the new information properly. He couldn’t keep track of all the things his Dad was saying. “But wait, so what’s going to happen to Ryan?”

“Well, he’s already been suspended, and we’re trying to get him expelled.”

“Wait, so Mum knows about everything?

“Well, yes, she knows a lot. She sort of knows there is a person called Phil. Don’t worry she doesn’t know about you liking Phil or anything.”

“Oh, okay,” Dan said, although that thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. There were already way too many thoughts clouding his head. “Wait so, Ryan’s in trouble?”

“Things are looking pretty bad for him.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s complicated,” His Dad sighed. “You seem really tired, Dan, maybe we should finish talking about this another time. He’s not getting away with this though” his Dad said, “It’s, this is pretty serious.”

His Dad was right…somehow Dan hadn’t realised how bad everything was. His mind pulled up the memory again, of Ryan’s punch and just how far he must have fallen, hurting himself as he fell, and with each step he hit along the way. For the first time Dan realised; he was lucky to even be in this hospital bed right now.  

“There were so many stairs, Dad, I could have-“

“But the thing to remember is, that you are okay. It was awful, but you’re going to be just fine.” His Dad said the words as if he’d said them a thousand times. He probably had, Dan realised, he’d probably been telling himself and Phil that since it happened.

“You’ve done so well, I’m so proud of you,” his Dad said.

“Proud? For being in hospital?” Dan asked. He couldn’t exactly see what there was to be proud of. His mind had lost track of their conversation again, what were they even talking about? Dan felt a wave of exhaustion hit, and closed his eyes again.

“Proud for getting through all this,” his Dad said and Dan fell asleep.  

 

When Dan woke it took him a few minutes to re-remember where he was, and that he now knew what happened. Although, he couldn’t remember much before the punch....Dan opened his eyes to see Phil was beside him again, and his Dad was sitting on the chair in the corner.

“Bear!” Phil smiled, seeing Dan open his eyes. “Your Dad told me you remembering, and I’ve just been wanting to tell you that I think you’re so brave!”

“Oh, thanks,” Dan said, not sure that he had been brave at all.

“It must have been so- well let’s not relive it. I just think you’re so brave!”

“Not really,” Dan said.

“Course you are! I can’t imagine….I mean, well, it’s in the past. But as well as that, you’ve been so brave this whole time! With all your injuries, you’ve been smiling and talking to me.”

“How could I not smile with you here?” Dan smiled.

“Well, I wasn’t sure you’d even talk to me, I didn’t really know what to expect with you know, how you were feeling and stuff,” Phil smiled.

“You thought I wouldn’t talk to you?” Dan said. “Nothing was going to stop me talking to you the first time-“ Dan stopped talking.  _The first time._

This wasn’t how they were meant to meet! They’d been planning to meet in Manchester….when though? Dan knew it had only been a few weeks away, but the time in hospital had really messed with his sense of place in time. What did that mean? Dan’s head grew cloudy as he realised, there was no way he could get to Manchester anytime soon. 

“Oh no,” Dan whispered, feeling sadness creep in on him all of a sudden.

“What?” Phil asked.

“I was meant to come to Manchester,” Dan said sadly. “It wasn’t far away…and now I can’t.”

“Yeah you can,” Phil said, looking sad now too. “It might not be as soon as we thought, but once you’re all healed, then we’ll have the best time, I promise.”

“But it won’t be the same,” Dan said.

“Course it will be, we can still do all the lovely things we planned.”

“But we were meant to meet at the train station and hug and never let go,” Dan said, trying not to cry.

“We could still do that,” Phil smiled.

“But it won’t be the first time I see you,” Dan said.

“That’s okay, we could have another first, like the first time we hug, since well, I don’t think we’ll be able to until your shoulders healed.”

“I want to hug you now,” Dan complained.

“Well, you can look forward to it at the train station then. See, just like we planned,” Phil smiled.

“Okay,” Dan smiled, then realised something else. “But I was meant to look nice the first time you saw me.”

“Oh Bear,” Phil smiled. “You always look nice.”

“Not in a hospital bed,” Dan said sadly, looking at the hospital gown he was wearing all the machines attached to him. 

“Even in a hospital bed,” Phil smiled.

“But I was meant to look really nice,” Dan insisted. “I just wanted you to think I was beautiful when you first saw me.”

“I did,” Phil smiled.

“It’s not the same,” Dan said.

“Okay, Bear,” Phil said seriously. “You know every time we ever skyped?”

“There were a lot of those times,” Dan responded.

“Exactly. At the start of every call, every single time, seeing your face,” Phil smiled. “It’s like every time I see you, you get more beautiful.”

“Really?” Dan asked.

“So when we meet in Manchester, it will be the same, okay? You’ll look more beautiful than I could ever imagine,” Phil said.

“Okay,” Dan smiled.

 

Dan hadn’t even realised he’d been asleep, but when he opened his eyes the lighting in the room had changed. The lamp was on in the corner and the curtains were closed. It must be night time. 

“The nurses just gave you some more pain relief and stuff,” Phil smiled, seeing Dan open his eyes. Right, Phil was here. He needed pain relief because Ryan had punched him and he’d fallen down the stairs. He was in hospital for how long? He couldn’t remember, but the sight of Phil’s smile made him forget what he’d even been thinking about. Wow, it was so amazing Phil was here...

“Wait Phil…I just realised, you still haven’t told me how you knew to come here,” Dan asked.

“Oh, well, that’s sort of um, a stressful story,” Phil sighed.

“You can tell me,” Dan said. What had happened after he’d fallen down the stairs? There was an ambulance...and his Dad. Dan felt so confused again? When would everything make sense?

“Well, it’s sort of confusing, and I know you’re already confused, so how about I just tell you part of the story,” Phil said, placing his hand on the pillow for Dan to hold.

“Okay,” Dan said, placing his hand on Phil’s again.

“So, when I was on the train coming here,” Phil said, and started telling Dan how he said in the wrong seat four separate times on his journey over. Phil telling Dan these stories was almost as good as medicine, he forgot all his confused thoughts and became lost in Phil’s descriptions of all the different people he’d frustrated on the train. 

“Phil!” Dan laughed.

“It was so bad!” Phil laughed. 

“Are you making this up just to make me smile?” Dan asked when Phil finished telling the story. 

“No, I swear I’m not!” Phil laughed, but his laugh was cut off by the sight of a figure appearing in the doorway.

It was Dan’s Mum. Why was she here? Dan couldn’t believe it. She hadn’t seen the need to visit before, and then decided to show up with no notice? How did she even know which room to go to? 

Dan let go of Phil’s hand immediately but it was too late; he knew she had already seen. Oh no, what was she going to think? Dan hadn’t even contemplated what would happen if she found out he had a boyfriend. Maybe they could get away with this, surely it wasn’t that strange for friends to hold hands? 

“Who are you?” she said, addressing Phil.

“Um, I’m Phil,” Phil said, putting on a smile Dan knew wasn’t genuine.

“Ah,” his Mum said softly. Ah? What did that mean? Dan felt a sudden feeling of dread, which he hadn’t felt the entire time he’d been in the hospital. Dan didn’t like the way she was looking at Phil. Was she about to get angry? Was she going to disown Dan for having a boyfriend?

“So,” she said with a vapid glare at Phil. “You’re the reason he keeps getting bullied.”

Dan couldn’t speak, it was like his ears and mouth and brain were all broken. His mind was back to it’s incredibly confused state, and he was having trouble taking everything in. Did she really just say that? Did he hear her correctly?

“KAREN!” His Dad yelled out in shock, and Dan realised, that he had in fact, heard her correctly. Dan looked to Phil. His eyes were cast downwards and his hands were shaking. He was biting his lip the way he always did when he was about to cry. Dan went to speak, but his mother began speaking again before he got the chance.

“Well, the bullying is all over someone called Phil, and apparently this is Phil,” she said as if Phil wasn’t sitting right there. At her words Phil’s entire body seemed to be taken over by sadness, every limb losing its energy and falling into a slump, his head falling to his chest so Dan could no longer see his facial expression. Dan didn’t even have a chance to process what she’d said before his Dad started yelling.

“GET OUT!” His Dad yelled and his mother looked shocked. “OUT!” he said again, and his mother, somewhat reluctantly turned and left, with his father following, looking angrier than Dan had ever seen him.

Silence now filled the room leaving Dan to wonder what had just happened. Had his mother really just blamed  _Phil_ for Dan being bullied? How could she say that?  And with Phil sitting right there, listening to every word.

“Phil?” Dan said tentatively, and Phil didn’t respond. “Phil I’m so sorry, I can’t believe she just-“ Dan couldn’t finish his sentence, overtaken by his own sadness and confusion. What was wrong with his mother? Why would she say that? He looked back at Phil. He still hadn’t spoken or moved since his mother had said those awful words. Surely…Phil couldn’t think they were true?

“Phil, you know, what she said, you know that’s rubbish right?” Dan said.

“No, she’s right, it’s true,” Phil said quietly, and Dan felt like his heart was being ripped out. How could Phil think that! How could Phil blame himself?

“No Phil! No don’t say that!” Dan said desperately, unable to think of the right words to tell him it wasn’t his fault. His brain was still foggy, and he suddenly realised how much everything hurt. He needed to make sure Phil knew it wasn’t true, but he couldn’t get it out.

“Bear, I’m so sorry,” Phil’s voice was shaky from tears but he wouldn’t look up. “You’d be better off if you’d never-“ Phil couldn’t keep talking from crying.

“Phil no!” Dan said, crying hard now too. Why was Phil apologising? He didn’t understand what was happening. He’d be better off if what? If they’d never met? If Dan had never watched his videos? Phil couldn’t possibly believe that, could he?

“Can I, can I just have a moment? I’m, I’ll be right back, I promise, I just need a minute,” Phil sobbed, standing up. He walked out of the room slowly, shaking the whole way, as if each step was an enormous effort. Dan didn’t know what to say.

“Phil it’s not your fault,” Dan sobbed as he reached the door. Phil stopped.

“I love you,” he said, but kept walking out. 

Dan wanted to follow him. He wanted so badly to get out of the hospital bed and hug him, and make sure he knew it wasn’t his fault. But Dan was stuck, chained down by his injuries, and Phil was now impossible to reach.

Dan couldn’t stop crying. How had they gone from laughing to this in mere minutes? Dan could understand Phil being upset over his mother’s words, but why was he apologising? How could he believe that any of this was his fault?  

He wanted to call out, but he didn’t want to risk catching the attention of the nurses, and have them see him as the crying mess he now was. Maybe he’d be back in a minute, and the shock of what his mother said would have passed, and he would have realised that nothing was his fault.

But minutes passed and Phil didn’t return. How could his Mum have done this? Dan wondered if his mother was angry at Phil because she’d seen them holding hands. Maybe it was her way of saying she wasn’t okay with Dan having a boyfriend.  Dan kept crying. Crying was bad enough normally, but now with all the shaking he was doing, now every time he sobbed he felt his body hurt along with it. His brain felt overcrowded and was throbbing now too. 

A figure appeared at the door and Dan felt his heart leap, but was disappointed to realise it was only his Dad. His Dad looked from Dan’s crying face to the empty chair beside him.

“Where’s Phil?” he said quickly.

“I don’t know!” Dan cried. “He, he got all upset and then he said he needed a minute, but it’s been ages and he hasn’t come back!”

“Oh,” his Dad placed a hand on his head. “Oh shit.”

“He thinks it’s his fault!” Dan cried.

“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry Dan. You know I don’t think that right? I’m so sorry about your mother. I don’t, I can’t explain I have no idea why should would think it, or say it to Phil!”

“Phil was so upset, and I didn’t know what to say,” Dan sobbed.

“Dan, I know you’re sad, but don’t hurt yourself crying, okay? Phil’s going to be okay.”

“Can you get him for me Dad?” Dan begged.

“I will, I just need to make sure you are okay first,” his Dad said.

“I just need Phil to be okay,” Dan said desperately.

“Okay…well I’ll go get him,” his Dad nodded and left the room.   
  
So long seemed to pass with Dan alone in his hospital room. He was too exhausted to cry anymore, and his whole body ached. His mind became stuck on how upset Phil had been, and his heart filled with more sadness every time he remembered Phil saying his mother’s words were true. He just wanted him to come back. Where was he?

Suddenly Dan heard familiar voices from the corridor.

“Phil, please come on, go back to Dan,” his Dad said, and Dan could hear Phil say something but he was sobbing so much Dan couldn’t make out his words.

“You haven’t ruined his life, you’ve saved it. Now go back in there and let him tell you that too,” his Dad said. Ruined his life? How could Phil think he’d ruined Dan’s life?

Phil sobbed something else Dan couldn’t make out.

“It’s not your fault, I know you love Dan, so please go, he needs you, and I think you need him right now too.”

A minute of silence followed and then a figure appeared at the door.

“Phil,” Dan said.

“I’m so sorry for leaving,” Phil sobbed as he came and sat back down on the chair besides Dan’s hospital bed. “I shouldn’t have left you, I just got so upset, I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

“Phil, it’s okay to cry,” Dan said. “That’s what you always tell me.”

“I know Bear, but you’re in hospital, and I don’t want to cause you any stress or sadness,” Phil sobbed. “But I just made it so much worse. I’m so sorry, I thought I could just take a minute to compose myself, but I just kept getting more upset.”

“Can I ask why you were so upset?” Dan asked. He basically already knew…but maybe it would be better if he didn’t know what Dan had overheard.

“I don’t want to say anything else to upset you, I’ve already been an idiot leaving, and you’re in hospital, and I just want to make things as easy as possible.”

“Then tell me,” Dan said. “Tell me, I want to know.”

Phil hesitated the started speaking, head in his hands not able to look at Dan.

“I was scared I’d ruined your life,” he sobbed. “Ryan bullied you because of me, so if I wasn’t in your life or you’d never found my videos, you wouldn’t be bullied, you wouldn’t be in hospital right now.”

“Phil, that’s not true!”

“But what if it is?” Phil sobbed. “I’m scared that you’d be better off if you didn’t know I exist.”

“Phil!” Dan said, crying again now. How could Phil believe that? “Don’t say that! Phil, you haven’t ruined my life! Do you know how bad I was before I found your videos? How much I hated myself before we started talking? You’ve been the only good thing in my life for years! Phil, you fucking saved my life not ruined it!’

“But they bully you because of me,” Phil sobbed.

“Ryan bullied me before he knew about you, and he would have found something else to say.  You’re always the one telling me it’s not my fault, it’s Ryan’s, so you should believe that too.”

“But it got so much worse once they found out-“ Phil began.

“Phil you’re being ridiculous!” Dan interrupted. “If they hadn’t found out about you, we wouldn’t have messaged on twitter, or started skyping, or become boyfriends and all of that’s been the best thing in the world.”

“But was it worth it?” Phil sobbed.

“PHIL! Yes you’re worth it!” Dan exclaimed. His thoughts were all over the place, but Dan kept speaking, hoping something he said would get through to Phil, ”Because Phil, you’re the one who always reminds me that school isn’t forever. And if I didn’t have you, once I got out of school I would have nothing. You might think I would have my Dad, but I never would have started talking to him without you! I would be all alone and sad and hating myself. But I have you, and now I have hope that when I get out of school I’ll apply to a uni near you so we can have real dates-“

“You’ll really still want to be with me that long?”

“Phil I want to be with you forever!” Dan cried, hysterical now. Why couldn’t Phil see how much needed him? How much he wanted to be with him?  Dan’s mind was foggy, his head was throbbing, along with most of the parts of his body. He couldn’t think about what to say, so he just let all the things he’d thought about the future tumble out.  “I want to see you every day, I want to spend every moment with you. I want to talk holding hands, and watch our favourite tv shows together and go on actual dates I want a future with you Phil! One day I want to move in with you, and sleep next to you and if we were ever allowed by the fucking law, I would marry you Phil!”

“Oh…oh Dan,” Phil sobbed, and maybe Phil said some more things, but Dan was so tired. He was so tired he couldn’t hear Phil anymore. He was in so much pain he couldn’t feel anything anymore. He felt his eyelids closed, and while Phil was still speaking words Dan didn’t hear, he fell off to sleep again.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

_Ryan’s angry face glared at him, angrier than Dan had ever seen. He could feel his heart pounding, adrenaline running through his body as he tried to figure out a way to escape. But he couldn’t escape and he was scared. He was terrified, what was Ryan going to do? He looked so angry, was he going to hurt Dan? He was, Dan could tell, he was going to hurt him. He was so scared…_

 “It’s okay Bear, you don’t need to be scared. There’s nothing to be scared of,” a gentle voice came from somewhere, where was it from?

_Ryan looking at him. God, Dan was scared..._

“You’re okay, you’re completely safe, you don’t have to be scared,” the gentle voice continued talking. Who did that voice belong to? Where was it coming from?

_Ryan’s fist was coming towards him, and fear ran through his body..._

Dan woke up with a gasp, heart racing, breathing fast. Where was he? What had just happened? He was breathing so quickly his ribs were hurting…and everything else hurt too. Especially his head…why did his head feel so sore?

Dan recognized the familiar hospital room around him. What had happened to Ryan? Had that punch happened? His head was pounding, unable to keep track of his thoughts, unable to differentiate what was real from what wasn’t.

“What’s happening?” Dan asked, addressing no one. 

“I think you’ve just been having a bad dream,” a soft voice said and Dan turned to see Phil sitting in a chair next to his hospital bed.

“Phil,” Dan smiled. How could he have forgotten Phil was here?

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, concern etched through his face.

“Um,” Dan sighed, trying to slow his heart rate. “Yeah, just confused.”

“About anything in particular?” Phil asked.

“Just, was I really dreaming?” Dan asked, unable to comprehend how it had been a dream, it had seemed so vivid and real.

“Well, you haven’t left your hospital bed,” Phil said.

“Oh…oh okay,” Dan sighed. If that punch didn’t happen… “Wait, but…wait, did Ryan punch me?”

“Well, a few days ago,” Phil said sadly. “Is that what you dreaming about?”

“Um…I guess I must have been,” Dan sighed. “Wait, but if it was a dream…your voice…”

Dan was confused…that gentle voice in the dream had been Phil’s…what was going on?

“Oh, well you were sort of, I mean I think you were sleep talking. At first, I thought you were awake, but then I realised you were dreaming,” Phil said.

“Oh…oh,” Dan sighed. He was still confused how Phil's real voice had made it into his dream. 

“Would you like to hold my hand?” Phil suggested, placing his hand on the pillow next to Dan’s.

Dan looked at Phil’s hand. It looked so soft and delicate…he suddenly felt his heart begin to race again at the thought of touching it. But, he’d been holding Phil’s hand for days, why did he feel so nervous now?

“You don’t have to, I just thought it might help,” Phil said with a small smile, and Dan felt his heart flutter. Phil just looked so adorable when he smiled. Dan felt himself blushing just thinking about it.

“Hey, your blush is back!” Phil said.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked. His blush was back…had he not blushed for a while?

“Never mind,” Phil said quickly. “You’re still welcome to hold my hand if you’d like, but you don’t have to.”

Dan looked back down at Phil’s hand. He had such lovely fingers, and his skin looked so soft. He looked to his own hand, and wondered why it was suddenly so hard to do what he’d been doing for days. That’s when he noticed they’d taken his drip out.

“Wait, Phil, when did they take my drip out?” he asked, wondering when they’d taken out the weird plastic thing. No wonder his head hurt so much…they’d been giving him all his medication through it, and now it was gone.

“Oh, that makes sense” Phil mumbled. “Um, they took it out a few hours ago, while you were asleep.”

“What makes sense though?” Dan asked, wondering what Phil’s first statement had been about.

“Don’t worry,” Phil said quickly.

“I am worried!” Dan said, what was Phil talking about?

“Oh, it’s just they were giving you a lot of anxiety reducing medication,” Phil said slowly. “So, um since they’ve taken it out, it’s probably starting to leave you system and stuff.”

“Oh…right,” Dan sighed. He did feel a lot more stressed all of a sudden, that would explain the bad dream….that’s probably all Phil meant.

“But my head hurts so much now,’ Dan complained. “Why did they take it out?”

“Well, I think they’re checking that you’ll be able to manage without it, since you know, you’re going home today.”

“Home?” Dan asked. It seemed like forever since he’d been home, he could barely even remember what was happening before his time in the hospital.

“Yeah, you get to go home! Isn’t that exciting!” Phil smiled.

“Oh,” Dan sighed. If he was going home then…where was Phil going? He didn’t want to have to say goodbye to Phil. Even though the hospital wasn’t the best place to be, he’d rather be in hospital with Phil by his side than at home without him.

 “Can’t we just stay here?” Dan asked, not wanting his time with Phil to end.

“Oh, you don’t want to go home?” Phil asked, looking confused.

“I just want to stay wherever you are,” Dan said, feeling sad.

“Oh Bear,” Phil laughed. “I’m coming too!”

“You’re coming?” Dan smiled. They wouldn’t have to say goodbye!

“If you want me too,” Phil said.  

“Of course, I want you to!” Dan laughed.

“Well, I should tell you though,” Phil sighed. “As much as I’d love to just stay with you forever, I will have to head back to Uni for my exams in about a week.”

“Exams!” Dan exclaimed, suddenly remembering Phil had a university course to complete. “Phil, what are doing here? Shouldn’t you be studying? You don’t have to stay! You can’t fail your exams.”

“Don’t worry! I’ve got it under control,” Phil laughed. “They start next Monday, and I can study at your house. I mean, not while you’re awake, but I expect you’ll be sleeping a lot.”

“Oh yeah, well you can study while I’m awake too. Phil these are your final exams, you…I don’t want to ruin them for you,” Dan said.

“Oh Bear, the last thing you need to worry about is my exams, okay?” Phil said gently. “Most of my work was assignments during the semester, I’ve already passed all my classes, these are just a small part.”

“Oh,’ Dan said, feeling relieved. “That’s good. Well…thanks again for coming. For some reason it hadn’t occurred to me…I’d sort of forgotten about your uni work and stuff. It was really good of you to come…and like, I couldn’t have done this without you,”

“Oh Bear,” Phil smiled. “If I had to fail my uni exams to be here, I would have done so happily. You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”

Dan felt himself blushing deeply, as Phil continued.  “I wish I could stay longer, I mean your Dad said I could, so I was thinking once I’ve finished my exams I’ll probably come back,” Phil began to say but Dan had just realised. What about his Mum?

“What about my Mum, what will she think of you saying?” Dan asked, but before Phil could answer he remembered what had happened before he went to sleep.

“OH NO!” Dan’s heart started racing. How could he have just forgotten everything that happened before he went to sleep? His Mum…she’d been so awful! Why had she said those things to Phil! Phil had been so upset!

“Phil, are you okay?” Dan said frantically. “You know it’s not your fault, right? I can’t believe she said that, oh my God Phil, that was so awful of her! You know I don’t think, that right?”

“Bear,” Phil said gently. “I’m absolutely fine, you gave me all the reassurance I needed last night.”

“Oh,” Dan sighed, wondering what he’d said to Phil. All he could remember was how upset Phil had been, he couldn’t even remember what he’d been thinking.

“What did I say? I can’t remember…” Dan said, feeling frustrated by his brains apparent problem with remembering things.

“You said lots of nice things,” Phil smiled “but, more importantly, are you okay?”

“Only if you’re okay,” Dan said.

“I’m great,” Phil assured him.

“Well, I’m great too then,” Dan said, then felt a painful throb in his head. “Well not great, how do I get more painkillers if they took the drip out?”

“They’re going to start giving you tablets, which is what you’ll be taking when we go back to your house too,” Phil said.

“I hate tablets,” Dan groaned.

“Well, they’ll help with the pain,” Phil sighed. “Should I call a nurse?”

“I guess,” Dan sighed, not looking forward to having to swallow tablets.

When the nurse arrived, she came with a plate of toast for Dan to eat. He didn’t feel particularly hungry, but she insisted he had to eat before taking his tablets. Eating was a great struggle. Although he could hold things with his left hand, his elbow and shoulder ached as he tried to lift food to his mouth, so the nurse literally had to feed him, which was rather embarrassing. Chewing was also more difficult than normal, not the actual chewing action, just that it made his head hurt more. Swallowing the tablets was an absolute nightmare, by the time Dan had finished the whole ordeal he felt so exhausted he fell straight back to sleep.

_Stairs. There were so many stairs. Everything hurt. Everything hurt so much. What was happening to him? Was he going to die?_

“Dan, you’re okay, I promise,’ Phil said and at the sound of Phil’s voice Dan opened his eyes.

“What?” Dan said frantically. “What’s happening? Where am I ….oh hospital right…” Dan sighed, trying to slow his racing heart. Why had this happened again? Was he going to keep dreaming of this every time he fell asleep?  

“Another bad dream?” Phil asked sadly.

“Yeah,” Dan sighed. “Sorry for…whatever I said.”

“You sounded sort of scared, you okay?” Phil asked.

“I guess,’ Dan sighed.

“How’s your head?” Phil asked. “Did the painkillers help?”

“Oh…yeah, yeah I guess, I guess they did,” Dan said slowly, his heart starting to settle.

“Hey Dan,” his Dad said, walking over to the bed.

“Oh hey, Dad,” Dan sighed, suddenly remembering his Dad was at the hospital too. Why was he still having so much trouble keeping track of everything?

“So, the doctors want you to get some casts soon,” his Dad said.

“Casts? For what?” Dan asked. Wait…what had he even injured? He recalled his Dad saying he had a broken shoulder, but…but everything hurt. “Wait, Dad what have I even done?”

He saw his Dad and Phil exchange a sad look. 

“Well,” his Dad sighed. “You’ve got a lot of different injuries. Would you like to hear about them now?”

“I guess,” Dan sighed. He supposed he’d have to hear about them at some point. He already knew everything hurt, naming them wouldn’t make a difference.

“When you fell, we’re not exactly sure what happened,” his Dad began. “But your right side of your body seemed to take all the impact, so well we think you fell maybe 10 or so stairs, and then sort of rolled down the rest.”

His Dad’s voice was shaky. Dan looked to Phil and he looked upset too.

“So…in summary,” his Dad said nervously. “You broke your right shoulder. Then you tore ligaments in your right ankle, knee, elbow and your wrist. Although they couldn’t tell your wrist without surgery, and we decided against that, so they’re going to treat it anyway. And then, um,” his Dad wiped his eyes. “You’ve sprained your other ankle, and your left elbow and shoulder, and your ribs…well, there is damage there too, and you’ve bruised most of your body, and there's your concussion,” his Dad was now wiping a tear away. “I’m so sorry Dan.”

Dan couldn’t think of anything to say. He knew that his body was incredibly sore…but somehow, unlike Dan had expected, hearing everything made it seem so much worse. If he had so many injuries…how long was it going to be until he could move properly?

“How…when…” Dan couldn’t even get the words out to ask.

“We’re not exactly sure,” his Dad said sadly. “But...well your broken shoulder is probably going to take about 8 to 12 weeks…but hopefully everything else will improve before then.”

8 to 12 weeks? What was he going to do all that time? He couldn’t even feed himself….how was he meant to get through all those months?

“Everything’s going to heal though,” Phil said softly. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

 

Somehow it was Phil’s affirmation that everything would be okay that finally caused Dan to start crying. Somehow…even though he’d been in a hospital for two days, even though he knew what happened with the fall…suddenly his emotions had just caught up to what happened.

He cried as his mind cast back to the accident. He suddenly felt scared all over again. As if he was back at the top of the staircase, trapped in a crowd of people, dreading what was going to happen next. The feeling of pure terror as Ryan punched him…the pain as he fell down all those stairs. The actual falling itself was still a blur in Dan’s memory, but it struck him now that he really could have…he could have…he didn’t want to think about it. He looked from his Dad to Phil who were both crying now…and tried not to think about how much worse things could have been. He was so injured…how had his Dad and Phil been holding it together? He shouldn’t be crying, like Phil said, he was okay, and everything was going to heal, but somehow knowing it could have been so much worse…it should have made him feel better, but the what could have been suddenly haunted Dan’s brain.

Phil placed his hand next to Dan’s. Even though he still felt nervous, he placed his hand on top of Phil’s and held it as he cried. Dan couldn’t say anything. Neither his Dad nor Phil said anything either.

He cried as he thought of all the pain he was in, how much his injuries hurt, how much his head hurt. He still felt so confused and was still having trouble piecing everything together. He loved that Phil was here, but part of him still felt sad they hadn’t been able to meet at the train station like they’d planned. He cried because he couldn’t hug Phil, they’d been so close to having the perfect week together and now it would be months before they got another chance. He cried over the fact his Mum didn’t care, that she seemed more upset by seeing him hold Phil’s hand that the actual injuries themselves.

He kept crying thinking of all the awful things that had happened over the year, all the horrors that had led up to that moment. The teasing, the insults, the punches, all the things they'd said about Phil, Ryan following him everywhere. Why did Ryan hate him so much? Had he known Dan was going to fall? Had he wanted Dan to fall? is heart was racing just thinking about it, remembering the way Ryan had grown angry when Dan had called him out on looking over at him…oh that was it! That was why Ryan had been so angry, because he was scared the other boys thought he liked boys. Which was like had said months ago..which he'd tell him once his Dad wasn't around, and once he had stopped crying over the entire year's worth of bad events. 

Dan cried for a long time, all these thoughts and painful memories swirling around in his head, scattered and confusing him, causing him to cry even more. After a while Dan simply lost the energy to keep crying.

“Here,” Phil held out a tissue, for Dan to take, then realised Dan couldn’t easily take it, "Oh right, let me.” Phil leaned in and Dan felt his heart racing at how close Phil was. His eyes looked even more beautiful up close…and his lips looked so soft, Dan wished he could just lean in himself and meet them with his own. He blushed at the thought, as Phil delicately wiped the tissue on each of his now red cheeks. He hoped Phil hadn’t noticed, but the way he smiled as the grew red seemed to indicate otherwise.

“So, um,” Dan said, averting his eyes from Phil in an attempt not to blush more. “What happens now?”

“So, we’re getting you some casts,” his Dad said. “You’ll have one from your right knee down to your ankle, and one on your right arm.”

“My whole right arm?” Dan asked.

“It’s to make sure you don’t do anymore damage,” his Dad said. “They don’t want any bones to move out of place, especially in your shoulder. Also, torn ligaments are tricky, and moving them can make them tear more, and we really don’t want you to have to have surgery, so all this will prevent that, and make sure they can heal on their own,” his Dad said.

“Right,” Dan nodded. “But, why didn’t they put them on earlier then?”

“Well, you had a lot of swelling, they had to wait for it to go down,” his Dad explained “but once we’ve got them on, we can go home!”

“Wait, but what does Mum think of Phil staying?” Dan asked looking from Phil to his Dad.

“Um, don’t worry about her, Dan,” his Dad said quickly.

“I am worried!” Dan exclaimed.

“She…she’s not going to be around this week,’ his Dad said slowly.

“What…what do you mean?” Dan asked. Wasn’t going to be around? Not that she was very helpful anyway…but she seriously wasn’t going to be there in the week Dan was this injured?

“She’s staying with her parents for a bit,” his Dad explained.

“What? But I’m, doesn’t she care how fucking injured I am?” Dan said angrily. How could she just leave?  

“She does, but,” his Dad sighed, “I’m sorry Dan. But the good news is, is Phil’s staying all week.”

“That’s true, I’d take Phil over Mum any day,” Dan agreed, but he was still angry. Sure, it was probably better not to have her around, but Dan couldn’t believe how little she cared about him. Dan tried not to take it personally, his Mum was just weird like that, but how could he not take it personally! He was in hospital and all she had done the entire time was make his boyfriend cry!

As Dan was pondering as to why she was acting the way she was, his Dad got called away to discuss Dan’s casts with the nurses.

“I feel really bad about your Mum,” Phil said.

“Don’t, she’s just awful,” Dan sighed.

“Well aside from her, are you okay, now you know all your injuries?” Phil asked, and Dan suddenly realised he had the opportunity to tell Phil what he’d remembered.

“Phil, you were right,” Dan whispered.

“What?” Phil asked, confused.

“Remember how ages ago, you said that maybe Ryan bullied me because he liked boys?”

“It was just a guess,” Phil said.

“Well…I think it was right, because well, the reason he punched me, the reason he got so angry was because I was,” Dan sighed. “Well, I was sitting out in sport, because you know, sport, and I was just thinking about you,” Dan blushed. “So, I was sort of blushing, but I was sitting ages away from everyone, and when Ryan…brought it up, well with your name…. I realised he must have been looking at me, to see and I sort of called him out on it.”

“Oh Bear,’ Phil said sadly.

“And then the other boys were like oooh ooh, and he freaking lost it,” Dan explained. “And then, well, you know the rest” Dan sighed.

“Oh Bear, I want to hug you so bad,” Phil sobbed.

“Oh Phil, don’t cry!” Dan said.

“He’s just, it doesn’t make sense, I mean in a twisted way I guess it does,” Phil sighed.

“What?” Dan asked.

“Well, Ryan must have feelings for you-“ Phil said but Dan interrupted. 

“What no, no I was just saying he was scared people thought he liked boys, not me! Phil! He hates, me, he couldn’t possibly like me!”

“No, I don’ think he does like you,” Phil sighed.

“You just said-“

“He doesn’t really like you as a person..” Phil interrupted. “I just think he probably experiences attraction towards you…he can’t seem to really stop looking at you with all the following around and stuff….and maybe I don’t know, feels things, but he doesn’t like the way he feels, and doesn’t want anyone to know so…he bullies you,” Phil said, wiping away some tears.

“Oh…” Dan sighed, confused. There was too much new information for his brain to process. Could any of that really be true? 

“Which just, makes it even more awful, because I mean, obviously he doesn't actually know that you like boys too, but you know you’d think he would be accepting of other people who like boys since he does, instead he just makes it worse for everyone.”

“But…I thought he just got angry at the suggestion…you really think he actually…” Dan's brain felt stuck....could that really be possible?

“I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t, but his reaction, and the way he’s bullied you so bad for so long, suggests maybe he does,” Phil shrugged.

“Eugh, that's so,” Dan said. Ryan...that was just gross.

“Well, you probably won’t ever have to see him again,” Phil smiled.

“He might not get expelled,” Dan said, not wanting to get his hopes too high. 

“Well, he’s sort of,” Phil looked around. “Your Dad said not to tell you yet, although I’m not sure why... Ryan's been charged with assault.”

“What?” Dan exclaimed. Had he heard correctly?

“Yeah, he’s got himself a criminal record,” Phil smirked.

“Is he going to jail?”

“Oh, I don’t think so, but the school are unlikely to keep him enrolled.”

“Wow,” Dan said, unsure what to say. His thoughts were still swimming with too much information to really process what Phil was saying. 

“But don’t worry about school too much, Bear,” Phil sighed.

“I still don’t want to ever go back,’ Dan said. Even without Ryan…. everyone else was still awful. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad…but thinking about returning to the place where everything was so bad made him feel sick. 

“Well, you won’t have to go back this year,” Phil said. “You know, only three weeks left, and with everything.”

“Oh,” Dan said, suddenly feeling relieved. “Oh yeah, that’s good…but there’s still next year.”

“Well, let’s not think about that yet. It’s a long way away,” Phil smiled, and his Dad returned to the room, with a nurse.

They took him to a different room to get his casts on. The doctor was very nice, explaining what was happening as she applied each of the casts. She also gave them instructions on how to look after the casts, although Dan found he couldn’t keep track of everything she was saying. His head was pounding again, and he wished he could just go back to sleep. His Dad seemed to be taking notes, so Dan figured he would have it under control. She also gave him a brace for his left ankle, and a sling for his left shoulder, as well as a wheelchair to use, since he wouldn’t be able to walk for a while. Finally, after what seemed like hours of instructions on pain relief, final tests and booking follow up appointments, they could leave the hospital and return home.

As he was being wheeled out of the hospital, Dan closed his eyes. He was simply too tired to keep them open. He could hear Phil’s gentle voice, and although he was too exhausted to make out what he was saying, the sound of it was very comforting.

Dan felt awful the whole car ride. His stomach felt nauseas, and although his Dad was driving very carefully, every turn made something hurt. It felt like the car ride went on for hours and hours, it was a huge relief when he realised they’d finally stopped.

Dan opened his eyes to see his familiar driveway. He looked over to the house and surprised to see a whole lot of flowers by the front door. What were they for?

“Oooh, look you’ve got a lot of flowers, Bear!” Phil smiled.

“From who?” Dan asked, as his Dad helped him (with great difficulty) out of the car and into his wheelchair.

“Let’s see,” Phil checked, running over to the door. “Wow, there’s a lot of them. There’s some from your grandparents, oooh, some from my Mum and Dad!”

“Aw, that was nice of them,” Dan smiled. He didn’t even know Phil’s parents, but he felt like he already loved them.

“I think some are from boys from school,” Phil sighed.

“Not the boys, their parents, probably,” his Dad said.

“They just feel guilty,” Dan said.

“Well, I think it’s better that they feel guilty than not feeling guilty,” Phil said.

“I suppose,” Dan sighed, feeling another wave of exhaustion. “When can I sleep?”

“I’ll just help you get set up on the couch, it will be better for your shoulder, then you can sleep as much as you like,” his Dad said, unlocking the front door.

“Don’t forget my pillow,” Phil said, passing it to Dan’s Dad.

Dan got assembled on the couch in the most comfortable position he could find, head resting against Phil’s soft pillow. He closed his eyes, and inhaled the scent, it smelt so good, like flowers, and trees and warmth. He smiled as he drifted off to sleep. 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for all your comments on the last chapter, they always make my day :)  
> Hope you enjoy all the fluff in this chapter! :D

_So many stairs. Ryan’s angry face. Too many stairs. Ryan’s fist coming towards him. No. No Escape. No. What was Ryan going to do to him? It was going to hurt so much.  It already hurt so much. Please, no. Not again._

“Bear, you’re okay, I promise, you’re just having another bad dream.”

_It was happening again. He was falling again. Ryan was punching him again._

“Bear, nothing’s happening, your home and your safe.”

_There were too many people. It was too crowded. He couldn’t escape. Ryan looked so angry. He was going to…._

“He’s not going to do anything, it’s not real Bear.”

_It’s not real...it’s not real Bear…Bear? Was that Phil? If Phil was here…oh no Ryan was going to punch Phil too. Dan looked from Ryan to Phil. Oh no oh no oh no. Don’t hurt Phil, please don’t hurt Phil_

Dan woke gasping for air, heart beating fast, his thoughts a scattered and confused. Was Phil okay? Where was Phil? Where was Dan himself? Dan felt more confused as he took in his surroundings. He couldn’t work out why the place felt so familiar, then he realised it was his living room. Although, there were flowers on the windowsill, which was odd as they never had flowers around the house. Then the hospital flashed back into his mind. Wait…when had he left? Had that been real?

“Are you okay, Bear?”

Bear? Dan looked across the other side of the room and saw Phil sitting in the armchair. Dan breathed a sigh of relief. Phil was okay. It really had just been a dream. Although, if he hadn’t fallen down the stairs, why did everything hurt so much? Dan looked down and saw casts over most the right side of his body, and splints and bandages on parts of his left. Dan began to panic as he struggled to remember why they were there.

“What’s happening?” Dan asked, trying not to cry.  “I can’t remember!”

“It’s okay. We’re at your house, we left the hospital this morning, and I’m staying for a while. Um, what else? Well, you got some casts put on for your injuries,” Phil explained.

“Why am I injured?”

“Oh, well you got hurt when um, Ryan punched you down the stairs.”

“Was that not a dream?” Dan begged, wishing it was just a dream.

“Oh Bear, no…that happened. Maybe it happened in a dream too, though,” Phil said sadly.

“Oh…” Dan said, now more confused. “But did you get punched too?”

“No,” Phil shook his head. “That part must have just been a dream.”

“So you’re okay?” Dan asked.

“I’m okay, Bear,” Phil sighed. “But, are you okay?”

Dan wasn’t okay. Everything hurt too much and he felt pangs of anxiety in his chest. He knew they were both safe at home, but terror from the dream still haunted Dan’s mind and he burst into tears.

“It’s okay!” Phil said, jumping off his armchair and kneeling on the floor beside Dan’s couch.  “I’m not sure why you’re crying, but I promise everything will be okay.”

It didn’t feel like everything would be okay.

“Can I get you anything?” Phil asked. “Maybe a glass of water or something?”

“Um, can you?” Dan said, suddenly realising how hot he was. Phil jumped up and headed toward the kitchen. How did he know his way around the house? He came back a few minutes later holding a glass of water with a straw in it.

“Sorry I took so long, I was trying to find your straws,” Phil said. “I thought it would be easier, so you don’t have to hold it.”

Dan smiled in return, as Phil held the glass of water close to Dan. He held the straw in place while Dan drank from it. He drank slowly, feeling some of his anxiety leave as he did so. He felt less confused now too, all the memories of the last few days flooding back into his mind.

“Thanks,” he said, blushing as he realised how close Phil was to him.

“Well, I wish I could get you some more painkillers, but your Dad said you can’t take more until later this evening,” Phil sighed.

“Okay,” Dan said. Sure, it was painful, but now that most of his stress had left his body he felt a lot better. “Where is Dad anyway?”

“When you fell asleep, he went to bed for a bit. He said to wake him when you woke up-“

“No don’t!” Dan said quickly. “I didn’t see him sleep the entire time at the hospital, is this the first time he’s slept since it happened?”

“Well…he might have slept a little bit,” Phil sighed.

“Let him sleep,” Dan said.

“Okay,” Phil said, sitting down again. “I know you’re not great,” Phil said, “but how are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” Dan sighed. “Tired still. In pain. And I hate these stupid casts.”

“I know you’d rather not have them, but they look kind of cool though,” Phil smiled.

“Cool? Is this your way of trying to make me feel better?” Dan asked, smiling.

“No, I’m serious! When I was younger I always wanted to break my arm so I could have a cast,” Phil said.

“What, why?” Dan laughed.

“Well, my best friend in school fell out of a tree and broke his arm and when he came back he had a cast and everyone signed his cast and he was like the coolest kid in school, and _I_ wanted to be that cool,” Phil sighed. “I guess I’ll just have to live all my cast dreams through you.”  
  
“Well, I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I still don’t like them,” Dan said, looking down at them. It was bad enough he could feel his pain, now he had a visual reminder of it too.“Just looking at them makes me remember everything-“

“Ooooh,” Phil said excitedly, interrupting Dan.

“What?” Dan asked.

“Can I sign them?” Phil asked. “That way they’ll look happier, and you can remember me instead!”

“Um, I guess,” Dan laughed. Phil’s eyes went wide, and he clapped his hands together, then went over to his backpack, leaving Dan to marvel at how cute Phil was. He got so excited about the smallest of things, even if Dan didn’t like his casts, it was almost worth it to see Phil happy like this. After a few minutes Phil pulled out a sharpie and knelt down beside Dan again and made a small dot on the cast on his arm

“Did that hurt?” he asked, looking up at Dan with wide eyes. _Those eyes._ Dan’s heart was racing, Phil’s face was so close to his he could just lean in and….

“Bear?” Phil asked and Dan blushed.

“Um, no I didn’t even feel it,” Dan said quickly, averting his eyes from Phil’s pink lips, begging his skin not to blush anymore.

“Great!” Phil said, as he began to write his name on the cast. He wrote in big letters and finished with a smiley face afterwards. Phil put down his pen and looked up at Dan.

“What, you’re not going to cover the whole thing?” Dan joked, while trying not to blush as Phil looked up at him with the softest expression.

“Of course I am,” he smiled, “I just needed some inspiration.”

“I was joking Phil!” Dan laughed. “Wait, what inspiration?” Dan asked, but Phil didn’t respond. Instead he had his eyes focused on Dan’s cast, and was beginning what seemed to be a quest to cover every part of Dan’s cast that he could reach.

Phil worked on the upper part first, and with his head around the cast Dan had no idea what he was writing, and every time Dan asked, Phil just dismissed him. Dan expected he was probably writing feel better soon messages, but his heart was still racing to see what he was writing. Although his heart was also racing to feel Phil incredibly close to him. Dan wished he could pull him in and hug him.

Phil shuffled along and began working on the other half of Dan’s cast, finally giving Dan the chance to read what he had already written. Dan felt his face go red as he took it all in. Rather than _feel better soon_ messages, Phil seemed to be making the cast into some kind of confession of love for Dan.

It was covered in words and small messages, doodles and drawings. Dan felt his heart swell with happiness as he took it all in. He’d written all his favourite compliments from their text messages, _Brave_ and _Special_ and _Beautiful._ Around all the words were little hearts, then there were also larger hearts with _D+P_ written inside them. There were also several animal drawings, a dog, a llama, and something else Dan couldn’t make out, as well as a large Bear, with the words I LOVE YOU BEAR written underneath. He’d also written  _I LOVE YOU_ and _PHIL LOVES DAN_ more times than he could count, as well as longer variations _I love you more than anything_ and _Phillip Lester loves Daniel Howell_. Dan could feel his whole body tingling just looking at the mural Phil was making for him.

He hadn’t even fully taken in the first half and Phil had already finished the other half. Dan tilted his head down to look at what else Phil had included. There were more drawings, more hearts, more lovely words, but what took up most of the space was a large drawing of two people. One in a black shirt and one in a checked shirt, their fringes going in opposite directions. They had smiles on their faces and their hands were joined, and Dan blushed as he noticed the heart between the heads, and even more so when he read the message beneath: YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY! _I hope this makes you happy too!_ Dan felt tears welling in his eyes as he took in the whole thing.

“Now when you look at your cast you can feel happy!” Phil smiled, looking up at Dan. “Do you like it?”

“Oh Phil, I love it!” Dan said with a shaky laugh, trying not to cry.

“Hey, are you okay?” Phil asked, looking into Dan’s eyes.

“Just happy,” Dan said.

“Oh,” Phil blushed. “Me too.”

“This cast is perfect Phil,” Dan said, suddenly feeling very tired.

“Well, I messed up a lot of the drawings,” Phil laughed.

“Nah, I like them,” Dan said. “Although, what’s that circle with scribbles meant to be?”

“That’s a lion!”

“I thought it was a me with my gross curly hair,” Dan sighed, already resigned himself to the fact his hair would have curled up after days of not straightening it.

“Well, I happen to love your curly hair,” Phil smiled.

“I like the stars,” Dan said, seeing stars in various places over the cast.

“No, those are starfish,” Phil said. “Since starfish regrow limbs, and you’re regrowing your limbs!”

“Phil I’m not regrowing limbs! Their just healing,” Dan laughed.

“Same thing,” Phil said.

“Wait, what does that say? This,” Dan couldn’t make out the next word, “This something to Phil,” Dan read out.

“This belongs to Phil,” Phil said cheekily.

“Phil, I know you always wanted a cast, but you can’t just claim my cast as yours,” Dan yawned.

“No, I meant the thing inside the cast,” Phil said.

“Oh,” Dan blushed. “So, I’m just a thing to you now.”

“A beautiful thing.’

“A sleepy thing,” Dan yawned, and closed his eyes.

 

“Dan, you’re gonna have to wake up now. I need to give you some medicine before the last lot wears off,” his Dad said. Why was his Dad trying to wake him up? He just wanted to sleep. Weren’t they giving him medicine through his drip anyway? What did he have to wake up for?

 “Dan, I know you’re tired, but you can go back to sleep once you’ve had your tablets,” his Dad said.

Tablets? Now he really didn’t want to wake up…

“Hey Bear, can you wake up for me?” Phil said. Phil wanted him to wake up? Dan opened his eyes, but was immediately confused by his surroundings. What happened to the hospital? Dan’s head was pounding. Why did it hurt so much?

“Well, Dan,” his Dad sighed. “It’s time for your medication which means you need to eat something.”

“I’m not hungry,” Dan said. His head hurt too much to even think about food.

“Well, I’m afraid you have to have food to have your tablets” his Dad said.

“I want to get you food,” Phil smiled. “So what should I get you?” Phil wanted to get him food? Oh…he didn’t want to disappoint Phil.

“Um, just bread or something simple I guess,’ Dan said, watching as Phil left the room. He had a really nice walk…

“Thank God for Phil,” his Dad mumbled, and Dan blushed, realising how weird it was to have his boyfriend and his Dad in the same room.

“Now, you’re going to have to sit up while you eat,” his Dad said, helping Dan lean up against the back of the couch. He moved Phil’s pillow and rested it under his right arm.

“Hang on, it’s better for your legs to be elevated” his Dad sighed, as he pulled over the foot rest and added some cushions for Dan to rest his legs on. He helped Dan swivel around, then started laughing.

“What?” Dan asked.

“I see Phil’s decorated your casts for you,” his Dad chuckled. Dan looked down to see that Phil had decorated his leg cast too, then blushed, thinking of his Dad reading all those messages. Before either of them could say anything, Phil returned with two slices of bread on a plate. He began to hand the plate to Dan then pulled it away.

“Oh wait,” Phil said, looking from the bread to Dan.

“Yeah, I um, might need some help,” Dan blushed, looking up at his Dad.

“Well, Phil’s here,” his Dad smirked and Dan blushed again.

“Ooh, I don’t mind,” Phil giggled, breaking apart a piece of bread. “Open wide!”

“Phil!” Dan blushed, partly because Phil looked so cute, but also because his Dad was still in the room.

“Sorry, I’ll be serious,” he said while smiling. Dan opened his mouth, trying his best not to blush, reminding himself that this really was the only way he could eat. Phil’s hand came towards him, and as he dropped the bread into his mouth, his fingers brushed against Dan’s lips, creating this incredible tingling feeling, which simultaneously caused Dan to blush and nearly choke on his piece of bread at the same time.

“Oh no! Sorry! I’ll get a smaller piece for you next time,” Phil said frantically, thinking it was his fault Dan had nearly choked. Dan didn’t feel the need to correct him, and certainly not with his Dad around.

Phil continued to transfer pieces of bread into Dan’s mouth, and every time Phil’s fingers accidently brushed against Dan’s skin the tingles continued.

“Sorry you had to feed me,” Dan sighed, feeling rather embarrassed about how incapable he was, being unable to simply feed himself.

“Oh, that’s okay,” Phil smiled.

“Well, now for the hard part,’ his Dad said, passing Phil two tablets.

“No,” Dan groaned.

“Sorry, ” Phil sighed. “I know you hate this, but I’ll put one on some bread and you can just swallow the whole thing, how’s that?”

“I guess,” Dan sighed. After several attempts, with choking, coughing and begging for water, he managed to swallow both the tablets.

“There you go,” his Dad said. “They’ll help with the pain, and your concussion.”

“I know,” Dan sighed.

“Now, if you begin to feel any different from normal, you have to tell me or Phil right away, okay?” his Dad said.

“Sure,” Dan said.

“So we’re going to take shifts,” his Dad said. “I’m going to rest for a bit more, and then I’ll watch you overnight, okay?”

“Sure,” Dan said again. He was now very awake, and just wanted his Dad to go away so he could spend time with Phil….

“You can’t have any more medicine for a while, but if you begin to feel worse pain, especially in your head, you have to tell me, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan sighed. When would his Dad leave?

“Wake me at any time,” he said, as left the room.

“I will!” Phil called out.

He smiled at Dan, and pointed to the space next to him on the couch.

“Can I sit there?” he asked.

“Um, yeah, if you like,” Dan said, his heart racing as Phil sat in the space beside Dan. _He was so close._ His legs were right next to Dan’s. His arm was inches from his. Phil turned to look at Dan. His face was so close _Oh God he was so beautiful._  He wished he could touch his face, or feel his hair, or brush his fingers against his own.

 “Um Phil?” Dan asked. They’d held hand for days, why did he feel so nervous to ask now?

“Yeah?” Phil smiled, and Dan felt himself blush just seeing his smile.

“Um, I was wondering if you could like,” Dan began. How had he been so confident in the hospital? He remembered practically demanding to hold Phil’s hand…

“What?” Phil tilted his head to the side and Dan’s heart raced faster. Then a memory flashed into his mind…he remembered telling Phil how much he liked it when he did that…

Oh no.

The compliments.

Oh shit.

Dan felt his face begin to burn from embarrassment, as he remembered all the things he said in the hospital. Why had he felt the need to share every thought that went through his mind?

“Bear what’s wrong?” Phil asked with concern. Dan couldn’t speak, and only blushed harder, remembering more things he said to Phil.

“Oh my gosh,” Phil said frantically. Phil probably thought he was developing a fever or having an allergic reaction. “Um, you don’t look too good, I’ll just get your Dad.”

“No Phil,” Dan said quickly. “No, I’m…I’m just embarrassed.”  

“Oh, why?” Phil said kindly, sinking back into the couch beside Dan. Dan’s mind was racing as he realised he must have told Phil every single thing he liked about him…which was a lot. Why had he said all that? Sure, he always thought it, but he always felt way too shy to be so fond aloud. Yet in the hospital…was there any part of Phil he hadn’t complimented?

 “Bear?” Phil prompted.

“Oh, it’s just…” Dan said, closing his eyes. It wasn’t that complimenting Phil was embarrassing…he’d just gone way over the top, and he wasn’t used to sharing his emotions like that. He preferred to keep his thoughts inside his head. Maybe it would have been okay if it had just been Phil….but he’d talked to nurses about Phil, and most of the time, _his Dad had been there._

“You can tell me, I’ve had more embarrassing moments than I can count,” Phil laughed, and Dan remembered the way Phil kept giggling at his compliments, being unable to understand why he was laughing, and Phil telling him he would probably understand why in a few days. Well, he understood why now.

“I realised why you were laughing in the hospital,” Dan admitted.

 “Oh Bear,” Phil giggled. “You don’t have to be embarrassed about that! I mean, you’re you, so I understand that you are. I know you don’t usually say things like that, and you feel a bit weird that you did, but Bear,” Phil laughed. “I loved hearing all of those compliments. I was so stressed when I got to hospital, and seeing you so bright and happy to see me, and having you tell me all the things you like about me,” Phil gave a small blush now too. “Well, you made me very happy.”

Dan blushed harder at Phil’s words. He was glad he had made Phil happy, but at the same time...

“But I went so overboard!” Dan exclaimed. “I couldn’t go one minute without complimenting you!”

“Okay, maybe you went a little overboard,” Phil laughed. “But I liked it.”

“Well, that’s great,” Dan said sarcastically. “BUT IT WASN’T JUST YOU!  TOLD MY DAD HOW PRETTY YOU ARE! I WAS TELLING THE NURSE HOW YOU CALL ME BEAR.”

“What when?” Phil asked, surprise flicking across his face.

“You were sleeping,” Dan sighed.

“Oh,” Phil sighed. “Oh I see…oh, I see why your embarrassed.”

“Oh my god what else did I say to my Dad? I’m never going to be able to look at him again.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t so bad. Honestly, the things you were saying to me, it’s fine if your Dad heard them, I mean he knows we’re boyfriends.’

“But Phil,” Dan groaned.

“I understand how your feeling…but if it helps, I think it probably made your Dad feel better to hear you so happy, like we were both so worried about you, that hearing you waffle about me, probably really helped your Dad,” Phil said.

“I think I talked to him about your eyes for about five minutes,” Dan said, unable to comprehend why he had thought that was a good idea.  
  
“Oh,” Phil giggled, “Well, I know how much you like my eyes.”

“You’re not allowed to tease me on this Phil, I was drugged,” Dan said.

“So, you could cope!” Phil laughed.

“Well they should have given me less, I was freaking telling the nurse and my Dad all about what a great boyfriend you are” Dan said, feeling like he was going to implode just remembering the memory.

“Oh really?” Phil laughed.

“DON’T LAUGH!” Dan said, but he was laughing a little too.

“Well, you probably won’t ever see the nurse again,” Phil said. “But I think she liked you, remember, she was like to me, hang on to that one.”

“What?”

“I told you,” Phil said.

“No, you didn’t!” Dan said.

“Yeah, I did. But I think you thought I was talking about holding my hand,” Phil laughed “and then you probably got distracted complimenting me again.”  If Dan could move any of his limbs he’d crawl up in a ball of embarrassment.

“You,” Dan said, “were laughing at me the whole time.”

“Aww,” Phil said. “Not at you, I was only laughing because you were so cute and it was so unexpected. I didn’t think you’d be up to talking much at all and then you were just hurling compliments at me. It was so lovely I couldn’t help but laugh, I was just happy!”

“Sorry, it shouldn’t have been such a novelty,” Dan sighed. Phil was so incredible he deserved all those compliments, yet Dan just found it so hard to speak those kinds of thoughts.

“Oh Bear! No, I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad! Bear, it was just different. Thing is Bear, I’ve always known you think all those things anyway,” Phil smiled. “You don’t have to use words to compliment me…I can see it when you look at me in a certain way, and the way you start blushing and look away quickly.”

“Oh,” Dan blushed, looking away now too. He knew always did that, thinking about how much he liked Phil until he started blushing, and looking away in attempt to make sure Phil wouldn’t notice. Of course Phil noticed, how could Dan have thought he wouldn’t?

“Especially those times…” Phil laughed. “Don’t kill me, but sometimes I’m talking about my day, and I can tell you’re not listening, so I start saying something crazy and random and you don’t even notice.”

Oh no…what was Phil talking about? Sure…Dan sometimes became distracted from Phil’s stories by thinking about Phil…but he never realised Phil had noticed.

“What, how often do you do this?” Dan asked, confused.

“Oh I don’t know, it happens like once a skype call,” Phil admitted.

“WHAT?” Dan exclaimed.

“Yeah I’ll be talking about my day and then I’ll be like, well then a squirrel jumped into my hair and I kept it as a pet, and then I went to my next class,” Phil laughed. “And you just keep looking at me in this like, loving way, and eventually you blush, and I feel so warm inside, just wondering what you must have been thinking,” Phil laughed, looking at Dan’s outraged face.

“I-“ Dan couldn’t believe this had been happening so long and he had no idea.

“Anyway, I don’t want you to feel bad for like, not complimenting me with words, because you don’t need to, I can see,” Phil smiled. “As lovely as you were in the hospital, Bear, I love you just the way you are, and I love that you feel shy saying those kind of things.”

“It’s just that,” Dan sighed, wanting to articulate why he always felt so nervous. “I’m so used to keeping all my thoughts about you in my head. It was just like, when I watched your videos, I used to try to convince myself I just liked you as a friend. Like, every time I thought something like that, I’d stop myself. Then when we started talking, I couldn’t convince myself, but I was trying to make sure you didn’t find out I liked you,” Dan sighed, remembering how that turned out. “But it’s just habit you know? To keep all my thoughts in my head. Then there are times, where I want to tell you, and I don’t know,” Dan blushed, “I just feel overwhelmed by how much I like you I can’t even get the words out.”

“Oh Bear,” Phil giggled, blushing now too. “Here,” Phil slid his hand inside Dan’s, and Dan blushed as they entwined their fingers. Dan’s heart was racing…he loved holding Phil’s hand so much.

“This is because I can’t hug you,” Phil said.

“Thanks,” Dan smiled.

“Do you like this?” Phil asked, and it was in such a gentle and soft way Dan knew Phil wasn’t teasing him.

“Yeah,” Dan smiled “I like this a lot.”

Phil laughed, and looked down at their joined hands. Dan still couldn’t believe he was touching Phil. After nearly two years of watching him, after 9 months of Skype calls, he was finally right beside Dan.

“Well, I know we were in hospital and all, but I’ve really liked being able to spend this time with you,” Dan said. “Sort of makes it worth it to be able to have you next to me.”

“Aww,” Phil smiled. “Well I wish you didn’t have to be in so much pain, but I’m glad we finally met in person. You’re even more beautiful in real life,” Phil said.

“Oh…” Dan blushed, knowing he should say that he thought so too. “You too.”  

“Bear,” Phil yawned. "Man, I'm tired." 

“Oh my God Phil! You need to sleep!” Dan said suddenly, realising how sleep deprived Phil must be. He’d only slept in a chair for the past couple nights.

“Oh, I’m fine,” Phil yawned, and Dan took in the dark bags under his eyes.

“No, you’re not! Phil, go to sleep!” Dan insisted.

“Okay,” Phil sighed, and walked over to the armchair. Phil couldn’t sleep in a chair again….but there was only one other bed in the house.

“Phil you’re welcome to sleep in my bed,” Dan said, trying not to blush as he said it. He was only being practical (after all he was going to be sleeping on the couch) but the idea of Phil in his bed….

“Oh, that’s okay, thankyou though,” Phil said quickly.

“I’m not going to be using it and you need a proper bed!” Dan said, blushing now. He was only being practical, but _Phil in his bed._

“Are you sure? I don’t want to make things weird,” Phil said, avoiding eye contact.

“Phil you’ve only slept a few hours, in a chair, in the past few days!” Dan sighed. “Go sleep in my bed.”

“Oh, okay,” Phil blushed. “Oh, and I should go wake your Dad, in case you need someone.”

Phil turned to leave the room.

 “Wait, do you want your pillow?” Dan asked. He felt bad he’d been using Phil’s pillow for days, when he’d thought to bring it all this way. He knew how much Phil loved his pillow, and how it helped him feel less homesick when he was away from home.

“No keep it,” Phil smiled. “I’d rather use yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there are still some unanswered questions, but they'll all be answered in the next chapter!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter! Although it's a lot sadder than the previous one :(

Although Dan was exhausted, between his recurring Ryan nightmares and ongoing pain, he could barely stay asleep for more than an hour. He’d either wake up in a state of panic, stressed and disorientated, needing his dad to talk to him until he realised he was home and safe. Or he would wake up gasping from pain through his head or shoulder, and all he could do was try and distract himself from the pain. As a result, he ended up spending a lot of time talking to his Dad, who seemed wide awake after sleeping most of the afternoon.

“Oh by the way,” his Dad said, “this is probably a given, but I’ve taken the time of work while we get through this.”

“Oh!” Dan said, genuinely surprised. He couldn’t remember the last time his Dad had taken of time of work for anything, but Dan supposed, if there was one thing to take time of work for, it would be this. “Oh thanks, Dad.”

“Don’t thank me,” his Dad laughed, “as if I could go to work when you need me.”

“Well, Mum’s not exactly here,” Dan retorted, and he heard his Dad sigh.

“I’m sorry Dan, your Mum’s just…” he sighed again but didn’t finish.

“Why isn’t she here?” Dan asked. His head was sore, as was everything else, but right now all he cared about was finding out why she had decided to stay somewhere else when Dan was so injured.

“She’s at her parents,” his Dad quickly.

“That wasn’t my question,” Dan said. “Why is she staying at her parents?”

“Well, it makes it easier, doesn’t it?” his Dad said without answering the question.

“Yeah, but why isn’t she here?” Dan asked again, but was once again met with no response. “Does she even care about what happened to me?”

“She does,” his Dad said slowly.

“Well if she cares, then why isn’t she here? If she cared, then she would want to help me,” Dan said, closing his eyes. Talking made him so tired…

“Well, even if she was here Dan, I’m not sure she’d be much help,” his Dad said.

“I know, at the hospital she was opposite of helpful...” Dan sighed, then came across an alarming realization. He opened his eyes, and began to feel familiar feelings of panic settle in his chest. “Wait, it’s Phil, isn’t it! That’s why she’s not here, because she doesn’t like Phil!”

“No!” His Dad said quickly, as Dan opened his eyes again.

“Then why?” Dan said angrily, his head pounding more in frustration.

“Well, look, it’s not that she doesn’t like Phil…specifically…” his Dad paused. “After she saw you two at the hospital…she’s having a bit of trouble accepting the idea of you having a boyfriend.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME,” Dan yelled, so angry he couldn’t stop himself. His head was not only pounding from pain, but from an incredible sense of anger and hurt. He knew his Mum was bad…but he honestly hadn’t though she was this bad. 

“She’ll get used to it-“ his Dad began to say.

“WHAT’S THERE TO GET USED TO? THAT PHIL MAKES ME HAPPY?”

“I agree with you-,”

“SHE ACTUALLY IS SO HOMOPHOBIC THAT SHE’S NOT HERE WHEN I’M DYING!”

“Dan, you’re not dying, please don’t say that” his Dad said, “also, keep your voice down all you’ll wake Phil,” he whispered.

“I hate her,” Dan whispered angrily, trying to stop himself from crying, but failing. Tears began to fall, hot and heavy down his face. 

“I know,” his Dad mumbled. “I’m not happy with her either. I’m really sorry Dan.”

“It’s not your fault,’ Dan sniffed.

“Well, in a way I feel like it is,” he sighed. “I was furious at the hospital. Well she was too...we had a huge argument and I told her that if she had a problem with Phil staying, she could stay somewhere else. I didn’t expect her to though.”

“Yeah so, it’s her problem; she has a problem with Phil,” Dan sobbed.

“It’s not that she doesn’t like Phil,” his Dad began.

“No, it’s that she doesn’t like me,” Dan finished.

“She’s your Mum, she has her ways, she’ll always love you-” his Dad began but Dan interrupted him.

“But she doesn’t love me loving Phil,” Dan sobbed, crying from a combination of hurt, anger, and general pain. He wished he was confused this time…but this time the situation was abundantly clear. Why couldn’t his mother just accept him for who he was? Why did she have a problem with him having a boyfriend that made him so happy? 

“Don’t let this change anything with you and Phil, Dan,” his Dad said.

“It won’t,” Dan cried. “But does Phil know?”

“I haven’t told him,” his Dad said.

“Do you think he’s still upset after what Mum said to him?” Dan asked.

“No, after whatever you said to him, he seemed kind of happy actually,” his Dad said, a confused look on his face.

“Oh,” Dan sighed. “I don’t know what I said…I can’t remember,”

“Don’t worry about remembering, I’m sure it will come back. Or you could just ask him,” his Dad said. Had he already asked Phil? If he had he couldn’t remember his answer. However, his mind was more preoccupied on his Mum than what he’d said to Phil.

“Yeah..I still can’t believe Mum though,” Dan said, finally stopping crying, simply because he had lost all energy to. His Mum really...she really hated him for who he was. She couldn't deal with it so much...that she left, while Dan was suffering countless injuries. What would happen now? It wasn't like he'd ever had a good relationship with his mother...but would she ever talk to him again? 

Dan wasn’t sure how he got to sleep, with all the sad and angry thoughts in his mind, but the next time it wasn’t due to a stressful dream or pain, but instead the overwhelming need to use the bathroom. His Dad helped him into his wheelchair, and then had to help him in the bathroom (which was mortifying, but Dan was just glad he had some use of his left hand.) 

“While we’re here you should get changed,” his Dad said.

“What, no!” Dan said. His mind was still swimming of thoughts of his mother...he didn't need to be embarrassed by his father now too.

“You’re going to feel a lot better out of those sweaty hospital clothes,” his Dad insisted.

“No, you’re not changing me, you’ll hurt me and just no,” Dan protested. He just wanted to cry.

“Dan, you’re going to have to change at some point. Plus you don’t want to be smelly for Phil do you?” His Dad teased. Dan blushed and then scowled.

“Fine,” Dan said. Even if he was embarrassed, that distraction would be better than thinking of his mother. And at least he'd look better when Phil next saw him.  It took nearly 20 embarrassing minutes for his Dad to carefully change him into clean clothes, and Dan had to admit he did feel better in clean clothes. As they left the bathroom Dan caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

“Wait!” He said to his Dad, and his Dad paused in front of the mirror. His hair, as expected, was a curly mess, but more alarming was that his face was completely covered in scrapes and scratches. Across his cheeks were a series of small grazes, as well as a number of larger scratches. There was also a large scratch down his nose, as well as grazes along his chin. There was also a large bandage wrapped around his head, obscuring his forehead. Dan let out a whimper when he realised what Phil had been looking at for days.

“Dan, what’s wrong?” his Dad asked.

“My face…” Dan said. He couldn’t believe he looked like that the first time Phil saw him in real life. Why had no one said anything?

“I’m sorry,” his Dad sighed. “The scratches will heal up soon, and the bruising will go down eventually.”

“What’s under the bandage?” Dan asked, his Dad hesitated for a moment before unwrapping the bandage for Dan to see.

“Oh,” Dan said, taking in a large red gash across the length of his forehead, and purple bruising covering the rest of it too.  His Dad quickly wrapped it back up.

“It’s going to heal,” his Dad said quickly. “We’ve got some creams and things too, to make it heal more quickly. I could put some on now-“

“Don’t touch it,” Dan said quickly. His head was hurting just with his Dad touching the bandages, he wasn’t ready for the pain that would be someone touching his head.

“I’ll be careful,” his Dad said. 

“No, my head hurts enough, you are _not_ touching it.”

“Dan it’s important it doesn’t get infected,” his Dad said.

“Well I don’t care! You’re not going anywhere near my head Dad,” Dan said. He knew what his Dad was saying was right, but he couldn’t bear the thought of anymore pain to his head.

 His Dad sighed, “Fine I won’t do it now, but I’ll have to at some point.”  

His Dad wheeled him back out to the lounge, passing Dan’s bedroom along the way. It was weird to be on the other side of his own closed door. But far weirder to think Phil was inside, in his bed, using his blankets and his pillow. He blushed as he imagined it, and more so when he imagined himself sleeping with Phil in his arms. He sighed, realising how long it would be before he could cuddle Phil.

As soon as his Dad helped him back on the couch (thank goodness his Dad was so strong) Dan fell asleep again, and when he next woke sunlight was streaming in over the curtains. He felt okay for a moment, until .he remembered his Mum, and why she wasn't here. He tried to put it out of his mind, but it was difficult. He tried not to care, but he couldn't help it. Dan sighed and looked around the room, mood brightening when he saw Phil was sitting in the armchair across from him, intently looking at a textbook open in his lap. He was wearing his glasses, and Dan couldn’t stop his heart racing just looking at him. He was distracted by Phil for a few minutes, before he remembered his Mum again. How was he going to tell Phil? He knew Phil would be so kind, but Dan wasn't sure how he would manage to get the words out. He knew Phil would be just as upset as him. He knew Phil would support him, but somehow Dan knew he couldn't tell him yet. He would, but not today. Maybe not tomorrow, even. He was still in shock, his heart still hurt to much to get the words out. Suddenly, Phil looked up interrupted his thoughts.  

 “Bear!” Phil laughed, and Dan blushed. “How long have you been awake?”

“Uh, not too long,’ he said quickly, then felt a throbbing pain through his head. “Fuck my head hurts.”

“Oh,” Phil’s lip quivered. “Hold on, I’ll just get your Dad, I think we can get you some medicine.”

Phil returned with his Dad a few minutes later, and Dan spent the whole time trying not to cry. His head hurt so much…

 “You can have your tablets, but you need some breakfast first. What will it be?” his Dad said, although Dan was finding it difficult to concentrate on his words. Breakfast…what did he need breakfast for…he couldn’t manage breakfast.

“I don’t really feel like anything,” Dan said. He wasn’t sure where his appetite had gone, but he really didn’t feel hungry.

“Cereal? Toast? Pancakes?” Phil prompted. _Pancakes, really Phil?_ Dan would have smiled if his head didn’t hurt so much. “Come on, once you eat you can have your tablets, then you’ll feel loads better.”

 “Just cereal, crunchy nut or something,” Dan sighed, opening his eyes, to see Phil bouncing off to the kitchen to get it for him. He returned quickly, and fed Dan spoonful after spoonful of cereal, then they had the whole tablet swallowing ordeal to get through again. Although it was worth it, as after a few minutes, the pain in his head began to fade, reaching a tolerable level as his Dad left the room to get some sleep.

“How’d you sleep, Bear?” Phil asked, sitting down on the couch beside him. How had he slept...not well. Not with the pain and the dreams and thoughts of his mother. Dan sighed, and decided to try and forget about her for today. No, he wasn't just going to try, he simply wasn't going to think about her at all. Phil was here...so right now he could focus on the way his heart was pounding again at Phil’s close presence. He could focus on how close Phil's eyes were, how he could see the individual eyelashes. Dan noticed Phil's mouth was moving again but he couldn’t hear the words he was saying, he could stop wondering how soft those lips must feel. Dan blushed and looked away, hoping Phil had noticed his eyes lingering on his lips.

“Bear? You okay there?” Phil said softly. Oh no…what had Phil been saying?

“Uh, yeah, sorry,” Dan stammered. “What were you saying?”  
  
“Just wondering how you’re feeling today?” Phil laughed.

“Oh, better now” Dan began to say, then remembered. “You didn’t tell me about my face.”

“What about it?” Phil said.

“How ugly it is,” Dan complained.

“No it’s not,” Phil frowned.

“Yes it is! I have a million scratches and cuts”

“So? They just show how brave you are.” Phil said.

“I hate them,” Dan said angrily.

“Oh Bear,” Phil sighed. “They’ll heal up soon, speaking of, can I put your cream on now?” Phil asked.

“What?” Dan asked. Phil put his cream on? How did Phil even know about the cream?

“Your Dad said you wanted me to,” Phil smiled.

“I didn’t say that!” Dan said, furious with his Dad. Why had he told Phil that?

“But, he told me-” Phil said looking confused.

“He’s unbelievable,” Dan said, realising what his Dad had done. Of course, he thought Dan would do anything if Phil asked. Dan scowled, he wasn’t playing this game. “No Phil, touching my head is going to make it hurt more.”  

“But you have to put it on, you don’t want your scratches to get infected,” Phil said, with a worried glance at his forehead. “Please let me put on, Bear.” Phil pouted, and Dan’s heart melted. His Dad’s plan had worked; there was no way he could say no to Phil.

“Fine, but don’t hurt me,” Dan said, and Phil smiled grabbing the cream from his pocket. His Dad had really planned this, hadn't he. 

“I can’t believe him,” Dan seethed, and Phil laughed.

“I don’t mind,” Phil smiled, as he opened up the tube.

“Well, he shouldn’t be using you like this,” Dan scowled.

“He’s not,’ Phil laughed. “I think he’s more using the fact he knows you’ll do anything for me.”

“Hmph,” Dan scowled as Phil unwrapped his bandages.

“Now stay still, I don’t want to get this in your eye.”

Dan sighed and closed his eyes as squeezed some of the cream onto his forehead.

“I have to spread this out,” Phil sighed, “I’m so sorry if this hurts.”

The following minute was the strangest mixture of pain and (Dan had to admit) pleasure. His head was so sensitive that even Phil’s delicate fingers caused him pain, but at the same time Phil’s soft touch gave him such warm tingles, that he was almost sad when the pressure left.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, at Dan’s silence.

“Mmm,” Dan blushed, opening his eyes and seeing Phil’s face so close to his. Phil was re wrapping the bandage around his head.

“Should I put it on all these little ones now too?” Phil asked, eyes flicking over his face.

“Probably don’t need to,” Dan said quickly, feeling himself blush again. Oh God, Phil couldn’t touch his cheeks while he was blushing.

“But it’s now or later, and if you do it now it will help them heal sooner,” Phil said. “I think I should.”

“Uh, okay,” Dan said, heart beating uncontrollably.

“Hold still,” Phil said, squeezing out more cream. Suddenly Phil’s fingers were on his cheeks, on his nose, just beneath his lips, and unlike his forehead, this time it didn’t hurt at all. His fingers were so soft and delicate, and caused tingles at every point of contact.  He couldn’t help but enjoy it, as Phil gently smoothed the cream across his face, his touch just felt so incredible.

“There,” Phil smiled. “Well, it’s done now, but we have to do this twice a day.”

“Oh okay,” Dan blushed, wishing Phil would touch his face more.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Phil asked.

“No,” Dan said. Maybe touching his forehead did hurt a bit. But the rest of it had been quite nice really…

“Hmm, are you just saying that?” Phil asked.

“No!” Dan exclaimed.

“I can’t tell if that was horribly painful and you don’t want to make me feel bad, or if you secretly enjoyed me touching your face.”

Dan blushed.

“Caught you,” Phil giggled.

“Well,” Dan stammered, “It did hurt too.”

“Oh no, I’m so sorry Bear,” Phil said sadly.

“It’s okay,” Dan said, “I guess better you than my Dad.”

“I like your Dad, he’s funny,” Phil said suddenly.

“What, funny making you make me do everything I won’t do otherwise?”

Phil laughed.

“He’s just a really nice guy,” Phil smiled. “He was so nice to me in hospital.”

“Obviously he was going to be nice to my boyfriend that had traveled across the country,” Dan said “Hey, you still haven’t told me how you got here!”

“I told you, on a train.”

“But how did you know to come? I never gave my Dad your number, how did he contact you?” Dan said, still not understanding how Phil came to be at the hospital.

 “Well…it didn’t exactly happen like that. Thing is, the reason your Dad….” Phil sighed. “I sort of panicked and called your Dad, and that’s how he knew.”

“What?” Dan said, Phil’s words were making sense. He couldn’t piece this together.

“Coz, you didn’t call me. I got worried,” Phil said.

“What do you mean?” Dan said, feeling like he was missing a piece. What had he forgotten about now?

“Bear…you’re dealing with a lot right now, this is sort of a stressful story-“

“Please tell me,” Dan said. He'd suddenly just remembered his mother again...anything would be better than thinking about her. 

“Bear,” Phil said softly.   
  
“I feel okay right now. I just had my meds. I want you to tell me,” Dan insisted. 

“Well..well…” Phil stammered. “What if I make you upset? Will it hurt your head if you start crying?

“Well, being confused hurts my head too, and right now I’m confused so tell me,” Dan begged. “You have to at some point.”

“Oh okay…well…” Phil sighed.  “Oh, well it’s okay, don’t be upset,” Phil began. “We were sort of meant to have a date that afternoon.”

“Oh no!” Dan said, he felt awful. He still couldn’t even remember organizing the date, but he knew how much effort Phil always put into them. “Oh…Phil, I’m so sorry.’

“DON’T YOU DARE APOLOGISE!” Phil exclaimed so loud he hurt Dan’s ears.

“But I, I feel bad about the date,” Dan sighed.

“Oh, please don’t! Here,” Phil slid his hand into Dan’s uninjured one and smiled, “That’s nice.”

Even though they’d held hands for days, Dan still couldn’t get over how delicate Phil’s hand felt in his, how amazing it felt to have his palm against his, how soft his fingers were. It just felt so right. So good. It just felt perfect.

 “Anyway,” Phil sighed. “You were meant to call me on your way home from school, but you didn’t call. So, I called you, and you didn’t answer. So, I waited and called again. And I was hoping that maybe you’d lost your phone or something, but I was really worried, since you’d said you were having a really bad day, and things with Ryan were bad,” Phil’s lip was quivering now. “So…so I panicked and called your Dad.”

 “How did you have his number though?” Dan asked, looking at Phil’s eyes growing watery.

“You gave me his number a while ago, I think when you first hurt your shoulder?” Phil frowned. “Well, it was in my phone, so I called. He was very confused, and didn’t understand why I was so upset. He said he hadn’t heard anything, so you must be fine,” Phil sighed. “But I knew your school is…not the best, so I begged him to check. He seemed sort of annoyed, and  I thought he was going to hate me for randomly calling in his work day. I wanted him to hate me if it meant you were okay,” Phil was crying now, and his hand was shaking. Dan wished he could squeeze his hand, or hug him, or comfort him somehow.

“I am okay Phil,” Dan said. Phil gave a small smile and continued.

“So, he got there, and saw an ambulance out the front, then ran into the school and found you passed out with paramedics testing your heart and stuff.”

“Oh…I feel so awful, you guys must have been so stressed,” Dan said, feeling tears begin to well in his eyes as well. “But…why didn’t the school call my Dad? Were they just going to take me to hospital by myself? How would I have dealt with all the doctors, my Dad literally had to do all the talking I could barely stay conscious...”   
  
“I know, that’s what he kept saying,” Phil said. “So, um, your Dad yelled at them to stop testing you and get you to hospital. He couldn’t believe how long you must have been lying there and…anyway you’re fine,” Phil sobbed.

“Anyway, your Dad hadn’t messaged me within 10 minutes, I knew something was wrong…well I hoped he was just super angry with me…but I was panicking about you, so I started packing my bag,” Phil sobbed.

“Oh Phil,” Dan started crying too.  
  
“I’m not going to tell you what I was thinking…but I had to see you,” Phil sobbed. “I was already on my way to the train station, and then I got his text…and even though I had been scared, I felt like I was dying when he said you were in an ambulance,” Phil sobbed.

“I feel so bad, I can’t imagine,” Dan sniffed, not wanting to imagine the wreck he would have been if it had been the other way around.

“Well, it was probably because I looked so bad, they let me on the next train to Reading, even though there were no tickets left,” Phil gave a small smile. “Your Dad text me updates along the way. So I knew you were fine but,” Phil sobbed. "I could finally breathe again when he text me to say you said my name.”

“Your name?” Dan asked.

“Yeah…I don’t know, your Dad said you were unconscious and then you woke up and said my name,” Phil blushed.

“Oh…I don’t remember,” Dan said. He’d woken up and said Phil’s name?

“But your Dad was super relieved, because not only were you conscious, but you had your memory, and stuff,” Phil sighed. "Anyway I arrived at hospital, maybe half an hour before we talked." 

“Phil…I don’t know how you did it…I,” Dan sobbed, if Phil had been in an accident…Dan probably would have had to be hospitalized himself just from the stress.

 “Oh, Dan…it was bad….it was really bad, but we’re okay now, that’s all that matters.”   
  
 “But Phil…Just, I don’t know how you kept it together. I think this was harder on you than me,” Dan cried. God…he was on medication, yet Phil had to deal with all the emotions on his own. Dan couldn't stop himself crying

“Don’t be silly,” Phil sobbed. “You’re the one in pain,”

“I was so confused and in pain I barely even realised what happened until Dad told me about all my injuries.”

“Oh, I thought that was just because you were sad about all your injuries.”

“Well yeah, everything hit me at once,” Dan sobbed. “You know all the Ryan stuff.”

“Bear,” Phil sobbed, and began drawing patterns on the back of Dan’s hand with his spare one. _God, it felt good._

“What’s going to happen with Ryan now?” Dan asked, transfixed by the sight of Phil’s pale finger on the back of his tanned hand.

“Charged with assault remember?” Phil said.

“But how is that possible? I know he meant to punch me, but the stairs were an accident.” Dan said, and Phil didn’t answer. “They were an accident right?” Dan looked up at Phil.

“I don’t actually know, Bear,” Phil sobbed. “You’re Dad hasn’t filled me in on that much.”

“Oh…oh…” Dan felt his body shaking. What if…if it wasn’t an accident…had Ryan actually wanted him to fall down all those stairs? There were a lot of stairs…Ryan would have known that a fall like that could…

“Don’t think about it Bear,” Phil said. Dan wasn’t sure what Phil thought he was thinking, but regardless he was right, he knew he shouldn't think like that. 

“He’s going to be expelled, you won’t have to see him again,” Phil said.

“What if he’s not?” Dan said, fear catching in his voice. He wanted not to be scared, but he still aws. 

“He will be,” Phil said with certainty.

“When will I know for sure?” Dan asked.

“Well your Dad has a big meeting about it all tomorrow,” Phil said.

“Do I have to go?” Dan asked, realising how he had barely been a part of the whole situation, despite the fact it was all about him.

“Oh, I’m sure you could go if you want to,” Phil said.

“I don’t want to, I just feel so out of the whole situation.”

“Bear, you’ve dealt with more than your fair share of this.” Phil said, placing his hand on Dan’s so now his hand was sandwiched between both of Phil’s.

Phil looked up at him. His eyes were red, and his glasses had tear marks on them too, but suddenly he started laughing.

“Oh Bear,” Phil giggled, although he was still crying. “Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, just you’ve messed up all your cream from crying.”

“Oh,” Dan sighed.

“Sorry, not funny, you just look cute,’ Phil said. “Here, let me fix it.”

Phil let go of his hand and wiped his face, and reapplied the cream, which was rather comforting and felt so good Dan forgot what he was crying about earlier. His head was beginning to pound again though.

“There,” Phil smiled. “You look tired, wanna sleep?”

"Yeah I guess,” Dan said closing his eyes. He might have fallen straight to sleep but then an image of Ryan came back into his mind. “But what about Ryan? I’m scared Phil-“

“Don’t be scared, there’s nothing to be scared of,” Phil said gently.

“But what if it wasn’t an accident? I thought he just punched me without thinking about the stairs, but what if he wanted me to fall down the stairs too?”

“Either way you’re fine,” Phil said softly.

“But it’s scarier if he wanted me to fall,” Dan said.

“It’s in the past now, and you're okay, Bear,” Phil said. Dan knew he was okay, but he still couldn't shake the terrified feeling he'd had ever since he realised that Ryan might have intended him to fall down the stairs. If the fall hadn't been an accident, what had Ryan really wanted to happen to Dan?


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou so much for your patience with this chapter! I was sick and couldn't write, but I'm all good now & updates will go back to every 2-3 days :)  
> Hope you enjoy this!!

Dan couldn’t stop worrying about Ryan. He couldn’t stop his mind from fearing what could happen if he ever saw Ryan again, nor could he stop his heart racing in fear at those thoughts. The shaking, and nausea and general feeling of dread Dan experienced at school was pressing in on him again, making his injuries feel sorer and his head throb more. He wished he could stop worrying but he couldn’t.

There were times when times Phil could stop him, with his calming words and soft fingers drawing patterns on the back of Dan’s left hand. His fingers felt so soft, it was so easy for Dan to close his eyes, and just focus on the feeling. Sometimes it would even make his panic fade away. However other times, his thoughts caused him to panic so much, even Phil's soft touch and kind words couldn’t calm him down.

Especially at night, when the nightmares ran wild through his sleeping mind. Images of punches, staircases and Ryan's face haunted his dreams, which were only becoming more vivid and terrifying as the days passed. He continued to wake up in a state of panic, disorientated and often screaming out in fear. It always took him a long time to be able to think and even breathe properly.

Dan was beginning to worry that the nightmares would never leave and he feared what would happen if he woke up without Phil or his Dad beside him to remind him that he was okay. Although, he was far more terrified of the real-life prospect that he might have another encounter with Ryan, and it would be even worse than his last one. His brain of course, took all these worries into his dreams, giving him far too many vivid possibilities of what could happen.

“Bear, it’s okay” Phil said gently, when Dan woke up from another nightmare on Tuesday morning. “Nothing’s going to happen, okay?”

“But something might Phil! This happened! What if he plans something else?” Dan said, heart racing fast, unable to get the images from his dream out of his mind.

“Bear, I don’t think he planned it…I really think this was an accident,” Phil said softly, holding his hand out for Dan.

“But what if it wasn’t?” Dan said, placing his hand on top of Phil’s as he tried to hide the fear in his voice.

“I don’t think he could have possibly planned that,” Phil said, beginning to trace his fingers over the back of Dan’s hand again.

“He still might have wanted me to fall down the stairs with the opportunity,” Dan said.

“Even if he did, it doesn’t matter, because you’re okay,” Phil said gently, “well, I mean you will be.”

Dan felt his eyes beginning to flutter closed again, at Phil’s soft words and soft touch. It felt so amazing having Phil’s fingers slide over his skin like that, and suddenly Dan wasn’t thinking about Ryan, rather he was thinking about how nice it would be if Phil could do that on his arms, or his legs or his chest….Dan blushed as he tried to stop his thoughts from travelling any further. His eyes flicked up to Phil, praying he hadn’t noticed his blush, but Phil’s smile indicated otherwise.

“You’ll tell me if you want me to stop, right?” Phil asked kindly.

“No, don’t!” Dan said quickly. “It’s nice,” Dan said, trying not to blush again.

“You’re too cute,” Phil giggled, and Dan;s attempts at not blushing went out the window. ‘I can’t wait until I can cuddle you,” Phil sighed.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said.

“Don’t apologise, you silly Bear,” Phil laughed.

“I wish I could cuddle you too,” Dan said, “only 8 to 12 weeks to go.”

“Well, we can hold hands in that time, and we could probably,” Phil stopped suddenly and looked away. What was he about to say? Probably…what? Was he talking about kissing?

“What?” Dan asked, wondering if Phil was thinking what he thought he was.

“What?” Phil said, blushing.

“Never mind,” Dan said, not wanting to ask if Phil in case he wasn’t. He probably thought Dan couldn’t kiss with his injuries…but he could eat, so surely he could kiss too? Although, there was no way he could gather the courage to ask Phil.  

“Hey um, Bear, I need to tell you something,” Phil said, breaking their silence.  “You know that meeting your Dad was going to about Ryan?”

 “Oh no, I forgot, when is it?”

“He’s actually there right now,” Phil said.

“What!?” Dan said, beginning to panic. When his Dad came back from that meeting he’d know if Ryan was expelled. Should Dan be at the meeting? It would have been incredibly difficult to get there, physically, not to mention emotionally. But even so, it felt strange that everything was happening without him. That in a few hours Ryan could just be expelled and Dan would have had no part in it. 

“Bear, there’s no need to be stressed, there’s nothing you can do,” Phil said.

“But what if he’s not expelled?” Dan asked.

“Then it will be okay,” Phil said. “But honestly, this is just a formality, they can’t really keep him at the school with police involved and stuff.”

“What if they do?”

“Well, we’ll figure it out,” Phil said.

“I’m so scared,” Dan said.

“Me too,” Phil admitted, “how about we try talking about something else?”

“Like what?” Dan asked, not seeing how anything could distract him from worrying.

“You could tell me all the things you like about me,” Phil said cheekily.

“Shut up,” Dan said blushing.

“Well, your Dad might not be home for a while, so we have to think of something to talk about,” Phil said.

Phil attempted to come up with topics of conversation while they waited for his Dad to come home, but Dan could tell that even Phil was too worried to fully invest himself in another conversation. Phil remembered he had to apply more cream to Dan’s scratches, and for a few minutes Dan was completely distracted by the warm feeling of Phil's fingers on his face. But once he was finished, they were left to worry about the outcome again.

“I’m just so scared Phil,” Dan admitted after they’d been sitting in silence, hand in hand for a few minutes, “I don’t want to ever see Ryan again.”

Just thinking his name made Dan begin to feel nauseas.

“I know Bear, and I don’t think you will have to,” Phil said.

“But what if I do? Even if I don’t...I’m scared I’m going to have these nightmares forever,” Dan said, and Phil was silent for a moment.

“You won’t have them forever, it’s just everything that happened is still on your mind, you’ll be able to move past it and all these nightmares and stuff.”

“I don’t think I can,” Dan said, “I’ve been to stressed for too long, I can’t not be stressed about him. Even if he’s expelled, how I am even mean to go to anywhere, knowing that he could be there?”

Phil frowned. “I know that it seems impossible right now, but you will be able to get past this.”

“What if I can’t?”

“I know you can Bear. But you know, sometimes with things like this, you might need help-“ 

“Oh my God, I think that’s my Dad,” Dan said, hearing the familiar sound of the car coming into the driveway.

“It will be okay,” Phil said, but Dan could hear the nerves in his voice. They heard his Dad open the front door, and his footsteps towards the living room. He entered the room with an unreadable expression, and sat down in the arm chair with a huge sigh.  

“So, what happened? Is he expelled?” Dan asked quickly, unable to take the stress any longer.

“I’m afraid it’s still undecided,” his Dad said, sighing again.

“Undecided?” Dan said, wondering if he’d heard wrong. “I thought that was the whole point of the meeting?”

“Yes, well it was meant to be, but the decision has been delayed.”

Dan could feel himself panicking again. Why was it taking so long to decide? What if they didn’t expel Ryan at all?  How could Dan ever return to school next year if Ryan was going to be there?

“What happened?” Phil asked politely.

“Well, his parents came in with reasons why they couldn’t expel him yet,” his Dad sighed. “They went into great detail about how his community service program could change him as a person and he should be given another chance at the end of summer.”  
  
“He’s not going to change!” Dan said angrily.

“And it’s not going to change what he’s done all year,” his Dad said. “Which is what I kept saying, so the school have yet to decide what to do.”  
  
“But the police are involved! How can they not expel him?” Dan said. His Dad looked from Dan to Phil, and Dan wasn’t sure what was going on. Was he not meant to know about that? He couldn’t even remember who told him that.

 “Sorry,” Phil said to Dan’s Dad, “it’s hard to keep things from him.”

“Oh, don’t be, I expected you to tell him,” his Dad smiled at Phil, although Dan felt bad...he'd forgotten Phil had told him that Ryan was charged with assault without his Dad knowing. Dan didn't have anytime to dwell on it and his Dad started talking again. “But in answer to your question Dan, they were very keen to expel him until the meeting today. They don’t want their reputation to be damaged, or another incident to get out” his Dad rolled his eyes.

“Get out? Do people know about this?” Dan said.

“Well, naturally everyone in the school does,” his Dad sighed, as Dan felt himself start shaking again. What did everyone think of him? They probably thought he was a bigger loser than they already did. Even without Ryan, what if he was going to get bullied by the rest of them when he went back to school next year? “The local paper also mentioned you-”

“WHAT?! They can’t do that!” Dan said. He didn’t need the whole town knowing about this.

“Well, not by name, it was more about the school than you,” his Dad said quickly. “Which is good, as the school is keen for this incident not to be repeated, so their name isn’t dragged through the mud again,” his Dad said.

“But that shouldn't be the reason, they should care that you’re injured” Phil said sadly to Dan, and no one spoke.

“So, when will they decide by?” Phil asked breaking the silence.

“I don’t know Phil. Soon hopefully. I mean, they said that they would give Ryan the chance to change, if this is an isolated incident of bullying,”

“Well it’s not,” Dan said angrily.

“Right, which is also what I kept saying, and I think they believe that, I mean the kid admitted that-“ Dan’s Dad stopped talking suddenly.

“Admitted what?” Dan asked, feeling himself begin to sweat.

“Oh,” his Dad looked away suddenly.

Dan felt his heart stop, fearing what his Dad was about to say. He could feel knots in his stomach, and he tried to stop himself from shaking. 

“Well…the reason that he was able to get charged so quickly. After the incident,”

Dan was beginning to feel dizzy, worrying that his Dad was going to reveal exactly what Dan had been so worried about. Because if it was true...then what was to stop Ryan trying to hurt him like that again?

“After you fell, someone asked Ryan if he meant for you to fall,”  
  
He knew what was coming. How could he ever manage to leave the house again? He was having trouble sitting up straight. Had Ryan meant for him to fall? His vision was beginning to cloud over. 

“And he said he did.”

It was too much and Dan blacked out.

 

“Bear, can you hear me?” Phil said. Dan felt a hand touch his. What happened? Had he passed out? “Dan?”

Dan opened his eyes to see his Dad crouched on the floor, and Phil beside him, both wearing terrified expressions.

“What happened?” Dan asked, feeling dizzy.

“We think you fainted,” Phil said gently. Fainted? Why had he fainted? He remembered being stressed...but what about? Then suddenly he remembered and the panic set through his body again.

“He wanted me to fall!” Dan gasped. What if Ryan would try hurt him like that again? He felt like his throat was closing in. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

 “Bear, are you feeling okay?” Phil asked.

“No,” Dan said, suddenly aware of how rapid his breathing had become and how light-headed he felt. He felt trapped, he felt like the room was closing in on him.

“I’ll just make a call,” his Dad said, racing out of the room.

“How about we do some breathing together?” Phil said, although his voice sounded like it was coming from miles away. “Let’s just slowly breath in, and now out. And now in, and now out. In, and out.”

Phil continued to tell Dan when to breathe, and he slowly felt less trapped, less panicked and no longer felt dizzy. How did Phil know just what to say?

“I just spoke to one of the doctors from the hospital,” his Dad said, re-entering the room. “They’re not worried-“

“Great!” Phil smiled.

“But, they want you to come in for a quick test just in case,” his Dad added.

“At the hospital?” Dan said, feeling his heart beat faster. The hospital? Did that mean something was wrong with him?

“You don’t have to worry,” his Dad said quickly, “but we should get going soon.”  
  
“Should I come?” Phil asked. They were still holding hands, and Dan wasn’t sure if it was his or Phil’s hand shaking more.

“Please come,” Dan whispered. He couldn’t do this without him.

“Yeah, it would help if you could, we might have a bit of a wait” his Dad said.

They had to wait for hours to see a doctor. The longer they waited, the more his Dad reminded him that it was good they had to wait so long, since it meant the doctors weren’t worried, which meant that Dan didn’t need to worry either. However, Dan couldn’t help but worry. He still felt slightly nauseas after fainting, and his anxious thoughts were only making him feel worse. What if there was something wrong with him? He’d probably only fainted from stress, but he’d never fainted before, what if this was part of his concussion? What if it was getting worse?

Thoughts of Ryan still kept entering his brain. He had no idea how he could ever cope if he had to see him again. He wasn’t even sure how he’d be able to return to school even if he wasn’t there. All his bad memories were making him more stressed now than he’d even felt at the time, and thinking about the accident made Dan want to throw up.

Everytime Dan got lost in thought, Phil would pull him out with a funny joke or animal related fact. How was Phil so calm? Dan supposed if Phil wasn’t worried, he shouldn’t be worried either. However, even though Phil helped him to feel calmer, with all his worries he still found it hard to laugh at Phil’s jokes like normal.

After hours of waiting, a doctor finally called Dan’s name.

“You’ll be fine,” Phil smiled, as his Dad began to lead Dan out of the waiting room.

At first, the doctor asked him the same questions and performed the same tests as they had from his previous time at the hospital. Dan thought they were finished, but she seemed to only just be getting started, asking him pages and pages of questions about his emotional state since the accident, which Dan found rather difficult to answer. His Dad ended up doing a lot of the talking, explaining about Dan’s nightmares, and the whole time Dan just felt like crying.

“And thinking about it, and talking about it seems quite hard, is that correct?” She asked Dan kindly.

“Um,” He looked up at his Dad, and his Dad smiled kindly at him. Dan tried to explain how it made him feel physically ill, the shaking, the knots in his stomach and wanting to throw up. But then he realised she might think that was to do with his concussion, so he tried to explain that it had all been happening since before the accident as well.

“I understand,” she smiled kindly, but Dan wasn’t sure that she did. He didn’t think he’d explained himself very well, how could he explain that his own thoughts could make him feel physically ill? He didn’t even understand it himself.

“Well, your concussion is healing very well. On another note,” she said more seriously. “After an accident like this, it isn’t uncommon for patients to see a psychologist or therapist of some kind, as these events can be quite traumatic. And, based on everything you’ve told me, I’d highly recommend Dan see one. I think talking with a professional about everything could help you come up with some coping strategies, and help your mind recover from this, as well as managing your anxiety in general.”

The thought of seeing a psychologist was enough for him to start shaking and wanting to throw up again. He couldn’t talk to a stranger about everything that had happened, and how would that even help? It would just make him cry to have to tell the whole story again. Then he’d have to explain about how Phil was his boyfriend, but he was from the internet, and they would probably just judge him. He didn’t like the sound of it. He didn’t want to.

His Dad wheeled him back out to the waiting room, where Phil was waiting with a smile.

“What did they say?” Phil asked.

“Um, yeah, concussions fine,” Dan said, but he didn’t mention the psychologist.

“That’s great Bear,” Phil smiled, “but are you okay?” he whispered.

“Um,” Dan said, but his Dad returned before Dan had a chance to say anything else.

They drove home in silence. Phil kept smiling at him, but Dan could barely smile back. Once they got home, Phil said he needed to use the bathroom, although Dan suspected he wanted to give Dan some time with his Dad.

“What are you thinking, Dan? About the psychologist?” His Dad asked him, as he helped him out of his wheelchair and onto the couch again.

“I don’t want to,” Dan said, trying not to cry.

“I see” he sighed. “Well you don’t have to decide yet.”

“I've already decided,” Dan said.

“Can I ask why you don’t want to?” He said.

“Because I can’t talk about it and they’ll judge me and think I’m crazy and I don’t want to,” Dan huffed. He couldn’t really explain why he didn’t want to. He knew in his heart it would probably help, but it just seemed so hard. He’d have to re-live the entire year, and he just wasn’t sure how to explain it all. What if the psychologist was mean?

“Dan, this is a professional. They’re not going to judge you or think you’re crazy, they’re there to help,” he said.

“I don’t need help,” Dan said quickly, although he wasn't really sure, did he need help?

“Wouldn’t it help if your nightmares went away?”

“Maybe they’ll go away on their own,” Dan said, but he didn’t really believe it.

“Well, you don’t have to go, but I’d like you to think about it a bit more, okay?” his Dad said.

“Okay,” Dan said, but his mind was already made up. Phil returned from the bathroom, and his Dad left, saying he needed a rest.

“Hey,” Phil said, sitting down on the couch and sliding his hand into Dan’s. Dan wasn’t sure what to say.

“What’s wrong Bear?” Phil asked. Dan looked over to see Phil’s eyes wide with worry.

“They want me to see a psychologist,” Dan said, “but I don’t want to.”

“Oh Bear,” Phil smiled. “There’s nothing wrong with seeing a psychologist, you know that right?”

“But I don’t want to,” Dan said again.

“But they could help you Bear,” Phil smiled. “Remember how earlier you were telling me how you couldn’t stop worrying? And how you didn’t think you could move past this? Well this psychologist could help you, and with your nightmares too,” Phil said gently.

“But I shouldn’t have to see a psychologist,” Dan said trying not to cry. “I should be able to deal with this myself.”

“Bear, no that’s not what it’s about,” Phil sighed. “Listen, you know how you’ve got all these casts and things? You’re taking medication to help your pain, to help your body heal, we’re putting on cream to help your cuts heal,  but your mind needs some help too,” Phil said softly. “this would just be like treating your mind.”

“I guess,” Dan sighed, “but I still don’t like the idea.”

“I used see a psychologist a lot,” Phil said suddenly.

“Really?” Dan asked, surprised.

“Yeah, when I told my parents what happened when I was bullied….” Phil paused. “I saw one every week in my first year of uni. I actually…I still go occasionally. About once a month last year, once every few months this year.” Phil nodded.

“I had no idea,” Dan said, feeling bad he’d never realised.

“I’m sorry I never told you before,” Phil said sadly. “It wasn’t something I was keeping from you, it’s just all about when I was bullied, and I was going to tell you when I finally told you about what happened,” Phil sighed.

“Phil, you really don’t have to tell me if it’s too hard to talk about-“ Dan began to say but Phil cut him off.

“I want to Bear, but not just yet, “ Phil said and Dan nodded. He felt awful thinking about how hard it must have been for Phil. He didn’t know any details, but Phil had obviously struggled more than Dan had realised. He wished he could comfort Phil, but he had no idea what to say.

“Thankyou for telling me Phil,” Dan said.

“Oh, that’s okay,” Phil smiled. “Anyway, I um, found seeing a psychologist really helpful, I know that doesn’t guarantee it will help you, but um it might.”

“But I’m just scared of talking about everything,” Dan admitted.

“I know it’s really scary,” Phil nodded. “But in the long run it can help. It helped me a lot.”

“Maybe I’ll try,” Dan said. If Phil found it helpful…well maybe he should at least try going to one appointment.

“I think it’s a good idea,” Phil smiled. “Especially with those nightmares Bear,” Phil said sadly. “They seem so awful, and wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have them?”  
  
“Yeah,” Dan admitted. “I guess it would be nice not to feel so sick with fear all the time.”  
  
“Exactly!” Phil smiled

“Well I guess I should tell my Dad to make an appointment,” Dan said.

“Bear, I’m so proud of you,” Phil said. "It took my parents months to convince me, then I wished I’d gone earlier.”

“Well, I guess I had a boyfriend to convince me,” Dan said. “But I’m still really scared…what are they going to ask me?”  
  
“I can help you prepare!” Phil said. “I mean, only if you want me to.”

“Phil…that would be...I would love you to,” Dan said, feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude to Phil.

“Yay!” Phil laughed. “Well, we can put together lots of lists, and it will be great! You’ll be so prepared!”

“Okay,” Dan said, smiling for the first time. But then suddenly, out of nowhere another set of worries hit him.

“Oh no, what’s my Mum going to think? She’s going to think I’m-“

“Don’t worry about her,” Phil interrupted.

“But Phil I do have to worry about her, I haven’t told you yet…she…she,” Dan began to say. How could he explain that his Mum wasn’t he because she hated that he liked boys?

“Bear,” Phil said in a soft voice. “you know I want to hear, I really want to hear. But, it’s been a stressful day, and you’re a little vulnerable right now, I don’t want you to faint again,” Phil said gently.

“Yeah...I guess,” Dan said, smiling as Phil started tracing the back of his hand. “Can I talk about her tomorrow?”  

“That’s sounds good.” Phil said. “Try not to worry about anything today.”  
  
“But I am worried. I’m worried about Ryan, and school and what everyone thinks, I’m worried about my dreams and I still can’t remember the accident well, or the hospital or what happened after Mum insulted you, and what I said-“

“I said try _not_ to worry,” Phil said.

“But I can’t,” Dan said.

“I know Bear, that’s why I’m really happy your going to try with this psychologist,” Phil smiled warmly.

“I guess,” Dan sighed. Maybe it would be helpful if he learnt to control his worries a bit more. His thoughts had a tendency of spiralling out of control.

“Bear, I promise this will get better,” Phil said seriously. “It will all be okay.”

Dan couldn't help but smile. Phil just had a way of making it really feel like everything would be okay. 


	26. Chapter 26

“I changed my mind,” Dan told his Dad in the early hours of the following morning. He’d woken up from another awful nightmare, and was having trouble getting back to sleep when he realised he hadn’t told his Dad about his decision.

“About the psychologist?” his Dad asked, flicking the lamp on.

“Yeah,” Dan said. “Phil sort of convinced me.”

“Of course he did,” he laughed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing Dan,” his Dad laughed again. “Just that you seem to value what Phil says a lot.”

“Oh, well yeah,” Dan said.

“Just, thank God Phil is a such good person,” his Dad said, burying his face in his hands for a moment.

“Well, yeah, that’s why,” _I love him so much,_ Dan thought, but he wasn’t going to voice that thought to his Dad. 

“Well, anyway,” his Dad said, seeing Dan wasn’t going to continue his sentence. “I’m glad you’ve changed your mind, I am worried about you Dan,” he sighed. “I just want everything to be easier for you, and I think this will really help.”

“I guess so,” Dan said. He hoped it would help, but he still wasn’t sure it would.

“And in the meantime, we should just work out a better way to talk about everything,” his Dad said.

“Yeah, maybe.”

“I’m really sorry about you fainting, Dan,” his Dad sighed. “I told you too much at once.”

“It’s okay.”

“We’re just going to have to take things really slowly from now on.”

“Okay.”

“I won’t overwhelm you again.”

“It wasn’t your fault Dad. I just like, got lost in my mind…I don’t know what happened.”

“Don’t be hard on yourself, you’ve been though a lot. Let’s just try and make this as easy as we can, okay?”

“Okay.’

“So, I think, I’ll try not to mention anything that might be stressful unexpectedly. You’re welcome to ask, but we’ll only talk about it if you’re feeling okay. Then, if you are, we’ll have lots of breaks so you don’t get too overwhelmed,” his Dad said.

“That sounds good,” Dan said.

“Plus can make sure Phil is here, because he seems to be able to help you with your breathing.”

“Yeah, he’s good at that,” Dan said.

“And I’ll be much more careful with how I tell you things, I promise,’ His Dad said.

“Thanks Dad, you’re being really good about this,’ Dan said, knowing that most people wouldn’t be quite so understanding.

“Oh hardly, I’m just taking care of my son,” he said.

“But thank you,” Dan said, knowing he couldn’t get through this without his Dad.

“Your welcome, Dan.”

 

Each morning when Dan woke up it took him nearly a whole hour to eat breakfast (or have Phil feed it to him), take his medication, have his Dad help him in the bathroom (which was still just as mortifying), get seated back on the couch, and have Phil apply the cream to his cuts. By the time he’d done all that he was so tired he usually fell straight back to sleep, which was no different on Wednesday morning.

When he woke again, it was late morning, and Phil was seated with his laptop open, peering over his textbook and making notes.

“Hey Phil,” Dan said.

“Oh my gosh you’re awake!” Phil smiled, shutting his laptop quickly and putting it on the floor. “Hey! No nightmare this time!”  
  
“Well I had a lot last night,” Dan sighed, telling Phil about his traumatic night of dreams.

“Oh Bear,” Phil sighed, sitting down next to him on the couch and sliding his hand into Dan’s. “But you got through it," Phil smiled warmly at him, "Even though it’s scary you’re okay.”

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Dan said, smiling as he felt Phil’s warm, soft hand in his.

“Well, your Dad told me that you told him about seeing the psychologist,” Phil said.  
  
“Oh yeah I did, did he make an appointment?” Dan asked.  
  
“Yeah, he did. She’ll be coming here on next Thursday night,” Phil smiled.

“Oh I thought I’d have to go somewhere,” Dan said, his vision rapidly changing of what the appointment was going to be like.  
  
“Well, usually, but in your case they organised a home visit,” Phil smiled. “We could start preparing stuff before I go, so you’ll be all ready, if you want to, that is,” Phil said.

“Oh, yeah I do, maybe not today though,” Dan sighed. “I just…don’t really want to think about it just yet."   
  
“Of course, well there’s tomorrow and Friday,” Phil said.

“What about Saturday?” Dan said, had he remembered the day Phil was leaving wrong? He had thought Phil was leaving on Sunday…

“Um, Bear,” Phil said.  “I was um, wondering if you maybe, wanted to like, have a date on Saturday?”  
  
Dan’s heart flopped over. A date? A real date? Even with Phil next to him all this time, the possibility of having a real date hadn’t crossed his mind. But now his heart was racing, thinking of how amazing their skype dates had been and how incredible it would be that they could actually touch….

“Only if you feel up to it,” Phil added. “Obviously I’d make it so like you wouldn’t have to move or anything but I figured if we could dates over skype we could figure out a date with you all bandaged,“ Phil smiled.

“A real date?” Dan said suddenly, his mouth finally catching up with his thoughts.

“I understand if you don’t want to at the moment with everything” Phil said, looking away again. Dan could feel Phil’s hand was slightly shaking and his lips were pressed in a straight line. How could Phil think he wouldn't want to?

“Of course I want to!” Dan said.

“Oh! Great,” Phil said, a relieved grin breaking out on his face. “For a second I thought you were going to say no.”

“Phil, of course I want to go on a date with you!” Dan said. “But like, what about, like I usually fall asleep every other hour,” Dan said, wondering how they could have a date if he kept falling asleep.

“I already thought about it.” Phil smiled, “I was already thinking, I could plan it in small stages and then,” Phil stopped suddenly. “Wait, are you sure Saturday is okay?”

 “Why wouldn’t it be?” Dan asked.  
  
“I wasn’t sure, you might have plans or something,” Phil said quietly.

“Phil, my plan is to literally sit on this couch,” Dan said, then added, “for the next 8 to 12 weeks.”  

“Yeah, but since it’s _this_ Saturday,” Phil said looking at Dan with wide eyes, “like I don’t know what you usually do.”

“Usually do? I always spent Saturday talking to you,” Dan said, confused why Phil thought this Saturday would be any different.

“Wait…you haven’t realised why this Saturday is different?” Phil asked.

“Uh…” Dan said, confused. 

“This Saturday is your Birthday,” Phil said.

“My Birthday?” Dan exclaimed. His birthday? He’d completely forgotten it was so close. Then he realised, Phil was going to be here on his birthday. _They were going on a date on his birthday._ “We’re going our first real life date…on my birthday?”

“We don’t have to!” Phil said quickly. “I thought maybe it would be nice but if you don’t want to-“

“Phil that would be like, that would be-“ _the best thing in the world_ he thought, but somehow he couldn’t quite get the words out. He couldn’t quite believe what was happening. A date. With Phil. On his Birthday.

“Don’t feel pressured,” Phil said quickly. “I should have made sure you knew it was your birthday before I asked you. If you’d rather not-“

“Phil! I really-” Dan said, beginning to say that he wanted to.

“I won’t feel offended!” Phil interrupted. “I can tell you’re sort of hesitant and you’re in so much pain and, I shouldn’t have asked, you’ve been through so much-"  
  
“Phil stop, I’m not hesitant, I really want to go on the date, I just can’t quite believe it,” Dan blushed. “And you know, just nervous to be going on like, a real date with you.”

“Aww, Bear, it’s just me,” Phil smiled. _Exactly_. It was just the boy who made his heart flutter with a single glance.

“Wait, so that’s a yes right?” Phil asked nervously.

“Yes, of course,” Dan laughed. How could Phil have thought he’d say no? “Phil, I’m actually excited for the first time since, you know," Dan sighed.

“Oh! Well, yay!” Phil smiled.

“Oh, but don’t get me a present or anything,” Dan said quickly.

“What, why not?” Phil pouted.

“Because Phil, you would have spent so much on train tickets to get here and back to uni for your exams, and then you’re coming back after your exams, you’ve really spent enough on me, not to mention the time-“  
  
“Bear, that’s irrelevant!” Phil said.

“No it’s not, you’ve probably spent all your savings already-“

“Well, I haven’t, but even if I had to I would! Of course I’m going to be here when you need me, but that has nothing to do with me buying you a birthday present.”  
  
“Phil, please don’t get me anything, you’ve spent enough on me.”

“Too late I already bought you stuff,” Phil shrugged.

“But I feel so bad,” Dan sighed.

“But I want you to feel happy, that’s why I bought you the presents,” Phil insisted.

“You’re too nice to me Phil,” Dan sighed, wishing he could do as much for Phil as Phil had done for him.

“Well seeing you happy makes me happy, so maybe I’m just selfish,” Phil said.

“Oh,” Dan blushed. “I like it when you’re happy too.”

“Great! Then you can make me happy by accepting my presents,”

“You dork,” Dan laughed, “But thanks for the presents, seriously.”  
  
“Well I haven’t given them to you yet, you might hate them,’ Phil teased.

“Why is Saturday so far away?” Dan complained, wishing they could start their date. Not that he had any idea what it would involve, but it was Phil, so whatever it was would be incredible.

“It’s not that far away,” Phil frowned, “I don’t know how I’ll get everything ready in time.”

“Phil, you don’t have to do anything big, I don’t mind if it’s small-“ Dan began to say but Phil interrupted him.  
  
“It’s my boyfriends birthday and our first real life date, do you really think this is going to be a small thing?”

“Uh, well, I’m guessing no…” Dan said, beginning to wonder what Phil had in mind for this date.

“Of course it won’t be small, I mean, it won’t be so big it will overwhelm you,” Phil smiled. “But anyway, don’t stress about the planning, I have it under control.”

“I feel bad you always plan the dates,” Dan sighed, “I should be planning dates too.”

“Well we’ll have many more dates to come,” Phil smiled, “but for now, I’m planning, okay?”  
  
“Any hints?” Dan asked.

“Nope, all surprises,” Phil smiled.

“How many surprises?”

“Loads,” Phil laughed.

“Does my Dad know about all this?” Dan asked.

“He knew I was going to ask you,” Phil said.

“Then he knows it’s happening,” Dan said, knowing that his Dad would expect him to say yes.

“Well I’m sort of hoping he will agree on everything, because I kind of need his help.”

“Phil, oh my god, what is this date going to involve?” Dan said.

“You’ll see!” Phil said gleefully.

“I want to know now, I wish it was Saturday already,” Dan said. “Oh wait, no I don’t, then you’d be leaving tomorrow.” Dan frowned, sadness seeping into his heart at the thought of Phil leaving.

“We don’t have to think about that part,” Phil said, tracing the back of Dan’s hand again.

“I know you said you’d come back, but you don’t have to Phil,” Dan said seriously. Dan felt so bad, at this rate Phil would be spending he whole summer stuck on the couch with Dan. 

“Of course I’m coming back!” Phil exclaimed.

“But what about your family?” Dan said, knowing Phil would otherwise be spending the summer with his family. “Don’t you want to like, have fun over summer?”

“Well firstly it will be a fun summer since I’ll be with you Bear,” Phil smiled. “Secondly, don’t worry about my family, I’ll see them soon enough.”  
  
“But they probably miss you,” Dan said.

“But you need me,” Phil said, “and I’d rather be with you anyway.”

“Oh,” Dan blushed. “But won’t your parents me annoyed at me for stealing you away?”  
  
Phil laughed. “No! Not at all, it’s rather the opposite. My Mum was all like, _you better be there for that boy as long as he needs you_.”

“Oh wow,” Dan laughed.

“You should hear the way she talks about you honestly,’ Phil shook his head in disbelief. “She’s always going on about how special you are, and how lucky I am to have you”

“But she doesn’t even know me!”  
  
“I know I can’t even imagine what will happen when she actually meets you,” Phil laughed, “and actually sees just how special you are.”  
  
Dan felt himself blush again.

“Right now she only knows what I’ve told her, which doesn’t do you justice at all. Like I can’t capture the way you talk when you’re passionate about something, or how funny your jokes are or-”  
  
“Stop it,” Dan said, blushing harder.

“Why so you stop blushing?” Phil giggled. “You seem to forget I like it when you blush, you just look so cute-“

“Phil!” Dan said, wishing his face didn’t go so red.

Phil smiled, and Dan could see his eyes flicking all over Dan’s face. Dan hated that he still had cuts all over his face, but Phil didn’t seem to mind. Although now Phil’s eyes seemed to be resting on his lips…Dan’s heart fluttered. Was he thinking about kissing? Dan’s eyes looked at Phil’s lips for a few moments, wondering how they’d feel against his own, then realised that Phil was still staring at him. What if Phil wasn’t thinking about kissing? What if he now thought Dan was?

“How much have you told your parents about me anyway?” Dan asked before Phil could ask anything about kissing.

“Errr,” Phil said, looking away from Dan. “Well the thing is when they ask about you…it’s sort of hard for me to stop talking about you,” Phil said sheepishly.

“Phil!”

“What! I can’t help it!”

“Now I’m worried your parents are going to be expecting some freaking angel when they meet me, and they’re going to be very disappointed,” Dan sighed.

“Don’t be silly Bear,” Phil laughed.

“What do you call me to them anyway?” Dan asked, wondering if Phil had become so used to calling him Bear that he called him that to other people as well.

“What?” Phil laughed.

“Do they think my name is Bear?” Dan asked.

“Oh,” Phil looked away, his face falling, “um, no, they know your name is…is Dan.”

There was an awkward silence, where Phil looked at his lap, his lips bunching up tight as if he was about to cry.

“Phil, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” Dan said, not knowing what he didn’t mean, just not wanting to see Phil so sad. Dan couldn’t work out what had upset him so much. “I…you know I love it that you call me Bear, right?”  
  
Phil gave a small smile, but didn’t look up or say anything.

“I wouldn’t mind if you called me that to your parents, I was joking really,” Dan said, really unsure still why Phil seemed so upset.

“Oh B-“ Phil began to say but stopped himself. “I was just thinking about something, nothing to do with what you said sorry. Just got a bit distracted by my own brain,” Phil said, smiling again, although his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Well, um,” Dan said awkwardly. What had just happened? “I’m um, glad your parents aren’t mad that you’re here.”  
  
“Course not,” Phil said, his normal smile still hadn’t quite come back. Dan couldn’t work out what was wrong. Had it been the Bear thing? Was it something else?

“Phil what’s wrong?” Dan asked.  
  
“What? Nothing,” Phil said quickly.

“Are you sure?” Dan asked again.

“Yep,” Phil nodded quickly.

“Do you miss your parents?” Dan asked, wondering if all the talk about his parents had made him feel homesick.

“A little bit,” Phil nodded. Perhaps Phil just had a moment of home sickness, but Dan still felt guilty, like he’d upset Phil.  
  
“Phil you know, like over summer you can go visit them, or go back at any time if you get bored of me,” Dan said.

“Oh trust me, I won’t be bored,” Phil laughed, sounding like himself again, “I’ve already thought of things we could do as you get better over the summer.”  
  
“Oh, okay,” Dan smiled, realising that at a point his sprains would heal, and he’d be able to stay awake longer. “But if you change your mind-“

“I’ll tell you, okay?” Phil smiled brightly.

“Do you need to have a rest?” Phil said, perhaps noticing the way Dan was suddenly fighting to keep his eyelids from drooping.

“Sorry,” Dan sighed, hating how he always fell asleep in the middle of them talking. “I want to keep talking but,” Dan yawned. “Sorry to always sleep while you’re here-“

“Don’t be, I can do some studying.” Phil said gently. “Then we can talk some more when you wake up, okay?”

“I don’t want to have nightmares though,” Dan said quietly, beginning to feel himself panic just thinking about how panicked he would when the nightmares hit.

“I know,” Phil said sadly. “But I’ll be right here.”  
  
“Thanks,” Dan smiled, closing his eyes.

 

_Stairs. Ryan. Too many people. Stairs. His Mum. Ryan’s angry. Ryan was punching him. The stairs didn’t end. His Mum said he deserved this. Did he deserve it? Phil was there. His Mum was home and Phil was there. Ryan was there. Ryan was going to hurt Phil! Ryan Phil Ryan. He had to tell Phil-_

“Bear, wake up, I’m okay, I’m really okay,” Phil said urgently, and Dan felt himself being pulled out of his nightmares, once again panting, sweating and shaking.

“Phil!” Dan gasped, seeing Phil sitting next to him.

“I’m okay, and you are too,” Phil said softly.  

“Right,” Dan said, still feeling an alarming sense of panic and confusion. “Is my Mum here?”

“Um, no, she’s not,” Phil said slowly.

“Oh, oh okay,” Dan said, still panting.

“It’s just me and you, and your Dad’s around somewhere,” Phil said. “We’re all safe, and everything is fine.”  
  
“Okay,” Dan said, his brain slowly catching up with reality. “Right, Mum’s not here because she hates me.”

Phil held out his hand, which Dan embraced, and started tracing circles on the back of it while Dan caught his breath.  

“Did you want to talk about your Mum at all?” Phil asked tentatively, after a few minutes of silence.

“She hates me Phil,” Dan said trying not to cry, as he explained to Phil what his Dad had told him. “She doesn’t want me to have a boyfriend so she’s not here,” Dan said. “I don’t want her here but that’s not the point.”  
  
“Oh Bear,” Phil said, stroking the back of Dan’s hand. “I don’t know if she hates you, but that’s awful, and… just, she’s, I’m just….you know this doesn’t mean anything in terms of you? It doesn’t matter who you like, well I mean _I’m_ glad you like me,” Phil gave a small smile. “But to her or anyone else it shouldn’t matter,” Phil sighed. “Oh Bear, you deserve be accepted as you are, especially since your so beautiful the way you are,” Phil said. “I don’t really understand why a parent would act this way, it’s very unfair to you, I’m sorry I wish I could say something to make it better.”  
  
“You do make it better, Phil,” Dan said.

“Just remember that, I know she’s your Mum so this is a big deal…but it also doesn’t really matter what she thinks, if you’re happy,” Phil sighed. “Maybe she’ll see sense at some point.”

“I’m not sure that she will,” Dan said.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t more careful,” Phil said.

“It’s not your fault! We had no idea she’d walk in, and even so, you know she didn’t need to move out because of it.”

“Bear, I want to hug you so bad right now,” Phil pouted.

“I wish I could hug you too, it makes me sad that she upset you too,” Dan said.

“I’m not upset, so I don’t want you to be.”

“But you were so upset at the hospital!”

“We fixed this, remember?”

“Actually, I really don’t,” Dan sighed. “I have no idea what I said, I just remember a lot of crying.”

“Well you were really very lovely,” Phil smiled, eyes seeming to light up at the memory. What had he said to make Phil look like that?

“Oh no, what did I say?” Dan asked. Had he told Phil more things he liked about him?

“You said a lot of things,’ Phil said and then blushed. _Phil was blushing._ Why was Phil blushing? Phil barely ever blushed. With all Dan’s compliments at the hospital, he hardly blushed, so why was he blushing now?

“Oh no,” Dan said, frantically trying to remember what he’d said. He could hardly even remember the context of the tears.

“Nothing to be worried about,” Phil said cheekily, still blushing.

“Then why are _you_ blushing?” Dan asked and Phil just giggled. “Phil! Tell me!”

 “There’s nothing to tell really,’ Phil shrugged. Why was Phil going to so much effort to hide it?

“What did I say?” Dan begged, but Phil just laughed.

“Phillip Lester,” Dan said.

 “I’m scared,” Phil pouted.

“Well I’m scared too! What did I say to make you go like this?”

“Like what?” Phil asked, tilting his head to the side, and making Dan’s heart flutter again.

“All blushy and stuff!” Dan said, trying not to blush himself.

“Blushy?” Phil giggled. “You’re the blushy one,” he said, lightly poking each of Dan’s cheeks.  

“Hey!” Dan said blushing.

“See, aww how cute,” Phil teased.

“Phil! I’m serious! Tell me what I said,” Dan said, trying not to blush harder. 

“Nothing inappropriate, relax,” Phil laughed.

“Then tell me, before I freaking faint or something!”

“Don’t say that!” Phil said looking worried. “All you said, like you were just reminding me that nothing was my fault, and you told me that even though they used my name to bully you, all the bullying and everything was still worth it to be with me.”

“Oh, well…that’s true,” Dan said. He wouldn’t have been able to say that so easily normally…but that wasn’t so embarrassing. Why hadn’t Phil just said that in the first place?  Was there something else?

“See, nothing worrying,” Phil smiled. “I promise you don’t need to stress! If you’d said anything worth worrying, I would tell you, but you didn’t!”

“So that was all I said?” Dan said, wanting to confirm that had been it, but Phil shrugged. “Phil!”

“Bear!” Phil copied.

“Stop avoiding the question,” Dan said. He must have said something out of the ordinary for Phil to be acting this way. He already felt embarrassed even though he didn’t even know what he’d said. “I feel so embarrassed right now, what did I say?

 “You said loads of things,” Phil blushed.

“Why are you blushing again?” Dan asked.

“Just…just because,” Phil smiled, tracing patterns on the back of Dan’s hand and avoiding eye contact.

“Are you ever going to tell me what I said to make you blush so hard?” Dan asked, feeling like Phil was wanting to keep it as his own little secret for as long as possible.

“One day,” Phil said.

“When?” Dan asked.

“When we’re ready,” Phil smiled, looking up at him.

“Ready for what?”

“You’ll see.”

“What if I remember first?” Dan asked.

“Then you’re gonna be blushing a lot harder than me,” Phil giggled.

“Tell me!” Dan insisted.

“No, I’m saving it!”

“For when?”

“For when the time is right!”

“Well that time is now,” Dan said.

“No!” Phil giggled. “You’ll be too embarrassed.”

“I’M ALREADY EMBARRASED.”

“Bear, keep your voice down, or your Dad’s gonna come hear us flirting, then you’ll really be embarrassed.”

“I’m not flirting!” Dan blushed. “Just tell me!”

“You’re so funny like this,” Phil giggled.

“What? When I’m infuriated with you?”

“Yeah, those dimples just scream infuriated,” Phil said. Dan tried to scowl but just found himself smiling instead. Phil looked so pleased with himself for keeping whatever it was from him…Dan just couldn’t help but smile.  

“Well,” Dan stuttered, no idea what to say next, instead he found his own eyes resting on Phil’s lips. His lips looked so soft, Dan just wished he could lean in and kiss them. He glanced up at Phil’s eyes and blushed when he realised Phil’s eyes were resting on his own lips. Could they just kiss right now? Surely, there wasn’t really anything stopping them from a quick kiss? Except, for the fact Dan couldn’t easily lean into Phil. He could ask Phil, and Phil would probably say yes, but Dan’s heart fluttered way to fast to get the words out. If he didn’t ask, Phil probably wouldn’t make a move while he was still injured, but he didn’t want to have to wait all summer to kiss him. Dan looked back up at Phil’s eyes, to find them staring into his.   

“Do you want to ask me something?” He asked gently.

“No, nothing,” Dan said, quickly, blushing. Why had he let his nerves get the better of him? He could be kissing Phil right now!

“Well, let me know if you want to,” Phil said then blushed. “I mean,” he added “like ask to, I mean, ask what you were going to say, I mean say what you wanted to ask, I mean,” Phil kept stumbling over his words then let out a big sigh. “If you want to, just ask ” he said awkwardly.

Phil had to be talking about kissing, didn’t he? But what if he wasn’t? Dan couldn’t bring it up, in case Phil was talking about something else. Dan tried to get the words out, but they got stuck in his throat. He knew Phil wouldn’t kiss him without him indicating that he wanted to, but he couldn’t indicate that he wanted to in case Phil didn’t want to kiss him yet. Dan sighed. He didn’t know what to do. All he knew was that he really wanted to kiss Phil.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this more relaxed chapter :D  
> Next one might be a bit stressful, so get prepared :)


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited about this chapter, I hope you like it!   
> (also I changed the order of a few things, so this one isn't the stressful one)

Dan found himself strangely lost for words over the next couple of days. As if his mind couldn’t move past the two thoughts of wanting Phil to kiss him, and wondering what on earth he’d said to Phil that night in the hospital. As well as this, Dan suddenly found he simply couldn’t keep his eyes off Phil, and Phil returned his stares with equal concentration. They seemed to spend hours just staring at each other in silence, and Dan couldn’t tell if Phil was just enjoying looking at him (which of course made him blush every time he wondered it) or whether he was waiting for a signal to lean in and kiss Dan. There were so many moments where Dan went to ask, but stopped in the fear that he was completely misreading the situation, and Phil wouldn’t want to kiss him.

Their silences weren’t awkward in the slightest. It felt like there was so much happening between them that Dan didn’t even notice it was silent, until the times where Phil asked if Dan was okay. Dan would quickly tell Phil he was fine, and then they would fall back into silence.  

At times, Dan tried to replay their time in the hospital again, but all he could remember was crying. He looked into Phil’s eyes, almost as if trying to extract the memory from Phil himself, but kept drawing a blank. Phil had said Dan reassured him that it wasn’t his fault…but what else could have Dan possibly said? He just remembered being so sad that Phil was crying, and in his mind, just begging Phil to know how much he loved him...had he confessed that though? Maybe he had. Maybe with all the medication, he’d shared his deepest feelings, perhaps that was why Phil was so touched?

“Um, Phil?” Dan asked, after another long silence of staring into each other’s eyes.

“Yeah?” Phil said, sitting up straighter.

“Um, at the hospital,” Dan began, and saw Phil sink lower into the couch at his words. “Did I um…was I telling you, did I say things I hadn’t said before or something?”   
  
“Bear,” Phil smiled, “I told you earlier, I’ll tell you when we’re ready,”

“So I did!” Dan said.

“Well…yes you said some things you hadn’t said before,” Phil said, looking away suddenly. 

What had he said? The things he’d said had come from his own mind, so he must have thought them before, which meant he could easily think them again. What would he say to Phil though?

“Wait, so were they things about my feelings about you?” Dan asked.

“I’m not saying!”

“Well since you’re not telling me I know they must be,” Dan smiled and Phil pouted. “Ha, I’m going to figure this out in no time,” Dan said. What would he say about Phil that he hadn’t said before? He told Phil he loved him everyday, so it must be more than that. Had he admitted he liked Phil before they even started talking? But Phil already knew that...

“Bear, I’m not sure this is a good idea,” Phil said apprehensively.

“Shh, I’m thinking,” Dan said, trying to hold on to his thread of thoughts.

“I know, that’s what I’m worried about,” Phil sighed. “Just if somehow you do remember, don’t explode from embarrassment.”

Explode from embarrassment? Fuck, he must have said something big, had he said something inappropriate?

“I didn’t say anything about,” Dan blushed, he couldn’t say the word. “About like doing it-“  

“Oh no,” Phil said quickly, shaking his head. “Not like that, no,” Phil blushed.

What else had he ever thought about Phil? Had he just said more things he liked about Phil? But they’d already talked about that…what else was there?

“Bear, please, your brain is still recovering, I’m scared this is making everything worse in there-“ Phil was pleading but Dan wasn’t listening, mind whirring away on the possibilities of what he might have said.

“Bear, you’re not listening to me,” Phil said, waving a hand in front of Dan’s face.

“Sorry…” Dan sighed,

“Just be patient, Bear, your brain is probably protecting you right now, you’ll remember when you’re ready,” Phil said kindly.

“I feel like I’ll be waiting forever,” Dan said and then his heart felt like it stopped.

_Forever_

Scenes from the night at the hospital flashed into his mind.

_Phil I want to be with you forever_

Had he said that?

_I would marry you Phil_

Was his mind making this up? He couldn’t have really said he’d marry Phil. Even though he was on medication, he would have known he couldn’t bring up _marriage._ Sure….in his heart he wanted to marry Phil in the future, but Phil couldn’t know that!

_I would marry you Phil I would marry you Phil I would marry you Phil_

“Oh no oh no oh fuck,” Dan said aloud. How could he have let his daydreams slip out? He was days away from turning 17, he couldn’t be talking about marriage!

“Bear,” Phil said cautiously, “what’s wrong?”

“At the hospital,” Dan said, feeling heat rising in his cheeks as the memory swam around his mind.

“It’s okay Bear,” Phil said gently, and Dan felt himself blushing furiously, as his mind pieced the whole thing together. Oh no, Phil’s reaction. Phil had been happy! Did he think Dan was committing to marriage?  

“Phil, I didn’t mean that we should, like, actually get married,” Dan blushed. He couldn’t read Phil’s expression, and began worrying, what if Phil was upset with him saying that? “That’s not to say that we’re never getting married,” Dan said quickly. Oh shit, now it sounded like he was actually thinking about marriage. “Not that I’m thinking about it,” Dan added, which sounded stupid since he obviously was in this moment.   
  
“Bear,” Phil said softly. “You don’t need to be worried about any of this. I was really flattered when you said you’d marry me,” Phil smiled, “but obviously, I didn’t take you completely seriously, I know it was a fantasy, day dreaming kind of declaration, and not an actual thought about the reality of marrying me.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to marry you,” Dan said quickly, not wanting Phil to be offended.

“I know,” Phil said gently, “but the sentiment was lovely and made me very happy.”

“I’m not like expecting us to get married or anything,” Dan said, blushing furiously, as scenes of them in kissing in suits appeared in his mind.

“I know,” Phil said again in the same gentle voice.

“I mean not that I’m not expecting it, I mean...like maybe we would like if things kept going well, not that we’d have to, just that,” Dan could feel his cheeks growing hotter and hotter, and feel himself growing more and more flustered.

“Bear, stop,” Phil said, placing his hand gently on the back of Dan’s. “Please please don’t worry about this. I know it was a very in the moment thing, which is why it was so lovely, and completely melted my heart,” Phil blushed, and looked away for a moment.

“But,” Phil looked back at Dan. “Even though you said it and even though I was flattered, that doesn’t mean we want to get married,” Dan couldn’t help feel a pang of sadness with Phil saying that. “It also doesn’t mean we don’t want to get married,” Phil said quickly. “It was just a nice thing to say at the time that’s all.”

“But I can’t just say something like that…to you,” Dan sighed.

“You can say whatever you want, Bear,” Phil smiled.

“But…it’s marriage,” Dan said, still feeling embarrassed he had made such a declaration.

“Okay, listen I have no idea whether that was the first or millionth time that marrying me crossed your mind,” Phil said and Dan tried not to blush, knowing it was probably the millionth.

“Bear,” Phil said softly. “You can daydream about marrying me all you like…I know it’s not serious yet….I mean,” Phil blushed. “I have also spent a lot of time daydreaming about marrying you,”  

“You have?” Dan asked.

“Of course I have, I love you,” Phil said seriously. Dan couldn’t speak. Phil’s eyes were pouring into his with a look of great longing….and all of a sudden Phil’s eyes were getting closer, and all of Phil was getting closer with them.

Dan’s heart was racing, was this the moment? Was Phil leaning into to kiss him?

“Is this okay?“ Phil asked gently, nose nearly touching Dan’s.

“Yes,” Dan smiled, and Phil tilted his head and time seemed to slow down as he began to close the final distance between them.

Dan closed his eyes.

His heart was fluttering out of control.

He felt himself shaking in nerves, in excitement.

He’d waited so long and he was about to kiss him.

Phil was about to kiss him.

He loved Phil so much and he was going to kiss him,

Phil’s lips met his own.

They was so soft…Phil’s kiss was so soft and warm and tender and simply so perfect. His lips tasted like sunshine and flowers and caramel and gave Dan that glowing feeling in his chest that he couldn't describe.  He could feel butterflies in his stomach and tingles over his entire body, as Phil’s lips so perfectly pressed against Dan’s. They were the perfect shape and softness, they moved so wonderfully over Dan’s, filling him with so much love for Phil he could feel his eyes forming tears behind his eyelids. Not only did he feel physically connected to Phil right now, but he felt so emotionally connected, all his favourite memories with Phil flying through his brain. If he loved Phil before, then what was this? He thought loved Phil as much as he could in every moment, but with each moment he only loved him more.

Phil slowly pulled away and Dan opened his eyes to see Phil’s cheeks tinged pink. Dan knew his own cheeks were more than flushed, and felt so happy a tear trickled down each of them.

They made eye contact and Phil giggled. Dan found himself giggling too.

“That was so…wow,” Phil giggled.  

 “Yeah…that was… wow,” Dan blushed, and Phil smiled as he wiped the tears from Dan’s cheeks.

“I hope these are happy tears,” Phil said shyly.

“They are,” Dan said, feeling another one fall.  

“Aww, well, I hope I gave you a nice first kiss,” Phil said blushing.

“It was perfect,” Dan smiled. “I hope I wasn’t bad,”   
  
“Bear!” Phil laughed. “That was like the best thing I’ve ever felt, you're really a very good kisser."

“Maybe you should check again,” Dan said without thinking, then blushed.

“Ooh, Flirty,” Phil giggled leaning and pressing his lips to Dan’s again.

How could something so simple feel so magical? He could feel Phil’s smile on his lips, he could feel his own heart pounding, as his entire body seemed to be filled with a glorious energy as he kissed Phil back, wishing that they could do this forever.

“Bear,” Phil pulled away with a smile. “This is incredible but I don’t want to overdo it, you still are recovering all.” 

“I guess,” Dan sighed, wishing they could spend the whole day kissing.

“We can kiss again soon, just let’s take it slow, okay?” Phil smiled, entertwining his fingers with Dan.

“This whole thing has been slow,” Dan said.

“That’s not a bad thing,” Phil smiled, “we can appreciate each moment more." 

“I suppose,” Dan sighed, just wishing he could put an arm around Phil’s back, or a hand through his hair and kiss him and cuddle him for hours or days....

“I hope that, I know you’re still not feeling the best…I hope I didn’t kiss you too soon,” Phil said blushing.

“Too soon? I’ve been wanting you to kiss me this whole time,” Dan said.

“Bear,” Phil giggled. “You could have asked.”

“I didn’t know if you wanted to kiss me,” Dan admitted.

“I _told_ you to ask me to kiss if you wanted to,” Phil said, poking at his cheek as Dan blushed.

“I didn’t know if you were talking about kissing,” Dan said awkwardly.

“What else would I be talking about?” Phil rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know! And l, I was just scared you would say no,” Dan admitted.

“Of course I wouldn’t,” Phil laughed. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you this whole time, I just I was scared of pushing you, or if you just weren’t feeling up to it,” Phil sighed. “Well, now anytime you want to kiss me, just ask okay?”

“Okay,” Dan blushed.

“Well, your kiss was worth waiting 9 months for,” Phil giggled.

“Only 9 months?” Dan said. “I’ve been waiting two years Phil,” Dan said, finally admitting that he’d been wanting to kiss Phil ever since he first saw his pixelated face.

“Stalker,” Phil teased.

“Well I got you alone, maybe this is still part of my secret my plan,” Dan teased.

“To what, marry me?” Phil smirked.

“Hey!” Dan blushed. “You said you’d thought about it too!”

“Well,” Phil said looking seriously all of a sudden, “I mean, like, I know this is still new, but ever since we started talking, all I’ve wanted to do is be with you,” Phil said. “Not meaning marriage, but I just want to spend every day with you,” Phil said blushing, and not quite making eye contact with Dan.  
  
“Phil,” Dan said, trying not to cry again.

“That’s why I was so happy when you said the marriage thing,” Phil said quietly. “Because even if that was the first and only time you’d ever thought it…somewhere in there is a part of you that wants to be with me every day too.”   
  
“Part of me?” Dan said. “All of me Phil.”

Phil leaned in and kissed Dan again, slowly and tenderly, careful not to move in any way that could hurt him.

“Tell me to stop if-“ Phil said, pulling away.

“Don’t ever stop,” Dan said, and Phil leaned back in and kissed Dan softly,  who kissed back harder but Phil pulled away quickly. 

“Come back,” Dan said, wishing he had the strength to lean in himself and continue their kiss.

“We’re taking this slowly,” Phil said, “I don’t want anything to become too intense before your ready for it,”

“Right,” Dan sighed, knowing he was getting ahead of himself. “Wait a minute,” Dan said, suddenly remembering Phil saying those words the day before. “Ready for it? Wait a minute,”

“I’m waiting,” Phil joked.

“You said, you were to tell me the thing….you said you would tell me when we were ready! Ready for what? MARRIAGE?”

Phil blushed. “Well if you never remembered and the opportunity arose, I, you know, might have slipped it in the proposal somewhere.”

“What?” Dan said, heart racing fast.

“You know, in 10 years, get down on my knee and say _when you were 16 you told me you’d marry me, now your 26, I hope you will stay the same thing? Daniel Howell will you-“_

“Oh my god stop, your scaring me,” Dan said interrupting him before his heart exploded.

“I’m joking Bear,” Phil laughed. “Who knows, maybe you’d propose first.”

“Shut up,” Dan laughed, not feeling as embarrassed about the whole thing anymore (or perhaps he was just too euphoric from all their kisses.) “I can’t believe we’re talking about marriage.”

“I couldn’t believe it when you said you’d marry me,” Phil retorted.

“Well it’s not like we are allowed to marry anyway,” Dan pointed out. “All of this is kind of pointless when same sex marriage is illegal,‘

“Oh Bear, by the time we’d be ready to get married I’m sure same sex marriage will be legal here,”

“This is weird, why are we still talking about this?” Dan said.

“Well, you were the one who said it originally,” Phil shrugged.

“I was drugged,” Dan said.

“You still said it.”

“And you were still flattered by it,”

“I was I mean, I don’t want to break up,” Phil said.

“Please don’t ever say those words Phil,” Dan said.

“Then I’ll say the word marriage instead,” Phil giggled.

“I’m glad you think this is funny,” Dan said sarcastically.

“Well it kind of is,” Phil said.

“What if do end up married?” Dan said, then blushed yet again, realising how serious he sounded.

“Then I’ll be the happiest man in the world,” Phil said, squeezing Dan’s hand lightly.

“And I’ll be stuck with a cheesy dork who hates cheese,” Dan teased.

“Well, more cheese for you then,” Phil shrugged.

“Yes, the real reason for marrying you,” Dan joked.

“Might be a bit early for marriage boys,” Dan’s Dad said, walking into the room suddenly.

“Argh!” Phil let out a small squeal, jumping in place and letting go of Dan's hand as both their faces turned bright red.Dan’s Dad came and sat in the armchair across from them. How much of their conversation had he overheard? Had he just heard the last bit?

“Shit, no Dad, this isn’t what it sounds like,” Dan said, completely flustered and unbelievably embarrassed.

“We’re not getting married!” Phil said quickly, looking incredibly embarrassed himself.

“Well, you’ve known each other longer than a lot of people who get married I suppose,” his Dad, looking at the corner of the room and ignoring both their protests.

“Dad we were just joking around,” Dan said.

“I’m not about to-“ Phil began to say.

“Boys relax,” his Dad said, then burst out laughing. “You two are just too funny, I’m teasing you,” he said, his own face going red with laughter.  

“But like, you know we weren’t serious,” Phil said urgently.

“It wouldn’t matter if you were, because unfortunately same sex marriage is not yet legal,” his Dad sighed. “I mean, you could get one of those civil partnerships I suppose,” he looked at Dan and raised his eyebrows as Dan’s face went redder again.

“Why is this a conversation?” Dan said, wanting to melt into the ground.

“But I’m not sure either of you have the money not to mention you’re too young,” his Dad said, ignoring Dan’s protests. Dan glanced at Phil, who looked incredibly uncomfortable and was staring at the ground. He looked up and made eye contact with Dan, and gave him a small smile before looking away.

“I see your sneaky glances,” his Dad laughed. “Don’t worry I’ll leave you two to your flirting, in a moment, I just wanted to check if you were feeling okay Dan,”   
  
“Uh,” Dan said, he couldn’t feel anything other than embarrassment. “Um, yeah fine, I guess.”   
  
“Well, tell your fiancé to come get me if you’re not,” his Dad laughed, as he started leaving the room.

“I’m dead,” Dan said, feeling beyond embarrassed. Why did his Dad have to walk in at that moment? “I am actually deceased.”

“Well, I think he was joking,” Phil said.

 “About marriage Phil! He heard us talking about marriage, what if he thought we were serious?"

 “Oh, he didn’t Bear,” Phil assured him, “he seems to like to joke about this kind of thing.”

“Why has he said stuff like this to you before?” Dan asked.

“No!” Phil shook his head quickly. “I mean, I just remember he was teasing you about talking to a boy all day on Skype that time,”  

“Oh yeah,” Dan said, blushing. “That was ages ago, how do you remember that?”

“Oh please Bear, do you think I forget anything about you?” Phil said seriously and Dan blushed again. He was about to answer but Phil spoke first. “I know I said we’re taking it slow, but can I kiss you again right now?”

“Please do,” Dan smiled, as Phil leaned in and kissed Dan again.

“You know, marrying you is seeming better and better,” Phil teased as he pulled away from Dan.

“I’m guessing you’re not going to stop joking about this anytime soon,” Dan said, although, he sort of didn’t mind the jokes so much when they came from Phil, especially when he knew Phil daydreamed about it too. 

“Well, I’ll stop joking about it when I’m serious,” Phil said and Dan laughed, as Phil leaned in to kiss him again.

 Then he realised Phil had said when. Dan smiled as he kissed Phil back. He probably hadn’t meant it like that but he still, he hadn’t said if…he’d said when.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and after 27 chapters they finally kiss.   
>  I didn't expect this to go on for so long, and I've still got quite a bit to go! Thanks for still reading <3


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for your patience with this chapter! I've had a tough week and it's been hard to write :( But anyway it's finally done yay! Sorry for the wait & I hope you enjoy it :)

Despite Phil’s insistence that they should take things slow, Dan lost track of how many kisses they shared that night. Dan would have expected to get used to how incredible Phil’s lips felt on his, but with each kiss his heart seemed to race even faster, his whole body lost in how beautiful Phil felt. Every time their lips touched, he wanted it to last forever, but Phil kept pulling away, scared he was going to hurt Dan, (which was ridiculous since his kisses were the softest things in the world). Dan wished he could just scoop Phil up in his arms and kiss him for hours.

“I wish I could hug you,” Dan complained as Phil pulled away from another kiss.

“Soon Bear,” Phil said.

“Not soon enough,” Dan sighed, knowing it was at least seven weeks until his casts came off.

“Well, we’ll just enjoy what we can do for now,” Phil smiled, “besides we’ve got our whole married lives to cuddle.’

Dan felt heat rise to his cheeks at another mention of marriage.

“You’re so cute,” Phil giggled, and Dan felt himself yawning.

“Do you need to have a nap or anything?” Phil asked, seeing him yawn, “We’ve been kissing so much you’ve barely slept.”

“I guess,” Dan yawned again. “I don’t know how I’ve been awake so long,” Dan said, realising it must be the longest he’d been awake since being home from hospital.

“All that energy from kissing I guess,” Phil smiled.

“Well, um thanks for all the kisses,” Dan blushed.

“Oh, thank you,” Phil poked him on the nose, “now get some rest.”

Dan only had to close his eyes to fall straight off to sleep.

_Phil. Phil was wearing a suit. Dan was wearing a suit too. Was this their wedding? Why was Ryan at their wedding? Oh no oh no oh no. He was going to hurt Dan. He was going to hurt them both. Shit. Where was Phil? Dan screamed as a pain went through his shoulder. Phil…_

“It’s just a dream Bear. It’s okay. I’m right here,” Phil said gently. Dan’s eyes flung open but he was in so much pain he could barely take in the room. His shoulder hadn’t hurt this much since he left the hospital, had he injured it again? His head was throbbing so bad he could barely breathe…

“Fuck it hurts,” Dan gasped, wishing the pain would go away. Why was everything so intense all of a sudden?

“Oh no,” Phil said, his voice shaky, “Shit. We missed a dose of your medication.” Phil said jumping up to get the tablets from the kitchen. “I’m so so sorry Bear, come on, I know this is going to be really hard, but you have to swallow this it will make it better soon, I’m so sorry.”

Dan couldn’t tell if Phil was crying, but he was in so much pain he couldn’t give it a second thought. He helped Dan eat a piece of bread, take his tablets, which was still a challenge enough without all the pain to go with it, but somehow he managed to.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil said again. Dan’s eyes were closed, and he could barely think everything hurt so much. His head and shoulder were the worst, but everything else was heightened, making him wish he could just escape his own body.  After an incredibly long half an hour (which could have been days for all Dan knew) the medication kicked in and the pain began to fade. Phil remained silent the whole time, as if talking would make things more painful for Dan.

“Hey,” Dan sighed, once the pain had faded enough for him to hear his own thoughts.

“Bear I’m so so sorry,” Phil said, his face distraught and voice still shaking. “I’m so sorry. We’re always meant to give you the dose before the last one wears off and I forgot, I’m so sorry.”

“Phil, it’s okay,” Dan sighed, “isn’t my Dad meant to remember these things?”

“He went out and he asked me to remember this one,” Phil said, lip quivering. “I’m so so sorry. Are you still in so much pain?”

“It’s settled now,” Dan told him, although his whole body felt rather drained.

“I’m so sorry Bear,” Phil said, looking like he was about to cry.

“It’s fine Phil, you didn’t mean to forget,” Dan said, and then he saw a tear fall down Phil’s face. “Please don’t cry, that will just make me sad too.”

“Oh Bear, I feel awful, I’m so sorry,” Phil said, wiping away a tear. “Sorry…I just lost track of time, I got so distracted… just thinking about all our kisses,” Phil blushed.

“It’s okay Phil, I’m fine, I promise,” Dan told him.

“Can I get you anything?” Phil asked nervously.

“Um, a kiss would be kind of nice,” Dan said then blushed.

“Is it going to hurt you though?” Phil asked tilting his head.

“No Phil, we’ve been over this, it won’t,” Dan said.

“Okay,” Phil smiled, meeting Dan’s lips. How could something feel so wonderful? Tingles shot through Dan’s entire body, his heart was racing again as he kissed Phil back, feeling how warm and soft Phil’s lips were.

“I think that’s enough for now,” Phil pulled away with a giggle. Dan smiled, thinking about how cute it was that Phil was always giggling after their kisses.   

“Hang on a minute,” Dan said, remembering how panicked Phil had been in forgetting Dan’s medicine, “wait a second, did you swear?”

“What?” Phil said looking confused.

“You did! Earlier! You said shit,” Dan laughed, just realising how weird it was to hear a swear word come out of Phil’s mouth.

“Oh probably, I was stressed,” Phil blushed.

“Swear again,” Dan insisted.

“No,” Phil laughed.

“But I was in so much pain I didn’t get to enjoy it,” Dan teased.

“I’ll swear again at some point,” Phil said. “But Bear I’m so so sorry, your Dad trusted me and I forgot.”  
  
“I won’t tell my Dad you forgot,” Dan assured him.

“Oh you probably should,” Phil sighed.

“Nah, then he’s going to ask why, and I don’t really need him knowing about all these kisses,” Dan blushed.

“Well he already thinks we’re getting married,” Phil teased.

“Well, no need to tell him about kissing, okay?” Dan said blushing.

“As if I would Bear,” Phil laughed.

“Where is he anyway?” Dan asked, remembering Phil had said he was out.

“Um,” Phil said, “he’s actually getting a few things for your birthday.”

“Oh!” Dan said, surprised.

“It's the day after tomorrow,” Phil smiled. Dan smiled for a moment but then realised that meant Phil was leaving in a couple days.

“Oh no, that means you leave soon,” Dan said sadly.

“Well, it’s not for a little while, we don’t have to think about that just yet,” Phil sighed.

“How’s your exam studying going?” Dan asked, feeling guilty he was taking so much of Phil’s time in the week before his final exams.

“It’s getting boring” Phil sighed, “I go to study and then I just get bored and stare off into space, or at you,” Phil laughed.

“You’ve been watching me sleep?” Dan blushed.

“Well you’re very cute,” Phil said, poking him on the cheek.

“If you weren’t my boyfriend I’d be really creeped out right now,” Dan said.

“I used to watch you sleep before you were my boyfriend,” Phil admitted.

“What?”

“Remember there was like a week where you kept falling asleep in our skype calls,” Phil smiled.

“Phil!”

“Sorry! I don’t know why I just admitted that,” Phil was blushing too.

“It’s okay,” Dan blushed, but this time only because he was so flattered Phil thought he was interesting enough to watch sleep.

“Can I kiss you?” Phil asked leaning in.

“Well, I suppose you have to make up for watching me sleep somehow,” Dan said, and Phil laughed as he leaned into to kiss Dan again.

 “But Phil, do some studying okay?” Dan said once Phil had pulled away.

“Says you,” Phil rolled his eyes.

“Hey well…hang on a second what happened to my exams?” Dan asked, realising he hadn’t sat his own end of year exams.

“You were exempt from them,” Phil smiled.

“Wait, do I still pass my subjects?”

“Yeah,” Phil nodded.

“Oh, great!” Dan laughed, “easiest pass ever.”

“Well, it hasn’t exactly been easy,” Phil sighed, eyes darting between Dan’s casts.

“Oh my God, Phil,” Dan said, feeling his heart beginning to race. Between his pain and kissing Phil he’d completely forgotten about everything happening with Ryan. “Phil what’s happening?”

“What do you mean?” Phil asked with concern.

“With…with…Ryan,” Dan said, feeling stressed just saying his name.

“Oh Bear,” Phil sighed.

“What’s happened?” Dan asked, his heart was racing. Had Ryan been expelled? Had the school decided they wouldn’t expel him? What would happen if Dan had to return to school with Ryan still there?

“I’ll tell you but, I just need to make sure you’re not feeling too overwhelmed,” Phil said slowly.

“Tell me, tell me right now,” Dan insisted, feeling intense waves of nausea pass through his body. He couldn’t go back to school if Ryan was there…Ryan would hurt him again…Dan would have to drop out of school if Ryan was going to be there…

“Bear, I know you want to know, but we have to be careful okay?” Phil said gently.

“Is he expelled?” Dan asked desperately.

“Um, I’m not sure,” Phil said. “I asked your Dad to only tell me when he was telling you.”

“Oh,” Dan said, heart still beating out of control. But if his Dad hadn’t told Phil anything…what was it that Phil knew? “What is it then? What do you know?”

“I don’t want to tell you now you’re stressed,” Phil said quickly. “But now I realise it’s going to be just as stressful if I don’t tell you,” Phil sighed.

“So, tell me,” Dan begged, his mind was already jumping to thousands of possibilities of what might have happened. Had Phil somehow seen Ryan? Had Ryan said he wanted to hurt him again? 

“So, um, he’s still been leaving all the comments,” Phil said nervously.

“Oh my god,” Dan said, feeling intense nausea pass through his body. What had he been saying to Phil? Had he told Phil he still wanted to hurt Dan? 

“It’s nothing…it’s just words Bear, it doesn’t mean anything,” Phil said carefully.

“What are the words?” Dan asked, feeling tears form in his eyes.

“I’m not sure if now is the best time,” Phil said nervously.

“It’s really bad, isn’t it?” Dan said, feeling his chest fill with panic, as he imagined what Ryan might have said.

“Bear it’s okay,” Phil said gently, but now even Phil’s voice couldn’t distract him from the panic running through his body and mind. “It’s not as bad as you’re thinking, I’m sure.”

“You don’t know what I’m thinking,” Dan said, tears dripping out.

“Oh Bear,” Phil said. “It’s just the usual stuff.”

“But he’s mentioned it, hasn’t he?” Dan sobbed.

”The accident?” Phil said softly.

“It wasn’t an accident!”

“Bear-"

“What’s he said? Has he said he wants to hurt me again?”

“No! Please listen-“

“It’s worse, isn’t it?” Dan said, body going into full on panic mode. He didn’t just want to hurt Dan…what if he wanted to hurt Phil too? Now Phil was in the same place as him, he could just come to his house and he could hurt Phil too-

“Come on Bear, just focus on breathing come on, breath in and breathe out,”

“I can’t Phil he..he…” Dan felt like he couldn’t breathe. Phil’s voice was lost to him now. The whole room seemed to be swaying. Was he going to faint again? His vision didn’t seem so good, but the nausea felt so much worse. He felt like he was going to throw up…he was going to throw up.

Dan couldn’t hold it in, and suddenly vomit was flying everywhere. All over his lap, all over the couch, but worst of all, all over poor Phil.

“Bear, its’okay it’s okay,” Phil said quickly, standing up. It didn’t feel okay, not only was Dan panicking about Ryan hurting him, and Ryan hurting Phil, but the fact he had just thrown up on his boyfriend.

“I know you’re really stressed right now but I need you to listen to me can you do that?” Phil asked gently.

“I can’t” Dan said still panicking, throat burning from throwing up.

“Yes you can,” Phil said.

“No, Phil I’m scared, I could have died down those stairs, what if he wants to finish off the job?” Dan sobbed.

“Oh my god, no he doesn’t! Please don’t say stuff like that. Bear he really doesn’t I promise,” Phil said, crying now too.

“But what if he wants to hurt you too?” Dan cried.

“No Bear, he doesn’t, I know you’re scared,” Phil said. “I know he seems really scary, but it was an accident. Listen, _it was an accident_ , can you please trust me on this?”

“But it wasn't an accident,” Dan sobbed, remembering what his Dad had said. Dan’s heart was racing too fast…way to fast…

“It was. Look I know more than you about this, and it was an accident. He didn’t mean for you to fall, he was just angry, he’s not going to hurt me, and you’re not going to die, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan sobbed, trying to stop himself from throwing up again.

“Now, please, please let’s do some breathing, and I’m going to call your Dad so you can get cleaned up, and then when you’re feeling better I’ll help you understand it was an accident, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan sobbed, the room spinning in and out of focus.  

Phil led him through some breathing. The smell was awful, and the taste in his mouth was awful but after a few minutes his heart wasn’t racing so fast and Dan didn’t feel like he would faint or throw up again.

Phil called his Dad, who was home within minutes, assuring Dan that it wasn’t to do with his concussion and it had purely been a stress induced experience. He’d spoken to doctors at the hospital, who told Dan not to worry, and moved his psychologist appointment forward. He then helped Dan wash and change (which took nearly a whole hour) which would have been embarrassing but Dan felt too exhausted from the whole experience to think about it much.

“I’m sorry,” he told his Dad after he brushed Dan's teeth for him.  

“Dan, don’t apologise for this,” His Dad sighed, “I feel awful I wasn’t home.”

“It’s not Phil’s fault though,” Dan insisted.

“Of course not,” he said. “But it’s not yours either, okay?

“I feel so bad I threw up on Phil,” Dan said and his Dad laughed for the first time since arriving home.

“Well Dan, at this rate you two really will be getting married,” he chuckled.

“Dad,” Dan groaned.

“I’m serious, Dan,” he said. “You haven’t exactly been the easiest boyfriend, and Phil’s still here looking at you with puppy dog eyes.”

“Stop it,” Dan said, blushing.

“Well it’s nothing compared to the way you look at him,” his Dad laughed, and Dan felt like his face was on fire, “you’re like a cartoon character with hearts coming out of your eyes.”

“Oh my god Dad stop,” Dan begged.

“Your just lucky I’m not saying this in front of Phil,” he laughed.

His Dad took him back to the lounge where Phil was waiting in clean clothes, the floor clean and the couch cushions swapped over with spares.

“Hey,” Phil said, with a small smile, standing up as Dan’s Dad helped him back onto the couch.

“I’m sorry for throwing up on you,” Dan said, once his Dad had left the room.

“Don’t be, I’m sorry I did the worst job telling you,” Phil sighed.

“I shouldn’t have asked,” Dan sighed.

“No, of course you were going to ask, I shouldn’t have made you think about it,” Phil said sadly.

“It’s not your fault, I’ve been thinking about it anyway,” Dan sighed. His whole body felt so empty after everything. He felt exhausted but he wasn’t sure how he would ever sleep.

“But Bear, ” Phil said softly, “It really was an accident,”

“But he said-“ Dan began.

“Just because he said it doesn’t mean it’s true,” Phil said, tracing circles on the back of Dan’s hand.

“But why would he say that?” Dan asked.

“Well…I’ve read a lot of his comments,” Phil sighed, “and the thing is, I think he just said it to try and make it look like that’s what he wanted to happen.”

“But the police-“ Dan began to say but Phil interrupted him. 

“He didn’t know he'd be in trouble when he said it,” Phil said, “all he was thinking was that he wanted to make sure people didn’t think he liked you.”

“So, he punched me down the stairs!” Dan said, feeling his heart beginning to race again. Oh no, was he going to throw up again? Or faint? Or worse?

“No but Bear, that’s the thing, he punched you. He was trying to hurt your shoulder, but he didn’t intend for you to fall, if he had he would have pushed you,” Phil said carefully.

Dan didn’t say anything. Could that be true? Was it possible that Ryan hadn’t intended him to fall?

“Then he would have come to the bottom of the stairs and…but he didn’t,” Phil said quickly.

“I guess,” Dan said, admitting it did make sense when Phil put it that way.

“He said in my comments….I won’t say his exact words, but he’s said three times now that he couldn’t believe you fell.”

“What?”

“I’ll show you another day, but that’s what he said,” Phil said.

“Really?” Dan asked, heart slowing a bit. If Ryan hadn’t meant for him to fall, then maybe this wasn't as bad as he thought.

“I’ve been really wanting to tell you…but I didn’t want to bring it up, or this to happen,” Phil sighed.

“Wait, so he didn’t mean for me to fall?” Dan asked, wanting to confirm the stairs at least, had been an accident.

“Well I don’t think he did, I think he acted out of impulse and didn’t even think about the stairs,” Phil said.

“Really?” Dan asked again.

“I really do, Bear,” Phil said, stretching out his fingers so Dan could hold his hand. Dan entwined his fingers. He felt better…but even if Ryan hadn’t wanted him to fall. He’d still punched him. He still could want to punch him again. Or maybe now that he had seen what happened, maybe he did want to hurt him more…

“I’m still scared,” Dan admitted, trying to breathe slowly and stop his heart racing out of control again.

“I know, but that doesn’t mean anything will happen,” Phil said.

“What if he now wants to hurt me more?” Dan said, stomach beginning to hurt.

“Oh Bear,” Phil sighed, “I know he’s scary, but Bear, I really don’t think you’re going to see him again.”

“But he hasn’t even been expelled!” Dan exclaimed.

“He will be,” Phil assured him.

“How do you know?”

“Well I don’t, I just hope,” Phil sighed, “now I really think we should stop talking about this for tonight,” Phil said. “I think you should have a rest, even if you can’t sleep, just close your eyes for a bit. I’ll be right here if you need me okay?”

“Okay,” Dan said closing his eyes. Surprisingly, Dan did fall off to sleep, and even more surprisingly he didn’t wake to any drastic nightmares.

“I’m sorry for losing it,” Dan said, when he woke to find Phil next to him, holding his hand.

“Bear, no! Don’t say that, it’s totally understandable,” Phil smiled.

“I threw up on you,” Dan said sadly.

“And now I can include the anecdote when we give speeches at our wedding,”

“Well I guess if you haven’t left after this, there’s not much I could do to make you go away.”

“You’ll be stuck with me forever,” Phil laughed but Dan blushed.

“Can I kiss you?” Phil asked, tilting his head to the side.

“You don’t always have to ask,” Dan smiled.

“Course I do, you’re not very well, Bear, and even if you were you might not want to kiss me,” Phil said.

“Phil, I always want to kiss you,” Dan said and Phil laughed as he brushed his lips against Dan’s. His lips felt so soft, and tasted like flowers and Dan couldn't help but think of flowers and how nice it would be if he could give Phil flowers.

“I love you Phil,” Dan said, blushing.

“Aww, I love you too,” Phil smiled, “and I love that we can kiss now.”

“Me too,” Dan smiled.

“But I am serious when I say I like asking,” Phil said.

“Well the answer is always going to be yes,” Dan said.

“I just...this might sound weird, but um,” Phil blushed, “now that we can like touch and stuff, I just like asking, I don’t want to ever push you in the slightest or anything.”

“You’re not,” Dan said.

“But you’re still not well,” Phil said.

“Well, when I’m all better you can tackle me to the ground and kiss me if you want.”

“Noted,” Phil laughed, “but seriously, even when you are better you might not want to kiss all the time, and so I just always want to ask.”

“Phil I really don’t mind you just kissing me randomly,” Dan said, and Phil looked sad.

"Can I please ask Bear? Please?" Phil was practically begging him and Dan suddenly felt awful. 

"Of course you can Phil," Dan said quickly. Wow...this was really important to him. "This is obviously important to you, so if you’re more comfortable asking then you can always ask,” Dan said. Phil smiled and his eyes brightened at Dan's words.

"Thanks Bear, sorry if it sounds weird, I just feel better asking with this stuff," Phil blushing. 

"It's not weird," Dan said, realizing that although they were incredibly close emotionally, they still weren't exactly used to each other physically yet.

"Phil, I should be asking you too. I can't lean in and kiss you at the moment, but when I can, I will make sure to always ask before I kiss you too.” Dan said, never wanting to make Phil feel uncomfortable in any aspect of their relationship. They were silent for a moment, and in that time Dan suddenly realised how important it was that they know when each other felt comfortable. He wanted their relationship to last forever...so if they were going to get serious...it was important that they know how each other was feeling about any kind of touching. 

"Like, I don't want you to be uncomfortable either, sorry I hadn't thought about this before... i just sort of realised, well we've known each other for ages...but touching is all new. So I get why you want to ask. I want to ask too. I think it's a good idea if we always make sure both off us are happy with everything" Dan blushed. Phil tilted his head to the side and stared at Dan, not smiling this time. Dan was beginning to worry, had he said the wrong thing?

"That sounds perfect," Phil said quietly. “I love you so much Bear,” Phil said, but he sounded like he was going to cry. 

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, taking in the way Phil’s body posture seemed to drop suddenly

“Nothing,” Phil said quickly. "Just....thanks for saying that," Phil said, but Dan was completely confused. If they were happy and on the same page with everything...then why did Phil still seem upset?

“You look sad,” Dan said.

“You look beautiful,” Phil said.

“Oh,” Dan blushed.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Phil said suddenly, looking at Dan with wide blue eyes.

“Hurt me? Phil, you never would, what’s this about?"

“I…I love you,” Phil said looking away.

“Phil, I love you too but where’s this coming from?” Dan asked, unable to piece all of Phil’s random thoughts together.

“Thanks for saying you’ll ask to kiss me,” Phil said. Oh no, he sounded like he was crying again. What was going on?

“Um, you’re welcome,” Dan said, “I’m sort of confused though.”

 “I just…I um,” Phil sighed, “I actually…um I,” Phil looked around the room nervously. “I don’t really want to talk about it too much…”

“Talk about what?” Dan asked, wondering what was going through Phil’s mind.

“Um, I don’t know,” Phil said.

“Okay,” Dan said, realising Phil wasn’t going to say what was on his mind today.

“I love you,” Phil said again.

“I love you too,” Dan said laughing nervously. “But, Phil, are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine,” Phil said, still not looking at Dan.

“Phil, you don’t seem fine,” Dan said.

“You’re so perfect,” Phil said suddenly causing Dan to blush.

“Um, I’m not sure I am, but thanks I guess,” Dan said, even more confused than ever.

“Sorry….um, will you be okay if I just use the bathroom for a moment?”

“Yeah,” Dan said slowly, “but Phil, um if you want to talk about anything with me you can, you know that right?”

“I know, I just need a few moments to myself,” Phil smiled.

“Okay,” Dan said.

What on earth was that about? All because he wanted to ask Dan to kiss him, and Dan had said he would ask too? Phil hadn't been upset with what Dan said, so Dan was beyond confused. Phil seemed to be all over the place. It was like when he had brought up the way Phil always called him Bear…. like something was going on in his mind, and he got lost in there. It was like when he referred to his bullying…was this all to do with his bullying as well? 

“Sorry about that,” Phil said shyly when he came back out, “just got a bit lost in my mind.”

“Sorry if I said something wrong,” Dan said.

“Oh no! You didn’t! You said the perfect thing” Phil said quickly. “Let’s just…this is too complicated to talk about right now-“

“But Phil I’m just so confused, is this to do with what happened the other day?” Dan asked.

“What?” Phil said, sitting down beside Dan.

“I don’t know, you sort of get a little bit, like withdrawn…like when I asked you about my nickname-” Dan said.

“Oh I’m really sorry…I didn’t mean to,” Phil said sadly.

“No! It wasn’t a criticism I’m just worried, that’s all,” Dan said quickly

“Oh Bear, thankyou, but you don’t need to worry about me,” Phil smiled.

“You don’t have to answer this, but is this all related?” Dan asked nervously.

“Um…yeah I guess so,” Phil said, fidgeting with his hands.

“Is it to do with like, your…when you were bullied?” Dan asked, fearing he was upsetting Phil but wanting to understand why he’d been so upset in the first place.

“Um…yeah,” Phil said slowly.

“Okay,” Dan said, ready to end the conversation there. He really didn’t want to push Phil, and he still seemed upset, so Dan decided he’d leave it. But then Phil began talking again.

“It just…sometimes…like, when things…like things with us are just really good…sometimes I remember other stuff," Phil said slowly.

“So like, something I said reminded you of something?” Dan asked.

“Um sort of….like you’re really different,” Phil said.

“I’ve changed?” Dan asked, confused.

“No you’re just so different…from…” Phil didn’t finish his sentence. From who? Dan wanted to ask so badly, but he didn’t want to make Phil anymore upset. Phil would tell him one day, but right now he didn’t seem up to it.

“Phil I’m sorry for asking so many questions,” Dan sighed, feeling like he’d overstepped.  
  
“No! You can ask, it’s just all complicated…sorry,” Phil said finally looking up at him again.

“Phil’s it’s okay,” Dan said.

“Okay,” Phil nodded, but looked rather looking lost. “Well um, I should probably let you get to bed, I mean, sleep and stuff,” Phil sighed, “it’s been a big day.”

“Um yeah,” Dan sighed, still not sure what was going on with Phil.

“I love you so much, Bear,” Phil said suddenly, looking so sad it made Dan’s heart ache.

“Are you okay Phil? I’m worried about you,” Dan said.

 “Don’t worry about me, I’m sorry for going weird again when you’re already not feeling well” Phil said before Dan could say anymore “Thanks for letting me kiss you so much today.”

“Oh, thanks for um kissing me, and stuff,” Dan blushed.

“I hope you feel better tomorrow,” Phil smiled.

“Sorry for throwing up on you,” Dan sighed, “and for ruining your clothes.”

“You didn’t! I can wash them, no problem,” Phil said, his usual smile returning again.

“Okay,” Dan sighed.

“It’s not a big deal, I’m glad your casts are okay,” Phil said.

“Me too,” Dan smiled, looking down on all Phil’s words and drawings. He was glad he didn't throw up on his casts at least. 

“Well, goodnight,” Phil said. “Can I kiss you on the cheek?”

“Yeah,” Dan blushed as Phil’s lips met his cheek.

“Sleep well,” Phil giggled.

“Night Phil,” Dan smiled, as Phil left the room, blushing again as he imagined Phil sleeping in his bed. What would Phil be thinking as he went off to sleep? Dan couldn’t help but wonder why Phil had gone so…so distant again? What had been going through his mind? Dan knew Phil wasn’t trying to keep secrets from him, but at the same time, Dan couldn’t help but wonder: what on earth was Phil hiding?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will be much sooner :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to learn a bit more about Phil....  
> Just a heads up it's pretty sad :"(

Despite the late hour, Dan had no intention of even trying to fall asleep yet. He couldn't stop wondering what had happened to Phil, and why he'd turned so distant and sad earlier in the evening. He was worried about him, although it wasn't like when he worried about Ryan hurting him; with panic rising through his body and a sense of impending doom. Worrying about Phil was different, it was like an ache in his heart, a longing for Phil to be okay, even though in this case he knew couldn't change whatever had happened. 

Dan had never seen Phil go quite so distant, or seem quite so lost in thinking about the past. Perhaps it was because they were no longer talking through computer screens, that Dan was just able to notice it more. But Phil's speech on the topic had never seemed so incoherent or disjointed, and Dan couldn’t help but feel like whatever Phil was hiding was really bad, giving Dan this terrible gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

Dan's mind replayed the conversation, remembering how Phil had seemed so lost and broken. At times, he’d be desperate to make sure Dan knew that he loved him, then he’d switch to talking about how things had been bad, in between telling Dan he didn’t want to hurt him. Somehow it was related to when he was bullied in school, but Dan just couldn’t work it all out. He just felt stupid that he couldn’t piece the whole story together.

“Dan, you okay?” his Dad said, perhaps noticing his eyes were open, or that he hadn’t even attempted to sleep.

“Just thinking,” Dan said, trying to remember the point in their conversation where Phil had started acting different.

“I know it’s hard, but try to just put what happened off your mind for now,” his Dad said, and Dan realised his Dad thought he was thinking about Ryan. To be fair, he usually was panicking about it around this time every night, but tonight that had been taken over by worrying about Phil.

“Oh no, for once I actually wasn’t thinking about that,” Dan said.

“I don’t mean to pry,” his Dad said slowly, “but did you and Phil fight or something?”

“Fight?” Dan said, shocked. “Fight? What do you mean? Dad why would you say that?” Had Phil said something to his Dad?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing then. I just thought if you were thinking about something else…and well,” his Dad sighed, “Phil just seemed upset when he came to get me, and normally he doesn't get me, he just waits with you until I come in, I was just hoping everything was okay between you two.”

“Well I thought it was,” Dan said, beginning to feel worried he was responsible for Phil’s earlier distress.

“I’m sure it is,” his Dad said quickly, “he’s probably just tired.”

“No something’s wrong,” Dan said, suddenly feeling alarmed. Dan had never seen Phil act like this, save for the night Phil was trying to explain why he hadn’t told Dan about the comments from Ryan, and that he actually loved him. So, if he was that high on the distress scale, then he really needed to go see Phil.

“Dad I’m worried about him. I need to go talk to him.”

“Don’t worry about him,’ his Dad said quickly, “he’s very strong, he’ll be okay.”

“No Dad, you don’t know him like I do, I need to go see him,” Dan said.

“Dan, it’s late, he’s probably asleep.”

“No, he’s not,” Dan said, convinced Phil was probably lying awake in tears, “Please take me to his room, I mean my room,” Dan said blushing as he imagined Phil in his bed.

“We might scare him if he’s sleeping.”

“He’s not Dad, please, I have to talk to him,” Dan said, feeling increasingly irritated by his inability to move anywhere on his own.

“But if he’s not awake-“

“Can you just go listen at the door?” Dan asked, “You’ll hear him crying.”

“I’m not invading his privacy."

“You’re not, please, just listen for one second.”

“Fine,” his Dad sighed, getting up and walking in the direction of Dan’s bedroom. Dan heard his Dad’s footsteps stop but couldn’t hear anything but silence.

“I didn’t hear anything,” his Dad said.

“Are you sure?”

“Look..Dan, sometimes people just prefer to be alone,” he said slowly.

“So, he’s crying?” Dan said, wanting to cry himself.

“I think so,” he admitted.

“Dad, please," Dan begged.

“Look Dan," His Dad sighed, "Fine. I’ll help you to the door, but you have to be prepared for him to not want to talk to you, he might just need some space.”

“Thankyou,” Dan sighed as his Dad helped him into his wheelchair and down the hall. 

“Phil?” Dan called out.

“Bear?” Phil replied, his voice thick with tears.

“Are-are you okay?” Dan asked through the door.

“Oh…um…yeah…fine,” Phil said slowly, not sounding remotely fine.

“Phil, you can say no, but is there any chance I could talk to you?”

“Oh..um…I don’t know,” Phil said slowly.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay,” Dan said.

“I’m fine,” Phil said quickly.

“Okay,” Dan said, his heart dropping. Phil really didn’t want to talk to him. “I guess you were right,” Dan whispered to his Dad, trying not to cry.

“Um…actually," Phil's voice came through the door. "If you're not too tired, maybe you could come in?” Phil said, and Dan smiled while his Dad sighed and opened the door, placing his wheelchair at the end of his bed. His Dad left quickly, closing the door behind him, and Dan was left to blush profusely at the sight of Phil in his bed.

Although he knew Phil had been sleeping his bed, somehow Dan hadn’t quite processed that actual Phil would be in his actual bed. It was dark, but Dan’s heart raced to see Phil’s body lying under the blankets, and his head resting against Dan’s pillow.  

 “Sorry, I think I might have gotten a few tears on your pillow,” Phil said, voice shaky, as he turned on the lamp beside the bed. The whole thing looked covered in tear stains and Dan’s heart broke to realise Phil had probably been crying since the moment he said goodnight to Dan.

“That’s okay, my pillow is pretty used to it to be honest,” Dan said. Phil laughed, but then quickly dropped his smile and mumbled an apology.

“Phil, it was a joke you can laugh,” Dan said.

“Okay,” Phil giggled, and Dan’s heart warmed to hear the beautiful sound.

“Seems you like my Bear,” Dan said, blushing as he noticed Phil was cuddling his toy bear to his chest.

“Sorry I should have asked,’ Phil said sadly, letting go of it and placing it back where it always sat.

“No, if it comforts you, hug him all you like,” Dan said, only wishing Phil could hug him like that.

“Oh thanks,” Phil smiled, pulling the Bear to his chest again. “Well…he doesn’t quite feel as nice as my Bear-“

“You still sleep with a teddy bear?” Dan asked, thinking how adorable that was (even though he often did himself).

“Oh no…I was actually talking about you Bear,” Phil said with a small laugh.

“Oh,” Dan blushed.

“But I do like toys, they’re just nice to cuddle you know?” Phil laughed, although Dan couldn't help but notice how much emptier it sounded than his usual laugh.

“I know,” Dan said, glad at least that he was helping Phil laugh, even if they were miles away from the topic of why Phil was so sad.

“Sorry…sorry you had to hear me crying,” Phil said quietly, sitting up and moving to the edge of the bed to sit closer to Dan in his wheelchair.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dan asked.

“Um…not really,” Phil sighed, putting his hands under his chin.

“Well um…can I just check, was it something I did?” Dan asked, feeling a gnawing sense of guilt that he was the reason Phil had been upset.   
  
“No!” Phil said quickly, shaking his head. “Of course not.”

“But like, was it because of,” Dan sighed, “is it to do with us kissing?”

“Um, no, not like that,” Phil said slowly, looking away from Dan.

“You said something about, things being good reminding you of things not being good,” Dan said, trying to remember what else Phil had said at that time. “Is it like, were you just reminded of something today?”

“Um…yeah I suppose so,” Phil said sadly.

“Okay,” Dan said, not sure what to make of the information.

“Wait, so is this still related to the bullying again?” Dan asked, hoping Phil wouldn’t burst into tears at Dan mentioning it.

“Um, um…yeah I guess so,” Phil said quietly.

“Okay,” Dan nodded.

“So all these times you keep getting sad, it’s somehow related to like what happened with bullying?”

“It’s sort of complicated,” Phil said sadly, looking back at Dan. His eyes were red from crying, it broke Dan’s heart to see they were watery. “I want to tell you, I really want to...but it’s still so hard for me to say what happened,” Phil said, tears now falling down his face but not taking his eyes away from Dan’s. “It’s just like, I don’t want you thinking…I’m like…that I’m,” Phil stopped speaking for a minute to wipe his tears. “It’s so complicated, and I don’t want to upset you, and you’re just dealing with so much yourself,” Phil looked to the corner of the room now. “I’m sorry….I don’t want to add to your worries…and  I’m not trying to hide anything from you it’s all just.., and I know how much you care about me, and I don’t want to send you into another panic,” Phil said fidgeting with his hands.

“Phil?” Dan said, unable to think of how to articulate a response.

“Yeah?” Phil said nervously.

“If you’re happy to…can you kiss me?” Dan asked.

“Oh,” Phil said, blushing, as he hopped off the bed and kissed Dan. Perhaps it was their hours apart, or the fact Phil was incredibly emotional, but the kiss had an entirely feel to their earlier kisses. There was this tender longing on Phil’s lips, and Dan wished he could just lean in and put his hands around Phil’s face and make him feel okay. It was like he could taste Phil’s sadness through his lips, and all Dan wanted to do was help him to feel happy again. Phil pulled away, but with a small smile rather than his usual giggle, and sat back down on the edge of his bed.

“Phil, you don’t need to worry about not telling me about what happened yet,” Dan said, heart breaking at the way Phil seemed so nervous. “But um, maybe when you get sad about it, you could tell me when you start to feel sad about it, and then you won’t have to say anything about it, but I can know to talk about something else.”

Phil looked teary again. Oh no, did he just make Phil more upset? “You’re…you’re really really the best, thank you, ” Phil said, giving him a small smile, as more tears fell down his face.

“Um, Phil, you don’t have to answer this,” Dan said, tension rising in his whole body. “I’m just a bit confused I guess. You sort of…seem sadder about this than usual,” Dan said slowly.

“I have been rather sad about it tonight,” Phil said after a long silence. “It’s sort of just like a lot of things…it’s hard to explain. Like…I mean, you’ve just been so great about me not telling you for all the time we’ve known each other, and you’re so nice to me, and now we’re together, like next to each other, I don’t want to hold all this stuff back, so I get sadder that I can’t tell you, when you’re being so kind about it all,”

“Phil you don’t need to be upset, there’s no rush to tell me."

“See you’re so nice, I just want to tell you, but then I get scared because I don’t know what you’re going to think of me once I’ve told you all of it.”

“Phil well…whatever it is like, I’ll probably only love you more,”

“You might hate me,” Phil said, suddenly breaking into sobs again, and burying his face in his hands.

“Phil! What? No! Phil, I could never hate you,” Dan said.

“I just...it’s I wouldn’t mean to, but I just get so scared that I’m going to hurt you,” Phil said.

“Phil, you never could,” Dan said, wondering how all these new thoughts fit together.

“But I have hurt you before,” Phil sobbed, “You were devastated when you found out I hadn’t told you about the comments,” Phil sobbed.

“Oh Phil…remember, I was stupid to get upset, I didn’t listen, I was upset because I was being stupid.”

“You weren’t stupid, I got so worried that I would upset you that I upset you even more by not telling you and I don’t want to do that again,” Phil sobbed, “but you’re so fragile right now, so I can’t tell you everything, because I don’t want to make you faint or throw up or anything, but then I don’t want it to be like last time, and I just don't know what to do." 

“Phil…this has nothing to do with what happened that time,” Dan sighed, wishing once again he hadn’t gotten so emotional and reacted so badly. “Phil this is your past, an awful time that you don’t want to think about. I get it Phil, I completely understand why it’s so hard to talk about. And like...with the panic and stuff...it only really happens when I think about you know...Ryan.”

“Okay," Phil nodded. "Um...Okay." Phil said again, "You're right. It's okay. I won't make you throw up...because I'm not talking about that. Right. That's good. It's okay." Phil mumbled to himself.  Dan felt himself smiling at the fact Phil had just reassured himself that it was okay, in the same way he would Dan. God, he loved Phil.

"But," Dan sighed, "Is there something else you're worried about?" Dan asked tentatively, seeing Phil's hands still shaking and the way his whole body seemed jittery. 

"I just...I just don’t want…I don’t want to ever hurt you like…I just get scared, I’m older than you and you watched me on youtube for ages, and I don’t want to take advantage of you,” Phil said slowly.

Where were all these different trains of thought coming from? 

“Phil, I’m not really sure what this has to do with what we’re talking about,” Dan sighed. “But like if you’re worried about that whole thing,” Dan blushed, remembering having to tell Phil he wasn’t interested in sex yet, “not…no…I….we already postponed this conversation until after I finish school.”

“No Bear, I’m not talking about that,” Phil said. What on earth was Phil talking about then? What did this have to do with when Phil was bullied at school? “With kissing or hugging or anything, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’m not,” Dan assured him. “Remember, we talked about it before. We’ll always ask each other and that way we’ll both be happy.”

“But what if you just say you’re happy and you’re not? I don’t want you to just do what I want-“

“Phil! I am happy, and if I wasn’t I would tell you” Dan said, wishing Phil could just see it. “Phil, I know you're just concerned, but I’m not really sure why you would think you would hurt me, or that I would feel uncomfortable,” Dan said quickly, hoping Phil wasn’t going to burst into hysterical tears at his words.

Phil said nothing, and Dan only felt more confused. Their conversation was going in a thousand different directions, but somehow to Phil seemed to see everything as linked. How was it all linked?

There was a long silence where Phil didn't say anything, and Dan was terrified he'd upset Phil or angered him with his words. 

“I just…I’m scared…because I don’t want to do to you what someone did to me,” Phil said quietly, and suddenly the whole atmosphere of the room changed. Like glass was shattering all around Dan, like the floor had fallen out from underneath them. Dan's mind was roaring and silent all at the same time.  _What had someone done to Phil?_

Dan felt his heart sinking in his chest. 

No. no. no. no.

Dan had a sudden desire to scream and cry all at the same time.

No. No. No. Please not this.

He'd thought Phil had just been upset about being bullied, and hadn't been able to understand why he kept talking about their relationship. But...no this wasn't about when he was bullied at all. Someone had hurt him terribly, and now he was reliving it all. Why hadn't Dan seen it earlier? It had been so obvious in hindsight...but what had happened? Dan tried not to think about all the things that could go wrong in a relationship, but he felt sick to his stomach as Phil's words rang through his hears. 

"Bear, I'm okay Bear," Phil said, his voice sounding like it was coming from thousands of miles away. "I don’t know what you’re thinking but...you're probably thinking it was worse than it really was.’

“Did…did they hurt you?” Dan said, feeling like he was choking as he spoke, his voice coming out squeaky.

“Well, depends what you mean," Phil said, and Dan didn't have to look at him to know floods of tears were running down his face. "Emotionally...I was...he basically killed me emotionally," Phil sobbed."But not physically...nothing like sexual..he just...he scared me..."  
  
Dan felt like his whole body was caving in, he was feeling everything and nothing all at once. 

_He basically killed me emotionally....he scared me._

Oh Shit. Oh Shit. Oh shit.

What had happened?

_Phil...oh Phil..no Phil...not this why this no no no no no_

A hand was suddenly on top of his, a small patch of warmth on his cold body.  "Bear, I'm okay," Phil said, but Dan could hear the tears in his voice. "Bear, please, I can't hug you, but Bear, don't be this upset, I'm fine," 

"You're not, you weren't," Dan sobbed, heart aching for a younger Phil who'd had his heart shattered.

“Bear, don’t cry,’ Phil said, placing a hand on Dan's cheek.

"Why are you comforting me?" Dan sobbed, "I should be comforting you!" 

"It was a long time ago,” Phil said, his teary eyes meeting Dan's. 

“When?” Dan asked quietly, trying not to cry more as he noticed how beautiful Phil's eyes were. 

“I was 16 and 17,” Phil sniffed, sitting back down on the bed, but keeping a hand on Dan's. 

“My age,” Dan realised.

“And he was mine,” Phil said sadly. “So I just…don’t want to be him,” he said quietly. 

"Phil you're not," Dan said, face feeling wet and tight from tears, "Phil I'm so sorry about...I don't know how you can even be with me after something like that," Dan sobbed, dreading to even imagine what might have happened. 

"I'm okay with it...I mean most of the time," Phil said, voice catching every few words. "Mostly….I'm just scared I would do that do you," 

“Phil, you wouldn’t," Dan said, even with no idea what had happened, "Phil I trust you.”

“I know," Phil said, hand shaking on top of Dan's, "but I trusted him too." 

"NO Phil," Dan sobbed, tears leaking everywhere. "No no no, this isn't, it's not the same, Phil please...you're not him, I don't care if we're the same ages you were, Phil, please why do you think that you could hurt me?" 

“I wouldn’t ever hurt you on purpose Bear,” Phil sobbed, "But like...you're so much younger...like I was...I worry that you might just do whatever I want…I don’t want to push you like he pushed me.”

“You won’t! Remember today, we said we’d always ask each other, so we won’t ever have that,” Dan said, and looked up at Phil. His arm was extended out to be touching Dan's hand, but the rest of his body looked like it was melting into the floor. Shit...Dan had never seen him look so sad.  “Phil, I, when you were upset today, I didn’t realise, I’m so sorry I thought this was to do with me or when you were bullied at school,” Dan said, incredibly guilt gripping his stomach. He hated that he’d been so ignorant, that he hadn’t thought Phil’s hesitation with spontaneously kissing Dan and fear of hurting him and come from a past own bad relationship.

“But it is about that too," Phil said, voice sounding empty of emotional. “Because…it’s because like…I was like you, and it was all happening at the same time….it was like us….how like…I would…like talk to him about it."

Oh no

Oh no

He talked to his older boyfriend about the bullies at school.

Dan talked to Phil about the bullies at school.

He thought this was going to end…however it ended.

No

 “Wait,…you feel like it’s the same but now you’re the older one?” Dan cried.

Phil nodded.

_No_

_Phil_

“I promise I’m not just using you…I love you Bear,” Phil said quietly.

Using him?

_Using him…_

What the fuck had this dickhead done to Phil?

No. NO

Why had this happened to Phil?  
  
This was so unfair...he was Phil..

Nooooo

“He didn't love me...but, I hope you know, that I do really love you,” Phil sobbed.

“I know that you love me,” Dan sobbed. His heart was pumping faster than ever...in equal parts of agony for Phil and fury at whoever had hurt him this bad. Phil was the loveliest person in the world...and some guy out there had completely destroyed him. "I'm really really sorry Phil," Dan sobbed.

"It's not your fault," Phil sobbed.

"You know..like it's not your fault Phil," Dan said.

They sat in silence for a long time. Long enough for Dan to feel like he’d simply run out of any more tears to shed. Long enough for him to forget Phil’s hand was resting on his. Long enough, for Dan to forget what he’d even said before their silence started.

"I know," Phil said. "I thought it was for a really long time. But I know now it’s not. I just really don't want to be anything like him." 

"Phil, no no,” Dan said. “you're not. Phil, I realise our situation is similar in someways," Dan sobbed, wondering if there were more similarities than Dan knew.

“I don’t want to be him,” Phil sobbed again, “I don’t want you to feel like I did.”

“Phil, I don’t..” Dan said, begging for him to understand. “Look, with us kissing, Phil I feel completely comfortable, and when we get to hugging and...later stuff, I’ll always let you know, and you can always let me know, and we’ll both be comfortable,” Dan said.  
  
“Okay,” Phil said, but he still looked upset, "but what if I betray you like he betrayed me?" 

"Well you're not planning to…are you?" Dan asked, pretty sure he knew what the answer was but still slightly worried.

"No! No never,' 

"See then you won't," Dan said, and Phil nodded but didn't say anything.  “Phil is…is there anything I can do, like in our relationship to help?” 

“Oh Bear, you already do everything you possibly could," Phil said.

“Um, okay, well…if you think of anything, please let me know” Dan said.

“Thankyou,” Phil said quietly.

“But like, you know if you’re not ready to kiss or anything, we don’t have to just because I want to,” Dan said, increasingly worried about Phil. What if he was worried Dan would hurt him the same way the other guy had? "I don't want to hurt you either." 

“Bear, you're too lovely you couldn't hurt anyone," Phil said. "And...with the other stuff, I do really like kissing you, and holding your hand.”

“Oh shit,” Dan said, his blood running cold, “Phil…at the hospital…I told you to hold my hand, and you kept hesitating, shit, oh my god, I'm so so sorry-" 

“No!" Phil interrupted him. "Bear that was different, I wasn’t uncomfortable” Phil shook his head quickly, “I was worried since you were injured.”

“Oh thank god, if I’d forced you-“

“Bear I’m not scared of touching with  _you_. I feel absolutely completely comfortable with you, I promise,” Phil said.

“Okay, I’m glad,” Dan sighed. He wasn’t sure what to make of all this. Phil was so much more complex that he’d realised. Not that he ever thought he wasn’t complicated…he was just beginning to realise there was so much of Phil he still didn’t know about.

“But like you’ll tell me right? If your not comfortable?“

“Thankyou Bear,” Phil said. “You’re so nice to me, and I’m just really really sorry about being so upset and probably really confusing today. Especially with everything going on in your mind.  You’re a really incredible person, and just like the contrast with him, it just sort of hit me a bit today,” Phil sighed. “I don’t usually think about it this much…but I do want to tell you everything, it’s just hard to relive when it’s usually buried in the back of my mind”

“Phil, thankyou for telling me,” Dan said.

“Oh, I feel like I haven’t told you anything,” Phil sighed, “and I’ve been so upset, you’re probably more confused than ever.”

“Phil you told me so much, thankyou, really, I know this is all complicated, so if you just want to tell me small bits at a time, then that’s fine, that’s really great, actually,” Dan said, hoping one day he’d be able to understand the whole story, although simultaneously dreading to know just how bad Phil had been hurt.

"Thanks Bear, you're so great," Phil said, looking teary again

 “I'm really sorry if I asked too many questions,” Dan said, feeling suddenly awful that he might have made Phil say more than he was ready to

“No, you didn’t, I promise. You can ask more, not tonight…I think we both should sleep, but you can always ask,” Phil said. “I really love you Bear,” Phil said, his voice breaking on Bear.

“I know, and I love you too,” Dan smiled.

“Well, before a get your Dad,” Phil said, “Um, would you like a goodnight kiss?” 

“That would be nice,” Dan blushed, and Phil’s lips pressed against his. They felt warmer now, the kiss felt lighter, and Dan wished it could last for hours but Phil quickly pulled away.

“Bear…um thanks for thinking to come check on me,” Phil said looking down, “I'm glad, really really glad that I could talk to you about this. I feel better about it now," Phil said.

“Oh, that’s good,” Dan sighed, not sure he'd been much help at all. 

“It really has, thankyou, sometimes I feel like I really don’t deserve you,” Phil said.

“I feel the same way about you most of the time,” 

“Oh!” Phil blushed, “Well um…I guess this is goodnight again,” 

“Oh yeah,” Dan sighed, wondering how all of this had happened in a single night. This time last night he hadn’t even kissed Phil yet…

“I love you,” 

“I love you too.”

“Everything okay?” his Dad asked tentatively, once Dan was assembled back on the couch, with his casts and head supported by their usual pillows.

“We're okay," Dan said, not able to get anymore words out.

"Is Phil?" 

Dan wasn't really sure if Phil was okay. He seemed better than when Dan had come in...but Dan's heart was simultaneously sinking and exploding thinking about the fact Phil had been so hurt in the past. He said it was buried in his mind most of the time, but was it? Phil always seemed so strong but maybe deep down... Dan wasn't sure how much this was still affecting him. 

"I hope so," Dan sighed, "I really really hope so."   

 


	30. Chapter 30

“Dan, wake up, it’s time for your tablets,” his Dad whispered. Dan opened his eyes in a state of confusion. Why wasn’t Phil waking him up like normal?

“Where’s Phil?” Dan asked.

“Shh, Phil’s asleep,” his Dad said quickly, waving a hand towards the armchair. Dan glanced over and saw Phil curled up in the armchair and his heart melted a bit to see him look so cute while sleeping. “He wanted to be here for when you woke up, but honestly, he seemed exhausted. I’m not sure he got much sleep last night, might be best to leave him.”  
  
“Yeah, don't wake him,” Dan whispered, heart suddenly aching as the events from the previous night flooded into his mind. Poor Phil. Had he slept at all? Had thoughts of the guy who hurt him so much taken over his brain?

His Dad fed him his breakfast and medication, an then helped him use the bathroom, and Dan returned to find that Phil was still asleep in the armchair. His knees were folded to his chest, arms hanging loosely around them, his hair was tousled and his glasses were crooked.  Dan felt like he could just stare at him for hours, unable to take his eyes off his sleepy boyfriend.

"I just have to take a quick phone call, call out if you need me," his Dad said.

"Okay," Dan said, eyes still resting on a sleeping Phil. 

He looked so peaceful now, but Dan's heart ached to remember how upset he'd been last night. By the end of the conversation, Phil seemed to realise that he wouldn't accidentally hurt Dan, but it made Dan terrified to imagine why Phil was so scared of that in the first place. What had his ex-boyfriend done to him? If Phil had been scared of betraying Dan, of pushing him, or using him...did that mean his ex-boyfriend had done all those things to Phil? Phil had been so insistent on making sure Dan was comfortable kissing him, telling him he didn't want Dan to feel like his ex-boyfriend had made him feel. Dan felt a surge of anger, what the fuck was wrong with that guy? It seemed that Phil had been uncomfortable with his boyfriend kissing him, or even touching him, which made Dan wonder if Phil had ever loved the guy of if he’d just been scared the whole time. Or was he just scared with what happened at the end?

Dan’s thoughts were interrupted by Phil suddenly muttering in his sleep. At first, it was just unintelligible sounds, but then his voice became louder and Dan could make out every word.  

“Stop,” Phil mumbled, “stop lying,” Phil said. Was Phil having a bad dream? Dan wondered if this is what he sounded like to Phil whenever he was in the middle of his own nightmares.

“Stop. Please stop,” Phil said, and Dan’s heart clenched to hear the unmistakable sound of fear in Phil’s voice. Was he dreaming of what happened to him? Dan felt sick to think about what might be happening in his dream.

“No…no…you’re scaring me Dan,” Phil said and Dan’s heart felt like it stopped.

Dan? The dream was about him? And Phil was scared of him in the dream? Did that mean he was scared Dan would do whatever his ex-boyfriend had done? He sounded so scared. What was happening in his dream? Dan wasn’t sure if he should try to wake him. He wanted Phil to be free from the dream, but he was worried that he would wake up disorientated and seeing Dan might only make him more scared.

“No you’re not,” Phil said. “I hate you Dan.”

Dan felt like his heart was being ripped in half. A wave a shock coursed through his body as the words repeated themselves in Dan’s mind. _I hate you Dan I hate you Dan I hate you Dan._ It had to just be a bad string of words. Or perhaps Phil was saying it in a playful way, people who loved each other often did that, Dan tried to reason, but he couldn’t forget the fear in Phil’s voice when he had said it.

“No, I hate you,” Phil said again, and Dan felt tears falling out of his eyes.

Why would Phil say he hated him? Dan was beginning to feel a sense of panic in his chest. What if Phil did hate him? _Phil loves me_ Dan tried to tell himself. Phil always told him he loved him. He had to love him. But…why would he say he hated him? _He’s dreaming_ Dan tried to remind himself. Anything could be happening in the dream. Perhaps in the dream, Dan had just told Phil he hated him too. Phil couldn’t hate Dan….it was a dream…he had to love him…

“I don’t Dan, I don’t love you,” Phil said, as if he could hear Dan’s thoughts.

It felt like agony, like every part of his body was being ripped into pieces. Dan couldn’t tell himself anything anymore. Perhaps there was an explanation for Phil saying itt...but Dan was too upset to be rational. Phil had just said he didn't love him. The words kept echoing in his mind, stabbing at his heart every time.

_I don’t love you. I don’t love you. I don’t love you._

At some point Dan had started crying, and he couldn’t hold it back. He couldn’t escape the words, he couldn’t escape the sound of Phil saying he didn’t love him. He couldn’t hear anything over his sobs. His heart ached. He couldn't stop crying. He was sweating, shaking, wondering if anything mattered now if Phil didn't love him. He was crying so much he couldn’t breathe.

“Bear what’s wrong? Bear please tell me,” Phil said, suddenly at his side. When had Phil woken up? How long had he heard Dan crying? “Bear, you need to breathe, breathe in, please, ” Phil begged him. “Bear say something or I’m calling an ambulance, please,”

“You don’t love me?” Dan said, choking as he tried to get the words out.

“What?” Phil said, sounding shocked. “Bear I love you more than anything.”

 _I love you more than anything._ Dan felt air enter his lungs again. He did love him. But even with Phil’s new words, Dan couldn’t rid the old ones from his mind. He was still crying, still couldn’t shake the thought of the awful words in his mind.

“Bear, why...why would you say that?” Phil asked, disbelief running through his voice.

“You…said…you did…in your sleep,” Dan sobbed. Phil’s face suddenly went very pale, and Dan noticed for the first time that Phil’s entire body was shaking.

 “What did I say?” Phil said. He sounded terrified, his voice far more fearful than it had been while sleep talking.

“I hate you Dan…Dan I don’t love you,“ Dan sobbed, still so clearly be able to hear Phil saying those things in his mind.

“NO!” Phil gasped. “No no no no no no no no Bear. It’s not what you think,” Phil said desperately. “Bear I do love you, I’ll always love you,” Phil sobbed, his voice frantic, "I could never hate you. I love you," 

“But why would you say that?” Dan asked, still crying, wondering what circumstances in a dream would cause Phil to say those things if they weren’t true.

“Because it wasn’t about you,” Phil sobbed. “I said Dan...but it wasn’t you…it was him…his name was Dan.”

Phil’s ex-boyfriend’s name was Dan? The one who hurt Phil so much was also called Dan? Dan could hear Phil was still speaking, but Dan was now lost in his own thoughts, an incredible feeling of guilt washing over him. He wished his name wasn't Dan. How could Phil manage having a second boyfriend named Dan, after the first one hurt him so much? Dan could hear Phil apologizing over and over again, and felt even more guilty. Of course Phil would never say he hated him…of course he knew Phil loved him. Why had he let himself get so upset by what Phil had said while sleeping?

 “…so so sorry, I love you Bear,” Phil cried. “I can’t imagine how it must have felt to hear me say that. I love you so much, and anything I said was about him…not you. I would never ever hate you, and I’m so sorry you had to hear that, I’m so so sorry,” Phil said.

“Phil, it’s okay,” Dan said, although he was still crying himself. He shouldn’t have let the words from Phil’s dream get to him so much, he should have waited for Phil’s explanation. Now Dan felt like crying just because he’d been so stupid to be upset, and wanted to tear his heart out at the sight of Phil shaking so much.

“You thought…I didn’t love…” Phil couldn’t finish the sentence.

“No, it wasn't like that, I just got scared,” Dan said quickly, knowing that the terrified part of him had taken over his mind. If he'd thought about it for a second, he would have known. “It was just scary to hear you say it.”

“I think I would die if I heard you say that,” Phil sobbed, “you must have-“

“I’m fine Phil, I was a bit shocked but, it’s not your fault,” Dan said, trying to stop crying. He didn’t even know what he was crying over anymore.

“It is my fault, I should have told you his name was Dan-“

“It’s okay,” Dan said.

“I love you Bear,” Phil said, and suddenly a huge realization dawned on Dan.

“Wait, Phil, is this why you always call me Bear?” Dan asked, not sure why he hadn’t thought anything of it before.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry,” Phil sobbed, although Dan had no idea what he was apologising for now. Was he apologising for calling him Bear? Or still for the things he said in his sleep? Or that his ex-boyfriends name was Dan?

“Phil, um, you have nothing to be sorry for,” Dan said. “I like how you call me Bear, and I know you love me. I’m sorry that my name is Dan."

“No, no,” Phil shook his head quickly and looked up at Dan. “I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry I call you Bear…I know it’s too much,” Phil sobbed.

“No it’s not,” Dan told him, wondering why Phil felt bad about calling him Bear. “Phil I like that you call me Bear, honestly.”

Phil didn’t seem to be listening to him, continuing off on his own trains of thought.

“It was just…when you said, that it was your old nickname, in our old skype call,” Phil sobbed, “I know you don’t believe in fate or anything but I felt like you told me that for a reason,” Phil sobbed, “it was so easy…and in my mind your name just…just became Bear.”

“That’s okay,” Dan said, wishing he could make Phil see there was nothing to be sorry for.

“I’m sorry...” Phil said again. “It’s just a name, but I don’t want to think of him..I just want to think of you. I kept trying, sometimes I try, and sometimes it’s okay, but sometimes when I say Dan I just can’t help but think of him too, when it’s Bear it’s just you,” Phil said.

“Phil you don’t worry about this,” Dan said, “you can call me Bear when you want to, and if you want to call me Dan when you can then that’s great too. Phil, I don’t mind, really,” Dan told him.

“Are you sure?” Phil asked quietly.

“Phil I’ve actually always really like how you had a special name just for me,” Dan told him.

“Really?” Phil asked, no tears dripping down his cheeks for the first time in a while.

“Really Phil. It was always kind of nice…like at school people would be yelling my name among curse words all day, it was nice to have you call me something else.”

“Oh,” Phil said, blushing.

“See nothing to be sorry for,” Dan said.

“I wasn’t sure if you found it annoying,” Phil said.

“Oh wait, is that why you were so upset the other day?”

“When?” Phil asked, looking lost.

“When I asked if you’re parents knew my name was Dan.”

“Oh…yeah…” Phil said slowly.

“Do they know his name was Dan?” Dan asked.

“Well…they um,” Phil said slowly, drawing his legs to his chest and looking scared.

“Phil it’s okay, you don’t have to answer that,” Dan said quickly, regretting asking the question.

“I’m sorry…it’s not…I’m not hiding it from you,” Phil said, now crying again, “it’s complicated…it’s just…too hard to explain right now.”

“That’s okay, how about, if I ask you a hard question again, instead of feeling bad, you can just say, _not yet Bear._ ”

“Okay,” Phil said with a small smile. “You’re so nice to me,” Phil said and then burst into tears. Phil cried for a while, although Dan wasn’t quite sure of the exact cause of his distress, or if it was just a combination of everything on his mind.  Dan wanted to comfort him, but since trying to comfort him had caused him to cry even more, Dan was lost on what to do.

 “Phil is there anything I can do to help?” Dan asked and Phil shook his head and kept crying. Dan felt so helpless watching him cry, tears leaking out of his own eyes at times, just to see Phil so upset.

He expected Phil’s hysteria was in part due to lack of sleep, and generally exhausted emotionally after thinking about his old boyfriend last night. Dan was pretty sure Phil hadn’t slept at all, save for the hour or two in the armchair. Dan felt so guilty seeing Phil cry so much. He wished he hadn’t been so upset at Phil’s words. Dan sighed, hating to admit Phil’s words were still echoing in his mind. He knew they weren’t true, well weren’t about him, but his heart still hurt every time he thought about them. He should have waited for Phil’s inevitable rational explanation, and then perhaps Phil wouldn’t be quite so upset either.

After a while Phil’s tears seemed to slow, and Phil stood up to get some tissues, sighing as he sat back down and wiped his eyes and his glasses, which were covered in tears as well. 

“I’m sorry,” Phil said after a while, “I hate falling apart in front of you like that.”

“You’re allowed to fall apart” Dan said.

“I know you’re dealing with so much,’ Phil said sadly. “I just wish I could be strong for you,” Phil said, more tears now falling out of his eyes.

“Phil, you’re so strong,” Dan said. “And you’re dealing with so much too,”

“But this is all from the past,” Phil said. “I just…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be crying this much in front of you, I keep getting scared you’re going to panic,”

“Phil it’s okay,” Dan said. “Like, thank you for being concerned about me, but when we’re not talking about…well Ryan…I’m fine, really,” Dan assured him.

“But you were barely breathing before,” Phil said, tears leaking out of his eyes as he looked at Dan.

“Oh,” Dan sighed, “well um…that was different.”  

“You thought I said I hated you,” Phil said, tears falling down his cheeks again.

“No…I um…just got scared,” Dan sighed.

“Of course you did,” Phil sobbed.

“No I should have waited, I knew there would be an explanation-“

“But you still had to hear me say it,” Phil sobbed, "I hurt you," Phil said, loud hysterical sobs following.

“No you didn't Phil, please don't say that, I'm okay," Dan said quickly.

"I'm...just...like...him," Phil sobbed.

"No. You're. Not." Dan said firmly. "Phil this was an accident."

"I accidentally hurt you," Phil sobbed.

"No I'm not hurt, I'm fine," Dan assured him.

"What if you'd passed out?" Phil cried.

"I didn't."

"You were so upset."

"Because I didn't think about it properly. Phil! You didn't hurt me I just-" 

"You thought I didn't love you," Phil sobbed.

"Phil trust me, I know you love me," Dan said. "You wouldn't be here if you weren't, you wouldn't have spent the past 9 months skyping me for five hours a day, you wouldn't have sent me 20 messages a day with reasons why you love me. Phil. I. Know. You. Love. Me." 

“But you got scared that I didn't," Phil sobbed, not seeming to have taken in any of Dan's words. "I love you Bear," Phil said, sounding desperate. 

“I know Phil, and I love you too.”

“I'm so sorry I hurt you again," Phil sobbed.

"You didn't Phil," Dan said, not sure what else he could say to convince Phil. 

"I love you so much, I'm so sorry Bear," Phil sobbed.

“Phil I know you didn’t mean to.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Phil said sadly, “You still were worried I didn’t love you.”

“It was just hard hearing it,” Dan tried to explain, but he couldn’t really even explain it to himself. “Well it was a bit of a shock, but like…I sort of knew, like I did know you love me.”

“I do,” Phil said.

“Don’t say that or my Dad will think we’re practicing for our wedding,” Dan joked, just wanting to make Phil smile again.

“I want to marry you, I love you so much,” Phil said, although the usual tone he used for joking about marriage wasn’t present.

“Phil, it’s okay, I know that you love me, you don’t have to say such big things,” Dan said.

“Wait, wait, I have something for you,” Phil said standing up suddenly.

“I was going to give this to you tomorrow, for your birthday, but I think now will be better,” Phil said as he returned to the room and Dan looked down to see him holding a small black box. _Shit no, they were meant to be jokes. Phil couldn’t propose!_ Phil sat down on the couch beside Dan, and Dan felt himself sweating looking at the unmistakable ring box.

“Phil stop, I know you love me, but-,”

“This isn’t an engagement ring,” Phil interrupted him, and let out a small laugh.

“Oh right,” Dan blushed, feeling like an idiot. Oh well, at least he’d made Phil laugh.  

“Please, I’d need a few hundred thousand pounds to afford the engagement ring you deserve,” Phil said, no longer crying.

“Right,’ Dan said, trying not to turn anymore red.

“Bear, um, so I got you this because um,” Phil’s hands were shaking as he held the box. “You don’t have to wear it, and the marriage thing is a joke,” Phil paused. “I just wanted you to know that um, I really love you. I um...I get so scared of being him...and I thought if I gave you this you could always know that I do love you, and I would never plan to hurt you. It's just to say, that um,I will always love you," Phil blushed, as he opened the box to reveal a silver ring with a black band running through the middle. "It a promise ring.”

“Phil,” Dan said, unable to summon any words and trying not to cry.

“It doesn’t mean marriage,” Phil said quickly. “It just a promise that I’ll always love you.”

“Phil can you kiss me?” Dan asked, and Phil quickly leaned in and met his lips with an incredible emotional charge, as if he was pouring all his emotions into Dan. The kiss was soft and tender, but passionate and powerful at the same time. The kiss was much longer than normal, Phil not seeming in any rush to pull away this time, and they seemed to fall into the perfect rhythm, and Dan could think of nothing but how much he loved Phil, and it seemed Phil was thinking the same thing of Dan, as when he finally pulled away he gave his usual giggle and whispered.

“I love you Bear, I promise I always will ” Phil said, wiping a tear away.

“I promise I’ll always love you too,” Dan said, smiling and trying not to cry himself. “Could you put it on me?”

“Oh, sure,” Phil blushed. He took the ring out of its box and Dan’s heart was racing as he placed a hand under Dan’s, then used the other to gently slide the ring on Dan’s finger. “I was meant to give you a letter with it but I haven’t finished, so um, I’ll give that to you tomorrow, on your actual birthday” Phil said sheepishly.

“Phil when did you have time to get this?” Dan asked, admiring the way it looked on his finger. If it weren’t for Dan’s time in hospital, Phil wouldn’t even be with Dan for his birthday.

“I bought it a while ago,” Phil sighed. “I was going to give it to you in Manchester…I wasn’t sure…like I was going to tell you about what happened with um…with him and everything, since like...it's just our relationship was so similar in ways, and I wanted you to know I would never do that to you,” Phil said sadly. “I sort of just chucked it in my bag when I came since I had no idea if,” Phil looked away and paused for a moment. “Anyway, I figured I’d give it to you as a birthday present, and then well, now seemed appropriate.”

“It’s so perfect Phil,” Dan said, eyes still glued to the ring, unable to believe Phil had just given it to him, with the promise that he’d always love him.

“I love you Bear,” Phil said.

“I’m sorry I don’t have a ring for you,” Dan sighed, looking down at Phil’s bare fingers. “You know I’ll always love you right?”

“Bear, I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me,’ Phil said, then giggled as he saw Dan blush.

“Well…um…I’ll get you a ring someday.”

“Is that you saying you’re gonna propose first?” Phil laughed as Dan blushed harder.  

“Just kidding Bear,” Phil laughed. “I’m glad you like it,”

“I do,” Dan assured him.

“Now who sounds like they’re practicing for-“

“Shut up,” Dan laughed.

“Well I suppose if we’re not talking, maybe you want to kiss again?”

“Sure,” Dan laughed, as Phil’s lips met his again.

Phil’s voice ran through his mind: _I love you Bear, I promise I always will._ Even though he could the words in Phil’s voice in his mind, it was hard to believe Phil had really said that.  The tears Dan had been holding back finally fell.

“Hey you okay?” Phil asked, pulling away from Dan for a moment.

“Yeah,” Dan smiled, “I just can’t believe this is all real.”  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to take a short break (probably about a week) from this, as I've been really exhausted and need to sort a few things out. Don't worry, I will definitely be back! I'm so excited about the upcoming chapters, so I'll see you then :D


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back to writing :D Thanks for your patience in waiting for this chapter!!!   
> I hope you enjoy it <3

It took Dan’s brain a while to process the events of the morning. Between the agony he’d felt at hearing the words Phil said about the other Dan, to Phil giving him a promise ring and telling him he’d always love him, it was hard to think straight. At times the words Phil said about the other Dan would run through his mind, making his heart ache for a moment. But then he’d glance down to the ring Phil had given him and be filled with warmth again, which would be superseded by this incredible love for Phil, and it would hit him again how lucky he was to have Phil sitting right beside him.

They were silent for a while, Dan feeling too many emotions to put into words, and perhaps Phil felt the same way too. Dan’s heart started racing every time he remembered that Phil promised he would always love him. He knew always was a big word, but the thing was…he knew that he would always love Phil too. Perhaps their love would change, perhaps they would grow apart (although Dan shuddered to think about it), but the fact was that Phil had helped Dan too much, and been too big a part of his life for Dan to ever not love him. The only thing that could change that is if Phil wanted to hurt him in some way, but he never would, he trusted that, so Dan knew that he too would always love Phil.

“What are you thinking there?” Phil smiled at Dan’s silence.

“Oh,” Dan blushed, having momentarily forgotten Phil was sitting right beside him. “Just that like…I know I’ll always love you too.”

“Aww,” Phil said, a slight blush rising to his cheeks as well. 

 “What do I say about this to my Dad?” Dan wondered aloud. As much as his Dad seemed to like Phil, he had no idea what he would make of Phil giving him a promise ring.

“Oh!” Phil exclaimed then laughed. “Sorry I should have told you, I kind of already told him about it. Well asked him actually,” Phil added quietly.

“What did he say?” Dan asked, feeling weird to think of them having that conversation about without him. “Wait what did you even say?”

“I just asked if he thought it would be okay if I gave it to you, I mean I explained it wasn’t really a commitment thing, just an I love you thing,” Phil said with a small smile.

“And he said?”

“He said he thought it was a nice idea, so long as I was sure I could keep any promises I made, and I said I could,” Phil smiled.

 “Did he say anything else?” Dan asked.

“Er,” Phil laughed. “Well actually he said…he said _honestly Phil you have my permission to marry him_ -”

“No!” Dan said, feeling warmth flood his cheeks again.

“But then he burst out laughing so I’m pretty sure he was joking,” Phil said, with a small laugh himself.

“Pretty sure?” Dan said, his voice coming out higher than he would have expected.

“He was Bear,” Phil laughed, “although maybe I should pretend I thought he was serious so I don’t have to face asking for when I do propose.”

“Phil!” Dan said, blushing harder again.

“I kind of see why your Dad likes joking about it when you have that reaction every time,” Phil laughed and Dan scowled.

Dan spent a lot of the rest of the day sleeping, waking to his usual set of awful nightmares, relying on Phil’s calming words to stop him from panicking. In the times he was awake, Phil didn’t mention anything about Ryan nor anything about his past with the other Dan, instead he spending most of the time pacing around the room reciting what seemed to be the whole year's worth of linguistics knowledge. Dan had no idea what he was talking about most of the time, but he sounded so excited while talking about it Dan didn’t even mind. Plus, Dan figured it was probably helping him study for his exams, so he tried to listen, although his mind had a tendency to wander off to other places.

Dan had so many questions about what had happened to Phil with his ex-boyfriend…or the other Dan as he referred to him in his mind. Even though Phil said he could ask anything about what had happened to him, Dan didn’t want to make Phil upset again by bringing it up, especially since he suddenly seemed in a really cheerful mood. As well as that…part of him was too scared to ask more about it, to find out just how bad it really was. There were so many terrifying possibilities in his mind, but for the moment he was able to tell himself that they probably didn’t happen. However, when it came time for Phil to tell him what actually happened, Dan had no idea how he’d cope.

It occurred to Dan that it was strange Phil even began talking to him on twitter in the first place, with his name being Dan. It was even stranger that Phil had replied to a tweet where Dan had practically called him his boyfriend…  If Dan had been in Phil’s position, he would have been too paranoid to even interact with a person named Dan or send them, what was in retrospect, a particularly flirty tweet. Perhaps Phil hadn’t realised his name was Dan when he sent it, but surely, he must have realised afterwards…

“Bear?” Phil said, suddenly sitting down beside him.

“What?” Dan asked, realising he hadn’t heard a word of what Phil said in a while.

“I was just saying you’re probably tired of hearing all this,” Phil laughed.

“Oh no, Phil it’s nice hearing you so excited, I was just thinking, sorry,” Dan said quickly.

“Don’t apologise,” Phil laughed, “I wasn’t really expecting you to be concentrating or anything. Anyway, I’m tired of talking about this. Let’s talking about something else, what were you thinking about?”

 “I was sort of thinking about…” Dan began, feeling nervous. Should he tell Phil what he was thinking? He didn’t want to upset Phil, but there was probably no harm in asking. Well, at least he hoped just asking wouldn’t upset him.

“I guess I was just thinking more about what you’ve told me,” Dan admitted. “I was wondering, you can say no, would it be okay if I asked you something about it all? Well, it’s not about him…more about us, actually.”

“Of course Bear, you can ask anything anytime,” Phil said gently.

“Well, it’s just…” Dan sighed, not sure how to ask Phil about it. “When you first replied to me on twitter, you replied to a tweet where I told you people at school were calling you my boyfriend. Then you replied being like, woah how did that happen, so I said how but then you said: _well I wouldn’t mind a boyfriend right now if you know what I mean,”_ Dan blushed, still remembering how excited he’d been by the response.

“Okay I might have been a little flirty,” Phil blushed. “But if I remember correctly you actually tweeted me saying, some kids at school keep calling you my boyfriend _, not that I’d mind,”_ Phil teased.

“Well,” Dan blushed, still not sure why he’d even tweeted that at Phil. “Anyway…then you were talking about how no one would watch Buffy with you and I replied saying I’d watch it with you, and you said you hoped your _boyfriend_ would be happy to watch Buffy with you!”

 “Speaking of, I’m bringing my Buffy box sets with me after my exams and we’re watching it together,” Phil said.

“What?” Dan said, confused by the sudden change of topic.

“You were the one who said you’d watch it with me! You’re not just going to change your mind after I’ve been waiting all these months are you?” Phil teased.

“Ah, I see that’s why I’m your boyfriend, you just wanted someone to watch Buffy with all along.”

“Caught me,” Phil laughed. “It wasn’t your charming personality that made me fall in love with you, just the Buffy thing.”

Dan felt himself blushing again. He couldn’t remember Phil ever calling him charming before…and it kind of warmed Dan’s hear to hear Phil say that’s why he fell in love with him, over anything else.

“Sorry, I dragged us off topic, what were you saying?”  Phil asked.

“Oh right,” Dan said, remembering what they had been talking about “I just wondered why you were so flirty-“

“Hey! You started it Mr-not-that-I’d-mind,” Phil teased.

“Yeah but like, after everything that happened I was just confused why you would say stuff like that to me…like if your ex was called Dan, and, just like how come you were sort of flirting with me? Like  weren’t you scared that my name was Dan?”

“Oh,” Phil said, and suddenly the playfulness in Phil’s voice was completely gone, and his cheeky smile had vanished. Dan watched as his posture crumpled and an air of sadness seemed to instantly surround him.

“Shit. Phil, it’s okay, I didn’t mean-“ Dan began to say, seeing that his questions had actually upset Phil.

“No, Bear,” Phil said quietly. “I really do owe you an explanation on that one. Just…don’t jump to any conclusions before I tell you the whole thing, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan said, knowing he would probably find it hard not to.

“So um,” Phil said nervously, looking down at his hands. “I actually knew who you a long time before I actually replied to you. Like, you tweeted me all the time and commented on all my videos,” Phil sighed.

“Oh, I thought you never noticed,” Dan said, feeling a slight pang of rejection. He’d always thought that Phil would never notice his comments among all the rest…and he really hadn’t even felt like he’d tweeted Phil often enough that he would notice him. But if he had noticed…why hadn’t he replied before? Dan hoped that it was just because is name was Dan…but suddenly he found himself worried that Phil had thought his comments were stupid or that he’d left too many, or he’d thought the jokes in his tweets were stupid.   

“I can see you thinking Bear…it’s not what you think, just hear me out,” Phil begged.

“Okay..sorry,” Dan said, although he still felt himself worrying.

“So, when you first subscribed to me, I didn’t have people subscribe to me that often, so I used to always check all the profiles of people who subscribed to me,” Phil said. “So when I checked yours I was like, of course one of my first subscribers is called Dan. But then since your name was danisnotonfire…I don’t know why but the Dan part, always kind of stuck out in the comments and tweets and stuff,” Phil sighed.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said quietly, suddenly feeling incredibly guilty. “I made you think of him every time, didn’t I?”

“No,” Phil shook his head quickly. “I mean…okay, yes,” Phil sighed. “It’s not your fault, please don’t feel bad,” Phil said. “In the end it was actually a good thing…like really if your name wasn’t Dan we might have never even started talking.”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked.

“Well…you seemed to be everywhere. I’d be like…don’t feel bad or upset or anything…but I’d be like oh no it’s that Dan guy again, the name will follow me forever,” Phil said, looking down at his hands. “But then…well because of that, I also saw whatever you said, and despite your name, the more you tweeted me and the more you commented, well,” Phil smiled and looked up at Dan, “the more I kind of liked you.”  

“Liked me?” Dan asked.

“Not liked you liked you, I just thought you were really funny,” Phil admitted.

“Oh!” Dan said, relieved Phil hadn’t thought everything he’d said was stupid.

“And you know, I’d always go to respond or favourite it, but then your name would be glaring out at me, and then I’d just feel bad vibes,” Phil sighed. “So, in my head, I would be like he seems really funny and cool and I want to be friends, but then I was like no his name is Dan that’s bad luck don’t do it Phil.”

“Wait, you wanted to be friends?” Dan asked. He couldn’t believe Phil had liked him that much…

“Well…I mean I could see all your interests were pretty similar to mine, and you seemed like someone I’d get along with well. So, I was kind of trying to work up the courage to tweet you back, being like it will be fine it doesn’t matter if his names Dan, maybe he could be your best friend!” Phil smiled.

“Best friend, you weren’t thinking boyfriend?” Dan teased.

“No,” Phil laughed. “Okay, I’ll admit there was one time, where I was like, can this guy be my new boyfriend and let me pretend that other Dan didn’t exist.”

“What? When? How long before we started talking?”

“Maybe about three seconds,” Phil laughed. “After I read that tweet where you said the kids at school were calling you their boyfriend, and the not that I’d mind part” Phil laughed.

“I’m confused, did you actually want to be my boyfriend then?” Dan asked, now not sure how serious Phil had been in those tweets.  

“No, I really was just joking” Phil sighed. “I was actually terrified at the idea of actually being in love with anyone else, even liking anyone else. So I have no idea why I even had that thought, or why I even tweeted you what I did,” Phil gave a small smile. “It was a really in the moment thing…like it was just something about the feeling I got reading your tweets and the words kind of just came out on their own,” Phil shrugged. “I can’t even remember what you asked me in the first place. Does that answer it?”   
  
“Yeah,” Dan nodded. “But I guess I’m still wondering why you started skyping me? Like just that you said you used to talk to him about bullying, and then you offered to talk to me about being bullied…and if you knew we had the same age gap…” Dan sighed, not even sure what he was trying to say.

“Oh, I see what you’re saying Bear,” Phil said, but didn’t speak for a few minutes, seeming lost in thought for a moment. “When I offered to skype you, it was really out of wanting to help you with …things at school. I wasn’t thinking about anything other than that, well I did want to be friends, but I wasn’t interested in dating you yet, so I guess the parallels to my old relationship didn’t even hit me until after we’d skyped for a few days…and after I already had a big crush on you,” Phil said.

“Wait,” Dan said, the events suddenly flooding back into his mind. Phil had only offered to talk to Dan about bullying because Ryan had tweeted Phil from Dan’s account. He’d forgotten how Ryan had used Dan accounts to tweet the awful messages _fuck off you’re not my boyfriend you faggot_ to Phil, and Dan suddenly felt like crying as he realised how Ryan’s tweet must have seemed from Phil’s perspective. “No, fuck!! Fuck fuck!”  
  
“Bear you okay?” Phil said, looking terrified.

“Ryan! That tweet Phil! Fuck!” Dan said, feeling nauseas and panicky just thinking about the way Ryan and his friends had pushed Dan away from the computer in the library and tweeted that to Phil, and how guilty he'd felt at the time.  What had Phil thought at that message? He’d spent so long working up the courage to tweet Dan back…and then he would have got that message a couple days later? He must have been shattered.

“Oh Bear, I’m sorry…I was trying really hard not to make you think about that part,” Phil said sadly. “yes…well…that happened. It’s okay, you messaged me after to explain what happened so I was fine.”

“Phil,” Dan said, feeling tears form in his eyes, realising just how much that probably affected Phil.

“I mean…yes I was upset, but it was okay! Because of it we got to skype and look how happy we are now,” Phil smiled, “Well, most of the time,” Phil sighed, as tears fell down Dan’s face.

“Hey,” Phil said gently, “Don’t worry, I was okay,” Phil said, slowly moving his hand over Dan’s, as if waiting for him to tell him to stop.

“Please hold my hand Phil,” Dan asked, when he realised Phil was still waiting.

“Listen Bear, it happened ages ago,” Phil said, as he slid his hand inside Dan’s.

“But…at the time, Phil…what were you thinking?” Dan asked, trying not to burst into endless tears.  

“I was more annoyed at myself,” Phil said slowly. “I was sort of like...serves me right for trying to talk to someone called Dan. Serves me right for flirting, serves me right for thinking for a second there was someone out there who could make me forget about the other Dan,” Phil sighed, and Dan felt his heart beat faster.

“You thought I could do that?” Dan asked. He’d had no idea that his tweets and comments had meant so much to Phil…

“I mean…I had wanted to talk to you for a while…and I kept thinking it wouldn’t work out, but then it seemed like we could become friends after I finally tweeted you. You know, when we were joking about watching buffy together…I just felt a lot better about everything. Because… you see I hadn’t flirted or even had the slightest yearning to get to know anyone after it all went bad. I sort of just accepted it as a fact that I would never be close with anyone again,” Phil sighed. “But like, joking with you felt so easy, and suddenly I really wanted to get to know you, and your name was Dan, and I was like I can put this behind me, things can be great…. which was really stupid since I knew barely anything about you, but um, I don’t know, it was just this feeling,” Phil blushed.

“Phil,” Dan said, not knowing what to say, more tears falling out of his eyes…his first tweets with Phil had literally given Phil that much hope that he’d felt like could move on from what had happened? Dan felt so flattered...yet then he remembered “But then Ryan crushed that feeling,” Dan said, crying again.

“A little bit,” Phil admitted. “I mean, it was only for a couple hours, once you explained anything I just felt awful that I’d believed the nice guy from all my youtube comments all the other tweets could say that,’ Phil said, frowning at the way Dan was still crying. "Bear...trust me, in a weird way I think it's actually a good thing that it happened,"

"How?" Dan said, trying to stop crying. 

"Because Bear...when you messaged me explaining what happened, I realised that you thought so much like I used to think...like blaming yourself for what happened. You seemed so alone, and I thought: I can help him! But if weren't for that reason to start talking... I'm not sure I would have had the courage to ask to skype you,” Phil said. "And then we fell in love...so it turned out great, right?" Phil smiled. 

“But when you did start liking me, were you scared the whole time? Was I just reminding you of everything bad that happened?” Dan asked.

“Well Bear…this sort of might take a while to explain, maybe we should have dinner, and maybe you should sleep a bit and I can tell you the rest later,”

“Okay,” Dan, knowing that he should have a rest before hearing about how Phil felt at other points in his relationship. Besides, tears were still leaking out if his eyes…he knew Phil was fine, and he knew what had happened wasn’t his fault, but he still felt so bad for Phil, and bad he hadn't known just how scared Phil had been. 

“Can I wipe those tears away for you?” Phil asked gently. 

“Okay,” Dan said, as Phil fetched a tissue box. “Your scratches and things are looking a lot better,” Phil smiled, after he’d finished wiping away the tears.

“Oh, are they?” Dan asked. He hadn’t actually looked in the mirror for days.

“Yeah, they look much happier,” Phil smiled.

“Happier?” Dan laughed.

“Yeah, they looked so angry before, like all red and swollen, now they just look happier!” Phil insisted.

“Okay Phil,” Dan laughed.

“Should I hold your hand while you rest?” Phil asked gently.

“The whole time I’m sleeping? Won’t you get bored?”

“I think I’ll be okay,” Phil smiled.

“Can I get a kiss before I go to sleep?” Dan said, blushing as he asked.

Phil kissed him, and Dan had only just begun to marvel at how soft his lips were before Phil pulled away and he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already drafted the next chapter so it will be up in a couple days! :D


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter ended up long! But it has loads of Phil answers :)

“You asked when I started liking you,” Phil said, once Dan had rested and eaten dinner. “In hindsight…I really did like you from that very first skype call. I remember you moved away from the camera to go get dinner and in my mind I was like: no, don’t leave me!” Phil said with a small smile. “But I kept telling myself it was just that I liked you being my friend…even though I was thinking about you constantly,” Phil said. “Anyway, since we were talking a lot, my friends kept asking who I was talking to, and they were convinced it was a more than friend kind of thing, which I guess it kind of was. So one time I was in a lecture texting you, and I hadn’t realised my friend was watching the whole time, and I looked up and he was like: flirting much? So, I told him I was just being nice and didn’t like you like that, and he was like are you sure? And I said yes but he just smirked and suddenly I was like panic panic panic panic what if I do like him?”

Phil sighed then asked “Would it be okay if I did that thing on the back of your hand?”

"Yeah," Dan smiled, and Phil began tracing his fingers over the back of Dan’s hand like he often did, and Dan suddenly realised Phil probably found it just as calming as he did.

“I probably seemed really weird in our skype call that day Bear, you kept asking if I was okay, and I kept saying I was just tired. But every time you asked…your voice was so gentle and your eyes were so wide with concern…and it just made my heart beat faster and I was like oh no oh no oh no: maybe I do like him? Then I found myself dreaming of you, and I’d wake wishing I could just cuddle you…and I kept finding my mind would wander to planning dates with you,” Phil laughed. “Every time I realised what I’d been thinking, I tried to tell myself I was only thinking that because he had put the idea in my head, and I’d reason that I was just thinking of you a lot because you were my friend. But then we’d be talking, and every time you’d say something cute my heart would flutter and I’d want to dive through the screen and hug you and kiss you,” Phil’s eyes wandered back to Dan’s face and suddenly he blushed as if he’d forgotten Dan was there, “sorry do I sound like a creep?”

“My boyfriend wanting to kiss me? Such a creep,” Dan said sarcastically.

“Well we weren’t exactly dating then!” Phil exclaimed.

“Phil, while you were thinking of kissing me I’m pretty sure I was thinking about our wedding,” Dan said then blushed. “I mean...not in a serious way,” he added.

“Can I kiss you?” Phil asked cheekily, and as soon as Dan said yes he pressed his lips to Dan’s and suddenly warm tingles travelled through Dan’s entire body.

“That’s my fantasy achieved, now we need to start on your wedding one,” Phil giggled.

“PHIL!”

“Hey, you were the one who brought it up this time!” Phil teased.

“Whatever, just continue with your story.”

“Oh yeah,” Phil said, seeming to take a minute to remember where he’d been up to. “So, I guess I admitted that I did like you, but once I’d admitted that like, a whole storm of worries began to take over me,” Phil sighed. “So what I’m about to say is all sort of like what I was thinking in the first couple months….when I didn’t think you liked me, but I still had hope….I mean there was a point where I decided you didn’t but I’ll get to that later,” Phil sighed, and Dan felt super guilty for how hard he’d tried to hide his feelings from Phil.

“So, in those first few months I kept thinking like: he gets so upset when people call me his boyfriend, so if I tell him I like him I’ll just be as bad as all the bullies at his school. Then I worried you’d think I was making fun of you and that you’d be really hurt, and I kept thinking about how I didn’t want to hurt you…” Phil sighed. “Which sort of got me thinking about everything that had happened. To be honest I was still scared and confused myself, like I knew…I knew I was falling in love with you Bear.  I wouldn’t say that I had loved him, but it was really scary to me, because I thought…if that’s how hurt I could get over someone I just liked…falling in love would probably be the worst idea in the world. Especially with someone with the same name,” Phil said sadly. “But even though I was scared, you were just…you, and I couldn’t really not be in love with you. I wasn’t scared you would be anything like the other Dan,” Phil added. “I was just unsettled by the fact it was the same age difference, and I knew you were so reliant on me for emotional support. I knew you needed that since you had no one else, but I was scared I was taking advantage of you because you were so vulnerable, and for a time I really was worried you were falling in love with me. I kept reasoning that if you were, it was different from what happened with me, and I kept telling myself I wouldn’t hurt you. But at the same time I was just like: it’s the same I’m being him, I’m being him…”

Dan knew Phil probably had reasons for everything he was saying…but without knowing what had happened to Phil, Dan couldn’t piece it together. Why had Phil felt worried that he was taking advantage of him, when surely he would have known he was only helping him? If Phil knew he wasn’t planning to hurt Dan…why had he been so worried?

“My thoughts kept changing all the time. One morning I’d be thinking of all the great things and how well we got along and I’d fantasise about dating you again, but then that night I’d be like no Phil! You can’t date him! You’re older and what if you accidentally hurt him? You’re not dating him stop thinking about it! Then I’d be talking to you and you’d be so nice and my heart would flutter, and I think about how much I liked you…then I’d be nooooo what if I’m like Dan? The other one, not you,” Phil clarified. “Then suddenly I’d be thinking about what happened, and I’d think no it’s not the same at all, but then I’d still feel scared I was setting us up for hurting you like he hurt me-“

“Um Phil,“ Dan interrupted, nerves growing as he tried to figure out how to best voice his confusion.  “I’m so sorry, you’re being so open but I’m having trouble, just like understanding what you mean when you say stuff like that” Dan said, not able to make eye contact with Phil. “I mean you would have known you weren’t,” Dan felt nervous at the phrase “setting us up for hurting me…and you keep talking about being like him, but like you weren’t going to intentionally hurt me…so it’s just sort of hard for me to know what you mean when you say that,” Dan said, finally looking at Phil.

“I’m really sorry, Bear” Phil said quietly, pulling his knees up and hugging them to his chest.

“No please don’t be Phil,” Dan said quickly, wondering how someone so tall could suddenly look so tiny. “Honestly, you’re doing so well to say all this…I’m just really confused…

“There was a thing…it was sort of two things at once…and it was sort of like, when I found out it just changed the whole thing,” Phil said with a very hallow voice.

“Phil,” Dan said, feeling like his whole chest was caving in at the sadness in Phil’s voice. He suddenly regretted saying what he had to Phil, he should have just let him continue at his own pace and let him tell Dan when he was ready. “You really don’t have to talk about this yet-

“No you’re completely right Bear,” Phil said looking up at him suddenly. “what I’m saying must make no sense to you…you can’t understand if I don’t tell you…I’m just not sure how to,” Phil said sadly.  

“How about, we start small? Like is there one thing you could tell me?” Dan suggested.

“Oh, um…” Phil was silent for a few minutes. “Maybe it would be easier if you asked me a question about it all,” Phil said.  

Dan’s mind was racing with a million questions he wanted to ask Phil, but he was scared that every single question would be too difficult for Phil to answer. He was sure he would get all the answers in time…but what should he ask now? He supposed it would make most sense to start at the beginning…

 “How did you meet him?” Dan asked after a long silence.

“Um…well his parents were friends with my parents, so when he started at Manchester Uni, my parents invited him over for dinner a lot,” Phil explained. “Then he’d usually stay and watch a movie or something…and I guess, I had a crush on him for a while...two years before we actually were together,” Phil sighed.

“Oh…Phil…” Dan said, feeling like his own heart was breaking at the thought of Phil’s breaking over someone he’d liked for so long…and then Dan realised, “Oh no Phil, do you feel like,” Dan stopped suddenly, not wanting to point out another similarity if Phil hadn’t noticed it himself.

“Yeah Bear...it felt like the same start…you liked me for years from my videos,” Phil sighed.

“Well it was one year…and I didn’t like you yet,” Dan said and Phil just rolled his eyes. “Okay I did like you…but it doesn’t even matter, Phil, we’re different,” Dan assured him and Phil nodded. “Thanks for telling me, Phil.”

 “That wasn’t so hard I guess,” Phil said. “Maybe you could ask another question.”

“Okay,” Dan said, feeling relieved Phil wasn’t bursting into tears at talking about this again. He seemed sad of course, but he seemed a lot more stable than he had seemed in other conversations about the topic. Dan tried to think of another easy question for Phil. He desperately wanted to ask Phil what he had even liked about the guy who had treated him so badly, but he was pretty sure that would send Phil into a huge meltdown so he went with a safer option.

“So, were you friends at first like us too?”

“Not like us exactly,” Phil said. “I’d always be so nervous around him I couldn’t even speak…that’s not to say I wasn’t nervous with you,” Phil added. “With you…you always made me feel like I had good things to say, and you’d laugh at my jokes or listen to me waffle about anything and you’d always seem interested,” Phil said, smiling for the first time in a while.

“I always was, I mean still am,” Dan assured him. “But with him-“

“Oh yeah…I was always scared he might judge everything I say,” Phil sighed.  “He was more of the silent type I guess…so a lot of the time I’d say something and he just wouldn’t react. In answer to your question, I guess we were kind of friends. We weren’t that connected, and we didn’t really talk about stuff, I mean most of the time my parents or my brother were around so it was never…we were friends I suppose, but not like good friends or anything,” Phil said.

“Do you want me to keep asking questions?” Dan asked, thinking that perhaps now Phil had started talking about it, it would be easier to keep going.

“Yeah,” Phil nodded slowly.

“So…how did you get together?” Dan asked, it seeming like the next part of the story.

“He um…it was really unexpected,” Phil said, then fell into silence for a while, tracing circles on the back of Dan’s hand again. “I was upset one night. It was the first day back at school after the Christmas break, and like…I had never been bullied before…but that day…like it had just been a really bad day with names and teasing and stuff,” Phil said.

“Phil,” Dan said, feeling tears slip down his face, heart suddenly breaking imagining Phil in his own kind of bullying situation, after his own had been, and still was, impossible to deal with.

“Oh Bear,” Phil said watching the tears on his face, “It’s okay, I’m okay.”

“But how did you cope? I can’t cope and I still have you-“

“It was tough, but I mean…the bullies at my school, they were mean but they weren’t like yours…I think though it might be best if I don’t talk about the details of this part yet, just because I don’t want it to like, make you think of anything,” Phil said quickly.

“Thanks Phil,” Dan said, already trying to stop his own memories from attacking him.

“So after school that day I was just really upset, so when I got home I ran up to my room and started crying. I’m not sure how long Dan…the other Dan…had even been there, but he’d followed me up to my room, and sat on my bed. I wasn’t sure what was happening but then suddenly he kissed me,” Phil sighed. “I couldn’t believe he’d just kissed me, and then the whole night we just kept kissing. We literally said nothing, but I just forgot about all the stuff from school and it was just nice. Nowhere near as nice as you Bear,” Phil assured him, “like…I get more tingles from brushing my hand against your face when I help you take your tablets than I ever had with him…not that I’m comparing you! Just…with you it’s the best feeling in the world, that’s all I mean,” Phil said.

“I know Phil,” Dan said, watching as Phil touched the ring on Dan’s finger.  “So um…after that first night things continued?”

“Well he’d only come around once or twice a week, but yeah he’d just come and make out for a few hours I guess.” Phil sighed. “Is this weird?”

“What?”

“Me talking about kissing another guy.”

“Oh,” Dan said, wondering if he should feel weird about him. “Well no…I mean it’s in the past, I know you love me more.”

“More than anything Bear,” Phil said seriously, and Dan could tell he still felt guilty for the stuff he said in his sleep.

“Okay…so yeah he’d come over on random days after school. I’d never know when he would come, he’d just be there…and it seemed to be on the days I felt the worst…like he knew exactly when I needed him most,” Phil said, tears now flowing down his cheeks, and was silent for a moment. 

“Sorry…” Phil sniffed. “Anyway I’d be crying and he’d ask me what happened, but he wouldn't really let me talk. He’d just kiss me and tell me to forget about it and kiss him,” Phil cried, and Dan felt tears falling as well. He tried not to let out any sobs, knowing that would only make it harder for Phil to keep going. "The kissing was nice at first...but like I just wanted someone to talk to. He wouldn't talk, he always told me to forget about things, and we'd just kiss," Phil sighed. "I like how we always talk Bear."   
  
"Me too Phil," Dan said, suddenly feeling guilty for all the times he'd wished he could kiss Phil to comfort him. God, he'd have to remember to be so careful about that...

"But even though I wished I could talk about what was happening at school, I couldn't talk to anyone else...I would have talked to him, but he always told me not to...then with my parents, I just felt way too embarrassed it was even happening. So I kept going back to him, and to be honest...the kissing did usually make me forget so I just became really reliant on him," Phil said quietly. Dan felt like his heart was breaking into a million pieces again, remembering Phil's original messages on twitter, asking him to Skype. He remembered Phil saying that when he was bullied he was too embarrassed, and couldn't talk to anyone for years. But at the time, Dan had no idea Phil literally had someone telling him not to talk about it as well. Someone who seemed only interested in kissing him and not actually helping him...

"I think if I hadn’t been so sad and lonely I probably wouldn’t have even become so attached to him," Phil sniffed. “Like…I felt validated by the fact he liked me, instead of seeing that the bullies were wrong...then when I found out that he didn't actually like me, my whole world shattered.." Phil sighed, and Dan was sobbing, as if his world was shattering too, and he had no idea why Phil wasn't sobbing too. 

"Which...Bear...I kept getting so scared I was doing that to you," Phil said, tears now streaming down his face too. "I tied all my self-worth to him and didn’t want to do that to you," Phil said sadly. "I know...It's okay if you feel better because I like you...but i didn't want that to be the only reason Bear," Phil cried.  "So I was scared, so scared that by trying to help you I was making it harder for you in the long run. I was scared that because I loved you I might not be able to see that maybe what I was doing wasn't helpful," Phil sobbed. "But at the same time, you were so lost and needed support. I just kept worrying that I was doing the wrong thing messaging you so much, but you kept telling me they were the only things getting you through the day," Phil cried. "So I tried so hard to make you see yourself how great you were. I liked you for all those reasons but I wanted you to see it too...to show you were worth the world, but not just feel better about yourself because I liked you…which I did, I love you...but to feel better about yourself because you deserved to." 

“Phil….oh my god Phil…” Dan said at a complete loss for words, feeling like he really didn’t deserve to have Phil at all, who seemed to think of nothing else but what was best for him the entire time. "Phil I love you...you never did anything wrong, you always did the best things Phil...I know I don't...my self esteem is pretty shit but you made it better Phil, you did...and not just because I know you love me, I promise."   
  
"Oh thanks Bear," Phil said, still teary. "I mean...there's nothing wrong with you feeling better about yourself, because I like you...I just didn't want that to be the only reason, like it was with me, you know...just in case" Phil said sadly, and Dan didn't even want to think about what Phil meant by that. "I know I started liking myself more because you liked me. But that was because I just learned to like myself a lot more...rather than feeling like I was only worth it because he liked me..." Phil sadly. "It's completely different with us, because we do actually like each other.  With him…if he’d liked me I guess it would have been different….but he didn’t actually…he just had this plan and was really just taking advantage of me," Phil said sadly and didn't seem like he was going to continue. 

"Plan?" Dan asked, feeling like his throat was closing in. 

"Well...it's complicated..for now I'll just say," Phil paused to think about it. "He was gay, but super in the closet about it. I don’t think he’d ever kissed a boy before…I think he just wanted to see what it was like. I guess I was just an opportunity, with me always there, being way too obvious about the fact I liked him.”

“Phil-“ Dan sobbed.

“Don’t be sad Bear,” Phil said.

“Phil, this is-" 

“Can we just," Phil cut him off, "Can you ask me a different question, just for now, I'm sorry...I will tell you...just not yet.’

Dan's mind was spinning. He had thought about all kinds of things, but in all of Dan's theories he hadn't imagined it would be quite this bad, and Dan was pretty sure when he found out exactly what happened it would be worse. Dan couldn't work out...what had Phil liked about him? Every part of him seemed awful, but Dan supposed Phil was telling it in retrospect, able to see the bad things he couldn't at the time. But still...

“Phil…don’t feel like you have to answer this…what was it you liked about him?”

“Oh!" Phil said, looking surprised, although not distressed like Dan had expected. "Um…Bear. Won’t it be sort of weird for you if I’m telling you things I liked about someone else?”

“Oh…I don’t know I was just curious," Dan admitted.

“I didn’t like him like you Bear, I never loved him. I’m not even sure exactly why I liked him, he was pretty, nothing on you promise, and he was really smart, and he was really good at art and I liked watching him draw,” Phil said sadly. “I don’t know…he…like I guess what I really liked is he never called me weird, like…all my other friends called me weird all the time but he didn’t. I mean, Bear, you make me feel like everything I am is perfect…” Phil said, voice slightly catching in his throat, and Dan felt himself blushing a little at Phil's words. "He didn't do that at all, I still felt like bad about the way I was when I was with him...I just felt better since he liked me...but then it turned out he didn’t like me. At least not in a personal kind of way," Phil said quietly. "He definitely liked kissing me that’s for sure, but he didn’t really care what he needed to do to make me kiss him. Which might be hard to understand right now, but like…with the thing that happened…that was me finding out that he didn’t care about me at all…” Phil said quickly.

“Phil..it must have been so hard,” Dan said, tears streaming down his face, horrified to imagine how that must have felt. He couldn’t even imagine it…he didn’t know how long it had gone on for…or even the circumstances of what happened…but Dan predicted once he did know, he’d probably need weeks to recover himself...so he couldn't even imagine how Phil had coped at the time. 

“It was tough…but, I’m okay,” Phil said, giving Dan’s hand the lightest and most gentle squeeze.

“But Phil,” Dan sobbed, not able to articulate the agony in his chest. He remembered how bad it hurt when he found out Phil had been keeping the comments from him, and although he understood why now…he still remembered wondering if Phil had ever cared about him (although he hated that he had ever questioned that). But for Phil…that was exactly what had happened, his boyfriend hadn't cared for him at all. He didn’t know how or why or any of the details….but Dan wasn’t sure how he would have continued with anything if something like that had happened to him. “Phil…you always called be brave but _you-"_

“Oh that’s very kind of you Bear…I’m not sure I handled it well…it took me a long time to see just how awful he was-" 

“I already hate him,” Dan said angrily.

“Oh..thanks Bear,” Phil said with a small laugh. “He just…he really took advantage of my feelings in a really bad time for me…he knew that I was really sad…and that I relied on him…and so…when he started…nothing super bad…just… it got too intense too quickly,” Phil said.

“Phil,” Dan said, his voice breaking as he anticipated what was coming.

“No Bear…please it wasn’t like…I don’t want to go into details yet…but it wasn’t like that…not like…but I still was uncomfortable…and I was too scared to ask him to slow down because I still wanted him to be there…so I let him touch me wherever he liked even when I hated it…It wasn’t sex!” Phil exclaimed, likely at the terrified look Dan could feel on his face.

“Sorry it just sounds like-“

“I know…it might have been headed that way but I got out before okay?”

“Not fucking okay at all!” Dan said, now crying angry tears. What the fuck was wrong with this guy?  Dan didn’t even know details, but poor poor Phil. No wonder he’d been left so scared and shattered. Dan could barely even breathe just hearing Phil tell him about it, and there was so much sadness for Phil in his chest and his mind he was having trouble even keeping up with all Phil's misfortune. Poor Phil..his Phil..how could someone how hurt his Phil like that? Poor Phil..Phil..Phil..

 "Nothing he did was okay” Phil said after a long silence “…but I was too scared that he wouldn’t come back…and I know you’re not scared like that…but I get scared…like Bear…when we can cuddle and stuff…I’m just like what if he doesn’t want to cuddle? What if I put my head on his chest and he hates that? What if I stroke his hair but he wants me to stop and doesn’t tell me...what if i kiss him for too long or too hard or-“

“Phil you won’t…and Phil, like I think I’d like you touching me anywhere,” Dan said then blushed as he realised how it sounded. “Shit I didn’t mean…just well…you know what I mean."

“Oh Bear,” Phil laughed, and suddenly Dan was glad he’d said it just to hear that sound. “Don’t worry, I know what you mean. But yeah…that’s why I got so scared that night. I just panicked after we first kissed…that maybe you wouldn’t tell me to stop if you didn’t want to kiss, since I had been too scared to when I was younger. When we were just skype boyfriends, I wasn’t as scared because I couldn’t touch you, and I kept telling myself we were good at communicating and would work it out when we met…but then we were together …and I just got swept away in all my feelings about you and we kissed…but then I was so worried that you might have felt as I had…”

“I didn’t, and I don’t Phil,’ Dan assured him, hoping this conversation would finally alleviate all Phil's worries. 

“I know that now...but Bear...I guess...because I liked him when I was so down...…with you, I wasn't sure if I was being selfish, I loved you more than anything, and I desperately wanted you to like me back...I guess I always worried that if you liked me back....it would be because I’d taken advantage of your feelings in a vulnerable time…"

“But Phil, no! No, it's not like that,” Dan said quickly, heart sinking in his chest, as his mind put all the connections together. That was what he meant earlier...Oh Phil. Dan completely understood why Phil was worried, but how on earth was he meant to show Phil how different it was? "You didn't ever take advantage of me Phil. I understand why you're scared...I know he took advantage of you when you were sad, but you didn't do that to me Phil. Sure I was sad, but you were being my friend and you were helping me so much Phil," Dan assured him, but Phil was sobbing harder than he had all evening. Oh no, Phil really thought....he was really worried that he'd taken advantage of him being down? How could Dan make him see it for what it was?

"Phil, remember what you were saying earlier? That you wanted me to see myself as all those things you told me, not just because you liked me…Phil I’m pretty sure you don’t have the capacity to be selfish. Just because I was…vulnerable, that doesn't mean you couldn’t fall in love with me, and it doesn’t matter if I fell in love with you at that time…Phil he took advantage of you for...whatever his screwed up reasons...you didn't take advantage of me, you loved me Phil! Look at you Phil, you care so much about me, that you’re worried to tears at the possibility that you could do the wrong thing by me, and Phil…just…you know that…you have to know that it didn't matter I was sad. Even if I was in the best possible state of mental functioning, I still would have fallen in love with you, you know that right?”

However, the outpouring of tears that followed Dan’s statement suggested that maybe Phil really hadn’t known that…that all this time he’d just been worried that Dan had only fallen in love with him because he’d just been there when Dan had no one else. Dan really wished he could produce his own promise ring for Phil right now, so he would always know it wasn't like that at all. 

“Thanks Bear,” Phil sobbed. “I'm sorry...I'm being stupid...I know...I do know that of course...I'm just..I just get scared..." 

"It's okay Phil. If you get scared, just remember what I just said," Dan said gently. 

“Sorry…sorry for crying…again. I should be telling you, so you can understand, ask me another question,” Phil said, although his eyes and face were red from crying so much, he really wasn't in any state to keep talking about anything, much less the hardest part of his life. 

“Phil you’ve told me so much tonight, you don’t have to say anymore,” Dan said.

“Bear…you probably think like…I know I’ve been really upset when talking about this…but like…it doesn’t…like I don’t usually think about it so much and if I do it’s more of a passing thought. Don’t take this the wrong way…but it’s just because I’m talking to you, and I love you and I don’t want you to get upset because I know you’ll be upset and then thinking about how upset you’d be upsets me and I don’t want to keep making you upset-“

“Hey Phil?” Dan said quickly. 

“Yeah?”

“Of course I’m going to be upset Phil, but it's really okay when I am,” Dan said. “I know it’s really hard for you to talk details, and you’re worried about me being sad, however if you tell me then I think that’s really good Phil. Because, although I’m a bit, unable to move much now…when we can like hug and kiss more I guess,” Dan blushed, imagining being able to kiss Phil more. “If there was anything that you really hated, I would be horrified if I did something if you hated that he did that to you…” Dan said, feeling worried now himself that he would accidentally hurt Phil. “Like…I realised when you were talking, like if you’re sad…in the past I would have thought like kissing you would help comfort you, but like know I now that might be awful since that’s all he did when you just wanted to talk…and if there’s other stuff like that I really want to know so I don’t do anything that you would be hard for-“ 

 “I love you so much,” Phil interrupted, bursting into to tears again, and Dan was left in the difficult position of not knowing whether to comfort Phil or not.

“I love you too Phil…um I’m just not sure if you’d prefer me to talk right now or not,” Dan said.

“Beeeeaarr how are you real?” Phil said.

“Uh…” Dan said, not sure how to respond.

“Where did you even come from?”

“Well pretty sure I came from an egg and a sperm-“

“No, I mean seriously! It’s just like suddenly the perfect person for me just arrived in my life, and I didn’t even have to do anything! You were just there waiting until I was ready to talk to you.”

“Uh…I guess,” Dan said. He’d always considered himself the lucky one, having managed to catch Phil’s attention among all his followers, but he had never really considered how it had seemed to Phil-

“Oh!” Phil said looking down at his watch, “Happy Birthday Bear.”

“It is?” Dan asked, forgetting that his birthday had even been so close.

“Just hit midnight,” Phil smiled, wiping away his tears. 

“Oh,” Dan laughed.

“Could I give you a birthday kiss?” Phil asked.

“It’s not your birthday,” Dan joked.

“Fine no kisses for you today then,” Phil said.

“No! Please kiss me,” Dan said and Phil laughed before leaning in to give him another beautiful, soft and gentle kiss.

“Tomorrow, I mean today’s going to be great,” Phil said.

“I know,” Dan said, thinking of their other dates.

“I’ve got loads planned, we’ll have so much fun," Phil said, sounding cheerful now even though he still looked teary. "Don’t worry you’ll be more than able to do everything, it will be great, and there’s loads of time for sleeping too.”

“Good food?” Dan asked, who’d been rather bored of all the bread and cereal he’d been eating since he’d left the hospital.

“It’s all a surprise Bear!” Phil insisted.

“Well, time for me to go to sleep so I can find out sooner!” Dan said.

 “Yeah..it’s getting late,” Phil said.

“Thanks for telling me everything tonight Phil,” Dan said.

“Oh thanks for listening Bear…you’re so great,” Phil said smiling as he looked down at their joined hands. “I really love you, I’ve probably said that too much lately…but like, there’s not really another way to say it.”

“I kind of hear it anyway when you say Bear,” Dan said, realising for the first time why he liked the nickname so much.

“Oh! Really?” Phil laughed, “Well then…goodnight Bear.”


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo don't hate me but this isn't the birthday chapter...this was going to be the start of it, however since the draft of the birthday chapter is already 6000 words (woops), and it's still a couple days off being finished, I decided I'd just put this part up for you to read in the meantime :)  
> The birthday chapter will be up in a couple days, thanks so much for waiting <3

Dan’s nights always passed slowly, however this particular night seemed to pass slower than all of them. He couldn’t stop thinking about everything Phil had said, turning every sentence over in his mind, hoping that he’d listened well and said the right things to support Phil. He seemed so fragile and distant when talking about it all, and now knowing more about the situation, Dan was absolutely terrified to learn exactly what had happened to Phil. What kind of situation could have happened where Phil found out the other Dan didn’t care about him at all?  It made him feel sick just thinking about it.

As well as that, Dan still couldn't believe just how much thought Phil had put into helping him, and how much he’d worried he was doing the wrong thing by Dan. He hoped that what he’d said would have helped, but if those worries had haunted Phil since they’d begun talking, he doubted they would disappear overnight. He felt rather guilty that their relationship seemed to have caused Phil so much stress, and he'd just had no idea the whole time. He knew that Phil loved him but now he was beginning to worry, what if he'd just caused Phil more stress than joy?

How could he help Phil with all this? He already had tried to make mental notes in relation to the things the other Dan had done, and ways to reassure Phil about their own relationship, however he seemed to keep forgetting his reminders as soon as he'd thought of them. Dan tried to repeat them to himself but he could already feel them slipping from his mind. He wished he could make a list of reminders, so he wouldn't forget, and suddenly he felt a burst of frustration at his inability to move or do anything for himself. Should he ask his Dad to write them down? No, that would be way too hard to explain, not to mention incredibly awkward. But the only other option was Phil, who the list was going to be about, so he could hardly ask him…could he? After all, Phil was opening up to him, so perhaps it would be actually better if Phil wrote it down, that way they’d be quite literally on the same page.

“Dad what’s the time?” Dan whispered. Was it too late to wake Phil?

“3am Dan, why?”

“Oh, I just wanted to tell Phil something, but I’ll just wait until morning,” Dan sighed, knowing that delving into his past would have left Phil exhausted. He felt exhausted too, he should try to sleep…he just prayed he’d still remember everything in the morning. He counted the things in his mind. 8 things. All he had to do was remember there were 8, and hopefully he could figure them out again in the morning. For now, he should just try to sleep.

No sooner had Dan thought this than he heard the familiar squeak of his bedroom door opening.

“Is that Phil?” Dan whispered to his Dad, but before his Dad had a chance to answer Phil appeared in the living room.

“I swear you two have a psychic connection or something,’ his Dad sighed, leaving the room.

 “Hey Bear, I didn’t wake you, did I?” Phil said nervously, sitting in the seat his Dad had just vacated.

“No! I was actually just thinking about some stuff,” Dan said.   
  
“Me too, but you first,” Phil insisted.

“Oh, well I was just hoping…there were some things I was wondering if you could write down for me, so I don't forget” Dan said, suddenly feeling incredibly nervous to be sharing these thoughts about Phil with Phil himself. 

“Good timing then,” Phil smiled, retrieving a pen and piece of paper from the coffee table. “So, what are we writing?”   
  
“It's like a list of reminders for myself. So, at the top you’re going to write,” Dan paused taking a deep breath in. What was Phil going to think when he told him? “Reminders for being-“

“Slow down,” Phil laughed, only half way through writing the first word. “Reminders for being,” Phil read out, once he’d finished writing those words.

“Phil’s boyfriend,” Dan finished.

“Wh-what?” Phil said, eyebrows shooting up.

“Reminders for being Phil’s boyfriend,” Dan said again, blushing as he did so.

“Bear,” Phil said softly.  

“I just thought of them all, and we have to write them down before I forget,” Dan explained.

“Oh…that’s really sweet of you…”

“1. Always ask to talk first if he’s sad,” Dan recalled.

“This is so lovely Bear,” Phil’s voice was breaking.

“More writing, less talking, I don’t want to forget,” Dan said, already feeling them slipping out of his mind. Phil wrote it down, and Dan noticed that his hand was shaking as he did so.

“2. Make sure he knows I’m comfortable so he doesn’t worry,” Dan said.

“That’s very thoughtful,” Phil smiled, hand still shaking as he wrote it down.

“3. Make sure he’s comfortable,”  
  
Phil wrote it down, hand seeming to grow more and more shaky. He looked up when he was finished with a small smile.

 “4. Always make sure he knows you care much more about his feelings than touching him,” Dan said. Phil began writing the words but suddenly his hand was shaking so much he couldn’t write anymore, and Dan heard him sniffing and suddenly a tear rolled down his cheek and onto the paper.

“Sorry,” Phil sniffed, “I’ve been way too emotional lately haven’t I?”

“Did I say something wrong?” Dan asked. “Like, it was just my first thoughts, we can change any of these-“

“Bear I just can’t believe…I can’t believe you thought all of this,” Phil said, wiping his face with his sleeve. “Thankyou…just…thankyou…you’re perfect,”

“Hardly,” Dan sighed, trying not to think of all the things he’d done that had probably made it harder for Phil.

“Well, you’re perfect for me,” Phil said.

“I’ve still got four more before I’m even adequate,” Dan sighed, trying to remember the other things he’d wanted to write down.

“Okay,” Phil said with a small laugh. “What’s next?”

“5. Find out anything the other Dan did that Phil didn’t like and never do that.”

“Can I say something?” Phil asked, after he finished writing it down.

“Yeah, course.”

“Bear, you would never do anything like he did, you couldn’t possibly,” Phil said. “I mean…there are a few small things, I’d prefer if you didn’t…but you probably wouldn’t anyway…I’ll tell you about those before you’ll need to know, and we’ll figure it out together okay?”

“Okay,” Dan smiled, now very glad he'd asked Phil to write them down for him.

“What’s next?” Phil asked.

“6.  Tell him everyday that everything he’s done has helped and he’s never done the wrong thing," Dan said.

“Oh you don’t have to Bear, earlier I was just-“  
  
“But it would help if I did right?” Dan interrupted.

“I-“  
  
“I know it would, so I will,” Dan said, and Phil finished writing it down.

“7. Make sure he knows you would have loved him no matter what the situation,” Dan said but Phil didn’t start writing.

“Bear, I do know that I promise,” Phil said.

“But you didn’t before,” Dan said, remembering how upset Phil had been that he might have taken advantage of Dan's feelings while he was down, which he hadn't, and Dan wanted to make sure he knew that. 

“I did know that deep down…I just, all my worries just took over the rational side of my brain,” Phil sighed.

“Right, so if that happens again I want to help you kick those worries out of there,” Dan said. Phil looked like he was going to cry again as he wrote down the words.

“I love you Bear,” Phil sniffed.

“There’s still one more,” Dan said, struggling to remember the final one.

 “Bear…you’ve literally…you don’t need anything else,” Phil said.

“No, I had eight, there’s one more,” Dan insisted.

“Well maybe you’ll remember in the morning,” Phil said gently.

“Oh, I know! It was ask him what else I can do to help,” Dan said.

“Aww, thanks Bear,” Phil smiled as he wrote down the last one for Dan. “Well for now, you’re already doing everything you possibly could.”

“Thanks for writing them for me,” Dan said, feeling pretty happy when Phil showed him the completed list. “But Phil, you came out to say something, what was it?”   
  
“Oh!” Phil said. “Oh right. I just wanted to make sure you knew that like,” Phil sighed. “I told you a lot of things that I was worried about, in relation to you, but like I’m worried I made it sound bigger than it was. The worries, they were like just an occasional thing, and the happiness I get with you, is like so much greater than those tiny worries…and I just really wanted to make sure you knew that,” Phil said quickly, the words tumbling out of him. “Also like, I didn’t want you to feel like you should have done anything differently. This list is beautiful Bear, but like, you already have been the best boyfriend I could have hoped for. Like, it’s not your fault you didn’t know all that stuff, because you couldn't have known when I didn’t tell you. I just don't want you thinking that I was just freaking out the whole time. I was worried at times, but not constantly, and most of the time I mostly just felt extremely happy to be talking to you, and to have you in my life, okay?”

“Thanks Phil,” Dan said, chest flooding with warmth as some of his earlier worries flew away.

“I’m really sorry if you’ve been worried about that,” Phil said.

“Not really...a little," Dan admitted. "But, most I'm just worried about you Phil. I know it must be really hard being in another relationship after him…so I just want to make sure this is good.”

“This is good Bear, really amazingly good,” Phil assured him.  

“Kiss?” Dan asked.

“Kiss.” Phil said, leaning into kiss him. Phil's lips seemed as tender and soft as always, but this time Dan could feel him shaking a little.

“Are you okay Phil?” Dan asked.

“Yeah…sorry...it’s just sort of weird talking about it all...like I hadn't exactly imagined your reaction, I knew you'd be supportive of course, but this is just...really wonderful of you Bear.”  
  
“Have you ever told anyone before?” Dan asked.

“Oh…um…I mean, my psychologist,” Phil said. “No one else…” Phil sighed. “I mean my parents know about the bullying at school, but not about...what happened with him,” Phil sighed.

“Don't feel bad, I was just wondering. I understand it would be really tough,” Dan said.

“I’m not sure I can ever tell them. Just because they knew him and stuff...” Phil said quietly. What happened after things had ended with the other Dan? Had Phil’s parents still invited him around? Had Phil still had to see him and pretend everything was fine? Dan went to ask but Phil looked pretty defeated so he decided his questions should just wait.

“I do wish I’d told them about the school stuff earlier instead of waiting until I was finished school,” Phil sighed. “If they had known they could have helped…then I wouldn’t have relied on him and things wouldn’t have got so bad,” Phil sighed again.

“Oh my gosh, Phil…is that why you wanted me to tell my parents so much? So I would have someone else?” Dan asked, remembering how Phil had spent weeks talking with Dan everyday about how to tell his parents, practicing with him for hours, and making sure that he went through with it.

“Yeah,” Phil said, with a small smile. “I was terrified that it would go badly, but it seemed like your Dad had potential, and I needed to give you the chance at least, to have someone else. Like, just in case something went wrong between us…I didn’t want you to be all alone,” Phil said.

“Phiiiiiiiiillll,” Dan said, at a loss for words again. Phil cared about Dan so much he’d made plans for if he couldn’t help Dan himself?

“Beeeaaaar,” Phil laughed, "how about we kiss again?   
  
"Good," Dan said, at Phil quickly pressed his lips against Dan's. “Well um…we should sleep,” Phil said, pulling away. “Don’t want us to be too tired to enjoy your birthday.”

“Oh yeah…I keep forgetting,” Dan said, suddenly feeling a jolt of excitement as he thought about what Phil might be planning for the day.

“Night Bear, love you,” Phil said.

“Night, love you too” Dan smiled, suddenly wishing he was asleep already so it could be morning and they could start celebrating already.

Dan had never really been excited for his birthday before. Birthdays had never really been celebrated by his parents, save for a card and small gift, and he’d never had any friends to do anything with. Although, in retrospect his Dad had always made an effort to be home for dinner on his birthday. He was pretty sure it was last year he’d ordered Chinese takeout and they’d eaten together, but he couldn’t even remember if he’d seen his Mum on his birthday last year...oh shit.

“Hey Dad?” Dan called out.

“Yeah?”   
  
“Um..Mum’s not going to come by tomorrow, is she?” Dan asked nervously. 

“Oh no, don’t worry Dan…she’s um…I believe she’s actually in Singapore at the moment,” His Dad sighed. “Business trip.”

“Oh right,” Dan said, not really caring where she was or why, as long as he wouldn’t have to see her.

“I’m sorry Dan.”   
  
“Why? I don’t want her around,” Dan said, and his Dad didn’t respond. “Hey Dad, was it last year we had Chinese on my birthday?”   
  
“Yeah,” his Dad said, laughing suddenly.

“What are you laughing at?” Dan asked.

“Just…you spent that entire dinner talking about a certain guy who made videos on the internet,” his Dad laughed.

 “Oh,” Dan blushed, vaguely remembering telling his Dad about Phil’s videos.

"And I just remember wondering if...well you were very fond of him Dan," his Dad laughed.   
  
"Right," Dan felt the heat in his cheeks, no idea what to say. 

“Crazy to think he’s your boyfriend now, huh?” His Dad chuckled.  
  
“Yeah...crazy doesn't even cover it,” Dan said. This time last year all Dan could have hoped for was for Phil to reply him on twitter, and now Phil was planning an entire birthday for him? Even with his injuries, nightmares and absent mother, Dan suddenly found himself wondering: how had he got so lucky?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient with the less frequent uploads :) Things are a bit tricky at the moment so for now I'll just be uploading when I can (although the birthday chapter is already drafted, so I'd say it will be up in a couple days)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Birthday Chapter Woooh :D THERE IS SO MUCH FLUFF!  
> It's a super super long one (it's 8000 words) so get comfortable! I debated putting this up in parts, however it's all done and it's been a bit of a wait, so here it all is! However there are also lots of breaks between sections if you'd prefer to read it in parts :)  
> Thanks so much for your patience, I hope you like it <3

“Time to wake up! It’s breakfast time,” Phil said excitedly.  Why was he so excited? It was just breakfast...besides Dan was tired....

“I’m too tired,” Dan mumbled. "Wait, what's that smell?"

“That’s your breakfast! If you open your eyes you can see what it is,” Phil said, sounding incredibly happy for some reason.

"Why are you so happy?" Dan mumbled.

"Well partly because I'm looking at my boyfriend, but also because it's his birthday!"

“Oh yeah!" Dan said, his eyes snapping open, and suddenly feeling completely awake. How could have he forgotten? Now he could finally enjoy whatever Phil had planned!

“Happy Birthday Bear,” Phil said, his blue eyes staring into Dan's, making his heart race....God those eyes were beautiful. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Phil asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Oh! Yeah, I just...like your eyes,” Dan blushed. 

“Aww, well I think your eyes are beautiful too,” Phil said, making Dan blush even harder. “Well, are you hungry? Coz I might have made you these pancakes,” Phil smiled, picking up a plate of pancakes from the coffee table.

“Phil! You made me breakfast?”

“Well technically I’ve been making you breakfast all week," Phil pointed out. 

“Yeah all that gourmet cereal,” Dan rolled his eyes. “But pancakes! This is so exciting Phil!” Dan smiled, he couldn't even remember the last time he'd had pancakes. "You're having some too right?" Dan checked. 

“Well I might have accidentally eaten a few already." 

“Accidentally?” 

“I was just taste testing them!”

“Sure you were Phil,” Dan laughed.

“I was! I couldn't risk letting you eating awful pancakes on your birthday,” Phil said, sitting down next to Dan and cutting up the pancakes into small pieces.

“How do you even make pancakes?” Dan wondered aloud. 

“It takes about 2 hours and 87 different ingredients.”

“Really?”

“No!” Phil laughed. “Seriously, have you ever cooked anything?”

“Does toast count?”

“Oh Bear,” Phil laughed. “You should learn to cook, it’s really not that hard.”

“I’d probably just burn the house down.”

“Well at least you won’t be on fire am I right?” Phil said.

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” Dan said sarcastically. “How about you stop making bad jokes and hurry up and feed me my pancakes.”

“Hey! First of all, that was a great joke, second of all I’m trying to cut these small enough so you don’t choke! Here we go," Phil said, delivering the first piece of pancake into Dan's mouth. 

“Oh God I’m going to be covered in maple syrup by the end of this,” Dan laughed as maple syrup dribbled down his chin.

“That was just a test run," Phil said. 

"Did your clothes get a flour test run too?" Dan laughed, suddenly noticing that every piece of Phil's clothing had flour on it. 

“Oh! Oops,” Phil laughed, as if he’d just noticed for the first time. “Well flour gets everywhere, hardly my fault.”

“Phil!” Dan laughed, as maple syrup dripped onto Dan’s shirt.

“Woops!”

“Pay attention while feeding me!”

“Sorry sorry, I really shouldn’t have put so much maple syrup on these.”

“Well they do taste amazing,” Dan admitted.

"Course they do! I made them and I'm amazing."

"And so humble too," Dan said and Phil laughed. "But seriously thanks Phil, I'm not sure anyone's ever made me a cooked breakfast before." 

"Aww, your welcome!" Phil smiled, joy seeming to radiate from his whole body.

"You know, you once messaged me pancake as a compliment," Dan said.

"Well I love pancakes and I love you," Phil laughed. 

"I believe it was I'd rather you than pancakes," Dan recalled.

"I sure would," Phil laughed.

 

Shortly after finishing breakfast, Dan's Dad entered the room carrying an envelope and wishing him a happy birthday. 

“So, I know Phil has a load planned for you today, so I’ll get my present out of the way quickly,” his Dad said, sitting down on the armchair.

“Oh wow, thanks Dad,” Dan said. He’d been so focused on wondering what Phil had planned, he hadn’t even considered his Dad would get him something.

“Well, it’s the least I can do Dan,” his Dad said. “Shall I open it or should I get Phil to?”

“Phil can,” Dan said.

“Well it's pretty much a present for him too,” his Dad said, handing Phil the envelope. Phil tore open the envelope slowly, and pulled out a single piece of paper which read: Train tickets! (as many as you need) Destination: Phil.

“Oh my God Dad, are you serious?” Dan said, heart racing again. As many as he needed? He could visit Phil as much as he liked?

“Course I am,” his Dad laughed. "I figured the only thing you really wanted for your birthday was Phil, so there you have it." 

“Wow it’s like my birthday too!” Phil beamed.

“Dad are you sure? There’s going to be a lot of train tickets” Dan said, thinking about how much he was going to want to visit Phil. Once Phil left at the end of summer...well Dan didn't really want to think about having to be apart from Phil...but he knew he would want to see him as often as possible. 

“Yes, Dan, every week if you need them."

“Thankyou, really, thankyou so much Dad!” Dan said, suddenly feeling a weight lifted off his chest.

"I realise how important Phil is to you, and how much he helped you through this awful year...long distance stuff can be hard, so hopefully this makes it a bit easier."

“Hey Dad…what’s happening with school?” Dan suddenly remembered. It seemed like ages since had heard any news about Ryan. As far as he knew the principal was waiting to decide whether or not to expel him until the end of the summer. 

“Dan it’s your birthday, we’ll talk about this another time,” his Dad said.

“He hasn’t been expelled yet has he?” Dan said, heart racing at the thought of having to return to school if Ryan was there. 

“Dan, regardless of whether or not he’s expelled, I’m going to make sure next year at school is nothing like this one, okay?” he said. Dan wished he could believe him, but suddenly all his fears were alive in his mind again. What would he do if he had to go back to school with Ryan? Dan tried to tell himself not to think about it but he couldn't help it. What if he saw Ryan again?  _Don't think about it._ What if Ryan tried to hurt him again?  _Don't think about it._ Even if Ryan was expelled, most of the people in his year level had punched Dan at least once-

“Bear?”

“What?” Dan said, suddenly being pulled out of his thoughts.

“Are you excited for what we’re going to do after?” Phil smiled.

“After what?” Dan said, thoughts still flicking back to school and Ryan.

“After you get changed, remember all those birthday things?” Phil said gently.

“Oh yeah, what are we doing?” Dan asked, trying to shake the anxious thoughts from his mind.

“Lots of fun things! But first you're getting changed, okay?” Phil smiled.

“Okay,” Dan said, although he still felt uneasy. As his Dad helped him change into his favourite Muse shirt, his thoughts were wandering to Ryan and school and how on earth he was going to manage next year. He didn’t think he could manage at all, what if he got hurt again? Dan was beginning to feel dizzy, too many thoughts on his mind. His chest was beginning to hurt from worrying, and he was so caught up in his thoughts he barely even noticed he was back on the couch in the living room.

“Hey are you okay?” Phil asked gently, sitting down beside him.

“I can’t stop-“ Dan stammered,

“Do you need to do some breathing?” Phil asked.

“No,” Dan said, feeling tears dripping out of his eyes and the room swimming around him.

"I think we'll do some breathing together, and then I'll tell you a story okay?" Phil said, and without waiting for Dan's answer, began to lead him through one of his breathing exercises. Within a few minutes Dan's heart rate had slowed and his chest didn't feel as tight, although he was still having trouble casting his mind off school...

“Can I tell you about a dream I had last night?” Phil asked, but once again didn't wait for Dan's answer. “So I was at the zoo and I went to see the seals, and then I found you there." 

“I was in your dream?”

“You’re in most of my dreams Bear,” Phil laughed, continuing a very detailed recollection of the dream he’d had. As usual, Phil told stories in such an animated and engaging way, and his smile made Dan smile, and suddenly all his thoughts of school were sent into the back corners of his mind.

“Then you said _of course they’re snake eggs Phil!_ ”

“Phil how are your dreams this vivid?”

“Okay I might have added a few small details for your entertainment,” Phil giggled.

“PHIL!”

“You were entertained right?”

“Did any of that dream happen?”

“Yes! We were at the zoo and there were snake eggs, but maybe the rest of it might have been from my imagination,” Phil laughed. “By the way, you’re making really making my heart melt with that t-shirt.”

“Huh?”

“The shirt you wore in our first Skype call, and you were wearing the night I realised I was in love with you,” Phil blushed.

“Oh!” Dan blushed, surprised Phil remembered Dan’s clothes as much as he remembered Phil’s. “Wait, you haven’t told me that story!” Dan said, not able to recall Phil telling him about falling in love with him.

“Well…I’m actually planning to tell it to you later today," Phil said.

"Aww, no tell me now! When did you realise?" Dan asked, wondering if Phil realised he was in love with Dan the same moment Dan realised he was in love with Phil. 

"Nah, later, I have this whole...thing planned, you'll see," Phil smiled.  “You look really pretty Bear,” Phil said suddenly, eyes flicking over Dan’s face.

“You always look pretty Phil,” Dan blushed, his heart fluttering. “Would you be able to kiss me?”

“I’ve been hoping to all morning,” Phil smiled leaning in and pressing his lips against Dan’s. Dan was once again amazed at how soft Phil's lips were, how kissing Phil made him think of flowers and sunny days and gave him this feeling in his chest that he couldn't quite put a name to. It felt like love but it wasn't just love, it was this combination of everything he felt for Phil, and everything he knew Phil felt in return, all bundled up into this warm pulse in his chest.

“Well we could kiss all morning, or you could finally find out what some of those surprises are,” Phil said.

“Oh yeah! Whats happening? What are we doing all day?” Dan asked, feeling euphoric after his kisses with Phil. 

“One thing at a time. Firstly I have present one out of three.”

“Three! Phil you didn't have to-" Dan began to say but Phil ignored him.   
  
“So this first one," Phil said, reaching for a brown paper bag from behind him. "I didn't plan on buying it but when I saw it I knew I had to," Phil laughed. "It's almost like a present for me.”

“You bought yourself a present for my birthday?” Dan laughed.

“No…it’s just well, you’ll see,” Phil said, pulling something out of the bag. At first Dan thought it was just a brown beanie but then Phil turned it around. “A Bear beanie for Bear!

“Oh my god, Phil!” Dan burst out laughing, as he saw the face of a Bear embroidered on the beanie.

“It was too cute not to buy! You don’t actually have to wear it I just thought it was funny,” Phil laughed.

“Of course I’ll wear it Phil!” Dan laughed.

“Really?” Phil’s eyes lit up. “I mean I’m not letting you wear it now-“

“Why not?”

“Because your head’s still sore,” Phil said. 

“It’s actually not that sore anymore,” Dan said and Phil raised an eyebrow. “Well it is, but it's just become my natural state of being. Just put it on me.”

“Hmm I think I’ll just hold it against your head,” Phil said. “Ahhh!” Phil let out a gleeful squeal and covered his mouth with his hand. “Oh my God it’s going to look so cute!”

“Well I look forward to wearing it,” Dan said, thinking that if wearing a bear hat would make Phil that happy he’d never take it off.

“Now Bear, the rest of your presents are coming later. They’re sort of…well I guess I’d say they’re sort of special so I want to give them in special ways,” Phil smiled.

“Aww, thankyou Phil,” Dan said, wondering what else Phil had got him.

“Now, you look tired, and I don’t want you to crash so maybe it’s time for a rest?”

“I guess,” Dan sighed.

“Okay, should I wake you in an hour?” Phil asked, but Dan had already fallen asleep.

 

 

“Bear? Wake up,” Phil said, and Dan’s eyes snapped open.

“Wow, I expected you to take a lot longer to wake,” Phil said.

“What are we doing?” Dan asked excitedly, not able to wait a moment longer to know what Phil had planned.

“Okay!” Phil clapped his hands together excitedly. “So, I was thinking like, obviously you love playing video games.”

“Yeah,” Dan sighed, feeling a sudden pang of disappointment, remembering he wouldn’t be able to play video games all summer.

“I figured out how you could play video games!”

“Phil, unless these video games respond to eye movement-“

“No, we’re gonna play them together!”

“That’s not going to-“

“Just listen,” Phil insisted. “I’m going to wear a blindfold and hold the controller, and you’ll be looking at the screen and telling me what to do.”

“Phil,” Dan laughed.  “You realise we’re not going to complete anything, right?”

“Yes we will!” Phil said, but Dan seriously doubted it. “So, what do you want to play? We could play Halo-“

“No! That would be a complete disaster,” Dan said.

“Mario, that could work, oooh or Final Fantasy 7! Oh my gosh over summer we could do that, we could try to complete the whole thing!”

“Let’s just start with Mario,” Dan said, doubting they would able to complete a single level even with the fairly basic controls of Mario.  

“You’ve played this before, right?” Dan asked, as Phil loaded up the game.

“Nope,” Phil said.

“Are you serious? It’s Mario!“

“Well yeah I’ve played Mario, but not this one,” Phil said.

“You know the controls, right?”

“Uh…A to jump?”

“Oh my God Phil,“

“I was joking!” Phil laughed, “I have the controls under control. You just focus on telling me what to do.”

“Okay, first level you ready?” Dan asked, looking over at Phil. "Phil!" Dan laughed, seeing Phil was wearing the Bear beanie pulled over his eyes. 

"I'm just borrowing it!"   
  
"You really did buy that for yourself, didn't you?" Dan laughed. "Okay, let's start the first level. Okay move right, keep going, no back a little, not that far, okay jump, hang on go left we need the mushroom-“

“My left or yours?” 

“IT’S THE SAME LEFT!”

“Oh yeah,” Phil laughed.

“Now the mushroom's gone Phil.”

“I’m sure there’ll be another one.”

“If we don’t get annihilated by goombas first.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s goomba,”

“What?”

“Like you know how the plural of sheep is sheep, I’m pretty sure it’s two goomba not two goombas-“

“Well it doesn’t matter how many of them there are because now we’re dead.”

“At least we’ll be able to get that mushroom now!” Phil said. Dan laughed, and suddenly he realised he didn't even care if they were stuck in the same spot all day. 

Although, to Dan's surprise within half an hour they reached the end of the level.

“Wow, I didn’t think we could do it!” Dan said.

“Told you! See we’ll have completed the whole game in no time."

“Hardly, that level took us about 10 times longer than it normally should." 

“Well, your instructions were confusing at first."   
  
"Well, it would have helped if you hadn't distracted me with all your commentary," Dan said.

"Oh please, I know you love my commentary. I can hear it in your voice. I bet you're smiling that smile where your cute little dimples come out,” Phil said, and Dan was just glad Phil still wearing the bear beanie over his eyes. “Ooh can I take this off, I want to see you blush,” Phil teased.

“Nope we’re starting the next level!” Dan said quickly, and Phil laughed and pushed start. After the third level Dan found his eyes drooping.  
  
“Bear?”

“Mmm?” Dan said, his eyes now fallen closed.

“Hey you look tired,” Phil said quietly.

“You should still have... your blindfold... on,” Dan mumbled.

“I think it’s time for a rest,”

“I was literally... just sleeping,”

“That was nearly two hours ago,”

“Oh…wow that went...really...fast..’

“I know it was really fun."

“Yeah…you’re so smart.. to think of stuff like that…” Dan mumbled, falling asleep before he could hear Phil's reply. 

 

 

_Ryan was punching him...no,not again...not again...it hurts make it stop make it stop hurting...suddenly it stopped hurting but Ryan was still there...he had his book...no that was his book...that book was filled with all the words Phil had messaged him over the year...he was tearing it apart...his heart ached...noooo...they were his words....his book…no they were his words, Phil gave him those words_

“Bear wake up, it’s okay,” Phil said. _Phil? Phil!_

“Phil?” Dan said, opening his eyes, heart pounding in his chest. 

“Oh no, Bear, it’s okay,” Phil said, and suddenly Dan realised there were tears down his face. His mind kept flicking between the dream and the event that had inspired it. He'd circled all the words Phil had messaged him in a dictionary, and Ryan had snatched it from his hands, destroying every last page with his own set of words for Dan. He remembered feeling devastated, as if Ryan had taken all of Phil's kind words away from him. 

Suddenly a suddenly a glass of water appeared in front of Dan. “It was just a dream, you’re okay," Phil said, as he held the straw for Dan to drink from.

“What happened to that?” Dan said, after taking a drink. 

“The water? You drank it!” Phil said.

“No! My book,” Dan said sadly, not able to remember what he'd done with it. 

“Oh, do you mean-“ Phil began.

“That one...the one....the one Ryan destroyed, ” Dan said quietly. 

“Oh Bear-“ Phil sighed, sitting down beside him.

“Is it still on my floor?" Dan asked, suddenly remembering tossing it to the floor while on Skype to Phil. 

“Um…I’m not sure,” Phil said.

“Doesn’t matter,” Dan said quickly, “could be in the bin for all I care.”

“Bear-”

“Yeah let’s talk about something else, what are we doing now?” Dan said, trying to stop himself from crying anymore. He hadn't thought about it ages, but now he was thinking about it, suddenly all the feelings were back and it felt like it just happened. 

"Are you sure?" Phil asked gently. 

"I shouldn't even be thinking about this, it was ages ago, I don't even know why I dreamt of it," Dan said, wishing his mind would stop pulling out his worst memories for him to relive. 

"Bear...I was going to give this to you later, but um, I think i'm going to give it to you now," Phil said. 

"What?" 

"Hang on, I'll just get it," Phil darted back into Dan's room, and came out with another brown paper bag. 

“So, um...it's quite strange that you would dream of this now because well...ever since you told me what happened, I’d been working on this for you. I knew how much the words meant to you, and so it’s like a book of all the words and what they meant,” Phil said, blushing as he presented a thick spiral bound notebook to Dan, with the words. _Reason’s why Dan’s Amazing (by an expert of being amazing)_

"Phil-"

“I know, you liked writing them out yourself, and I know it's not the same but-“

“It’s so much better,” Dan said, tears falling out of his eyes. The words had meant so much to him and it had felt like Ryan and taken them all way…but now he had them back. “Phil you would have sent me thousands of messages...you must have been working on this for so long!” 

“I started it that night," Phil said. "You were so upset, and I knew you wouldn't remake it yourself...I just wanted to make you happy again." 

"Aww, Phil, this...this really means so much," Dan said, his eyes beginning to water.

"I had planned on doing this later, so I'll read you some for when I planned. Or would you prefer now?" Phil asked.  

"Oh whenever you want Phil, sorry if my dream messed up your plans." 

"No! Of course not, kind of made it even more perfect," Phil smiled. "So um, should we move onto the next activity?" 

"Yeah, what now?" Dan said, wondering what else Phil had planned for him,

"Let’s breed some dogs!” Phil said happily, opening up his laptop.

“What?” Dan laughed.

“It’s this game I play with myself! Okay so I’m going to say a dog breed and then you are going to say a dog breed. Then we’re going to see what they look like if you breed them together!”

“Okay,” Dan laughed.

“Corgi,” Phil said, typing _corgi cross_ into Google.

“Uh golden retriever?" Dan suggested. 

“Aww look at them all! They’re all like golden fluffy corgis! Also, we have to remember our favorites so we can pick which one we want to adopt.”

“Okay,” Dan said.

“Obviously this is just in theory,” Phil added.

“What? I thought we were going to go adopt it this afternoon! Now I'm just disappointed” Dan joked.

“Oh Bear, one day we'll be able to get a dog” Phil said then blushed. “I didn't mean…like not necessarily together or anything-‘

“I know,” Dan laughed, wondering why Phil got so embarrassed by the thought of adopting a dog together when he made so many jokes about them getting married.

After an hour of smiling and laughing at all the different dogs, they came to a short list of about 5 different cross breeds (all of which included corgis, not that Dan was surprised.)

"I can't pick! Let's just adopt them all," Dan said. 

"Great, I'll set it up so we get them the day after our wedding," Phil said.

"Well we'll have to have our own house then too," Dan said, only blushing slightly having become so desensitized to Phil's marriage jokes. 

"Better hope I get a few million subscribers to pay for that," Phil laughed.

"You probably will one day Phil," Dan said seriously.

"Well I doubt that many people will ever be watching YouTube!" Phil said. 

"But like, you're so great at making videos Phil," Dan said.

"Aww, thanks Bear. I think you'd be great at making videos too." 

"God no," Dan said. "I'd just embarrass myself." 

"Of course not! Just make one video, and you'll probably surprise yourself," Phil said.

"I don't even know anything about making videos," 

"I can teach you!" 

"Well maybe."

"Maybe! Yes Progress! I'll have you making videos in no time at all," Phil laughed and Dan rolled his eyes. "Whatever, what are we doing next?"   
  
"You will give it a shot won't you?" 

"What?" 

"Youtube - you have to! You're so funny and so engaging," Phil insisted. 

"Only you think that Phil," Dan sighed. 

"Well I'm sure there are lots of people who would agree with me if they saw your videos," Phil said. 

"I don't know Phil...not while I'm at school" 

"Okay."

"Okay?" 

"As soon as you finish school I'm going to make you make videos! I can't wait," Phil beamed. 

"Sure," Dan said, hoping Phil would just forget (but hiding, perhaps even from himself, that he desperately wished he could.) "Well, what's next on my birthday agenda?"  

“Board game time!” Phil beamed.

“Wow, playing against yourself?” 

“Well I’ll roll for you and move your piece for you, but you’ll make all the decisions,”

“What are we-‘

“Monopoly!”

“Phil monopoly lasts forever-“

“I know that, we’ll just play until you're tired and we’ll just see who has the most property value and then they’ll win."

“Ahh so I need a short term strategy,” Dan said.

“Err…there’s a difference?”

“Of course there is Phil,” Dan said, already planning a strategy to win. 

“Um okay, well don’t get too competitive,” Phil laughed. “What am I saying? You’re like the most competitive person! Why did I think this was a good idea?”

“So you can see me a happy winner on my birthday!”

“Hey! I could win!"

“No way you’re beating me Phil." 

“We’ll see, okay, let’s start.”

“I go first since it’s my birthday.”

“Okay,” Phil laughed, rolling the dice for him. The time passed very quickly, and Dan seemed to have the best luck with Phil rolling doubles for him every other turn, and Phil seeming to land on all his properties. 

“I’m tired,” Dan yawned after they'd been playing for a while. 

“Are you just saying that because you know you’re in the lead?”

“Phil I’ve been in the lead this entire time," Dan laughed.

“Well you just got lucky!”

"Well I still chose to buy all the properties."  

“Well, congrats Bear, I’m glad you won, it is your birthday after all."

“You didn’t let me win did you?”

“Maybe!” Phil said. 

“You’re just saying that." 

Phil laughed, “I’m afraid I really was trying my hardest."

“Well there will be plenty of time for rematches over summer,” Dan smiled.

“See summer’s going to be great Bear!” Phil beamed.

“I know,” Dan smiled, thinking that perhaps he'd rather be stuck on the couch with injuries than be without Phil. 

“Well sleep now. I’ll be really close by…I’m just setting something up, so if you wake up and I’m not here, just yell out and I’ll be right back, okay?”

“What are you setting up?”

“You’ll see, just have a good nap, okay?”

 

 

When Dan woke Phil was right beside him.

"So what are we doing now?” Dan asked excitedly, wondering what Phil had been setting up. 

“Well, I was planning for us to go outside for a bit,” Phil said.

“Outside? My backyard right?” Dan checked.

“Yep, and I have a vigorous exercise program planned for us."   
  
“Great, I’ll exercise my eyes shall I?"

“Well they probably need a workout after all that sleeping,”

“Eyes move loads in sleep-“

“Then maybe they need an eye yoga session.”

“Haha Phil,” Dan said sarcastically. 

“It’s a thing!”

“Sure it is."

"Oh, here's your Dad,' Phil said. 

"Having a good day?: he asked.

"The best," Dan said, as his Dad helped him into his wheelchair and wheeled him to the door leading to the backyard. "Have fun." 

“Wow this is heavier than I expected,” Phil said, taken over the wheelchair as he pushed Dan outside. “How does your Dad do this all the time?”

“I have no idea,” Dan said. “Aww, Phil!” Dan said, taking in the setup outside. He’d moved their plastic table into the middle of the lawn, placed a picnic rug over it and decorated it with flowers from all over their garde, and in the middle, was a large chocolate birthday cake.

“Well I wanted to have a picnic with you, but I figured it might be a bit difficult for you to sit down on the grass, so here we are, “ Phil said.

“This is perfect Phil!” Dan said, looking at the various flowers Phil had picked for the garden to decorate the table. “I like all the flowers.“

“I'm glad! I love flowers,” Phil said, tucking a flower behind each of his ears.

“Flower for you?” Phil said holding out a flower to him.

“Thanks Phil,” Dan laughed, wishing he could take it from him.

“Can I put it behind your ear?”

“If you like."

“Yay!” Phil beamed, “Ahh you look so adorable!”

“Can you hold my hand?” Dan asked, blushing.

“Course,” Phil smiled, moving his chair next to Dan’s wheelchair, and resting his hand inside Dan's. 

"It's actually kind of nice out here," Dan said.

"Well you've spent most of the week stuck in one place, probably nice to get some fresh air," Phil said. 

"True," Dan said. 

“Let’s go cloud spotting,” Phil said suddenly looking up to the sky.

“What?”

“We try to see shapes in the clouds!” 

“Okay,” Dan laughed. It certainly wasn't something he'd do on his own, but Phil sure loved this kind of thing.  

“It’s a squirrel! That one looks like a chair, ooh there's a dog sitting on a chair! What do you see?”

“They all look like sheep.“

“That's not very creative,” Phil said.

“It’s very logical, look they’re all fluffy like sheep!"

“No, you’re meant to look at the shapes!"

“Fine that one's a fluffy poodle and that one's a fluffy alpaca-.”

“That’s not how this works.’

“Okay fine. That one looks like a teacup,” Dan said.

“Oh yeah! I see it too!”

“See I can play your cloud game,”

“Have you never done this before?”

“Ah yes with all my friends." 

"Well, I used to do this lying in my backyard by myself over summer.” 

“Aww,” Dan said, imagining a tiny Phil lying in the grass looking out for cloud animals.

“Now you have to tell me something you did as a kid over summer." 

“Nothing I just sat inside playing video games all day.”

“You never went outside?”

“Ew outside? Why would I want to?"  
  
“To see all these flowers?" Phil suggested.

“Yeah and pick their petals offand say he loves me he loves me not while thinking about all my crushes,” Dan said sarcastically.

“Did you have many crushes as a kid?”

“What?” Dan said suddenly nervous at the question. Why was Phil asking him that? 

“It’s okay Bear, I’m not offended, I had more crushes than I can count,” Phil laughed.

“Oh it’s not that…I just..." Dan sighed. "I actually never had a crush before you.”

“Oh wow, really?” Phil smiled. “That’s so sweet,’

“Is that strange?” Dan asked. Until he found Phil...it had always worried him that he'd never had any kind of feeling for anyone else. Everyone else seemed to...why didn't he? 

"Bear, there's nothing wrong with being different." 

“But everyone has crushes,” Dan said.

“Nah! It's a whole spectrum Bear, some people never get crushes, you know, everyone experiences these things differently. For you, well maybe you’re heart was just waiting for the right person, that’s all.”

“Oh..yeah I suppose so,” Dan blushed.

“Can I kiss you?” Phil asked.

“Yeah,” Dan said, feeling his heart racing as Phil pressed his lips against his and that warm loved feeling traveled through Dan's whole body. 

“Cake time?” Phil smiled, pointing to the cake in the middle of the table. “So um…when I decided to get you a cake, I didn’t exactly think about how messy cake can be,” Phil said, cutting a piece of cake and placing it on a plastic plate.

“Who cares, it’s just crumbs, give me cake!”

“Okay,” Phil laughed, feeding Dan the cake with a plastic fork.

“Hey! Pay attention while feeding me!” Dan said, as Phil missed his mouth and icing ended up on his nose.

“Sorry! I was looking at that cloud!” Phil said, looking back at Dan. “Aww, you look adorable!”

“You’re lucky you didn’t get a fork in my eye or something!”

“Sorry,” Phil laughed.

“Are you going to wipe it off?"

“But you look so cute!” Phil said.

“Kiss me," Dan said, wanting to get icing on Phil's face too. 

“What?”

“Lean in, I want to kiss you!" 

“You’ll just tilt your head so I’ll get icing on my face!”

“Wouldn’t that be worth it?”

“I guess so,” Phil laughed, leaning in, but rather than kissing him he just pressed his nose against Dan’s. “Happy?" 

“No I wanted you to kiss me too."

“Fine,” Phil laughed, placing a kiss on Dan's lips.

“Thanks for the cake Phil,” Dan said, then laughed looking at the icing all over Phil’s face,

“Aww Bear, well I’m glad you liked it,” Phil said, wiping the icing off both their faces.

“Tasted good.”

“I baked it myself."

“Did you actually?”

“No! I can’t bake,” Phil laughed. “Your Dad just got it from the supermarket,”

“Oh right,” Dan said. “I actually don’t think I’ve had a birthday cake in like 10 years. Like until I was about seven my parents did stuff for me…but then I don’t know," Dan sighed. "Dad's so good now...but for like 10 years... I was kind of left on my own,” Dan admitted.

“I think this has all been a bit of a wakeup call for your Dad,” Phil sighed.

“What do you mean?”

“Well Bear…I know you didn’t see him much for a really long time. I think when you reached out and asked him for help with the bullying…well he seemed to finally realise that even though you could walk and talk and feed yourself, you still needed him.”

“I guess,” Dan said, feeling tears in his eyes for all the years he needed his Dad and he wasn’t there.

“Oh Bear, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you cry,”

“No I was kind of thinking it anyway,” Dan admitted. “just like, seeing how much he’s helped lately, kind of makes me wonder why he didn’t all those years...if he could have helped before, maybe things wouldn't have got so bad at school" Dan sighed.  

“I know, but at least we met because of it," Phil said gently.

"Yeah," Dan smiled.

"I think he always cared," Phil said. "He just got caught up in work and stuff, which isn’t an excuse, but like, he still loved you" Phil said gently, but for some reason Dan felt a tear falling down his face.

“Eugh, why am I crying?" Dan sniffed. "I'm being stupid, look how much he’s helping now, I mean he took months off work, he’s paying for me to see you all next year. I just.. I don't know," Dan sighed, not even sure how to place what he was feeling.

“It’s okay to be sad Bear. These things...it was a long time Bear, it's okay to feel sad about it sometimes. Are you thinking about your Mum too?” Phil asked tentatively.

“God I feel nothing when it comes to her, just hope she stays out of my life,” Dan said angrily.

“Yeah…you’re Dad mentioned to me about the Singapore thing.”

“I’m just glad she’s not here,” Dan said.

“Well I’m glad if you’re glad” Phil said, although he did seem upset.

“You think she should be here?"

“No, I just…its just unfortunate the way things are with her.”

“Whatever,” Dan sighed. In truth he felt all kinds of things when he thought about his Mum, usually repressing them, but suddenly without planning it Dan found himself talking about it all, losing track of how long he spent telling Phil about his parents. He shared memories that he’d never shared before, things he hadn’t even thought about in years. Perhaps it was the warm air, or Phil’s calming presence beside him but somehow Dan only shed a few tears. Like always, Phil was the perfect listener, nodding in the right places, comforting Dan at the perfect times, asking questions in all the pauses. It reminded Dan of all the Skype calls he spent upset over the people at school, although this time Phil’s fingers were intertwined in his. 

“It’s been a while since I’ve let you talk like this,” Phil sighed.

“What?”

“Oh, I do feel a little bad for talking about my past for so long.”

“Phil talking about all your past has been amazing. I mean, obviously it’s really sad for me to here, but it’s been so good to talk about it. Don’t feel bad, all I’ve wanted since the accident is to forget about all my school stuff and everything, so listening to you has been perfect for that," Dan assured him. 

“Oh I’m glad,” Phil said, looking relieved. “I was just like, oh no I came all this way for him and just talked about my stuff!"  

“Phil,” Dan laughed. “You know its not like that. We've talked about me heaps as well, I just hope I was a good at listening as you always are.”

“The Best Bear, you’ve always been good at listening…but like with that list, you heard things in my head that I didn’t even say,” Phil smiled. "Speaking of, how about I read you those pages from the book I made you?" 

"Oh yeah!" Dan said, somehow having forgotten about the book for a little while.

"Okay, so here's what I wrote on the first page:  _Bear,_   _this whole book is filled reasons why you are an amazing person. I really mean every word I messaged you, and I wrote out all the meanings so you can see for yourself just how great you are. If you ever feel sad, or if anyone ever tells you otherwise, I hope you can read these and remember that no matter what, you are so incredible and have so much to offer the world.  Love Phil (the amazing) P.S. I also included the more...flirty ones...because I know they always make you laugh even if you find them cheesy. "_

"Aww Phil," Dan said, trying not to cry again. 

"Okay, so I also added a couple pages to the back last night that I want to read you," Phil said flicking to the back of the book.

"Oh my god, Phil every page is filled with words." 

"Well I did send a lot!" Phil laughed. "Okay, here we are," Phil said, arriving at the back of the book. 

_"So I really want you to remember...whatever happens in life Bear...even if I wasn't completely in love with you, you would still be all these words! I know our relationship is really special, but you are still completely special on your own, no matter who thinks you are or aren't. However, since I am and probably (ok definitely) will be in love with you forever, here are some of (not all, as that list is endless) the reasons why I personally love you so much,"_

_"_ Phil!" Dan said, blushing as his eyes scanned over the page. 

"I wrote this last night when I was...really really overwhelmed, in a good way, by your list. So brace yourself as you might find this cheesier than the whole book," Phil said.

"No Phil...it's not...just...just read it," Dan said, tearing up as his eyes took in some of the words from the page. 

" _You're really beautiful, inside and out. That's the first word that comes to mind when I think of you. You have such pretty eyes and such a kind smile, you're just so caring and nice, and you get this look in your eyes when I'm talking about things that make me sad, like all you want to do is take care of me, and it just makes me feel so loved and warm inside. I just love how much you listen, the way you listen to me as if I'm the most interesting person in the world and how you hear things I don't even say. And in reverse I_ _love the way you talk. How you can talk about anything and make it sound intriguing. How you sound so passionate when talking about your favourite things, and your eyes light up and you smile that smile where your dimples come out. I love just how strong you are, how you've dealt with so much this year, but still been brave enough to keep going, and brave enough to talk to someone you really liked about it all. I like how you share your feelings, I like how we talk about how we feel and lately how much we talk about how we're feeling about ourselves and about each other. I love the way we can be completely ourselves together. I love you so much._

 _"_ Phil I love you so much, thank you, thank you Phil," Dan said, tears falling out of his eyes.

"Aww, that's okay, thank you for just being you Bear," Phil said. 

"Can we kiss now?" Dan asked.

"Oh yeah, I didn't write it but I really love the way we kiss," Phil smiled.

"Me too Phil," Dan said. 

Dan lost track of how long they spent kissing, it could have been hours or days or weeks, in which Dan felt Phil's soft lip's against his, feeling completely immersed in the feeling that Phil loved him, and thinking about how much he loved Phil back.

"I love you Bear," Phil said.

"I really love you Phil."

"I really love you...Dan." 

"Dan!?" Dan said shocked at the use of his actual name.

"Dan," Phil smiled, a warm look in his blue eyes.

"Dan?" Dan asked again.

"Well it is your name...I want it to be  _your_ name not his...so I think I'd like to call you when it feels right, if that's okay with you," 

"Of course Phil! Dan, Bear, as long as it's your voice I love it," 

"And I love you," Phil said, tears falling down his face. 

They kissed for a while longer, Dan's heart swelling with more love than he would have ever thought possible, marveling that all the coincidences that happened to lead to him to be kissing Phil Lester in his backyard on his birthday. 

The rest of the night passed quickly, and neither Dan nor Phil could stop smiling the whole night. Dan's Dad ordered Chinese Takeaway for dinner, and all three of them ate it together in the living room, laughing over a story Phil told about getting lost on the way to his 17th birthday dinner. His Dad then helped him change, and Dan and Phil sat on the couch in their pyjamas, hand in hand, while they watched Kill Bill, one of their favourite movies (although they most of it watching each other's reactions rather than the film itself). 

"Today's been perfect Phil," Dan said, feeling his eyes drifting shut.

"Well, I still have my last present for you," Phil said. 

"Another one? I don't think I have any tears left," Dan said, remembering Phil saying it was special. 

"You don't need to cry, and you probably won't anyway," Phil laughed, opening up his laptop. "So I realised the thing you loved most in the world, well apart from me," Phil teased, "is my videos. So um..I figured I'd make you one."

"Oh my god," Dan said. After years of watching Phil's videos, Phil had made one just for him? "Phil I'm already about to cry!" 

"Aww, well...um it's filmed in your bedroom actually and its the story...well you'll see," Phil smiled and pressed play. 

“Hey Bear,” the Phil in the video waved.

“Hey Phil,” Dan whispered, and the Phil beside him laughed. Dan blushed knowing how many times he had done that when Phil couldn’t hear him.

“So Happy Birthday!!!! Birthday Dance!"

It was the familiar music and familiar editing style, but this time it was all for him. 

“So I’m going to tell you a story I haven’t told you before. Despite all the time we’ve spent talking and all the times we’ve told each other we loved each other, I never really told you about the moment I realised I was in love with you. So we were Skyping, obviously,” Phil in the video laughed and so did the Phil beside him. "It was a Sunday afternoon and I was really tired after work and you were wearing your Muse shirt and we were talking about Final Fantasy 7," Phil said and suddenly Dan's heart was racing as he knew which moment Phil was going to talk about.

"We were practically reliving the game together without even playing it, and you began talking about how much you loved the soundtrack, so I asked you what your favourite song was and you said-" 

"Interrupted by Fireworks," Dan said, at the same time as the Phil in the video. 

"I couldn’t remember which one that was, and you kept trying to sing it to me," Phil smiled. "Then you couldn't remember how a certain part went so you found the song on your laptop and started playing it, and you said  _this song always makes me feel so many things, you know?_ And when you said that I didn't know, but after we listened too it...man did I know.

"So while you played it, for some reason you were completely staring off into space, which was unusual, as normally you looked at me," Phil said and Dan blushed. He remembered forcing himself to not look at Phil while he played the song...it made him feel so many things already, and he was terrified it would make him blurt out his love for Phil, (as at the time he was completely sure Phil didn't like him back).

"So for once I got a chance to stare at you, without worrying about you seeing how much I liked you...and Bear oh my god, that song made me feel so many things. Like my heart was just racing the whole time looking at you and hearing the song, and suddenly I wanted nothing more that to be right next to you listening to your favourite song instead of stuck behind a screen. I realised it didn’t matter if we were talking or sitting in silence - all I wanted was to be with you," Phil said with a shy smile.

"Then as I thought that, suddenly your eyes flickered back to me, and you smiled that sweet smile of yours and I still don’t know what you were smiling at, I think you were just happy we were listening to the song together," Phil said.

"Yeah, and I loved you," Dan whispered. Phil laughed, and moved the video back a couple seconds to cover what they'd missed.

"But in that moment suddenly it felt like my heart completely stopped and in my mind I was just like, I love you! It hit me quite suddenly I almost said it aloud, and I kind of stuttered a bit and you were like _what?_ And I was like _oh! I love the song_ ,” Phil laughed.

"I didn't notice," Dan whispered, wishing he had. 

"If only we'd been brave enough to admit it then!" the Phil in the video continued. "We were both so scared we wouldn't like each other...but hey look at us now!" Dan glanced at Phil and blushed when he realised Phil had probably been watching him the entire time. "Now I can tell you I love you as much as I like. I love you more than anything. You honestly make me so so happy, like the happiest I've ever been," Phil smiled. "I thought...I really thought I never wanted to be in love, but you changed everything for me, and I hope we can be together for a really long time Bear, I love you so much," Phil said, holding his hands in a heart to the camera.

“I love you too Phil,” Dan said, very aware that there were tears now covering his face. "You've changed everything for me too." 

“Bear!” Phil said, grabbing a tissue.

“Thank you Phil, that was so amazing, I...I remember that time really well. I was trying hard not to look at you because I already felt so in love with you, and...like i was scared I would suddenly tell you I loved you...just because the song is so-" 

"I know," Phil laughed.

"Can we play the song? You said you wanted to sit next to me while listening to it, now we can," Dan smiled.

"Oh of course," Phil beamed, pulling up the song on his laptop. 

"On repeat," Dan instructed. 

"Sure," Phil said and they both smiled as the familiar song started playing. There was something about the song that always made Dan's heart melt, and with Phil beside him Dan was feeling all kinds of emotions again. 

"Thankyou Phil, for everything, for this perfect day all the presents, and talking," Dan smiled, 

"Aww, that's okay!" Phil said, moving closer to Dan. "Can I kiss you...Dan?" 

"Yes Phil," Dan said, smiling at the sound of his name in Phil's voice, against the beautiful sounds of their song in the background. 

"Thanks for letting me plan your birthday.'  Phil said between kisses. 

"Oh Phil, thank you," Dan said. He didn't say it aloud, but as Phil leaned into to kiss him again, Dan felt the happiest and most loved he'd ever felt in his life. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what your favourite part was <3


	35. Chapter 35

When Dan woke he was surprised to feel Phil’s hand was still curled inside his. It felt so nice and warm, and Dan blushed as he realised that Phil had probably been watching him sleep. How long had he been asleep for? Dan opened his eyes to find the room completely dark, the house silent save for the soft sound of Phil’s breathing beside him.

“Phil?” Dan whispered, and with Phil's lack of reply Dan realised that Phil must have fallen asleep too. Dan felt himself blushing as he tried to figure out what happened. Had his Dad walked in, seen them both sleeping then turned off the light? Or had Phil turned it off and decided to come sleep next to Dan? Either way, Dan couldn’t help but feel like there was something very intimate about falling asleep hand in hand.

Dan’s eyes adjusted to the darkness and he looked over at Phil. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, his chest rising and falling with each breath, his hand curled against a pillow – the pillow from Dan’s bed, he realised with a smile.  He’d known Phil was using his bed and his pillow, but somehow seeing him cuddling it like that made Dan’s heart beat that little bit faster. Dan sighed, he only wished Phil could cuddle him like that. _One day._ Dan reminded himself. 

Dan smiled as he remembered everything that happened before he fell asleep. The book of words Phil had made him, all their conversations, their kisses, the video Phil had made him. He’d thought he had been as in love with Phil as he could possibly be, but after his birthday his heart must have grown, because he was more in love with Phil than ever before. There was this nice, warm feeling that had settled in his chest, knowing just how much Phil loved him in return. Dan felt tears welling in his eyes again. _Stop it Dan you’ve cried enough today._ But looking at Phil, and reflecting on everything Phil had done for him, he couldn’t really stop the tears from falling.

“Bear?” Phil whispered, opening his eyes and sitting up straight. Had Phil been awake this whole time? “It’s okay, it was just a dream,” Phil said gently and Dan found himself letting out a laugh.

“What’s funny?” Phil asked, reaching to the coffee table and putting on his glasses (which Dan realised meant he’d left Dan sleeping to go take out his contacts…and come back to hold Dan’s hand and sleep next to him…)  
  
“I wasn't crying for fear or anything...I was just really happy,” Dan admitted.

“Aww Bear!” Phil said, letting out his own laugh.

“So I guess you decided to sleep here?” Dan smiled.

“Well, um…you fell asleep, so I went to take out my contacts and did go back to bed…but um, I kind of missed you and since I don’t actually have to be apart from you just yet-“ Phil continued but Dan couldn’t take in anymore words.

_I don’t actually have to be apart from you just yet_

Dan could feel his heart sinking in his chest, felt like the room was collapsing in on him as he remembered what was happening in the morning. No! How could he have forgotten? Phil was leaving to go sit his exams! How would he cope without Phil? Aside from feeling like his heart was being ripped from his chest just at the thought of Phil leaving, how was he going to manage when he panicked? He could never escape his bad thoughts on his own, what would happen without Phil?

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, perhaps feeling Dan’s hand shaking in his.

“Um…I just…somehow I forgot…I just realised, you have exams,” Dan said, his voice catching in his throat as it hit him that he was facing a whole week without Phil beside him.

“Oh Bear, it’s okay,” Phil said gently. He let go of Dan’s hand to turn on the light and get a box of tissues “Here,” Phil said, wiping some tears off Dan’s cheeks.

“I don’t know how I forgot,” Dan said, feeling confused.

“Hey, don’t worry about it, we just got busy with your birthday, didn’t we?” Phil smiled, taking Dan’s hand again.

“Yeah,” Dan said, trying to stop the tears flowing down his face, desperately not wanting to have a meltdown in front of Phil. The last thing he wanted was for Phil to feel bad for leaving, when he didn’t even have to come back at all. Phil was giving up his whole summer for him, Dan couldn’t cry because he had to leave for one week.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked, his eyes looking watery too.

 “Um…I’m just…I’m going to miss you a bit,” Dan said quietly, hoping he wouldn't make Phil feel bad by saying it. 

“Well, I’m going to miss you loads Bear” Phil said.

“Oh, of course I'll miss you way more than a bit Phil.  I just didn’t want to make you feel bad for having to go do your exams,” Dan admitted.

“You’re allowed to miss me! You’re my boyfriend so I think I’d be a little upset if you didn’t miss me at all,” Phil smiled. “Besides, I literally came out here to sleep next to you since I missed you from the other room,” Phil said sheepishly.

“Oh,” Dan blushed.

“It’s gonna be a hard week for both of us,” Phil sighed, looking down at their joined hands.

“Really hard,” Dan said, tears still flowing. He tried to tell himself it was just a week, but a week was such a long time. Especially since all he could do was sit on the couch and wait for Phil to come back. Dan felt himself shaking just thinking about how much he was going to miss Phil. His heart felt like it was aching, pounding hard, against his chest, begging Phil to stay. _It’s just a week._ But how would he go without Phil’s company to distract him from his thoughts and from his pain? What was he going to do when he got so worried about school he felt like he couldn’t breathe? Dan could already feel his heart racing at the thought.

“Hey Bear, is there something in particular on your mind?” Phil asked gently.

“What do I do…Phil if I panic…I can’t,” Dan had no idea how to get out of that mindset once he was in it. In the past it had only ended by Phil calming him down or…”What if I throw up again? What if I faint again? I just…I can’t do it by myself.“

“I know it’s really scary,” Phil said, tracing the back of Dan’s hand. “But you’re not going to be completely by yourself. Your Dad will be here.”

“But he can’t help like you,” Dan said quickly.

“I know, that’s why I’ll be with you on Skype the whole time,” Phil said.

“Really?”

“Well obviously I’ll have to sit my exams, but other than that we’ll be connected by a Skype call the whole time. We can set your laptop up today, on the coffee table here, and you can call me first thing every morning.”  
  
“But Phil I can’t lean forward to press the buttons.”

“I know,” Phil sighed. “But I can show your Dad how to turn on your laptop and how to call me, and every time you wake up you can call me so I’ll pretty much still be with you the whole time."

“Okay,” Dan said. It could be okay, of course it would be. Phil could still help him, it was no different from when they used to Skype all the time. Just…now he knew what he was missing.

“I know it’s not the same, but I’ll still be able to help you.” Phil said.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said, suddenly feeling guilty.

“Oh, why?” Phil asked.

“Because you have to help me so much,’ Dan said. Phil should be able to go sit his exams without spending every possible second on Skype to Dan just in case he needed him.

“Bear, I like helping you,” Phil smiled.

“But I feel so bad, I should just be manage my stress on my own-“

“Of course not,” Phil said gently. “You’re going through a tough time, and your mind isn’t going easy on you, so sometimes you need some help with that, and that’s okay."

“But,”

“No Bear,” Phil said, sterner than Dan would have expected. “Listen do you feel like you should be able to move your broken shoulder right now?”

“N-no,” Dan stammered.

“You know how I have to feed you, and your Dad has to help you to the bathroom and all, do you think you should be able to do that on your own?”

“Well no."

“So you shouldn’t expect the same of your brain! It needs time to heal, and some help to do so,” Phil said. "It’s the same thing. Speaking of…I really don’t want to alarm you, but had you remembered you’re starting to see a therapist tomorrow?”

“WHAT!?”

“It’s going to be okay.”

“But oh my god what I am meant to say? What if I can’t answer her questions?”

“It’s not a test.”

“What if she’s mean?”

“Then you don’t have to see her again.”

“What if she's so mean she makes me cry?”

“That’s very unlikely but if she does I’ll make her cry, okay?”

“But Phil I can’t…she’s going to ask me about it and I can’t talk about it, I’m terrible at explaining how I feel."

“Bear you’re actually really good at talking about your feelings. Also remember this is her job, she’s used to talking with people about things that are hard to talk about. “

“But what if I just sit there, frozen and can’t say anything?”

“Well, I um…I did put together a few things to help you." 

“What do you mean?”

“You don't have to use any of it. All I did was write out a rough list of what happened at school and also I made another one about me, just in terms of how we met and stuff-"

"Oh no she's going to-  
   
"Bear she won't judge you, I promise," Phil said. "It's just so she can understand the whole situation better. Anyway, I don't mind if you use it or not, it doesn't have like your exact thoughts or feelings or anything, I figured it just might be useful to look a as a starting point if you're not sure what to say. Or if you get really lost, then you could even give it to her if you like.”

“Phhiiilll,” Dan laughed, as relief flooded through his body. The thing he’d been dreading most was having to explain everything from the start, but now he could just give over Phil’s notes? “That’s the biggest relief, thank you so much Phil."

“Yay!” Phil beamed. "I was a little worried I'd overstepped the line." 

"Of course not Phil, that really makes me feel a lot better," Dan said. 

"I'm so glad," Phil smiled.

“But I am still kind of scared,” Dan admitted.

“Anything in particular?"   
  
"Just the whole thing," Dan sighed.

"I can't know exactly what it will be like for you, but do you think it could help if I talked about what happens when I see my psychologist?

“Oh, wow," Dan said, not expecting Phil to talk about what happened in his therapy sessions. "Only if you're happy too."

“Of course,” Phil smiled, and began explaining the kinds of things he'd talked about in his sessions. He talked about it so positively, explaining how it had helped him understand his thoughts and feelings better, and had given him loads of ways to cope for when his thoughts became too much. He traced his fingers across the back of Dan's hand as he talked, and by the time Phil was finished Dan was feeling a lot less scared about his appointment.  

“It's helped me a lot, so I hope it can help you," Phil said. 

“What if it doesn’t?” Dan said quietly. 

“Then we’ll find another way,” Phil said. _We’ll._ Dan smiled, what had he done to deserve Phil?

"We should probably get some sleep Bear," Phil yawned.  “Now I only sat next to you since you had fallen asleep sitting up, but if you’d prefer to lie down I can go sit in that armchair.”

“Nah…stay,” Dan said, liking the feeling of Phil’s hand in his.

Phil stayed next to Dan the whole night, seeming to wake just in time to help him calm down from whatever awful nightmare crossed his mind. Although every time he did this it made Dan's heart ache a little more, knowing how much he was going to miss him once he was gone, remembering that every passing minute meant Phil’s departure was getting closer and closer. Breakfast time arrived and Phil fed Dan his cereal, both teary eyed as they knew they would be apart in a few hours.

“Oh no, I just realised my Dad will have to feed me,” Dan sighed.

“I’m sorry,” Phil sighed.

“Don’t be! Phil you don’t even have to come back at all.“

“Bear stop making it sound like a burden for me! You keep forgetting I _want_ to come back,” Phil smiled. “Hey, before I forget, I should get your password off you, so I can show your Dad how to Skype and all.”

“Oh no,” Dan groaned, heart stopping as he remembered what he’d last set his password as.

“Why oh no?” Phil smiled. “What’s your password?”

“I’m not telling you,” Dan said, feeling himself blushing. Why had he set it as _that?_

“Fine tell your Dad instead,” Phil smirked.

“No, I’ll just change it. Hold my laptop for me, I’ll type it with my left hand.”  
  
“But your elbow’s still sprained.”

“I don’t type with my elbow.”

“Yeah but all your muscles and bones are connected! If you type it might hurt your elbow!”

“It won’t Phil, if I can hold your hand I can type-“

“I’m not letting you type,” Phil said, sounding stern all of a sudden.

“Why not?” Dan groaned.

“Because I'm scared you might injure yourself! Then you might need to wait even longer for it to heal. Please Bear, you understand right?”

“I guess,” Dan sighed, but he still desperately didn’t want to have to tell Phil his password.

“Come on, what’s your password?” Phil smiled but Dan didn’t respond. “Can I guess?

“No.”

“It’s to do with me, right?” Phil grinned.

“No.”

“Phil?”

“No.”

“AmazingPhil?”

“Wow, assuming it’s about yourself.”

“Well you wouldn’t be acting like this if it wasn’t!” Phil laughed. “Phil Lester?”

“No.”

“I love Phil?”

“No!”

“Hmmm, am I ever going to guess?”

“Probably not.”

“You have to tell me at some point.”

“But you’ll just laugh at me!”

“No I won’t,” Phil laughed.

“You’re laughing right now!”

“Because you’re so cute!”

“Your compliments aren’t going to make me tell you.”

“But how are we going to skype? You want to skype, right?

“Fine…it’s…” Dan sighed, knowing that he had to tell Phil or his Dad, and he’d rather tell Phil. “Don’t laugh.’

“I won’t.”

“It’s not serious, I just liked the way it sounded, that’s all.”

“Okay,” Phil said slowly, seeming confused.  

“It’s Daniel-“

“Your own name?” Phil said confused.

“Daniel Lester” Dan mumbled.

“Oh!” Phil blushed. “Awwwwww that's so sweet!”

Dan felt himself blushing, no idea how to justify why he’d set that as his password.

“Daniel Lester, does have a nice ring to it huh?” Phil smiled.  “Well…your welcome to use my last name as much as you like.”

“Shut up.”

“Although if you want to use if for legal matters we might have to-”

“PHIL! “ Dan said and Phil just laughed. “See you’re laughing at me!”

“No I’m not! I’m laughing because you’re just,” Phil giggled. “you’re just so cute.”

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you! You think it’s cute I used your last name, I just needed a password-‘

“Do you want to change it?”

“My name?!”

“Yeah, let’s get married right now,” Phil giggled. “Your password, Bear."

“Change it to Phil is the biggest dork in the world."

Phil pouted. “That’s far too long.”

“Just change it to Daniel Howell”

“I like Daniel Lester better,” Phil said with a giggle.

“Shut it you spork."

“But I don’t think you can set it to your name anyway, what was your password before this one?”

“I don’t remember,” Dan quickly, feeling himself blush again.

“To do with me again?”

“Yeah but you’ll never guess.”

“What is it?”

“Llama.”

“How is that to do with me?” Phil laughed.

“When I subscribed, you know how you used to always leave messages for new subscribers? For me you were like, thanks for subscribing! You win a free llama,”

“Oh, and your password was llama all this time?” Phil smiled.

“Yeah, until you give me the real llama.”

“Ah, so that’s why I’m here?”

“Yeah, you’re stuck with me until you give me the llama,” 

“Time to go make llamas extinct.”

“I’ve already killed them all, you think I’d give you that chance?”

“I hope not, I kind of like you a bit."

“Yeah, you’re okay.”

“Am I okay at kissing?”

“I don’t know, you might have to remind me what you kiss like.”

Phil leaned in and pressed his lips against Dan’s, and Dan felt his heart fluttering again.

“Good?” Phil smiled pulling away.

“I don’t know Phil, it was a bit too quick for me to tell,” Dan said.

“You,” Phil laughed, leaning into kiss Dan again.

They kissed for a while, neither wanting to check the time or remind themselves that the hours were quickly running out before Phil would have to leave. After kissing they distracted themselves by talking about completely random and irrelevant topics, anything to avoid having to face their fast approaching reality: that in a few short hours Phil would be leaving. As his departure crept closer Phil had to leave the room a few times, to get dressed and pack his bag. He then had to show Dan's Dad how to make a Skype call, then thanked him for letting him stay.

“I need to tell you something before,” Phil sighed, “before I go.”  
  
“Yeah, what is it?” Dan asked.

“I feel awful I’ve left you with half the story about all the stuff that happened," Phil sighed. 

“No it’s okay, like I said there’s no rush Phil."   
   
“Thanks Bear,” Phil smiled. “I’m just trying to work out the best way to tell you, plus I'm kind of scared," Phil said sheepishly.    
  
“You know I won’t judge you, right? I mean I’m sure there’s nothing to judge, just like I’m not going to think it’s your fault or anything.”

“I'm not scared of that," Phil assured him. "I'm just scared because I know how sad you will be." 

"Oh," Dan said, not sure how to respond. Whatever happened to Phil seemed pretty bad, so Dan knew there was no way he wouldn't be sad. "It's okay if I'm sad."

"I'll have to think of some happy stories to tell you after," Phil sighed.

"Phil don't worry about me being sad over this, we can figure it out when you get back, okay?" Dan said, trying not to think to hard about what might have happened to Phil, but failing terribly. What had the other Dan done to Phil? Something where Phil found out the other Dan didn’t love him at all…

“I do have one thing to tell you, if you want to hear,” Phil said.

“Of course I do!” Dan said.

“Well afterwards I never saw him again. Like, it happened in his last week of Manchester Uni, so he moved back…well assume he moved back, like I said I didn’t see him again.” 

“Oh that’s a relief!" Dan said. "I was kind of worried how it worked out if your parents kept inviting him over for dinner.”

“No, they actually…oh god they thought I was so sad that summer because we were good friends and I missed him,” Phil said, playing with the zip on his jacket.

“Did you miss him?” Dan asked tentatively. Although Dan knew whatever happened had been bad, he imagined Phil had been feeling all kinds of conflicting emotions at the time. 

“Oh, not at all. Like as soon as I found out what he'd done I started hating him," Phil sighed. "Sorry, here's me alluding to what happened again. I'll tell you soon, I promise," Phil said. 

"Phil um, did your brother know?” Dan asked, something he'd been wondering for a while. 

“Well he was at uni when it all happened. No...he really never had any idea,” Phil sighed then looked down at his watch.

“What’s the time?” Dan asked.

“A time I wish it wasn’t,” Phil sighed.

“How long?” Dan asked.

“About 20 minutes.”

“Oh,” Dan said. How had the morning gone by so quickly?

“I wish I could just not go,” Phil sighed.

“I wish that too, but it’s your exams Phil,” Dan said.

“Exactly, exams are bad enough without having to be parted from the love of my life.”

“You dork” Dan blushed. 

“It’s 20 minutes, then you’ll be wishing to hear me saying this kind of thing,” Phil laughed.

“I can hear you say it on Skype, but right now we’ve got less than 20 minutes to-“

“Eat pancakes together?”

“What?!”

“Just messing with you Bear. I agree with you, let’s kiss until I leave.”

“I didn’t say that,” Dan blushed, although he’d definitely been thinking it. 

“Well I just did, how about it?”

“Sure,” Dan laughed.

It was the quickest 20 minutes of his life. It felt like they’d only been kissing for a minute when Phil pulled away, eyes downcast as if trying not to cry.

“Well um, I um, don’t want to miss my train,” Phil stammered. 

“No, that would be bad,” Dan said, feeling himself shaking. 

“I’ll Skype you as soon as I’m at uni,” Phil said, standing up.

“Have a good train ride,” Dan said, trying not to cry. He could feel the tears forming, but he didn't want Phil to see him crying. He knew that if Phil saw him cry it would only make it harder for the both of them. 

"Thanks Bear," Phil said, picking up his bag from the floor.

“Good luck for your exams,” Dan said, trying to keep his tears in until Phil left.

"Oh yeah, thanks," Phil said, as if he'd forgotten he even had exams. 

"Well I love you," Dan said, feeling a tear fall but desperately hoping Phil wouldn't notice. 

"I love you too," Phil said, his voice sounding strained and shaky. "It’s only a week, I’ll be back with my buffy box sets really soon.”

“Cool,” Dan said, the only word he could manage to get out.

"Well I'll see you then," Phil said with a half smile. He turned around and walked towards the door. 

"Wait, don’t forget your pillow,” Dan said, realising he was still leaning against Phil’s green pillow.

“You keep it,” Phil smiled.

“Then take mine,” Dan said.

“Oh! Oh thanks, Bear," Phil said, walking back to pick up Dan's pillow from the couch. "Okay, well this is it. I love you Bear, I'll see you later," Phil said, walking towards the door again. 

"Bye Phil," Dan said, as Phil put his hand on the doorknob.

"No!" Phil said, dropping his bag and Dan's pillow and racing back towards Dan. "I need one more kiss first."  

"Of course," Dan said. Phil leaned in and kissed him, a kiss so perfect it only made Dan want to cry more. His eyes were now blurred over with tears, and he just hoped desperately that Phil wouldn't make eye contact and see. 

“I love you Dan,” Phil said, and with the use of his name suddenly a tear fell out and Dan couldn't help but let out a sob as well. 

"We'll be okay," Phil said, placing a hand on the back of Dan's. 

"I know, sorry sorry, I was trying not to cry," Dan sniffed. 

“Don’t be sorry, look I’m crying too,” Phil said, and Dan looked up to see Phil had tears rolling down his face too.

“I love you,” Phil said, giving him a small smile despite his tears.

“I love you too,’ Dan said, trying not to let anymore tears fall out.  

“I better go, I’ll talk to you soon,” Phil said, as he pulled his hand away from Dan’s.

“Okay,” Dan said as Phil walked towards the door and picked up his things. 

“Bye Phil,” Dan said, trying not to have a breakdown as Phil left.

“Bye Bear,” Phil said, leaving the room quickly and not looking back.

Dan waited until he heart the front door shut, before breaking into loud sobs and letting all his tears fall.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I have decided that rather than writing long chapters, I'm going to write shorter chapters every couple days. I hope that this is okay with everyone! (In my plan I've basically split each chapter into two, so if you prefer longer chapters you can read two a time and it will be the same as it has been) 
> 
> Anyway now this long ramble is over, enjoy this chapter! :D

Hours passed and Dan could still feel tears rolling down his face. His chest had grown tight and his eyes were sore from crying so much, and his whole body seemed to ache with Phil’s absence. He knew it was only a week, he knew that he could Skype Phil for most of the time he was gone, but these facts couldn’t relieve the ache that had now settled in his heart, or bring back the colour that seemed to leave Dan’s world when Phil left. Dan missed the way his hand felt, his soft kisses and his gentle voice, and the more he thought about Phil’s blue eyes and the sound of his laugh, the more tears fell, as if shedding enough would bring Phil back to him sooner.

His Dad didn’t say much, only reminding Dan of things he already knew, and occasionally wiping the tears off his face for him, which only served as a reminder of the way Phil did the same thing that morning. The morning seemed years away now, his memories of Phil felt distant, as they were a vivid dream or a movie he'd watched. If it weren’t for the promise ring on his finger, or the _I love you_ messages scrawled all over his casts Dan might have figured he’d made up the whole thing.

As well missing him terribly, without Phil to distract him, all the thoughts of Ryan and school came crawling back, as well as painful flashbacks of his fall and fears of being hurt again. The thoughts kept hitting Dan, they felt so loud and powerful, and seemed to be getting louder and louder, beginning to drown out the room around him. He tried to tell himself it was no different from when Phil was in another room, but somehow without Phil around he felt less safe, like something bad was bound to happen in his absence.  

His Dad began to ask him if he was okay, but his voice sounded distant, barely audible over Dan’s raging thoughts. Dan could feel his heart racing, and the more it raced the more he feared throwing up or fainting, which only seemed to fuel his heart to race faster. Everything in his mind seemed to be getting stronger, the room around him fading, his thoughts escalating, his heart pounding, feeling the need to breathe faster than physically possible…until suddenly Phil’s voice was in his ear, that beautiful calming voice, telling him to breathe with him and that everything was okay. It was so easy to listen to that voice, to believe every word it said, to let it guide Dan to a place where his heart was steady and his fears seemed less real, and the room around him suddenly clear and stable enough to see his Dad holding a phone to his ear.

“Phil?” Dan said suddenly, realising that Phil was actually on the phone, not just a voice that had conveniently appeared to help him calm down.

“Bear! Bear, you’re okay,” Phil said, and Dan was quite sure he could hear tears in his voice.

“Yeah I’m okay,” Dan said, beginning to cry as he heard Phil’s sob come through the phone. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“No no,” Phil said gently. “Don’t be, I’m just really glad you’re okay.”

“Are you still on the train?” Dan asked, having completely lost track of what time it was.

“Yeah, I’ve got about an hour to go,” Phil sighed. “I can stay talking to you the whole time-

“But what about the other passengers?” Dan said, knowing Phil always felt self-conscious about these things. 

“Oh…well I’m actually in the bathroom,” Phil admitted. 

“You can’t stay in the bathroom for an hour!”

“They can assume I’ve got terrible diarrhea,” Phil said seriously, and suddenly Dan found himself laughing. “Aww, that’s the best sound,” Phil said.

“What?”

“Your laugh,” Phil said, laughing himself. 

“Oh,” Dan blushed, and then felt heat flooding his whole face as he realised his Dad was watching him.

“I’d put you on speaker and go, but I don’t think you should be left by yourself,” his Dad whispered, and Dan sighed knowing he was right.

“What was that sigh?” Phil asked.

“Oh, just like, my Dad’s listening,” Dan said, and his Dad awkwardly looked away from Dan.

“Oh sorry” Phil sighed. “He can’t hear me though! Maybe I should just compliment you for the rest of this call, and then you'll just be blushing like crazy and your Dad will wonder what I'm saying.”

“PHIL!”

“Just kidding Bear,” Phil laughed and the phone crackled, and suddenly Dan ached to hear that laugh beside him.

“Phil?” 

“Yeah?”

“I miss you,” Dan said, feeling tears well in his eyes again. 

“I miss you too Bear,” Phil said. "Would you like to talk about anything on your mind?" Phil asked gently. 

“I’m scared,” Dan admitted.

“You’re completely safe,” Phil assured him, as if he knew exactly what Dan was worried about.

“What if Ryan comes to my house while you’re gone?” Dan asked, and he saw his Dad frown beside him.

“He’s not coming I promise.”

“What if someone from school-”

“No one’s coming Bear,” Phil interrupted him. “No one can get in I promise.”

“What if they just break in?” Dan said, and he saw his Dad shift beside him.

“Then your Dad would be there to get rid of them before they could even see you."

“But I wouldn’t have you to protect me,” Dan said quietly.

“Oh Bear,” Phil sobbed. “Bear you don’t need protection, no one is going to hurt you, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan said, but he didn’t believe it.

“Bear you don’t sound okay," Phil said, and Dan could hear him crying again and suddenly Dan was crying again too.

“What can I do?” Phil cried. “Should I come back?”

“No! Phil, you have your exams.”

“I know,” Phil sniffed. “I just wish I could be there.”

“Well, we're going to talk a lot, I'll be okay Phil," Dan said, feeling incredibly guilty he'd made Phil cry.

"Bear, you shouldn't be comforting me! I'm hiding in this bathroom to reassure you!" 

"Well, thanks for hiding in the bathroom to talk to me,” Dan smiled.

“Aww, that’s no problem. Anyway, would you like to keep talking about what’s going on in your mind? Or we could talk about other stuff?”

“Maybe should try talk about other stuff,” Dan said, relieved Phil was no longer crying, and not wanting to do anything to make him cry again.

“Okay, well I accidentally sat in the wrong seat three times,” Phil said.

“Phil! Didn’t you do that on the way here as well?”

“Yeah,” Phil laughed.

“Everyone on the train must hate you.”

“Yeah they’re all like middle aged guys in suits looking at me like _what are you doing here boy?_  Like I clicked the end of my pen and literally the whole carriage was staring at me with disapproving looks’ Phil kept talking about the people on his train, and there were so strange people Dan was sure he was making them up, but Phil was making him laugh so much he didn’t even mind. Suddenly his heart felt lighter and his whole body warmer, and his anxious thoughts had become faded and been forgotten. 

“Hey Phil?”

“Yeah?" 

“I think you should go sit down." 

“No!”

“I feel a lot better,” Dan told him.  

“But-“

“And I sort of just realised how exhausted I feel,” Dan admitted. Something about panicking like that always made him feel like he needed to sleep for three days straight.

“Oh of course, well Bear, make sure you have a drink of water okay?” Phil said and Dan laughed. “I’m serious!”

“Sure Phil,” Dan said.

“Okay, well I hope you can get some sleep, but if you start to feel bad, if you have the slightest bad feeling, call me the moment it happens."

“Okay,” Dan said, although he knew he wouldn’t call unless it got really bad.  

“Don’t say okay like that,” Phil said.

“Like what?” Dan smiled, realising Phil knew him well enough to know what he was thinking from a single word.

"Just promise you’ll call me?”

“Okay, I promise” Dan said.

“Good,” Phil said, and Dan could hear the smile in his voice.

“Thanks for talking to me Phil." 

“Thanks for talking to me! As much as my heart breaks for these circumstances, talking to you has been the best part of my train ride." 

“Oh um, I’m glad."

“I love you so much Bear, have a good rest, and by the time you wake up, I should be ready to skype,” Phil said.

“Okay,” Dan smiled, looking forward being able to see Phil again.

“Are you going to say you love me too?” Phil asked cheekily.

“I love you too Phil,” Dan said, blushing as he knew his Dad could hear him.

Phil laughed. “I thought you wouldn’t with your Dad there! Well now I know you love me more than you love not blushing."

“This is so unfair," Dan said, knowing Phil was just trying to make him blush in front of his Dad. 

“I know! It’s not fair we’re stuck on a phone call and I can’t even see your cute little red cheeks, especially that nice rosy patch on your right cheek that I’ve always wanted to kiss so bad-“

“PHIL!”

“BEAR!” Phil laughed. “Well I’ll let you sleep."

“Okay,” Dan smiled.

“See you on Skype soon."

“Yeah." 

“I love you,” Dan said,

“Love you too,” Phil said.

“Are you going to hang up?” Dan asked.

“No."

“Well I can’t hang up."

“Good thing I can,” his Dad said.

“No!” Dan said.

“You’ve been saying goodbye for five minutes, say goodbye and then I’ll hang up okay?” his Dad laughed.

“My Dad says he’ll hang up once I say bye to you.”

“Oh just don’t say bye then,” Phil laughed.

“Good plan,” Dan smiled.

“Nah, say bye I know you need to sleep,” Phil sighed.

“Sometime before my arm falls off,” his Dad grumbled beside him.

“Well love you, bye Phil,” Dan laughed.

“Love you!” Dan heard, before his Dad hung up.

“You were redder than a tomato that whole call,” his Dad chuckled.

“You weren’t meant to be watching,” Dan said, feeling himself blush again.

“Well if it weren’t for me you wouldn’t even be talking to him,” his Dad said.

“Thanks for calling him,” Dan said seriously, realising that his Dad must have noticed him beginning to panic and thought to call Phil.

“Of course Dan, but do let me know if there is anything I can do in those situations,” his Dad sighed, eyebrows furrowed and eyes downcast.

“Oh…oh thanks Dad, I’ll…I’ll think about it and let you know,” Dan said, realising how helpless his Dad must feel when he noticed Dan wasn’t okay. "Oh can you get me some water?" Dan smiled, remembering Phil's request. His Dad fetched him a glass of water,  Dan drank the whole thing then closed his eyes. 

 

 

To Dan's surprise, when he woke he couldn't recall any nightmares, and to his greater surprise when he opened his eyes his laptop was open with Phil's face smiling at him, and his Dad was nowhere to be seen. 

“Hey Bear,” Phil smiled. 

“Hey,” Dan sighed, feeling his heart sink at the bad quality, the Phil behind the screen seeming a pale replica of the real Phil he’d grown used to having beside him.

“You seem flat now,” Phil said, reaching towards the screen.

“Sorry,” Dan began, realising how down he probably seemed. “I was just-”

“No I don’t mean flat as in sad,” Phil laughed. “Although you do seem a little sad, but I know why. I meant flat as in, like after spending so much time right next to you and seeing all your features up close the skype call just seems really…flat.”

“I know,” Dan sighed. The skype call couldn’t catch all the gentle tones in his voice, or the spark behind his eyes, or how soft and beautiful his skin was. “I never realised how blurry this was.”

“Well you still look very cute Bear,” Phil said.

“You look cuter in real life,” Dan sighed.

“Awww did you just call me cute?” Phil said, clapping his hands together.

“Cuter,” Dan said, emphasizing the last part of the word. “It’s not a compliment, it’s a comparative adjective.”

“Oh my gosh, you were actually listening when I was rambling about all my uni stuff!” Phil laughed.

“I must have absorbed some,” Dan said, remembering being mostly confused all the times Phil tried to explain anything relating to his course work. But then again, since it was Phil’s voice saying those things…well Dan usually remembered the things that voice said.

“Well, I’m flattered,” Phil smiled. “If I could teach you, then I really don’t need to worry about these exams,” Phil laughed. “Oh! Before I forget, as I was coming in some of my house mates were downstairs and they all asked after you and said they hoped you were okay.”

“Wait how do they know about this?” Dan asked.

“Well I was pretty distressed as I was leaving to come see you and when I left I said-“ Phil stopped suddenly. “It doesn’t matter, but they knew you were in hospital so they were worried.”

“But..why were they worried? They don’t even know me!” Dan exclaimed, thinking about how his own mother hadn’t even been worried enough to come visit him.

“Well Bear…they’re nice people,” Phil said, eyes downcast suddenly.

“Phil what’s wrong?” Dan asked.

“Oh I just, I just feel bad because,” Phil paused. “Like…you’re surprised that my housemates were worried when they heard you were in hospital.”

“Well… yeah,” Dan said, not sure why that wouldn’t be surprising. Phil stayed silent for a while, and Dan was lost on what Phil was thinking. 

“Well anyway, they said to say hello and that they hope you get better soon.”

“Oh wow, that was so nice of them! Tell them I say hi back and thanks,” Dan smiled, still surprised they would even care about his existence.

“There are lots of nice people like that out there Bear, I promise,” Phil said, looking at Dan with wide blue eyes. He’d heard Phil say that so many times before, all though he wasn’t exactly sure why he was saying it now. “Oh! They also said,” Phil laughed. “They also said to say, don’t let Phil force you into watching all of Buffy with him.”

“I want to watch Buffy though!” Dan said, honestly so intrigued to watch the show Phil loved so much. 

“That’s what I said,” Phil beamed. “You're gonna love it Bear," Phil said, launching into a long list of all the reasons Dan was going to like his favourite show (a rant Dan had heard at least 10 times before, but never grew tired of.)

"I feel like I've just watched the whole show," Dan yawned. 

"Oh no, you look tired! Sorry I shouldn't have spent so long talking about Buffy when you have your appointment tomorrow," Phil said. 

“Oh shit," Dan sighed, having once again forgotten he was about to start seeing a psychologist. 

“It will be ok Bear,” Phil smiled.

“No it won’t!”

Phil then spent a few hours trying to convince Dan that the appointment would go well, taking time to talk through all of the things Dan was worried about. Everything Phil said sounded logical, but somehow Dan couldn't believe that the appointment would be okay, and if it wasn't okay then how would he ever be able to leave his house again? Even if he wasn't housebound by his injuries, he felt sick thinking about leaving the house, knowing that someone from school might see him. Dan was honestly dreading even having to go to his hospital check ups, and thinking about having to return to school for the new year made his head spin. 

"But don't you see, this is why seeing a psychologist is going to be great for you," Phil smiled, when Dan voiced these thoughts. "They can help!" 

"No but that's what I'm saying, what if they can't help?" 

"I promise there is someone out there who is going to help you. Maybe it will be the person tomorrow, but if not then that just means you're one step closer to getting the right help," Phil assured him.

"Maybe," Dan sighed, knowing what Phil said was true, but somehow not able to really believe it. 

"I forgot, when's your exam again?" Dan yawned, feeling guilty as he knew Phil had told him his exam schedule about five times. 

"It's 8:30 until 11 I'm afraid," Phil sighed. "Which means...I won't be able to talk to you until after your appointment." 

“Can I call you as soon as it’s done?” Dan asked.

“Yes, and you can tell me all about how well it went,” Phil said. Dan only wished he could have some of Phil's certainty, but in his mind, the following day felt doomed for disaster. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter in two days :)


	37. Chapter 37

Despite all Phil’s assurances that everything would be okay, Dan was still completely terrified for his appointment. After saying goodnight to Phil, he’d entered another awful night’s sleep, and over the course of the night Dan had convinced himself that it couldn't possibly be okay, and then spent the whole morning worrying about what would go wrong. He became so nervous he started asking his Dad to cancel the appointment, although his Dad refused every time.

“No Dan! Besides, if I cancelled what would you say to Phil?” His Dad asked.

“I would say...fine don't cancel," Dan said, knowing Phil would be disappointed if Dan cancelled. 

Not long after, there was a knock on the door and Dan felt his heart begin to race as his Dad got up to answer the door (fortunately they'd been able to arrange a home appointment given Dan's situation.) The nerves were as bad as ever, but as soon as his Dad left the room Dan felt something else entirely. He wasn't sure he'd ever felt it before. Mixed in with his terrified state, Dan felt completely helpless, realising he was completely alone. When was the last time he'd been by himself? He couldn't remember, but he didn’t have long to dwell on it as seconds later his Dad and a tall lady came in.

“Hi Dan, I’m  Julie,” she said, as she sat down in the chair his Dad had sat up opposite the couch. She had a long brown hair, a kind smile, and was so well dressed it made Dan feel very self-conscious about his own deteriorating appearance.

“Dan just ask for me if you need me,” his Dad said. He had offered to sit in on the appointment, but Dan had declined, feeling too anxious about what the psychologist would think of his thoughts to also have to worry about what his Dad was thinking.

"'kay," Dan mumbled, hoping that helpless feeling wasn't about to return. However as soon as he was out of sight, Dan felt like his chest was constricting, a wave of nausea hit him so strongly he felt like he might throw up. He felt completely lost and terrified, like something awful was about to happen, even though he had a  medical professional metres from him. Dan wanted to burst into tears. Aside from a few minutes earlier, he couldn't remember a moment where both his Dad and Phil were out of sight. He didn't like this feeling at all, he needed them back, and suddenly he didn't care what his Dad thought of him he just needed him to be in the same room.

“Dan, is everything alright?” Julie asked, her voice sounding like it was coming from a distant void. 

“Um, maybe um…would um my Dad,” Dan stammered, feeling like he was choking trying to say the words. 

“Would you like me to get your Dad to sit in?" Julie asked.

“Yeah,” Dan said, trying not to cry or feel embarrassed about how scared he felt without him in the same room. 

“It’s all okay Dan, would you like me to say anything or just be here?”

“Maybe just be here,” Dan said, suddenly feeling incredibly grateful for his Dad.

“It’s very normal to have a parent sit in with you in your first, or first few appointments,” Julie told Dan.

“Okay,” Dan said, not sure how else to respond. 

“Dan, I just want to assure you that you won’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to today.”

“Oh really?” Dan asked, his voice going high.

“Well I have some questions for you, but they're not too detailed, then I think we’ll work on some breathing exercises for panic attacks-"

“Panic attacks?!” Dan said. Was that what he’d been having? He’d always just thought of it as panicking and never really assigned the term in his mind. He wasn’t sure he liked thinking of them like that…somehow it made it seem worse.

“Oh, sorry Dan, I didn’t mean to alarm you. It’s what was written on your referral from the hospital. We can talk about them in more detail later. However, first of all," she began talking about the confidentiality of the appointment, however Dan wasn't really listening, now trying to work out if he’d realised he was having panic attacks. And if he hadn’t realised, what had he thought they were? Just moments of intense panic? Dan wasn’t sure what the difference was, but now he just wanted to cry again, feeling lost and confused, and very aware that the appointment had barely even started.

“Dan do you have any questions about today?” she asked, and Dan hoped his lack of attention hadn’t been too obvious.

“Uh…um,” Dan said. Did he have any questions?  “Um…so I won’t have to talk about school?"

“Not today,” she said, and Dan felt a huge sense of relief. “At some point we will, but not until you feel more in control,” she said. Did he feel out of control? He supposed he did feel out of control of his emotions and thoughts…but how could that be when he was the one thinking those thoughts?

“Would it be okay if I asked you those questions now?” She asked. 

“Um okay,” Dan said, hoping the questions weren’t going to be too hard. What if he couldn’t answer? What if he just burst into tears? Would his Dad think badly of him if he did?

The questions were all about Dan's emotions, about his racing heart and nausea and other things he felt when he was panicking, she asked him to describe them, how often they happened, when they were at their worst. At first Dan was able to answer quite easily, but as she asked more questions about his thinking process, he found himself becoming overwhelmed, feeling slightly panicky just talking about it, not to mention he was exhausted, and also confused why he just had no answer for some of the questions she asked him, despite the fact they were all questions about himself. It reached a point where Dan was saying  _I don't know_ for every question, when she offered him to take a break.  

 

“Sorry I should have mentioned any time you need a break just say so, and take as long as you need,” she said kindly.

Dan had to admit that Julie was actually rather nice. She hadn't made Dan feel bad for not being able to answer the questions, telling him it was okay if he wasn't sure, nodding in understanding when he did answer. However at the same time, Dan was still feeling anxious about it, and still expecting it to go horribly wrong at some point. He wished he could just talk to Phil, then he realised that they should probably get on with the appointment so he could talk to him sooner.

“Um I think I’m ready,” Dan said.

“Sure,” she smiled. “Okay, so with everything you’ve told me, it seems very clear that you have been suffering from panic attacks.”

"Okay," Dan said, finding that the term panic attack just made him want to panic. 

She spent a while explaining why panic attacks occurred and the biology behind why it felt the way it did, and although it all made sense, hearing her talk about it made Dan feel nauseas again, his heart racing just thinking about it, the room seeming to become grey and hazy. He was beginning to feel dizzy when she asked if he was okay, and suddenly she was telling him to breathe in the way that Phil always did. Her voice wasn't quite as calming, it couldn't make him feel the same sense of safety as Phil's did, but after a while Dan could at least see the room again. After taking a few moments to rest, (although he still feared something would go horribly wrong) she began explaining the importance of breathing, and types of breathing exercises he could do. The information seemed to be overflowing in his brain, his concentration was severely lacking and suddenly his heart ached from missing Phil. All he really wanted to be with Phil and not have to deal with all this information.

“Um could um I,” Dan cleared his throat.

“Another break?” she asked.

“Um yes please,” Dan said.

“How about I just give you and your Dad a minute?” She said.

“Sounds good,’ his Dad said speaking for the first time the whole appointment.

“Hey Dan,” his Dad whispered. “Phil just messaged me, he’s out of his exam, so if you want you could call him;”

“Now, like right now?” Dan said, unable to believe his ears.

“Only for a couple minutes but yeah, do you want to?”

“Obviously! Let me talk to him!”

His Dad dialed Phil’s number and held the phone to his ear.

“Is he okay?” Phil asked desperately, obviously thinking it was Dan's Dad on the phone.

“It’s me actually, and I’m okay Phil,” Dan said. “I’m just on a break from my appointment and I um, just wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh thank God, when I saw your Dad's number at this time...oh you gave me a scare there,” Phil said.

"Oh no I'm sorry," Dan said, realising Phil had probably thought he'd fainted or thrown up again. 

"Don't be! It's so lovely to hear your voice. How's it going?”

“It’s so confusing Phil I’ve been so lost the whole time, she’s been talking about like panic attacks and I was just like panicking-

“Oh no Bear!”

“I’m fine, really. But I'm stressed because I couldn’t answer her questions even though they were just about me. She was like _do you notice when you start to feel panicky? Do you ever get this feeling then it goes away?_ And I was just like _I don’t know._  I feel so stupid because the questions are about me but I can’t even answer.”

“Oh Bear, all of this is really okay. This is a new thing for you, and those questions can be hard! Sometimes my psychologist asks me stuff and I still don’t know. It's completely fine.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Super sure, I promise.”

“But it’s too much Phil. She’s saying all this information about stuff and I just keep zoning out,” Dan said. “Don’t say I said that Dad."

“Pretend I’m not here,” his Dad smiled.

“It’s okay, you can always ask her questions if you decide to have another appointment.”

“I feel weird about this. This is really weird Phil,” Dan said. The appointment wasn't going badly (to be honest it was going better than Dan could have expected) but somehow he still had an incredibly uneasy feeling. 

“It might take some getting used to, but it will get better,” Phil said.

“I don’t know. The appointments been okay, but for some reason I just feel worried. I'm just not sure about this Phil.” 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to be sure. I should probably let you go though.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, realising he’d been a while on the phone.

“I’m so proud of you Bear, you’re doing so well.”

“Oh!” Dan blushed “Thanks.”

“Also, I’m guessing you’re going to be pretty tired when you finish, so I think you should rest and call me when you’re awake okay?”

“I’ll want to talk to you straight away!”

“I don't mind, just see how you go,” Phil said.

“Okay, I love you Phil.”

“Bye I love you too,” Phil said.

“Bye,” Dan said, and his Dad hung up.

“I’ll just get Julie back,” his Dad said.

“So your Dad said you were just talking to Phil?” she asked.

“How do you know Phil?” Dan said, hoping she hadn’t heard anything he’d said.

“Your Dad’s mentioned he helps you calm down. Do you feel like talking about Phil at all?”

“Um…what about him?” Dan asked, feeling weird to be talking about Phil with anyone else.

“Anything that comes to mind,” she said.

“Um…I um…I um..he’s…um…he’s…my…um,” Dan glanced at his Dad who gave a small nod. “Phil’s..my boyfriend.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Um good, really good,” Dan said.

“Do you feel like saying anything else about this now?”

“Er I’m not sure what else to say,” Dan said, no idea what she was expecting.

“Okay, well let’s go back to Phil can help you calm down.”

“Um yeah…he’s like, the only thing,” Dan said.

“That calms you down?”

“Yeah,” he said, then she asked him about the types of things Phil said.

"But it’s also sort of just like his voice too,” Dan admitted, knowing it wouldn’t work as well with someone else, as Phil’s voice (and Phil in general) was the only thing that had ever really made him feel safe.

“Well I know you must miss him, but does it worry you when he’s not around?” she asked. _So much_ _._ But should he say that?

“Sometimes I guess,” Dan said, very aware of his Dad listening to every word.

“And what worries you?”

“Um…if, like, he’s not here to, like...just...if I panic,” Dan stammered.

“That’s understandable,” she nodded. “I’ve just been thinking, with what you’re saying, it might be good…how would you feel about asking Phil to put together something for you?”

“Yeah, he’d do anything,” Dan said. 

“I’m thinking it might be helpful to perhaps have him record some of the things he says to you in those times, that way if he’s not around you won’t feel as worried, because you’ll know start to feeling panicked, you can play the recording.”

“Oh,” Dan laughed. Why hadn’t he thought of that?

“Would that be too hard do you think?”

“No that would be easy, Phil would definitely do that,” Dan smiled, knowing she had no idea what Phil spent most of his spare time doing.

“Perfect,” she said.

The spent the rest of the appointment going through various breathing exercises, and she asked Dan to practice and also to take note of the kinds of things he thought when he began to panic. Which he really already knew, but he was not looking forward to talking about, and she and his Dad arranged his next appointment for the end of the week.

“That seemed to go well,” his Dad said once she'd left.

“Um I guess,’ Dan said, although he really wasn’t sure how he felt about the appointment. It hadn’t gone badly, but somehow, he still felt uneasy about the whole thing. She’d been nice, really nice, which for some reason worried Dan, although he couldn’t work out why.  

“Do you want to call Phil now?”

“Yes please,” Dan said. Despite the fact he felt absolutely exhausted, there were so many thoughts going around his head he knew there was no way he’d fall asleep.

“How was your exam?” Dan asked, realising he hadn't asked Phil earlier. 

“Oh it was okay, thankyou Bear, but more importantly how are you feeling?” Phil asked gently.

“I feel weird," Dan admitted. "Like I don't know how it went, I just feel really overwhelmed. I guess it went okay,” Dan said, although he still had an uneasy feeling about the whole thing.  

“That’s good,” Phil said, the opened and closed his mouth, his eyes wide as if desperate to say something.  

“Phil,” Dan laughed. “I can tell you’re dying to ask a thousand questions.”

“No I’m not!” Phil said.

“Yes you are!”

“Well of course I am,” Phil admitted with a smile. “But I don't want to ask if you don't want to talk about it.” 

“Nah I do, so ask away,” Dan smiled

“Was she nice? What did she say? Did she make you talk about school? Did she ask about me?”

“PHIL!” Dan laughed. “One at a time!”

“Oh right, sorry,” Phil giggled. “Was she nice?”

“Um, yeah she was,” Dan said.

“You sound uncertain,” Phil frowned.

“No she _was_ nice, maybe too nice,” Dan sighed, not sure of the source of this unsettled feeling he had when he thought about it.

“Like fake nice?” Phil asked.

“No like actual nice,” Dan said, surprised at the own annoyance in his own voice.

“Isn’t that good?”

“I don’t know!” Dan said and Phil looked a little taken aback at the anger in Dan’s voice. “Sorry, I just I’m confused about it, I don’t know how to explain how I feel.”

“It’s okay Bear,” Phil said.

“It’s just like,” Dan sighed, not sure how to articulate it. “She _was_ nice, but like the whole time I just kept expecting her to say something awful, and like…I still don’t know that she is nice, maybe she just seemed nice.”

“Oh! I see,” Phil nodded.

“Well I don’t,” Dan said. He should be feeling relieved that it went well, yet somehow, he felt just as nervous thinking about his next appointment.

“What you said makes perfect sense. You’re still scared that maybe she’s not nice, and that’s okay Bear, maybe it will just take a bit more time to work out. ”

“So I’m not being stupid?”

“Never,” Phil smiled.

“I guess I was just hoping to like know _know_ after today. Like to either know it was going to be good or not, not this weird not sure feeling.”

“Well however it turns out, you will be okay,” Phil said.

“Thanks,” Dan sighed, although he still wasn’t sure he would be. 

“Do you think you will see her again?”

“Well she’s coming back Friday.”

“But do you want to see her again?”

“Yeah the stuff we talked about…like it was helpful…I mean I don’t think I’ll be able to do any of it, but maybe.”

“When you say stuff-”

“Oh right, I haven’t even told you anything,” Dan said, realising Phil still didn't know much about what happened in the appointment.  He recounted what he could remember explaining all the things she’d talked about, although he found himself forgetting a lot of details. "Oh I haven't said...like at the start...I'm not really sure what happened," Dan sighed, remembering how lost he'd felt without his Dad or Phil in sight. "I just got kind of like..I don't know it was weird, I just got really scared that you weren't there and my Dad wasn't there too." 

"Oh Bear," Phil said.

"I don't know what it was. But I ended up getting my Dad to stay the whole time because I just felt too scared without him." 

"Do you feel that way now?" 

"No coz you're here. Well you're not here here but I'm talking to you." 

"Okay, that's good. But maybe that's something you should mention to her next time." 

"Maybe," Dan sighed, although he wasn't sure he wanted to.  

"Did she give you anything to work on for next time?" Phil asked.

“Oh yeah I’m meant to ask you for your help with a couple things!" Dan said.

“Anything my Bear,” Phil smiled and Dan found himself blushing deeply. “Oooh I should call you that more often! Anyway, what can I help with?” Phil prompted.

“Oh right,' Dan said still blushing. _"_ Well she asked if I could ask you to record yourself, not like a video, or you can if you want, but basically just of the stuff usually say to me if I’m panicking.”

“Of course I can! I should have thought of that! Phil sighed. “I’ll do it as soon as we finish here. Hmm how do I get it to you? The file's gonna be too big, hmm...how about I put  put it on my youtube channel, privately, and then send you the link.”

“Oh yeah, that sounds good. Hopefully my Dad will know how to open a link,” Dan sighed.

“He will, he just has to click it. So I’ll do that, did you need me to do anything else?”

“Well the other thing is sort of something for us to do together,” Dan sighed.

“What is it?” Phil smiled.  

“We have to like try to write a list of the thoughts I have when I’m panicking,” Dan said quietly, dreading having to talk about it. Although Phil already knew most of it, Dan still didn't like talking about it much. 

“Oh Bear,” Phil said gently. “It will be okay. I know it’s hard, but we can work on it together." 

"You don't have to-"

"BEAR OF COURSE I'M GOING TO!" 

"Ahh don't yell!" 

"Bear I wan to help in whatever way I can. Anything you need, I'm on it."

“Oh thanks Phil,” Dan smiled.  

"And with the thoughts thing, if it is too hard, and you can't manage it, then she'll understand I think," Phil said.

"Oh yeah, she said she wouldn't expect anything, but she'd like me to try and see how I go.”

“Bear, I know I wasn’t there but from everything you’ve told me it sounds like she’s going to be really understanding," Phil smiled.

"Yeah I think so, I mean hope so," Dan said, hoping she would be just as understanding when she learnt what he was actually thinking. 

“You did so well today! Look at you! You had your appointment and now you're going to another one! I’m so so proud of you Dan.”

“Thanks,” Dan blushed, and he had to admit he felt kind of proud of himself too.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves for an emotional roller coaster

Later that evening, after Dan had rested and woken from another nightmare, he asked his Dad to check his emails to see if Phil had sent the email with the link to the private video on YouTube. To Dan’s delight he had, and Dan asked him to put it on fullscreen to watch what Phil had put together for him.

“Hey there Bear! We’re gonna do some breathing together now. So we’re just gonna breathe in together, you can do this, and breathe out, and now we’re gonna breathe in through the nose, and out through the mouth, you’re okay, you’re completely safe and fine, everything’s okay,”  Phil continued giving him breathing instructions for a few minutes, and Dan felt stress he hadn't even realised he was holding onto fade away. “It’s all going to be okay. You can replay this as many times as you need, and then I’m going to talk to you really soon. Stay brave, I know you can do it, I love you Bear,” Phil smiled.

Dan felt a warm glow in his chest as he watched the video again, and again, before asking his Dad to close it so Dan could see if Phil had given the video any kind of title. His Dad struggled for a moment. “Just press escape,” Dan sighed, completely unprepared for what he was about to see. Dan's eyes scanned the page, and he felt like ice was travelling down his back, his whole body seemed to freeze as he read the view count under the video.

_500 views._

It wasn’t private. 500 hundred people had seen it. Any number of them could have downloaded what was, in Dan’s opinion undeniable proof that Phil was dating someone. Dan wasn’t remotely worried for himself, with Phil using Bear the whole time, no one could possibly link it to him, but for Phil…what were all his subscribers going to think? Phil always kept his private life so private, how was he going to react when he found out they all practically knew?

“Fuck!” Dan said, “Dad call Phil right now.”

“What is it?” he asked.

“I can’t explain, just call him!” Dan said urgently, trying to figure out what had happened. Phil would have made sure it was private, and if only 500 people had seen it (which was too many for what it was, but only a portion of Phil's subscribers) it must have only become unprivate in the past hour or so. 

“Should I stay?” His Dad asked, making no move to open Skype.

“Just call him and go,” Dan said, feeling his heart race as he tried to figure out how he would tell Phil the video had gone public.

“Dan what is going on?"

“Call him!”

“No Dan I need to check-"

“I’m fine, I just need to talk to Phil alone."

His dad sighed, pushed call, and left the room, mumbling unintelligibly under his breath as he did so.

“Oh hey Bear!” Phil yawned. He sat up straighter to reveal his pajamas, and smiled brightly at Dan, clearly having no idea anything was wrong. Not yet seeing how Dan's body was shaking, or how there was sweat covering his hands and forehead, or how he had probably paler than ever.

"Oh no," Phil said, taking in Dan's appearance.

“Phil,” Dan said, heart racing as he tried to figure out how to deliver the news to Phil.

“It’s okay Bear,” Phil began to say, no idea what he was about to hear. 

“Phil the video...it’s not private,” Dan said, his voice sounding empty.

"What?" Phil said, his voice high-pitched. 

“It’s has 500 views Phil,” Dan said, watching Phil’s eyes go wide in horror. Guilt flooded his body as he knew that it was his own fault Phil has even made that video.

“No! No it can’t be it can’t, I checked! It was definitely private,” Phil said shakily.

“It’s okay Phil, I worked out it must have only gone public in the last hour, it’s a glitch or something….just go put it on private now, no just delete it, then I can help you work out what to do.”

“No!” Phil said, tears flooding down his face. “But I made sure, I was so careful…it can’t be!”

“It’s going to be okay Phil, you didn’t say anything that could-“

“Did you watch it?

“Yeah before I realised it wasn’t private though-“

“Then you know! Oh oh oh no,” Phil sobbed.

“Know what?” Dan asked.

“I’m sorry I’m so so so sorry,” Phil sobbed, although Dan wasn’t sure what Phil was apologizing for, especially since he felt like it was his own fault. 

“Phil this isn’t your fault,  _I'm_  sorry you had to make it!"

“No I...I..," Phil stammered.

“Phil have you deleted the video yet?” Dan asked, suddenly realising it was still probably racking up more viewers who could be downloading it for future use against Phil.

“I’m sorry,” Phil sobbed, appearing not to have heard Dan.

“Phil listen: go delete the video. Get it off your channel so there’s no chance anyone else can see it. Then we can talk and then I’ll explain to you that I’m completely fine and you really don’t need to be sorry!”

Phil’s eyes flicked around the screen for a few moments. Dan couldn't work it out, why did Phil feel so bad? Why was he sorry? He would know that there was no way the video could be linked to Dan, when he'd only called him Bear. But as for Phil, well this could be a disaster…every future video would have comments asking who Bear was, speculation that Phil was dating someone would only increase. He’d expected Phil to be this upset, but for his own sake, not on Dan’s behalf.

“It’s gone now,” Phil sniffed after a few minutes. "I need you to know, I didn't mean for that to happen. I triple checked it was private,  I’m so sorry,” Phil said, and Dan had lost track of just how many times Phil had apologized.  

“Phil,” Dan said “Of course you didn't, I don't know why you feel like you need to say sorry to me-“

“Because I said I love you and people saw! Everyone bullies you for liking me and now I’m just...I’m just like-"

“Phil,” Dan said, his brain trying to figure it all out. “If you’re worried about me, no one will know it was about me, you said I love you _Bear-“_

“I did?” Phil squeaked. 

“Um yeah,” Dan said slowly, what had Phil thought he said?

“Are you sure? Did you watch the whole thing?”

“Yeah, I did, three times, it was Bear, for sure,” Dan said.

“Oh thank god,” Phil said, erupting into tears again, grabbing tissue after tissue to wipe the flowing tears down his cheeks. Had he thought he said Dan? 

“Phil,” Dan said, hoping to sound as kind as possible. “I know this is bad, and I know you must be upset for yourself, but don’t be upset for me, I’m totally fine, just worried for you."  
  
“I need to check my files,” Phil sobbed, and Dan could faintly hear a version of the video he’d watched a few minutes earlier. “Oh...oh I edited it out! I said I love you Dan but edited it out,” Phil said, pulling up another tissue. “What if I had left it in? People might have figured it it was you and then then then,” Phil didn’t finish the sentence but Dan’s mind figured it out anyway. If Ryan, who’d gone to the extents of visiting Phil’s YouTube channel before, if Ryan had found out, well Dan felt nausea rising at the thought. _He can’t know, he doesn’t know I’m Bear._

“He doesn’t know Phil, he can’t,” Dan said, trying to reassure Phil as well as himself. _He probably didn’t even see…but what if he did? What if he somehow knew?_

“Are you mad?” Phil said suddenly, voice shaky.

“No! No of course not!” Dan said, shocked Phil might think he was.

“Did I make you more worried?”

“What, no!” Dan said quickly, although he was worried for slight possibility that Ryan could have seen and impossibly known it was for Dan…but Phil didn’t need to know that right now.

“But you seem worried.”

“Phil I think you’re the one who seems worried here,” Dan said, knowing Phil was more important this his own irrational worries that Ryan might have seen. "I'm worried about your channel Phil!”

“I can sort that out," Phil said, waving his hand as if his channel wasn't important. 

“But then Phil why…” Dan began, not sure how to phrase the question. If he knew he hadn't said Dan in the uploaded version, and he wasn't worried for himself, then why did Phil seem more upset than Dan had ever seen him?

“I’m just so sorry,” Phil sobbed. “Just please give me another chance, please please Bear, I know I've messed up, but please don't break up with me,” Phil sobbed, and Dan felt his heart drop in his chest.

Break up with him?

Phil thought he was going to break up with him?

“Phil,” Dan said, tears falling down his face. “I would never, Phil, don’t…don’t say stuff like that,” Dan cried. “I just..I can’t…Phil, you're literally my entire world, this video doesn't even matter at all" Dan cried. "I love you so fucking much, why...I can't...why would you think I would break up with you?"

They both cried for a few minutes. Dan felt so lost, no clue what Phil was thinking or why he thought something as insignificant as this would make Dan want to break up with him.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it like that," Phil sniffed after a long silence. "That was really stupid to say…I’m sorry you're right...that was so stupid...I just got scared again… I know you wouldn’t…I’m sorry…I’m so so sorry…I’m sorry for saying that… I know how much you love me, I really do...I was being stupid I just got scared again and thought you were me and I was him…” Phil sobbed.

“Oh,” Dan said, his heart breaking into a million pieces, as he realised the other Dan was back to haunt them again. _I thought you were me and I was him._ Was this similar to what happened with the other Dan?

“Phil I promise you’re not him at all,” Dan said, trying to focus on the Phil that needed him now and not the past Phil that was so hurt. “I hope I didn't sound too harsh a few seconds ago, all I meant was we are not breaking up Phil. No way. Like, even if you had said Dan in that video, we wouldn’t have…we would have figured it out together. Whatever the other Dan did, Phil it’s not us, you’re not him. I know you love me and God I love you so much, I want to tear my own hair out to see you this upset” Dan said, heart aching as he could see Phil’s whole body shaking, even through the bad quality of his webcam. “Phil we’re not breaking up, like ever, okay, I’m not mad, or angry, the video, to me it doesn’t matter that anyone saw what it was. But what matters now is you," Dan said, honestly scared Phil was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

“Oh Bear, thankyou...really," Phil sobbed. "You're so...you're the best boyfriend, you're too good to me." 

"It's okay Phil," Dan said, not sure how else to console a still sobbing Phil. 

“Why did I put it on YouTube?” Phil said.

“It was logical Phil, but I need you to know that it doesn’t matter to me that other people saw it,” Dan said again, wondering how many of his words were actually getting through to Phil.

"But I just I didn’t want to do that to you, put the video on public when you didn’t know since I didn’t know and I don’t want to invade your privacy like he did and show everybody us if you didn’t want them to see-“

“Oh god Phil,” Dan cried…what had happened to Phil? What had the other Dan done? Show everybody us? Fuck what had happened?

“Oh no now you’re worried about me! I’m fine I promise,” Phil said.

“Phil you don’t seem fine,” Dan said, feeling so helpless to stop Phil’s flood of tears. How did he even have the energy to cry after all this?

“Can you tell me something?” Phil asked tentatively.

“Yeah anything,” Dan said, hoping after he said it Phil would know he was fine and that Phil wasn’t anything like the other Dan.

“Did you think I put the video on public? And then sent it to you to like..tear you apart?” 

“God no Phil!” Dan said, heart breaking again. Was that what the other Dan had done?

"But when you called me you seemed worried.”

“Just for how this would affect you!”

“Oh, so you didn’t think I was setting you up?”

 “No! Of course not,” Dan said, heart aching again, as he remembered Phil referring to what the other Dan had done as a setup. _Oh no, what had happened to poor Phil? What had left him so scared like this?_

“Okay,” Phil said, wiping the last of his tears away. “If you didn’t…if I didn’t make you feel like that then it’s okay,” Phil nodded.

“Phil I would never think that. If I could move my elbow, I’d hold up my hand so you could see me wearing the promise ring that you gave me and I wear because I know you would never do anything to hurt me.”

“Oh…oh I’m so glad,” Phil said, a small smile wavering as he looked like he was about to burst into another round of tears.

“I’m okay Phil! We're okay I promise...just please don't say breaking up again Phil, that's...I just can't," Dan stammered.

"I won't, I'm really really sorry. We're not, I won't ever ever break up with you" Phil sniffed. 

They sat in silence, Dan still not quite over Phil mentioning breaking up, even though that was behind them. He could still hear the desperation in Phil's voice as he begged Dan not to break up with him. He knew Phil didn't rationally think they were break up, but it made Dan feel like ripping his heart out just hearing the words. They weren't breaking up though. Everything was fine. Well, everything was far from fine, but as long as they weren't talking about breaking up Dan could handle it.

"Are you okay Phil?" Dan asked, Phil's sobs still coming through his speakers.

“If you are then yeah,” Phil sniffed. 

“Phil I’m sorry about the video," Dan said, not able to remember if he'd apologized at all.

“What, why?”

“Well because I got you to make the video which you know lots of people saw and like...you know.”

“Oh yeah,” Phil said as if he’d forgotten the hundreds of his subscribers had seen a video where he told "Bear" he loved them. “But it’s not your fault!”

“But I feel guilty...I know you like your private life private, and well now they pretty much know your dating someone,” Dan sighed.

“It’s okay I’ll just say it was for a friend, and the I love you thing, well we’re close friend,” Phil shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. 

“Will that convince them?” Dan asked, knowing he wouldn’t be convinced with that kind of explanation.

“Bear I’m not that worried, people have been speculating I’m seeing someone all year. You know, since apparently I’m a lot happier in my videos and not tweeting half as much as I used to,” Phil said, with a slight smile.

“But won’t this make it worse?” Dan asked, wondering why he was so much worried about what Phil’s subscribers thought of him than Phil himself.

“Bear,” Phil sighed. “I can’t control why people will think. I mean, I care what they think of my videos, but like in terms of my personal life, if it’s just speculation, and it isn’t affecting my real life or the people I love…I just don’t really care,” Phil shrugged.

“So you weren’t upset about it being public at all?” Dan said, who’d thought at least part of Phil’s breakdown had been due to that.

“Only for what you would think and how it would affect you” Phil sniffed.

“Oh okay,” Dan said, surprised Phil didn’t seem concerned about his subscribers seeing the video at all.

“But if you know I'm okay, are you still worried about anything then?” Dan asked, knowing Phil was still a pale, distant version of himself.

“No,” Phil shook his head quickly, perhaps a bit too quickly.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m just tired, it’s nothing,” Phil said, but clearly it was something. Dan didn’t want to ask again, but he knew there was something on Phil’s mind. If he’d wanted to share he would have, and while Dan didn’t feel like Phil was hiding anything, he hated that this had been such a huge cause of stress for him. Such a cause of stress that he'd thought for a moment Dan might  _break up_ with him.

“Hey Phil, have you thought about seeing your psychologist while your still in York?”

“Oh! Um, no why?”

“Well,” Dan sighed. “I really want to help you as much as I can and I want to tell you everything you need to hear, but you’ve said your psychologist has helped you in the past and I was just wondering if maybe it would help you to talk over this all.”

“Oh...Oh...maybe...you’re right I should... but he...I always see him Sunday, and I’m meant to come back to you Saturday.”

“Phil,” Dan said, heart breaking as he braced himself for what he was about to say, “You’ll be here all summer, one day won’t make a difference.”  
  
“Oh…so do you think I should try see him?”  
  
“If it will help you then of course I think you should.”

“Oh oh okay…you’re right Bear, you’re so right,” Phil nodded. “Maybe I’ll call him tomorrow.”

“Not maybe, say you’ll call.”

“I will,” Phil nodded. “Thanks Bear…you’re really the best.”

“Oh no,” Dan said, heart clenching suddenly. If Phil always saw his psychologist Sundays…and he’d race home to Skype Dan after work every Sunday afternoon, “You said you hadn’t seen him as much this year, was that because you talked to me on Sunday afternoons instead?”

“No, it wasn’t like that,” Phil said quickly. “I wouldn’t have seen him anyway because I was really over the worst of it. But um… I did um…I’m so sorry…I mean…I did still see him once a month…so I lied to you once a month,”

“You didn’t do the stock-take?” Dan smiled, remembering those days Phil got back from work late as he had to 'help do the stock-take' which in hindsight sounded to Dan like a funny euphemism for seeing a therapist. 

“I’m so sorry,” Phil said.

“No, I get it-“

“I was always going to tell you I just-"

“Way too hard to explain,” Dan said.

“Well kind of," Phil sighed. "I wish I'd told you I was having appointments. The only reason I kept saying that was, well it was my excuse for when we didn't know each other that well, and then once we did I went to say I'll be back from work a bit later, but you interrupted and said _oh stock-take right? Is that like a once a month thing?_ And I was shocked you’d remembered my excuse and I just said yes and then every month I’d go to say appointment and you’d be like, _stock-take right,_ and I’d just say yes” Phil sighed.

“Well to be fair it was a stock-take of your emotions," Dan smiled.

Phil burst out laughing. “I guess so.”

“Well now I have stock-takes too."

“Bear,” Phil laughed.

"It's nice to hear you laugh again," Dan smiled.

"Oh..I'm so sorry for all this Bear, this whole night...I've been acting crazy again" Phil sighed. "I really shouldn't have said the break up thing it's just...oh it's hard to explain. I know...I know we're different, I'm so sorry I said that. I promise like, that's not happening, I love you so so much, you know that right?"   
  
"Trust me I know," Dan said, although he was really worried that Phil didn't know how much he loved him. "But Phil like, I don't think I can even say how much I love you."   
  
"I know you do Bear, it was just my bad thoughts talking," Phil sighed.

"It's okay Phil." 

"I promise by the end of the summer you’ll know everything about it all,” Phil said.

“About him?” Dan asked tentatively.

“About him, about what happened, about my thoughts, everything,” Phil nodded. “I promise.”


	39. Chapter 39

Although Dan knew that there wasn’t any possibility they were breaking up, Dan still felt his chest ache as his mind replayed Phil’s words, his terrified voice stabbing at Dan’s heart as he begged Dan not to break up with him. He understood that Phil’s mind wasn’t in the best place last night, but Dan couldn’t help feel like it was partly his fault. Perhaps if he complimented Phil more, or planned their dates, or made more of an effort to make sure Phil knew just how much he loved him, then Phil wouldn’t have been as scared last night. He kept guessing how Phil was feeling, which he knew he shouldn’t do, but what if Phil felt like Dan didn’t put enough effort into their relationship? He remembered asking Phil this before and Phil saying that they showed their love in different ways but…what if he’d changed his mind? What if deep down he felt differently? _Don’t guess what he is thinking,_ Dan reminded himself _just ask him in the morning_.

But as he shifted those thoughts from his mind, he couldn’t help worry about Phil. He acted so different from normal last night, it was like after the night they’d first kissed, and suddenly Phil had a meltdown that he would hurt Dan, and then last night he was freaking out that Dan would break up with him. The similarities between his old relationship and his one with Dan seemed to be messing with his mind, and although Dan knew Phil was nothing like the other Dan, somehow Phil didn’t seem to be able to see that for himself.

Dan just hoped his psychologist could help Phil as he had in the past, that he could recover from this and forget the other Dan had even existed. Although Dan was a little worried, he wasn’t sure Phil could talk though all this in one appointment…what if he needed to stay in York an extra week? Or the whole summer? He felt so conflicted, he wanted Phil to get the help he needed, and if took that long, of course he would agree Phil should stay in York, But at the same time without Phil, he simply felt like a piece of himself was missing. Dan had this ache in his heart, feeling Phil’s absence pressing in on him. He just wanted to hold his hand again, feel his lips on his, see those bright blue eyes in person and hear the gentle tones of his voice that Skype couldn’t quite capture. After spending so much time together, talking simply felt so much harder over Skype. When they were together, even when they weren’t touching at all, there seemed to be this energy between them that couldn’t quite be replicated over Skype. It was there, but certainly dulled, making it harder to tell how Phil was feeling and what he needed to hear.

As well as this, Dan desperately wanted to ask questions about the other Dan, but he didn’t want them both to be in tears again over skype. Dan was even more confused than ever about what had happened with the other Dan. Was there a video involved as well? Phil said something about showing everyone their relationship, but somehow that didn’t make sense to Dan. In Phil’s previous descriptions of his bad relationship, it had all sounded so secretive, Phil had said the other Dan didn’t want anyone knowing he was gay….so why would he tell everyone? Had Dan misinterpreted what Phil said? It was possible, Phil hadn’t been speaking very clearly last night. But one thing was for sure, there was some kind of ‘set-up’ involved, he’d said that more times that Dan could count. But what was a set-up? The video thing? Was there even a video, or had Dan misinterpreted that too? Phil had said that he found out the other Dan didn’t love him at all…had the other Dan set up the entire thing to what, make a fool of Phil? Dan knew he should stop guessing, his heart pounding with fear, his stomach churning, but the only alternative to thinking about what had happened to Phil made him feel much worse…

Images of Ryan kept returning to his mind, fearing that somehow he had seen the video, somehow he knew Dan was Bear, somehow he knew he and Phil were dating. Ryan had bullied Dan to the point he ended up in hospital just because he’d heard him say Phil’s name one time, what would he do if he actually knew they were dating? Dan felt tears fall down his face as he thought this, beginning to panic again. Despite all the breathing practice he’d done, all the heightened awareness he had of the physical symptoms he knew would lead to a panic attack…he couldn’t calm himself down, and it hit him harder than ever. Dan wasn’t sure what hour of the morning it was, where he felt like the walls were caving in, like he was suffocating, like his heart was beating so fast he was going to have a heart attack…

“Bear it’s okay I promise, it’s all going to be okay, we just have to breathe now, can you do that with me?” Phil said. Dan wasn't sure where Phil had come from, or how he could hear his voice, but he kept talking to him and talking to him, and even though Dan couldn’t talk back he kept helping Dan breathe and promising it would be okay. Dan didn’t remember saying anything to Phil, he didn’t remember falling asleep, but somehow at some point he must have, because he woke and the room was bright, his Dad dozing in the armchair, his phone on the coffee table, leaving Dan to wonder if that had been real at all of if he’d just dreamt it.

“Dad?” Dan said, not knowing what time it was and when he was due for his next round of medication. His body seemed extra sore this morning, his shoulder aching, which his psychologist said not to worry about, as panicking could make anyone’s body ache, so it didn’t mean his injuries were any worse.

“Oh Dan! Sorry just resting, you okay there?” he asked.

“Yeah just woke up,” Dan told him, “everything’s really sore this morning.”

“I’m sorry Dan, it was a bad one last night, wasn’t it?” his Dad said.

“Yeah,” Dan said, feeling a tear fall down his face, just remembering how terrified he’d felt.

“It’s okay, let’s get you your pain relief, now,” his Dad said, beginning to feed him his breakfast. Dan felt another sense of sadness, as his Dad fed him breakfast, remembering all the times Phil had made him laugh so much between spoonfuls of cereal. “He’ll be back soon Dan,” his Dad said, as if he knew exactly what Dan was thinking. Dan swallowed his tablets, and after about 20 minutes his pain began to fade, although never quite completely, it was always in the background, to the point Dan had forgotten what it was like to not feel in pain.

“Dan, did something happen last night between you and Phil?” his Dad asked tentatively. _Oh no._ Had his Dad been listening to his and Phil’s conversation? Had he heard Dan say _Break up?_

“No! I mean kind of, but we’re fine, we’re great actually,’ Dan said, although part of him couldn’t help but feel like, maybe they weren’t great. He hoped that the break up thing was just Phil being scared about his past and nothing to do with how Dan had acted…

“No,” Dan groaned aloud realising how selfish what he'd just thought was. Of course he didn’t want Phil’s mental health to be that fragile, he wanted him to not have all these worries controlling him, but he just hated the feeling like Phil didn’t know how much Dan loved him….

“Dan, what’s going on?” His Dad said. What on earth did he say to his Dad? He was obviously worried about the call they'd had last night, probably having heard Dan crying, knowing how he'd woken up hours later in the worst panic attack he'd had. But he didn't want to tell him any of Phil's thoughts, and the video was too hard to explain, and he could never understand why Phil was scared they were breaking up (he didn't quite know himself,) and Dan didn't want to reveal just how scared he was of Ryan...

“I…I don’t think Phil knows how much I love him,” Dan stammered, the only true thing he could think to say to his Dad. 

“Dan, trust me he does,” his Dad said.

“I don’t think he does," Dan admitted, a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Dan, he really does. When he left for his exams, he kept telling me to look after you, he was so worried about how you were going to go this week without him, he said he felt awful for leaving," his Dad sighed. "He said something like, I know I mean the world to him, so me leaving is gonna be bad, I'm so worried.”

“He did? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Well he also said not to tell you, because he didn’t want you to worry about him worrying about you,” his Dad said with a small smile.

“Oh,” Dan smiled, once again amazed at the extents Phil went to to look out for Dan.

“He really loves you, hey?”

“Yeah,” Dan sighed, once again feeling like he didn’t do enough for Phil.

“He knows you love him that much too Dan,” his Dad said.

“I…I hope so,” Dan said.

“Well he um, I don’t know what happened with you guys last night, but I did have a brief chat with him after you fell asleep on the phone to him.”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier!” Dan exclaimed.

“Sorry Dan. I didn't know if it would make you more upset.

"What did he say?" Dan asked quickly.

"Oh, well he sounded quite upset, and he kept telling me to tell you how sorry he was for everything. I'm not sure what everything was, but he said he was sorry.”

“He doesn’t need to be though!” Dan sighed. 

“He also said he was going to be leaving a message on your phone with the calming stuff so you could listen to it in case you needed it while he was at his exam this morning.”

“Oh of course he did,” Dan said, of course Phil had managed to think of that while going through his own personal breakdown.

“He also left a message for you.”

“WHAT! WHAT DID HE SAY!!!”  
  
“He said he’d left a voice mail on your phone! I don’t know what he said.”

“Wait, where the hell is my phone?” Dan said, realising he hadn’t seen it since before he’d been in hospital.  

“It’s right here, I’ll hold it for you,” his Dad said, and Dan realised his Dad must have retrieved it from his locker at some stage (although how he knew where Dan’s locker was located was beyond him).

“And why did you wait this long to tell me!”

“I wanted to check in with you before,” his Dad sighed. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay first! I don’t know if this will make you upset!”

“It’s Phil Dad, it won’t, you know how much he looks out for me," Dan sighed.   
  
“Sorry, I should have…oh well I’ll let you hear it know.”

“It’s gonna be the first message, then the second one is the breathing stuff for if you need it.”  

“ _Message received today at 3:54am,”_

“Hey there Bear, I hope you’re feeling a bit better this morning, and don’t feel bad about waking me up, I’m just happy I woke to your Dad’s call, so I could help you,” Phil said, and Dan felt guilty imagining Phil waking in the middle of the night to a call from Dan’s Dad.

“Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I wanted to say again that I’m really sorry I mentioned breaking up thing. I promise it wasn’t in reaction to anything you had said or done or not said or not done, it was just a reaction to stuff in my own irrational mind…Bear…I really do know how much you love me, I promise,” Phil said, and Dan felt tears began falling down his cheeks. How did Phil know exactly what Dan needed to hear without even talking to him?

“Also, just in general, I really hope you’re not feeling like you don’t show me how much you love me…you’ve said that to me before, but you do show it Bear, honestly a lot more than I do. For me, it’s like every single word you say to me and every look in your eyes, I can feel how much you love me without you needing to say a thing…like your eyes are so, I can’t explain them Bear, I can just see it. Plus you have a special voice for me. I guess I thought that was the way your voice always sounded, since I'd never heard you speak to anyone else, but when now I've heard you talking to your Dad a lot more I've realised the voice for me sounds er...very in love I guess,” Phil laughed, and Dan felt himself blushing.

“Um but yeah, the reason I always go to so much effort to tell you I love you, with dates and rings and compliments and stuff, is because I’m really bad at showing my emotions, I keep too much inside, and unless I say that stuff directly, you might not see it. From what you've said in the past, you seem to feel like you need to keep up with me, but I feel like everything I do and say is just to keep up with you Bear!" Phil said, and Dan felt his heart filling again.  _Phil knows...he does know...he really does know._ "I want you to feel how much I love you as much as I feel you love me, that's why I say and do so much for you."

"Anyway I don’t know how long these messages record, and your probably rolling your eyes at how cheesy all this is but I love you so much, and I know that you love me too. I know you would never even think about us not being together, I’m really so sorry I let my fears cloud my judgement… I’ll talk to you really soon…we should talk about this more, when I get back, but um for now I’ll just say I love you my Bear."

“Dan, is everything all right?” his Dad asked, taking the phone away from Dan, and perhaps noticing Dan’s face was now covered in tears.

“Everything’s perfect," Dan smiled. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that fluff, I know not too much happened in this chapter but this needed to happen before the next couple chapters..which will be rather intense so get prepared  
> edit: on second thought the intense chapters will start Chapter 41


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning that Phil talks a lot about his mental health in this chapter, nothing too heavy, but just wanted to give you a heads up :)

Dan replayed Phil’s message again and again, still blushing as much as he had the first time he heard it. He had heard Phil say those kinds of things before, but never so directly, and he’d never said that he went to so much effort in their relationship because he wanted Dan to feel as loved as Phil himself felt, as Dan always made him feel.

“You’re gonna be a wreck when Phil calls, aren’t you?” his Dad laughed.

“Stop it!” Dan said, losing track of how many times his Dad had called him out for blushing.

“Prepared your reply?” His Dad chuckled.

“Stop stressing me out!” Dan said, already worried about how to adequately thank Phil for his message.

“Dan, it’s just Phil,” his Dad laughed.

“Exactly!”

“Yeah exactly, you couldn’t do anything to make that boy stop loving you.”

“Eugh!” Dan said wishing he could run to his room so his Dad couldn’t see him.

“He’ll be calling soon,” his Dad said, and a few minutes later Phil’s skype call came through.

“On no! I haven’t figured out what to say yet!” Dan said.

“Just blush and he’ll know,” his Dad smirked as he answered the call.

“Hey Bear!” Phil smiled, waving to the screen. His hair was ruffled and he was wearing his glasses, and Dan felt his heart racing thinking about how absolutely incredible Phil looked.

“Phil! Oh my God, Phil um hi!” Dan said, feeling himself as red as ever, glad his Dad was now out of the room. 

“You okay?” Phil smiled.

“Um yeah, yeah,” Dan blushed.

“Just thinking about how nice I look in my glasses, hey?” Phil teased.

“Well um, you do,” Dan mumbled.

“Thankyou!” Phil laughed. “Did you get my message?”

“Yeah," Dan said, blushing once again. 

“I promise I didn’t say any of those things to make you self-conscious,” Phil giggled, tongue poking between his teeth. “It was just really important to me to make sure that you knew that when I got scared um…about breaking up, it really was nothing to do with you. Just my silly brain,” Phil sighed. “Did you want to talk about anything I said in my message?”   
  
“Oh! Um well Phil, um thanks,” Dan said, feeling himself blushing again. What was wrong with him? Why was he suddenly so nervous with Phil?

“Bear, this doesn’t change anything.”   
  
“Oh no, I mean, I’m really, um, glad you said all that,” Dan said, not sure why he as getting tongue tied.

"Sorry to make you nervous," Phil giggled.

"Maybe a bit, just because, your message...it really meant a lot to me. You know, sometimes I worry I don’t show how much I love you enough, since like you compliment me all the time.”

“You don’t need to. I know you can’t see yourself but honestly, it’s your eyes Bear. I don’t know what it is but just the way you look at me,” Phil giggled as Dan blushed, “and that too.”

“But Phil like, I really love you more than anything, I don’t know why I find compliments and stuff like that so hard, but I’ll try harder if you want me to-“

“Forgive me for sounding cheesy again, but we show our love in different ways, and that’s kind of what makes us work so well.”

“Oh! Okay but um, I did want to remind you that like I love you no matter what, and like I would have fallen in love with you no matter when we met and Phil I promise with the video going public and everything, you’ve never done anything wrong,’ Dan said, eyes glancing to the reminders for being Phil’s boyfriend list he’d made Phil scribe for him.

“Aww Bear, thankyou,” Phil smiled.

“Um…also like, if there’s anything else I can do, is there anything I should add to my reminders list?”

“Bear stop being so cute my heart can’t take it."

"Oh," Dan blushed.

"But I am so so sorry that you felt worried, that I made you that worried," Phil frowned. "I know you know this now, but it wasn't you, me being scared of us breaking up...it was all just in my mind…which is hard to explain…”

“You don’t have to Phil," Dan said, wondering how to phrase what he wanted to say next. "I know you've struggled with mental health stuff, and lately it seems to have been…maybe worse, or I don't know, maybe it doesn’t feel like that to you,” Dan sighed, hoping he hadn’t said the wrong thing.

“No you’re right, it has been worse,” Phil nodded.

“Did you call your psychologist?”

“Oh yeah, I did,” Phil smiled, “good news actually, he had a cancellation for this afternoon, so I’ve got an appointment.”

“Phil, this is amazing!”

“I know, I’ll be back Saturday as planned!”

“Well I meant it’s amazing you can talk to him so quickly, but that's great too” Dan smiled. “But Phil, um is this...do you think this is the kind of thing you might need to see him more than once about?” Dan asked, knowing that  must be, but feeling shaky at the realization that Phil probably wouldn’t be able to stay the whole summer.

“Oh! Um yeah, look he thinks I might need a few more...well, maybe a lot more sessions,” Phil sighed. 

“Okay,” Dan said.  _Don’t cry. Phil needs this..you need to support him..you'll be fine you can Skype lots..._

“Bear! I’m still coming back for summer! Skype sessions,” Phil said quickly.

“You can do that?”

“Yeah I did the last couple summers because I was in Manchester with my parents.”

“But are you sure?”

“Super sure,” Phil smiled.  

“Well I’m really glad you can see your psychologist today, what time are you seeing him?”

“Oh! Um a couple hours…I’m sorry I’ll have to leave you for a bit,” Phil said.

“Phil don’t be sorry! This is so important Phil, I really want you to be able to work through whatever’s happening for you,” Dan said. He wished he could help more, he just had no idea how.

“Thanks for being so understanding,” Phil said quietly.

“Oh I wish I could understand more,” Dan sighed, feeling like he didn’t understand at all. “If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know Phil.”

“Oh, wow thankyou, that’s so nice of you,” Phil said, tilting his head and smiling that cute half smile of. “I’m sorry that I haven’t really talked about it…and that like, you’ve had to see me acting so..." Phil sighed. "I’m not really sure how I come across to you...like you know all those times, when I say crazy things?”

“Um, maybe?" Dan said, not sure if Phil was referring to the same times he was thinking of. 

“Like when I was scared I’d hurt you and that you’d break up with me, like all those times I get scared I'm the other Dan and stuff...” Phil sighed.

“Oh! Um yeah I know the times you mean,” Dan nodded. The times he felt so worried for Phil it felt like there was a hole in his chest, when Phil went so distant and unreachable it seemed like nothing Dan said could convince him that everything was okay.

“Well like..it’s like,” Phil sighed.

“Phil you really don’t have to talk about this,” Dan said, knowing how terrifying he found it to talk about the things in his own mind.

“I want to, I really want you to know, so if I say anything like that in the future, so you'll understand," Phil said desperately, a pleading look in his eyes.

"Of course Phil, but just don’t pressure yourself, I know this kind of stuff is hard.”

“But like, you need to understand that when I said like I was scared we were breaking up, it wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that Phil, you told me in your message. I’m not upset about that at all anymore, I’m honestly just really worried about you,” Dan said.

“Oh…oh you see,” Phil smiled. “This is why I want to explain it to you, you’re just so…so nice.”

“Okay, well take it slow Phil, really slow, one thing at a time, and if you feel overwhelmed we can stop, or take a break," Dan told him. "Just don’t push yourself, there’s no rush.”  
  
“Thankyou,” Phil said, looking down as if lost in thought for a few minutes. “So um, I’m just wondering before I actually tell you, in those times, how do I seem to you?"

“Um, well, um,” Dan stammered, not wanting to upset Phil at all. “I guess, your speech becomes kind of disjointed, like you're only telling me half the story...and you sort of talk about things that seem sort of well....”

“Irrational?” Phil suggested.

“Yeah,” Dan said, hoping he wasn’t offending Phil. “It’s like, I can’t reach you, like your stuck inside your mind.”

“Yeah stuck,” Phil nodded. “It feels like I’m stuck….it's um...it's just really hard to explain,” Phil sighed again. “What happened at your house and last night, like they weren’t super bad times. This whole thing, with my mental health…is really mostly in the past for me, but then recently I’ve felt it starting again." 

“Like since I’ve been in hospital?” Dan said, remembering the first time he'd noticed Phil acting like that. When they were in the hospital, and Dan's Mum had gone and told Phil that Dan's bullying was Phil's fault, and Phil had become distant and suddenly convinced that it was his fault.

“Well not because of that, but since around then I guess, yeah, I’ve felt it starting again."

“Phil…when you say, _it_ , what do you mean by that?” Dan asked, still not feeling like he grasped exactly what Phil meant.

“Um," Phil looked down nervously. 

“Sorry was that a shitty question?” Dan asked quickly, desperately hoping he hadn't offended Phil, who was trying so hard to explain whatever _it_ was.

“No of course not!” Phil said quickly. “I’m just trying to figure out how to explain it...it's just like, this feeling I get...this feeling of being stuck inside a thought,” Phil said, keeping his eyes downcast. "Like a thought will come along, and suddenly it’s all I can think about. I really want to not think about it…because the types of thoughts this happens with...they're the kind of thoughts I don’t really like, at all,” Phil sighed, and Dan could already feel tears welling in his eyes.

“Um…it’s just like, it will be an irrational thought, like for example thinking that I would hurt you....um, it just completely takes over everything, I can’t stop worrying about the thought, and I feel really nervous and sick because of it. It’s like nothing else feels real but that thought, like suddenly the thing I was worried about will happen, and everyone else feels distant from me, and it’s sort of like I’m talking to people but I’m not quite there….it’s really like…I know it sounds crazy but it feels like nothing is real.”

“That doesn’t sound crazy that sounds awful Phil,” Dan said, feeling tears leaking down his face. How could this happen to Phil? How could he just not have known? He should have noticed or done something to help him...he knew Phil seemed so distant in those times...he should have thought about it more. All those times when Phil was scared he was like the other Dan...this was what was going on...

“It...yeah…it’s really awful."

“But this must have been going on the whole time I’ve known you Phil? How could I just not realise?” Dan cried. He wished he could have done more to help Phil, he wished he could have understood more earlier, suddenly feeling guilty for every time he'd wonder why Phil was saying such...irrational things, feeling awful that he'd become upset and confused over those things when Phil couldn't help it himself...

“Oh Bear, no don’t blame yourself. Actually in the time you’ve known me, since around this time last year, it's actually been really manageable. Like when it happens, everything is still real, I feel less sick and I don’t get stuck in bed with it anymore. Like it used to be that I couldn’t do anything when it happened, I’d just have to sort of lie in bed until it left, which could be hours or days...or weeks,” Phil said quietly. 

“Oh Phil,” Dan said, feeling tears falling down his own face to realise how much Phil had suffered. Poor Phil...Dan couldn't even imagine what that was like. How had he coped? He must have been struggling with this for so long, Dan realised, as tears cascaded down his cheeks. How was he able to do anything with this kind of thing going on in his mind? It had probably been going on at times while Dan was talking to him...and Dan just hadn't known....

“Oh no Bear, don’t cry, it’s okay! Bear, I’m okay,” Phil asked. 

“But you’re not Phil, this must be so hard for you” Dan sniffed.

“It can be, but like I said I’m a lot better than I used to be.  Like I haven’t been totally paralyzed by it in over a year, while the thoughts can be there, I can talk and do other things.

"But it's still there?"   
  
"Sometimes...it can be like a thought is in the back of my mind, and I keep flicking back to it, but I can do other things. It doesn't totally take over me like it used to.”

“But this is what was happening all those times like at my house and last night?” Dan asked, hearing his voice crack.

“Well it sort of, those times you saw me like that, that was what it feels like at the start. Like a thought crossing my mind but doesn’t leave, and over a few hours it just totally consumes me…but like luckily at your house it hadn’t quite consumed me yet, like it was getting there…I was feeling really sick, and like those things I was saying felt like they would happen, like my mind was yelling at me that everything I’d ever done was wrong, like I was the other Dan, and that I was going to do to you what he had done to me….and I felt scared that I would, and um I don’t know it’s hard to explain like I can’t even quite work it out yet…”

“I’m so sorry Phil,” Dan cried.

“Bear, it’s okay,” Phil said gently.

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

“Please don't be, you couldn’t know without me telling you.”

“I’m sorry...I'm so sorry," Dan cried. "I said awful stuff, like when I said stuff like of course _y_ _ou wouldn't hurt me Phil, why would you think that I would break up with you_ ," Dan sobbed. "But you didn't want to think those things...you couldn't help it...I must have made it harder, I'm so sorry."

“Oh Bear, don’t cry, you've never made it harder I promise. The way you said those kind of things, you were being very kind Bear, you're always kind, and some of those things were really grounding, like they help me stay stable and stay afloat. I actually really appreciate you talking to me like that, like I'm just normal, like you never call me crazy or look at me like I'm insane," Phil sighed. "I promise, you've never said anything to make me feel bad about his. Trust me on that, it's okay, you don't have to cry," Phil said gently. 

“Why aren’t you crying?” Dan said, wondering how Phil could talk about this without crying himself. 

“Sometimes I do, but it’s so much better than it was, and I just look at the progress rather than the problems...although at the moment it's hard not to focus on the problems" Phil sighed. “All this stuff in my mind, it can be so random, like I can’t predict when it will happen…like I’m so happy with you, I always thought as I got happier, it would get better, and it seemed to but now…well now I don’t know.”  

“Brains are weird, aren’t they?” Dan said, wondering for himself how he could be happier than ever with Phil in his life, but also less functional with his panic attacks than he had ever been.

“Really weird,” Phil smiled. “I guess recently, it’s not your fault, it’s just my brain, but like, my mind has somehow decided to keep comparing my old relationship with ours,” Phil sighed. “Like so often I feel like that I am the other Dan, and just like thinking that you’re feeling how I was feeling. And right now, like my mind feels good now, and I can tell you that obviously that isn’t at all true, but in those moments, it’s like it is true, and like, it’s so hard for me to get out of that state...I wish I could explain it better for you, I know this doesn’t make much sense.”

“Phil everything you’ve said makes so much sense! Phil that…that really explains so much, thankyou so much for telling me, and like trusting me, because I know that must be really scary.”

“Oh Bear,” Phil said, smiling as tears fell out of his eyes. ”Did you have any other questions?

“Oh um, um, are you sure? I could ask you another day if talking about this is draining for you-"

“No I, really want to talk about this with you,” Phil smiled.

“Okay, well I hope I don’t sound like I’m trying to apply this to myself…I just really want to understand…but when it happens, I know you get stuck on thoughts, but when you say you get nervous and stuff, do you get panic attacks too?”

“Not anymore. I used to, when this all started I had a lot,” Phil nodded. “But not anymore, like occasionally I can feel one coming on, but I've gotten really good at pacing my breathing, which is why I can help you a lot," Phil added. 

“Have you ever been diagnosed with anything?”

“Well it’s sort of complicated,” Phil sighed. “I know a lot of people would be able to say this is what I suffer from with a term or something, but for me, at the start I sort of decided I didn’t want to know my diagnosis. Names just make me more stressed, and like I didn’t want to know...the thing is with like mental health and stuff…you know it’s different for everyone, I just try to work on what I know is going on in myself, but not give it any names, that’s probably weird I know.”   
  
“Not at all, Phil.”

“I mean…I mean I kind of do know what it is, it’s sort of like a combination of a lot of different things, like we talk about anxiety and derealisation, and like obsessive thought spirals, and he always says like…um like,” Phil sighed, suddenly seeming very tired.

“Phil it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about like names, I get it. I hadn’t thought of my panic attacks as panic attacks, and when she said it I did feel more stressed, so I completely know what you mean.”

“Oh thankyou Bear…maybe another time,” Phil nodded.

“Phil I’m glad that it’s been better this year, but I’m really sorry you’ve had such a hard few weeks, I…I know you’ve been stressed with me in the hospital, and like stressful having a real life three dimensional boyfriend after what happened with your past and stuff...like it seems to have been really bad since like...since like we kissed,”

“Maybe….I have thought about it,” Phil sighed. “But it’s really not your fault, and our first kiss was one of the best moments of my life…my brain just…just...I wish I could explain this better,” Phil sighed.

“Phil you literally just explained everything, and although like I can’t know exactly what it’s like to be in your mind, I think I get it. I hope like, you can get it manageable again soon,” Dan said. He really hoped Phil could get completely better, but perhaps it was one of those things he couldn’t completely recover from, he just had to manage. 

“Oh thankyou you’re so lovely Bear,” Phil smiled. “You know, at the moment, it’s really not as bad as it used to be…like I’m glad you haven’t had to see me at its worst…I just hope I can work it out before it gets any worse."

“Phil I know you want to be here, and of course I do too, but this is super important Phil, I don’t want it to get any worse for you so if you need to stay in York-”

“No way, it’s all sorted with the skype sessions,” Phil assured him.

“Okay,” Dan smiled. “But Phil like, how can Ihelp you? Is there anything that I should be aware of? And in those times where you get stuck, what should I say? Or is it better if I leave you alone? Or is it better to have someone with you, but like silently? Like I could just sit with you and hold your hand? Or, is there stuff I could look out for to know that’s what’s happening for you? Sorry, that’s probably a lot of questions, all I mean is what’s the best way I can help?” Dan asked looking back at Phil and suddenly he noticed Phil was crying. “Oh no Phil are you okay? I didn't mean...I really didn't mean to treat you differently because of this or anything, if you want me to just act as always, of course I can do that too."

“Oh Bear," Phil laughed. "No, I’m great, really great,” Phil smiled. “No one’s ever offered me to help me like that, so I’m just…I’m just really touched.”

“Oh, well I just want to help.” Dan said.

“You honestly help so much, like just you being yourself and saying nice things to me really helps, just like the way you treat me like…like I’m not insane...like I'm still your Phil” Phil smiled.

"Well um, you're always my Phil." 

“Even when I’m acting crazy?” Phil asked, and Dan wondered how other people had treated him when he was at his worst...

“Yeah, of course your still my Phil, just my Phil who's fighting a war in his mind.”

“Aww Bear, I love you.”

“I love you too. Whenever you figure out how I can help, let me know.”

“Thankyou, I’ll have to think about it, but what you’ve done in the past has been amazing…” Phil sniffed.

“Was there anything in particular?” Dan asked.

“I have no idea Bear…I feel really confused about it all,”

“It’s okay. How about I just say what I usually would, but if you think of anything else you tell me.”

“I really want to kiss you so much right now,” Phil said suddenly.

“I wish,” Dan sighed.

“Thanks for listening to me talk Bear, you’ve been absolutely perfect."

“Phil I really hope I haven’t said anything insensitive or anything."

“No! This is without a doubt the best conversation I’ve ever had about this. Honestly the only good one.”

“Oh no, your other conversations about this haven't gone well?” Dan asked.

“Yeah…you could say that,” Phil sighed. “I have never been able to talk about it like this, people usually don’t listen, and then if they do, they just tell me,” Phil sighed again. “I know they mean well, they’re trying to help, but when they say certain things, it just makes me feel like crawling into the bed and crying for a week,” Phil sighed.

“Oh Phil, that’s awful.”

“Yeah…yeah,” Phil sighed. “Like it just really hurts when people say stuff like...like don't focus on it, just think about something else.”

“People have actually said that to you?”

“Yeah."

“What the fuck, don’t they realise you would if you could?”

“I love you, I fucking love you,”

Dan laughed. “You just swore!”

“I love you that much.”

“I’m honoured,” Dan smiled.

“I really mean it though, thank you for listening and being so open minded. Since this all started I’ve never had anyone understand, most people don’t even try,” Phil sighed.

“Well that's their problem Phil, because you actually explained it really well.”

"Oh thanks," Phil said, and Dan felt himself smiling as he saw a blush rise to Phil's cheeks.

"Phil, if you don’t mind me asking when did this start? Was it all after…after what happened with...”  _the other Dan._

“It yeah…it all started once I found out that um that he’d never loved me…even liked me ,” Phil grimaced. “I promise I’ll tell you the other Dan stuff soon…I know you’re probably really confused after whatever I was rambling about last night.”

“It’s okay, I can live with confusion, there’s really no rush. Top priority is for you to get back to being mostly okay.”

“I will be okay don't worry…I want so badly to keep talking to you about this, but I’m going to have to head to my appointment.”

“Oh shit, you’re not late, are you?”

“Nah, I’ve still got plenty of time.”

“Well I hope it goes okay, I’m…I’m…” Dan stammered, why did he find these kinds of things so hard to say?

“Proud of me?” Phil teased.

“Yeah,” Dan blushed. “How’d you know?”

“Because your eyes are all soft and crinkly at the corners, and you've got that smile where one dimple is out but not the other one, and that little patch on your right cheek is red.”

“Oh,” Dan blushed, surprised once again Phil knew his expressions and his thoughts so well.

“Thankyou,” Phil smiled.

“Now, in terms of you, while I’m at my appointment, if you begin to feel any kind of bad feeling, you have to call me.”

“I’m not interrupting your appointment!”

“I’ve literally taken half hour breaks in the middle of appointment before, please call me.”

“No Phil I’m not going to interrupt you,”

“Well if you don’t agree to call me the second you start to feel bad I’m not going at all.”

“Okay I’ll call…Phil thankyou…and for being so understanding with me too…I’m lucky…my Dad too, I feel I’ve been like so supported.”

“You deserve that Bear,” Phil said.

“You do too Phil,” Dan said, heart aching for how hard it must have been for Phil with no support.

“Thankyou, I really should go though.”

“Of course, good luck.”

“Thankyou I love you...really really after today wow Bear...thankyou...really."  
  
"Thankyou for trusting me, I love you too.”

 


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting for this one <3  
> This chapter is quite sad at the end (everyone is completely fine don't worry) but I cried when I wrote it so be prepared for that...

Although Dan felt exhausted, he was determined to stay awake until Phil finished his appointment, knowing that if he fell asleep the nightmares could lead to a panic attack, which would mean he'd have to call Phil and interrupt his appointment, which he really didn't want to have to do. However staying awake had it's own set of difficulties, fighting against tears as he remembered all the things Phil had told him about his mental health, wondering what the other Dan had done to leave Phil so broken. An ache settling in his chest when he thought about how much Phil had been through, and was still going through. Dan still felt awful he had never realised that Phil was struggling, wondering how many of their Skype calls Phil was battling against terrifying thoughts, hoping that Phil had been honest when he said Dan had never made it harder for him.

“He just finished his appointment, said he’ll call in 5 minutes,” his Dad said, after Dan had shed what felt like buckets of tears. “Dan…are you going to tell me what this appointment was about?”

“It’s…Phil might not want me to tell you,” Dan mumbled.

“Dan you’ve been awfully upset today…is Phil okay?"

“Um…I’m not sure…he’s…not really," Dan said, his voice catching in his throat.

“Is he unwell?”

“Not like contagious or anything,” Dan said quickly. 

“Does he," his Dad paused. "Does he struggle with the same things you Dan?”

“What do you mean?” Dan said quickly, how could his Dad even know it was related?

“Well he always knows just how to help you, so I’ve just wondered if he’s been through it himself, that’s all.”

“Oh, well, it’s complicated.”

“These things usually are. Just, is he getting help with it?”

“I’m not telling you Dad, this is Phil’s business.”

“Dan this is,” his Dad sighed. “If Phil’s unwell and he’s staying here, I really do need to be aware of this. Is this appointment...is he getting the help he needs?”

“Yeah," Dan sighed.

“What about when he's here?”

“Skype, he says he does it every summer,” Dan said.

“Okay.”

“I shouldn’t be telling you this,” Dan said, feeling guilty.

“Dan, you’ve said literally nothing, all I know is Phil’s not doing well and he’s getting help.”

“You shouldn’t know he’s not doing well.”

“I could kind of tell from all the tears Dan…and he’s…doesn’t matter, as long as he’s getting help.”

“He’s what?”

“Well, this whole ordeal been hard on both of you.”

“Oh…yeah,” Dan said, realising that all the tears he was shedding to know Phil was struggling so much, would have also been shed by Phil to see the same of Dan.

"It’s him,” his Dad said, answering Phil's incoming Skype call for Dan.

“Oh hey Bear, you look so beautiful” Phil said quietly, almost as if he couldn’t believe Dan was there.

“Oh um…thanks” Dan blushed, knowing his Dad could hear every word as he left the room.

“I really really love you,” Phil said, his fingers reaching towards the screen.

“I love you too,” Dan said, surprised to find himself yawning.

“Did you sleep?” Phil asked.

“Um…I didn’t want to…in case…I didn’t want to have to interrupt you.”

“Oh Bear, you look exhausted.”

“But did you go okay at your appointment Phil?” Dan asked, trying to stop his eyes from closing.

“Yeah,” Phil sighed.

“Not okay?”

“No it was…just lots…just um lots..lots of things to think about,” Phil sighed.

“Bad things?” Dan yawned. 

“Um…it’s okay…just maybe…maybe…um…some stuff I hadn’t. I was thinking about some things I hadn’t quite realised I suppose,” Phil said slowly, his voice sounding shaky.

“But Phil…Phil…you’ll be okay?”

“Of course,” Phil said.

“I love you Phil,” Dan mumbled as he fell asleep.

When Dan woke his chest ached, the usual sign that his heart had been racing to accompany his nightmares, and Dan opened his eyes quickly before his brain could try to retain any of them.

“Oh no!” Dan said, seeing it was already dark outside. How could he have slept for so long? “I’m so stupid, I tried not to fall asleep while you were gone so I wouldn’t interrupt your appointment and then I was so tired I didn’t even get to talk to you about your appointment.”

“Bear it’s okay,” Phil said gently, “to be honest, even if you were awake…I really wasn’t up to talking about it.”

“But I still wanted to be there for you.”

“You were,” Phil smiled.

“But I was asleep."

“It was actually really calming just to watch you sleep,” Phil smiled.

“Oh,” Dan blushed, and Phil laughed.

“If you’re feeling okay, we could talk now." Phil said. "I mean if you're up to it, we don’t have to.”

“Of course!”

“So um just on the topic of, you asked what you could do to help me," Phil began. "I’m really hoping it won’t happen again, but it’s um likely that it will,” Phil sighed. ”So um, if you’re ever like talking to me…um, I guess the thing is sometimes I don’t exactly realise what’s happening, I mean I feel really weird and I feel completely sick, but I don’t always realise I’m stuck until after, so um…when people ask me if I’m stuck when I’m stuck, sometimes that makes me more stressed because then I feel trapped.”

“Got it, no asking if you’re stuck,” Dan said.

“Thanks Bear,” Phil said, smiling warmly at him.

“Anything else?” Dan asked.

“I think you’ve already got it covered,” Phil smiled.

“Can you remind me?”

“Uh sure,” Phil laughed. “Well you’re just nice to me, you say kind things, you tell me you love me, and that it will be okay.”

“What about questions, do I ask you questions?”

“Oh um,” Phil frowned. “Well as long as it’s relating to what I’m saying. Like if I say something you don’t understand you could ask me about it. But don’t like ask about anything I’m not talking about at that time, as I can get overwhelmed sort of easily in that state.”

“Okay got it. So if you’re talking about us I wouldn’t bring up the” _other dan,_ “your exams or something.”

“Yeah, perfect,” Phil smiled. “I know I told you a lot about this all at once, do you want to ask anything?”

“Do you think you know… don’t worry actually,” Dan sighed, realising what he’d been about to ask probably wasn’t helpful.

“No ask,” Phil insisted.

“It was a stupid question.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t."

“I don’t want to upset you."

“Just ask, if I don’t want to answer I won’t,” Phil said.

“Well you said your appointment made you realise something…um did you maybe realise why it’s worse at the moment?”

“Oh,” Phil sighed, looking down suddenly.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said quickly, wishing he’d asked something else.

“No that’s a very um…no um, yeah…yeah I did sort of realise,” Phil sighed, “except um…I probably…um won’t be able to tell you just yet.”

“Oh, I wasn’t like, I wasn’t expecting you to, I was just wondering. Um, do you think you’ll be…like well enough to come back over summer?” Dan asked, worried that it might not be best for Phil to stay after the conversation with his Dad.

“Yes! Yes of course Bear!” Phil said quickly.

“Okay, just because-“

“Bear, I know exactly what you’re going to say,” Phil said gently. “It makes me feel very loved to know you care so much but, I think I’ve got it under control now. I’ll be fine.”

However over the next few days Dan couldn’t help but notice that Phil seemed to be slipping further and further from his usual self. At first he kept saying he was just tired, but as the days passed Phil seemed more distant, Dan finding it harder and harder to hold a normal conversation with him. His speech was becoming disjointed, his reactions seemed slowed, and he didn’t seem to register or even hear half the things Dan was saying to him. He was easily confused, constantly needing reassurance that Dan loved him, and complimenting Dan more than ever. Dan felt completely sick to imagine what must be going through Phil’s mind, wondering what thoughts had captured him, and fearing how long this would go on for. Dan’s chest was aching, he found himself crying at random intervals, feeling so useless, unable to help Phil.

“Phil is there anything I can do for you?” Dan asked on Thursday afternoon, when he could see Phil wasn’t coping again.

“For…for me?”

“Yeah, would you like me to talk about something in particular? Or not talk at all? Or would you like me to listen?”

“Oh…um…I really love you Bear, you know that right?”

“Of course I do.”

“You love…you love me too right?” Phil said, his voice suddenly sounding squeaky, filled with fear as if it were a real possibility that Dan didn’t love him back.

“Yes I love you so much Phil,” Dan assured him, eyes blurring up with tears to see how scared Phil was.

“You’re…you’re…crying, I made you cry!”

“No, I’m not crying!” Dan said, a tear falling as he did. 

“But you are!” Phil insisted.

“Nah, it’s um…just the Skype connection,” Dan lied, trying to keep the rest of his tears from dropping.

“But…you cried so much…all the time…I couldn’t ...meant to help…meant to stop this…” Phil stammered, and suddenly burst into tears, and Dan felt his chest ache again as he had no idea what Phil was talking about.

“You always help me Phil, it’s okay.” 

“I…help?” Phil asked, disbelief through his voice.

“Always Phil, you’ve helped me so much,” Dan said, heart feeling like it was breaking all over again. What was going through Phil’s mind?

“But…you…they…it’s all my fault,” Phil said quietly.

“Nothing’s your fault Phil,” Dan said, wishing he knew what Phil was thinking so he could convince him, show him, that it wasn't his fault.

“I….didn’t think we would ever…I thought we’d never…” Phil stammered. “What if we never met?”

“Well we did," Dan said quickly, not liking to think about how his life might have turned out if Phil hadn't tweeted him back. 

“Right…oh…that’s good.”

“Phil everything’s okay,” Dan told him, wondering as he had been for the past two days; what exactly Phil was so worried about? “It’s all okay Phil.”

“I don’t feel okay, Bear,” Phil said, tears now falling down his face. 

“I know Phil, is there anything I can do for you?”

“You’re injured,” Phil said, beginning to sob. “Bear, you’re injured,’  
  
“I’m okay Phil,” Dan said, had Phil forgotten about his injuries?

“But you’re hurt and I’m…I’m not…I’m not there…I….I,” Phil sobbed, “why aren't I…I should be with you!”

“It’s okay, we’ll be together in two days,” Dan said. Two days still felt like forever away, but Phil didn't need to hear that right now.

“Oh…yeah…right…” Phil said looking down. “You’re still there?” Phil asked, looking up suddenly, as if Dan might have disappeared in the second he hadn’t had his eyes on him.

“Not going anywhere.”

“Oh!” Phil said, smiling for the first time in a while. “And you’ll be there when I get back?”

“On this couch, right here, waiting for you,” Dan said.

“Oh! Right…but…but I need to be there…I should be there…what if…”

“I’ll be okay until then,” Dan assured him, he'd managed five days without Phil, he could get through two more. 

“What about after then?”

“Then we’ll be together and it will be great.”

“We’re not together anymore?” Phil said, his lip quivering.

“We are still boyfriends of course," Dan said quickly.

“Boyfriends?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh…right…will we always be boyfriends?”

“I hope so.”

“Oh…oh…but…but can we be husbands instead?”

“Maybe one day,” Dan blushed.

“I thought I’d never get to see that in real life.”

“See what? Us…us getting married?” What was Phil saying?

“Your blush…it’s…so…cute..” Phil smiled. “Are you still there?”

“Yes Phil.”

“Will you keep being there?”

“Yes,” Dan said.

“So you won’t…if I hang up…and then call you…you’ll still answer?” Phil checked again.

“I’ll be right here on this couch.”

“Okay…not like….hospital…”

“Hospital?” Dan asked, his heart racing…oh no was this all linked to when Dan was in hospital?

“You’re going to hospital?” Phil said quickly, jumping up suddenly and moving around his bedroom.

“No Phil, I’m not. Phil please, sit down,” Dan begged, heart breaking as he watched Phil flurrying around the room, throwing things off his shelves, opening draws, pulling everything out of his suitcase.

“I can’t find my wallet where is it? I can’t get a train ticket without my wallet!” Phil cried.

“You don’t need one today, you’re coming back Saturday.”

“Hospital…now” Phil said desperately, crying as he threw things off his desk, still thinking he needed to find his wallet.

“Phil it’s okay, you don’t need to find your wallet, I’m not going to hospital,” Dan said, feeling his throat become dry, finding it hard to breathe just seeing how distressed and confused Phil was.

“You’re not?” Phil said slowly, finally hearing Dan for the first time.

“No, I’m not,” Dan said, and slowly Phil sat back down in his seat, shaking, face covered in tears.

“So…oh…okay…but…but what if I call and you don’t pick up?” Phil sobbed. “Will…will you be..in hospital again?”

“No, I’ll be here,” Dan said, but his words seemed lost on Phil who’d already turned hysterical.

“I need you Bear…please don’t leave me…don’t go please don’t go,” Phil sobbed.

“I won’t Phil,” Dan said, "I'm not breaking up with you I promise." 

"Don't go please...Bear," Phil sobbed and suddenly Dan felt his whole body shaking as he realised what this was all about, floods of tears cascading down his cheeks as his mind linked all of Phil’s disjointed sentences together, reflecting on all the times Phil had become distant and scared, realising that behind all the things he’d been scared of on the surface, Phil was scared of something much darker. Something that had been haunting Phil since Dan had been in hospital; because Dan had been in hospital. Because Dan was meant to call him and he hadn’t and Phil had panicked that Dan wasn’t okay. That he’d had to hear that Dan had fallen down 37 concrete stairs, and not known whether he would ever speak to him again, thinking he’d never be able to meet him in real life. He’d probably travelled across the country in fear he was about to attend Dan’s funeral, then seen him battered and broken in a hospital bed. Phil had spent weeks listening to Dan scream in sleep that Ryan was hurting him, watching Dan panic for hours every day over the possibility it might happen again. Phil’s fears, his worries, his anxious thoughts had all been heightened by a deeper, overwhelming fear; something that Dan should have realised when Phil was crying at the hospital, hands shaking, as he told Dan he was glad he was okay.

"Please don't leave me Bear...please," Phil sobbed and suddenly Dan realised Phil wasn’t scared of them breaking up: Phil was scared of losing Dan completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if I made you cry :’(


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back after a spontanious week off (but that's a long irrelevant story)  
> Thanks for being so patient & waiting for this! Especially after leaving you on that last chapter :"( (Sorry if i made you cry )  
> Also just a warning that Dan has a panic attack in this chapter, which is much more detailed than usual. It's the fourth paragraph, in italics, and can easily be skipped without losing any plot :)

Dan couldn’t stop the tears flowing, couldn’t stop his heart aching as he realised the magnitude of Phil’s suffering over the past few weeks. He suddenly realised that all the times Phil had burst into tears out of nowhere, were really just times Phil felt so much love for Dan, that he became terrified he would lose him. How had Phil been so strong? If the roles were reversed, Dan knew he wouldn’t have been able to keep it together at all. If he’d had to see Phil go through everything he’d been through, he wouldn’t have spent a moment not crying. How had Phil managed to be so brave? Not just for himself, but for Dan as well? Always telling him everything would be okay, that Ryan wouldn’t hurt him again, even though it was clear to Dan now, that Phil was just as (if not more) worried about the same thing.

Dan felt so guilty he hadn’t realised, that he hadn’t taken any time before now to think about how the whole situation would have affected Phil. He felt like a terrible boyfriend, like he hadn’t been there for Phil when he needed him, and he still wasn’t being there for him as he just sat in silence watching him cry. He wanted to say something, he wished he could say anything, but his voice had become trapped in his throat, his brain unable to summon any words that could comfort Phil.

But as he watched Phil cry it became clear to him that he couldn’t tell Phil that he knew, because if he did Phil’s first thoughts would go to how Dan was feeling, and he’d worry that he was making things harder for Dan. Then he’d get scared Dan was angry with him, or going to break up with him, that he was going to lose Dan just by Dan knowing he was scared of the very thing. Of course, they would have to talk about it at some point, but not at this point, when Phil was so distressed he hadn’t even noticed Dan was crying, which had never happened the entire time he’d known Phil. He hadn’t even seemed to notice that Dan hadn’t spoken in minutes, how his breathing had become shallow and rapid. Dan was getting more and more anxious, feeling more and more panicky as he felt the familiar signs that he was about to have a panic attack. He’d never got through one on his own before, he’d always had Phil there to tell him to breathe, to keep his mind from spiralling out of control. But now it was happening and Phil couldn’t help him…how was he meant to get through this without Phil?

_Don’t panic, can’t panic...don't let Phil see you panic...breathe, breathe in…no...need more air…no that’s bad don’t breathe fast…something about carbon dioxide…is Phil okay?...has he noticed?...don't let him notice or he might start panicking...oh no what if Phil panics?....stop it...just breathe...breathe slow…need more air…breathe out remember to breathe out…slower…..what if Phil sees this, he’ll freak…don’t panic…need to do this for Phil don’t panic…don’t panic…stop thinking about it just breathe….breathe in 2,3,4 ..breathe out 2,3,4…Phil's crying...need to help Phil…need to stop panicking…help Phil…breathe in…in…in...need more air…no don’t do that… breathe out…gonna faint…need more air so much more air…no stop panicking…what does Phil say…in nose…3…4…out mouth….don’t panic…Phil needs you…breathe in…breathe out…you’re not dying it’s just panic…breathe in…breathe out…is Phil going to be okay? what if he’s not okay…breathe Dan…Phil needs you to breathe to be okay…breathe in…2…3...4...5…out…2…3...4...5...just panic, nothing to be scared of…done this before…Phil’s not okay Phil’s not okay…he’s fine…just breathe in…for Phil…breathe out 2,3,4 …in 2,3,4…out 2,3,4…in 2,3,4,5…out 2,3,4,5…in 2,3,4,5…out 2,3,4,5_

Dan had no idea how he managed it, but after what seemed like forever of counting and slowing his breathing, somehow his heart began to slow, and the panic seemed to fade. He felt quite shocked that it had happened, that he'd panicked over something that wasn't Ryan hurting him again...but he was more shocked that he had been able to talk himself through it, that it had passed without even needing Phil’s help. He felt proud of himself for a second, before hearing Phil sobbing through his laptop speakers, and then he felt guilty again, not knowing how much time had passed since he said anything comforting to Phil, who was crying because he loved Dan so much and he was so scared of him not being around.

”Phil I love you so much,” Dan said, the only words he could think to say, with tears still dripping down his cheeks, pain in his chest as he saw how upset Phil was, thinking about how hard it must be to have his brain tell him again and again that he could lose Dan…

“Phil…it will be okay,” Dan said, although his own mind was telling him that perhaps Phil’s fears weren’t unjustified… _don’t think about don’t think about it_

“Bear?” Phil said quietly, as if he’d forgotten Dan was there (or perhaps, his mind had made him believe he wasn’t.)

“I’m here,” Dan said, his voice cracking, his heart racing as he tried to not fall into a panic attack again _breathe in…breathe out_

“Bear…oh…you’re there.”

“Yep,” Dan said, hoping Phil wouldn’t listen closely enough to hear how out of breath he was.

“Are you okay?” Phil said suddenly.

“Yeah,” Dan said, determined not to show that he’d been panicking, or that he had any idea that Phil was scared of losing him. He knew he’d have to tell him at some point, they would need to have that conversation, but not now, not when Dan was barely keeping his breathing steady, when Phil looked like he could melt into a puddle of tears at any moment.

“Bear…I love you,” Phil sniffed.

“I know, I love you too,” Dan said.

“Bear…are you…are you still there?” Phil asked. What was going through Phil’s mind when he said that? Did he just want affirmation, or…or was he really scared that Dan wasn’t there anymore?

“Still here, not going anywhere,” Dan told him, still trying to shake the panicky feeling.

“But I miss you so much….and …and you’re hurt…and I’m…I’m not there” Phil said, breaking into tears again, causing Dan’s tears to run faster again, a new sense of helplessness and desperation washing over him. Phil had been saying the same things all day, asking the same questions, crying at the same moments. He felt so lost, witnessing Phil in this endless cycle of thoughts, knowing that nothing he could say or do would be able to help Phil out of it.

“I should be with you,” Phil cried.

“Phil you’re going to be back really soon,” Dan said, unable to keep the sob out of his voice.

“Oh no you’re crying!” Phil said “What’s wrong? What’s happened? Did I make you cry?”

“No, I’m…I’m fine.”

“But you’re crying!” Phil said, pulling a tissue from beside himself to wipe his own eyes.

“It’s okay.”

“But why are you crying?”

“Just um...no reason.”

“Is it because…because I’m not there?”

“No.”

“Oh…you don’t miss me at all?”

“I do!” Dan said quickly.

"But if you miss me, I need to be there, I need to come back right now!”

“No, you’re exactly where you need to be,” Dan said quickly, before Phil could stand up and start throwing everything into his suitcase.

“You don’t want me back?”

“Of course I do,” Dan sobbed.  It felt like whatever he said made it worse, like Phil’s brain would try to turn everything into proof Dan didn’t love him, or proof Phil was about to lose him. How on earth was he meant to help Phil through this?

“You’ll come back on Saturday morning remember?” Dan reminded him.

“Saturday…okay…so…I’ll come to your house and you’ll be there?”

“Yep,” Dan said, trying to stop crying.

“What if…what if you’re not there?” Phil asked.

“I will be,” Dan said, feeling himself shaking. “Then…then we can hold hands and we can kiss again,” Dan said.

“Really?” Phil said, a small smile appearing on his face, and Dan felt a sense of relief just to see Phil could still smile.

“Definitely.”

“Can we kiss as soon as I get back?”

“Yeah, if you want to,” Dan smiled, so relieved Phil was finally moving on from asking the same set of questions.

“I’d like that,” Phil smiled.  “I love kissing you Bear…you love kissing me too right?”

“I really do,” Dan said, finally able to stop crying at Phil’s smile.

“Oh! Can we kiss a lot when I get back?” Phil asked eagerly.

“Yeah, that would be nice,” Dan blushed.

“Can we kiss for hours like we did on your birthday, like when you kept-“

“Phil,” Dan blushed, realising what Phil was about to refer to.

“What?” Phil smiled.

“You said you wouldn’t bring that up!”

“Oh right,” Phil said. “But I liked it…you sounded so-“

“Shut up,” Dan smiled.

“I was just going to say in love,” Phil giggled, and Dan felt so overjoyed that Phil was laughing and teasing him like he usually would that he didn’t even care Phil was bringing it up.

“Well I am in love Phil,” Dan blushed.

“Me too…so so in love,” Phil smiled. “Will you kiss me like that again though?”

“Like what?” Dan asked.

“With all those soft moans.”

“Phil!” Dan said, feeling the heat flood to his cheeks. “You promised you wouldn’t tease me about it!”

“I liked it! It made me happy to think I could make you feel that good-“

“Oh my god, stop!” Dan blushed, expecting Phil to laugh and keep teasing him, but his words ended up having the complete opposite effect.

“Oh I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…I didn’t meant to upset you…I…I” Phil stammered, looking on the verge of tears again.

“No! Phil! It’s okay-“

“I’m sorry, really really sorry, please..don’t…don’t break up with me…I’m sorry,” Phil said and then burst into tears. He’d seemed so flirty for a few minutes, but clearly all Phil’s fears had just been waiting for the right moment to strike Phil again.

“I won’t Phil. I wasn’t upset. We were just flirting, you know? Like when I said stop, it’s you know, what I say, then you laugh, and keep saying whatever it was, and then I blush more and you laugh more,” Dan said trying not to cry as he felt like he was explaining their relationship to a stranger.

“Oh…yeah…right…” Phil said slowly. “It doesn’t mean…you don’t like me.”

“It’s the opposite Phil, we do that stuff because we like each other,” Dan explained, his eyes blurring over with tears.

“Oh right,” Phil said slowly, his voice sounding empty. “Wait…so I was meant to…oh no that means I stuffed it up!”

“No you didn’t, it’s okay Phil,” Dan cried.

“But I do like you!”

“I know Phil.”

“I’m just…I got confused” Phil stammered.

“That’s okay.”

“Sorry…I’m just…um…I know it was just flirting…sorry…my minds not good…just keep getting scared.”

“That’s okay Phil.”

“I'm…wait, what’s today?” Phil asked suddenly.

“Thursday.”

“Oh…I have to sit another exam tomorrow,” Phil sighed, and they fell into silence for a while. Although, rather than making Dan feel comfortable like silences with Phil usually did, it made him feel completely on edge, knowing that the silence would probably be broken by Phil’s sobs.

“Oh no…oh no oh no oh no…I’ve…I’ve been stuck,” Phil said suddenly, and Dan could have thrown up in that moment. Somehow, he’d reasoned that after two days, Phil must realise the same thoughts were travelling round his mind, that he was asking most of the same questions and saying most of the same things to Dan. But in reality, Phil had been so captured by these thoughts, the thought that they were recurring for two days hadn’t even occurred to him.

“I’ve…I’ve…oh no…I’ve been stuck,” Phil stammered.

“It’s okay, you’ve done this before, it will get better,” Dan said, praying that it would.

“But…but I can’t be like this in front of you,” Phil said.

“It’s alright.”

“But…I can’t…not in front of you…” Phil stammered.

“Phil you don’t need to be worried about getting stuck in front of me, I’d rather you get stuck in front of me than by yourself,” Dan said, not able to imagine what it must be like in Phil’s head when this happened and he was on his own.

“But…I’m so confused...you didn’t yell at me,” Phil said.

“Uh, was I meant to?” Dan asked. Phil definitely hadn’t said anything about yelling at him to help him…so Dan had no idea why Phil was confused that Dan didn’t yell at him.

“But everyone always yells at me when I get this stuck,” Phil said quietly.

“What!?” Dan said, horrified. Why would people yell at Phil when he was at his worst?

“Oh…forget I said that.”

“Phil-"

“Did I make you mad?” Phil asked, before Dan had a chance to ask about the people who’d yelled at him.

“No, you’d never make me mad.”

“Were you annoyed at me?”

“Course not.”

“So you’re not going to leave me?”

“Never.”

“Oh…but…but you must be…I’ve thinking the same stuff…I must have been saying the same stuff…aren’t you…aren’t you sick of me?”

“No! You have been repeating yourself a bit, but that’s okay, I’m not sick of you, or anything, my only feeling about it all is that I really want to help you Phil,” Dan said and Phil burst into tears again.

“But you must be so sick of me crying,” Phil sobbed.

“Phil you’re the one who always told me crying was okay, that crying when you need to is a good thing,” Dan reminded Phil.

“I’m really sorry,” Phil sniffed, appearing not to have heard Dan. “I…I made you cry so many times…you were so worried about me…I was…”

“Phil it’s okay.”

“I said so many bad things to you,” Phil sobbed.

“What? No, you didn’t.”

“I got so worked up,” Phil cried, glancing around his room, probably taking in all the stuff he’d thrown off his desk in attempt to find his wallet. “I just keep…I get so worried…I'm sorry...”

“Phil please, it’s okay, you don’t need to be sorry. This is something you can’t help.”

“Yes I can! I should have been better for you! I should have tried harder.”

“You did everything you could have.”

“I didn’t….I let it take over me, I didn’t even try to fight back.”

“Yeah because you can’t at the moment.”

“But…but…I’ve been going so well, all this time I’ve known you and now I…I…”

“Phil, I think um…the past few weeks have been extra hard for you…which has probably made it harder for you to fight back. It’s really not your fault.”

“What do you mean...hard for me?” Phil said sounding terrified, and Dan knew that Phil desperately didn’t want Dan to know what he feared; what Dan already knew.

“Well exams, and being reminded of the other Dan,” Dan said quickly.

“Oh right,” Phil said, breathing out a sigh of relief, which immediately made Dan feel guilty. He couldn’t help that he knew, but he felt awful, like he was lying to Phil. He knew that if he told Phil now he’d probably have a complete mental breakdown, but it didn’t make keeping it from him any easier.

“Bear?” Phil asked.

“Yeah? Sorry…just thinking, did you say something?” Dan said quickly.

“No you just seemed sad for a second, I was worried you were…weren’t okay.”

“I am okay,” Dan said.

“I’m sorry I haven’t…I haven’t…I just…I don’t know…well I do know, but it’s hard to explain,” Phil said, looking down.

“You don’t have to explain,” Dan said, guilt gnawing at his stomach, knowing Phil probably thought he was being kind when Dan actually knew without him needing to explain. 

“Eugh what’s wrong with me?” Phil said, burying his face in his hands. “Have I been like this since I got back from my therapist?”

“Not quite…actually I’m not sure,” Dan sighed, maybe Phil's mind had been stuck before Dan had even noticed. “I mean, I’m not in your mind so I don’t know, but it seems to have become worse maybe since Tuesday night? Well, yeah I guess that was just after your therapist,” Dan said, hoping his words wouldn’t upset Phil more.

“I hate my brain,” Phil said, running his hands through his hair in a way that Dan would have found very cute if it weren’t for the distressed look on Phil’s face.

“Do you want to talk about it at all?” Dan asked tentatively.

“No…I mean not yet,” Phil sighed.

“Can I do anything to help?” Dan asked, and Phil burst into tears.

“I love you so much,” Phil sobbed, and Dan realised he was in an impossible situation. He needed to be there for Phil, to support him, to offer him help in anyway he could, but every time he did that Phil would feel so grateful, so in love with Dan, that he’d become even more scared of losing him. How were they ever going to get out of this?

“Phil…Phil I’m here, it’s okay,” Dan said. His words were probably of no solace to Phil, but what on earth could he say to comfort him?

“You’re here,” Phil nodded, seeming to take some comfort in Dan’s words.

“Would it help if I keep reminding you that still here?”

“You’re so perfect,” Phil said, reaching a hand towards the screen, lip suddenly trembling again.

“And I’m all yours forever,” Dan blushed as the words tumbled out before he’d even realised he thought them.

“All mine forever,” Phil said slowly, then smiled. “That’s such a nice thing to say.”

“If you find it comforting and I can say it more often,” Dan said. He wasn’t exactly sure why he’d even said it, he always felt weird saying those kind of things, but if it helped Phil, he’d never stop saying it.

“Um…um…but won’t you find that too cheesy or something?”

“A little, but if it helps you I’ll say it all the time,” Dan said.

“Oh then…um…I wouldn’t mind hearing you say that some more,” Phil said quietly.

“I’m all yours forever Phil.”

“I like the way that sounds,” Phil said, suddenly sitting up straight in his seat, his smile reaching his eyes for the first time in days. So Dan kept saying it, slipping it into the conversation whenever Phil seemed to get scared or retreat back into his mind.

Dan expected it would be temporary though, that he would only be able to say it a certain amount of times before Phil’s brain became used to it, found away to twist it into something that Phil was scared of as well. However, to Dan’s surprise, his words seemed to work in reverse, having more power every time he uttered them. Hours passed, and Phil seemed much less distracted, breaking into tears far less often, smiling wider and laughing too. He was almost back to his normal self, or at least he seemed that way, inside his mind could be another story. 

“It’s getting late, do you need to sleep?” Dan said, realising it was already 10pm, and Phil was probably exhausted from being so emotional all day. 

“Nah, my exam isn’t until the afternoon” Phil yawned. Had Phil even slept at all over the past few days? He had no idea what happened to his sleep when he struggled like he had been.

“But um…I’m not sure if you’ve slept much over the past few days, it might be a good idea to get a good night’s sleep.”

“Aww you’re so sweet,” Phil smiled, looking at Dan with fond eyes, but then in an instant that changed, eyes turning fearful, lip quivering as his mind probably repeating those things he didn’t want to hear.

“And yours forever,” Dan told him, and Dan watched in amazement as his words brought a smile back to Phil’s face, as they had so many other times that evening.

“I like it when you say that Bear,” Phil smiled, “but um…do remember you are your own person.”

“Well I just mean I’m your boyfriend forever,” Dan said, but then remembered Phil being upset that they might never be more than boyfriends. “Or um…you know if we,” Dan blushed not able to bring himself to say _get married_ “Well, I’m your significant other forever.”

“Significant other?” Phil giggled. “How come you can say forever so easily but freak out at just the word marriage?”

“Er…fair point,” Dan blushed. “I don’t know….I mean marriage is just too…I mean aside from the fact we actually can’t, it just seems like a really big deal.”

“Forever isn’t a big deal?”

“Not with you,” Dan blushed. “I mean…with marriage it just feels like there would be something different about our relationship, there are so many connotations and expectations…but forever just means we keep going on like this, as we are and as we want to you know? Just us being us together, but forever.”

“Oh…wow…I didn’t think of it like that,” Phil said, tilting his head to the side, as if to get a better look at Dan. “Well…I’m still gonna tease you about marriage.”

“Of course you are,” Dan sighed.

“But I like your idea of forever…can that be mine too?”

“Well it can be ours,” Dan smiled.

“Can you say that thing about forever again?” Phil asked quietly.

“Er, I can’t exactly remember what I said.”

“No the _I’m yours forever Phil_ thing,” Phil said, eyes downcast, a slight blush rising to his cheeks.

“You really like it that much?” Dan smiled.

“Yeah…um…it just really settles the knots in my mind,” Phil said quietly, and Dan suddenly felt a burst of euphoria, knowing he finally had something he could say to help Phil through his struggles.

“Well I’ll settle those knots forever you know…since I’m yours forever Phil”

“Thanks Bear…I’m yours forever too.”


	43. Chapter 43

Although it was well past midnight, and Dan could feel his eyelids drooping, he was completely terrified to even mention ending the Skype call to Phil. Even though he seemed a lot better, he was still looking at Dan like he was this rare illusion that could disappear any moment, and Dan really didn’t know how he’d cope without him connected. The number of times Phil had asked him if he was still there made Dan worried; what would his brain tell him when Dan actually wasn’t there? It was enough to make Dan feel nauseas, and his heart race all over again, and more than enough to suggest they stay on Skype all night without hanging up at all.

“Oh Bear, that’s very kind of you, but I’ll be fine,” Phil said, although Dan really wasn’t convinced.

“Are you sure?”

“Um..yeah, I’ll be fine,” Phil said with a hallow voice, and Dan could tell Phil was trying so hard not to worry Dan. “Um…I should let you sleep…can you call your Dad in, so you won't be alone?"  
  
"Phil, it's no trouble to stay on Skype," Dan assured him. 

"I know...I think I just might need a bit of time to um...work through some stuff," Phil said, looking down.

"Oh of course,” Dan said, although his heart was aching knowing that working through some stuff was probably going to involve a lot of tears. “If you need me just call me."   
  
"Thanks Bear...I really really love you," Phil said, his lip trembling again.

"I love you too Phil, and I'm yours forever, remember?"  
  
"Mine forever, got it," Phil smiled. "And I'm yours forever too...well goodnight."

"Goodn-" Dan began to say but Phil had already ended the Skype call, and suddenly Dan was even more worried about Phil than before. 

"Dad?" Dan called out.

"Everything okay with Phil?" his Dad asked, as he sat back down in the armchair.

"Er yeah mostly," Dan sighed, glancing down at his hand, and suddenly coming up with the best idea. "Um...do you think I could ask you for a favour?"

"Depends on what it is," he replied.

"Um..well..." Dan began, but then he became worried, how was his Dad going to react to this? "I kind of...I'm hoping for...it's um-“

“Dan you don't have to be scared of asking me, the worst I'm going to say is no."

"Oh...right...well, um it's sort of for Phil."  
  
"A promise ring for him?"  
  
"How could you know that?!" Dan exclaimed. 

“Ever since Phil got you that one I figured it was only a matter of time before you asked to get one for him.”

“Oh…um right,” Dan blushed.

“Yeah, well I'm happy to but, just…just be careful what you promise Dan," his Dad sighed. "I know you and Phil are very close, just don’t feel obligated to promise him too much okay?”

“The ring is just something that will help him," Dan said, fully intending on promising Phil he was his forever, so if Dan wasn't around he could look at the ring and would feel less scared of losing him. 

"Okay Dan...I'm not sure I understand but I'll get it for you-"  
  
"Thankyou thankyou thankyou-"  
  
"As a loan, which you will pay back to me okay?"  
  
"Of course, I'll get a job as soon as I can."

"Well that won't be for a while, and we'll figure that part out later, alright?"

"Okay, thanks Dad."  
  
"No problem, but going back to Phil, he's still staying here for summer right?" his Dad checked.

"Yeah, he is...thanks Dad, like...at the hospital, you must have offered for him to stay...and um thanks," Dan mumbled, knowing it would have been impossible for Phil to cope with what had happened if his Dad hadn't let him stay. 

“Well it would have been a bit cruel to separate the two of you after he came all this way, especially since he was,” his Dad stopped suddenly.

“He was what?”

“Well he was just upset to see you hurt."

“Yeah…I know,” Dan sighed.

“Hey, it’s not your fault," his Dad said gently.

“But I think this had a lot bigger impact on him than I realised,” Dan said so quietly he wasn’t even sure if his Dad heard him. “Did he say much at the hospital? Like, while I spent all that time sleeping?"

“Well naturally he was worried about you."

“Did he cry?”

“Yeah," he said slowly.

"Like, a lot?"  
  
"Well um, to be honest Dan, the only time he wasn't crying was when he was talking to you."

"Oh," Dan said, trying not to cry himself.

"Don't worry, it was just a bit of a shock, he's okay now," his Dad said, but Dan honestly felt like Phil really wasn’t okay.  "You should get some rest. I’ll get you that ring on Saturday, after Phil’s back so he can be here if you need anything. Then you can give it to him Saturday night, how’s that sound?”

“Oh…right..um sounds good, thanks,” Dan said, having completely forgotten about the ring in light of hearing about how upset Phil had been at the hospital. He hoped the ring could help him somehow, but perhaps Dan could do more...

"Dad…um, could I ask you to do a few more things for me?"

* * *

 

When Dan woke the following morning, he was surprised to see his Dad wasn’t sitting on the armchair like he usually was. Where was he? Dan was beginning to feel a little panicked, how could his Dad have just left him here by himself? What if he needed something?  _He’s probably just in the bathroom,_ Dan reminded himself, but he still felt his chest tightening to realise he was completely alone...

“Hi,” A voice said from his laptop.

"Oh my god!” Dan exclaimed, eyes finding his laptop open on the coffee table with Phil’s face on the screen.

“Sorry!” Phil smiled.

“How long have you been there?”

“Not too long,” Phil smiled.

“You should have woken me!” Dan said, but Phil just continued to smile fondly at him. “How did you even-“

“I text and asked your Dad if I could sit on Skype while you slept-”

“You seriously asked my Dad if you could watch me sleep? And he let you?”

“Yeah. Well, he definitely thinks I’m crazy but he took the call anyway,” Phil shrugged.

"Phil, you’ve been on Skype to me for four hours!” Dan exclaimed, suddenly noticing the call time.

“Er yeah,” Phil blushed.

“Oh Phil,” Dan said, realising they’d been connected on Skype since 4am. “Phil are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?” Phil asked, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 

“Uh…well did you get any sleep?”

“Yeah, but um…I.. woke up and,” Phil’s voice kept getting higher until he burst into tears.

“It’s okay Phil,” Dan said quickly. Shit, was Phil having nightmares about…about losing Dan? Or had he just woken up and freaked out that Dan wasn’t around? “I’m not sure what happened in the night for you Phil, but whatever it was…it wasn’t real okay?”

“Thanks Bear,” Phil said quietly.

"I’m sorry Phil, I shouldn't have...we should have stayed on Skype last night," Dan said, feeling like a terrible boyfriend all over again. How could he have just let Phil hang up? He should have called Phil back, insisted they stay on Skype all night.

"Why do you say that?" Phil asked.

"Oh no reason," Dan said quickly, still not wanting Phil to know that he knew he was afraid of losing Dan. "I mean you're not at your best...and it seems to help you to see me and um...yeah," Dan sighed, guilt growing in his stomach knowing he was purposely hiding something from Phil. He knew it was for the best, that Phil would understand, but he still felt completely awful about it. 

"Oh yeah right...um...right," Phil sighed. "I'm sorry for all this Bear, I really am....I know you're probably worried about me, seeing me like this...I hate that I'm making your recovery harder....and you're probably so confused...could I try to explain something to you?"  
  
"If you want to," Dan said...was Phil going to tell Dan what he was scared of?  
  
“I don't really want to go into details yet," Phil said, and Dan had to admit he felt relieved. "When I was talking to my psychologist the other day, we were talking about like... you know when like something small happens and you get really upset about that thing, but you’re not actually upset about that thing, you're really upset about a bigger thing?"

“Um yeah, I think so," Dan said. It was the exact conclusion he'd come to about why Phil had been so upset the past few weeks; why he'd never seemed so affected by the stuff that happened years ago until just now. 

"Like I remember one time I was already really stressed about exams, and then I couldn't find my favourite pen and I was like oh no now I can't study and now I'm going to fail all my exams and then I literally spent two hours crying over it...but like, I wasn't actually crying about the pen, I was just thinking about how much work I had to do and how I wouldn’t ever be able to get it all done, but when my Mum came in and asked me what was wrong I just told her that I couldn’t find my pen, even though I wasn’t really crying about the pen at all. Like, I could have used any pen to study...I was just upset because I was already stressed about studying.  Do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah definitely” Dan said.

“Yeah well um, I think that’s sort of what’s happening for me at the moment. It’s really hard to explain…like with all the Dan, other Dan stuff, and that stupid video, sure I'm upset about those, but I'm really just all over the place because of something else,” Phil said, avoiding looking at Dan completely. “I know that doesn’t really make sense,” Phil sighed. “I mean…I am upset about those things, but everything is feeding back into this something else and…sorry…this all makes sense to me because I know the whole thing…but to you I probably sound like I’m speaking gibberish again, don’t I?”

“Nah, I think I get it,” Dan said, although he knew that he completely got it. He felt so bad Phil thought he didn’t know, that Phil didn’t want him to know yet but he knew anyway. Surely Phil would forgive him for a few days of misleading him? He hoped so...

“Bear, another thing I was thinking about is..um, how you would feel if I wrote you a letter? Like sort of about like my past…and like all the things I’ve been upset about lately.”

“Wait is it going to literally about everything? Like the other Dan, and the video thing and like...everything?”

“It would be about a lot of things…it would be quite long, I just don't want to be hiding stuff from you-"

"Phil that's lovely of you, but I just really want you to focus on...just getting through this tough time with your mental health."

“Aww, thankyou,” Phil smiled. "Don’t worry I am focussed on getting better, this letter is actually part of that. It's something I talked about at therapy the other day.”

“Oh wow! Well yeah if you want me to read a letter, of course Phil, but like...that sounds like it might be really hard...are you sure?"

“Well my psychologist is going to help me start writing it, but I’m not sure if I'll actually be able to," Phil sighed. "Writing about the whole experience about stuff with the other Dan...and how my mental health deteriorated afterwards...well it's something he's been asking me to do for years, but I've never been motivated to actually write it. Even though he's always said it will help, it's always just seemed so scary to purposely think about all that stuff...like I'd be reliving it all. It still seems scary now, but now I'm really motivated because I want to write it for you, so you can understand everything." 

“But still, don't feel pressured to get it done by any time or anything. I'd love to understand more of course, and if it is going to help then that's incredible, but there's no rush."

“I think I'd like to do it soon. Well, I might write it in parts rather than one long letter, and there's one part of the story...I might just have to keep to myself...for your sake...I'm not sure yet, I haven't quite worked out how I'll do it,” Phil sighed.

"You don’t have to figure it out today, we can talk about once you’re back here.”  
  
“Uh yeah…um Bear?”   
  
“Yeah?"

"I feel really nervous about the journey back for some reason," Phil said, and Dan knew exactly what the reason was...the last time Phil had taken that journey to see Dan...well, he hadn't been sure he would even see him when he arrived.

"Would you like to talk to me the whole time?"  
  
"Could I?"  
  
"Yeah! Of course, as long as you don't mind talking in front of the other train passengers."  
  
"Oh! Um I think this time, that anxiety would be better than...anyway, thanks, I'd like to talk to you the whole time, then we'll be together" Phil said quickly, putting on a very false smile, trying so hard to hide what he was scared about from Dan. 

"We will be Phil," Dan assured him. "And then um...well I guess I was wondering," Dan blushed, realising it was a good opportunity to ask Phil about what he'd been planning. "Um...I um, was wondering," Dan said again, feeling his cheeks burning.

"What?" Phil smiled. "You don't need to be nervous around me, it's just me Bear."  
  
"I know, that's why I'm nervous!" Dan said. "Um...I guess I wanted to take you, well not actually take becuase we'd just be here...but like could I um...what's the word," Dan felt himself getting tongue tied. He'd never actually asked Phil on a date before...he hadn't realised he'd get so nervous. "Um like you and me and like um...a date?

"A date?" Phil beamed, suddenly bolting upright.

"Um yeah...I thought maybe it would be nice, um just a distraction from everything… like tomorrow night, when you're back...um we could do it then, I've sort of had a couple ideas" Dan blushed.

"Oh Bear...oh I feel so excited suddenly!" Phil laughed. 

"Me too Phil," Dan said, feeling the happiest he'd felt all week. 

"What are we doing?"  
  
"Well this time it's my turn to surprise you!"  
  
"Oooh I can't wait!" Phil said. Dan wasn't sure if it was the reassurance he could talk to Dan the whole train journey, or the prospect of their date the following night, but Phil suddenly seemed the happiest he'd seen him in days, back to his bright and bubbly self. Which was a huge relief, as Dan had been terrified how he was going to make it to his exam that afternoon, for a two hour block where he wouldn’t be able to call Dan if he became scared. But fortunately Phil said goodbye quite easily (well, he still looked a little teary, but that was probably as good as it was going to get) and seemed to manage the time without Dan okay. A couple hours later his Skype call came through, and although he seemed very relieved that Dan answered, he didn’t seem too upset, and after talking for a while he was smiling and laughing like always.

"I'm still so surprised it was so easy...like all of my exams. I expected them to be so much harder," Phil said, as they were eating dinner (well, Dan's Dad was feeding him his dinner.)

"Yeah because you're so smart," Dan said, remembering how Phil had blushed over Dan calling him smart a few days earlier. 

“Nah,” Phil blushed.

“So so smart,” Dan teased.

“I’ll leave you lovebirds to your flirting,” his Dad sighed, looking from Dan to Phil, and putting Dan's unfinished dinner on the coffee table and leaving the room.

“Don't say anything," Dan blushed, incredibly embarrassed.

“Well, that’s what you get for trying to make me blush!”

“It’s not fair! You literally make me blush eighty times a day.” 

“It’s not my fault you blush so much!” 

“It literally is though.”

“Literally,” Phil mimicked.

“Stop it!” 

“Aww you’re so cute like this,” 

“You’re so annoying like this!”

“You’re only annoyed coz you can’t kiss me right now.’ 

“I guess I can’t argue with that,” Dan sighed, "but tomorrow we can!"

"I know," Phil smiled, but then a worried look crossed his face again.

"The journey will be okay Phil, I'll be talking to you the whole time."

"Thanks...thanks Dan," Phil said, causing Dan to blush again at the use at his actual name. 

"Then you can see this in person again," Dan sighed feeling his cheeks grow warm.

"I hope so…shit I mean…I mean of course, yep…when I get back.”  
  
"Phil this isn't...like last time," Dan said, knowing how daunting it must be to take that same journey from his university house to the train station after what happened the last time.

"You know, don't you?" Phil said slowly.

"Know what?" Dan said nervously. He'd only been trying to reassure Phil...but now he probably knew that Dan knew. Why had he said that?

"That this train journey is reminding me of the last time I came to visit you...except you were in hospital that time.”  
  
"Um yeah...I guess I realised it probably would," Dan said, hoping that was all Phil was going to say. What could he even say if Phil brought up the other thing? How was he meant to reassure Phil that he wasn't going anywhere...when at times Dan got scared that he was?

"But I think you know the other thing too," Phil said, his voice becoming very quiet and shaky.

"Um...what other thing?" Dan said, just in case there was something else.

"The thing I'm scared of...about…about…you" Phil said, tears streaking down his face.

“I’m so sorry-“ Dan began to say, knowing that he couldn’t lie to Phil about it now.

"How long have you known? Did you know the whole time? Or just when I was talking about it today?" Phil sniffed.  
  
"Well um, actually since yesterday Phil, I’m so sorry...when you were so upset…I just sort of realised, and I was going to tell you or say something, but then you weren't the best and I thought if I mentioned it, it would be harder for you…I thought it would just be better to talk about it when you were back, but I’m sorry-“

“Bear it's okay,” Phil sniffed. “I don’t mind that you know…I’ve thought you’ve known so many times...I'm so sorry-"  
  
"Phil don't be, I can't even imagine-"  
  
"Bear I love you to pieces, but this is something I really can't talk about, or hear you talk about," Phil sobbed, and grabbed some tissues. "Maybe let's just...could you...this is just too hard...I can't...um, just for now, let's not talk about it, okay...I will....sometime...in...in the letter, okay?"

"Oh of course, I’m sorry...that it came up, but I won’t mention it again," Dan said, heart racing in his chest. "You don't even ever have to talk about it at all..." Dan said trying not to cry himself. "Um...do...do you still want me to say the yours forever thing?"

"Oh, I'd actually really love it...if you're happy to...to keep saying that," Phil said with a half smile.

"Okay, awesome. I'm yours forever, and I'll forever not say anything about this unless you say it in your letter, okay?"

“Oh Bear...thankyou...thankyou so much...you're really....I can't talk about this Bear...but I really am so so sorry if this has...I'm sorry I can't even say it or I'm going to throw up...I just can't...I'm sorry."

"Well you don't need to be, but apology accepted if that helps," Dan said, and Phil cried for a little while, and Dan found himself saying nothing, feeling like saying any kind of reassurance would just make Phil cry more. He wasn't as hysterical as he'd been the day before, which surprised Dan, but perhaps his mind was just in a much better place today with it. It was hard to know, but he definitely wasn't going to ask. 

"Phil let me know um...if I should say anything or do anything," Dan sighed, once again feeling so useless in helping Phil. 

"Sometimes I wonder why you're so nice to me," Phil sighed.

“Well it's probably got nothing to do with the fact I'm completely in love with you,” Dan said, and to Dan's complete surprise and delight Phil let out a small laugh.

"I guess not," Phil said, smiling again suddenly.

"Phil I love you, and I'll do anything you need me to.”  
  
"Okay, you know I'd do anything for you as well, right?"  
  
"Anything? Like kissing all day tomorrow?" Dan suggested.  
  
"Oh..."

"We don't have to, it was just a joke Phil, sorry I was trying to lighten the mood...I'm sorry-."  
  
"No, I was hoping you'd kiss me all  _week,"_  Phil smirked.

"All week? I don't know Phil...how about all summer instead?" Dan smiled, relieved Phil was up to flirting again. 

“Summer's too short."  
  
"Well good thing I'm yours forever then," Dan smiled.

"Aww, I love you Bear."

"I know you do."

"And I know you love me too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry chapters became so infrequent over the past few weeks, but I've sorted out some life things, and this week I'm going to write chapters every two days again. Yay! :D I'm really excited for the next few chapters, see you soon :)


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late :(  
> Anyway enjoy! :D

“Bear!” Phil said the following morning when Dan (well, his Dad on behalf of him) answered Phil’s phone call, in time for his journey back to Reading.

“Hey Phil,” Dan yawned, as his Dad set the phone on speaker and put it beside Dan. 

“Thankyou so much for doing this,” Phil began.

“Course Phil, but just so you know I have you on speaker and my Dad's listening-“

“I told you, I’m reading the paper!” his Dad said, smiling as he opened up his newspaper.

“You could leave,” Dan sighed. How was he meant to go nearly five hours talking to Phil with his Dad listening to every word?

“We’ve been over this Dan, it’s not quite safe for me to leave on your own just yet,” he said.

“You do for Skype!”

“Yeah when Phil can see you, and has his phone ready to call me so I’m there in a second if something happens! This is very different.”

“Don’t worry, I don’t mind,” Phil said.

“I do,” Dan said and Phil laughed.

“Well anyway, how are you feeling today?” Phil asked gently.

“Sleepy,” Dan yawned.

“Sorry Bear,” Phil sighed.

“No, I’m so happy to help-“

“I feel bad it’s so early though! I mean, I only booked this train so I could see you as soon as possible but-"

“But nothing, I can’t wait to see you,” Dan said. “Anyway more importantly how are you feeling Philly?”

“Philly?” Phil giggled.

“Hey it’s early, I’m tired,” Dan said, feeling himself blush even more when he noticed his Dad was smiling into his paper.

“Well Philly is doing just fine.”

“Really?” Dan asked, it suddenly occurring to him how bright and put together Phil sounded. He’d fallen asleep incredibly nervous himself, not sure how Phil would manage travelling the same route he had when...when he’d been terrified Dan wasn’t okay.

“Yeah I actually woke up feeling really like...stable, sorry that probably sounds like a weird way to describe it-“

“Sounds good to me,” Dan said, although he still felt nervous. What if something made him unstable? What if something along the way reminded Phil of his only other trip to Reading, then made his thoughts turn dark?

“Well basically I just feel I can get through this today without any…well it just feels like a good day. Don’t get me wrong, my hearts still going a little crazy just thinking about this,” Phil sighed.  
  
“I’ll be here the whole time,” Dan assured him.

“I know, so I’ll be okay. Well, I’m just leaving the house.”

“You got everything?”

“I hope so! I mean I’ve got 7 seasons of Buffy, my laptop and some underwear, so I think I’ll cope,” Phil laughed.

“You’ve got your wallet and train ticket though?”

“Yep, all good thankyou. Alright I’m just getting in the taxi.”

“Are you feeling okay now you’re outside?” Dan asked tentatively.

“As long as I’m talking to you I’m perfect,” Phil said, and his Dad let out a very hasty cough.

“Don’t,” Dan whispered to his Dad, only to be met with a smirk.

“What?” Phil said.

“Nothing just my Dad,” Dan sighed.

“Oh right,” Phil laughed. “Well, I won’t give you too many compliments then,” Phil said cheekily.

“Please Phil-“ Dan said, feeling himself already blushing at the thought of his Dad listening to the kinds of compliments Phil liked to give.

“I won’t, there’s no point if I can’t even see your blush,” Phil said and his Dad burst out laughing.

“So much for reading the paper,” Dan mumbled, cheeks burning.

“You still there?” Phil asked, worry suddenly filling his voice.

“Yeah, sorry, of course,” Dan said quickly. “I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be on this phone until I can see you in person.”

“Thanks,” Phil said, his voice even quieter now.

“You okay?”

“Yeah just don’t want to talk too loud with the driver and all. Anyway, I need to tell you about this dream I had.”

“Of course you do,” Dan smiled. Phil’s dreams were always so vivid Dan was never quite sure what parts were real and what parts he elaborated on, but they were entertaining and Phil seemed to enjoy himself, so he didn’t really mind.

“Um…we just arrived at the train station,” Phil said a while later, his voice shaky.

“It’s okay Phil, I’m here."  
  
“I know…um, let me just pay hang on,” Phil said, and a minute later, Phil was heading into the station, describing all his surroundings vividly to Dan. Dan couldn’t believe how bright Phil’s voice sounded. He’d been terrified of Phil collapsing into tears, but somehow Phil seemed to be coping just fine. Aside from an occasional shake in his voice, Dan wouldn’t have even been able to tell he was nervous at all. Although Dan still couldn’t help his own nerves, feeling like it was inevitable something would happen, that Phil would sink back into that unreachable place. And if that happened, would Dan’s voice be enough to help him?

“Okay I’m seated, and in the right seat too,” Phil said.

“Phil! You did it!” Dan said. 

“I guess I did,” Phil said, and Dan could hear the smile in his voice. “Yes! Some kids just boarded and they’re being so noisy this is amazing!”

“Er…is it?”

“Yes, because they’ll be noisier than me, so I don’t have to worry about people being annoyed at me for talking to you!”

“Oh, awesome Phil!” Dan said.

“I just hate when it’s silent and you’re the only person talking you know? But this time it’s all good…oh I think we’re leaving,” Phil said, a slight shake back in his voice.

“You okay?”

“I feel weird, it feels like…are you still there?”

“Yep,” Dan said quickly.

“Um…I love you,” Phil said quietly.

“I love you too,” Dan said, and Phil fell silent for a while.

“You okay?

“Yeah just…just thinking,” Phil sighed.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe later,” Phil said, and Dan wished more than ever that his Dad wasn’t listening. A few more moments passed, where Dan could hear only the faint background noise from Phil’s train, before Phil took up a whole new conversation.

“Anyway I was thinking about that movie we watched at your house,” Phil began, and suddenly they were talking like they had no worries in the world, and Dan felt so engrossed in their conversation he forgot his Dad was even listening. Soon enough Dan felt his heart racing, this time not in panic or worry for Phil, but in excitement, thinking how many of these conversations they could have in person, over summer. 

“Are you still there?” Phil asked. 

“Yes! Sorry, I was actually just thinking how great this summer’s going to be."

“It’s weird, obviously I know I’m on my way…but, I haven’t been quite able to get my head around it,” Phil sighed, and suddenly a little pain struck Dan’s heart realising that Phil probably had been scared the summer wouldn’t even happen…scared Dan might not be around to spend it with him. “I mean, of course I’m looking forward to being there-"

“Phil you only have one more hour on the train!” Dan said, suddenly glancing at the clock. 

“Oh yeah, wow…that went so fast. I’ve spent two hours on this train and now it’s less than that until I can see you and we can finally-“

“See each other again,” Dan said quickly, although he knew both their minds were on something else.

“Yeah…that will be nice too,” Phil giggled.

“Shut up."

“What? I didn’t say anything,” Phil laughed.

“You said more than enough."

“I love you.”

“And I you, but my Dad’s listening."

“Reading the paper,” he mumbled.

“If you weren’t listening you wouldn’t have heard that!” Dan said, and his Dad just gave a sly smile.

“Hey! Can we play I spy?” Phil said suddenly.

“Well even if I didn’t hate I spy, we can’t exactly see the same stuff Phil.”

“No you just say something and I have to find it!”

“What?”

“Just say like, a man wearing a tie and then I have to find one!”

“But there might not even be a man wearing a tie anywhere near you.”

“Well there is and he’s looking at me weirdly.”

“Maybe stop looking at him then!”

“Oh yeah,” Phil laughed. “Anyway just give me something to look for."

“This is silly,” Dan sighed.

“Just say something!”

“Yeah but for all I know you’re making everything up!”

“Pleeeaaasee,” Phil begged.

“Fine. Something blue."

“Everything’s blue. Give me more of a challenge.”

“I don’t know, someone blonde?"

“That whole family is blonde,” Phil whispered. “Another one.”

“I don’t know, someone writing in a notepad?” 

“Ooh, that’s more like it. Hmm let me-“ Phil suddenly let out a loud whimper. “No no no no no,"

“Fuck what’s happened?” Dan said, heart pounding, nausea filling his body as he registered the distress in Phil's voice. 

“I…I need to get off this train,” Phil whispered.

“Are you safe?” Dan checked, trying to keep his own panic out of his voice. What was going on?

“Yeah….but it’s…I think it might be…oh shit,” Phil said and suddenly the phone call ended.

“Do something!” Dan said to his Dad.

“It might just be bad service."

“It’s not fucking service!”

“Oh he just texted."

“Saying!?”

“So sorry false alarm call you in a sec I’m fine."

“Oh...Okay,” Dan said. Although he was relieved Phil was fine, he couldn't remove the incredibly sick feeling that had settled in his stomach. Even if it was just a false alarm, what had Phil freaked out over? And now that he had….how was he going to make it through the rest of the journey to Dan’s house? What if awful thoughts began to overtake his mind again while he was in public? Dan had no idea how Phil coped with it, or what happened when he wasn’t home, but fortunately Phil rang back before Dan had any more time to dwell on it.

“Sorry,” Phil said, “I’m so sorry, it wasn't him. I saw this guy who...who looked like him, then he turned around and I hung up because I panicked it was him," Phil cried.  _Him?_ In Dan’s mind there was only one person who that could be. Just the thought of him, the Other Dan, was enough to make Dan start shaking, his body filling with terror. How was Phil going to manage? Even though it wasn’t actually the other Dan, simply the reminder of him might be enough to turn Phil’s mind against itself.

“The most important thing is, are you okay?” Dan asked, trying to keep his own voice steady. 

“I....I...don’t know,” Phil said. Dan begun to hear him sob, and Dan was trying so hard not to make his tears audible too. Phil just sounded so scared, it made Dan’s heart ache. 

“Okay, um, well it was a false alarm,” Dan said, trying to sound as reassuring as he could despite the tears falling down his face. “You’re completely safe and you’re not going to have to see him today or any day,” Dan said, but he  wasn’t sure his words had any effect, as Phil just continued to sob into the phone.

“Should I do anything?” Dan’s Dad whispered, concern etched through his face, all pretense of reading the paper swept to the side.

“No,” Dan mouthed.

“It’s okay Phil, are you still in your seat?” Dan asked, wondering how Phil would cope with the anxiety of the other passengers seeing him cry.

“Bathroom,” Phil said.

“That’s great, that means we can take all the time you need to feel a better."

“I’m… so…. sorry,” Phil sobbed.

“No! Don’t be-“

“Oh are, are you mad?”

“No! Definitely not, but Phil..um, you sound really out of breath," Dan said, suddenly noticing how he could hear Phil breathing rapidly into the phone.

“Do…I?” Phil puffed.

“Maybe we could do some breathing together?” Dan said, feeling a strange to know this time it was going to be him talking Phil through a panic attack, rather than the other way around. He’d heard Phil say these words so many times, the things Phil always said were practically engraved in his mind, but now it was his turn to say them to Phil.

“I…I…” Phil choked.

“It’s okay Phil, just breathe in...now breathe out...Listen to my voice...breathe in...breathe out.... big deep breaths you know you can do this, you’ve done this loads of times before, you just breathe in and out, and in and out, and in and out, you’re doing great just breathe in...and out,” Dan said. 

“Hey you sound like you’re passed the worst of it,” Dan said, no longer able to hear Phil’s rapid breathing through the phone.

“Thankyou, thankyou...I’m fine...just a little shocked…I can’t believe I just-”

“It’s okay, you got through it I know they can be terrifying but it’s over now," Dan said, still feeling incredibly strange to be the one saying these kind of things to Phil, when it was always Phil saying them to him. 

“But...I don't know why it happened," Phil said. 

“It’s okay, you were obviously freaked out, it’s just your body's natural response to tell you to get out of a scary situation,” Dan said remembering what his therapist had said earlier in the week.

“I know I just…I haven't had one in years...I thought I was better...”

“I think you still are Phil. Panic attacks can happen to anyone doesn’t mean you’re back to, uh, suffering all the time. It could just be a one time thing due being really scared."

“Yeah....you’re probably right," Phil sighed. 

“Phil um, how are your thoughts?” Dan asked. Dan had no idea how panic attacks and Phil’s thoughts interacted, but he was terrified of Phil getting stuck in awful thoughts while they were apart. Phil seemed so unreachable in his bedroom over Skype, how could Dan get anything through to him over the phone when he was in the bathroom on a train?

“It's okay, I'm not stuck, I’m just…just anxious."

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Um...Bear?"

“Yeah?"

“You love me right?”

“Of course I do,” Dan said, although now he was worried what was going on in Phil’s mind again. _Please don’t let it happen, not now._

“I love you,” Phil said.

“I know.”

“And you love me,” Phil said, and Dan was glad to hear it as a statement rather than a question.

“I do.”

“And you’d never-“

“I’d never do anything to hurt you or lie to you or trick you or force you to do anything I promise Phil," Dan said, knowing the other Dan was probably weighing heavily on Phil's thoughts. 

“I love you,” Phil said, and Dan was now able to hear him sobbing again “I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t be…”

“I thought it was him…the other Dan.”

“I…yeah I guessed, but it’s okay, it wasn’t him,” Dan said. “But look how well you did anyway! If it was me I’d be passed out on the floor right now.”

“Aww, don’t say that, and you panicking isn’t your fault,” Phil said.

“And this isn’t your fault either.”

“I know…I just…I don’t know…I felt so scared,” Phil admitted very quietly.

“Yeah of course you did…but we know it wasn’t him, that’s the main thing,” Dan said. Fucking hell…if Phil had run into the other Dan  _don’t think about that don’t think about that._

“It was just, the guy had like, the exact hair and head shape, and he was drawing in a notepad like he always used to do…sorry I just freaked,” Phil sighed.

“That’s nothing to be sorry for!”  
  
“But…oh Bear I used to…I used to do this all the time…even when I’d know there was no way it could be….after it happened I used to think other people were him all the time…I’m really sorry-"  
  
“No apologizing today Phil, it’s completely okay.”

“I’m just so so sorry for worrying you.”

“Nah don’t be, you text to say you were fine!”

“I’m still sorry…”

“Phil I’ve got great news,” Dan said, knowing Phil was just going to be apologizing endlessly unless he changed the topic.

“What?”

“Your train gets in really really soon! It's probably only half an hour until I see you!”

“But I’m so gross and sweaty from this,” Phil sighed.

“Great!”

“Great?”

“Then I don’t finally have to feel bad about how gross and sweaty I always look.”

“Oh Bear, you always look beautiful,” Phil said.

“Phil!" Dan blushed. "My Dad’s still listening!”

“I’m sure he’d agree,” Phil giggled.

“Oh yeah, so beautiful,” his Dad chuckled.

“Shut up!” Dan said, but he couldn't help smiling at the sound of Phil's laughter.

“Sorry Bear,” Phil said, a smile evident in his voice.

“Well you should be, but I’ll forgive you since-”

“You're completely in love with me,” Phil teased.

“Fine no forgiveness for you then,” Dan said and Phil just kept laughing.

“Well I’m still really sorry about earlier,” Phil said after he finally stopped laughing.

“Phil, you can’t be sorry for this.”

“Oh…okay thanks Bear…but um…everything still feels a little scary,” Phil said.

“Well you know what’s not scary?”

“You,”

“Yeah I’m about as scary as a butterfly, but I was going to say our date tonight!” Dan said, hoping he could distract Phil as much as possible, stop him from thinking about the other Dan, until they were together again.  If he had to flirt with Phil in front of his Dad he didn’t even care, anything to keep Phil’s mind from reaching any of those dark places.

"Oh yeah!"

“ I’ve got some stuff planned, I think you’ll enjoy it Phil."

“We’re going on a date!” Phil said, seeming to still be remembering.

“Yeah and I thought this time, not to give it away or anything, but I was thinking like we could make it kind of fancy."

“Ooh!”

“Like going out to a nice restaurant kind of feeling except for us it's without the restaurant part."

“Oh wow!”

“Yeah like we could put on nice clothes, I mean I can’t exactly wear a jacket but I’ll put on a clean white shirt and a tie.”

“Do I wear my suit?”

“You’re bringing a suit!?”

“Well I figured I might need it sooner or later for a date.”

“Oh my god,” Dan said, blushing to imagine Phil in a suit.

“But I didn’t bring a proper tie.”

“You can borrow one of mine.”

“I don’t know how to tie a tie though.”

“You don’t?”

“Well in theory, but I can never get it to work!”

“But didn’t you have one for school?”

“My Dad always did it for me,” Phil admitted.

“The whole way through?”

“Well for the last couple years we didn’t have to wear uniform, but um…up until then I never quite got the hang of it.”

“Well Phil one day, when I get the use of my limbs back, I will tie all your ties for you,” Dan said and Phil laughed.

“And maybe I’ll teach you too,” Dan added.

“I like the idea of you tying them better,” Phil said happily. “But tonight can I wear my bow tie instead?”

“You have a bow tie?”

“Uh yeah."

“Sign me up,” Dan said, and then blushed to remember his Dad was likely still listening to every word.

“So are we having like a fancy meal too?”

“You’ll have to wait and see!”

“We are, aren’t we?” Phil giggled. “Is there gonna be dessert too?”

“If you behave.”

“Okay,” Phil giggled.

“Shit Phil, I can’t believe you’re going to be wearing a suit,” Dan mumbled.

“Well I’m excited to see how much you blush when I’m wearing it."

“No!”

“Yes!” Phil said gleefully. 

“No dessert for you then.”

“You’ll cave when you see me, anyway what are we doing after dinner?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Dinner and a movie?”

“Don’t guess!”

“Time on the couch like on your birthday when we-"

“My Dad is still listening!”

“Oh yeah sorry,” Phil giggled.

“Anyway you’ll find out tonight."

“I can’t wait,” Phil said. “And Bear…we’re pulling into the station!”  
  
“Yes! Phil one taxi ride for you then we’re together!”

“Oh wow, then we can go on our date!”  
  
“Yeah, and then we’ve got all of summer together Phil!” Dan said, heart racing at the thought of the rest of summer with Phil by his side.

“All of summer oh my god…I just realised something,” Phil said.

“What?”  
  
“We’re literally spending the whole summer together!”

“I know,” Dan smiled.

"It just kind of hit me, Bear, oh my gosh, I mean, I knew I was coming but, it actually feels real now."

“It’s real Phil,” Dan said, trying very hard not to think about the reasons Phil might not have believed it was real.

“We’re gonna be together in person…for all of summer…we’re gonna watch Buffy together and all our favourite movies and talk all day and night and I can sleep on the couch next to you and we can kiss as much as we like!”

“I know,” Dan said, suddenly finding tears of happiness filling his eyes, “it’s going to be the most fun I’ve ever had.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, sorry for that last line, I couldn't resist


	45. Chapter 45

As Phil travelled off his train towards a taxi, Dan could feel his heart racing faster and faster, knowing with each beat they were getting closer to being together again. He would finally be able to see him up close, he could finally hold his hand again, and best of all he would finally _finally_  be able kiss him again. 

“Bear! I’m so close now! We’re about to see each other Bear!” Phil exclaimed.

“I know,” Dan said, feeling tears begin to leak out of his eyes. _He’s nearly here he’s nearly here._

“Now, both of you,” his Dad said suddenly. “Once Phil’s back I’m going to head to the shops,” he paused to wink at Dan, and Dan realised he must be picking up the promise ring for Phil. “But while I’m gone usual rules apply, okay?”

“Rules?” Dan asked. 

“I think he just means for me to call him if anything happens with you,” Phil said. 

“I won’t be far, but I’m sure you two won’t even notice I’m gone.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of Dan,” Phil said, and Dan blushed.

“I should be back in time for your next round of medication,” his Dad said, “but Phil, in case I’m not, his medication schedule’s on the counter, he’ll probably fall asleep, so wake him if-“

“Jeez you’re making me sound like a sick dog or something,” Dan said and Phil laughed.

“Bear Bear Bear Bear Bear,” Phil said suddenly.

“What?” Dan asked, smiling at the excitement in Phil’s voice.

“I’m in your street! Bear…I’m nearly…Bear, we just stopped…I’m outside your house!”

“Phil!” Dan exclaimed, not able to think of any words to capture the excitement coursing through his body, knowing that in no time at all, Phil would finally be right beside him.

“I’m out of the taxi, I’m walking up to your door,” Phil said, followed by a knock on the door.

“You did well without him Dan, but I’m glad he’s back,” his Dad said, standing up and slowly walking out of the room.

“Hurry up, he's waiting!"

“I can still hear you,” Phil laughed on the phone.

“Oh right! You should hang up."

“Okay,” Phil said, ending the call as his Dad opened the door.

“Hi! Thanks for having me back,” Phil said, his voice so much softer and gentler in real life. 

“Well come in, I’ll take your stuff to Dan’s room.”

“Oh thanks!”

“Now go see him.”

Dan could practically hear his heart beating as Phil’s footsteps came down the hallway, knowing it was now only seconds until he could see Phil again…

Then suddenly he could. He could see how tall he was, how much Phil there really was when he wasn’t trapped in a Skype call. He could see how soft and shiny his hair looked, and how delicate his fingers looked as he readjusted his fringe. He could see just how pale his skin was, cheeks tinged pink as tears began to fall down them. He could see his smile widening as he moved closer and closer to Dan, until he was kneeling right where Dan sat, face inches away from his.

“Bear,” Phil smiled, tears cascading down his face. Dan looked into those blue eyes, with their incredible depth and the flecks of green and yellow that he couldn’t see behind the screen, and found tears falling out of his own eyes. His breath, his voice and his thoughts were completely taken away by the sight of his boyfriend finally right next to him again.

“Did you get more beautiful?” Phil whispered.

“I think you did,” Dan said “Phil, I missed you so much.”

“I know,” Phil said, tears still falling. “I feel like there’s been this huge rock on my chest all week.”  
  
“I know…it was like there was this ache I didn’t even realise I had until now when it’s gone,” Dan said, barely able to form a sentence with Phil so close. 

“Is it okay if I kiss you now?” he whispered, blue eyes pouring into Dan’s.

“Yes Phil,” Dan said, closing his eyes, heart racing in anticipation of feeling Phil’s lips on his.

“I love you,” Phil whispered, and then pressed his lips against Dan’s.  Dan heard himself let out a moan as he did, so overwhelmed by how soft and warm Phil’s lips felt, somehow making him feel tingles throughout his entire body. Phil’s kisses were incredibly gentle, as always, he was so careful with Dan, as if kissing him too hard could break him. But those gentle kisses were so tender too, so loving and affectionate, Dan felt like his heart could burst.

“I love you Phil,” Dan said, and suddenly their kisses were wet with a combination of their tears, but Dan kept kissing Phil as they fell, and Phil didn’t seem in any hurry to pull away.

“Every night…I fell asleep…just thinking…of this,” Phil murmured between kisses.

“I’ve missed this…I’ve missed this so much…” Dan whispered, and Phil continued to kiss him, for what could have been minutes or hours or days.

“Is this too much?” Phil asked, slowly pulling away from Dan.

“Well, not for me, but for you?”

“Definitely not,” Phil said. “But maybe we’ll have a break, look at each other for a moment,” Phil smiled, eyes flicking over Dan’s face.

“Sounds good,” Dan smiled, looking from Phil’s lips, to his flushed cheeks and taking in how soft his skin looked, and then he reached Phil’s eyes and suddenly he was thinking about how much he loved Phil and how much he’d missed him, and the emotions built up, and the tears were suddenly spilling out of his eyes again. 

“Can I wipe those tears for you?” Phil asked. 

“Oh yeah,” Dan said, expecting Phil to grab a tissue but instead he placed his thumbs on Dan’s cheeks.

“Your skin is so much softer than when I last touched your face!” Phil said, not moving his hands. “Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

“No,” Dan sighed, he’d been avoiding catching his reflection as much as he could.

“Well you should, all your scratches and cuts are nearly gone!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! I mean, I imagine the one under that bandage is still there, but the rest have healed up so well,” Phil said, finally dropping his fingers from Dan’s cheeks.

“You can keep touching my face,” Dan smiled, already missing the touch of Phil’s soft fingers.

“Can I touch it with my lips?”

“Oh! Sure.”

“Can I kiss your cheeks?”

“Yeah,” Dan said, blushing as Phil’s lips met each of his cheeks.

“And your nose?”

“Yeah,” Dan laughed as Phil’s lips met the tip of his nose

“And your lips?”

“Definitely,” Dan smiled as Phil’s lips pressed against his again.

“I love you,” Phil said.

“I wish I could touch your face,” Dan blurted out.

“I know,” Phil sighed, leaning in again so their noses were touching. 

“Hey, you okay?” Dan said, seeing Phil's face shift into an expression of worry.

“You’re doing so so well Bear,” Phil said, tears falling out of his eyes again. “You’re honestly being so brave, with all your injuries and pain, you hardly even complain.”

“Well I kind of forget about it with you.”

“Aw Bear."

“Well it’s true, you have quite a way of distracting me,” Dan said and Phil gave a small half smile, but then returned to his frown. 

”But Bear,” he sighed, eyes scanning Dan’s body. “This must be so hard for you-“

”Well it’s much easier with you around,” Dan said, noticing as Phil’s lip started to tremble.

“I feel like I’ve been a terrible boyfriend,” Phil said quietly, tears rolling down his cheeks rapidly.

“No! Phil you couldn’t be a better boyfriend-“

“I’ve made this week so hard-“

“No you haven’t-“

“I’m so sorry,” Phil sobbed, dropping his head, tears falling into his lap.

“Oh Phil-

“You’re in so much pain, and your mental health isn’t good, and here I am letting my mental health swing out of control, and not being strong enough-“

“Phil no, you’ve been so strong with this.”

“But this awful thing happened to _you_ not me-“

“Sure this happened to me, but we’re connected Phil... you know how connected we are…this happened to you too…of course you’re struggling...I’d be the same if something happened to you.”

“I’m still sorry,” Phil said. 

“I’m still sorry,” Dan sighed. 

“What! Why?” Phil asked, suddenly looking up at Dan.

“For the same reasons you are Phil, I feel like I’ve made it harder for you-“

“Oh,” Phil sighed. “But it’s not like that..you don’t need to be sorry.”

“If I don’t need to be sorry then you don’t need to be.”

“I really love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Time for a kiss?” Phil asked.

“Always,” Dan said, but he saw Phil’s face falter. “But you can still ask, I like you asking,” Dan added, knowing how much asking every single time meant to Phil.

“Thanks Bear,” Phil said, planting another kiss on his lips. 

“Well while I think of it,” Phil sighed “um...I should mention...what happened on the train.”

“Oh Phil, how are you feeling? I didn’t want to bring it up, but now that you have, are you okay?

“I don’t know,” Phil sighed. “I…I…I just got a really big fright when I saw that guy who looked like him. Then how I reacted made me more upset because I hadn’t realised that he still had that much hold over me.”

“I know it must be really hard Phil,” Dan said, knowing if he’d seen a looka like of Ryan he’d probably need to go back to hospital from stress.

“Well…I guess the thing is, after he hurt me so bad... I never saw him again, so I was always worried what would happen if I did see him and I… I used to always do that, panic if I saw someone who looked slightly like him.”

“Well yeah, of course you would!” Dan said, even though he still had no idea what the other Dan had actually done to Phil.

“But I just…I really thought I’d moved past that....but I guess I’m still scared after all this time. I feel so…disappointed in myself...I really thought if I saw him I could handle it, but I guess today proves I really couldn’t,” Phil said, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Oh Phil,” Dan said. “Phil of course not…today doesn’t mean that. Today was hard enough for you, you were nervous about the train ride, and you were probably battling with all these other worries going on in your mind, you were already kind of vulnerable, so I think you did pretty amazing today, honestly Phil.”

“Oh wow um thanks,” Phil said, and Dan smiled to see Phil was the one blushing this time. “But you were really the amazing one Bear…did you realise you talked me through a panic attack?”

“I just copied what you always say,” Dan said.

“Yeah but…if you can do it for me, you’re gonna be able to do it for yourself soon,” Phil said, and Dan suddenly felt guilty to remember what Phil didn’t know. That a few days earlier, while Phil had been sobbing in fear of losing Dan, he’d had a panic attack that Phil hadn’t even noticed, and he’d managed it on his own. Dan had forgotten it had even happened until now, but he knew he would have to tell Phil at some point...or maybe he wouldn’t...but keeping it from him was lying to him...but Phil was going to feel sick when he found out what happened...

“Anyway, this did get me thinking,” Phil began, and Dan realised he’d lost his chance to say anything on the topic. “I’m going to start writing that letter to you tomorrow, I have a skype session with my therapist, so yeah..I think I’ll start, I might even read some to you tomorrow.”

“Oh! Wow…really?” Dan said, who had to admit, he was becoming more desperate to find out what had happened to Phil. Of course, he wasn’t going to rush him, but that couldn’t stop this burning desire to know.

“Well it would just be the very start of the story, nothing too big yet…I know we talked about it a bit when I was here, but I honestly…I can’t quite remember what I said and what I didn’t,” Phil sighed.

“It’s okay I don’t mind if you repeat yourself,” Dan said, although he himself felt like he’d probably forgotten a lot of the details Phil had told him as well. Not to mention, the times Phil had talked about it, he’d been so upset sometimes it was hard for Dan to piece everything he said together.

“Anyway it’s quite a big story. I know I can manage the start, and maybe once I do that I’ll be able to process the rest of it...maybe,” Phil frowned.

“Phil I think it’s really brave of you to go back and think about it all,” Dan said, knowing that just thinking of a single second from his past year at school made him want to throw up.

“I really should have done it years ago,” Phil sighed. “I mean…I’ve talked about it in therapy like a lot…but I’ve never thought about it as one thing…sorry it’s hard to explain, but anyway you look really tired, you should get some rest.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Dan said, who was feeling tired, but knew this was more Phil’s way of ending the conversation.

“Do you want me to stay here?”

“If you’re happy to.”

“And holding your hand too?”

“Yeah,” Dan smiled, and Phil slid his fingers between Dan’s, and in no time at all Dan fell asleep.

 

“Hey Bear,” Phil said gently, waking him up from his sleep.

“Phil um, hi,” Dan blushed, not used to waking up with actual, three dimensional Phil looking at him with wide eyes.

“It’s so much nicer watching you sleep in person-“

“What’s with you and watching me sleep?” Dan blushed, although the couple times he’d watched Phil sleep he could easily understand why Phil enjoyed it so much.

“Sorry,” Phil said, blushing himself “if you find it weird I can stop-“

“I don’t mind really,” Dan smiled.

“Okay,” Phil smiled.

“What’s the time?” Dan asked, wondering when he had to start getting ready for their date.

“Er, it’s 6pm, I’ve got to give you your tablets.”

“Oh shit, I’ve got to get our date ready!” Dan said.

“There’s no rush, and tablets first,” Phil said, standing up and grabbing the tablets and a glass of water.

“Wow, you’re like a tablet master now,” Phil laughed, as Dan easily swallowed his tablets

“I guess I got used to it, having to take so many” Dan said and Phil frowned.

“It’s okay Phil-"

“I know, I just wish you didn’t need them at all. Anyway! Date time Bear!”

“Well setting up for date time,” Dan said. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go to my room for a bit while I get set up."

“Oooh I’m so excited.”

“But speaking of my room, you’re welcome to spread your stuff around, and use my wardrobe for your clothes.”

“Well I guess there’s a lot of space in there with your clothes all over the floor,” Phil smiled.

“Sorry,” Dan blushed. He couldn’t even remember what state he’d left his room in before the hospital, and the only time he’d been in it after he hadn’t thought to check.

“I think I’ll be the one needing to apologise when you realise what else is lying around,” Phil giggled.

“What?”

“Just some clothes I don’t normally see.”

“What? But you would have seen every piece of clothing I own,” Dan began but then realised what Phil meant. “Oh shit Phil! Why didn’t you say something?” Dan blushed, realising his underwear was probably all over the floor.

“I don’t mind,” Phil laughed.

“Well I do!”

“I haven’t touched them or anything-“ Phil giggled.

“But why didn’t my Dad clean them up? He goes in my room everyday to get new clothes for me-“

“I was joking Bear.”

“Wait, there’s no underwear on the floor?”

“No,” Phil said, bursting into laughter.

“You twat,” Dan said, but it was impossible for him not to smile with Phil’s laugh filling the room.

“You look so fond right now, with your smile and your little eye crinkles,” Phil giggled.

“Shut up you.”

“And your blush and your dimples-“

“You go get my Dad, then go to my room, and let me get ready for our date before I change my mind.”

“You’d never,” Phil laughed, leaning into Dan so their noses were almost touching, his eyes so wide and looking so beautiful Dan wanted nothing more than to kiss him.

“Can you kiss oh-“ Dan blushed as Phil’s lips suddenly pressed against his, so soft and warm, gently moving against his.

“Well,” Phil said as he pulled away from him. “I better go find that suit you’re so keen to see me wear.” 

“No I was just keen to see the suit, I don’t care about you wearing it.”

“Fine,” Phil pouted. “I won’t wear it then.”

“No!”

“Don’t worry,” Phil laughed. “I’ll be all suited up for the start of our date.”

“Good. Now I’ll see you at the kitchen table at 7.”

“Sure,” Phil smiled, “I can’t wait.”

 


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Time :D ~ a longer chapter too :)

****

Dan spent the following hour getting everything ready for their date. His Dad helped him change into a white shirt, tied his tie for him, then took him to the dining table to get the table set up for his dinner with Phil. They set up the end of the dining table in the best impression of a restaurant, complete with a white table cloth, their best silverware and a vanilla scented candle.

“All good?” His Dad asked, looking over the table. 

“Um I think so,” Dan said, but something still seemed to be missing. “Wait, where are Phil’s flowers?”

"Just here, on Phil’s seat,” his Dad said, pulling out the chair at the end of the table.

"Okay," Dan sighed, just wishing he could hand the flowers over to Phil himself.

“And where would you like the ring?” his Dad asked, holding up the bag which contained Phil’s promise ring.

“Uh…other end of the table I guess,” Dan said, planning to give it to Phil right at the end of their date (well not right at the very end, as he hoped there would be a lot of kissing afterwards.)

“Thanks for getting it,” Dan said, feeling his heart racing just looking at it, incredibly nervous for what he was planning on saying to Phil later that evening. He’d rehearsed his words over and over in his head, but when it came to giving them with Phil’s beautiful eyes staring at him, he knew he’d probably stutter and get tongue tied. Of course Phil wouldn’t mind (in contrast he seemed to find it cute whenever Dan was flustered) but Phil’s presentation of Dan’s promise ring had been so perfect, Dan just wanted to be able to do the same for him.

“Well it’s a minute to 7, should I go?” his Dad said, at the same time there was a knock from the hallway.

“Go he’s here!” Dan said and his Dad left.

“Hey Bear,” Phil said, stepping into the room,

holding a bouquet of flowers

and wearing his suit.

_Well fuck._

Looking at Phil standing there in his suit, was sending as many tingles through Dan's body as when they held hands, an incredible warmth spreading through him as he stared at how gorgeous Phil looked. The thing was, Phil was always beautiful, always stunning, always incredible no matter what he was wearing. But tonight his black suit seemed to make his pale skin glow, the contrast between his soft lips and skin more evident than ever. His black hair seemed to have an extra shine to it, and his monochrome outfit made his stunning blue eyes look even deeper than they normally did. And the bow tie, oh god, Dan was just wondering if it were possible for Phil to look any better when he suddenly became aware of the fact Phil's lips were moving and his voice was filling up the room and Dan hadn't taken in a single word.

“Bear? Will I get hear your lovely voice at all?” Phil giggled.

“Oh um hi” Dan blushed, finding himself barely able to speak or even think clearly with the sight in front of him.

“I like your tie,” Phil giggled, walking over to Dan and picking up the end of it.

“I like your…everything,” Dan blushed, still not able to stop his eyes from travelling up and down Phil, looking at how nicely the suit fit around his shoulders and chest, and stomach and legs....

“Aww thankyou, I can tell,” Phil giggled. “Anyway, these are for you!” Phil said placing the flowers on the table in front of Dan. 

“When did you have time to get them?”

“There was florist at the train station, only took half a minute,” Phil smiled, pulling out the chair next to Dan revealing the flowers Dan had for Phil. “Oh wow! Are these-“

“Oh yeah I forgot!" Dan said, really not able to think of anything other than the fact  _Phil was wearing a suit._ "They're for you of course.”

“Aww Bear!” Phil said, a slight blush rising to his cheeks as he picked up the flowers and inhaled their scent  _Phil is in a suit holding my flowers_  “Thankyou these are beautiful, did you pick them?”

“Hand picked each one from my very own flower garden,” Dan said and Phil laughed.

“Well I meant choose them.”

“Yeah my Dad showed me some pictures and these looked nice."

"Well thankyou I love them,” Phil said, placing his flowers on the table and leaning into Dan, and Dan wasn’t sure his heart couldn’t melt anymore but as Phil (in a  _suit_ ) came closer he felt like his cheeks are on fire, and one look at those eyes he felt like his whole body was melting.

“Well Bear, you look very handsome in that tie,” Phil said, and Dan found himself blushing not able to remember Phil calling him handsome before.

“Well Phil you look…like…incredibly...um handsome in your suit,” Dan stammered.

“Thanks,” Phil blushed, leaning closer into Dan.

“You have such pretty eyes Dan,” Phil whispered, Dan's heart was already racing, his cheeks already red, but after Phil's words his heart seemed to only beat faster, his cheeks growing warmer, as he stared into Phil's deep blue eyes. “And I sure know how much you like my eyes,” Phil smiled.

“A whole lot,” Dan whispered, noticing as Phil was getting closer and closer until the tips of their noses were touching.

“I kind of love it when you do that,” Dan admitted. 

“I kind of love kissing you too,” Phil said, so close Dan could feel Phil’s breath on his lips, “Can I kiss your whole face like earlier?”

“Yeah,” Dan smiled, as Phil’s lips came into contact with his, and they entered a blissful few minutes of perfect kisses, tingles on his lips and his cheeks and his nose as Phil’s lips moved around his face. 

“Oh, I haven’t even mentioned how much I like the table setting!” Phil smiled, pulling away from Dan. “Especially this candle! It smells so good!” 

“Well it’s just meant to look like a restaurant, since I wanted to take you to one, but you know, that can’t happen,” Dan sighed. Even without all his injuries making it impossible for him to get places, worse than that was Dan’s growing fear of the public places, or at least any place where Ryan could show up-

“Well some day we will be able to Bear," Phil said gently. "We'll get past this together, then we’ll be able to do whatever we want, I promise.” Phil said, it warmed Dan’s heart to see the look in Phil’s eyes which indicated he knew this was more than just about Dan’s physical injuries. “But for the record, this is even better than a restaurant! We’ve got this whole space to ourselves, no strange table neighbors! I always get put next to someone with the most annoying laugh in the world-"

“Yeah, now we just have to put up with your annoying laugh,” Dan smiled.

“I happen to know you love my laugh,” Phil smiled, picking up a napkin from the table and placing it on his lap.

“Wow it’s like a real restaurant now,” Dan smiled, as Phil placed Dan’s on his lap for him.

“I don’t get why they put it on your lap though, wouldn’t it make more sense to tuck it into your shirt? Like, your leaning over the table anyway, who spills food on their lap?”

“You,” Dan laughed. “On a daily basis.”

“Well still, I spill more on my shirt,” Phil laughed. “Now how does this at-home-restaurant thing work, do we have menus, ooh these?” Phil asked, picking up the pile of takeout menus from the middle of the table.

“Yeah we can pick whatever we like then Dad will order it.”

“Wow! See, this is so much better than a restaurant, we’re not even restricted to one cuisine! Do you feel like anything in particular?”

“Um…I was going to see what you wanted.”

“Honestly, I’m really craving spaghetti bolognaise right now."

“I wish I could eat spaghetti,” Dan sighed, imagining the mess that would occur if Phil tried to feed it to him.

“Why not?”

“As if you could feed it to me without it being a complete disaster,” Dan smiled.

“That’s not true! I so could!”

“No you couldn’t.”

“If you want spaghetti I will be feeding it to you strand by strand if I have to-"

“Fine, but you'll be the one washing the stains out of my shirt."

“There won’t be a single one!” Phil smiled, although Dan seriously doubted that was possible. Phil could barely even feed him cereal without milk and cereal chunks going everywhere (not that Dan really minded that much because Phil’s reactions to spilling food on him were always so adorable.)

“Do you want me to call and place the order?”

“No! My Dad’s doing that for us.”

“Can I pay?”

“Definitely not! This is my date for you!”

“But you don’t have any money!”

“My Dad's keeping track of all this and is letting me pay him back whenever I can get a job," Dan explained. 

“Oh! Okay, but I’m still happy to pay for this dinner-"

“NO!”

“Okay, well thankyou future working Bear, that’s lovely of you,” Phil said.

“Anyway we should-“ Dan was interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Sorry to interrupt but can I take your order?” His Dad said, stepping into the room. 

“Wow you’re like a waiter!” Phil laughed.

“I actually was for a while,” his Dad smiled.

“Well we want spaghetti," Dan said.

“Please?” Phil added, handing him the menu to the Italian place. 

“At least one of you is nice,” his Dad muttered, leaving the room with the menu.

"Thanks!" Phil laughed, "Oh hey! I just realised there’s a card on these flowers!”

“Oh yeah, I forgot with, um..."

"My suit?" Phil giggled and Dan blushed.  _Man Phil looked good in that suit._

"Oh sorry it’s my Dad’s writing," Dan said as Phil opened the card. 

“Congratulations? What for?”

“For finishing your freaking bachelor degree Phil!”

“Oh yeah!” Phil said, as if the thought hadn’t occurred to him. “I guess I have!”

“You didn’t realise?”

“Well I mean yeah,” Phil laughed. “But there’s been a lot of other things on my mind, plus it doesn’t feel like the end, because...I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this, but I think I’m going to apply for a masters.”

“Oh my god you’re so smart.”

“Not really,” Phil said, but a bush seemed to rise to his cheeks anyway.

“Do you know what for?”

“Well…there’s this like Video Post-production with Visual effects.”

“Yes Phil!” Dan exclaimed and Phil laughed.

“Well yeah…I mean obviously it’s something I’m really interested in,” Phil said, eyes lighting up as he began to talk all about the program offered at York. “Oh my god look at you!” Phil laughed suddenly.

“What?” Dan blushed, no idea what Phil was referring too.

“Your eyes are so wide and your cute little dimples are out and you just look so excited-"

“Yeah because you sound so excited I’m excited for you!”

“Aww thankyou Bear but,” Phil sighed. “I’m afraid it super hard to get in. There’s a whole application and interview process, and hardly any places. Argh…I shouldn’t even be thinking about it, much less get excited about it, because chances are I won’t get in.”

“But I guess you’ve kind of got to be excited so you can show them how much you want to do it in your application and stuff.”

 “That’s true…very true Bear. But still at this rate, I've spent so much time thinking about how good it would be that I’m gonna dissolve into a big puddle of sadness for weeks if I don’t get in.”

“Well I’ll be around to help you through it,” Dan said and Phil smiled.

“Thanks I’m gonna need a lot of distractions if I don’t,” Phil sighed. 

“But could you try again the following year ?”

“Oh yeah, definitely.”

“See, it will be okay! You’ll get to do it at some stage, even if it’s not quite yet.”

“Yeah you’re right...I’m just really hoping to do it this coming year."

“I hope you can too Phil."

“And the applications hard, I’ll have to think about it a lot,” Phil sighed.

“When’s it due?” 

“End of June, so I’ve got a bit of time,” Phil said, and Dan already found himself praying with all his heart that Phil would get in. “Hey was that a knock?” Phil asked.

“Dinner probably, Dad will get it,” Dan said, and sure enough his Dad came in carrying the containers of spaghetti no more than a minute later.

“Thankyou so much! And thanks for helping Dan with this, it means a lot.”

“Dan take note of this.”

“Of what?”

“Phil’s manners!”

“I’ve thanked you for helping like 18 times today!”

“I know I’m just teasing,” his Dad chuckled. “Anyway, call me if you need anything.”

“Will do!” Phil smiled.  “Mm this smells good,” Phil said, opening the boxes and pouring them into one bowl.

“Uh Phil, why only one bowl?"

“I’m making it like Lady and the Tramp!”

“What?”

“You know that Disney movie where the dogs are eating spaghetti together and then they end up eating the same strand of spaghetti-"

“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, but just try not to get sauce all over me."

“How about I tuck your napkin into your shirt,” Phil said, picking up the napkin from Dan’s lap, and Dan felt himself blushing as Phil’s fingers brushed against his collar bones, a tingly feeling on his skin even after Phil pulled away.

“Okay,” Phil said, twirling some spaghetti around his fork, and delivering into Dan’s mouth while giggling.

“Mmm tastes so good!” Dan said, and it probably tasted extra good after putting up with a week of only cereal, bread and the occasional badly cooked meal by his Dad.

“Does it?” Phil asked, using the same fork to feed himself.

“Phil!”

“What?”

“That was my fork!” 

“Nah we’re sharing, it’s more romantic.”

“God if we were at a restaurant we'd be that annoying young couple all the old people roll their eyes at.”

“Yeah this is why this is better than a restaurant,” Phil said, waving the fork around and dropping a strand of spaghetti on the table.

“Hey! You concentrate with that fork.”

“Always,” Phil laughed.

“Hardly, you spill stuff on me all the time.”

“Yeah but half the time that’s only because I love your reaction so much, like how you always give that cute little half laugh from the back of your throat and say PHIL!”

“You spill stuff on me on purpose?”

“Sometimes!”

“Phil!”

“Ahh there it is,” Phil giggled.

“Whatever just feed me the rest of it,” Dan said, and Phil took turns feeding Dan them himself, still using the same fork, and Dan found himself unable to stop blushing, still not over the fact Phil was wearing a suit. 

"Well that was great, I’m so full.”

“No room for dessert?

“Always room for dessert.”

“Well let’s wait for a bit anyway,” Dan said. "I can't believe you didn't get sauce on me."

"Told you!" Phil said, smiling gleefully and poking his tongue between teeth. 

"Anyway, you were saying earlier the masters application is due at the end of June..." Dan said, then sighed suddenly, realising what the date was for the first time in a while. “Hey…I just realised something…if this hadn’t happened, I’d be going to Manchester soon, wait no! Like right now...right now I would probably be having my first night in Manchester,” Dan said, finding tears welling in his eyes as he thought about the trip they'd planned, their original first meeting which never happened. 

“I know," Phil said sadly. “But we’ll get to Manchester together eventually, I promise,” Phil assured him.

“I know...I just...it would have been so perfect though, meeting for the first time and hugging at the train station,” Dan sighed, imagining how excited he would have been on the train journey, how incredible it would have been to see Phil for the first time and wrap his arms around him...

“I know, but we've had lots of perfect moments here too," Phil said gently. 

"Sorry."  
  
"Don't be, I feel sad about it too sometimes," Phil admitted. "But then I just think about the fact we're spending the whole summer together. Which, let's be honest Bear, if we had the choice between one week or the next two and a half months, I don't think we'd need more than a second to pick this one. 

“Yeah,” Dan smiled.

“I know the circumstances aren’t ideal, but-"

“You're right, it's still more amazing than I ever could have hoped for," Dan said, knowing that if he had told his past self he'd be spending a whole summer with Phil, it would have seemed way too good to be true...and it still kind of did. "Yeah this is much better, much much better."

“Exactly, and think about how many dates we can have over the summer!”

“Yeah,” Dan smiled.

"Hey, how about we set Saturday night as date night?” Phil suggested.

“Yes! Get your suit out every Saturday night!” Dan said and Phil giggled.

“Well if you really want me to!” Phil laughed. “But Bear, this summer’s going to be great with all the movies and shows we can watch holding hands and we can do that video game thing where I'm blindfolded, and then just talking together and kissing and dates, it will be so much better than Manchester ever could have been. I mean, aside from our declining mental states and your inability to move that is,” Phil sighed, but Dan found himself letting out a small laugh. 

“Well hopefully those mental states will be improving soon,” Dan said, not seeing any progress with his, but he prayed Phil’s would become manageable as soon as it could.

“Yeah, speaking of, I have therapy on Skype tomorrow, did I mention that?” 

“Yeah, you did and Phil um, no pressure on that letter, or letters depending on what you decide.”

“Don’t worry, no pressure at all, but I think I might give you a short one tomorrow,” Phil nodded.

“Phil, um, I’m not sure how you’re feeling about the letters and all,” Dan began, meaning to raise something he’d been thinking about for a while. “I’m sure you know this, but I absolutely completely promise that nothing you say will make me think badly of you in anyway…like it’s not going to change anything between us, unless you want it to,” Dan added. “I just mean I won’t think less of you, I actually expect I’ll probably love you even more but- Oh Phil!” Dan said, suddenly realising Phil had started crying “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have talked about this on our date-

“No Bear,” Phil said warmly. “Thankyou for saying that…not that I was worried, but it’s just nice to here you say those words.”

“Oh! Of course Phil, well I mean every one.”

“Thankyou, that means so much,” Phil said, hastily wiping his tears away.

“Do you want to talk about this anymore? Or is it dessert time?” Dan asked, and Phil paused for a minute.

“I don’t want to end up in too many tears on our date, so how about we just go with dessert?” Phil smiled.

“Okay,” Dan said, of course he didn’t mind if Phil wanted to cry the whole date, but Phil probably didn't want to talk about it. “Well dessert is in in that paper bag just there.”

“What is it?”

“Cheesecake,” Dan teased.

“You’re joking right?”

“I guess you’ll have to see.”

“Oh thank god,” Phil laughed, as he opened up the bag to find chocolate brownies inside.

“Now I’m afraid there were only cheese flavored brownies available,” Dan said and Phil’s smile faltered.

“You can’t put cheese in brownies…right?”

“I’m not sure if it’s actual cheese, or just cheese flavouring.”

Phil’s eyes were flicking from the brownies to Dan, worry etched through his face.

“Oh my god you actually look scared!” Dan laughed. “Phil! As if I’d feed you cheese brownies on our date!”

“You really had me going there,” Phil laughed, finally eating one of the brownies.  “Mm tastes good, you want some?” Phil asked, holding the plate under Dan’s chin to catch all the crumbs as he fed him.

“It’s amazing how they put cheese in this but you just can’t taste the cheese!” Dan teased and Phil pouted.

“Phil you literally had parmesan cheese on your spaghetti earlier.”

“Yeah but cheese in brownies just sounds disgusting!”

“You’d think so, but these cheese brownies just go to show-“

“Stop it,” Phil giggled.

“You know cheese brownies is a thing right?”

“No it’s not!”

“Yeah like cream cheese brownies, my grandma used to make them.”

“Are you messing with me?”

“No! I’m serious!”

“Really?”

“Yes! It’s a thing!”

“Well as long as there’s not cheese in these brownies we should finish them,” Phil said, continuing to alternatively feed him using the same fork. They took a long time to finish the brownies, laughing and joking as they did so, Dan questioning Phil on every food he would eat with or without cheese.

"But like how can you have cheese on pizza? It's literally just cheese on bread!" Dan asked, knowing they’d had this conversation so many times before.  
  
"Yeah but it's like mixed with other stuff, and it's all melted too!”  
  
"So if I were to put a plate of melted cheese in front of you, you wouldn't eat it?"  
  
"Who would?"  
  
"I would!"

"Good you can eat all mine for me," Phil smiled, leaning into Dan and pausing for his permission, before pressing his lips to Dan's again.  "Well it’s getting kind of late, and you still probably have to get ready for bed and all, so thank you for this incredibly lovely date."

“Oh wait, there’s one more thing!” Dan said, heart leaping to realise he was about to give Phil his promise ring. “It's um, there’s a bag on the end of the table…it's for you, but um…hang on don’t open it yet I’m not ready,” Dan said, just feeling himself blushing in anticipation of the words he was about to say to Phil.

"Aw, you got me a present?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"That's so nice of you," Phil said, reaching for the bag, and sitting back down again. 

"Hey you okay?” Phil asked gently as he placed the bag in front of them, and looking at Dan with worry in his eyes.

“What?” Dan said, increasingly aware of his heart pounding throughout his entire body.

“You seem really nervous all of a sudden,” Phil said with a small smile. 

“Oh…I am,” Dan admitted.

“Would it help if I held your hand?"

“Okay,” Dan said, smiling as Phil’s warm hand slipped inside his.

“Well, don't worry too much, I pretty much love all presents.”

“I know you’ll like it but I’m just…I’m scared.”

“Aww, Bear, it’s just me!”

“Yeah and you’re perfect so I want to get this right.”

“Oh! Um…okay,’ Phil said looking a bit confused.

“Okay you should um…just um…open it and then I’ll talk about it,” Dan said, and Phil reached into the bag, gasping when he saw the unmistakable ring box.

“Be-bear is this?”  

“Open it,” Dan said, and Phil took his hand away form Dan’s for a minute to open up the ring box. 

"Oh Bear," Phil whispered, tears already beginning to roll down his cheeks, as he entwined his fingers in Dan's again. 

"So it's my promise ring for you Phil," Dan said. "I wanted to get it for you ever since you gave me mine. But the main reason is, over the past couple days, I've been telling you those words you liked so much: that I'm all yours forever. And, every time I say them you seem to completely light up, so I wanted to get you like a...like a, visible sort of version of those words, a ring to show you that I'm completely serious when I say that, that I'm yours forever Phil," Dan said, his eyes watering as he thought about how much he loved Phil. He kept his eyes glued to their entwined hands, knowing that if he looked at Phil's eyes or even his face, he'd be too overcome with emotion to finish what he wanted to say. 

"I was hoping that it could help you. If we're not together and you begin to feel stuck or scared," Dan said, feeling his voice catching in his throat remembering all the times he'd watched Phil grow terrified of losing Dan right in front of his eyes. "If um, you feel like that, you could look down at the ring and remember that I'm all yours forever."  
  
"Bear," Phil sniffed. "This is...I don't know what to say...this is so perfect...."  
  
"You don't have to say anything Phil," Dan said, finally looking up at Phil and beginning to sob as he felt overwhelmed by his love for the man in front of him. 

"I'm all yours forever too," Phil whispered, shakily taking the ring out of the box and sliding onto his finger. 

“I’m sorry...I can't put it on for you," Dan said, sobbing for his own feelings and too see how much Phil was crying as well. 

"I really love you so much," Phil sobbed, "I'm so sorry for getting so scared about," Phil paused, biting his lip and crying for a minute, and Dan felt he could do nothing but keep holding onto his hand, feeling like a knife was stabbing into his heart as he thought about what Phil might be imagining, what he was feeling as we was crying in front of him. "I can't really talk about it...but this ring is perfect Bear."  
  
"I know it can't fix it but-

"It will help me so much Dan," Phil said, and soon Dan found himself almost out of breath from crying so much. 

“I wish I could say something to tell you how much this means to me, but have no words for this yet...can I kiss you as a thankyou?” Phil asked, his voice still shaky with tears. 

“You can kiss me forever,” Dan said, wondering if the flow of either of their tears would ever stop. 

“I’d love to,” Phil said, his lips meeting Dan’s, kissing him softly and gently for hours, mixed with tears and endless promises of forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil's backstory will finally start next chapter! :D


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :D

“You know, I really love this ring Bear,” Phil said, smiling as he looked down at the promise ring Dan had given him on their date the previous night.  

“I know,” Dan laughed, “you’ve told me that about 20 times in the past hour.”

“Oh! Well that’s just because I really like it that much!”  Phil laughed, then looked up at Dan and tilted his head. “Can I-“

“Yes Phil you can kiss me,” Dan smiled, as he had every few minutes with Phil alternating between telling him how much he liked the ring and asking to kiss him. 

“You know-“ Phil began.

“You really like your ring,” Dan finished for him. “I’m very glad.”

“Actually,” Phil said, “I was going to say I really love how soft your lips are.”

“Oh,” Dan blushed.

“Just kidding, I was going to say the ring thing, but suddenly I just wanted to see you blush,” Phil giggled. "Look at you, you’re doing that thing we're you press you're lips together, you're so cute.” 

“Shut up,” Dan said but Phil just laughed.

“Is that you asking to kiss me again?” Phil teased.

“It wasn’t, but sure,” Dan said, rolling his eyes as Phil leaned into kiss him again.

“This is so nice…like the amount of times I wanted to kiss you over Skype and I couldn’t...I can't believe I'm really back with you," Phil said, and Dan wondered if Phil had ever once allowed himself to believe that their summer together was happening or if he'd just been too scared that it wouldn’t. 

“Well now I’m back, maybe it’s just today, but my mind just feels a lot better." 

"Really?” Dan asked. Perhaps Phil wouldn't get as stuck as he had earlier in the week, perhaps now that they were back together he was over the worst of it and really would be able to keep moving forward.

"Yeah I feel more stable. At least today...let's hope it lasts."  
  
"I really hope so," Dan said. "But if it doesn't just tell me how I can help, okay?"  
  
"Thankyou," Phil said quietly, gazing down at his ring again, and Dan realised that now every time Phil looked down like that, he'd have a pretty good idea what he was thinking. 

"Are you okay Phil?" Dan asked quietly, finding it hard not to burst into tears himself every time he imagined Phil thinking about losing him...

"Yeah I am," Phil said, looking up at Dan, his smile seeing to ward off all of Dan’s sad thoughts. "I just really love this ring a lot...not just the ring, I mean the promise with the ring...like it helps a lot to just have it to look at and remember all those nice things you said last night." 

“I’m so glad Phil,” Dan said. He’d never really been scared that Phil wouldn’t like the ring, and he’d hoped it could help, but he hadn’t been certain that it would. However the fact that Phil seemed so overjoyed with the ring, made Dan finally feel like he was being as a good a boyfriend to Phil as Phil always was for him.

"Anyway," Phil said brightly. “What would you like to do today?” 

“I hadn’t really thought about it,” Dan said, having become used to spending any spare time sleeping or listening to Phil ramble about all his exam content. But now he was a bit better, and Phil had finished his exams, suddenly there was all this time in front of them. 

“Well I was thinking maybe this?” Phil beamed, picking up a box set from the coffee table. 

“Hey, it’s Buffy!” Dan smiled, how long had they been waiting to watch this together?

“Sure is," Phil smiled at the box set. "I was always a little bit in love with her.”

“When did you start watching Buffy?” Dan said, a thought suddenly occurring to him. Phil had known he liked girls since he was young, when had he realised he liked boys too? Was it before he'd liked the other Dan, or was that the first time he had liked a boy? 

“Um, I started watching it when I was about 10, but I’m really sorry,” Phil said quickly, “I didn’t mean to upset you by saying like, I was in love with her, I’m not anymore-“

“I wasn’t upset-“ Dan said quickly, knowing he’d probably only looked upset since any time the other Dan crossed his mind he felt so sad and scared to imagine what had happened to Phil...

“Oh! I’m sorry, I must have read your expression wrong," Phil frowned. "Now I’m confused...I thought I knew your expressions so well.”

“I think you still do, I was only, well I was thinking...it’s sort of personal.”

“You don’t have to share anything-“

“No, I meant personal for you, like something I was wondering about you."

“Oh! Ask away Bear.”

“Well I guess I just suddenly remembered: you had girlfriends that you genuinely liked, right?”

“Well not exactly girlfriends, a few crushes, a couple dates here and there. I did like them, but nothing special.”

“Right, but at some point, did you realise that...like, when did you know you liked boys too?” Dan asked, hoping this wasn’t going to venture into the time where Phil started liking the Other Dan…

“Oh!" Phil said slowly. "Firstly Bear, can I ask you what you’re feeling? Because usually it’s really easy for me to tell, but right now I’m kind of lost,” Phil said, squinting at Dan as if trying to determine what his expression meant.

“I’m just worried that I’m going to upset you by asking you to talk about this, especially if it’s got anything to do with him,” Dan explained. He was so scared of asking Phil a question about his past that would just make him burst into tears, or cause him to get stuck in his mind again. 

“Aw, that’s kind of you, but it’s okay. It's funny you ask, as this was the kind of thing I was going to try talk about in the letter I write this afternoon, but I mean I can skip writing that part and just tell you now-"

“You don’t have to-"

“Nah, this part isn’t even to do with that other Dan really, I'll tell you this now," Phil said, surprising Dan with how bright he sounded at the prospect of talking about it. “In answer to your question…I really didn’t know I liked boys for a while. I always thought I just liked girls, not boys too. I actually didn’t know that a whole spectrum of sexuality existed…unfortunately, I saw it in very discrete boxes, of which there were two - liking girls and liking guys,” Phil sighed. “Which is so so bad that I thought that, on a million different levels, I feel so awful I considered gender a binary thing, that I thought everyone fit inside a couple boxes, but at the time that’s what I thought."

“Well to be fair Phil, I think that’s what most kids are taught to think."

“I really wish they weren’t,” Phil sighed. “Anyway, I got myself very confused because of that line of thinking…thinking well I like girls, therefore I don’t like boys. Then any time I felt my heart flutter for a boy, I'd just think I don’t really like that boy, I just want to be his friend,” Phil explained.

“Well the friend bit sounds familiar,” Dan said, thinking of his own justification every time his heart raced when watching Phil’s videos.

“I think if I had been open and honest with myself about my feelings, I would have realised that I did actually like boys a lot earlier,” Phil said. “Like even at primary school, I had this really big crush on…wait a second, is this weird?”  
  
“Why would this be weird?”  
  
“Because you’re my boyfriend and I was about to start telling you about other people I’ve liked!”  
  
“Aw, nah Phil. I find it really interesting to hear about it actually,” Dan said.

“Ok. Well there as this one boy in primary school, and I always got super jealous every time he talked to anyone else. Especially like…well for some reason he was constantly getting out of his seat to go sharpen his pencils by the bin, I'm not sure if he just didn't want to do work or he just put too much pressure on his pencils, but whenever people sharpened their pencils at the same time as him I got so frustrated! Especially this one girl, who I suspected he liked. So I was always especially annoyed at her, like why can't she just sharpen her pencils at another time?”

“Oh Phil, you definitely liked him,” Dan smiled.

“I know that now,” Phil laughed. “I’d even complain to my friends about her and they were all like oooh you like her, and I was always like no I don’t like her! Which I really didn’t, I didn’t even notice her except when she was around him. I used to even come up with plans of how to get her to stop talking to him ...I guess I now know why,” Phil said and Dan laughed.

“Sorry,” Dan laughed “that’s just so cute! How old were you?”

“Probably like 9 or 10? But hold on, are you sure you're not finding this weird?”

“Well you don’t still have feelings for them do you?”

“Only for you my Bear,” Phil said and Dan blushed. “What is it about me saying that which makes you blush so bad?” Phil giggled.

“I don’t know…just continue your story,” Dan said, feeling Phil’s eyes on his cheeks.

“You just want me to stop looking at your blush, but now I really just want to touch your cheeks-“

“If you have to,” Dan sighed, although he couldn’t help but smile as Phil poked each of his cheeks.

“So yeah, primary school I liked that guy, and when it got to high school suddenly there were more cute guys…objectively cute of course, not that I liked them,” Phil smiled.

“Except maybe you did?” Dan asked.

“I think so," Phil nodded. "There were probably two that I liked, at different times. One of them...well I really liked looking at him. His locker was a few down from mine and often I’d just watch him instead of actually putting my books away. The other I talked to quite often, but I’d just always find my heart racing when I talked to him. Occasionally I’d wonder if I was gay but then I’d just dismiss it being like, no I like girls! Like by this time I'd been on date and kissed girls and stuff…sorry,” Phil sighed.

“Phil I already said, I don’t mind hearing about your past relationships,” Dan said, simply just wanting to know everything about Phil. Besides, knowing how much Phil loved him now, he had no reason to feel jealous at all.

“Oh! I know that, I just hoped I wasn’t making you feel bad with me talking about all these different people I liked. You seem to feel worried sometimes that you never liked anyone before me, and I’d never want to make you feel bad about that-"

“Oh right! Um no, I don’t feel bad,” Dan said.

“Good, because I find that incredibly special, so please don’t ever feel bad about it.”

“I don’t,” Dan said, he loved Phil too much to even contemplate why he hadn’t liked anyone else when he was younger.

“Anyway so I had a couple ‘girlfriends' around the same time,” Phil said. “Who I actually did really like, and I enjoyed kissing at the time. Then maybe when I was about 14 I found out that wow, being bi is a real thing! You can like both! Not that I should have needed permission but you know,” Phil sighed. “Then I entered a little bit of a crisis with it, and I was like oh no maybe I do like boys too? Which let me quickly say I never should have thought oh no about-

"But the world kind of makes you think it," Dan sighed, mind suddenly cast back to every time he'd been insulted by being called gay...made to think that being anything but straight was bad...when he had proof right in front of him that two people of the same gender in love could really be the best thing in the world...

"Yeah, exactly Bear...the people around us have made as feel like we shouldn’t be,” Phil sighed. Around us? Was Phil bullied for his interest in boys as well? "It sucks....it sucks so much...it's so unfair...those kids at your school...there were a lot at mine too...it's so unfair...I hate that it's like this."

"Is that what people bullied you about as well? Liking boys?" Dan asked tentatively and Phil nodded.

"It was,” Phil said, tears suddenly dropping down his face. “It was all to do with that."

"I'm so sorry Phil," Dan said, suddenly feeling guilty for every time he'd told Phil the things the boys called him at school, when Phil would have heard it himself at school too...

"Don't be, things will change though...in our lifetime, I'm sure," Phil said, hastily wiping his tears away. Dan was so tempted to ask more about what happened to Phil at school, but Phil had clearly moved on. "I mean gay marriage is legal in some places...like it's been legal in a few countries for a while, like the Netherlands has had it for ages-"  
  
"Great, if it's not legal here in 10 years we can move there-" Dan said, then realised what he'd said and started blushing.

"You just said-"

"I know," Dan sighed, knowing he couldn't escape that one. 

"Well I sure hope things will change here soon, but I'm glad to know you'd move to the Netherlands just to marry me-"

"Shut up," Dan blushed.

"I love you so much," Phil smiled. "Now can I ask you a question?"  
  
"You haven't even finished your story!"  
  
"Oh yeah, I'll get back to it, but first I want to ask you - when you first started watching my videos, I know you didn't realise at the time, but looking back did you like me?"

"I think so," Dan blushed. "Maybe not at the very start, it's hard to say. Like I think maybe at the start I really honestly did just think you looked nice and didn't like you-

"What for the first second?" Phil teased.

"Shut up," Dan said, knowing it was true. "Okay, maybe I did like you from the start. It wasn't just the way you looked though, you just seemed to have this charm about you, I can't even explain it," Dan said, who still to this day couldn't quite explain what he loved so much about Phil. What he loved so much, was just...that he was Phil. 

"Well you have quite the charm about you too," Phil smiled. "But in terms of figuring this all out, you don't really ever have to know if you liked me back then or just enjoyed my videos. I know I asked but you really don’t have to know. Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s hard,” Phil said gently. “Sometimes I wonder, maybe I really did just like looking at those guys in high school, and it wasn't a crush at all, but I guess in the end, figuring the past out doesn't really matter when I have all I ever need right in front of me," Phil said, and Dan blushed. "You know...I never in my life felt comfortable with liking boys until you," Phil said quietly.

"Aww Phil," Dan said, not knowing if he could blush anymore. 

"From the time I was 14 to the time I met you...my sexuality journey is a bit complicated from there," Phil sighed. "But in terms of, when did I first really admit I liked boys? I was in denial for a long time, I knew that I did, I just kept sweeping those feelings to the side. But that kind of changed, when...I became so overwhelmed by my own feelings, so much that I couldn’t deny it,” Phil sighed.

“Was that with-?” Dan began but didn’t want to end the sentence.

“Yes..that was when I met him, the other Dan,” Phil sighed. “It was a crush that I couldn't deny...and I guess, this is where I’ll start my letter this afternoon. Probably with what happened when I first met him because that’s a kind of interesting story, but for now-"

“But for now we watch Buffy,” Dan finished quickly, taking the clear hint that Phil was done talking about this.

“Thanks…but for the record, even though I've just told you about 6 different people I've liked, the only person I’ve ever loved is you Dan,” Phil said, leaning in, lips hovering right in front of Dan’s.

“You know the same is true of me for you...and yes Phil you can kiss me,” Dan said and Phil closed the small distance between them and kissed Dan for a few minutes.

“Well my Skype session with my psychologist is only a couple hours away, so I better let you start watching Buffy!"

“Wait, just me? What are you doing?”

“Watching your reactions!” Phil smiled. 

“Of course you are,” Dan laughed as Phil pressed play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a while to get together, as I've been writing quite a few chapters at once, with Phil's backstory finally here. I want to execute it really well, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about how best to do that! But I think I've got it figured out, so look forward to those chapters very soon!


	48. Chapter 48

“You look sleepy,” Phil said, the softest smile on his face as his eyes rested on Dan’s.

“A little,” Dan mumbled, fighting to keep his eyes open and his mind concentrating on watching Buffy.

“I promise the show gets better,” Phil smiled, pausing the episode.

“Nah I’m only sleepy coz this is so nice,” Dan mumbled. "You know...just sitting watching this together...feel so calm...could just fall asleep..."

“Get some rest Bear,” Phil said, gently pulling away his hand from Dan’s.

“Don’t go,” Dan whispered.

“I’ll stay for a bit, but…but soon I’ll have to go take my Skype call, with my psychologist, remember?”

“Oh…oh right, of course…can you kiss me though...before you go,” Dan mumbled.

“Sure,” Phil said, lips brushing against Dan’s. “Sleep well.”

Perhaps because he’d fallen asleep so peacefully, Dan couldn't remember a single nightmare when he woke up. His chest ached, the usual indicator that his heart had been racing during sleep, so he knew he'd probably experienced some nightmares, but at least he couldn't remember them. 

He opened his eyes to the familiar sight of his Dad reading the newspaper in the armchair, sighing again as he remembered all the times he’d woken up to see Phil on that armchair. He'd be back from his exams soon, Dan reminded himself....until he remembered that Phil was back and had been having a therapy session while Dan was asleep. 

“What’s the time?” Dan asked. 

“Just after 5,” his Dad said.

“Shit! I was asleep for ages, have you seen Phil at all?” Dan asked, suddenly very anxious to find out how Phil had coped in his therapy session. Phil had seemed so certain he would be able to start writing the letter about what the other Dan had done to him, but what if he hadn’t been able to write it? What if it was too much for him, and now he was lost in his own mind again?

“No I haven't, want me to go get him?” His Dad asked. Dan didn’t want to disturb Phil if he just needed some space after his therapy session, but what if he was upset and needed Dan?

“Um…maybe you could you take me to go see him?” Dan asked, desperately hoping that this wasn’t a bad sign. He couldn't help but feel like it was...Phil's appointment had been done for two hours, and he hadn't even checked to see if Dan was awake? Perhaps it was a good sign, he tried to tell himself, perhaps writing the letter had gone so well that he couldn’t stop writing it once he started. Dan doubted that was the case, but there wasn’t much else he could do to calm his nerves as his Dad pushed his wheelchair towards his bedroom. As they approached the door, Dan could hear the unmistakable sound of Phil’s sobs, and Dan immediately felt guilty for sleeping while Phil had probably needed him.

“Phil?” Dan called out, and immediately Phil's sobs went silent. “Phil can I help at all? I don't mind if you just need some space, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here if you need me," Dan said, and suddenly the door flew open.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil stuttered. 

“What? There's nothing to be sorry for!” Dan said.

“How about I leave you here,” his Dad said quietly, wheeling Dan’s wheelchair into the room and closing the door behind him.

“I’m so sorry Bear, I just can’t do it,” Phil sniffed, gesturing to a large pile of scrunched up paper on Dan’s desk. “I can’t write the letter!”

“That’s okay!” Dan said.

“No it’s not! I wanted to do it for you!”

“Phil…this isn’t about me,” Dan said slowly, wishing Phil wasn’t so worried about telling Dan. He was desperate to know what had happened of course, but he was far more desperate for Phil to get better.  “The only thing that matters to me in all this is you making progress and getting better.”

“But I want you to know! I want you to know why-“

“And I will, eventually,” Dan said.

“No I want you to know now! I want to just be able to talk about it without imploding under my own mind!” Phil said, suddenly pacing up and down the short length of Dan’s room.

“I know Phil, but I think you need to take it slow."

“I’m done taking it slow it’s been four fucking years."

“It’s okay Phil,” Dan said, attempting to sound as calm as possible. It wasn’t like Phil to display such anger, much less swear over it. Dan could completely understand why Phil was feeling that way, but Dan had no idea how to help or even talk to an angry Phil.

“I’m so done with this!” Phil exclaimed.

“Phil, how about you sit down?” Dan suggested.

“I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him,” Phil mumbled, ignoring Dan and continuing to pace around the room.

“I know, I do too,” Dan said, his chest physically aching to see yet again how much the Other Dan was still affecting Phil after all this time. 

“You should hate me,” Phil said suddenly turning to face Dan. 

“No, please don’t say that-“

“But I’ve been keeping stuff for you for months and months and months, and you’re always so honest with me and I’m not giving you the same back,” Phil said, finally taking a seat on Dan’s bed before bursting into tears. 

“Phil, we’ve talked about this, it's fine. You can take your time with this, I know it’s hard to talk about. I’m not in any rush, I just want you to be okay Phil. Focus on getting better, not on telling me okay?” Dan said, wondering how many times he’d need to say the same thing before Phil would get the message.

“I’m just so sick of it always being on my mind.”

“Always?”

“Well I mean it was off my mind for a while…but I guess in the past few weeks it has been...I know I shouldn't compare that relationship to ours because I know it's different but sometimes in the middle of the night I'll just wake up feeling like I'm taking advantage of you, that I’m just like him-” 

“You're not Phil," Dan said. "You'd never do anything like that," Dan said, even though he still had no idea what the other Dan did. He knew that Phil had been uncomfortable in the relationship, that something had happened at the end that gave Phil proof that the other Dan hadn’t cared about him at all...

“Phil you love me," Dan reminded him.

“I know…that’s why I get so scared that I’m hurting you-"

“But you’re not!” Dan said. He knew it was hard for Phil, but he still wished he could just see what was really in front of him. 

"But sometimes I think that I should have waited until you were older. I should have kept our Skype calls to once a week...we still would have fallen in love, but it would have been when you were older and knew what you wanted better-"

"I do know Phil! All I want is you!"  
  
"I was so in love with you I couldn't see what I was doing was wrong until we met, I should have waited, I shouldn't have-"

"Phil you did nothing wrong," Dan said, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. He knew it was hard for Phil, but it made Dan so sad to hear him say those things. "I couldn't have coped this whole year without you! I couldn't have coped with all these injuries and panic attacks without you here-"

"Which makes me so worried! Because Bear...I know I helped, but you did it all, and you think it was all me...Bear I'm doing to you exactly what he did to me!"

"No you're not!" Dan said, trying to keep himself from yelling.

"But you rely on me completely now...I relied on him completely, and that's the last thing I ever wanted to do to you....I know we're not breaking up, I know that...but when things ended with the other Dan I was a mess because I thought I was nothing without him, and now I've done the same thing to you!"   
  
"Phil it's not the same-" Dan tried to explain.    
  
"I’ve made you too reliant on me, and now you get scared of having a panic attack when I’m not around." 

"Phil, I have to tell you something," Dan said suddenly. "I actually managed one on my own…without you or even your voice message…um, yeah I did it myself, I know I can do it myself.”  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah it was hard and awful, but I calmed myself down-" 

"Oh Bear...that's so amazing...where was I?  
  
"Oh um, I don't remember," Dan said, knowing Phil would be horrified if he found out he was on Skype while it happened, but so lost in his own sorrow he couldn't see what was happening right in front of him.

"Was it when I got really stuck in my mind?" Phil asked sadly.

"Um...yeah," Dan admitted. "But don't feel bad! It was good for me to know that I could do it myself, and now I know that I've been going better with the panic attacks...like when I wake up in the night to them, I'm not as scared because I know that I can do it if I have to. Which weirdly, knowing that can sometimes stop it before it even starts."

"I am really sorry I wasn't there for you...although I am relieved to hear that Bear, because I've been so worried. Me talking you through it helps in the short term, but for the long term you need to do it own your own, but you've started that, so that's actually a really big relief."

"But Phil when I say I couldn't cope without you...that doesn't mean you're the other Dan. It's different because you love me Phil," Dan said.

"I know it is different," Phil said. 

"But?"  
  
"I still get scared that you might be too reliant on me...but I think this is a conversation for another time." 

"I don't know what to say," Dan said, tears falling out of his eyes. Was he too reliant on Phil? What did that even mean?

"Oh Bear I'm so sorry," Phil said. "I shouldn't have said it. All I meant to say is I'm just really tired of thoughts of the other Dan interfering with everything."   
  
"I'm sorry that it's been so on your mind lately," Dan said. He felt like it was all his fault that it was on Phil's mind at all.

“No, don’t be, it's not your fault, I just wish I could get it out of my mind,” Phil frowned. “I thought I could with the letters…I thought that would be easier like it used to be…but maybe it’s not the best option for me anymore."

“What do you mean?"

“Oh…when I first saw my therapist I um…I didn’t do a lot of talking...I used to just write to him at first, but now writing is harder than talking,” Phil sighed.

“When you say you-“

“I...when I started seeing my therapist um, I didn’t used to talk…” Phil said, and the way he phrased it, made Phil sound like he didn’t used to talk at all.

“Um...just to your therapist or other people as well?” Dan asked and Phil looked uncomfortable.

“Um depended on the situation…I’d talk about like homework or classes or some things but not…not anything personal I guess...anything that involved me saying anything I thought or felt...I just couldn’t say...It’s hard to explain...I built up lots of rules in my mind of what I could and couldn't say I guess...basically because...well um...I can't say this yet...I'll tell you another time, I'm sorry," Phil said.

“Don’t be sorry, but Phil…was, was it in response to what happened?” Dan asked, not really needing Phil’s slow nod to answer his question.

“Wait, is talking to me okay?” Dan asked.

“Of course! Like, it’s completely in the past,” Phil said quickly. “That was what I worked on with my psychologist for a long time, writing used to help so much…so he figured it would help me here too. But I’ve changed, now talking seems easier."

“Wait I thought you’d said your therapist had been asking you to write about it for years.”

“Oh sorry, when I said that, I meant as one big chronological  _this is what happened_  from start to finish…yes I wrote what happened but on scrap paper with different parts over different sessions, and it was so disjointed I’m not even sure if he has a full understanding of how everything unfolded.”

“Wait, so you’ve never like…talked about it aloud?”

“Er…no, I guess not…I mean…well, no, not exactly," Phil mumbled. 

“Aw Phil, no wonder talking to me about it has been so hard for you!” Dan said.

“Well that’s why I thought writing would work. I felt so good about too,” Phil sighed. “I thought I had it all under control and I could finally be as honest with you as you always are with me…but when I went to start writing that letter to you today I just was imagining your reactions and it just made it impossible to write-"

“Oh Phil…you know I’m not going to judge you or anything, right?”  
  
“But naturally you’ll be sad for me. I don’t want to do anything to make you sad, but I know that this will…”

“Maybe um…if you’re worried about my reactions, maybe, this is just a suggestion, but perhaps it would be easier to talk? I know you used to find it harder to talk, but like you said, you’ve changed, maybe now it would be better to? That way you’re not like anticipating my reactions for so long before?"

“Yeah…maybe....he also suggested that. He had a lot of suggestions of how we could do it, if you’re open to it."

“Of course I can do anything!”

“I love you,” Phil sniffed, looking sad for a moment and glancing down to the ring on his finger and Dan’s chest felt like it was caving in as Phil looked back up at him with watery eyes.

“Well I think the idea I like most um…like if you ask me questions…but I can pick not to answer them….and sometimes you could just ask yes or no questions, that way I know what you’re thinking too and…it won’t be too hard to talk about."

"That sounds good."

"But how will you go with that?"

“Phil you don’t have to be concerned about me in all this.”

“I am Bear…I’m very conscious of the fact you’re anxiety levels are through the roof, and I don’t want to tip you over the edge… you have to promise to tell me, and you have to promise that we’ll stop.”

“Oh right, yeah I promise."

“Okay. You remember when we talked about it before, and I was telling you about how we met because our parents were friends and all that-"

"Yeah of course I remember."  
  
"Well that's kind of what I imagine this would be like, with you asking me questions as starting points. Was that good for you? Or would you prefer to do it another way?”

“It was good, Phil. I felt like I understood you a lot more, and had a better idea of how to help you, speaking of I’ve done a shit job at sticking to my list-“

“No you haven’t you do all that stuff naturally Bear,” Phil said, smiling for the first time in a while, “but maybe we could try talking about it soon. Not for a few days or maybe a few weeks...I just want to be feeling really good before we start talking about it so I won’t cry too much or anything.”

“Okay, well how about I start thinking of some questions, and then as soon as you feel it’s a good time you tell me,” Dan suggested.

“Okay I think that sounds good…thanks Bear,’ Phil said, sadness seeming to radiate from his whole body.

“Hey it’s okay,” Dan said gently, wishing so desperately he could hold Phil in his arms.

“Thanks…I just…I’m sorry about all this,” Phil said quietly.

“There’s really nothing to be sorry for.”

“I hate making you worried about me," Phil sighed. “But my psychologist said….that I can't really stop you being worried...that’s love. If someone’s going to be in love with you, the very fact they love you is going to make them want all the best for you in every moment.”

“Yeah…yeah I think that’s true," Dan said, although his mind couldn't quite concentrate on what Phil was saying, not able to stop worrying about what had happened to him...

“Bear are you okay?”

“Uh…yeah."

“You’re not. you look awful,” Phil said,

“Then I look just like I always do,” Dan said and Phil pouted.

“I meant you don’t look well-"

“I’m fine."

“Please tell me,” Phil said.

“Well I mean…I’m sad for you Phil, and I’m worried about what happened to you….I know it affected you a lot, but now…it probably affected you more than I’d realised, if you couldn’t talk about yourself to other people…and then like, thinking how hard it must have been to work yourself up to a place where you talk about yourself to strangers like me on the internet,” Dan said, finally looking up at Phil to see him look even paler than usual. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say the wrong thing-”  
  
“You didn’t,” Phil said, his voice shaky. “I just realised…I’m making everything worse-“

“No!”

“All this time I thought by not telling you, I would be helping you because you wouldn’t be so sad. But now I’ve realised you’ve probably spent all this time  imagining all these scenarios and stressing over all of them, and I’ve made it so much worse.”

“No you haven’t-“

“But I have, I should have just told you all at once…and I’m still doing it, I keep thinking about what I think is best for you rather than asking you what you think is best for you. I’ve been so selfish-“

“Phil you don’t know how to be selfish."

“What do I do?” Phil said desperately. "All I want is to help you and I feel like I’m just doing everything wrong-“

“No no, don’t say that-”  
  
“Would it be better if I told you sooner? That way you wouldn’t be constantly guessing all the worst things that could have happened?”  
  
“I’m not constantly guessing,” Dan said.

“But sometimes you wonder right?"  
  
“I try not to think about specifics but yeah, I wonder. But it’s like you said earlier...I worry because I love you Phil,” Dan said

“But I could stop you worrying! I could tell you and then you wouldn’t be as worried because you know. Would that be better?”

“Phil…” Dan began, not sure how to phrase it in a way that wouldn’t upset Phil. “Yes. I do think it would probably be better if you did tell me-"

“Should I just tell you everything, like right now?”

“Not this minute,” Dan said quickly, not wanting Phil to make a rash decision.

“But I need to tell you as soon as possible-“

“Phil I don't mind waiting, this has to be okay for you as well-"

"It's never going to be easy...whenever I tell you it's going to be hard, so I need to just do it when it's best for you and that's right now-"

"How about we just wait until morning?”

“Oh…but will you be worrying tonight?"

“Probably,” Dan admitted, “but I’d rather that worry than make this decision too quickly Phil. You’ve had an emotional day, and I think it might be best to sleep on it, and then we can talk about it in the morning, okay?"

“Okay, sure,” Phil nodded. “I…I expect I’ll feel the same, but you’re right, we’ll decide in the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally next chapter :) Thanks for waiting so long :)


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a new chapter :D  
> Okay, so the whole backstory was meant to be this chapter but it got way too long so I split it into two. Which means the whole backstory won't be up until the end of the week, but have this part while you wait :)  
> Sorry for delaying it again :(

Dan had no idea what went through Phil’s mind that night, but when he came out to the lounge the following morning he didn’t look well enough to talk about breakfast let alone share the worst moments of his life. His hands were shaking uncontrollably, his whole body seemed to be moving in slow motion as he made his way to Dan, and between his glasses, red eyes, and continued wiping under his nose, Dan knew there was no way Phil was mentally prepared to talk about what happened.

“Phil it’s okay, we don’t have to talk about this today,” Dan said quickly, an enormous feeling of guilt pressing in on his body, just seeing how much pressure Phil seemed to be placing on himself to tell Dan today.

“But…but,” Phil said, voice shaky, lips trembling as tears began to fall down his face.

“It’s okay,” Dan said, his guilt so strong it seemed to pull down every inch of his body. Why had he said it would be better for Phil to tell him? Sure, he would still worry about what had happened to Phil in his past, but now he was far more worried about what was going to happen if Phil pushed himself to remember that awful time before he was ready. 

“But I said I would, I told you…I said I could,” Phil sobbed.

“Actually Phil we said-“

“You must be so annoyed, I can’t not tell you, I can’t lose you-“

“No no, you’re not losing me, I promise” Dan said quickly. Oh no, they were back to this?

“But I love you,” Phil sobbed.

“I love you too,” Dan said, trying desperately to think of something to say to save the situation, while fighting his own internal battle of guilt in his role in Phil’s distress.  “Phil I think the best thing for me would be is if we just rewind a bit. Just go back to being us.”  
  
“What?” Phil sniffed.

“Let’s just relax for a bit. Just talk about random stuff, and watch Buffy, we can attempt some video games with you blindfolded and me telling you what to do. Let’s just do nice things for a while.”

“Oh…that would be best for you?”

“Yes! Yes, that would be best for me Phil,” Dan assured him. “If we could do that, that would be best.”   
  
“For how long?”

“As long as you need. That’s what’s going to be best for me - you taking the time to sort through all this, then telling me when you’re ready, okay?” Dan said.

“Oh, okay, thanks Bear,” Phil said, finally giving the smallest of smiles. But with that tiny smile Dan felt like he could finally breathe again.

* * *

 “Bear, I’m sorry about the other morning,” Phil said, one afternoon a few days later.

“Oh don’t be.”  
  
“I put a lot of pressure on myself, and got all worked up…but in the end I realised, what I think you realised at the time…I need to be a bit more ready,” Phil sighed. "I can't tell you if I'm that upset, and it's not fair to you to be that upset either. So, when I feel ready, I'll tell you then." 

“Take your time," Dan smiled, glad that Phil had come to that decision. 

“I will Bear, but I’ve decided, so we don’t keep going back and forth and everything, I’m just going to not mention it at all. Until I’m completely ready, then when I am, I’ll tell you the whole thing.”

 

Two weeks passed by and true to his word, Phil didn’t even give the slightest mention of the other Dan. He didn’t seem completely overwhelmed by it, but there were still moments when Dan watched his face fall, where Phil would be talking about something and then suddenly stop as if an unsettling thought had just occurred to him. Sometimes he looked so lost Dan thought he’d never be able to reach him. But he did, each time he would say his name and Phil seemed to snap out of it, smiling and suddenly complimenting every part of Dan as if nothing had happened.

Phil had still been attending his therapy sessions, having a few hours to himself after each one, explaining to Dan that he liked to write what happened down after so he wouldn’t forget, and take some time to process everything it. Another two weeks passed, and Phil seemed to be growing happier and happier, barely even seeming affected by it anymore (although inside his mind could be another story, Dan reminded himself.) But he had stopped zoning out, he was back to smiling as much as he used, and Dan just felt so much happier seeing how much happier Phil seemed. He had no idea if it meant he was any closer to telling Dan about his past, but as long as he kept getting better, or at least not getting worse, Dan was happy.

Of course…it did still worry Dan to think about what happened. The possibilities of the thing that affected Phil so much kept running around his mind, to the point where a figure of the other Dan entered his nightmares to taunt him along with Ryan. He didn’t tell Phil, but it got so bad that he needed to bring it up in his own therapy sessions, which didn’t completely stop him worrying, but the other Dan stopped appearing in his nightmares, so that was something. Plus, just talking about the whole ordeal with someone else gave him a sense of relief he hadn’t expected, just from being able to get those thoughts out of his mind for once. Althoug, he’d still been finding it impossible to voice his thoughts on Ryan…those were just too scary and too terrifying to say aloud, only able to communicate how he felt with his therapist by answering yes or no to her questions. Which she asked a lot of, so she seemed to have a pretty good idea of how he was feeling, but he didn’t see how any of her thinking strategies would get him to moved past his fears. Phil kept telling him it just took time, that he’d already made so much progress with his panic attacks (which he had really, now able to calm himself down most of the time, only needing Phil to step in what then got really bad.)  But his nightmares were still as bad as ever, he could calm down more easily when he woke from them, but he still couldn’t sleep through the night without a handful of them, and as another week and another therapy session went by, Dan was pretty sure he’d never make any progress on it.

“You will, it just takes time,” Phil said, when Dan voiced the thought the same afternoon.

“The only thing that’s going to stop me having nightmares about him, to stop worrying about him, is to know I’d never have to see him again,” Dan said.

“Have you said that to her?” Phil asked, beginning to trace around the back of Dan’s hand as he often did to help calm him down.

“Yeah,” Dan sighed, “and then she was just like, would that really change it? Or do you think you’d still find yourself worrying?”

“And what did you say?”

“I didn’t answer, because I knew she was right,” Dan scowled.

“It’s not really about being right Bear,” Phil smiled, “it was just a question to help you understand yourself a bit more, that’s all.”

“Yeah yeah,” Dan said rolling his eyes, then finding Phil smiling even wider. “What?”

“Nothing,” Phil smiled, but Dan’s mind was still too caught on Ryan to figure out what Phil was smiling at.

“I still just wish he was expelled and out of my life,” Dan said angrily.

“I know,” Phil sighed.

“But then even if he is Phil, I can’t go back to that school! Not after this, everything will just get worse-“

“Hey,” Phil said gently, “that’s still ages away, we’ll work it out.”

“You keep saying that, and Dad keeps saying that, but what is there to work out? There are no other schools around here, and we can’t exactly move,” Dan sighed.

“I don’t know-“

“We can move?”

“No, I just mean that your Dad seems to have some kind of plan, we’ll just have to trust him.”

“He said he’d tell me straight away as soon as anything changes.”

“Exactly, he will Bear-“

“Can we just go back to watching Buffy?” Dan sighed, suddenly tired of the conversation, wishing to get the whole thing off his mind.

“Are you sure? I’m happy to keep talking, this is important-“

“No, I’m done talking, just play some Buffy to distract me,” Dan said quickly.

“Is that really going to distract you? You often get lost in thought and we have to rewind-“

“You’re the one who always insists on rewinding, saying I didn’t appreciate it enough!”

“Well, I’m just making sure you enjoy it as much as you can!”

“ _You_  just want me to laugh at all your favourite parts-“

“No, I just want you to laugh at the parts I know you’d find funny! Anyway, I have a better idea, how about we talk about our date tonight instead?” Phil smiled.

“Oh yeah! Wait, you’re planning tonight right?” Dan asked, losing track of whose turn it was to organise the date.

“No, you are,” Phil smiled.

“What? No I’m not! Wait, am I?”

“Yeah! I planned the last one!” Phil insisted. Had he? What had they even done for their last date?

“What…no you didn’t, I did!” Dan said, remembering the ‘starbucks’ date he planned where his Dad had brought back Starbucks drinks for them (Dan dreaded to think how large the pay-back bill his Dad was tallying for him was getting, not to mention the ‘service’ fee he’d started charging).

“Okay it is my turn,” Phil giggled.

“You spork-“

“Sporks are so useful though! Like two in one-“

“Yeah like you, as annoying as two people but all in one-” Dan said but Phil just kept laughing.

“Well, fine I’ll let you go on our date by yourself!”

“Sounds great.”

“Guess I can go put my suit away-“

“You’re wearing your suit?” Dan asked.  He hadn’t seen Phil in his suit since the first time he’d worn it, they’re last few dates being far more casual with coffee, brunch and video games.

“I mean I was going to, I even found a spare bow tie I was going to lend you, but I guess we won’t be needing any of those now-“

“Wait why so fancy? What are we doing?”

“So, you do want to go on a date with me?”

“No, I just want to see you in your suit again.“

“Ahh," Phil smiled. "So you just like me for my looks.“

“Your looks are the worst part if you”

“Can I kiss you?” Phil said suddenly.

“If you must,” Dan smiled.

“Um, I’m confused,” Phil frowned. “We don’t have to-

“Phil I was just,” Dan sighed. It was so hard to tell where the line was, so hard to know when to stop flirting and when he needed to be serious for Phil. “You can kiss me.”

“Are you sure?” Phil asked again.   
  
“Yes Phil,” Dan sighed, wishing Phil could just see when it was okay to kiss him. Most of the time, he didn’t mind him asking, but sometimes it felt so screamingly obvious Dan wanted to kiss him, that Phil asking got on his nerves a little. Especially when they’d spent the whole afternoon kissing, and Dan thought it was pretty clear he was enjoying himself, and Phil would ask _again._ Plus, sometimes Dan just yearned for some spontaneous kisses, for Phil to tell him he loved him and then kiss him without asking…

“Something on your mind?” Phil asked.

“No, nothing,” Dan said quickly. Once Phil was ready to talk about the other Dan he’d mention it, but there was no way he was risking bringing it up before that. He’d just have to be patient, hoping that one day, Phil would just lean in and kiss him, or they could go from making fun of each other to making out…

“Are you sure there’s nothing you want to talk about?” Phil frowned. 

“I’ll tell you another time,” Dan said.

“Oh! Oh sure, sorry I didn’t mean to pry-“ Phil said, probably now thinking Dan was worrying about school or something.

“You didn’t, it’s not like that. Just…another time,” Dan sighed. “So, what’s happening on our date? Or is it a surprise?”

“Oh!” Phil said, suddenly smiling again. “Well I was hoping we could have dinner in your backyard-“

“Yeah course we could! That sounds great Phil!”

“And I want to cook for you-“

“Oh wow!” Dan said.

“But I’m not sure what to cook for you-“

“Anything! Whatever your favourite thing to cook is,” Dan said

“Okay,” Phil smiled. “And since weather is nice, I figured we could watch the sunset, and then talk as we look up at the stars-“

“Jesus Christ, how perfect is this date?”

“Oh, I try,” Phil blushed. “Um tonight’s kind of, um…well I want the date to be really perfect tonight because um…I have something I want to tell you, yeah,” Phil said, looking down and fidgeting with his hands.

Something to tell him? Phil had seemed so much happier this week, so much less distracted…could he finally be ready to talk about what happened?

“But first, would you like to watch me cook you dinner?” Phil asked before Dan had a chance to say anything.

The afternoon passed quickly, watching Phil cook their dinner, Phil not able to stop laughing every time Dan asked him about something he was doing.

“Sorry,” Phil giggled as he stirred one of the pots. “I wouldn’t have known anything before uni either. I’ll teach you to cook sometime, then you can cook me a meal!"  
  
“I’d just end up poisoning you.”  
  
“Okay, well I’ll help you cook for me, which won’t be too long away you know, you’ve got that appointment next week-"

“Shit do I?” Dan said. For weeks he'd been aware of an upcoming hospital appointment, where they'd check on his sprains, and if all was healed he'd start the rehabilitation program on some of the parts of his body. 

“Yeah, physiotherapy here we come!” Phil smiled.

“You realise it’s not for everything, my right arms still dead for another few weeks."

“I know, but we’re getting closer,” Phil said leaning down to Dan, smiling widely as their eyes met. Even though they’d spent so long together in real life now, Dan didn’t think he’d ever get used to how deep those eyes were, how smooth his whole face was, how soft those lips looked-

“Kiss?” Phil asked, as Dan’s eyes rested on his lips. _Don't be annoyed,_ Dan reminded himself, but it was times like this where he felt it was so obvious he wanted to kiss Phil, times like this when it would have been so perfect if Phil just kissed him without the question. _Stop it, he’s just looking out for you._

“Yes Phil,” Dan sighed.

Phil finished cooking dinner soon after, and Dan got his Dad to help him get changed into his white shirt, and the black bow tie Phil learnt him.

“Looking good for your man tonight,” his Dad laughed.

“Shut up." 

“All jokes aside, you’re looking so much better Dan. You were so pale for a while there, but all the color has come back to your skin, no more horrible scratches either-"

“Yeah except for this giant one across my forehead,” Dan sighed, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

“Well, it’s about a quarter of the size of what it used to be,” his Dad said. “It will heal Dan, just needs-”  
  
“More time,” Dan sighed.

His Dad took him out to the backyard, where Phil was waiting in his suit and bowtie.

“Oh god,” Dan mumbled. _Oh god, Phil._

“My queue to leave,” his Dad chuckled.

“You look hot as ever,” Dan mumbled and Phil giggled.

“Thanks! As do you,” Phil smiled, wheeling Dan’s wheelchair the final distance to the table he’d set up.

“I can’t wait until I’m out of this stupid thing,” Dan sighed, his inability to walk getting more and more frustrating. “I’m barely even half way!”  
  
“Actually you are way more than halfway!"   
  
“Yeah but once this stupid casts off I’ve got to learn to walk again-" 

“And I’ll be helping! That will be so fun!  
  
“Hardly, but thanks Phil,” Dan smiled, already used to Phil’s promises he would be doing every single exercise Dan had to do with him. Of course, it wouldn’t be hard for Phil to do the simple movements, but having his support meant more than words could say.

“Well, let’s eat!” Phil smiled.

“This is actually so good!” Dan said as Phil fed him the curry he’d cooked. 

“You sound surprised!” Phil pouted.

“Well I didn’t know what to expect!”

“Next time I’m feeding you gravel."

“So you think there’s going to be a next time do you?” Dan joked but Phil’s face fell. “Sorry, just kidding Phil, there’s never not going to be a next time,” Dan sighed, still never knowing when to draw the line. It seemed to change every day too, sometimes Phil couldn’t stop laughing when he said stuff like that, but other times like this it seemed to hit him like a stab to the heart.

“It's okay, I know your mine forever,” Phil said quietly, glancing down at his promise ring.

“Have you even taken that off?”

“Why would I?”

“Dunno, shower or something."

“Nah, it’s on forever,“ Phil smiled. “Hey the sun’s setting!”

And they sat in silence, eating their meals as they watched the sun set over them, not needing any words to know that this moment was perfect for both of them.

“Can I kiss you Bear?” Phil asked, as the sun finally disappeared from view.

“Sure Phil,” Dan smiled, and suddenly tingles were all through his body again as Phil kissed him.

“Can I ask you something?” Phil said, pulling away suddenly.

“Yeah, course,” Dan said.

“Well lately I’ve been getting the feeling…I could be completely wrong, sorry if I am, really, but are you getting a bit frustrated with me always asking to kiss you? Like not the kissing part, the asking part,” Phil frowned.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” Dan said, he hadn’t realised he’d been showing his slight annoyance with Phil asking.

“No don’t be! That’s why we’re talking about it, you can be frustrated-"

“No, I’m not frustrated,” Dan said quickly. “It is something I’ve wanted to talk to you about, but…” Dan paused, should he mention the other Dan?  “Well, I know that it’s really important to you that you ask, but...I don’t know how to put this,” Dan sighed.

“Just say however you feel, I won’t be upset-“

“Well, sometimes…sometimes it just feels like you don’t need to ask,” Dan said slowly. “I know you always want to make sure, I know you only ask because you love me but sometimes…just like, with the timing you don’t really need to.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well sometimes we’ll have just kissed 20 times in the past hour and I feel like it’s pretty obvious I’m enjoying it, so you don’t really need to ask again.”

“Oh right, yeah I know,” Phil frowned.

“It’s okay, you still can ask,” Dan said quickly, not wanting this conversation to interfere with Phil’s mental health, when he seemed to be doing so well in the past week.

“But then what about earlier? Like when we were talking about this date, we hadn’t kissed in a while, and then you just sounded sort of annoyed-“

“I wasn’t annoyed,” Dan said quickly.

“It’s okay if you were,” Phil smiled.

“Well a little,” Dan admitted. “It was just that,  we were flirting, you know how we joke like that,” Dan said. He felt so weird explaining this to Phil…they always made fun of each other, but then somehow Phil just couldn’t seem to relate it to the kissing as well. “Like, when I said _if you must_ , that was part of the flirting, that meant yes I want you to kiss me.”

“Oh…oh right,” Phil said nodding slowly. “Yeah I figured...but what about other times? Like sometimes we’re talking and I’ll ask to kiss you and then you just look sad all of a sudden-“

“I’m sorry-"

“No Bear, please don’t apologise."

“No I am sorry, because I know how much asking means to you, and I’m just being stupid-“

“No! Your feelings are so important!"

“Well, I don’t mind you asking most of the time,” Dan said. “But sometimes I’ll say I love you, and then you’ll ask to kiss me, and sometimes I just feel like it’s really really obvious I want to kiss you, and you still ask which is fine, but sometimes I just wish I could say I love you then you'd just kiss me,” Dan said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out so harsh.”

“It didn’t at all….I understand everything you’re saying,” Phil sighed.  “I just really don’t think I could do that…”

“That’s okay Phil, but like, just so you know….it wouldn’t be the end of the world if you kissed me and I wasn’t expecting it. It would be a nice surprise, I’d actually like it if you did that,” Dan tried to explain. “Then even if, and I can’t see a scenario with this happening…if I didn’t want you to kiss me and you did, it would be okay. I’d just say, Phil I’d like you to not kiss me anymore now, and you’d say okay, and everything would be fine.  It wouldn’t mean anything bad, it wouldn’t mean you’d made me uncomfortable or anything.”

 “Um Bear,” Phil said suddenly. “Um…it’s sort of…it is about you being comfortable… but there’s sort of…it’s kind of like…there’s something else.” Phil stammered. “Can I tell you something about the other Dan?

 “Oh!” Dan exclaimed. Wait, if he was willing to talk about it…did that mean he was ready? Was he about to tell Dan everything? Was this why they were in suits, watching the stars, because Phil was ready to tell him everything? But…but Dan couldn’t even remember everything Phil had told him in the past, he wasn’t mentally prepared to hear a horrific story that had happened to Phil, but Phil might have been planning this moment for weeks and he couldn’t ruin it for him.

“Is now okay?” Phil said tentatively.

“Yeah of course! Now’s great!”

“But you have to promise not to feel guilty or anything because I hadn’t explained this to you, so you couldn’t know-"

“Oh um, okay,” Dan said, nerves increasing dramatically.

“So um, you know that my relationship with the other Dan, he kissed me a lot and it got a bit much,” Phil said, avoiding all eye contact with Dan. “But um…he was…as it went on…it wasn’t like it at the start but as it went on…he’d…he was very assertive over me…I thought because he was older that made sense…for some reason I figured that was how all relationships worked…I don’t know why,” Phil sighed and Dan felt like he was sinking in his chair with Phil's words, heart beginning to race out of control, his stomach suddenly aching as he feared what was coming. “But um, yeah…you probably figured this already but um…he did have all the control in our relationship. So he’d kiss me whenever he wanted, and he’d tell me he could kiss me whenever he wanted, and if I asked him to stop, he’d say he knew what was best for me and that we needed to keep kissing…but then like, what was worse was like…don’t feel bad okay?”  
  
“Um okay,” Dan said, already feeling completely nauseas with what Phil was saying.

“Well…if I ever just gave him a quick kiss without asking….like he’d sort of get really mad and yell awful things at me until I cried…like he’d call me horrible names, and tell me I was worthless and stupid and nothing, and that I was lucky that he put up with me and stuff…then once I was crying, um… he’d kiss me telling me that I didn’t need to cry because we were kissing now and the kissing made it all better, but it didn’t make it better because I wouldn’t want to kiss him...but when I said that he'd just yell at me more and say I had to because we loved each other. Not that I loved him at all really…I thought I did, but it wasn’t real love…but yeah after making me cry, he’d sit next to be and apologise and be really nice and I’d feel like it was fine. Then um..later we’d be watching a movie or something and I’d think it would be okay to kiss him on the cheek but then he’d get all mad again and it would just repeat itself every time, and it kept getting worse every time…

Dan lost track of what Phil was saying, horror filling his body as Phil’s words repeated themselves through his mind…his heart suddenly racing as fast as it did when he was panicking…his thoughts scattered between too many trains of thought to concentrate on anything other than trying not to throw up or attempt to throw his injured body to the ground in guilt of what he'd said to Phil about asking to kiss earlier ...he should have guessed it was like that…with everything Phil told him..he shouldn’t have said what he said earlier…he should have known Phil asking was about more than just making Dan comfortable…what else had the other Dan done…had he pushed Phil on things further than kissing....it kept getting worse…what had happened to Phil…his poor Phil…Phil…

“Bear,  look at me, Bear, are you okay?” Phil asked, his voice sounding more worried than it had all evening.

“I’m so sorry,” Dan finally managed to say, feeling awful for everything he’d said earlier, hating himself for every twinge of annoyance he’d had at Phil asking to kiss him.

“No! No! You can’t be sorry!” Phil insisted.

“Please just forger everything I said about us kissing,” Dan cried, now seeing exactly why Phil really asked to kiss him everytime. God, why hadn’t Dan seen that it was about more than just himself? “And I’m so sorry he was like that…I don’t know what to say…I’m sorry Phil..”

“Bear, “ Phil said gently. “Firstly, it’s not your fault that he was like that-“

“Or yours Phil-“

“I know…it took me a long time to get here, but I know,” Phil nodded.

"Did he um,” Dan began, too scared to ask the question. 

"There was nothing like...let's just say I had my pants on the whole time, I promise," Phil said quickly. 

"Okay...but....but...he can't do that...I don’t know what to say,” Dan sobbed, feeling like all words were useless here.

"He was awful, I wish I could have seen it at the time," Phil sighed, and Dan couldn't work out if he wanted to hear more of if he wanted to just spend a week crying. "But I stayed because...well I'll get to that later, but going back to you. Please don’t feel bad about what you said about us kissing. I appreciate your honesty more than anything, and I know exactly what you mean. Like when I ask to kiss you 50 times in a single hour, I can feel it too Bear, I get annoyed at myself,” Phil smiled.

“Oh…okay,” Dan said. “But you can always ask-

“It’s not something I want to do. I mean, I will always ask if I’m not sure. But I know you very well, and a lot of the time I’m certain you want to kiss me. But this thing happens in my brain and my heart where I just can’t get myself to kiss you without asking first. I just feel so uneasy and anxious-"

“I’m sorry-“

“Not because of you,” Phil said quickly. “I know you’d never yell at me or treat me like that, but it’s just this feeling and I’m working really hard on managing it."

“I’m sure you are, just don’t rush yourself, please keep asking Phil, I’m so sorry-“

“Don’t be. I told you because you know, you couldn’t understand without me telling you. I completely understand the way you’re feeling, and I promise, sometime in the future, one day we’ll be staring into each other’s eyes and you’ll say I love you, then we’ll be kissing just like that."

“But there’s no rush Phil, I don’t want you to feel anxious when kissing me

“I don't...not like that, just…it helps to ask."

“I feel like such a dick."

“No!"

“I can’t believe I thought it was just about you wanting to make sure I was comfortable-“

“Of course you did, I told you that much. And a lot of it is...sometimes the anxiety I feel is because I get scared that I'm like him-

"You couldn't be more different.”

"Thank you," Phil whispered. "But...yeah like I told you originally I don't want to make you uncomfortable...I just didn't tell you that a lot of the worry I experience is because I got so used to him yelling at me every time I went to kiss him," Phil sighed. 

“I feel like I triggered all this,” Dan said…if they’d never kissed Phil would probably be fine-

“You didn’t,” Phil said. “It’s not your fault in the slightest. It’s just my brain trying to protect me, but in the process making it harder,” Phil sighed.

“Can I do anything to help?”

“Just keep being you,” Phil smiled the frowned suddenly. “I’m sorry to bring up sad things on our date."

“No! Phil thanks for telling me all of that, it really means a lot…it must be so hard to think about that bad time, um…does that mean, since you brought up the other Dan, does this mean um,” Dan stammered. If Phil had brought it up…did this mean he was ready to talk about it?

“Yeah…I’m ready,” Phil nodded. “I wanted this date to be perfect so I could tell you that I’m finally ready to talk about it, all of it. I didn’t actually plan on telling you anything specific, but then it just felt really right to bring that up now. I’ve been ready for a few days,” Phil nodded. “So tonight I wanted to tell you...I’m ready Bear. Any time you’re ready I’ll start it from the start and tell you the whole thing. I mean I just told you that, so I messed up the order a bit, but I’ll go over it again.“ 

“Phil-“ Dan tried to say, unable to believe the progress Phil had made. He sounded so confident about it now, his voice steady, his eyes on Dan. He wasn’t just saying he was ready, Dan could see that he way. 

“But  I can’t promise I won’t cry, because I think it was silly of me to expect that I wouldn’t. However, I can promise that I’m okay, and that we have a whole management plan of how I’m going to totally move past it. Not saying that I won’t feel sad when thinking about it, I’m learning to accept that there will always be sadness and that’s okay. But, I’m going to get it to a place where I don’t let it affect my behavior anymore. Anyway…I know that talking to you is actually going to be a big part of the recovery process, which I never actually prioritized…I mean I did for some things, but from a holistic approach I didn’t and now I’m doing that I’m already beginning to notice changes, small changes, but it’s a start. And now’s the time in the process where I need to open myself up, and have someone I love support me, and now you’re better too, I think it’s time. I feel ready."

“You sound so ready.”

“I am, so just say the word and I’ll tell you everything.”

“I love you Phil.”

“Aw,” Phil said, tears suddenly falling out of his eyes “I love you so much Bear…I never imagined anyone could be so great…you’ve just been so patient with me, and so nice to me about the whole thing, and I can’t even express how much I appreciate that Dan. But I’m ready now, and once you are too I can finally be as open with you as you always are with me.”

“Wait,…did you want to tell me while we’re out here sitting under the stars?” Dan said, suddenly realising it was probably the perfect atmosphere for it. 

“Oh! If you want, I just thought it would be a nice time to tell you that I was ready, but we can wait until you feel up to it.”

“I am up to it Phil, if you want to tell me while we’re out here….but will it be like everything?”  
  
“Everything Bear, I promise this time,” Phil smiled, and Dan felt so reassured to see Phil’s smile in spite of what he was about to tell him.

“So,” Phil said. “Shall I start?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try get the next chapter up before Christmas :D  
> Edit: chapters not gonna be done by Christmas sorry :( Also...I’m thinking chapter 50 will probably be the last chapter...I’m just not sure I can continue the fic, I might change my mind but at the moment it’s looking like next chapter will be the last. I’m sorry :(


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, those of you that read the edited version of the end note of the last chapter will already know, but for many reasons I've been thinking that this might be the last chapter of this fic :( :( :( I'm so sorry :( 
> 
> At the moment, I just can't see myself being able to finish this, (however this feeling is probably influenced from being generally burnt out from the year), so there is a chance I might come back to it after a long break. I'll let you know, but either way you probably won't hear anything from me for a few weeks. 
> 
> Thanks for understanding and for all your support on this fic. All your comments have really meant so much to me, and I'm so sorry for if I can’t finish it 
> 
> With that aside, I did finally manage to get this chapter together, I hope it's okay <3

After Dan had spent months fearing what the other Dan had done to leave Phil so broken, it was hard to believe Phil was finally going to tell him. It seemed so surreal, sitting with Phil in his backyard, the stars overhead, with Phil in his suit. The night seemed so perfect, yet Dan already felt his heart beating faster than normal, blood pumping around his body as he prepared himself for the inevitable sadness that would follow finding out what had happened to Phil.  

“Well," Phil said quietly. "Firstly I just want to say I'm so sorry for the way I’ve gone about telling you."

"Phil you don't need to-" Dan tried to say, but Phil just ignored him. 

"I know you're just trying to be nice, but let me finish," Phil said gently. "I...I feel like I've made you so stressed over this, and I feel awful for that, when you're already managing your own problems," Phil frowned. "I also worry...I'm not sure exactly what you've been thinking, but what if I've built it up too much? What if you're annoyed, like, is that all? You made me stress for months over this stupid thing?"

"No way Phil," Dan said quickly. "Whatever it is...it doesn't matter, I won't be thinking that," Dan assured him, knowing if it wasn’t as bad as he feared, he’d just be relieved.

“Okay,” Phil nodded. “Well even so, I’m still sorry. So, I don’t want this to be a three-hour retelling with you getting more and more anxious as I build up to it, so I think I’m going to just tell you the big thing then I'll go back and explain the earlier parts. Which to be honest, you already know a lot of the earlier parts, but I guess you might have forgotten-“ 

“Nah I remember,” Dan said. Of course he remembered, his mind couldn’t help going over every detail Phil told him, fearful of how it all came together. “Basically, you were always really confused about your sexuality and didn’t want to like boys, but then when you saw him you couldn’t really deny the feelings. You knew him because your parents were friends he’d come over on Saturday nights. Then in January in year 11 some kids started bullying you at school and you came home and he happened to be there, then suddenly he started kissing you. Then that kept going on a for a few months, you also kept getting bullied and every time you were sad about it, he’d tell you to just kiss him and that would make it all better, but you just wanted to talk. Then I guess that’s where what you told me earlier comes in, where he started to yell at you and be really controlling and a complete asshole if you tried to-” Dan stopped suddenly, heart skipping a beat when he saw the devastated look on Phil’s face.

“I’m so sorry, did I get something wrong?” Dan asked, wishing he’d been paying attention to Phil’s face as he was talking. 

“No, all perfect,” Phil sighed, a sudden sadness filling the air.

“Oh shit,” Dan said, realising what he’d just done. “I’m sorry Phil I didn’t mean to just say it all so carelessly like that-“

“You didn’t…it’s just…I just… just I wish I could have been able to tell you the whole story that easily, without letting it get to me so much and dragging it out-“

“Aw Phil of course it’s easier for me. It didn’t happen to me, and I skipped a whole lot of details.” 

“I’m just so sorry for making this so hard,” Phil sniffed. 

“No, Phil, you didn't make it hard, it is hard. I get it," Dan said gently, and Phil glanced over at Dan. "I think you've done the best job you possibly could with telling me," Dan said, feeling like he should be the one apologizing for making it harder for Phil. 

“I love you,” Phil said, a brief smile flicking across his face despite the tears that were still falling.

“I love you too,” Dan said gently.

“Should I just say what happened?”

“If you’d like to,” Dan said, heart racing, knowing he was about to find out what happened. 

“Are you okay though? Phil asked.

“Me? What about you?” Dan asked, watching as Phil wiped the tears off his face with the sleeve of his suit.

“I’ve processed this…it’s going to be new for you. If you feel panicky or anything, will you tell me right away?”

“Yes,” Dan said.

“Okay,” Phil said, suddenly looking up at the sky.

“I can’t believe I’m just about to say this,” Phil said quietly, and Dan couldn’t believe it either. Months of fearing what could have happened, and now he was finally going to find out. “Basically…the thing that happened was,” Phil suddenly looked Dan straight in the eye. “He knew the person bullying me...like I'd spent months crying to him over this bully and in the end...in the end he was friends with the guy."

“Wait-but did he know that his friend and your bully were the same person?” Dan asked, terrified of the answer.

“More than knew," Phil said very quietly, now avoiding eye contact with Dan. "It was the whole reason the guy at school was bullying me...Dan was telling him to."

“Phil,” Dan whispered, all words feeling inadequate to answer the ones Phil had just uttered. “Oh Phil,” Dan cried, suddenly overwhelmed by the questions forming in his mind, wondering how that could be real, how Phil had found out, tears falling down his face as he imagined how traumatizing it must have been.

“Bear are you okay?” Phil asked tentatively. How could Phil say he’d made it seem worse than it was? It was worse than Dan had feared, always imagining it was something that the other Dan had done to Phil, never involving the bullies at school as well. It made sense now, why Phil had never talked about what happened when he was bullied at school. It wasn't that it was hard to talk about the bullying, or that it was hard to remember the way the other Dan had comforted Phil through that time. It was simply because, in the end, the Other Dan was the worst bully of all. In the way he acted when they were together, and now Dan knew, in the way he still controlled Phil's life even when they were apart. 

“I’m so sorry,” Dan stammered, "about what happened Phil...I…I…I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Phil said gently, fondness in his eyes despite the tears streaking down his face. 

“I…I…I..” Dan stammered “I love you so much Phil,” Dan said, not able to think of any other words.

“I love you too,” Phil said.

“I don’t understand...how is that possible?” Dan said, his mind still not able to comprehend what Phil had told him.

“I didn’t understand for a long time either,” Phil sighed. "It’s hard to tell you the story without saying stuff I found out later, so I’ll be jumping all over the place a bit, but just ask questions if you get confused,” Phil said. “Wait, are you still okay for me to tell you tonight?”

"Yeah, definitely,” Dan said, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep or think of anything else until he knew how it unfolded...he probably wouldn't be able to sleep after he knew either, but at least he wouldn't be anxious over all the possibilities if he knew the way it really happened.  

“So in hindsight…I should have expected something was suspicious. It was always kind of weird how he’d come over on the days when I was bullied,” Phil sighed. “He never gave an explanation to why he was there, but I never asked as I would just be so glad he was there to take my mind of it, which you know…I think was his whole point in asking Nick to bully me.”

“Nick?” Dan asked. 

“Oh! Have I never said his name? Well yeah, that was the guy who bullied me at school. He had a couple friends who usually joined in, but he was the main one. The bullying…it honestly wasn’t that bad, it upset me a lot, of course but like,” Phil frowned as his eyes flicking up and down Dan’s casts. “Not that bad. Bullying wasn’t really tolerated at my school, so it was all done through secret locker notes and insults when teachers weren’t around. I was never punched or injured or anything, just called names and stuff."

"That's still hard Phil," Dan said, the ache of sadness in his chest deepening. Dan always worried so much about the other Dan, sometimes it slipped his mind that Phil was bullied at school as well. 

"You know better than anyone," Phil said softly.

"The insults were like...like gay and stuff?" Dan asked, pretty sure he already knew the answer.

"Yeah," Phil sighed. 

"Did Nick know you and Dan were a thing?"

"Not at the time, but later he did," Phil said. "Which won't make sense yet, so let's just go back to how they knew each other. So Nick had a cousin at Manchester Uni, and somehow Nick ended up at a uni party that Dan was at, and when Dan found out he went to my school, he kept Nick’s number then a few months later was asking him if he’d bully me. I'm not sure why he had that planned, or how long for,” Phil sighed. “Anyway, I assume Nick said yes because he had a habit of bullying people anyway, and then on the days he bullied me at school to me he’d tell Dan, and then Dan would know to come over.”

“That’s the set up you always talked about?” Dan asked, having spent months fearing those words, but never realising that it would mean this. 

“Yeah,” Phil sighed. Phil fell silent for a while, gazing down at their entwined hands. Dan wasn’t sure if Phil was waiting for him to speak or trying to figure out what to say, or perhaps just taking a moment to recompose himself. With his head tilted down, Dan couldn't see his expression, so he wasn't sure whether to let the silence remain or attempt to comfort him, but before Dan could decide Phil looked up at him. Phil, in a mark of how far he'd come, wasn't crying at all, only frowning as he watched more tears fall down Dan's cheeks.

"I'm okay now," Phil said, wiping Dan's tears away for him.

"But...but how could he do that? Why would he do that?" Dan asked, not able to even see any kind of twisted logic in the other Dan's actions.

“Hard to say,” Phil said quietly. “I’ve spent years wondering the same thing, got so lost in trying to figure it out. But I’ve learnt some questions are unanswerable.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you wonder or anything-“

"I mean, I do have theories," Phil added. "I’ve always thought it was you know," Phil frowned. "I think he was trying to make me sad so I’d rely on his physical affection for happiness, which in turn gave him what he craved and all. I think it was just about creating a situation where I felt like I needed him....that's what he always did when we were together as well. Like, constantly emotionally manipulating me by yelling and me and making me cry, then being the one to make me stop crying by apologizing and telling me he loved me and everything. It was just an extension of that I suppose…but I mean, he never gave me an answer on it so I’ll never know for sure."

"Phil," Dan said, not expecting his voice to sound so full of tears. 

"Aw no, Bear!" Phil said, turning and suddenly seeing just how much Dan had been crying over the past few minutes. 

"I'm sorry, I...I...I..I'm just so sad for you...I can't figure out what I'm meant to do," Dan sniffed, he wasn't sure whether he was meant to voice his outrage or show his distress, to comfort Phil or just listen to him.

"You don't need to do anything," Phil said gently.  

 "Do you want me to say what I'm thinking...or be quiet...or be mad...or should...should I be trying not to cry?"

"You can do whatever you feel like, but I don't mind you crying, I promise" Phil said. 

"I'm just sorry...about him...and everything," Dan sniffed. "I didn't expect it to be so bad...and I haven't even found out how you found out about it." 

"Yeah," Phil frowned. "Um Bear...maybe we should stop for tonight."

"What?! No, we can't, I need to know."

"Um, okay," Phil said slowly. "Are you sure?" 

"Yeah."

"So, how I found out about it....it was through Nick at school," Phil said quietly. "One day he had me held against a wall…and violence really wasn’t tolerated at our school, so we were both sent to the principal's office. I wasn’t in any trouble, as it was obvious he was trying to hurt me, but he got loads of detentions and was told if he was late to a class or did anything against the rules for the rest of the year he’d be suspended."

“Wow,” Dan sighed, wishing his school had held policies like that. 

“Oh no, I’m so sorry,” Phil said suddenly, realising how Dan must be thinking about it.

“No! It’s okay, it’s good they had that. Anyway, continue,” Dan said quickly, not wanting to make tonight about himself.

“Okay,” Phil said slowly. “Well, he was pretty peeved to be in so much trouble…and as we both left the principles office, he mumbled to me: tell Dan I’m not doing this anymore.”

“Oh....oh...Phil" Dan said, suddenly aware of how shaky his voice sounded. 

“So it was pretty obvious to me he knew Dan,” Phil sighed. “I tried to convince myself that he could have just made up the name, or maybe I’d accidentally doodled it somewhere and he just got the name from that…but in my heart I knew it must be true…that somehow he knew Dan.”

“You must have been terrified,” Dan said.

"Yeah...I was," Phil sighed. "I spent the whole day trying to figure out what Nick meant, trying to tell myself it couldn’t be true. I kept going back and forth trying to decide whether I should ask Dan about it, but in the end when I got home and he happened to be there. Well it kind of clicked that it couldn’t be a coincidence that he always showed up on days where I was bullied,” Phil said, tears beginning to fall down his face too. “I told him what Nick said and asked him how he knew him.”

“I’m scared,” Dan said, more tears flooding down his face.

“It's okay,” Phil said quickly, gripping onto Dan’s hand a bit tighter. “He didn’t even yell. He actually looked kind of scared when I asked him about it, but he denied everything saying he didn’t know anyone named Nick. So, I asked him to show me his phone and he laughed and said fine check the whole thing. I did and there was nothing on there, so at some point he’d deleted it all...but while I was checking a message came through saying, I’m done bullying Phil, find someone else. He couldn’t deny that so then,” Phil stopped, taking a few minutes to cry.

“Sorry,” he sniffed. “I’m alright really...just this next bit is the hardest to relive.” 

The hardest? Dan suddenly felt nauseas as he realised...he hadn’t even heard the worst yet? 

“But before I say that...I have to say: a few weeks earlier, we’d been talking, like actually talking, and I was so excited we were talking that I said a lot of things I didn’t really mean just to keep him talking. And one of those things I’d said...I'd said I'm gay...even though I was more confused than ever about the whole thing. So…so…so that night when I asked him if he knew Nick, when I saw on his phone that he’d been telling Nick to bully me...he said he had a video from that time...of me saying I was gay, and if I told anyone about it, he’d make sure everyone heard it.”

“No!” Dan cried, knowing where this was going to end up...

“So I didn’t tell anyone,” Phil continued, avoiding looking at Dan, perhaps fearing he wouldn’t be able to continue speaking if he saw the tears accompanying Dan’s sobs. “I hoped he was bluffing....I was too scared that he wasn’t...I realised he might have planned that whole conversation...so he’d have something to use against me...in case...” Phil sobbed, his speech now disjointed and difficult to decipher between his sobs. "I wasn’t out to anyone, I didn’t even know what my sexuality was...I didn't want people thinking I was gay...especially when I was bullied for that very thing....I really felt like I was losing my mind...and he was still coming over...He wasn’t...wasn't yelling at me anymore, instead he’d just threaten to...to show the video to everyone if I didn’t do what he said. So by this stage…I was getting really scared he was going to use that to...you know,” Phil’s lips trembled, “tell me to have sex with him....which he didn’t...but I was so scared that he would and I was getting so panicked about it...I desperately needed to talk to someone about it; I couldn’t handle on my own. But the threat of him telling everyone I was gay was still over my head,” Phil sobbed. 

“I did the only thing I could think of...which was go to the school counselor,” Phil said his voice shaky and tears flooding down his face. “I didn’t say much... all I said I was trying to figure out how to get out of a hard relationship...the lady was nice...but but...with how things worked out I never went back...not because of her….but because, well Dan must have still been in contact with Nick, and somehow he must have seen me go to the counselors office…because by the time I came out of that appointment, the video was....it was.... I checked my emails…Dan sent one...said he'd warned me...and I shouldn't have said anything...then there was a link to the video…Bear? Oh my god are you okay?"

“I think I need to lie down,” Dan gasped, feeling so many emotions he couldn't articulate a single one, feeling too much to even breathe...

“Just keep breathing,” Phil said as he stood up and began to wheel Dan’s wheelchair inside. “Breathe in 2, 3,4 and out 2,3,4…and in 2,3,4…and out 2,3,4…it’s all okay, I’m okay you don’t need to worry about me, just breathe in 2,3,4 , out 2,3,4 you’re okay, just keep breathing in 2, 3,4,” Phil continued to tell him to breathe.

“I really think that’s enough for tonight,” Phil said quietly, nearly an hour later when Dan had finally calmed down. He couldn’t believe Phil had been outed...he couldn’t imagine how traumatising that would be, even without the horrible circumstances that went with it...

 “You were outed,” Dan said, speaking for the first time since Phil had told him. “Your whole school….he bullied you…then he outed you?” 

“Well he sent the video to Nick...who sent it to everyone else.”

“But he outed you,” Dan sobbed.

“Yeah..he did,” Phil said sadly.

“You thought you’d done that to me? With that video that was meant to be private?” Dan asked quietly, remembering how upset Phil had been over the video where he'd said _I love you Bear_.

“At the time,” Phil said, a tear falling down his face. “I know now it was very different. I think differently about it now, but yes, that’s what I felt like at the time.”

“So you broke up with him after that right?”

“I did,” Phil said slowly, as if trying to decide how much to tell him. “I was too scared to see him again...so I text him and told him if he ever tried to contact me again, I’d tell his parents what he’d done,” Phil sighed. “Which might seem like a very low insult, but like…Dan never had a job or anything, so he was completely reliant on his parents for money...and because our parents were friends, he must have been scared...I think he could see I was serious so…I never saw him again.”

“And you stopped talking? Because you were scared of someone recording you like that again?”

“Kind of,” Phil said, although he was nodding. “It’s quite complicated, but-“

“Can you tell me now?”

“No,” Phil shook his head. “You need some rest-“

“There’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep.”

“Oh…yeah...I guess I probably won't either."

“Keep telling me, I’m okay really, it was just a shock Phil...I don't...I have no words for that...I'm so sorry...I honestly...you've done so well to get to where you are Phil..." Dan said, thinking that he would never recover if something like that happened to him. 

"Aw Bear," Phil sniffed.

"Phil...I'm so sorry," Dan sobbed.

"Don't be sorry-

"But how did you get through it...how..how? 

“Are you sure you want to know now?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it got worse before it got better," Phil sighed. "You kind of already know I fell into a huge downward spiral of thoughts, and for three months, over that summer, I really couldn’t function.”

“Didn’t your parents notice?” Dan asked.

“Well not exactly,” Phil sighed. “I mean they noticed I was different but just thought I was doing my own thing, like being a moody teenager and all. My brother was the one who thought something was really wrong, and when I wouldn’t tell him anything he contacted all my friends and found out about the video. He said he wasn’t going to out me to Mum and Dad, but said I really needed to tell them.”

“Was he supportive though?”

“Of what, my sexuality?”

“Well like the whole thing! Was he nice? Did he try to help?”

“I mean...I made it pretty difficult for him to help...but in terms of my sexuality. Well, he knew I wasn’t gay... Said there was no way I was gay with the way I always looked at Sarah Michelle Gellar or something, said he’d been pretty sure I was bi since he was 12. Which I know now was just his way of trying to say it didn't matter to him and it never had, but at the time I was kind of like, gee thanks for your support when I didn’t even know being bi was a thing. Of course, I didn’t actually say that, because you know...I think I mentioned to you that I basically stopped talking about myself.”

“Yeah,” Dan said sadly.

“Like I’d say simple conversational stuff, but I had all these rules in my mind of what I was allowed to say and what I wasn’t. I was just so paranoid someone would record me again, and the longer I went without talking the harder it became. Eventually my brother told me that if I didn’t tell Mum and Dad he would, but I still couldn’t really talk about it, so in the end I wrote about it. Which I know doesn’t really make sense that I could write about it but not talk about it...but somehow it worked in my mind."

“What did they say? When they read it?”

“Well firstly, I think you already know that I didn’t tell them about the other Dan. Just the people at school, you know saying Nick did the whole video thing...which I mean, he was the one who sent it out. They were very supportive of me coming out but super angry about the bullying and video, and they actually knew Nick's parents and they were so furious about it that they went over to Nick’s parents house, I think I told you this one time, and basically he wrote me this whole apology letter for being so awful to me. Which helped a lot, because it helped me to get over that part of the year, not to mention he explained how he’d known Dan.” 

“But did your parents realise the whole not talking thing yet?”

“Yeah,” Phil sighed. “They didn’t really understand what was going on with me, not their fault since I didn't explain it, but they’d usually just get angry with me for not talking. Eventually, my mum decided I needed to see a therapist or someone and spent months trying to convince me to, but I kept refusing. You know...the idea of spending an hour talking to someone made me feel completely sick. Anyway so a few months later I’d finished school and we got our results and uni offers. I desperately wanted to go to uni, like I wanted to go to York and just move away from all the bad memories, however my parents kept saying I needed to stay, that I wasn’t well enough to go to uni. We had so many arguments over it, but eventually they said I could go if I agreed to see a therapist every week. I wasn’t happy about that, but I agreed.”

“But it worked out, right?”

 “Yeah,” Phil smiled. “He was very nice to me, and let me write to him instead of talking, and really understood what I needed. It took a lot of hard work but by the end of my first year at uni I could pretty much talk normally again. I did a lot of different things, lots of exposure therapy and I even did a group therapy thing at one point, and I can tell you more about all this in detail-"

“You don’t have to if it’s too personal Phil,”

“No I want to Bear, I really want to, I’m just conscious that it’s past midnight and this is all emotional.

“But where does YouTube fit in?” Dan asked, dying to know how Phil had gone from not being able to talk at all to purposely putting himself talking on the internet. 

“Oh yeah,” Phil smiled. “That honestly happened directly because of therapy. In the first year, one of the things I did was record myself talking. For a few reasons, firstly to practice just talking again without worrying about other people around, and secondly to get me less scared of being recorded. Like I would always get incredibly anxious if there were cameras around....like it reached a point where I'd just be anxious at the possibility there were cameras around," Phil sighed. "But by putting myself in control, like it was the start of me reducing that anxiety. So I’d been doing that for a few months and one day I watched all the recordings back, and it was so exciting to see how far I’d come with talking and it was honestly just funny to hear me talk about things that had happened a few months ago, that I decided it would be really cool to keep making them. So I could look back and see how I changed over time.”

“And you ended up deciding to upload them?”

“Well not so directly," Phil said. "I told my therapist that I was still recording myself talk as a little project for myself, and I’m not sure if it was intentional or not, but he told me he’d heard of this site where people upload their 'video blogs'," Phil smiled. "He said maybe I’d be interested in watching people other people do similar things. I’m not sure if he expected I would be interested in uploading my own, but,” Phil smiled, “I really fell in love with the website and the community on there. I saw all these people making friends all over the world through their videos and I kept wishing I could do that. I tried to upload so many times but I’d just get too scared. Then eventually I bought it up with my therapist I said I wanted to upload but kept getting to scared, and he was ecstatic that I wanted to, and helped me work through all the things I was scared about until I hit upload,” Phil smiled. “And then I just kept going.”  

“Oh, so we didn’t meet because of a cereal promotion?” Dan asked. 

“Well I mean, I still won that camera...but in terms of YouTube, no, not exactly,” Phil smiled. “Which makes a better end to this story tonight, huh?"

“What do you mean?”

“Well if all that hadn’t happened, I never would have started YouTube and we never would have met.” 

“Oh…I don’t know how to feel,” Dan said, of course he was glad that they met, but he sure wished Phil hadn’t had to go through it all to reach that point. 

“Well, my therapist once said I could try and laugh at him...like try to think _wow, I’m so glad he put me through all that, because so many good things have happened as a result.”_

“Can you really think like that though?” Dan asked.

“Not yet, but I’m trying to,” Phil smiled. “I’m doing this thing at the moment every time I have a negative thought about it, instead of dwelling on it, or trying not to think about it, I think of something positive that came out of the bad situation to replace that bad thought. It’s been working quite well actually,” Phil smiled.

“I’m glad Phil,” Dan smiled, so happy to see how much progress heis boyfriend has made. 

“Like I think about how he ruined years of my life, then I think well because of it all I got to start YouTube, make some friends online, and best of all to meet you,” Phil smiled. “And honestly, that thought alone helps me so much. Like, if I ever feel sad about what happened I just think well, I have my Bear now, so it was all worth it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll let you know what I decide when I know <3  
> I'll still be reading comments though, I'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter


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